Toddlers & Tiaras: Your Kid Hates You and I Love It

Toddlers & Tiaras is back with a vengeance, people! The glitz! The glamour! The obnoxiously bratty kids who make me want to get my tubes tied! Stephanie Sims, Pageant Director for the Little Miss Glitz pageant tells us it’s not your run-of-the-mill county fair pageant. “You’ll see everything from eyelashes to flippers, hair to the sky and a lot of glamour. The glitzier, the shinier, the better.” So it IS just like every other run-of-the-mill pageant.

But with worse posture.

The big prize? The cash prize of $500. Are you kidding me? That is small potatoes compared to some of these places. Remember the poorly run pageant that gave a weekend trip to the mom who won but has yet to collect on that actual prize? “The stakes are high,” she says. Aren’t they always?

First crazy mom, Nicole Rodriguez from Clementon, New Jersey, says, “My son Cruz is going to take home a crown at the Little Miss Glitz Pageant.” Turns out they let boys participate too. Lucky bastards! Cruz is 22 months old and is already on the bottle. Or is still on the bottle, I guess. His mother shows him all of his trophies and the kid could not give a crap. Except that maybe he did in his diapers.

OK I get wanting higher brows, but a shave and then a paint on? Those things are almost on her forehead.

Nicole says she wanted to get her son in pageants because, “So many people said ‘Your daughter, your son is so beautiful, like a statue, like a porcelain doll. And that’s what people envy, they want the doll.” What the hell? Also, they show white dolls when the kid is clearly Obama-colored. Thanks, TLC.

And….sexual identity crisis.

Nicole continues with the confusing androgynous thing. She says when Cruz is onstage, the judges can’t figure out if he’s a boy or a girl. I think his mommy wishes he were a girl and he’s either going to grow up gay or a wife-beater. Cruz throws his trophies all over the floor.

“If he’s good looking enough that people think he’s a girl, he’s that much more beautiful,” Nicole says. It will be one of the many observations/denials she’ll be making about how wonderful a child she has. Cruz pushes over more trophies.

The second this kid learns the F word he’s gonna rant like a crazy person.

Nicole is looking forward to coming home with a big title because they are actually traveling to Tampa for this pageant. Because traveling 1500 miles so your dumbass terrible two can compete in a pageant is really money well-spent. Cruz pushes over another trophy. Yeah, this kid is the total package. If the wrapper says, “Serial killer.”

Over in Ocala, Florida, a little closer to the actual event, we meet three-year-old Kinley and her not-so-crazy mom Lisa. They are having fun practicing, Kinley is a good-natured kid and Lisa endears herself to all of us “normal” people by saying that pageants are out of her comfort zone. She said they got involved because when Kinley was 2, she saw a friend compete and wanted to try it. How did she have the cognitive ability to decide that?

Did her friend like to shoot things too? Cuz this kid’s starting to kinda scare me.

In Kissimmee, Florida, where my grandmother used to live, we meet crazy mom numero dos, Katherine. “My children, Angelle and Maddox are following in my pageant footsteps,” she says. Oh no. “I did pageants as a child and I wanted them to follow in my footsteps.” Yeah, my parents made me take accordion classes but you don’t see me buying 4 doggie accordions and torturing my dogs, do you?

Not to be confused with Angelina and Maddox. Facepalm.

“I decide to enter Angelle in pageants as soon as I found out I was having a girl,” Katherine tells us. Jesus, you’re not trying to get her into Exeter, it’s a county pageant. Pay the entrance fee and you’re in! Turns out she went online to look for the first pageant they could enter and judging by the picture of Angelle at the pageant, the pageant was held in the delivery room about 10 seconds after she was cleaned up. What the hell is wrong with people?

I have to admit, though. That hair is amazing. Embryonic fluid is better than Pomade.

Turns out Angelle has no interest in showing off her crown or sashes to the camera crew. Katherine’s son Maddox, however, has won six out the 8 pageants he’s been in, including an international one (Tijuana?), so he’s a little more into it. “He’s mommy’s little boy,” she says. And probably always will be.

Then screw you kid! Mommy’ll make a good child who LISTENS!!

“I have a very perfect little girl and a very perfect little boy,” she says. Very perfect? First of all, awkward, second of all, at least you’ve set achievable standards for your children to live up to. I’m sure neither of them will have eating disorders when they grow up.

Over at Sassy Tan, Kinley is about to get hosed with some browning chemicals. Is there no rule about tanning three year olds? That seems like a terrible thing to do to young kids. I mean, I love it because it doesn’t make me wrinkled…but it is probably lining my lungs. At least I have that choice.

