Toddlers & Tiaras: Get YOUR Fat Ass on the Diet, MOM!

Hello Gasmii, we’re back to normal with this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with bratty kids, crazy mothers, and winners all around. This week we’re at the Gold Coast Pageant being held in Arizona, yee-ha! You may remember Pageant Director Kim Colby from such pageants as “California Gold Coast,” and uh…well, probably the other Gold Coast pageants held all over non-gold-coast states.

She tells us it’s high glitz, like Hollywood (have you seen Mischa Barton lately? I’d watch those comparisons!), with makeup and wiglets, and glitzy dresses. This pageant includes beauty, swimwear, and talent if any ever actually shows up. “At the very end of the day, everyone wants to be queen or a winner,” she says. It’s a kid beauty pageant. Usually they all DO leave as winners.

Lake Havasu City, Arizona! Home to another crazy pageant family that was last seen in Hawaii – “Go glitz or go home!” if you remember. And go home they did. This time we’re meeting 8 year old Alyssa who “does not like to lose.” Well, you did in the mother department, that’s for damn sure.

Alyssa tells us she was taken out of a pageant once because once when she lost, she got mad, “and the judge was right in front of me so I kicked him in the chest.” Uh. What? You kicked an adult in the chest? Because you lost? Okay, you are 8 years old, you really shouldn’t have that kind of anger management issue and if you do, your parents should be spending money on therapists and not pageants. Psycho!

Mom Amanda tells us, “I am Gold Coast royalty and my daughter will be too.” How do all these fuglies win in pageants? I’m going to need to see footage on that to see if she just got one of the “participation” crowns because folks, she ain’t looking good.

Was the prize a never expiring gift certificate for Hometown Buffet?

Alyssa puts on a crown and tells us that this was the crown she won during the mother-daughter pageant. “Who won overall in this pageant?” her mother says. Alyssa points to her mother. Oh my God, you lost to a fatty? Alyssa, shame on you. Amanda, nice work rubbing it in, that will really create some warm mother-daughter memories when Alyssa is in jail for punching you in the face.

Apparently the win took place when Alyssa was in the pre-teen division and Amanda was in the plus-size division, and when they called overall winner, it was Amanda. “I looked at Alyssa and said, ‘YES!’” It must be a proud moment when you beat the crap out of a kid at a beauty pageant.

“Alyssa has thought she was a princess since she was 18 months old, and I have to keep reminding her that the princess’s mother is the QUEEN,” Amanda says. I think you confused queen with queen-sized, particularly in the ego-section.

Let it go, lady.

Over in Kingman, Arizona, we meet an absolutely adorable 4 year old named Samantha who tells us she’s a glitz girl. Seriously – blonde hair, blue eyes, beautiful round face and a real sparkle to her smile – she has the total package. I sound like a judge – kill me now!

Please tell me she wore this to school today.

Mom Allison says Samantha started pageants about a year ago and she’s done very well. “She has annihilated most of the pageants,” Allison says, and I’m thinking that would make a great horror movie, the Pageant Annihilator!

“Samantha doesn’t know the difference between winning and losing,” she tells us. I bet she does by your demeanor, mom. I’d give that kid more credit if I were you. Allison tells us that she really wants Samantha to win and she’s willing to do whatever it takes to get her to that level. Dirty!

Dad Ricky Ray, long-lost brother of Rachel I’m guessing, says, “All I know is Samantha is going to win.” He seems so confident I want to ask him for the winning lottery numbers. He says he enjoys seeing how happy she is onstage.

“Samantha is the boss of the house,” he says, which must piss off his older son. And wife. And Supernanny. We see footage of Samantha putting makeup on her dad, then a crown, then a cape. He looks like a deranged tranny when he looks at the camera and says, “Go glitz or go home!” and you have to admire a dad who is that into playing with his kids. But that still won’t stop the guys at work from teasing him until the day he retires.

Over in Bakersfield, California we meet mom Jennifer who tells us that her daughter Charlie is going to – say it with me, sweet Jesus, please get another line – “rock the stage.” Does TLC make them say that?

