Toddlers & Tiaras: My Old Kentucky Throw-Down

Well, not really. We open this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with pageant director Aimee Adkins telling us that the girls in this “Southern Celebrity Pageant” being held in Kentucky compete full-glitz and all-natural. That sounds fair. “We’re trying to make dreams come true one crown at a time,” she says. How about one health insurance policy at a time? Costs about the same and the families could probably use it!

Get used to this, viewers.

The table at the pageant is covered in pink – pink table clothes, pink ribbons, pink trophies, and lots of tiaras, and I can’t help wonder if I should start competing if for no other reason than for the shiny stuff. Aimee tells us she’s nervous about this pageant because she’s never had this many contestants, which, by the way, turns out to be 50. I guess that is like running a Miss America pageant, minus Puerto Rico or DC or both (not sure how that works). Although it’s not televised and doesn’t involve a Trump, so that does take the stress down a notch, you’d think.

Just as choosey as Moms with Jiff!

Also? This pageant is going to be held in a school gymnasium. What happened to the hotel meeting rooms of previous times? Meh! Over in Jodie, West Virginia, we meet Kaleigha Reynolds (I know, what ever happened to names like Jane, Mary, and Dakota?), age 4, totally and reprehensibly bratty. Her mother Lauren put Kaleigha in her first pageant when she was a baby. “I was on a website, before she was born, and found a page that had pageant dresses,” she says. That happens to me, too, like when I’m checking TVgasm for new recaps and BOOM! Pageant dresses!

“I told my husband, ‘If we’re going to buy a pageant dress, we should see how she does in pageants,’ ” Lauren says, proudly. Or you could consider buying a college sweatshirt to see how she’ll do in a Girls Gone Wild video. Kaleigha has a collection of crowns that I would seriously steal from her while she was napping. Her mother tells us that she has a great personality. I would agree if we switched “great” to “bitch-ass nasty.”

Tiara or waste basket? Can’t it be both?

Over in Williamson, West Virginia (the pageant is in eastern Kentucky, hence all the entries from West Virginia), we meet Holly who interviews while wearing a tiara of star shapes! That would be perfect for like a sales meeting or something. Holly is seven and she tells us she’s going to win the pageant this weekend. I like that confidence!

First of all, adorable. Second, the tiara rocks!

Holly’s mom Jessica interviews that Holly has never lost a pageant. Damn! That kid must be good! Or mom is greasing the judges with a few Euros. Jessica says Holly used to have bad self-esteem because people used to make fun of her and tell her she was ugly. Who the hell would tell that kid that? She is adorable! Also, she’s 7 so are kids just getting meaner earlier or are the adults just a bunch of asses!

“When I grow up I want to be Miss USA…and also, a doctor, and a preacher,” Holly says. I just want my soul back. Her room is decorated with all of her ribbons and crowns and trophies. Just like my room isn’t. Again, this kid is cute, so I’d like to meet the person that thought she was ugly. I’d kick some serious, serious ass.

Finally, in Sissonville, West Virginia (no one from Kentucky is profiled? Suckahs!), we meet another cutie patootie that I have to root for because she’s missing both front teeth, Jadyn age 6. She has a ton of ribbons, trophies, and crowns, and damn her room looks good too! “My favorites are crowns, because they’ve got diamonds all over them,” she says. Preaching to the choir, kid! Shiny!

Stuffed animals and no teeth! It’s like she’s normal!

Angie, Jadyn’s grandmother says that she was more excited about the pageants than Jadyn’s mother. “At first I was like EHN! because I thought pageants were for people who were so crazy,” she says. Well, there are different levels of crazy. After they did their first pageant, Jadyn liked it and “people weren’t that crazy.” So they were crazy, just not crazy like you expected, crazy in a familiar-to-you kind of way. Super!

Look in the mirror when you do that next time!

Back over at Holly’s her mother says preparing for the pageants takes a lot of time because you have to pick out your clothes. Welcome to my Mondays. Holly is picky about her clothes and interviews that if she could wear pageant clothes every day, she would. I would too, that would be so much fun but probably frightening for people where I do my grocery shopping.

I could live in all that ruffledge!

