Gasmii! Toddlers & Tiaras is back with a vengeance as is Crabby’s irritation with the world at large, mostly the drivers in front of her on the way home. It’s called the passing lane, not pissing time away lane. I do apologize for the pictures – that damn show still isn’t on iTunes or Amazon yet so I pulled from where I could. Now, let’s get started with the CRAZY, shall we?
If only the Sterling twins’ mother were this nice!
We begin this episode of T&T where else? Texas! Annette Hill is the pageant “die-rector” of the Universal Royalty Beauty pageant “right here in Austin, Texas.” Call the papers, they are keeping Austin weird. “In Texas, we like everything big,” she says. I know she’s talking about hair and dresses, but we’ve seen what you’ve sent in the way of presidents and it seem like the one thing you like small is brains.
“The ultimate title and prize is $1000 in cash,” she says. That’s a title as well as the prize? Odd. Also odd? The fact that $1000 doesn’t even cover what those hairpieces cost, let alone the dress and travel. Pageants are like gambling – the perfect game for people bad at math. And leave my lotto out of this! If I believe hard enough, I can win!
Another selective season ahead of us!
In Magnolia, Arkansas, home to…cows, we meet 4 year-old Eden who has a pink, sparkly (because of the crowns) room that has a huge hand-painted “E” on one set of closet doors and a “W” on the other. I hate this kid already. Her mother, Mickie, is trying crowns on Eden. Eden says, “It makes me feel good when I win a pageant.” Well, at least you have a plan for the future.
Mickie says they didn’t think she and her husband were going to have children, but they went to Montego Bay in Jamaica, and came back with little Eden. And a big stash of ganja, I bet. Did they kidnap Eden from a Jamaican family? Because she seems both awfully white and not stoned, so I’m thinking no. “She fits the bill of an only child quite well,” says her mother, spoiler-alerting that her kid is a total spoiled, whiney, snot-nose brat. She’ll probably win.
Over in Keller, Texas, we meet Jaime Sterling, the woman who puts crazy into crazy pageant mom as well as the passive-aggressive in passive-aggressive mother (oxymoron? You decide), and submissive into submissive wife. This woman gets on my shit list faster than the speed of light. Not that the speed of light is on my shit list, I’m just referencing the speed of the speed of light. It’s fast.
Jaime has five daughters that all go on the pageant circuit, and although she doesn’t have a favorite daughter, she DOES and it’s BreAnne. BreAnne is 6 and mops the floor at every pageant with her TWIN sister AshLynne (people, please consider your kids names beyond the age of 6 – is this the name of a CEO? No). The differentiator? They are fraternal twins. Oh, and Jaime dislikes AshLynne. Jaime says, “BreAnne takes after her mommy and is the prettiest of the five. And AshLynne…well, her nose is a little bigger.” Oh bite the big one, Jaime. And yes, this gets worse.
Well, at least you don’t have a big nose. Or maybe it
looks smaller because of your teeth, Mr. Ed.
AshLynne says, “I don’t like competing against my sister, because it’s hard to win,” and she makes a grimace like she wishes she were dead. That is awesome to put a 6 year-old in that position. Insult to injury? BreAnne takes one of AshLynne’s crowns and won’t give it back, like she doesn’t have enough crowns of her own.
Oh, I see her point, this kid is hideous.
Damn you to hell, Jaime.
“BreAnne stands out because she’s fun and full of life, and AshLynne is just AshLynne,” Jaime says. Dudes, they didn’t even edit that together so it looked bad…it WAS bad. This woman is just flat-out awful. I hope when she sees this she sees how differently she’s treating these kids.
Back in Austin where everyone is dodging bat guano, Michelle Treder is getting ready to put her show ponies into the race, her boys Cameron, age 7, and Cavin (don’t ask), total newbie at TWO WEEKS OLD. Yes, you know what 2 week old babies love? Neck muscles that don’t exist so they are unable to turn their heads away from bright stage lights searing their fresh retinas. Good thinking, mom.
Adorable and low on the diva chart.