Jennifer tells us that they practice every day but it’s a fight. Meaning, we are about to see our brat of the episode and people, brat she is. What a total and complete monster who I can assure you is going to have her face stuck on “bitch” most of her life if she doesn’t knock it down a peg or two. “I can get a good 30 minutes out of her…depending on her mood.” Spoken like my supervisor!

Here’s how most of their conversations go: “Charlie, stop.” “NO.” “YES.” “NO.” “YES.” “NO.” “YES.” “NO.” “YES.” “NO.” “YES.” “NO.” “YES.” “NO.” “YES.” OH MY GOD I HATE THIS FAMILY. And to seal the deal, we see Charlie smack her brother.

“Charlie’s personality onstage is similar to her everyday personality,” Jennifer says. Really? “But when she’s onstage she shines more.” Or she gives more shiners. Jennifer and Charlie are looking at trophies and Jennifer points out one she won for talent. “Be quiet!” Charlie screams. Shine away!

Her new talent routine? An Elvis-themed jazz dance, because if there is one thing Elvis loved, it was jazz hands! Jennifer tells us that talent is important because is shows off Charlie’s mad skillz, and I love the way they show footage of Charlie flailing about like she’s seizing instead of actually dancing. She’s kind of all over the place and a bit of a mess. She tries to do that thing where the girls grab their foot, hold their leg way up and twist around, except she can’t put her leg up straight, hold onto her foot, or keep her balance. Give her the trophy!

Replace that brat with this kid.

Back in Lake Havasu, Amanda shows us Alyssa’s Miss Muffet dress (that lady is so cashing in from this show), and I have to admit – it is gorgeous! White with hot pink ruffles and sequins. It’s very Barbie and I’m all about that. “It was $1200 to have the dress made,” Amanda tells us. Hope there’s a slit so Alyssa can kick someone in it, otherwise that was a waste.

“You know the only problem with this dress?” Amanda asks Alyssa. “When you have on this dress and you misbehave, I can’t get to your bottom.” Wow, creepy. Also, how many lines did you write down for yourself before TLC showed up at the door so you could look so, uh, witty?

I’m thinking yes, because Amanda asks if Alyssa wants to try on her dress and she says only if her mother tries hers on too. Wow, way to squeeze every second out of your 15 minutes, Amanda. If Alyssa goes up in a balloon later, we’ll know not to worry about her being in it.

“I do feel like I’m competing against my mom sometimes,” Alyssa admits. Be sure to mention that to the numerous therapists you’re going to need. Sure enough, Amanda shows up in her dress and I think she won on cleavage – yikes! Keep the puppies in their den, sister. However, the dress does look nice on her overall, so kudos to you for kicking your daughter’s ass at that competition.

Amanda tells us that Alyssa’s dress is custom, “Well, it was custom until Alyssa ate too much and it’s a little tight.” That doesn’t change the dress’s custom status, dumbass, it just means it’s tight. And also – doesn’t it have a lace-up back? When my gym shoes are too tight, I LOOSEN THE LACES. Violá!

“You can’t gain any weight,” Amanda says. “We’ll have to put you on a fruit diet only for a week.”

Hold the phone.

You want to put your very thin, 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER on an all-fruit diet so she can lose weight?

Call child protective services right now, this is total child abuse. That kid is thin as a rail and by the way, NEEDS CALCIUM AND PROTEIN TO GROW BIG AND STRONG. Oh, and speaking of BIG, Amanda, why don’t you get YOUR fat ass on a diet. Maybe you just don’t notice because your dress is too flowy to realize how much chub you have going on.

Her ass is the size of one of your elbows.

“I have put Alyssa on diets before,” Amanda admits to the jury and viewers, “and then my mom takes her off of them because my mom gets mad. She says she’s a little girl, so…” She trails off. Uh, your mother is right. She’s a little kid that needs well-rounded meals so she can grow up healthy as well as without all the body issues you are giving her. Amanda, Jamie Sterling has a bowling league she’s forming and you’d be her next favorite pick!

Speaking of grandmas, Alyssa’s grandmother Artina shows up just in the nick of time to feed her properly. Artina tells us she’s very involved in the pageants, probably because she knows one of these days Alyssa will (and should) be put in her custody.