We’ll be tattooing on your makeup after lunch.

Back at Katherine’s house, she’s discussing Maddox’s tux with him. Yeah, he cares. She tells us that preparing Angelle for pageants is much more strenuous than preparing Maddox. Probably because Angelle hates them and fights you every step of the way? What could that mean?

Katherine hooks a huge amount of probably Asian-kid hair to Angelle and Angelle says she doesn’t want to wear it and she wants it off. Katherine tells us they’ve hired someone to do Angelle’s hair and makeup, and once again I know that will be money well-spent.

“If you are going to enter a glitz pageant, you’d better glitz it up all you can,” she says. To paraphrase, go glitz or go home! Angelle cries until the hair comes off. Your kid hates this, try to pay attention.

I hate you, mother. HATE.

Oh look, Daddy’s home! And he’s cop like on Chips. Katherine says she doesn’t think her husband likes pageants and he interviews that he doesn’t understand why his wife likes them so much. Probably because her life is an empty shell and you’re popping someone skinnier at work?

On his wife: “I think she must have eaten paint chips as a child,” he says. Wow. That was…wow. On national television. Really? That’s what you wanted to say about the mother of your kids? Holy shit, no wonder she’s putting all her efforts into pageants, that’s the closest she’s probably coming to having an orgasm in this marriage.

“If I would have known my wife was into pageants, I never would have married her,” he says. What an asshole! I mean, I get it, but what a mean thing to say. Also, did you not get to know her before you got married? Did that not come up about her doing pageants in her childhood?

Yes kids, I hate mommy too. Let’s go get ice cream without the loon.

Back on the Jersey Shore, Nicole and her husband Fabian are taking Cruz to the salon for some de-worming. Fabian says they are kind of an entertainment family because she sings and he’s in a tribute act. Only if the tribute is for Milli Vanilli, dude. Cruz already starts to throw a tantrum.

Nicole tells us that since he already looks like a girl, getting his hands and feet done “just tops it all off.” Oh, he’ll be getting topped off some day, either by the florist or a stripper, I haven’t figured out which. Nicole keeps saying, “Only the best for Cruzie.” No wonder kids these days think their shit doesn’t stink. Good luck in the real world, Cruzie.

Nicole says when he was first born and she “got a good look at him,” she said he was her “million-dollar baby.” Wow, someone is REALLY in love with fame and fortune. Enjoy your stay on Fantasy Island. She says he’s going to do movies and pageants and people will love him because of his look. But they’ll hate him because of his personality and his overbearing mother.

Fabian says people said they were pushing Cruz into pageants, but he thinks they are “guiding his future.” Or flushing it down the toilet with all the money you are spending on mani-pedis for a 22-month old.

“Would I like him to become a celebrity? Sure. Then he could take care of us for once,” Fabian says. Well, I’m sure he’s been a real drain what with you taking care of him ALL 22 months he’s been on this planet. And does anyone remember when parents wanted their kids to be lawyers and doctors and now they just settle for being “a celebrity.” Enjoy your tour of the reality shows, Cruz.

I was going to write a caption for this, but I think “Fabian Rodruguez: Sean Paul Impersonator” will suffice.

Back in Kissimmee, Katherine is practicing with Maddox. There’s no routine beyond bouncing him around while mom holds him between the legs. Say goodbye to your nuts, Maddox. She tells us that Angelle doesn’t get into pageants as much as she does. Then we see footage of Angelle refusing to practice. She’s not so much bratty as much as she is just sick of pageants.

“Angelle’s name is French and it actually means Angel,” Katherine ironically tells us as Angelle is acting like the spawn of Satan and frowning while practicing something that involves a huge flower pot. Also, I looked up the translation and angel in French is ange, not angelle. See? That southern drawl is there to warn you: Idiot!

“But that doesn’t mean she’s a little angel,” Katherine says. Angelle growls. That’s awesome. “Do you want a candy?” her mother asks. “Do your dance once and you’ll get a candy.” Great, enjoy your fat kid who will now eat anytime she accomplishes something. Actually, scratch that, she won’t be accomplishing anything.

“Some people would call what I’m doing bribery,” Katherine says. Why, because it totally and completely provides an example of the exact definition of what bribery is? “I call it positive reinforcement.” Moron.

Talent Portion

Over at Sassyfras in Ocala, Kinley is going to a coaching lesson to learn how to point her toes and “do pretty feet and pop toe,” as well as pretty hands. Her coach says she’s a joy to work with and Kinley really enjoys doing pageants.

