Toddlers & Tiaras: Everybody IS Better Than You!

First a shout-out to Flipit for handling last week’s Toddlers & Tiaras and for making me do numerous spit-takes while reading it. You rock my world! I love the way people’s craziness increases exponentially the more they are involved with pageants.

Second: We begin this week’s traveling freakshow with a little girl peeling out onstage in a pink toy car (lucky bitch!), another girl shakin’ it like she means it, and Southern Glitz Open State Pageant Director Christy Cosby telling us this time it’s going to be “awesome competition.” Well, that’s better than “Sucky Competition.”

Well, that’s one way to straighten out your hunchback.

“Here in the south we are famous for beauty pageants,” Christy says. Yeah, you’re also famous for illiteracy, slavery, lynchings, flying that damn Confederate flag, still bitching about the Civil War – oh, I’m sorry, the War of Northern Aggression (believe me, we held our aggression back more than you know), voting for dumb Republicans (South Carolina, I’m looking at you) and Jew Heaven (Boca). Oh, and Disney World!

“We take it seriously,” she continues. How could you not? “The competition will be fierce!” It’s not Project Runway, calm down.

Did Jillian Barberie miss a day of work for this?

Up in Yankeeland in Kent, Ohio, we meet adorable three-year old Isabella and her “glass half full” mother Sara. “My three year old Isabella is royalty in Ohio,” Sara tells us. Okay, I sort of live in that state, and that’s not really saying much. I mean, I’m royalty in my house and the dogs are my subjects except one of them who is really the court jester. Sara thinks they can carry their royalty title to Louisiana. Only if she plays for the Saints!

Sara says she got Isabella involved in pageants because they don’t like to do everything everybody else does all the time. Whatever helps you sleep on an empty checkbook, chica. Sara tries to get Isabella to practice and it’s a no-go, so Sara encourages her by saying, “I bet I can do it better than you.” Yeah, because you have better motor skills due to your age, there’s an accomplishment!

What a gorgeous child. Thankfully, she has a terror of a mother who will ruin her so she won’t be better than the rest of us.

Isabella’s grandmother Carrie is also involved but more as decoration than influence. She says she knows Sara is a performer and Sara wishes she had been in pageants when she was a kid. Way to let your kid down, Carrie, now Isabella must suffer living her mother’s dreams.

I killed my own daughter’s soul. It’s a family tradition.

Sara’s coaching method involves telling her daughter how she’s doing everything wrong, scolding her, reprimanding her, and basically being disappointed in her daughter as a human being. It seems to work for them.

Over in unfortunately monikered Quitman, Louisiana, four year old Sadie doesn’t understand the concept of volume control as she’s jumping all over the bed. Oy, this is why I have dogs! Sit down and shut up! Her mother Michelle gives us the song-and-dance about how her daughter is ready to take home the crown. With that bob, the only thing she is going to take home is a reporter’s job at a second-rate news station.

Five people died in a fire this morning. Teeheehee

Dad Scott tells us he’s fallen “through the glitz hole.” Thatswhatshesaid. Michelle tells us that Sadie is very competitive and is a “firecracker” which is code for “brat.” She says Sadie doesn’t know how to lose gracefully. That’s putting it mildly as we shall soon see.

Glitz Hole

In Walker, Louisiana, we meet five year old Bella who is forcing her mother to dress the dog in too-tight clothes. Bella, the dog is not a whore, put on something that fits her better or I will call animal control!

Hey. I think this bitch was on Rock of Love Bus.

Mom Jennifer says her daughter started competing at 8 weeks of age thanks to an ad she saw in the newspaper for new moms who have too much time on their hands. Bella shows off a crown that is my new favorite – one with a rhinestone Eiffel Tower! HOLY CRAP! I MUST HAVE THAT CROWN!

Jennifer tells us Bella’s winnings total about $5,200 which is a total suckfest considering she’s five and must have spent probably tens of thousands of dollars on the past 4 years and 10 months of beauty pageants. Oh well, who really wants to go to college anyway?

The tooth fairy has assaulted this kid. Call the coppas!

Back in Ohio, Sara is shoving “very expensive” flippers into Isabella’s mouth. She tells us that the biggest mistake people make with pageants is trying to short-cut on attire or hair and makeup. I would have thought the biggest mistake was entering the pageants in the first place.

“We came out in the beginning with full glitz – dresses, hair and makeup, makeup artists,” Sara says, explaining why she’ll never be able to retire. “We’ve probably invested $35,000 in the past six months,” she says as I barf up my dinner and think about how I could crush at least two of my mortal enemies for that kind of money.