Amanda brings her mother up to speed on the tragedy unfolding in front of them. “If she gains one ounce, we’re going to have a real problem.” How about just letting the dress out a pinch or two, moron? “So I told her she needs to go on a veggie fruit diet until the pageant.” They all laugh because body issues for young girls that lead to eating disorders are f#cking hilarious.

“You’re out of your mind,” Grandma Artina says. I’m not sure she has a mind that works, Grandma. “I think Amanda putting Alyssa on a diet for this pageant is absurd,” Grandma interviews. Be sure to tell that to the judge during the hearing.

Back in Kingman, Samantha is practicing with Coach Brandee who encouraged her to sign up for this pageant because she thought the family would enjoy full-glitz. Dad already has and we have the footage to prove it!

Ricky Ray says he and his wife decided to get a pageant coach. “She’s not going to get beat because of experience, because of us,” he says. Hey, way to go dad, making sure she has the tools to win. Allison admits that she thinks Samantha’s main competition this weekend is Charlie. She saw Charlie at the California Gold Coast “and she has been well-coached.” Yes, just not well-schooled in manners. Too bad they aren’t doing interviews in this pageant!

Loan her to your dad.

Back at Charlie’s House of No, her mother asks if she’s excited for her photo shoot and she says no. Jennifer asks if she’s excited to get pictures taken (same question) and she says no. She asks if she likes getting her pictures taken and Charlie says no. She’s a charmer, that Charlie.

Jennifer tells us that having good photos is as important as having a good dress, routine, and the right hair and makeup. She asks Charlie again if she likes having her picture taken. NO. “Can you say yes to anything?” she asks Charlie. One guess what she says…give up? It’s NO!

Charlie gets to the photographer’s studio and Jennifer says Charlie’s a little sleepy because she fell asleep on the way over. She’s already wearing her dress which seems odd – wouldn’t it get crushed in the car? Whatever.

Sorry we’re late. The crushed up Vicodin I put in her chocolate milk hit her blood stream too fast.

“The best thing I can do is work around the kid,” photographer Ashly without an “e” says. I hear ya, I do that every week at Target (seriously, wouldn’t shopping go much faster if your kids were left at home with the other parent? Or if you are a single parent, swap off with a neighbor. Why doesn’t anyone think of ME when they make these decisions?).

My God Charlie is a little brat. She won’t smile and when Ashly asks her to do a cute little pose, what’s her answer? NO. She could not be less interested if she tried and won’t even answer Ashly. One time they have to move her by picking her up and dragging her. Nice child-rearing, Jennifer, next time spend the money on etiquette classes! If I saw Charlie at the mall, I would seriously consider kicking her. The best part is when she’s hanging from monkey bars and her mother lets her go and she lets go and she falls to the ground. I wish they would have shown more of that!

LOL

Back in Kingman, Allison tells us that Samantha is extremely spunky onstage and she’s won 7 out of 11 pageants she’s been in. That’s pretty good but she is adorable and not bratty at all, so go figure. “When Samantha gets older, she’s going to have to decide whether she wants to be in pageants or be a very competitive dancer,” she says. Or she can decide to sit in front of the TV stuffing her face full of chips marking time until childhood diabetes sets in. I’m just saying, she has choices.

Coach Leigh, Samantha’s dance instructor, says she would love to choreograph a dance for one of Samantha’s pageants. Aim high! Ricky Ray is on the mat dancing with her. “Being involved with Samantha at pageants makes us very close,” he says. You know what? I’m going to give you that, because that’s just the kind of recapper I am. Today.

Over at Lake Havasu, Big Bad Amanda tells us that “as long as I’m supervising, Alyssa will do her best.” Let’s run with that, shall we? They are at a horse stable where Amanda must be getting her new shoes. “If she doesn’t do her best or she rebels against me, she’s not doing the pageant.” I think rebelling against you is going to be her motto come those teen years. Now lift your leg so we can file your hoof.

“My mother took Alyssa horseback riding and she whined the whole day because she couldn’t get the horse to do what she wanted. I took her back the next day and we had no problems,” Amanda says. Sounds like there was a problem and that is you competing with your mother to be the bestest mom ever. And since she FEEDS children, she wins. Jerk!

Try not to eat the horse, fatty.

