Toddlers & Tiaras: Darling Divas and the Women Who Judge Them Harshly

Hello Gasmii! If you’ve been watching, and judging by the comments you have, you know most of our Toddlers & Tiaras have been south and west…Pennsylvania is as close as we’ve gotten to New England. But not this week, where the insanity of parading your child around like one of those 25-cent ridey-things (horse, boat, airplane) outside of the grocery stores continues. They always look like fun to ride, but the rides never last long enough and sometimes they just take your quarter and leave you hanging.

You know you’re in trouble when a
Pink Lady is running the pageant.

This one didn’t seem as crazy as some of the other ones, did it? Is the crazy more sophisticated in Brooklyn? Or does it just move faster when there is less of a drawl, so it just seems like we’re operating in a higher gear? Whatever it is, there sure were more flashing disco lights in this episode. Score!
The Darling Divas pageant has been around for three years, and this one is being hosted in a theater that holds 320 people, making it one of the biggest we’ve seen this season. That is going to be one damn long day. Their theme this year is Mardi Gras, and I’m wondering what the themes of the other ones were? Sad Gymnasium? Conference Room-A Party? Living Vicariously Through My Kid Day?

Mardi Gras theme involves costumes, and I’m praying that the kids DO NOT end up with a lot of beads if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Ick. This year’s pageant also includes a “Living Doll” competition where you dress up like your favorite living doll. OHMYGOD I call Barbie with the long hair (which should narrow it down). “Its going to be so fabulous!” says the pageant director. Well duh, dressing like Barbie usually is!

What do you expect from a New York Living Doll Competition?

In Brooklyn, we meet six-year-old Essence or “Essie” as her mother calls her (and I love their nail polish). She’s adorable. She says her favorite part of pageants is when she gets to model her favorite clothes. Essie, that doesn’t change as you get older. Janine, Essie’s mother, says her daughter “shines when she’s onstage.” Some dusting powder will fix that.

No fuss, no muss…just like kids should be!

Essie is practicing with her mother who gives us the typical spiel of how Essie is more self-confident, blah, blah, blah, then she throws “more calmed down, more focused,” into the mix. Well that’s new! And improved! She should mention that to Maverick’s mother! And maybe hand her a bottle of Ritalin.

In Montville, New Jersey, the Garden State/Most Made Fun of State, we meet four-year-old Paige who is oh-my-gosh adorable. She and her brothers are playing pageant (what?) and she’s just won the pageant! She looks a little stunned, mostly because I think they are in her living room, and she’s probably used to a better stage.

Hee hee hee…it’s like Polly Pocket has come to life!

“My name is Paige. I am a princess. I like love big crowns,” she says. What more is there to say? I completely understand this child. Stacie, her mother, says her daughter Paige “knows how to stand out in the crowd.” And when she doesn’t, mom does, as she shows up at their faux pageant dressed like Robin Hood. (Watch, she has an unusual attachment to this pair of lace-up boots).

She’s robbing them of the crowns to give them to the poor!

Paige enters about one pageant a month and usually wins the mini-supreme (for a late-night snack) and grand supreme (for Friday night dinners when you just don’t want to cook). The camera pans over a menagerie of trophies that look just like Superman’s house, just more colorful and less butt-chilling.

Jor-El is going to love what you’ve done with the place!

In Brentwood, New York, we meet six-year-old Kiannah who has total and complete wild-woman hair. It is insanely curly and fits her perfectly and she has an awesome smile. This is her first pageant so she and her mom aren’t drinking the Kool-Aid yet, but she does have an Aunt who is not just drinking the Kool-Aid, I’m pretty sure she’s mainlining it.

Your hair is insane and I love it!
Bottle it and sell it and retire young!

Kiannah’s mother Koreann decided to enter her into the pageant because it was something “different” for them to do. She says Kiannah is looking most forward to the living doll competition. Well, what little girl wouldn’t be? She loves hip-hop so she’s going to be a Sasha doll. I am so old, I have no idea what that it, but it sort of looks like a Bratz doll. Those things scare me because I know they would totally beat down on Malibu Barbie and Skipper, and probably whoop Ken’s ass just as a bonus.