Still practicing, Sara continues to yell at Isabella for not doing anything right and complaining that it’s an overtime job. Her support includes the words, “No, that’s why you’re not placing, that’s why you won’t win puppies, go back and do it again, no, no, no, you suck.” Okay, she didn’t say those last two, but they were implied.

If this kid knew how to say “f u” she would.

Back with Bella, Jennifer tells us they practice, practice, practice. Then Jennifer shows us her slide-slide-slide moves and I think maybe there’s real money to be had in pageants for women who are angry about their lackluster childhoods. Spanx could sponsor them nationwide!

“I think what Bella loves about pageants is having me dote upon her,” Jennifer says. Or maybe that’s what YOU like about it. Also, you’re not Shakespeare so please don’t use the word “dote” again. Ever.

Works better when you look like a potato.

Michelle is taking Sadie to her dance studio and you know it’s classy by the “NO ATVs” sign as they pull in. “Miss Summer is helping us put together a talent routine,” Michelle says. No, I think Miss Summer is putting together a nice little nest-egg with your money. Then we see the caption and it’s actually Mrs. Summer. Much better. “Sadie has a lot of energy,” Mrs. Summer says. Translation: Put this brat on Ritalin!

Isabella is at the salon getting tanned and her mother is really starting to sound like a man as she explains the whole process. Salon lady, however, is the voice of wisdom when she says she doesn’t think little kids should be spray-tanned because they are so little and are cute just the way they are. Doesn’t stop her from taking the money and hosing Isabella with the caustic substance, though. Just like the tobacco companies!

Back in Quitman, Michelle is trying to get Sadie to practice but Sadie prefers to turn the lights of the living room on and off. Scott adeptly announces that he thinks his wife likes the pageants more than Sadie does. What gave it away?

Isabella is at her modeling school and her mother is allowed to watch her practice with her teacher through a very creepy rectangular hole in a wall. What the hell? TLC is just teeing this scene up for every pedophile in America! Also, Isabella’s teacher Miss Lisa is awfully creepy too…lots of makeup, big boobs, and no interest in letting Isabella see her mother even though she begs. It’s like she’s a Catholic priest or something.

That hole is creepy and that is NOT what she said!

Creepy ho with a creepy hole.

Jennifer explains their weird relationship. “We go everywhere together and she pretty much doesn’t let me out of her sight and vice versa,” she says. Enjoy becoming Grey Gardens, you freaks.

Over at Indigo Salon, Sadie is getting her hair and nails done, which is a colossal waste of money because you know those French tips are going to end up picking boogers. Sadie wants pink nail polish because she likes pink. Can’t fault her there. However, she isn’t supposed to have a color on her nails.

“If I told her no she would have gotten upset,” Michelle says. I KNOW, THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED PARENTING. But instead she gives in. This kid is heading for straight-up monsterdom in her teen years. Poor dad!

Jennifer tells us that she loves putting Bella in glitz pageants because of all the glitz and glamour. I’m with ya. She says, “I have a background in cosmetology, even though pageant hair and makeup is totally different from normal hair and makeup.” Okay, first of all, having a background in cosmetology and not a “degree” is the equivalent to me saying I have a background in sushi because I pick some up every Friday night. Also, pageant hair and makeup versus “normal” hair and makeup? Case closed.

Jennifer is teasing Bella’s hair and asks if she can see how her hair is going to look and Bella says, “Yes ma’am.” Dammit, enough with the good manners! Have you met Sadie? If not, please connect with her on Facebook ASAP. Then Bella looks in the mirror and says, “I like looking at myself.” Well, as long as your self-esteem is on high, good for you. Enjoy some hubris for breakfast, though.

Up in Ohio, Isabella is practicing her geisha routine – you must be freakin’ kidding me. I mean, I am actually aware that geishas are not prostitutes as most of us think or joke, but yikes. Cute kimono, though. Sara continues her “No, no, do it again” training program, making sure that within a few years Isabella will be turning to basketball since the coach will NOT be her mother. Hopefully.

This chick is worth a repost, don’t you think?

“To keep a three-year old motivated, I try to use positive reinforcement,” she lies. “No, stop, try it again,” she tells Isabella. Someone give her a dictionary so she can understand the word “positive.” Finally she tells Isabella, “Well, if you wanna not win, then I guess what you’re doing is okay.” Very positive! Thanks mom!

Pageant day! That can only mean one thing! Stress eating and unhappy women! For this pageant, they have 50 girls competing so there’s going to be a lot of winning and losing. “You’re going to see the best of the best,” Pageant Director Christy tells us. Yeah, because I’m sure regional pageants in Louisiana pull in the cream of the crop.

She’s morphing into a present day Debbie Reynolds right before our very eyes.