The horseback riding coach says this is a good way for Alyssa to relax, and we can totally see that the way her mother is telling her how to ride the horse and she screams, “STOP MOM!” Very relaxing. It’s like she’s a spa. For a Crawford child!

Oh sweet mother of…Charlie is going to gymnastics and she’s crying. “Why are you crying?” Jennifer asks. Because she’s a spoiled brat, Jennifer! You’ll see it when you watch the show? Jennifer gives us this load of shit about how coming to gymnastics helps Charlie with her pageants and memorizing her routines. Her routine is being a brat and she doesn’t have to practice.

Seeing her coach, Charlie whines, “I don’t wanna go.” Shocker. Coach Michael lets out a long, loud sigh and says, “Charlie definitely has a personality to her,” which translated means, “All we ever do when you leave is talk about what a little bitch you are – my mother doesn’t even believe you exist!” He continues, “She can be a diva sometimes…but it’s great,” which translated means, “She can be a diva at times but I’m on camera and need the money.”

“Charlie’s tumbling coach is really hard on her,” Jennifer says. You can hear him calling her movements ugly, unless maybe he’s talking about her insides. And pouty face. He says ugly quite a bit. “There aren’t a lot of four year olds who can do handsprings,” Jennifer says. Or act like Naomi Campbell.

Jennifer tells us that sometimes she worries she puts too much on Charlie, but she seems to handle it. She says if ever it turns out to be too much and it’s obvious she can’t handle it, they will stop.

STOP!

Samantha and her family pull up to Zen salon in one of those big-ass trucks with the wheels so high you need a ladder to get in. Klassy! Ricky Ray tells us Samantha has been excited to get her hair and nails done “for months,” and it’s pretty cute when she walks in with sunglasses on like a movie star. Allison tells us they’ve spent around $800-900 for this pageant.

We see Samantha getting her nails done including arm rub, then they are scrubbing down her feet in the pedicure tub, then they fluff up her hair and she looks adorable – naturally pretty and very cherubic. Oh, I said it. Too bad we can’t stay here…

There better be a bowl of only green M&Ms at my table.

Instead, we head over to Amandaville where she’s being a classless hilljack. “You need to relax that chin,” she says while rubbing boogers out of her nose. “This is what you look like,” she screeches while making a face like she’s Pinocchio or something. She’s truly a wonderful coach. Stagecoach!

Alyssa plays around and makes the move she was doing even more exaggerated, which does nothing but set Amanda off. “Why would I waste money on this pageant if you’re not going to do your best relax those shoulders and listen to what I’m saying!” she says. You’re not playing it up for the cameras, are you Amanda? Alyssa is pissed because she has her own walk and Amanda won’t let her do it.

“My mom yells a lot during pageant day,” Alyssa says. She yells a lot period. Alyssa draws a picture of her mother “crazy.” It’s pretty accurate. One eye is bigger than the other, her head is huge, her hair is a mess – pure artistic genius.

So detailed!

“I am pregnant at the moment,” she says. Will you not be a few moments from now? “And because I am pregnant I might have a meltdown this weekend.” Well, that does explain some of the fatness but not all. You just know she’s chugging Mountain Dew during her waking hours. Also, I wish I could use being single as my reason for having a meltdown. “As you all know, I’m not pregnant, I just hate stupid people and because of that I may have a meltdown at this meeting.”

Amanda sees the picture and says, “It’s good to know what I look like in your eyes, huh?” Uh, Amanda? You look like that to all of America, or specifically the fine viewers of TLC.

Back in Bakersfield, Jennifer tells us that her unfortunately named son Myree will be joining her at the pageant this weekend. He must have been really bad. She says it’s really hard to have three boys and one girl because it’s complete chaos when four kids get together. Jennifer, there’s this thing, it’s called birth control. You should have used it prior to Charlie.

Jennifer comes into Charlie’s room and says they are going to pack for the pageant. “Okay pee-pee head,” Charlie says, which is unfair because her mother is brunette not blonde, and it really should be “ca-ca head.” Jennifer says they’ve only done Gold Coast one time so she doesn’t know what to expect, although that really doesn’t make sense. It’s a pageant. How different can it be from the others?