Paula, Jessica’s sister, stops by with casual wear. She is also the mother of Michaela, age 2, who also likes to compete in ALL pageants except for this one, as we will soon find out. “The one thing I think is so great about these pageants,” Paula says, “is that they are a family event.” They show Holly’s grandfather and grandmother playing with the kids. “We’re all there together supporting these girls.” Well, yes, you are supporting them and I’d hope you’d do the same at a spelling bee too.

Hand that man the Supreme title right now!

Holly’s grandfather shows her how to sashay and it’s really cute. He should enter! Turns out he used to work in the coal mines and buddy, my hat’s off to you. I get claustrophobic when Target is too busy, so for you to be working your whole life underground is amazing. I just cannot imagine how hard that life must be. He says he’s been retired since 1995 and he gets to spend more time with his grandkids than he did with his kids. Now there’s a grandpa you can really get behind, huh?

Back over at Kayleigha’s house of horrible children, Kayleigh looks in the mirror and says she looks “fabulous.” They all laugh because isn’t that cute, but rest assured it won’t be in about 10 insufferable years. Kayleigha’s “best friend” besides the mirror is Makayla, who wants nothing to do with the icky makeup Kayleigh is currently ingesting. Her mom, Dawn, says Kayleigh and Lauren got them hooked on pageants. Just like the meth? Kayleigha and Makayla look like they may have the same daddy, huh Big Love. They will be competing against each other in the upcoming pageant.

Over at Holly’s house, family friend Danika (seriously, WTF people?) has stopped by to apply Holly’s tan but first, she must shave Holly’s legs. How do I get a family friend to do that for me? That seems a little creepy for a 7 year old, but it turns out the tanner goes on better if there’s no hair. I will not be testing that concept even though in the dead of winter I probably could.

What is wrong with this picture?
If you answered EVERYTHING, you are correct.

Paula disagrees with Jessica letting Holly shave her legs for the pageant. In fact, Paula seems a little more than irked about this. I agree, but she ain’t your kid and she ain’t mine, so let’s just let it go. Holly tells a horrifying story about how some girl didn’t shave her legs and used tanner and her legs were green and her body was orange. Just like Paris Hilton!

Jadyn interviews that she lives with her mother, grandmother, and grandfather. Danielle interviews that she’s a single parent with a very busy schedule, but luckily she has the support of her parents. That means “money,” by the way. Jadyn’s grandmother is a wiz with the glue gun, rhinestones, and sequins. She rocks! Angie says the thing that makes her sick at the pageants is seeing parents who don’t look like they have “a penny to their name” but the kids are wearing really expensive outfits. I bet that happens a lot, too, like kids are their little lottery tickets out of the double-wide.

Another Whatever, Martha! segment candidate.

Now Holly is over at the salon getting her fake nails put on (those will RUIN your real ones honey!) and the manicurist tells her that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. So are birth control and a college degree, sweetheard. “Of course, I haven’t let The Man know how much it costs, so…he really doesn’t have a clue.” Just like The Man doesn’t let you know about the stripper he’s currently seeing. See how that works? The Man is really busy.

I don’t condone child abuse, but I understand it.

Over at Kayleigha’s house, her dad, Charles Barkley, says he’s very proud of her. Hope he can keep her away from The Man. “I’m as proud of her as if she were in the NBA shooting Kobe.” He may have said “with Kobe,” but you know how rough the NBA is getting. “This sport is more competitive than football or baseball, because you’re dealing with a whole bunch of women.” I would be totally pissed at him if that weren’t true.

Man, my life has gone down the shitter
since I left the Suns.

Kayleigha’s mom tells us that since her daughter is only 4, her attention span is too short to practice. You know what else is the problem? Your kid is a bit of a brat. You may consider Dr. Spock-ing her ass once in a while, and if that doesn’t work, try Mr. Spock’s Vulcan nerve pinch.

Exactly!

Now Holly is at the salon getting her roots done (I feel your pain, I’m a bit overdue myself, except sadly my roots come in more gray now, dammit!). Paula bitches about Jessica letting Holly get her hair colored too. I get it – she is only 7 and they are probably burning her hair off, but again, not your kid. Also, Paula, wouldn’t kill you to stop by a salon as mousey is not a good color on anyone.

Holly likes having her hair highlighted (alliteration! Shout out to my high school English teacher Barb!) because Hannah Montana does it and when she grows up she wants to be just like her. Just try not being like her in “acting skills” or in that o-tannenbaum dress she wore to the Oscars, m’kay?