And speaking of living dolls, Essie is being dressed up as Tina Turner, which…what? I’m all about Tina Turner and Proud Mary and “I’ve got my name!” when she left Ike in her dust, but she wasn’t ever a doll. Will this be our first disqualification on the pageant circuit?

Essie says she’s going to do a Tina Turner dance routine, “But I’m not going to fall on the floor like she does.” That wasn’t part of the routine, that’s what happened when Ike pushed her down. Her mother puts a wig on her and I gotta tell you, Essie’s got a pretty good pre-teen Tina going on there. Oops! Her hair flies off when she whips around. Better get that double-sided tape and some big-ass bobby pins.

Janine tells us that they’ve done both natural and glitz, but that they don’t go overboard on the glitz. “She is still just six years old,” Janine reminds us. I wait. And wait. For some crazy. That just doesn’t come. No buffing? No waxing? No tanning? Deeenied. “It just takes away from the beauty that I know everyone of those little girls has.” True, but where’s the fun in that, logical lady?

Back over in Joisey (say it out loud), Paige is practicing her turns, twists, and peek-a-boo-ing. This kid is so damn cute it is hard to believe – she’s so tiny I could put her in my pocket. But I won’t, because she is a messy kid and I wear nice clothes. Well, not right now. I’m wearing a fleece pullover and wiping my Lime Tostito’d fingers on it. Only because the dogs are too far away for me to wipe lime dust on them.

Seriously, wear it with pride. Or just wear it.

Stacie says, “Some people may call me a pageant mom.” Uh, because you have a pageant mom sticker on your car? “I just would ignore them,” she says. Why when you so clearly are proud of it? “She doesn’t tend to like to practice,” she says. NOBODY DOES, STACIE! She then holds up a gift while Paige practices and here’s where it’s kind of creepy.

First of all, Paige doesn’t like to practice so her mother gets her gifts to get her through them. That is going to make for one hell of an employee later on, huh? “Paige, I need that report on my desk by morning…Here’s a bottle of perfume to keep you going!” Second of all, she does this in front of her three other kids (2 boys and another girl). Third, she says that Paige also models, and her two sons do pageants and model too. And your fourth kid? Chirp-chirp. Chirp-chirp. What the hell? That poor girl. She must be the smart one.

Now bark like a dog!

Note to self and warning to others: lime chips followed by hazelnut coffee…not so tasty.

Koreann and Kiannah are going looking for their “beauty gown,” and truth is, I’m jealous. They’ve gone to a bridal salon which isn’t as glitzy as you might think. However, Kiannah’s Aunt/Godmother Sarah has just shot up with multi-berry Kool-Aid and is going to school everyone on the pageant circuit, even though she’s never been to one, competed in one, or finished watching one on TV. I believe her hoop earrings are used for tigers to jump through at the circus.

This episode’s answer to opinion NOBODY ASKED FOR!

Koreann keeps picking out communion dresses, saying they don’t need a lot of glitz. “Yes you do,” Godmother says. You have to have sparkle, how else will you get the judges’ attention? Kiannah walks out in the dress and basically looks like curtain sheers from 1963. Also, Godmother points out she doesn’t have any boobies to fill it out, so the dress looks horrible. Kiannah bursts into tears and head’s back to the dressing room. “You know how beauty hurts?” Godmother asks, “This pageant is going to hurt.” Uh, what?

Finally she comes out in a white dress with an ecru sash – very J. Crew bridal, and Godmother says, “That’s the one.” Yeah, it doesn’t have any glitz, glamour, sparkle, sequin, bedazzle, feathers, or lace. What is she, Amish? And how is it really different from the other one.

“That’s the dress that’s going to make us rich,” Godmother says. Why, will it predict the lottery numbers? Help you find an old rich guy? Lay golden eggs? And what do you mean “WE,” woman? I doubt your name is on the same checkbook. People, this woman is in charge of Essie’s religious upbringing in case something happens to her parents. Wear seatbelts and stop smoking, Essie’s parents!

You had me at “Tiara.”

The day before the pageant and the pageant director tells us set up takes a lot of work because “tomorrow, everyone will leave with something on their head.” Like a dunce cap? Well, good to see the fine people of Brooklyn are just as discerning with their awards as the south and west people are. I’d weep for the future, but none of them would pass me a tissue without a freakin’ participation award.