Jennifer tells us that Charlie really wants to win and she’s been working really hard despite what we’ve seen and heard to the contrary. Jennifer, how much denial can one woman be in about how much her daughter likes pageants? Kid is a brat and she doesn’t enjoy anything about it. Please stay home and watch TV instead. It’s much cheaper.

On cue and with dead eyes and dead voice, Charlie interviews, “I wanna win the crown and I wanna win the money.” Pout. Oh, yeah, she’s really showing some desire there. We see them pack up the car and hear Charlie scream. Get the Benadryl!

With that smile? How could you lose?

Pageant Director Kim characterizes Charlie as a “diva” which is code for “unruly bitch.” At the hotel, Jennifer is asking Charlie to sit on the bed. “Sit…SIT!” She says, and Charlie just continues to lean against the bed. I would totally paddle this kid. Jennifer is doing Charlie’s hair and she’s twisting and turning and crying. Get the duct tape.

“I’m the one burning my fingers on these rollers here,” Jennifer says. “Burn some more and you’d be all burned and die,” Charlie says. What a little bitch. I mean, who in their right, disciplinarian mind wouldn’t punish this kid? I would totally make her kneel on the register and recite the preamble to the Constitution… for HOURS. Then we’ll see who’s dead.

Samantha, on the other hand, continues to be an adorable, charming, pretty little girl and Pageant Director Kim says so. Then she says that Alyssa has been pageanting a long time and her mother is her coach, “and helps her.” Then we see Amanda saying to Alyssa, “Do you want to get smacked?” Amanda is such white trash.

Amanda tells us it has been a stressful morning. “We are hungry. We are very hungry,” she says. Amanda, I find that hard to believe for you. Live off those reserves…you’ve probably put your baby on a diet anyway. Alyssa says she’s just been trying to follow her rules to calm her down. Poor kid doesn’t have a chance.

Pageant Director Kim says, “It’ll be a great pageant day,” and we see shot after shot after shot of whiny, crabby, snotty, crying, bitchy little girls all over that pageant. Get ME the Benadryl!

Amanda tells us she’s not handling the stress well, which I’m sure is good for her baby. She reminds us of the diet she put Alyssa on, but her Aunt came in with a bag of Oreos and Pringles and told Alyssa she wasn’t on any diet, so Alyssa ran off and ate until her heart’s content. Next time, Amanda, feed the kid a healthy breakfast.

“If she does not fit in her dress, you guys will not see her in the pageant today,” she says. Or drop the drama, mama, you know you aren’t taking her out. If you do, TLC will stop filming you and that would end your reason for living right now.

Allison interviews that when the day began, “I had no idea what we were walking into.” Uh, a pageant? Is this a trick question? She says that when she arrived, she found out one of the judges was the grandmother of someone who competes with Samantha a lot. Shouldn’t they get judges from outside the territory or at the office supply store in the pen refill section?

Eat her.

Allison bitches to her husband and he tries to play it off that this is all for fun. RICKY RAY, ARE YOU CRAZY? Pageants are not for fun! They are vicious competitions for women who are living vicariously through their thin kids. Dammit, Ricky Ray, pull it together for your wife!

And we’re off! The pageant begins and look who’s emceeing, the Barbara Mandrell look-alike, Andrea McLaws, as in “don’t bother me or you’ll be getting the business end of M’cLaws!” Too many babies. Oh my God, one’s named “Opal Love Noble.” Enjoy stipperdom! And Maya Girk! Is she related to Maya Buttreeks?

Someone hit that bong a little too hard before competition time.

Amanda says she’s stressed, particularly because the pageant just started and they have 6 or 7 more hours to go. I guess because most of the other pageants you participate in are drive-thru? Get with the program, woman, that’s how these things work!

Oh, here we go…”Charlie is good at hair and makeup when somebody else is doing it,” Jennifer lies. We see Charlie moving her head back and forth while a makeup artist tried to put makeup on her. I would totally have poked her in the eye on purpose. The makeup artist is polite in saying “Charlie was a little more difficult to deal with. She wouldn’t listen or smile. Didn’t really give me a good vibe.” HAHAHAHA! That was excellent.