Cameron is an adorable kid and wins a lot in his category, probably because there is so little competition for boys in these things. His room is full of trophies and crowns and someday he’ll either be a wrestler or a florist. Or a florist who wrestles. That would make money on the WWF. “Some of my trophies are gold,” he says. No they aren’t. Bubble? Burst.
Michelle says she’s pretty sure Cavin will be the youngest contestant at the pageant, you know, unless someone actually breaks water on stage and pushes a kid out. She wants to “gauge his interest” in the pageant circuit. Okay, the only things he is gauging his interest on are your boobs and the nourishment therein. You might consider staying home a scooche longer, Britney Spears. “Maybe he’ll get his first crown,” she says. Hope it comes with his first trip to the chiropractor to put his head back on.
Cavin’s pageant application picture.
Over at Eden’s, they are choosing a dress for her to wear. They like them glitzy and glamorous and tacky! The cheapest dress they bought was $2100 and the most expensive was $3600. Osh Kosh b’Dumbass? A voice off camera asks Mickie how much she’s spent on pageants in Eden’s three years on the circuit. Any guesses? She hesitates, then says $65,000 to $70,000. People, that is a college education! That is more than a down payment on a house! That would almost pay off those mofos at Sallie Mae!
“I like nice cars and nice clothes and I love glitz pageants,” she says. Oh, then in that case, it’s okay.! At least you are building towards something – no retirement.! And look, folks, I get it – if you have the money and this is your hobby, then fine. But don’t pretend it’s anymore than that or that it’s going to “get them somewhere.” There’s only one Miss America every year and besides Vanessa Williams, what other former Miss America can you name? Exactly.
Over at My Favorite Daughter, Jaime is practicing with BreAnne and AshLynne, which includes yelling at AshLynne for not smiling and flailing with her hands. She scolds and finally says, “Somebody else, BreAnne, you want to show her?” Tell me AshLynne isn’t going to be charged with matricide at some point in her life.
Cameron is going in for his haircut and he gets to sit in a toy car while the stylist cuts his hair! Lucky bastard! I can’t even get my stylist to shut up for one goddamn moment of peace while I get my hair done. If I had a toy car, I’d run her over. Instead, I am looking for a new person to hide my grays, so holler up if you are a deaf mute hairdresser who knows good color.
“Unfortunately, Cavin’s hair is too short to cut, so we’ll have to work with what we’ve got,” Michelle says. Why is that unfortunate? Also, he’s TWO WEEKS OLD. That’s not hair, that’s dried placenta from your va-jay-jay, that’s how new he is.
“I think Universal Royalty Pageant is special because I was her first queen,” Michelle says. What?!?!? Are pageants female, like ships? Also? If you take a look at Michelle’s pictures, it clearly didn’t used to be a glitz pageant but more of an Urban Cowboy meets Flashdance pageant. Yikes.
Michelle admits to wishing she had girls instead because the clothes are so much more fun with girls. Well, no argument there. “We’re still wishing for a girl to come along,” she says. Along the street so they could kidnap her? Because I’m pretty sure Jaime has one you could have on the cheap, if you can put up with sloppy seconds.
Speaking of the Sterling family, we meet Barry Sterling who is “not a big fan of the glitz pageants.” Probably because the cost is forcing him to live in that shutterless bi-level. Barry, who has a soul, is concerned that his daughters are competing against each other. Jaime asks Barry if he can help put nails on the girls. “Do you want me to?” he asks. What part of her request did you not understand? He says he didn’t want to fight about the pageants because it would “create friction in our marriage.” Yes, better to create friction among your daughters. MUCH better.
Jaime interviews that Barry was against the pageants but finally “he let me go ahead and do it.” Oh, he “let” you, did he? Where do I begin with that one? “I’ve always done them and that’s who he met, so he knew he married a pageant girl. So if he didn’t like it, he should have gone in a different direction,” she says. Oh, he will, just give him time. Like 5 minutes after he’s viewed this show.