As an aside, this is one of the cooler tiaras we’ve seen. No moving parts or feathers, but it’s like a story and a half high and sparkly. You know I’m in if it is big and sparkly! That’s what she said.

Back in Brentwood, Godmother is questioning Koreann why she bought the dress at a wedding store and not a pageant store. Are there pageant stores? Also, wasn’t she the one that proclaimed that this was the dress that was going to make them rich? Did it only lay regular eggs once you got it home?

Point to the idiot. Point!

Godmother says, “If I were completely in charge of what’s going to go on in the pageant -” Let me stop you right there. You aren’t in charge of the pageant, the kids, or those earrings. “…that dress would be glitz from head to toe.” Seriously, Memento, weren’t you the one that approved the dress at the store?

Godmother says she’s glitz from head to toe every day (shiny is more what I would say), and Kiannah should be too. “She’s just like me!” Don’t let her hear that, she’ll kill herself. “If it were up to me, Kiannah would have a full hair weave. A FULL HAIRWEAVE.” Please go home, you have overstayed your welcome. “Her mother thinks she’s in charge. She has no idea.” She will when she sees the show and rescinds the Godmothership. Can you do that? I bet if you gave the Catholic Church enough moolah you could.

“Her mother keeps insisting, ‘I know what’s best,’ ” Godmother says. Yeah, mothers are like that when it comes to raising THEIR OWN KIDS. “But when it comes to being fabulous, I’M going to know what’s best.” Well, you certainly seem oblivious to being overbearing, obnoxious, and what it means to preen in front of the camera there, Fifteen Minutes. Kiannah says, “I’m siding with Mommy.” This isn’t Kiannah’s first witness to a fight between these two.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
And it also means I can order the caviar!

Paige is headed into Karma Salon & Spa dressed like Ali McGraw circa 1974. She looks totally hip and cool. She is here to see her stylist (it’s called SuperCuts, look into it), and her mother says she wants the caviar treatment again. “Paige’s hair was so shiny last time,” she says. That will happen when you schmear fish eggs all over your head. Stacie is there with the two boys but not the other girl. She must not be part of the family (I’m hoping, otherwise yikes).

Stacie tells Paige what caviar is and she asks if she can eat her hair. Well, let’s save hair chewing for when you finally start therapy. I wonder what the caviar treatment costs? Is Beluga more? A quick internet check reveals this treatment runs from $150 to $400 depending on how dumb you are. I’m sticking with mayo and plastic wrap, thanks. Oh man! She gets an ice pop at the end of the appointment! I need to speak to my stylist about this.

Hey, guess who’s back! Miss Margie from the Pennsylvania pageant! Girlfriend gets around the circuit, doesn’t she? Today she’s helping Essie learn some complicated routines. Miss Margie has been working with Essie for about a year and has her doing dances that would put some strippers to shame. No six-year-old girl should be shimmying that much or shaking it like that, and the feather boa doesn’t help. Oh, Miss Margie, what are you thinking? “Wiggle, wiggle,” she says. Christ. “I feel really confident that I practiced enough for this one,” Essie says. Stop being so erudite, you are a kid!

And thank you for showing why God invented Amber alerts.

Back over with Kiannah and Friends, her coach Patricia Patel is ready for practice. See, this is the other thing you don’t get too much of down south, a nice rainbow coalition of people involved in pageanting. Or at least on the pageant circuit we’ve seen. Kiannah’s hair is extra crazy today and you know as she gets older she’s going to hate it but all the other girls are going to be jealous of her wild curls.

Patricia says she’s working on beauty, but I would like to see Patricia’s credentials because Kiannah is walking weirdly – hands turned under and head cocked to the side. Not natural, comfortable, or appealing in any way. Hope Patricia got her payment in cash.

Dramatic! You’re hired!

Oh my God, they are putting Tina Turner’s head in a suitcase! Oh, for a split second I thought I had turned on Godfellas II: Mobs Gone Wild! but it’s actually the Tina Turner wig on the plastic head being shoved into the suitcase. Hope it doesn’t wrinkle!