For this pageant girls will compete in beauty, talent, and outfit of choice which judging by what they show us is hoola-hoop girl, harem girl and a deck of cards for those with a gambling addiction. And son of a bitch they are giving away a puppy! That is just wrong, wrong, wrong especially if it ends up in Sara’s hands because you know she’ll just end up tying it to a tree and driving away screaming NO! NO! NO!

Sara tells us that the drive from Ohio took them 19 hours and Isabella got restless towards the end. Well maybe you should have let her take a bathroom break! I would have been hysterical hour 1 sitting in the car with Sara aka the anti-Tony Robbins.

Bella’s mother puts her hair and makeup on her and Bella thanks her by farting. Wow, she really is the total package! BRRRAP! “I’m so pretty,” Bella says. Yeah, you just don’t smell it.

And now for the talent portion…

Michelle tells us that getting Sadie ready was a bit of a challenge this morning and my question to her is, just this morning? Because Sadie is a brat and I could see her doing that squirmy kid thing every damn morning. Even the Jimmy Dean Sunshine guy would be like, damn, eat Pop Tarts instead, brat!

“I think when you are four you can kind of lose it a little bit,” Michelle says. Yeah, I’m ten times that and still lose it, but I can still get dressed. Also, introducing her to a paddle might help. Sadie whines and her hair is totally not pageant hair. It’s disappointingly short and straight…BORING!

I’m sorry, but your hair doesn’t meet the weight requirement for pageants.

Sara tells us that pageant days are long and honestly, she’s a freakin’ mess and looks like she hates life. We see her trying to keep Isabella’s energy up by feeding her candy – she’s like a reverse Pez machine getting one after another after another shoved into her mouth. Very healthy, Sara.

Judge Ashley tells us they are looking for the total package and facial beauty is a plus. Really? A plus? Are you sure ugly, hairy kids with vitiligo aren’t a plus? Then she gives us the bullshit about personality. “You can always tell when the girl is ripe,” she says. She may have said “right.”

Up first, zero to 18 months. Zero? Isn’t that kid still in the womb? One kid is introduced as Cheyenne, the daughter of “Stacy and Misty.” Well, I’ve heard of Stacy Keach who is a man, but I am praying that this is our first lesbian-raised pageant girl. The lipstick lesbian of the family must be the one at the pageant. Finally, justice for gays in the pageant world. Do ask and do tell!

Sara is in half-pants (never a good look) and an oversized, hooded gray sweatshirt. Tell us again how you think you could have done well in glitz pageants! Because right now you look like you are going to be late for Sociology 101.

“I try not to pressure her or stress her out,” Sara says as TLC brilliantly cuts to footage of Sara telling Isabella not to hold anyone’s hand (like her new friend’s) and how she should get in line and shut the hell up. No stress there. Now pop another Pez down her gullet!

Addict.

Isabella gets onstage and she gets confused as to where to go and Sara goes apeshit. OH MY GOD, CATASTROPHE! “She’s bombing it bad!” Sara says. Well, your bad directions aren’t helping. “You messed up the whole routine,” Sara positively reinforces. “If you do the fake smile you aren’t going to win anything. I wish I didn’t have to tell you what you had to do.” Uh, she’s three, why not back that pressure train down, Sara? Also? Shower?

Next up…Sadie. Wow, walk like a two-by-four much? She’s awful! For someone who loves to compete, she’s acting like a total amateur and looks frightened onstage. There is no personality, no spark, no energy – nothing! I’m somewhat shocked at how badly she sucked it.

Check please!

One girl is introduced as the Pac Man champion and I have to look at a calendar to see the actual year (it’s 2010, not 1985) and another girl’s introduction includes her desire to be the CEO of Tiffany’s. Yeah, might want to spend that pageant money on business school. “Because diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” the announcer finishes. She may just want to marry the CEO of Tiffany’s. And by the way, pre-nups are a girl’s best friend.

Life’s bookends.

Bella is up next and j’adore her hot pink dress and big hair. I can’t help it, she’s like a new Barbie! Unfortunately her mother woo-woos a little too much and loudly. You just know the other mothers are moving their seats away from her.

Isabella is getting ready do her prostitute outfit of choice and she tells the makeup artist that she did badly onstage, that she has a fake smile, and her life is ruined. She’s three. Awesome!

Sadie is being put in a whore-ish Raggedy Ann costume and demands orange juice. NOW! I’d totally waterboard this kid with OJ if I had the chance. There’s your vitamin C, right up your nose and filling your lungs!

Isn’t this fun?!?

Costume competition involves butterflies, lady bug, lady bug part deux, masked whore, fairy, and finally geisha (guess who…and guess who is freaking out at her, Jesus, Sara, calm down!). Sadie gets onstage in a box and the wrong music is playing. Turns out Michelle gave them the wrong music. Points off! POINTS OFF! They actually move to the next contestant while Michelle tracks down whatever music is supposed to be playing while her daughter pops out of a box. Lord!