I’d expect this from someone in Jersey!

Danielle is rolling Jadyn’s hair so she can wear it up, and interviews that she doesn’t like all the fakeness of these pageants. Then she should probably consider a new hobby because it is just going to get worse as Jadyn gets older. She doesn’t like the teeth or tanning, but she does use the hair pieces and eyelashes. So she only half dislikes the fakeness. Jadyn says, “I’m a natural beauty and I’m perfect just the way I am.” I enjoy your confidence, but you may need to dial down the hubris a scooch.

The Hokey Pokey is not the best idea for the talent portion.

Finally! We are in the hot metropolis of Inez, Kentucky for the pageant. In Kayleigha’s room, her dad is singing a song to her and she attempts to shut him up by spraying him with hairspray or mace – I can’t tell. “In your face, daddy!” Where the hell does a four year old pick up something like that? As if we don’t know. “That’s not nice, that’s terrible,” her dad says, and she replies, “Don’t get angry now.” No one like Charles Barkley angry, that’s for damn sure.

Lauren interviews that they do use a few different hairpieces on Kayleigha. They should also consider a muzzle. Because Kayleigha’s hair is so curly, it takes to long to flatiron out, so they flatiron in until she starts bitching, then add the hairpieces. The hairpiece is actually called a wiglet. Yes, that makes it much cuter.

That’s SOME wiglet!

Kayleigha wants to flatiron her own hair, which at the age and dexterity of four is going to pose some problems. Her father says, “Let her burn her big forehead,” which rude, but Kayleigha one-ups him by screaming, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I said SHUT UP!” I totally would have whopped some ass on that kid. Her dad says, “That kid’s terrible.” Interested in taking responsibility for any of that terror?

Putting her in front of a mirror just doubles the brattiness.

“Our goal with the celebrity pageants,” Aimee says, “is to make everyone walk out feeling like a winner.” People, if I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: EVERYONE CANNOT BE A WINNER. This is why kids feel so entitled nowadays, because everyone’s feelings have to be considered and it’s appreciation day EVERY DAY. Let me assure you, there are winners and losers and sometimes you’re one and sometimes you are the other. That’s just how it goes. It sucks, but it also makes you more interesting in the long run, trust me on this one. Also? Aimee needs some bangs.

Kill me now.

“The hardest thing about being a pageant director is knowing at the end of the day somebody’s not happy,” she says. Oh cry me a big fat river. “Sometimes they’ll let you know that. In a very public way.” That is why you should have security at these things, so someone has a taser for unruly parents. I’d attend these just at the chance of seeing a parent tased and confused!

I would think the saddest thing is
that you have a degree from M.I.T. in biomechanical engineering
and yet you do this, but who am I to talk?

Danielle interviews that she thinks Jadyn has a good chance at winning this pageant and I would agree, she’s adorable except for that little slice of arrogance we snacked on earlier. Her worry is that the judges will only be looking for the high-glitz and not the natural. She says this while we see granny slapping fake fingernails on her granddaughter.

Over at the judging table, we have two women from Louisville who were invited so they wouldn’t know anyone at the pageant. I guess there are some “familiarity” issues like there were during my 6th grade cheerleader tryouts where the gym teachers were the judges and they picked their favorite kids. I was robbed! Unfortunately, these two women are managers of a tanning salon in Louisville, so I’m guessing they’ll favor the tanner kids over the albinos. Just like those damn cheerleader tryouts! Oh, and there is a guy at the table who isn’t officially creepy, but he is a guy judging a child beauty pageant, so by default there’s something icky about him.

Kayleigha is getting her makeup caked on and she’s fussing like a two year old (and she’s four). She makes a grouchy face and I want to spank her! With a brick! Over in Holly’s corner it looks like a team of experts are applying all of her glitz and glamour. She says, “Okay, here’s the facials I’m going to do,” and at first I was like, you are already made up, why are you going for facials? You’ll ruin that beautiful skin! But it turns out they call facial expressions facials. Seriously, you may consider a speech class for this kid too…she speaks English but they have to subtitle everything she says. (Did anyone else notice that – a lot of people in this were subtitled despite the fact they all speak some sort of English. It’s not Nell for God’s sake).

Editors, she does speak English, just not correctly!