Kinley’s glamour dress is Daphne…from Scooby-Doo? Do kids that age know about Scooby, Shaggy and their munchies?

Speaking of coaches, Cruz’s coach shows up and basically just wants her check because this kid a waste of her time and energy. They try to train him and he just runs all over the place. Because he’s almost 2 and is already suicidal.

Nicole tells us that she hired a coach to learn how to hold Cruz in such a way that it keeps him from smacking her. How about smacking him back? With a newspaper? That is just not acceptable for a kid to do twice. You get once, then you get your ass handed to you. Smacking? Over.

However, Cruz just slaps and slaps and slaps Nicole some more. The coach picks him up and he doesn’t smack, then Nicole does it and he smacks her. What, what, WHAT is the common denominator? Cruz lays on the floor, faking his own death.

Snatch her weave. That’ll teach her.

Oh good, Angelle is getting spray-tanned for the first time. Her mother says she probably doesn’t understand what’s going on (I’m pretty sure she means Angelle). She also says they didn’t tell dad about the tanning. Probably because he’d put a stop to something so stupid. Angelle chokes on the spray. Keep your mouth shut when the nice lady hoses you!

Oh good, Nicole is showing Fabian how to hold an eel. Actually, it’s Cruz. That kid is a nightmare, screaming and crying and wiggling and whatnot. She wants to make sure Fabian knows how to hold Cruz in case he is the one who takes him onstage. As you’ll see later, it’s good that they practiced.

Cruz continues to throw a temper tantrum and clearly hates his mother. Dad holds him and he’s fine. Get used to this story. Cruz cries some more.

The best way to hold him is when he’s handcuffed.

Pageant day! “The pageant scene in Florida is pretty tough,” Pageant Director Stephanie tells us. Whatever, pay your fee and you get a crown. They show Nicole holding Cruz and he starts crying again. Jerk.

This pageant includes glam wear, casual wear, and talent. You know that can’t be good. Katherine asks Angelle if she’s excited and she says no, so Katherine explains to us that you never know what kind of day you’re going to get with Angelle. “It’s a crap-shoot,” she says. Not really…your kid has been consistently against going to the pageant since the show started. It’s not so much a crap-shoot as a death march you seem to be leading.

“There’s lots of prizes if you do good,” Katherine tells Angelle. Don’t expect this in the real world, Angelle. If you “do good” at work, your prize is being able to keep your soul-sucking job and lose whatever dreams and hopes you may have had. If you’re lucky, you can steal some pens. That’s the real prize.

Jean Paul is Angelle’s hair and makeup artist and I’m pretty sure it’s Cameron Manheim. Katherine says she thinks the judges will be looking for that high-glitz kid. What gave it away, the “Little Miss Glitz” pageant title? Angelle yawns so you know it’s going to be a good day. Then she complains about her hairpiece.

All that money and time spent on hormones only to realize you’re even uglier as a woman.

Lisa tells us Kinley loves getting her hair and makeup done and getting dressed up. This kid is in such a good mood! She says, “I’m not whiney and fussing.” No kidding.

Oh, good, Cruz’s mother is spazzing out. She says she’s terrified about being late and guess what? She’s late! She had until 10am to get Cruz ready and they are running about 10 minutes behind. Lady, seriously, how hard is it to wake up let’s say at 7am, get yourself ready and get that damn kid ready by 10am? This is not the time to sleep in and order room service.

Nicole asks her husband for socks and he doesn’t know where to look so she spazzes out. Fabian tells her to calm down and she’s too busy having a breakdown. Cruz throws a fit and fights her every step of the way. “I’m hoping Cruz doesn’t have one of his moments,” she says. You mean like you are right now?

In the elevator, she says, “Please God, let him do good.” I would change that to “Please God, let me speak WELL,” but whatever. I’m sure the good Lord can ignore your hideous grammar and make sure your son wins some county beauty pageant. That’ll show those less fortunate!

In the lobby, Nicole is freaking out because Cruz’s hair is wet, his shirt is untucked, and her husband is being useless. The more stressed she gets, the more Cruz tantrums. Awesome.

The judges give us that “whole package” bullshit they are trained to give us and the sole male judge says he will take points off if they don’t have the whole package. Yeah, you’re balding, so I’m going to have to take points off. Douche.

Oh no. If Social Services doesn’t start doing their jobs, I’m gonna stop paying taxes.