I’m pregnant and bipolar. Perfect companion show!

Finally the right music is played and it’s totally corny. Sadie pops out of the box and she dances around. Well worth the wait. Not.

Next up is the five and six year olds dressed as the deck of cards, a tiger, a hooker, slutty Snow White, Barbie, and harem girl. Bella gets up in an Elvis outfit and Jennifer starts the woo-wooing again. Oh my God why don’t you shut up?

She’s like a tiny Felicity Huffman.

Jennifer admits to making the outfit that has the big eagle on it – she thinks the judges will be impressed that she made it. Do they even know? She congratulates Bella on a job well-done and I think Sara should take some parenting lessons from Jennifer.

Talent is next…one girl’s talent is swaying back and forth. Pageant Director Christy says she added talent because, “There are some kids who are truly talented.” Unfortunately, none of them are at the pageant today.

So, looks like Sara was able to pull herself together and now she’s all glammed up and showing off her hooties. Isabella gets onstage to dance and of course Sara tells her how she’s doing it wrong. What a horrible mother – is there NOTHING your THREE YEAR OLD kid can do that you like? Don’t be surprised if she gets knocked up at 15 just to get the hell away from you.

Sara is actually pleased with Isabella’s performance! It’s about damn time. Be sure to mention this to her, you know, so she can actually see you happy with her for once.

Sadie is up next and her talent is flapping her skirt all over, looking boring, jumping up and down, fake smiling, and being very stiff. Best talent ever.

Bella is up next and SHUT UP WITH THE WOOs! Bella does a cowboy dance or jumps around or I’m not sure what.

Crowning is up next, thank God. I really need to get to bed.

Oh no you dihuhn’t!

First up, Isabella’s category. Most Beautiful? Not Isabella! Most Photogenic? Isabella! YAY! Supreme Queen? Not Isabella! She loses which means she may have won Supreme Deep Dish! So confusing!

Next up, Sadie’s division. There is no way Sadie is winning one damn thing unless everyone sucked more than she did. Most Beautiful? Not Sadie. Photogenic? Sadie. Well, that’s because no one could see her lackluster performance while the pictures were shot. Supreme Queen? Not Sadie. Which means she may win Supreme. WTF? Dad Scott says he really doesn’t understand the crowning process. Get in line.

Bella’s category is next. Most Beautiful? Not Bella. Photogenic? Not Bella. Supreme Queen? Not Bella! So she loses! Which means she may get a higher Supreme with Canadian bacon and pineapple crown. Actually, a pineapple crown would be so cool!

Nobody knows.

Grand talent? Not our girls. Go figure. Isabella cries but probably more because she’s freakin’ tired. Sara takes her into the bathroom and says that she should stop crying because she’s acting like a fool. No, I think you’re the fool, she’s just three and probably tired beyond all belief. “Turn around and smile right now or we’re going home,” Sara threatens her in the bathroom. Bully.

I don’t really have anything to say in this caption except YOU SUCK!

“Your hair’s a mess, your face is a mess,” she yells at Isabella. Jesus Christ, where is DCFS when you need them? How much more verbally abusive can Sara be to this poor kid. SHE’S F*CKING TIRED you manly man bitch! “We are finished acting a fool,” Sara says. Well, YOU aren’t. Also, is this her third outfit of the day? Sara, next time YOU do the pageant, you seem to need it more, Jamie Sterling 2.0.

Mini Supreme is next…this is zero to 6. Isabella wins! Probably because her hair and face are a mess! Sara says she’s totally proud of her. Then Sara yells at her for putting her hands up.

Grand Supreme? Bella! YAY! She’s adorable and even better, Sadie is crying like a little brat saying nobody likes her. Now you get it! Jennifer says she wasn’t surprised Bella won. Nice modesty. Sadie screams that everybody is better than her. No, just more polite.

This is really gonna hurt when your mom beats you with it.

Ultimate Grand Supreme…Sadie. Oh you have GOT to be kidding! WTF times a million! She was awful! She had the personality of treated lumber! Someone is sleeping with and or blowing a judge, that’s all I’m going to say. She was terrible and I cannot believe she beat any of the other girls out. Something is very fishy about this whole thing and I’m officially calling BULLSHIT on this one.

Sara tells us she was surprised her loser daughter Isabella won then says they have their “mother-daughter moments.” Save some of those winnings for therapy, Sara. During the last interview, Sara yells at Isabella and says if she doesn’t stop it she’s going to send her out of the room. Nice. Isabella blows a kiss to anyone who will love her.

Next week? Talent includes pizza tossing – now we’re getting to the real Ultimate Supreme Deep Dish. It’s about damn time.