Jennifer keeps trying to coax Charlie through the makeup, but she keeps saying, “Down, down, down.” Maybe there is something wrong with her? I mean, besides being a huge brat. Jennifer warns that Charlie is going to get poked in the eye with the mascara wand, and I say POKE HER, POKE HER GOOD. That sounded sooo dirty.

Allison interviews that Gold Coast has its own hair and makeup person and you are not allowed to bring in your own. I wonder if they do it to keep things even, but I also wonder why they don’t hire more than one person when each kid takes about 2 hours to get ready. Allison is freaking out because their hair and makeup lady is running behind and Samantha goes on in 30 minutes – less time than it takes to do her hair.

“Samantha is not going to look the way I want her to look,” Allison says. Ricky Ray makes the amateur husband mistake by laughing at Allison instead of helping to solve the problem. Allison says her husband thinks it’s funny that the pageant mom is having a breakdown, but he probably won’t when she cuts him off for sex for two years. Another two years.

Pageant Director Kim tells Allison that they won’t start the pageant until all the girls are ready. Or you could have just hired extra people and we could all be at the bar drinking right now! Crisis averted.

Let me guess. Yours is the bald one.

But what about the local panel of judges who were conspiring against Samantha? Gone! They have all new judges, and you know if they got new ones that quickly, they have to be high-caliber. Some greasy-haired surfer dude who talks about “my experience” is now on the panel. What experience is that, duuuude?

Charlie steps out of normal mode to tell us her family has their shirts all in pink with her picture and name on it. Next weekend they’ll be washing the cars with them. They do a cheer together and Charlie is about to take off – “Wait, wait!” Jennifer says. “Booger!” Again, this is why I don’t have kids. Boogers.

First up, Charlie! She gets on stage, smiles, but is pretty boring. “I act like a princess onstage,” she says. And a bitch on wheels elsewhere. The emcee says Charlie enjoys pageants and “just being a great kid.” If only that were true!

Allison continues to whine and says that Charlie has a lot more experience than Samantha. She’s also a monster, so you can probably relax. Samantha is up next and everyone is cheering loudly. Charlie covers her ears because she didn’t get that kind of love. Samantha is adorable, she really does show off her bubbly personality onstage, and I totally want to buy her an American Girl doll that looks just like her and take her to tea at the American Girl restaurant until I realize it’s full of kids and then I just take her to Dunkin’ Donuts so I can get some good coffee.

Look of death being shot by Charlie’s mom. Wouldn’t kill you to applaud for the competition, crab ass.

Dress crisis – will Alyssa fit into it with her size 0 ass? Yes, I think she will. ACK! Pageant Judge Denise really ought to reconsider that much cleavage at her age. The upside is that if she needed emergency open heart surgery, she’s ready to go.

Up next…Alyssa. Amanda jumps up and whistles that two-fingered way. HOTT. Alyssa looks really beautiful onstage and I adore that dress. “Her favorite person is her grandma,” yeah, because she FEEDS her, “and her goal in life is to be an artist in Paris.” Yeah, because it’s like 7500 miles away from her mother. Now how do I get a dress like that in adult size? Stunning!

Alyssa gets offstage and says it was scary. “I think the judges weren’t happy with me at all,” she says. Awww…why? She says only one judge looked at his paper. Maybe because they were so enamored of you! Think of it that way!

Bathing Beauty competition next. That’s code for swimsuit. Samantha is up first and she is such a girlie girl up there. She’s shimmying and shaking but not in a sexy way, in an adorable cute kid way. But she keeps looking backstage and Allison and Ricky Ray are like WTF? It looks like she’s looking at someone who is coaching her. Oh, bitch, it’s ON!

Allison complains – I know, what’s new – that she was upset someone was backstage feeding her daughter moves. Well, I get that, but next time why don’t you get up in front where all the other pageants moms stand when they feed their kids the moves, mmmmkay?

Allison heads backstage for a smackdown and somebody gets it good -they just don’t show the person who was probably smart enough not to sign the release. We hear Allison say, “I am not appreciating this. She was distracting her!” then we see her grab Samantha and walk off.

“It was another pageant mom, trying to coach Samantha,” she says. The mother apparently told Allison, “Well you weren’t here to coach her so I was.” Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me…you know all the coaching goes on out front, right behind all the judges. Doyee. I’m calling sabotage on this one.