First up that we care about, Baby Misters. Nicole tells us that Cruz is going to glow up there on stage. Only from his red tantrum face. Cruz is up! Nicole takes him up there and says the judges are going to think he’s drop-dead gorgeous and beautiful. Look, I know you need to say that about your kid, but a little humility wouldn’t kill you. Especially since your kid looks like a pimp sporting a Jheri-curl/Soul-Glo head. “He’s so beautiful he looks like a girl,” Nicole says. Well he has a winkie so I’m guessing HE’S NOT A GIRL! Get over it!

What chance does this kid have in life? Someone’s gonna put this on facebook in a few years and cock block him for all time.

The emcee announces that Cruz’s nickname is “Cruzie and he most admires his mommy.” Are you kidding me? Nicole, you are delusional. Please join us in the real world. Your kid hates you, he’s average looking, and your husband is going to leave you for someone nice. There’s YOUR whole package.

By the way, Cruz sucked onstage. Nicole thinks otherwise. Go figure.

Well he didn’t take a giant crap or hit anyone, so better than expected.

Next up? Maddox! “His biggest accomplishment is surviving his birth, considering he was born 10 weeks early.” So what. I survived a mother who both smoked and drank while pregnant just like the rest of my generation did in the 60s and 70s. There’s your real accomplishment, Katherine.

Maddox’s poor nuts! Stop bouncing him on your hands, Katherine, he’s going to need those later!

Second call to Social Services this hour.

Tiny Miss division is up next. Angelle is having a meltdown right before getting onstage. Good timing!

Katherine tells us that if Angelle goes onstage and does what she’s supposed to do, she gets a toy right away. Remember, it’s not bribery, her mother is merely providing positive reinforcement by giving her something of value for completing an act of some kind.

“She goes on and makes mommy happy, then she gets a prize,” Katherine says proudly. You are one f*cked up mommy, Katherine. Don’t be surprised if you wake up to Angelle screaming RED RUM at you one night.

Kinley interviews that everyone else at the pageant doesn’t like it. “They just cry,” she says, “but I don’t.” I know, you’re a good kid. How can I make fun of you when you have such good manners and a sunny outlook? “Everybody’s whining,” she tells her mother. Especially the recapper!

Three year olds are up next and Katherine asks Angelle if she’s ready to rock it. “NO!” she says. She starts crying again. Angelle gets onstage and barely smiles or moves and her mother has to maneuver her around like a puppet. There is no total package here unless it’s Girl, Interrupted.

Extremely well placed CAUTION tape.

Angelle wants her prize and her mother tells her it’s back in the room and she can’t have it because she didn’t do her beauty. Great…promise her something then break you promise because she didn’t do exactly what you wanted. Your daughter hates you as much as pageants, just FYI.

….to be an a hole.

Up next, Kinley! She’s excited about doing her pretty feet. She’s all smiles and starshine and unicorns. Kinely works it like a pro and her mother says, “I thought she looked beautiful.” That’s because she is – inside and out! And I don’t even like small humans!

I have nothing for this pic, I just thought it was hilarious.

Here we go, Cruz is freaking out and crying and Nicole is snapping at Fabian and making Cruz crazy. Fabian says she needs to calm down a notch because Cruz is going to feel her frustration. Unfortunately, he’s telling this to the camera instead of that bitch wife of his. Perhaps he can borrow what’s left of Maddox’s nuts and tell his wife off?

Cruz goes screaming through the halls and Fabian tries to calm everyone down. Nicole yells that he sees Cruz acting up and he does nothing. Well, it’s hard for him to do anything when you send him on his way, call him names and walk away with the kid. Also, white is not making you look slim. At all.

“I’m going to have dad take him onstage,” Nicole says. Thank God. Cruz goes onstage with dad and is totally calm and relaxed. Nicole complains that he didn’t smile. I think the fact his head didn’t spin around is the real victory.

Maddox is up next and inexplicable gets onstage in a garbage can…oh, I guess it’s the Oscar the Grouch shirt that makes the whole thing come together. Katherine, seriously! Enough with the nut-squashing!

You’ll get along with Cruz’ family just fine.

Kinley looks adorable in her Daphne outfit and I have to tell you, I’m loving her hair. How bouffant-y! In the other corner is Angelle who says she is not doing her routine. “We’ll see,” Katherine says. Did I mention how much your daughter hates pageants? And you? It’s a lot. Really.