Back at Paige’s, her mother continues to wear those hideous boots with every outfit, unless maybe they are actually her feet? Paige’s dad Mike shows up and says, “I’m Paige’s dad and doctor,” and suddenly I wonder if she’s a make-a-wish kid. Nope, he’s a chiropractor and she’s a make-a-wishbone kid! He adjusts her before every pageant and its sort of creepy seeing a guy crack a kid all over the place. I’m sorry, “adjust” a kid all over the place. I had a chiro who was very particular about the difference between an adjustment and a crack. A crack is the noise you make when he adjusts you. Doyee.

An adjustment AND a popsicle? Life is good!

Paige gets a “zone” adjustment, where he adjusts the “inner brain.” Oh Christ. It’s hard enough getting people to buy into chiropractors, but now you are adjusting the inner brain? Chiros, you are like mushrooms, people either love you or hate you, there’s no in-between. Besides, I think you are thinking of Chakras, and mine are not so much aligned as much as they are in a huge snake ball that is never going to unravel.

Pageant day! My favorite day next to payday! This pageant is both natural and glitz, which sort of doesn’t make sense and all it’s really going to do is point out how fakey the glitz girls look. Oddly enough, Paige is going natural which I wouldn’t have guessed from mom. But she’s allowed to wear a little makeup so the judges can see her better. Thank God!

Paige is going natural, can’t you tell?
Come on, she’s from Jersey, this IS natural.

Over in Kiannah’s corner, mom and Godmother are fighting over whether or not she’s wearing too much makeup and the conversation involves a lot of mature, IS NOTs and IS TOOs. Then we cut back to Paige getting spray-painted by her makeup artist. Natural!

Back to Godmother who says she’s not happy about Kiannah’s eyebrows. She’s not happy about her ponytail, either. “Did you even try it on before you got here?” She asks Kiannah’s mother. I would totally whip that cup of whatever she’s holding into Godmother’s face. The Godmother says, “Knock ‘em dead, kid,” after trashing all over Kiannah, and shoves Kiannah so hard Kiannah turns, gives her a hurt look, and rubs her arm. Does she beat up on everyone? I’m thinking single and staying that way, huh Godmother?

Is that cup full of shut the hell up?

How is the pageant divided up, you ask? Three and under are Diva Dolls, four to six are Tiny Divas, seven to nine are Petite Divas, ten to twelve are the Pre-Teen Divas (not very creative!), and the boys who are the Dashing Dons. Like Godfathers? Also, look who it is – is that Damien from Pittsburgh? Or his doppelganger, suit included. He’s so handsome!

The girls are all lining up and Janine says, “Don’t kick the dress, Essence.” Good advice all around. Koreann is nervous and trying to catch her breath. Stacie is giving last-minute advice to a very cute Paige. J’adore her hair. The pageant director says they are looking for more than just beauty, they are looking for personality and onstage presence. Just like Celebrity Apprentice but with less shame for the participants.

First up…wait, a young man is singing the Star Spangled Banner. Get back to America, you America-lover! Everyone applauds, now play ball! Hope he’s back for the 7th inning stretch song, I could use it today.

During the beauty competition, the kids have to come out, introduce themselves, and complete their beauty walk – don’t panic, not at the same time! Essence heads out onstage and totally kills with her introduction because she’s well-spoken and pretty. “In my six years, I’ve done many extraordinary things, such as chess team, dancing, gymnastics, soccer, ice skating, modeling, TV work, and of course, pageants.” Damn, I just aged six years listening to how busy you are! She looks beautiful and pretty natural. Her mother cries.

And that’s why I want to be President. I need a lighter schedule!

Over at the sound booth, Koreann is freaking out and handing the sound woman disks and she can’t remember which is which or what they are for or what year it is. It’s called labels, look into it. Just don’t get mad if things don’t go your way when Kiannah is onstage, mmm’kay?

I promise not to hate you if you botch up the music, I swear.

Godmother is back with words of wisdom. “Before, it was ‘You gotta win, you gotta win, or I’m going to choke you and I’m going to really be upset,’ ” she says. Who the hell is she quoting? That doesn’t sound like something Koreann would say. “As I’m seeing how everything goes, I never ever want to take part in pageants again.” Well, it’s hard to “take part” again when you haven’t really “done anything” for this one except kvetch. You’ll be “missed!” Dumbass.