Eden is heading to her coach’s place for some whining, and she walks in with rollers in her hair, a robe dragging on the floor, and a bitch-ass face on, just like I look when I work from home and/or on the weekend. Her coach, Christy Cosby, is wearing a side braid and I realize how much I miss Mork & Mindy. They are going to do a photo shoot today. Oh goody!
I am SO not ready for my close-up. And? Get bent.
They are fixing Eden’s hair and hose her with a bunch of hairspray. She says, “I don’t like hairspray!” No shit, it works better if you spray into a paper bag, hold the bag tightly around your mouth, and breathe – doesn’t work as well when they spray it around your head. Do I have to think of everything?
Mickie says there are times when Eden’s “not at her best,” a.k.a. “acting like a spoiled brat in dire need of an ass-whoppin’ “so she uses her talking hands to get Eden’s attention. One’s named Billy Bob and the other is Angelina Jolie. No, it’s Bobby Sue. You know, you’d think with the $70K she spent, she could actually buy some real f#cking puppets instead of using her bare hands. Jesus!
$3600 on dresses but let’s skimp on the puppets.
What’s even sadder? Eden not only finds them funny, but calls them her best friends. Hope they keep you company in junior high because no one else will. Besides the lady at Krispy Kreme, and don’t act like this ain’t going in that direction.
Austin! Cameron is practicing magic for the talent program. His act includes magic and comedy, which is only a good combination if you are under age 10. Otherwise, get that freakin’ clown away from me. Cameron calls himself “the funniest person on earth.” We all know what that did to Dave Chappelle! “I don’t just have arms,” Cameron says, “I have guns,” and he cha-chuns with his arms, although it is Texas so it’s quite possible he does have guns. Duck!
Michelle interviews that she thinks that Cavin will be outgoing but a little more reserved than Cameron, “but he’ll still want to get out there and meet people and do things.” Michelle, the only thing that TWO WEEK OLD kid is going to do is suckle on your teat and provide income to the diaper industry. It’s very hard for a sack of flour with a heartbeat to go clubbing.
The horror continues at the Sterling household as AshLynne continues to be the albatross around her horse-faced (oh I said it) mother’s neck. They are trying on dresses and sweet, merciful crap, AshLynne’s dress has a ruffle that is torn. I would just cut it off and go with the flow, but her mother has a fit and blames her for not treating her clothes properly. Or…she’s SIX and SHIT HAPPENS! She holds it up to her and scolds, and the whole scene has a very wire-hanger feel to it.
At least Joan had the courtesy of making sure
the dresses were hemmed properly!
“I have another dress coming, but I think it’s going to fit BreAnne.” THEY ARE TWINS, IT WILL FIT EITHER OF THEM YOU VICIOUS BITCH. Jaime tosses the dress aside and says, “It’s just another thing to do and I don’t have time to fix it but I guess I have to.” AshLynne is crying. “BreAnne’s the one who needs to try on her dress.” Hope they are setting some money aside for therapy. In fact, I need it just from watching this episode.
Eden is being fussed over and hosed with hairspray and is a whiny little brat. Turns out she has a fever. I have one too, and the only thing that will satisfy it is cowbell, which I probably could pick up pretty easily in Texas. They don’t want to miss the pageant but will if Eden is sick. Please be sick! Please be sick!
They tell her if she can get through the photo shoot they’ll go to McDonald’s. Way to pacify your kid by Super Sizing her future ass.
Cameron and Cavin’s tuxedos have arrived and Cavin is throwing a fit about his. Those divas start early. No, wait, I think he’s just trying to focus. Cameron says if he wins this pageant, he’s buying a car. Or at least 1/40th of a car once taxes are taking out.
Michelle talks about preparing Cavin for the pageant and says, “You can’t really prepare a child that young for a pageant, you know, mentally or physically or anything like that.” No shit, Dick Tracy, that kid HAS NO NECK MUSCLES and would just like to get his vaccines. Cameron says, “I want to do pageants until I get into my graveyard.” He owns a graveyard? That would be handy for someone like me, I will have to look into that. Watch out, enemies, I now have another place besides the restaurant to hide the evidence!
