Toddlers & Tiaras: Chitlin’ Strut: Pigs Intestines as Beauty Pageant

Gasmii, what can I say? This week’s Toddlers & Tiara’s pageant is the Chitlin’ Strut and I actually had to pay $2 to download this heinousness from iTunes to get some pictures for you, that is just how much I love you. What they don’t picture are the actual chitlins, which according to Wikipedia are the intestines and rectum of a pig that are formally called “Chitterlings” as if that makes it any more appetizing to eat! PEOPLE EAT PIG RECTUMS. Well, mostly in the south, so I guess we can blame it on the inbreeding. Would it have really been so bad to let the south cede from the Union? WOULD IT?

This recap is practically going to write itself!

This pageant takes place in South Carolina which I love because I’ve vacationed there and it is just a wonderful place to visit, especially Charleston. This event takes place in Salley, South Carolina, to raise money for the town and “to bring us together to celebrate chitlins,” say the pageant director Courtney Hightower. Do those really need to be celebrated or should they just be relegated to the “do not eat” list at the cardiologist’s office? I mean, I live in an area where the marathon is named after flying pigs, but we sure as hell don’t run through their rectums for God’s sake.

Mmmm…looks…like afterbirth.

“It’s not a rule that if you win you have to eat chitlins, but in my opinion, I think it should be,” Courtney says. Yeah, I’m going to need to see one of these “three feet long pig intestines” hurdling down your throat before I’d put a kid up to eating them. Hope you don’t gag easily!

Chitlins masquerading as calamari. You almost had me.

The Chitlin’ Strut pageant is a “stepping stone” to other pageants, most famous being the Haggis Haul in Scotland and the Bangers and Mash Rave in Ireland. Why, why, why can’t these kids be learning multiplication table instead?

I’m not expert, but I would recommend
packing only one of those chins for the pageant.

In West Columbia, South Carolina Madison, 11, is picking out a dress for the pageant. I would have guessed she was about 16 because she’s pretty well spoken and just has an older looking face. She also has gorgeous red hair but I’m noticing yet again a Spanx issue and I’m starting to wonder if the thin people are becoming an anomaly in pageants. “I love being onstage,” she says. I love honking at slow drivers, so we’re almost twins! Now get out of my way!

Rebecca, Madison’s mother tells us that Madison won Chitlin’ Strut last year and she’s “gonna win it again this year.” Don’t bet the house, sister. She and Madison are looking through all the dresses and decide upon a mint-green number that yes, once again grabs my attention because it sparkles…sparkles…sparkles. I’m sorry, where were we?

“Last year, it was disappointing for me to win, because I was the only one in my category,” Madison says. So, she didn’t so much win as default into being the winner. Also, looks like she wore the same dress so she might consider the purple one instead. That’s a good prosperity feng shui color, just go with it! “This year, I feel a lot better about it because there will be other girls in the category.” We’ll see how much better you feel when you have your ass handed to you in about 42 minutes.

Don’t want her walking like a hooker?
Don’t buy her hooker shoes!

Her mother tells Madison isn’t the typical pageant girl because she’s larger and more mature for her age. She also can’t walk worth crap in those clear, plastic high heels. Just bind your feet honey, that’s how the rest of us do it. He mother tells her to stomp clomping because she doesn’t want to sound “like a working girl.” I hope she means prostitutes and not career women. It is the south, you know.

To teach Madison to walk in her new shoes, Rebecca makes her vacuum the house in the shoes. To show her how easy it is, her little brother dons some heels and shows her. Maybe he should be in the pageant instead, he does have a cutesy walk he’s perfecting.

Still in West Columbia, we meet Tia and her daughter Aubrey, 10. Aubrey has been in 100 pageants which holy crap, that’s a lot of entry fees. “A lot goes into these pageants,” Tia says, “It’s not just the day of the pageant, you start getting ready a week before them.” Just like the Olympics!

Cute kid…AWESOME HUGE CROWN behind her. I must have it.

In Lexington, South Carolina, we are introduced to the Kayleigh of this episode (sort of), Allie, age 7 who wears glasses. Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses…but it depends on their frames! Her mother Joy tells us she’s a drama queen, but compared to Marleigh she’s a saint! Allie learned to be in pageants by watching her mother’s pageant videos. Oh crap. Two years ago she won 2nd chitlin and last year she’s was first chitlin, so hopefully she’ll be Queen Chitlin this year. A girl’s gotta dream, right?

