Tool Academy: It’s Cookie Time

Last week on Tool Academy, one tool went home but don’t fear, we have six more left duking it out for the title of least Toolish of all the Tools. We open this week’s episode with our tools sitting around the table, eating breakfast and discussing what this week’s therapy topic could be. MEGA pressures Tiny Tool Josh to ‘fess up on all the trash he’s talked about his woman, like saying she’s a fat fattie and a blow-up doll would be better. Our ladies are also displaying toolish characteristics as they sit around making fun of Aida and her bunk boob job. Aida is reading a book, claiming that she wants to concentrate on bettering herself and her tool and doesn’t want to get caught up in the house drama. I’m totally with Aida on this one…really her only crime is dating a real dumb guy and lord knows we’ve all been there. Some of us multiple times.

It’s therapy time, and our guys are sweating, especially Bro-Shaun. He knows “bombs like Hiroshima” are dropped in therapy.

The Therapist explains that this week’s topic is humility, and all of our boys look puzzled because they have no idea what the hell is means. Tommy takes a guess that the root of the word is humor.

Therapist explains that their outrageous egos and attitudes have helped turn them into the douches they are today. Let’s not forget their hair and personal style, which is also a major contributing factor.

In this week’s session, the guys will put on a bulletproof vest and be honest with themselves and their girlfriends. Because they are really all fragile dolls underneath that spikey hair and self-tanner.

Bro-Shawn goes first. He put on the bullet-proof vest and totally looks like a Ninja Turtle in it.

He admits that all of their relationship problems are because of him and also because Aida has friends who date minted dudes who are worth millions. So really, Aida, it’s your fault that he had to find a second girlfriend! If only you could lower your standards, you wouldn’t get cheated on.

Bro-Shawn starts to cry big, fake crocodile tears, probably thinking of all the tail he’ll miss out on if he loses the $100,000. Aida says she has always loved him for who he is, and that she knows he’s a good person inside, no matter how stupid he looks on the outside.

The other ladies are so moved by her speech that they offer her an apology. She very graciously accepts, and I wonder for the millionth time why she is with this loser since she so obviously can do better. Aida, hit me up sweetie and I’ll give you my brother’s phone number. He loves blondes with fake boobies and he has a good job and only like one girlfriend at a time.

Judo Rob is next to don the Ninja Turtle vest. As he addresses his girlfriend Karine, he calls her dude. A LOT. I counted, and it was 5 times in 10 seconds. How about changing it up with a baby or a sweetie? He actually gets a little angry and street during his speech, saying he wants to live with her but she won’t live with him.

My boy MEGA is next. It sounds like he got super-dogged by another girl, and his current girlfriend was around to pick up the pieces. He calls her the girl of his dreams and his best friend.

TT is up and homeboy is going to need more then a bullet proof vest when he ‘fesses up all the trash that he talked about his woman. And to further cement his tool status, he is wearing the ugliest class ring ever, which I find to be the most offensive thing about him right now.

He talks about how he has to man up and stop being tough guy. Uhhhh, wasn’t aware that you started to act like a tough guy, so thanks for the notice.

As he starts to confess about how he said that a blow-up doll would be better in the sack then her, my heart goes out to her. She’s genuinely hurt and rightfully so. As more of his verbal diaherra spews forth, it’s evident that he’s this week Bro-Shawn–everybody is thanking their lucky stars that they didnt fuck up as bad as he did. He just keeps going on and on and it’s torture for me, and I’m not even the girl he’s talking about.

As a sign of his affection and to show how sorry he truly is, he gives her…….a bowling certificate?

Tommy is next, and he admits that his biggest fear is that one day she will rekindle her spark with her baby daddy. His girlfriend interviews that she’s just happy he’s thinking. Other things she’s happy Tommy is doing: breathing, getting dressed, walking and chewing gum

Matsu talks about sex, or lack thereof. To be quite honest, I have no idea what he’s saying. Something about being in love and not having sex, who cares, I’m bored.

Celebrity “Call me Clarence but not really” gets up and says he’s NOT ready to change. He wants to go home and keep doing what he’s doing. Better re-think that Mr. Booty Shake.

Celebrity and Cameron are asked to stay behind. Therapist gets out a punching bag and tells Cameron to pretend that its Celebrity. She wails on it like Mike Tyson wailed on Robin Givens. (enough time has passed for that to work, right?)

At the dude compound, the tools are sitting around and talking about the effects of therapy. Bro-Shaun wants to do a group hug for them opening up and being huge vaginas.

Male bonding is interrupted for our official humility challenge-the First Annual Tool Academy Bake Sale at Universal Studios! I love how they say “First Annual” like we don’t know they will ride this Tool Academy train until season 4636. It is VH1, after all.