Charlie is up next and of course Allison has to complain to her husband. “This is a totally coached kid,” she says. Charlie seems very low-energy, there’s no spark to her face, it’s all very forced and bland and oh by the way did I mention how much I cannot stand this brat? No? I hate her with the heat of a thousand suns!

Calm down, Gilbert Gottfried.

After Charlie is finished, Jennifer immediately goes back stage and screeches, “What was that? You forgot?” She shrugs her shoulders like WTF? “You forgot your routine? What was up with that?” She’s a brat who doesn’t practice or care, that’s what’s up with that. How could someone who looks so Asian be that stupid?

Amanda makes Alyssa wear heels with her bathing suit instead of sandals, because nothing says classy like heels and a bikini. Just ask Hugh Hefner. “I think swimwear and heels look really good together,” Amanda tells us. She was going for elegance, in case anyone was doubting her. I will say that I do love Alyssa’s sandals, they are very cute.

Backstage, some dumbass mother thinks it’s her job to interject on someone else’s kid (I would love to know if this woman was the same one “coaching” Samantha), and she tells Alyssa to take her shoes off. She backs down and says, “Do what your mom says.” Yeah, thanks for that comment Stranger Danger.

Alyssa is up and she jumps onstage and immediately does the snorkel move we all do at weddings and assorted bar mitzvahs. Amanda jumps up, holds her hand up like she’s heil-ing Hitler, and screams “STOP!” which would have frozen me in my tracks. Kudos to Alyssa for continuing the routine.

“When Alyssa came out and did the snorkel move,” Amanda tells us as we see footage of her in slow motion jumping up and screaming “STOOOOP!” “That move is way too young for Alyssa and that’s something you would never do wearing heels and a swimsuit.” Yeah, you normally don’t wear heels with a swimsuit in the first place. Also, she’s 8, so it’s hard to say what’s too young for your little girl.

Sorry. I thought I saw an ice cream truck passing by.

“I thought, well, she just lost, but at least she’s having fun,” Amanda says, which translates to “we just blew it and all that money went right down the drain.” You know, Amanda, maybe she wouldn’t have forgotten that you didn’t like the snorkel move if you had given her the proper nutrition leading up to the pageant. Just a thought for future body issue discussions.

Talent competition, the worst part of the show. “Watching Charlie do talent, it’s like ‘Oh my God, did that little girl just do that?’” Jennifer says. Only in your mind, Jennifer, only in your mind. She’s not that extraordinary, trust me.

Charlie gets onstage in her Elvis/Jazz Hand ensemble and basically begins to look like a sex blow-up doll. Seriously, there’s no smile, just her making some kind of o-face. It’s awful. There’s no zazz, no spark. Then she tries to do that stretchy thing that I mentioned before – grab her foot, hold her leg out completely straight, and bounce around in a circle. Unfortunately, she just ends up looking like an old Ziegfield Follies girl way past her prime.

The ever elusive yawn move.

“Nice job, Carly,” the announcer says. “Charlie! CHARLIE!” Jennifer screams. So klassaaaay. Your kid ain’t winning, so shut it.

Next up…Samantha! Singing “Yankee Doodle Dandy.” Oh no! Well, I should just be grateful it’s not “Tomorrow.” She’s not the most in-tune kid, but she looks so absolutely sweet onstage that how can you not love it? Charlie’s family won’t applaud for her. Rude.

Jennifer interviews, “Everybody cheered for her singing but nobody cheer for the girls who were dancing and doing difficult stuff.” Probably because the “girls” who were “dancing” and doing “difficult stuff” sucked. At least Samantha had some passion onstage, your daughter bounced around like a pogo stic from the irregular bin.

Sorry but I have a hundred pictures of this and it was hard to pick just one.

Crowning time! Thank God, I really need to get to bed. Optional Awards first…Prettiest Smile…Samantha! That’s a big duh, she’s so cute. Miss Personality…Samantha! Most Charm…Samantha! Jennifer shrugs like she’s totally pissed. Your daughter is the bad seed, get used to it.