Jadyn is getting her natural eyelashes attached to her eyelids and Aimee says Jadyn has really blossomed in these pageants. Yes, but can blossoming win you a competition? Spoiler alert: No. Sorry, should have given you more of a warning.

Back over with Holly, her little cousin who is competing in the 2-year old category is clearly suffering from St. Vitus’ Dance. I don’t think that wins you many points. Dawn interviews that the little one woke up at 3am (prostate problems?), then slept on the way to the pageant, and she’s going to try to get her down for “one more little nappy” before the pageant so she won’t be too cranky. Too late. Try putting a nappy over her face!

Save me Jeebus!

Dawn is attempting to put her kid in the pageant dress, then enlists the help of a team of moms who cannot get that squirrelly little monkey in the dress. Unlike the mother of the brat from a couple of episodes ago, Dawn says, “It ain’t worth it,” and takes the kid into the bathroom to calm her down (which works). So when mother says they will quit when their kid says no, take note: THIS IS THE KID SAYING NO. Good for Dawn! More importantly? Good for US because we don’t have to hear that brat whine the rest of the show.

Giving your kid a swirly is not going to help the situation.

Dawn interviews that she’s too tired to do the show, and she promised she wouldn’t force her. Then she breaks down crying and says she doesn’t want to interview anymore. She’s probably thinking of the non-refundable entrance fee and the fact that the dress they picked out won’t fit much longer! Dang! Should have shaved your 2-year old’s legs!

Wow, they totally used up all their decorating budget at the dollar store.

The pageant begins! The announcer says something but no one can hear because gym acoustics suck. This is one of the worst stages we’ve seen – cinder block walls painted dark gray/black with some pick ribbons on it. Sad. Not sad? Some dads show up to walk their kids onto the stage. Good for you guys, we know you’d rather be fishing!

Down in front, please.

Oh goodie, Kaleigha is throwing a tantrum. She’s a real charmer, that one. “The most difficult part,” her mother says, “is keeping her in the mood.” I bet a paddle would do it! Or at least shut her up! Do four year olds still have soft spots on their heads? Draw a target and swing!

“She is very spoiled and not used to waiting.” The kid is four – now would be a GREAT time to teach her some manners. “GRRRR!” Kayleigha says. I wish the judges could see this! She starts swatting her mother with something and throws such a fit that they have to do her hair and makeup over. Or? They could pack her up and go home, leaving her at an abandoned rest stop.

Oh my God I hate this kid.

Charles Barkley has turned into Puffy and is keeping Kayleigha occupied by showing her the babies already onstage. All of them are throwing fits like she did, so that should really help things. What the hell is going on in Inez that the kids have gone psycho? I mean besides the fact they are being paraded around like dogs at Westminster?

I could be banging J-Lo right now.

Here comes Kayleigha! She prisses her way all over the stage and I want to smack her. This kid is a monster but knows when to turn it on. That’s kind of spooky. She blows kisses to everyone then storms offstage. Her mother greets her and high-fives her.

Way to channel Streisand, you little brat.

Danielle says she and Jadyn have never been to a pageant this big before and that she’s usually number 10 or 11 but now she’s 28. Life is like that! “I don’t feel overwhelmed but I feel the pressure,” she says, and all I notice is that there seems to be some kind of flea market situation behind her. Is there anything good?!?!?! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!

How much for that quilt behind you?

Holly’s grandfather is giving her a pep-talk, probably because The Man couldn’t be there today. Suddenly Jadyn shows up and asks if Holly wants to be her buddy. That’s needy! But actually it turns out that the girls are able to pick a buddy and at the end the buddies who have the most points win the Buddy Award. I wish they had one for co-workers, like the co-workers who are treated the worst at conferences should get the “We’re Going Over Our Per Diem to Spite You, So Suck It!” award. Not that I know what that’s like.

Holly already has a buddy so Jadyn is DEEENIED. No wait! You can have more than one buddy, so it works out. Holly’s mom is happy because even though they are competing against each other, they can still be friends. Or she’s just saying that for the camera.

Jadyn’s mother is concerned about the competition because there are more girls than Jadyn is used to competing with, and the competition is tough. Just wait until Jadyn joins us out here in the real world, she won’t believe her eyes. And there are fewer tiaras.

The only thing you have to fear…is fear of this pageant!