Pageant day! Hope everybody gets a trophy! They have 95 contestants and 13 titles, and trophies for everyone who stops by, YAY! “It’s going to be a very fierce competition,” says Annette. “Get ready, ’cause EDEN WOOD IS IN THE HOUSE.” For an African-American woman, she made that sound really white.
Speaking of Eden, she’s whining like J-Lo missing her yellow-only M&M bowl. She throws something at her mother who keeps trying to get her attention with the talking hands. Seriously, stop by a toy store and get real puppets, it probably won’t cost you but $30.
Over in the men’s room, Michelle interviews that it’s pretty easy to get the boys ready for the pageant. “Cavin, you know, you pretty much just put the clothes on him,” she says. Yes, thank you Michelle, that is so kind of you given his eye-hand coordination is nil at best.
Paging Lump O. Clay…Lump O. Clay…you have a phone call.
It’s your umbilical cord and it’s still attached.
At the pageant, kids are running amok and I need a Xanax just watching about it. First up is Cavin and he works it as much as a TWO WEEK OLD baby can work it. Annette announces, “He has blonde hair and blue eyes.” He has no hair and all newborns have blue eyes, don’t they? “His ambition?” she continues, “Is to grow up.” Yeah, mine too but I have to tell you, it sort of sucks.
Michelle says, “I think Cavin did really well. He was awake and he wasn’t crying.” Add in not peeing himself and that’s what I consider to be a successful day at work! Cavin’s competitor has neck muscles, so you know it’s going to be a tough call.
Next up, Cameron. Work it, work it, oh no, you forgot what to do and you made a frown-y face! Better luck next year, sucka! No wait, he pulls it off with a gesture of hand behind ear that turns into a gun he shoots at the audience. Jacket off, he exits the stage as smoothly as Sonny Crocket. Extra points if you even know who I mean and it doesn’t involve dirty, dirty Colin Farrell. He’s so dirty.
Eden looks like a big swirl of cotton candy – you can’t wait to get a bag of it when you get to the fair, but then you realize it’s just spun sugar and air and it really makes your teeth hurt. Just like Eden. “I’m going to rock that stage today,” she says. And you’ll be rockin’ someone’s pickup truck in about 12 years, so good for you to get the practice in!
HOLY CRAP EDEN WORKS IT. My God, that is frightening how she turns it on. Her ambition? “To rule the world!” Oh, please wait until Madonna is done, we’re exhausted. This kid is totally going to win she is the epitome of the pageant doll. “I rocked that stage.” Yes, yes you did. My tiara’s off to you kid. It was amazing to see your borderline psychosis as you changed from whiny brat to pageant queen. That’s how serial killers start!
Oh, guess what? BreAnne’s starring in Bratacular! The Musical playing right now in this Austin conference room. She won’t listen to her mother, she smarts off, and she says something nasty about her sister. Barry interviews that BreAnne’s attitude is “really poor” this morning and he’s going to monitor it. “If I had to, I’d pull her from the pageant.” Barry, I will give you $20 to do it. Do it!
Out of five girls, Sour McPuss is the favorite. I see smooth sailing ahead for the Sterling family!
Jaime interviews that in trying to get all of her girls ready for the pageant, she “totally forgot” to sew up AshLynne’s dress. I don’t believe that bullshit for one second, she totally didn’t on purpose and wants AshLynne to fail. Passive-aggressivo strikes again! Worst mother of the year award: Jaime Sterling!
Oh, AshLynne’s up, time to check the vending machine for BBQ chips.
They decide to just cut the ruffle off and guess what? With ten thousand ruffles, you can’t tell. Crisis averted, thank the good Lord in heaven above and Satan below. BreAnne starts to walk onstage but they call AshLynne instead. She walks up there like a zombie just trying to please her mother who walks away and back to her seat. When she’s done Jaime says, “She did fine, nothing spectacular.” Hey, do you play favorites? Child protective service wants to know!