Kiannah is up and okay, I’m going to give the ponytail to Godmother, it does look a little too big for her, like it’s an adult ponytail on a kid. She introduces herself then does that awkward prace around the stage with her hands curled under. Maybe Godmother binds her hands at night or something – very strange! Koreann says Kiannah got stuck in front of the judges “because the stage is different.” From what? The one you DON’T have at your house? “I expected better but I’ll take it,” she says. Did Kiannah say that when she came out of the womb?

I have to stand like this because
the pony tail is affecting my center of gravity.

Paige is up next and looks soooo cute with her hair in that 60s bouffant and that precious (you heard me) dress. Go Paige! Unfortunately, she gets rather stiff on stage – of course, she is four, and most adults couldn’t do this. But I’m wondering if maybe Stacie ought to wave a present or a jar of sturgeon in front of her to get her going.

I’m totally wearing my hair like this the next time I clean house.

Stacie hopes Paige “has that urban edge” the judges are looking for. Yes, when I think urban edge, I immediately think of bouffant and Oilily dresses. Stacie prances, jumps, makes faces and basically acts like a pageant mom to make sure Paige knows what to do onstage. Again, I’m sort of surprised Paige is so stiff, she seemed so comfortable winning crowns at home.

When she’s finished she runs offstage, her mother meets her and I didn’t realize how fluffy and ruffly her dress was – most excellent. “Here’s your surprise!” her mother says, handing HER A GIFT. Damn, stop bribing your kid, it sets a bad precedent for, you know, how things work in the REAL WORLD.

Next up? Mardi Gras! Oh, this is going to rock the house, I can feel it. These kits are all dressed up in costumes and masks and kids, the moms went nuts getting these things designed – probably more than they spent on the dresses.

How can you argue with poetry like that?

Koreann is getting Kiannah ready and tells her to stop rolling her belly because she can’t do that out on stage. “Want the judges to think you’re a hoochie?” Godmother asks. Koreann admonishes Godmother for using “that language” and to use a better choice of words. “Hoochie WAS the best choice of words,” Godmother says. Kiannah is learning very quickly and says to Godmother, “Zip it, lock it, and put it in your pocket.” HAHAHAHAHAHA! Kiannah just won my award, Grand Supreme of Kicking Ass! I can’t wait to use that line on my nieces.

There’s the crazy I was waiting for. Very satisfying. And spooky.

Hmm. Paige’s costume. How should I say this? It sucks. It’s awful. It’s supposed to look like she’s wearing a bikini top and it has that flesh-colored netting, but the netting is too dark for her skin and the outfit is too big, so basically it looks like she’s wearing a too-large sleeper over her petite frame. The flesh color looks like poo and I’m not sure what Carmen Miranda thing is going on with her hat. Where is dad? She needs the outer brain aligned but quick!

Godmother interviews (I bet she was EXHAUSTING to the production crew) that there are some great costumes and then “there are some costumes…that should have been left at home.” You mean like you? Then they cut over to footage of Paige and I realize I’m not the only one who things her costume is a flop, so do the editors. Validation!

Oh my God, some girl is dressed as a butterfly and she looks like she should be in Rio. That costume must span six or eight feet across! How is she standing up, wires? In fact, there are a lot of wide costumes. It’s like Mardi Gras on my TV and everyone in Brooklyn is invited!

HOLY…

…SHIT!

Paige comes out and stands there about as animated as that bowl of fruit on her head. Meaning she just sort of stood there, looked freaked, and turned around slowly. She’s doing the Macarena. How timeless! The judges should really look at Stacie, she has it down much better, and HER BOOTS make all the difference. She holds up a smiley face so Paige now knows to dial down the terror and smile.

HOLY…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Paige runs in to tell her stylist that her hat stayed on. “Praise Jesus!” the stylist says. Yes, I’m sure Jesus had nothing better to do today besides keep Paige’s hat on. Well, I guess with Easter over, he’s got some time on his hand from hiding all the eggs and biting the heads off of marshmallow chicks.