One of the girls in Jadyn’s group looks like a Barbie, the other looks and has the personality of a dishrag, there’s Holly, and Jadyn in a dress that is a gorgeous color that would totally go with my coloring. Sadly, it is a wee bit too small for me per usual.

I’d like to welcome you all…to Tiara Island!

Holly looks beautiful in her tangerine dream of a dress, but I prefer the long ones.

Looks like a tequila sunrise. Man, I’m thirsty!

Next up? The “Anything Goes” outfits of choice. That could mean anything and I’m not sure I’d let those kids choose. Jadyn’s grandmother accidentally pulled the elastic out of Jadyn’s skirt. Way to stay calm under pressure, dumbass.

When they said “Anything Goes,” I didn’t
realize that meant drunk, naked kids.

Lauren’s mother is looking forward to letting Kayleigha go wild onstage and I’m thinking that could end like the last Siegfried & Roy show. She is growling a lot.

Use your words, brat.

There are weird outfits, bathing suits (ick), and one baby who looks like the Gerber Chef. One kid is dressed like Frenchie from Grease and another kid comes out dressed like she was supposed to be dropped off at the Copa in Cuba circa 1954.

Johnny Ola suggested this place, but Old Man Roth
would never come down here with us.

Kayleigha goes out and does some kind of weird dance/scratching thing where I think she may have bedbugs or some kind of icky kid rash. Chicken pox! Now she’s shakin’ it like she means it! Now she’s strutting! Now she whipped something off and shakes her head. Enjoy the pole later in life!

Mange gets everywhere!

“Kayleigha’s personality really came through. People love her personality,” her mother interviews, as Kayleigha is screaming and pulling her mother away from the cameras. Her mother tells her to wait and Kayleigha says, “Why don’t you move it?” Oh my God, what a brat! Kick her! Lauren tries to interview again and Kayleigha goes all apeshit on her, pulls her away, screams, stomps until her mother gives into her and walks away from the camera. Maybe they need a good exorcist?

Jadyn’s grandmother says she thinks Jadyn’s outfit is going to stand out. Jadyn will be wearing a “pettiskirt” and the grandmother hasn’t seen that at any other pageant. We’ll see why in a minute.

Holly’s grandfather is telling her to think the phrase, “I know I can do it.” He’s a good grandfather. “My papa makes me feel good cause he says he knows I can do it.” This is the kind of thing that will make her a pretty good person when she grows up, having that kind of support from her family, especially a man in the family. This is a really great family no matter how much Paula needs highlights and lip gloss.

The girl with the dishrag personality comes onstage in jeans and a shirt and just spins around like she’s drunk. Either get her a coach or let her stay home to watch The Backyardigans because this is just embarrassing. Oh my God, she just stuck her butt out, turned, and stuck it out again. What the hell is going on at her house?

Can someone escort this girl back to the playground
from whence she came?

Okay, I’m not really sure about Holly’s outfit. It’s sort of Heidi meets waitress meets Good Ship Lollipop meets dominatrix. Well, at least her legs are shaved. She continues to identify with Hannah Montana, which, okay, better than Britney Spears, right? She struts around and honestly doesn’t look too comfortable. Her mother is proud of her. “You want to show them what kind of facials you did?” Was that the talent part of show, giving facials?

This is what happens when a fabric store explodes.

Here comes Jadyn and she’s the epitome of the “one-too-many-accessories” rule. Her skirt is full and fluffy, her shirt is sequined, her jacket is denim, she’s wearing a hat, boots, her ponytail is to the side, and she’s wearing too much lavender eye makeup. I think the skirt is too much like the dress portion of the pageant and the whole thing overwhelms her. I’m not saying I don’t like the fluff of the skirt, it’s just a lot with everything else. Poor grandma and her glue-gun addiction!

I believe she’s become her own generator.

Her mother says, “When she was onstage she was supposed to do a side-back-front step and she did a step-step-turn. I knew she made a mistake but no one else probably did.” No wonder she doesn’t think people at these things are crazy. In comparison to her, they AREN’T! Her grandmother things she will win best dressed and best outfit of choice. Keep dreamin’ Bedazzling Betty!

I said NO MORE STEP-STEP-TURN!

Crowning time! In each age group, there will be a princess, queen, and beauties. As we know, the best thing to get is the Supreme Pan Pizza title, which comes with one pound of tiara-shaped cheese. Don’t I wish!