“I have another prize for you, do you want to see it?” Katherine says, cheating on giving the kid her prize early so she’ll actually get onstage. Wow, a psychologist would have a field day with this family relationship. Angelle gets onstage and is boring as hell. Snore!

Kinley gets onstage and her dad is pulling her in a Scooby-Doo van! She interviews later that she did the best she could. Then she sums it up nicely: “Scooby-Doo, where are you?” Probably out back toking up.

AW. The girl with the giant club feet should win.

Next up is the talent competition, which means we are in for a LONG evening. Luckily the TLC editors feel our pain and keep this cut short. Cruz has been removed from the talent portion because he won’t shut the f*ck up. Seriously, SHUT UP!

Just stopping by. I was in the neighborhood buying weed.

Maddox heads out with Mommy’s nut-busting help and flies around like a sailor or something. Angelle is hiding from her mother and screaming “No!” Her talent is a flower pot dance or some such nonsense.

Katherine FINALLY admits to us and herself that Angelle is “getting to the point where she does not want to do pageants.” Yeah, she’s not GETTING to that point, she’s MADE that point. She’s freakin’ MAYOR of that point and would like to shove that point so far up your ass your breath smells like a day with no pageants!

I will post this kid whenever she’s on screen.

Angelle gets onstage and looks like she wants to hide in the flower pot. She barely does the dance and shows no smile. She hates her life. “I’m pretty proud of her,” Katherine says, seriously. Why? Because she got through it without gouging your eyes out?

I see a long career ahead of you. It’s tip based, but a job’s a job.

Kinley gets onstage and does a song from dance school. Lisa says she’s always proud of Kinley when she gets onstage and what’s not to love? The kid loves this, she’s good at it and she’s not a whiney little bitch.

Time for crowning! “In my mind, Cruz is the obvious winner,” Nicole says. Well, only in your mind. Everyone else knows he’s first loser. Cruz throws a fit and screams and yells. Awesome. If they need a babysitter, I hope they call Satan.

Is that Tina Yothers?

“I’m hoping and praying that I win,” Nicole says. You’re not competing, dumbass, but thanks for showing us who this has really been all about – YOU. Optional category winners…Photogenic, Cruz! Well, I’m not surprised, the photos are probably QUIET. Best hair…NOT CRUZ! Oh, sucks to be YOU, Nicole. Instead they picked a ‘fro. First runner up…Maddox! Katherine is surprised because she thought he’d win King. Sucka!

He just needs a comb sticking out.

Nicole shows us the face she’s going to make when Cruz wins. She’s been rehearsing it a lot, I can tell, which is too bad since he’s totally not going to win. Did you practice your losing face too? No worries, we’ll see it when Cruz blows it. Mister Glitz…NOT CRUZ! In your face, Nicole! Oh…and that’s a bad loser face. You should have practiced THAT one more.

Next up? Wee Miss division…Photogenic…Kinley! YAY! First Runner Up for Wee Miss Glitz division…Angelle! WTF? You have GOT to be kidding me! Who the hell did Katherine blow to get that award? The best part? Angelle slept through her award. Wee Miss Glitz? KINLEY! Awesome! Finally hard work pays off for a kid that deserves it. She’s adorable. Katherine does sincerely give her credit, which is nice.

Ha.

Little Miss Glitz is actually a double-crowning, meaning if you won in your division you can ALSO win overall. Nicole is sure Cruz is going to win. Oh my ASS he is. Those in the running from our kids…Maddox! And he wins! Awww! What a moment for him to share with his dad when he gets home and his dad questions him about eating paint chips. Maddox sleeps through the whole thing until they slap the crown on his head. Grumpy face! Well, I can’t blame him.

Lisa says she’s proud of Kinley and she says she hopes Kinley takes from this that if she has fun and tries her best, that’s what it’s all about. Too normal! Kinley blows us a kiss and says bye. Cruz throws a fit and stomps his feet.

“I think Cruz had a lot of fun,” Nicole says. “He didn’t throw as many tantrums as I thought he would.” How many would that have been? That kid was in tantrum mode from the word go! Oh, Nicole, the staggering amounts of denial spewing from your mouth! Fabian disagrees and says Cruz was miserable. “He just wants to be a kid,” Fabian says.

“I think today Angelle proved she is done with pageants,” Katherine says. Angelle interviews, “I quit pageants.” She tears off her sash and storms out of the interview. Maddox, on the other hand, will continue his pageant nut-busting circuit until he learns how to say no like his sister. Then Katherine will need to find another hobby. Like being a gay divorcee.

At least you won the Best Exit Interview Ever Prize!!