BreAnne is about to walk up and Jaime is in her ear, coaching her, loving on her, and basically showing AshLynne she is hated. Mother of the freakin’ year. If I ever bump into this woman, she’d better be wearing shin guards (and judging by all the controversy on the internet, she’d better just move to Switzerland and get a face transplant). BreAnne gets up and works it and mom smiles brightly. “She did great! She’s a natural!” So unbelievably awful. I hope when she sees this episode she feels really bad about how she treats AshLynne. Oh wait, it’s the end of the day and Jaime is at her wits’ end and it’s BreAnne who is acting like a total brat. In your face, Jaime.
Hey Jaime, how’s the pageant going,
Now it’s Outfit of Choice and Annette suggests they “Work that stage, WORK IT!” Eden is about to work it in a REAL Vegas showgirl outfit that was cut down to fit her four year old body. That is creepy, especially the nipple tassles. No! I’m kidding. But close enough. Eden bitches about the lipstick now. Just breathe some hairspray and watch the hand puppets.
So many things wrong with this picture, where to begin? Obnoxious child, trashy costume, potentially irritating mother-in-law, peroxide poisoning…
Eden comes on stage and works it like a Vegas showgirl would. Yes, I’m sure out of all the choices, this was hers. There is a reason her dad is not a part of this episode. Annette asks for the next contestant and it turns out it’s BreAnne who is off sulking somewhere and AshLynne who is just hanging around in the background per usual. Way to watch your kids, Sterlings!
BreAnne’s outfit of choice is Studio 54 magic and her mother says, “Go BreAnne! She’s a natural and she shines and it shows.” How about AshLynne, who might as well be called AssLynne the way her mother treats her. AshLynne is dressed like a hooker in vinyl and Jaime says, “It’s just so forced with AshLynne.” You mean like she doesn’t like it? How about getting her a coach? How about supporting her?
Talent is next. Can’t wait to see what the twins have in store for us! Cameron is ready for his close-up while Cavin is done for the day, you know, because it should be illegal for him to be competing. Cameron is doing his magic with jokes and it falls as flat as it would if your Uncle Joe did it at your wedding. Mom is pleased.
Over in Eden’s world, Mickie says, “I think it’s one thing to have a spoiled little girl but it’s another thing to have a spoiled little brat.” Tomato – tomahto, Mickie. Your kid is BOTH and that is a lethal combination come those pre-teen years. I’m glad you’re making sure she’ll be there to take care of you in your old age because NO ONE ELSE WILL WANT TO BE NEAR HER!
Once again, Eden gets up in some crazy zebra-striped ensemble and she works it like a whore in Michael Corleone’s brothel in Nevada. That coach really earned her money with this kid.
Back at the tarnished Sterling family, BreAnne continues to be an A-1 bitch. She storms off and Jaime tells Barry. Barry says at the pageants, his role is as “the discipline person,” otherwise known as the disciplinarian (and I have a public school education!). “If they get out of line, I put them back in line,” he says. Well finally! Now head over to Eden’s area and straighten that hot mess out!
Barry decides to have “a word” with his wife who is freaking out because his mic is still on. Barry cares not! He’s not Jon, she’s not Kate, and he is laying down the law. “BreAnne is acting like a spoiled brat and she needs to be dealt with right now,” he says. Bring out the belt! The paddle! Corporal punishment! “She needs to be taken out of here!” Amen.
Barry grabs BreAnne and walks out with her as she has a total meltdown. Jaime says it was hard not to let her continue to compete, but dad was having none of it. Hope he duct tapes her to a chair in the hotel room so we can all get some peace. Jaime says she wanted BreAnne to compete but Barry “said no, and I had to respect that.” Looks like Barry DOES wear the pants in that house, and not because he’s the only guy.
AshLynne gets up and her talent is waving a flag. I’m not kidding. And she forgets some of it halfway through. They should consider putting her in something else – sports, gymnastics, chess club, band camp, anything – to get her away from this. All they are doing is torturing her when they should give her the chance to succeed at her own thing. Talent is concluded, time for crowning! I bet Cavin could should them a thing or two about crowning!