Glasses? Missing teeth? My money is on this little filly!

Her first pageant included light makeup, home-curled hair, barrettes, and a “$20 dress I bought from The Internet,” her mom tells us. Joy, “The Internet” is not a store, it’s a series of tubes through which information runs, and you buy from stores at the end of those tubes. It’s going to take off like hotcakes once people catch on!

Cutest tiara ever! If I had nuts, I would totally give one to have this.

Over at Aubrey’s, her “stylist” has come by to “tan” her and do her eyebrows. Basically, Avon lady is going to hose her in bronzer, and hose she does! “Aubrey is my pet pea,” she says, and initially I thought she said “pet peeve” which would have been more hilarious and less sweet, which I prefer. She starts doing something to her eyebrows – using some kind of razor to take off the hair under her brows. Maybe a Sham-Brow? She says it doesn’t hurt then Aubrey twitches and it knicks her like a paper cut. Dumbass.

Are you getting this, camera guy?

The stylist begins to spray her and a huge blotch of orange goes on her shoulder. Jesus, woman, you aren’t graffiti-ing a billboard, use some nice even strokes on that kid. This better not show up on the bill. The tanning spray hurts the knick in her head and the stylist said Aubrey’s never been cut before. If this leads Aubrey to becoming a cutter when she’s a teenager, the lawyers can sort it out.

She’s not a New York subway for God’s sake!

Madison’s dad is involved with her pageants and asks her if she’s nervous about the upcoming weekend pageant. He says this all cost a lot of money which “does take away from Daddy’s golf money.” Don’t talk about yourself in 3rd person, please, but I feel your pain. Kids are a huge drain on your pocketbook. And soul.

Daddy’s dream pimpmobile for the golf course. Keep dreaming!

“Dad wants a new golf cart and these things have put a damper on dad’s golf game.” Did we not just discuss the third person thing? I have a great idea, dad, have Madison be your caddy and carry your clubs, and you’ve solved two problems: You don’t have to carry your clubs and she won’t have to carry that gut because the exercise will take care of it. Sound fair?

Allie’s dad interviews that he has been to every pageant she’s been in and increases the testosterone levels by bringing his two sons with him. I hope she goes to their soccer games or whatever, you know, just so they all feel the pain. Don’t make me like this family!

As an aside, does anyone find these M & M commercials with the sexy M & M unnerving? I mean, they are M & Ms. It’s so creepy to think of those things all mixed together in one big rainbow orgy in the bag. Horny little bastards.

Tia interviews that last year, Aubrey won the 7 to 9 year old division but this year she’ll be in the 10 to 12 year old division. That means going from the short dress to long dress. Really? Seems like as they get older you’d go shorter, otherwise how will they train for their Hooters job?

Aubrey and her mom are at a consignment shop to sell off one of the dresses she’s outgrown and see if there are any they want to buy. They should meet the expense accounts of the moms from previous episodes, you know, with the $800 and $2000 outfits for their little kids. Who would get the best perspective on this, I wonder?

Back at Allie’s house, her mother interviews that she was worried about the negative comments they might receive for putting Allie in pageants, and they even didn’t tell people about the first pageant they put her in. “I was just nervous that people were going to say rude things or make rude comments,” she says. “And we haven’t encountered any of that.” Clearly TVGasm is not on your “Favorites” list.

Beauty pageant or mahjong, this is quality time being spent together.

Rebecca interviews that she was surprised at all the prep that goes into getting ready for a pageant. They head over to the neighborhood salon called “Cindy’s Hair Haven” to practice on Madison’s hair. Her mother is going to be doing her hair at the competition and she wants to make sure she knows how to tease the hair the right way. Isn’t that genetically coded on every southern woman’s DNA? “My mother will either do it really, really pretty or it will be flat as soon as I get on stage,” Madison says. Uh-oh.

The last time we see fluffy hair. Poor Madison!