“The ideal prize is the Supreme title,” pageant director Aimee says. “That means you have the high score.” Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn’t sure if it was like golf where low score wins or where you get bored so quickly you pack it up after the 9th hole and slam down a couple of gin and tonics.

Jadyn’s mother says, “We’d like the Grand Supreme, but we’ll accept Supreme, Queen, or Princess.” That’s awfully white of you, but what if she only wins as a Beauty? Will your throw down the sash and storm out? Fingers crossed it comes to that!

Wow, looks professional. Can you toss me a snot rag?

In the bratty category, Makayla wins Most Beautiful (she’s Bratty McNasty Kayleigha’s “friend”). Best Outfit of Choice – Kayleigha. Barf. Most Photogenic, Kayleigha! Coming back for Grand Supreme? Both Makayla and Kayleigha. I hope Makayla wins, that would be hilarious. Like most of us, the two girls don’t understand the concept of Grand Supreme Deep Dish, and storm over to their parents complaining they didn’t win trophies. The parents have to explain how special they are. Man, I hope Kayleigha’s scratching really was the pox, as in SMALL.

Bet I know who wins Bitchiest Little Twit, and I only missed it by one letter.

Next, the 6 to 7 year olds…Most Beautiful, Holly! Best Personality, Jadyn (that will haunt you in your twenties, by the way). Best Outfit of Choice, the Barbie Girl! Rut-roh, Grandma is pissed and says they got gypped on that decision because Jadyn looked the best. Only in your eyes, Grandma! Natural Photogenic Winner, Jadyn. Little Miss Princess, Jadyn! Wait, that means no Grand Poobah Supreme for Jadyn. That’s a bummer. Must be going to Holly.

It’s like a snake ball of ribbons, except for dishrag girl!

“Jadyn didn’t do as well as I thought,” her mom says, “but I wasn’t surprised.” Shh! She’s right next to you and can probably hear you! “The girls in her age group were very….good.” Meaning Jadyn was bad? Jesus mom, say this off-camera or how about never? That would be even better.

The only Supreme you’ll be taking home is courtesy of Pizza Hut.

Little Miss Celebrity Queen for that group? Holly! So…that means no Supreme Stuffed Crust for her? Yep – little miss Barbie gets to move on to the Supreme title. So…I guess they went for Super-Glitz over normal kid? Make notes to yourselves for next year, parents, and be sure to budget for silicone.

Holly’s mom and the shaver-lady are surprised she didn’t “overall” like she normally does, but Grandpa steps in as the voice of reason and says, “She did her best and that’s what counts.” Your damn right it does! Unless you can suck up more, but that works more in the business world than pageants I’m guessing.

You win! Which means you lose!
It’s pageant logic!

The Supreme Super Duper Everything Prize is up next…and the winner is….Kayleigha! Oh you have GOT to be shitting me. That kid is a monster! I wish they had interviews at this level, she would have been kicked out at sign-in. Her parents interview that she is really tired, and that brat begins to snore loudly so they can’t finish the interview. “Please stop,” her mother says. They start that interview over again, and Kayleigha whines, “I’m sleepy!” This is why God made smothering pillows.

I have to admit, she makes me condone child abuse.
Please can I punch this kid?

Danielle shows off how not crazy she is by complaining about how the other girls were “SOOOO FAKE.” At least you’re sportsmanlike in your losing win! “This is the first pageant we’ve been to that it’s been this bad.” Honey, do you watch this show? This was NOTHING compared to the other episodes. “I noticed a lot of spray tans today, a lot of thousand-dollar, TWO-thousand dollar dresses…” wahhhh! Those grapes taste soooo sour!

Holly says she’s going to try harder next time, and Dawn interviews she hopes her 2-year old doesn’t channel Satan at the next pageant so she can compete. Kayleigha’s mom interviews that they will keep doing pageants until she wants to stop, and methinks her dad is sort of over it. Hope his child support payments cover the entry fees when he finally does take off…IF you can find him. Jadyn, the cutie, ruins everything by saying, “I can’t wait to get this freakin’ dress off!” Uh…what? What did she just say? That’s recapper language, small fry! Her mother cracks up. Yes, that will be hilarious at school too. Luckily at this point my DVR cuts off. Phew.

I wish I had worn a condom.

Looks like we are in repeat mode this week at TLC, so I’ll see you in a couple!