Best Attire…Charlie (the one thing that didn’t have to do with her as herself but the dress her mother BOUGHT…hahaha, awesome). They try to put the ribbon over her head but it doesn’t fit. “A little too small,” the emcee says. Or her head is just really, really, really big.

Next up is court for that division. Tiny Miss 2009 Arizona second runner up, Charlie! Suck on that Jennifer. In her klassy way, Jennifer says, “She got second!” and turns back towards the judges and yells – I mean yells, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” Way to be a good sport about your loser daughter. Charlie pouts on the stage.

Jennifer pitches a fit in an interview saying you have to be perfectly poised and Charlie was. What pageant were you watching? She was a mess and really boring. No spark! No zazz! No life!

First runner up…some other girl! The new Tiny Miss 2009 Arizona Gold Coast Deep Dish Supreme is none other than Samantha! She earned it, and we can’t say that about a lot of these girls. “I did a lot of cute stuff, that’s why they gave it to me,” she says. You’ve got that right, sister!

We see Jennifer slouched in the audience, her face twisted in knots. You look really good, Jennifer, what with your twitchy bitchface and all. Now I’m starting to see where Charlie gets it. “I should have just told her to go up there and shake her butt and maybe should would have did better.” First of all, it’s “done better,” and second of all, the winner sang a song while standing very still. She didn’t shake her butt. Problem is, your daughter didn’t do much of anything and that is probably why she’s a big fat loser.

Jennifer sees Charlie and says, “You did good. Let’s go. I don’t know what happened.” Somebody beat your ass because you suck and because karma is a bitch except to spectators like us.

“I have no idea why Charlie placed so low today,” Jennifer says. Really, Cleopatra, Queen of Denial? I do, and so does every other viewer. Charlie starts crying but it’s probably because it’s 5:20 and she’s on a tight tantrum schedule. Jennifer says it stinks when they are trained and do everything right and it doesn’t pay off. It’s especially stinks when your kid is not trained and does everything sloppy, too.

“She was way more experienced and that might have been what hurt her,” Jennifer convinces herself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

They just didn’t get the yawn move. Their loss!

Up next…Junior Miss division. Optionals first…Most Beautiful Face…Alyssa! Miss Personality…not Alyssa! Most Beautiful Dress…not Alyssa. Sweetheart Queen…Alyssa!

“My mother’s crying,” Amanda says. “Boo-hoo, baby, boo-hoo, baby,” she says. You white trash, shut up. Grandma excuses herself to the back of the room because she’s already crying about Alyssa. Odd family.

Second runner up…Alyssa! Hmm. Alyssa interviews later, “I’m second runner up. That means I’m a loser,” she says, tearing up. She probably heard that from her mother.

Amanda says, “She did the best she could considering her competition,” which is a terrible way to say she wasn’t good enough. That poor kid. “The little girl who won the pageant is trained in Pro-Am style, which is more modeling.” Amanda admits Alyssa isn’t trained in Pro-Am. “The style I train her is more…elegance,” Amanda says, making that style up completely.

Alyssa is crying her head off, poor kid. She mouths, “I lost,” and tells the camera to go away. Amanda says she’ll be training her in Pro-Am and they will probably use her short dress. “If she can fit in it,” Amanda says, and TLC adds a cymbal crash. Excellent sound effects!

Back in Charlieland, Jennifer tells Charlie she could “lose the little mood,” and Charlie starts screaming and crying. Maybe Jennifer needs to lose the little kid. Jennifer says the high points were seeing her onstage and the low points were the judging results. How could someone with glasses be that stupid? “I believe the results were wrong,” she says. I think everyone knows they were totally and completely right.

I have a headache.

“Looks like Samantha and Charlie will be in competition for awhile,” she says, making total and complete bitchface. Hardly. Samantha is way ahead of Charlie on these things, it’s just a matter of time before Charlie is forced out into the prostitute pageant.

Outside, Samantha’s dad puts her trophy in the truck. Samantha says she’s the tiniest queen and “I feel great.” Good for you, you earned it! Family high-fives all around!

Looks like next week T&T is pre-empted by a Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathon of woe…I’m trying to figure out if this was the season finale but TLC ain’t saying. If you need more Dear Crabby snark, head over to Ugly Betty!