At Aubrey’s house, her mother is putting in some Crest Whitestrips and I feel Aubrey’s pain. Usually I feel it the next day because they make my teeth so sensitive, and I have to mush my mouth around like an elderly lady trying to keep my ill-fitting dentures in. (I get hotter with each recap, don’t I?) Aubrey hates the taste. Stop licking the strips! Also, how dirty can 10 year old teeth be? Unless she’s smoking a pack a day or something.

The sad thing? This is exactly what I look like on a Saturday night:
Crown and teeth whitener.

Over at the Salley Civic Center where the Chitlin’s are getting ready to cook (figuratively, I hope), Joy says she likes the pageant because they have time for rehearsal (amateurs!). They also have hay bales and flowers as decoration, and it looks really cute and down home and I’d love me some deep-friend pork intestines! No wait, I prefer mine in broth.

Give it up – you know this stage is adorable, pig pic and all!

Courtney interviews that they have 56 girls competing this year, which, really, how do these things pay for themselves? By the time you shell out money for the trophies and tiaras, there must be a deficit. Unless the pageants are FDIC-insured or something.

One of the judges interviews that these pageants are great for girls’ confidence. Unless the girl flat-out doesn’t win…or fat-out doesn’t win, I’m just preparing everyone.

Yet another selective event.

Aubrey does a nice job working the stage and now it’s Madison’s turn. Her mother talks her through the whole thing, saying, “I think the judges are of course looking for a girl who is pretty but who also has a good personality onstage.” And we all know what “Good personality” is code for: Future Recapper!

I know what you are thinking, but Joan Crawford
never would have worn a shirt this tacky.

Madison seems pretty comfortable in her clear plastic shoes now. I wish they had real goldfish in the heel, that would be awesome. “Now turn around,” her mother says. “I ALREADY DID,” she says. Miss Congenialty? Out the window.

Exactly!

Courtney interviews that girls come from all over to compete in the pageant. “Some come to spend a nice day with their mom and make new friends, and others come to show that no one can stop them!” probably by putting arsenic in the Vaseline they slide on their teeth so their smiles don’t stick. It’s a family event, remember.

Does it look like they came to make friends?

Oh, here it comes: Joy says that the day Allie says she’s tired of doing pageants, they’ll quit. If I had a dime for every time one of these wackos said that, I’d have fifty cents. Aubrey has a “pageant friend” over to help practice. Are they not friends outside the pageant circuit? What if I qualified my friends, like, “Here’s my rehab friend” and “here’s my tripping-old-people friend” and “here’s my kvetching-about-not-winning-a-Pulitzer” friend. That would be tiresome.

“If Madison wins this pageant, I will be so excited for her,” Rebecca says. You may want to wait to see the competition, it’s going to be tough. Perhaps you should look into golf carts for your hubby?

Aubrey’s coach, Tara is coming over to do her makeup. She’s also doing a kick-ass Anna Nicole Smith imitation too. I bet the judges love that! Turns out Tara is competing too and she’s nervous because she has something called “interview.” Oh Lord, I hope we get to see that! And if not, I hope they give out the number for that singles hotline where Tara works so we can hear her pontificate about hot times.

The poor man’s Anna Nicole Smith.

Tara is telling Aubrey that the pageant walk is a “Front T” and a “Prissy Walk,” and I’m wondering if there is some kind of playbook for pageants. And I hate prissy walks, they are soooo prissy. Aubrey doesn’t practice a lot, she just picks things up really easily. Tara is sure Aubrey will be Miss South Carolina some day. Yes, you will get paid with or without the suck-up comments.

At the pageant, Madison’s mom is putting gloss on her and telling her to throw out her gum before she gets onstage. Or now would be good for me, chompers. Then she says, “Baby, I wish we could get you some lips for Christmas.” Now, there are a lot of ways this next sentence could go, but instead I’m going to focus on how pageants help build girls’ confidence. Build away, moms, build away!

There’s that self-esteem! In the toilet!

Rebecca then tells us because they are so committed to Madison and the pageants, she’s actually picked up a second job to help pay for things. You know what else you could pay for? Mandarin Chinese lessons because baby, we will ALL need that in about 20 years. Plus, tiaras won’t get you as many jobs as being fluent in the language of our future overlords.