Kiannah comes out and gyrates around weirdly. She looks fine. Her mother says her costume’s a little small but she worked with what she had. Hold that thought in case Kiannah needs an after-school job at Hooters. Oh no! She rolled her belly! HOOCHIE!. “She did fine,” her mother says in dead tone. “She did her best.” Harumph!

The face of utter and devastating disappointment in one’s child.

Essence comes out dressed as sexy Big Bird and does some kind of chicken dance that was a little toooooo provocative. Nobody wants to see Big Bird sex it up, NOBODY. “Essence really wowed everyone as the sun princess,” her mother said. Nope, I’m still on Sexy Big Bird, sorry. “I am so proud of her.”

You’ll be hearing from the Sesame Street lawyers soon.

The pageant director interviews, “We’re halfway through the pageant and it’s going great!” She sways a little and I’m pretty sure she’s drunk. Probably has a scotch bottle taped to the underside of her desk (use Velcro instead – faster on and off!). She thinks Essence is really working the Brooklyn crowd, Kiannah is doing well, and Paige, well, “Paige is young.” Yee-ouch!

OHMYGODIAMSODRUNK!

Next up is the Living Doll competition. Essence’s mother says, “We don’t have a Tina Turner doll but we have the album cover.” Disqualified! Paige is dressed as Pippi Longstocking which oh my God used to be my favorite set of stories when I was in school. My teachers all used to read us those stories and I could not get enough. Someone asks the same question I was thinking: Is Pippi Longstocking a doll?

They begin with Essence and she heads out onstage as Tina, completely rocking out and the audience is rocking with her. Her mother says, “Shake it girl, shake it girl!” and I shake my head. I mean, the kid kicked it as Tina, but please, do not tell a six-year-old to shake it! That is so wrong on so many levels. How can she be Proud Mary when you tell her to shake it like Mary Magdalene?

Yep, just like Tina! Mary would be proud!

Next, the emcee announces Kenisha something-or-other, but in line is Kiannah. Godmother and Koreann are in the audience yelling (like the emcee should know this), “Kiannah Sobers. KIANNAH SOBERS!” Clearly there is a bit of a mistake, calm the hell down bizzitches. The emcee apologies, introduces Kiannah, but then someone backstage says, “No, it should be Kenisha, you were right!” Well, it’s a moral victory for the emcee, I’m sure mom/Godmother won’t see it that way, especially when they kick Kiannah offstage for Kenisha. Ouch. Oh my God, too many Ks!

Kenisha comes out and the music that starts playing is Kiannah’s. Heads are going to ROLL people, heads are going to ROLL. Koreann runs down to the sound booth and starts bitching and moaning and the sound people asked if it was okay for that little girl to use it SINCE SHE ALREADY WAS. “You know, I’m tired of the bickering,” Koreann says. “My daughter’s here to have fun.” Good thing, since you don’t seem to be having any. Too bad there weren’t any LABELS ON THE CDs.

I know we said no backsies,
but I totally hate you for botching the music.

Kiannah comes out and does her little hip-hop dance like her life depended on it. Koreann and Godmother are in the audience screaming and yelling and cheering like they are on a Bizarro World version of Cops. “WHOO! SMILE! WHOO!”

Looks like Kiannah survived the drama!
Kids are so resilient against bullshit.

Here comes Paige. I yawn. She just stands there. All of her energy must go to her mother who is scrambling all over the place to get Paige to move. She doesn’t look scared, but she doesn’t seem comfortable either, it’s hard to say what is going on. Maybe dad threw something out of alignment?

Wow. Leaning. Great.

Crowning is up next and Koreann sighs and says her daughter, “Is a winner in my book.” Well, I’m terribly sorry you don’t think your kid did well today, I’d like to see you out there onstage working it like she did.

Okay, what the HELL is this?

The pageant director tells us that each contestant, “leaves with at least two trophies and gifts in-hand, and everyone leaves with something on their head.” That is BULLSHIT. I mean, this is a competition. It doesn’t have to be mean, but there are winners and losers and that’s life so the sooner you learn it the sooner you will strive to do better. Where’s that bag of chips? I need to stress eat.

First award? Mardi Gras competition? Essence wins second place that she shares with another girl. “I was surprised at the audience’s reception of her for Mardi Gras,” her mother says. Did you enter her to build up her confidence because you seem to be very busy tearing her down…Geez Louise! First place winner? Kacey something-or-other.