First up, boys zero to four. Zero? Michelle believes that Cavin is going to win big – except he comes in fourth which is first loser. “We did get a couple of comments about how young he was,” Michelle says. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I had more than a couple!
I coulda been a contender!
Six and up boys! Most handsome – Cameron! Michelle says, “It does make me feel better that I can make beautiful babies.” Thank you for taking us back to the 50s when that was a solid goal for women. She giggles. I vomit.
Talent? Cameron! First runner up – not Cameron, but you know if he doesn’t win it means he’s moving to the next level…which he WINS! Universal Royalty King is Cameron. He wins a crown and probably a cash prize of some sort.
Now for girls zero to four or something…Most Beautiful? Eden! Most Photogenic? Eden! Best Dressed? Eden! Receiving bitchiest stare from contestant to her right? Eden! Best Outfit of Choice? Eden the Showgirl! The Universal Royalty Queen? Some other girl which means Eden moves on to the Supreme Deep Dish with Stuffed Crust which is better.
Six to seven age group. “AshLynne struggles onstage so I don’t see her winning,” says Jaime who I hope gets hit by a pageant bus soon. Way to support your kids. Third runner up? AshLynne! In your face, Mommy Bitchiest! “I was shocked that AshLynne did well today,” Jaime says. Well, the important thing is you said that on national television in a show that will run in re-runs forever and will probably be shown at her trial after she blows you away when you don’t pass the rolls fast enough at Thanksgiving.
No thanks, Jaime, I don’t need AshLynne’s heart,
I already ate today.
Second runner up? BreAnne. Didn’t they pull her from the competition? They probably should have told someone. And how could she get that high of a score without talent? The other kids must have REALLY sucked. “She’s asleep,” her parents say. “BreAnne threw a fit and she won’t be rewarded for it,” Barry says. But she just was rewarded, so,uh, little help?
Director’s Choice? This is for the contestant who really impressed the judges with their attitude and personality,” Annette says, without adding, “And for making it this far with such a wretched mother who clearly does not like, support, or care about her,” because who wins? AshLynne! In your face, Jaime! Now that AshLynne is a winner her mommy likes her. What a total BITCH!
Super Supreme Deep Dish with Everything? The Grand Supreme winner is Eden. Have to admit it, she did earn it. She’s a brat, but she earned it. Mom is pleased and Eden says, “The crown is so big, it can’t even fit on my head.” I beg to differ. Uh-oh, here comes the hand puppets congratulating her. Yikes.
Raise your hand if you’re sure you’re a brat
and plan to smack the girl next to you.
Annette pulls AshLynne aside and tells her she won the most special award because “it means you’re my favorite.” Yep, something tells me Annette saw the dailies and how much AshLynne needed someone to approve and love her since her mother is a cold-hearted snake when it comes to her. As much as I’ve joked about Annette, this was a super nice thing to do and it may change how this girl feels about herself going forward. Fingers crossed!
The nose just can’t be ignored. Wait…these are tiny noses! Dammit!
BreAnne continues to be a huge brat and AshLynne tries to cheer her up by sharing her balloons. BreAnne will have none of it and tries to rub her second place finish in AshLynne’s face. AshLynne reminds her that she was asleep, and BreAnne, knowing how to use this against her sister, says, “Yes, but MOMMY told me,” and she makes this “so in your face, loser” face and I want to smack her into next week. You can see AshLynne is completely deflated. Those girls are going to hate each other if they don’t already.
“Cavin things pageants are really exhausting, he’s been sleeping for awhile now,” Michelle interviews. I think that is because he’s a TWO WEEK OLD BABY and that’s what they do, not because he’s exhausted from the pageant, you dimwit. Oh Michelle, really.
AshLynne is proud of her win, as she should be. She should also consider taking Mandarin Chinese classes so while BreAnne and her sparkling personality are waiting on people at the Dairy Queen, AshLynne will be running a company. Be brave, little AshLynne, and pack some heat if you think you can get a clear shot of mommy.