“I think Madison realizes the sacrifice I make for her to be able to do all of these pageants but I don’t know if she appreciates it yet,” Rebecca says. Wow, way to call your kid an ingrate on national TV, even if it is TLC. Perhaps you should encourage her to get a job babysitting or CADDYING for dad to help offset the costs?

Aubrey is getting fake eyelashes put on and the pageant director Courtney says she prefers a glitz over natural pageant because “it just goes to show how far a girl will go to show her beauty.” Given that these girls no longer look like themselves with all the GLITZ, I’m finding that comment about as hard to swallow as a chitlin.

Tara is putting on Aubrey’s makeup and says that when she was in her interview, she saw some girls who weren’t nice to her back in high school. “If you ever act that way to anyone,” she tells Aubrey, “I will cut your butt.” First of all, her butt already has a huge crack in it, and second, if you don’t want people being mean to you in high school, try toning down the Anna Nicole, mmmmkay?

One of the judges interviews that today she’s looking for a girl who is glamorous inside and out, and they show this little girl who is holding herself and doing the pee-pee dance. Glitzy! Turns out they have girls from Georgia, Alabama, and North Carolina to compete in this competition. It takes four states to get 56 girls to compete? Who the hell is doing your marketing, the intestines of a pig? Oh, wait, I think I may have found your problem.

Yes, you definitely give off the Glitz vibe, granola girl.

“It’s great to see a small town like Salley draw such a big crowd,” Courtney says. Has she never left Salley? Because 56 is not a huge group of people…even the Today show’s fourth hour gets more people standing outside the window than that, and it suuuuucks.

Rebecca is making sure Madison’s hair is as flat as possible because the concept of teasing seems to be out of her reach. She also forgot bobby pins which really, isn’t that the first thing you pack for a pageant right after the dress and a big shiv? They haven’t seen her competitors because they are having their hair and makeup done professionally so apparently they get a different backstage room…?

This will end in someone’s death, I can see it now.

Allie is yawning as her mother does her hair and says her grandmother, screen credited as “Big Momma,” is her biggest fan. Big Momma says, “As long as the Lord lets me live, I’ll be at all of her pageants.” How do you know it’s not Satan that is making you go to these things? That is pretty presumptuous of Big Momma to assume her Lord and Savior condones beauty pageants.

Are you at one of my budget meetings?

Hairspray-o-rama! Aubrey’s hair is being teased about 2 feet above her head and she has the face of pain to prove it. Madison’s mom is fluffing out her skirt and making Madison a nervous wreck. Calm down, you aren’t in charge of the economy! Madison gives her mother the stink eye. She’s only 11 so she’s got another 7 years to perfect that look.

Screw the bobby pins, did anyone bring scaffolding?

Aubrey’s mom is putting on her Cinderella shoes and once again the little girl in me totally and completely MUST HAVE THIS DRESS. Oh my God it is so ethereal and beautiful and gauzy and flowy and I must have it right now! NOW! This one is my favorite so far. Her hair is higher than a Phish fan and she looks like a total princess. Color me jealous!

Allie is in a peachy, off-the-shoulder rhinestone thing that looks really nice on her. Her hair is somewhat big and curly, and she looks adorable. Her mother is very normal for a pageant mom. Very disappointing for a recapper. Allie says she’s just going to try to do her best. What the hell kind of strategy is that for life?

Everyone is welcomed to the 2008 Chitlin’ Strut Beauty Pageant as the announcer whips intestines all over the crowd like a bucket of blood on Carrie. Just kidding, I think they are out back deep frying them in bacon grease.

Benjamin Button, left, is competing in the toddler bracket.

First up, the babies blowing kisses and probably farts. “Her favorite food is bananas and honey buns,” the announcer says. Are you sure those weren’t her dad’s favorite things? Next up, toddlers, and one of the girl’s wishes it to “play with the real Tinker Bell.” Oh Tink, your popularity never sinks! One toddler doesn’t know when her 15 minutes are up and has to be dragged offstage. And if I hear one more contestant’s favorite food is chicken nuggets, I will scream.

And speaking of adorable!

“Little Miss Sturkie enjoys a good cheeseburger every now and then,” the announcer says about a 5-to-6 year old contestant. “Little Miss Sturkie” would be an awesome pageant, wouldn’t it? Or a great band name. Here’s one whose ambition is to ride her bike without the training wheels. Aww, good to have a goal!