Wow, looks like she’s loving life…I guess…sorta…

Living Doll competition…hope Paige doesn’t have her hopes up! Third place? Essence! Tina Turner always wins. Second place? Kiannah! First prize? Not Paige…Kacey something-or-other. “I wanna see the score sheets,” Paige’s stylist says and Stacie nods. People, please. Paige is adorable but she did not have the personality to win this today.

Should have worn more makeup, Godmother was right.

Miss Congeniality – your recapper! Ha, psych. Not our girls. Spirit Award? Kacey! Style Award? Essence! Miss Personality? Not our girls. Best Introduction? Not our girls. We cut over to Stacie and we can see her face has fallen somewhat (not literally). Beauty Winner? Paige! FINALLY.

“Her beauty score was very high, because she won beauty for her division,” Stacie says, stating the obvious, although I might question the “very” since we don’t see the score sheets. “I’m very proud of her.”
The Tiny Diva queen? Not our girls.

So let me get this straight, she won because of a high score?
Are you new to pageanting? That means she lost in her win! I think!

Essence looks sad because she doesn’t realize that losing means winning. I know, it’s so confusing. Her mother goes down to calm her down and tell her how losing means winning, down is up, and blue is green. She calms down with this new knowledge that is useful only in Pageant World.

Next award is “Director’s Choice,” which is when they look at girls who had good scores but hadn’t won anything yet, so basically it’s the Pity Award. The winner is………………..Kiannah! Koreann was talking over the category like a yakkety-yak, so she had no idea what the award was for. She was probably telling someone how her daughter failed her, but that she’s come to terms with it. Kiannah says, “This was the moment I was dreaming [of], and it came true.” Man, she’s sweet.

Next? Second Director’s Choice Award. How about Sophie’s Choice Award? I choose Godmother! So long, sucka! Paige wins! Stacie is vindicated. “Paige did great, she got the Director’s Choice which is fourth highest title in the pageant,” she says. Uh, I think the Director’s Choice isn’t really within the levels of winning, is it? It’s more like, “Well, we knew you weren’t going to get anything but we think you have potential, so good luck next year, the entry fee will be $1000, see you then!” Well, she is holding cash, so maybe I’m wrong. Hard to believe, but possible.

I knew that third bag of cheese puffs was a mistake.
Now I’ll be farting orange dust for a week!

Now it’s time for the Grand Supreme with Stuffed Crust. There will be Novice, Mini, and Grand Supreme. These are for the top, top scores, Pageant Director says. Good to know. Essence feels pretty confident.

I’d really rather be working on my M.I.T. dissertation.

Novice winner ages three to nine is a girl named Dawn with a very vivacious fan/dad/gay uncle who is loving her win. Mini-Supreme for Snacking ages three to nine is Essence! Score! She wins $200, a sash, a trophy, and most importantly, a crown. Her mother is proud.

Are you kissing my feet? You should be.

Your 2009 Ultimate Grand Supreme Winner is Kacey. Screams galore. Her mother says, “That’s my baby!” Yes, until we prove otherwise.

The emcee says that’s the end of the pageant. “Remember, Darling Diva’s pageant: When you are ready to let the diva inside you shine!” Yes, shine, Godmother, not reflect negative energy.

Wearing two crowns at ONCE? I never even considered that!

This was one long damn day. Kiannah says she wants to do pageants for 103 years. Does she know something the rest of us don’t? Fly some of that magic water down this way, sister. Godmother pops up and says that after this pageant, “She’ll be a little bit well-adjusted.” Okay, you can’t have it both ways. Either it’s a little bit or it’s well-adjusted, it can’t be both.

This is one Godparent I would let Fredo guard.

Stacie tells Paige she did great, then says, “Not as well as when you got the Grands.” Bitch! “I told my husband ‘Get the champagne ready, cause we’re going to celebrate,’ ” she says. Be sure to bring some caviar, too, oops! Used it in the shower already! Damn.

I wanted to enjoy our celebratory meal,
but the boys tried to spawn on the caviar!

Until next time, Gasmii! Keep the comments coming, it’s great to hear from all of you!