In the 7-to-9 year old bracket, contestant number 26 enjoys chick-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! PUT THE NUGGETS DOWN, GIRLS. Next up wants to be a dancer or circus performer/freak. Next likes pizza, but only cheese pizza. Well, at least she doesn’t add a chicken nugget topping. Finally…Allie is up and her family calmly cheers her on. Way to keep it real, family.

Allie walks about and does a really cute walk. Her dress is short and frilly and bounces when she walks. “She likes to dance competitively, sing karaoke, and play ball with her brothers in the back yard.” Yes, but does she like chicken nuggets? Inquiring minds want to know!

Her dress reminds me of fluffy carnations!

Aubrey interviews that she was nervous when she Madison in her dress but that she’s “ready for the pageant.” Why? I mean, Madison looks very nice, but Aubrey is going to kick some pageant ass. First up in this group is Aubrey and she looks stunning in that dress and again, someone please send me a version for an adult! “She enjoys ice cream…ice cream…and ice cream,” the announcer says. Again, a kid I can totally get behind. “Aubrey’s one wish is for everyone else’s wish to come true.” Okay, she’s lost me. Always wish for more wishes. Duh.

I will kick your pre-teen ass for this dress, it rules my world!

Aubrey’s Uncle Chad says, “When Aubrey’s onstage, I think she’s gorgeous. I mean, she looks a lot older than she should, but she’s gorgeous.” Someone keep an eye on Uncle Chad, he is creeping the hell out of me. Doesn’t help that they interviewed him in front of some very dated paneling, either. Where is Dateline when you need it?

I don’t care how pretty you think she is,
just keep your court-ordered 50 yards away from her.

And here comes Madison who enjoys dance, shopping, and texting her friends. In Mandarin? The green color looks great with her hair and skin and she really is a pretty girl. She says onstage she felt very confident and happy her family was there to support her. Her mother says she’s got tough competition (and how!) but she did well.

Mom was right, the green looked great!
Doesn’t mean you have to tell her, though.

Coming up next is the sportswear competition. Courtney says, “The positive aspects of the pageant world are that a lot of young ladies will get self-esteem from competing [high or low?], they learn the value of friendship and loyalty [and how to cut their competition like they are in an episode of Oz], and they also have a better self-confidence about theirselves [sic]” which is the same thing as the first one except with worse grammar. Nice going, public schools of South Carolina!

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Madison has chosen a really unfortunately ensemble for sportswear that does nothing but make her look like a huge ice cream cone. She’s wearing stirrup pants (never a good move ladies, unless they are sports-related and you are on mile 5 of a 10K) and a blousey knit shirt that has a large band of fabric that hits…well, in the thigh area until her mother pulls it up and blouses it all around and it seriously does nothing but make her look huge. I expected Stacy London and Clinton Kelly to burst through the wall like Kool-Aid to save this poor girl.

Oh, NOOOO!

Madison and her mother have a little go-around about wearing the leggings because Madison wants to pull the shirt down like a dress and not wear the leggings. Her mother reminds her that her legs are not spray-tanned like the rest of her (you must be kidding, girl is as white as Casper), and it will look funny. Welcome to my summers, Madison. Mom wins.

Aubrey is dressed pretty much to go clubbing after the pageant and I say good for you, I know Paris is looking for a new best friend. She is wearing a sequined top, bolero jacket, and metallic silver pants. But then – catastrophe! She’s lost “another” nail. Hope it was in the potato salad and not the chitlin’s!

Get back to Russia, you commie!

Here we go…babies, toddlers, small humans blowing kisses to the audience. You work it, kiddies! Contestant number 14 shakes it back and forth, then rips off her skirt to reveal an American flag underneath that she whips around. Better not let Congress see that or you’ll be in for an expensive investigation and legislation against your skirt-waving! Contestant 21 comes out and I’m pretty sure it’s Jenny from the Block and she is going to kick ass and take names. Verrrrry ladylike!

She scares the crap out of me.

Next up – Allie’s bracket. She bounces out onstage in a really cute outfit and cap and she worked the stage. This kid is a total cutie. Her mom is pleased with how confident Allie is on stage.

This kid is just too damn happy, what’s up with that, a good childhood?

Finally, the 10 to 12 year olds! Here comes Aubrey Chitlin’ Struttin’ her stuff. She might make a good Mouseketeer although the prissy walk has to go. Very glam, though. Her mother is hoping they win. You will.

Clubbin’ clubbin’ clubbin’ !

Madison heads out and her family cheers for her although her brother looks comatose. “When my husband and I saw Madison onstage, we realized the other girls in her category had coaches because of how they walk and the know how to turn their head. We probably should really get her a coach because it puts her at a disadvantage.” Enjoy your third job, lady!

Clippin’ coupons, clippin’ clippin’ !

“When I think about my golf cart,” her dad says, “I’m willing to give that up for my daughter to look as good as she does.” Well, she’d better start placing in these pageants otherwise dad is going to start getting resentful of you wearing his golf cart money, bury his emotions, then have a heart attack and die.

Luckily these judges are using calculators to tabulate their points so we don’t have another Little Miss Georgia Spirit scandal (they just don’t want to have to come back to Salley to crown a different girl!). Who will win?

The girls have to change back into their gowns which begs the question, why not do the sportswear first, then the gowns so the girls only have to be in them once? Also, cuts the pageant time down so the judges can go drink. Am I the only one thinking ahead here?

Okay, seriously, what is wrong with this 18 Kids and Counting family? Do we need to impose a one-child policy for stupid people? How about a no child policy for stupid people? Am I the only one that found the movie Children of Men refreshing because it was a society void of children? Imagine it, people…dinner out with no crying, screaming, or cracker flotsam under the table. Ahhhhh.

The announcer is revving everyone up for the crowning, and I have to admit, he’s really good and not at all creepy. Good for you, guy. Call me later! I’ll wear the Cinderella dress!

Okay – babies winning, toddlers winning, don’t poke your eye out with the trophy, don’t fear the crowner! Does everyone get a crown? I may sign up just to get one.

Here we go, Allie’s group. Come on, Allie with the semi-normal family! Allie wins Most Photogenic! Guess she chose the right photo to send in. She also wins Best Hair! The Chitlin’ Strut beauty winner? ALLIE! Big Momma jumps up so fast she almost leaves her pacemaker in her chair. Allie interviews, “My crown is really sparkly.” I’m with you, honey, I’m with you. “I’m glad I won it because I did my best.” Who knew that kind of strategy could pay off?

Did hard work just pay off? Nonsense! And? Sparkly!

Now, in the heated 10 to 12 year old competition. Rebecca interviews that Madison has as good a chance as anyone to win, which leads me to believe she’s been at the bar in the lobby this whole time. Not that Madison isn’t cute, it’s just that the other girls smoked her like she was a pile of chitlin’s. Plus, her hair is flat. Thanks, mom.

Most Photogenic? Aubrey! Best Eyes? Aubrey! Best Dress? Threepeat – Aubrey! Sportswear? Aubrey! Best Hair? Aubrey! Madison’s little brother interviews that she should have won Best Hair. “That was ridiculous,” he spats. Dude, you’re four. It’s “ridonkulous.” So much anger and venom for a kid.

Dude, she’s my sister, of course I bet against her.

Overall Beauty? Third runner up…Madison. Which since it’s out of four means she came in last. Just like she did last year when she won when competing against NO ONE. Her mother says it’s good for her not to win because it makes her stronger…yes, we’re all about the self-esteem which since she came in last should be riding sky high right now. Second/third runners up…other girls…which means our girl Aubrey won! Way to win the Chitlin’ Strut Queen.

Seriously, where are we on me getting this crown on the weekends?

Madison interviews that she thought “someone standing very close to me” should have gotten Best Hair, but that’s how the bobby pins fall, sister. She was upset and says next year she’s going to try harder. She really is a pretty girl but it is hard to compete with kids who are getting professional training (apparently).

Not hiding the pain too well. Welcome to puberty, it sucks!

Courtney says that Aubrey is going to be someone we watch out for in the future. Aubrey says she’s glad she won because it makes her feel beautiful. Get into the chess club so you can also feel smart. “I’m just one step closer to being Miss South Carolina,” she says. Yes, then you can become Miss America, then play an evil editor on Ugly Bettina: The Grandchild Years. That’s the real prize!