I kid because I love, Vh1. My life would be incomplete without Rock of Love.

Anyways, our tools will have to do whatever it takes to sell the most cookies. The winner will get a date and hopefully some sex. VH1 has thoughtfully provided an array of weird stuff for them to use.

Judo Rob ain’t too happy about wearing a tutu and runs off and pouts. Tommy finds him and gives him a pep talk, telling him that this isn’t something to go home over. Rob tells us that he doesn’t mean to sound like a bitch, but what Tommy did really meant something to him. Ahhh, progress, thy name is Judo Rob.

So our boys gather at Universal Studios for the FATABS. They look like a group of weird super heroes or gay plumbers.

MEGA does some smooth talking on the streets of Universal Studios and claims its “in the bag like Santa’s presents for the kiddies.” Please, please, PLEASE I totally want to hang out with him.

Rob is letting people punch him for money. I love and support this idea. Anybody got a quarter? I want to kick him in the balls. He’s actually having a lot of fun for someone who didn’t want to do ths

Bro-Shaun hits pay dirt with a bus of Asian tourists. I’m not impressed; Asians will take pictures of anything.

Tiny Tool is working his corner like…..shit, I need MEGA’s help! Like a tranny hooker on Robertson Boulevard? Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but less likeable?

Don’t Call Me Clarence is doing his stupid gymnastics. There’s lots of flips and spread eagles, like we haven’t seen him do this 500 times already.

The boys line up to find out who the winner is. Judo Rob takes third, Tommy gets second and the winner is….Bro-Shawn!

I can’t believe my boy MEGA didn’t even place! Judo Rob celebrates by acting like a total…..tool. Two steps forward, I guess.

Bro-Shawn and Aida go on their date in a horse carriage and an ugly dress. Seriously, this thing makes Molly Ringwald’s dress in Pretty in Pink look like the latest haute couture.

Bro-Shaun tells us he needs to go on this date because of that whole “I had two girlfriends at one time” thing. At least he knows what he did wrong. He’s like a puppy, he knows he shouldn’t pee on the carpet but will totally fuck another girl when your back is turned. Or something like that.

Bro-Shawn is eager to get to the conjugal visit part of the date but Aida says no “hit hit bang boom boom bounce.” He’s totally blue-balling, and wondering how she’s not sexually frustrated with him

Ummm have you looked in the mirror? And how about the fact that you CHEATED on her, you dick!

Aida smartly tells him there are no sex scenes in Cinderella. She says they have the rest of their lives to get their freak on and he rolls his eyes and laughs. Poor baby is all frustrated that its been three freaking weeks since they had sex. Maybe it’s been three weeks since you and HER have had sex, but weren’t you also banging the other girl Jamie?

Back at the house they start asking Bro-Shawn (can I just start calling him B.S. from now on? Seems suiting) if he banged his girl or not. For some unkown reason, he takes offense to this, even though they did it to Matsu just the other day. See, it’s funny when B.S. does it, but it’s NOT funny when it’s done to him.

Anyways, B.S. starts freaking out and talking shit to my boy MEGA, claiming he’s hot since he “sold more cookies then your mother.” All together now: oh no he DIDN’T.

MEGA fires back with “like your girl is going to do tonight, I’m going to sleep on you.” I guess he used all of his A-game analogies for the humility challenge, because, what? B.S answers with the always clever “Your girl is, fall back.” Someone please, I need a d-bag translator, stat! MEGA calls Aida a bitch, which is not very clever or accurate, but at least the insult comes over loud and clear.

The boys finally calm down and take it outside to talk. Bro-Shawn is acting like he’s the victim since MEGA called his girl a bitch, conveniently forgetting he talked about MEGA’s momma. They eventually hug it out.

The Therapist sits the ladies down to talk about their boy’s progress. Aida says she’s falling back in love with B.S. Ashley is proud that Josh is honest but if he gets kicked out she’s leaving him. Emotional blackmail may work with your tool, but I’d be careful doing it around a therapist.

Cameron calls Don’t Call Me Clarence a tool and says kick him to the curb, she’s done! They have been dating for 10 years–since she was 17, people–and she’s finally ready to wise up and move on.

The boys meet for our third elimination ceremony. Has anyone seen what these douches did to their jackets? It hurts my eyes to look at them.

Anyways, the humility badges are passed out to everyone except Tiny Tool and Don’t Call me Clarence.

Don’t Call Me Clarence (who is wearing a “I came to leave” T-shirt) is sure that if he gets sent home, Cameron will be waiting for him. On the carpet, he’s called out for acting like, well, himself. TT is told that he’s made some progress, but Therapist fears he’ll regress quickly if he doesn’t keep at it. After a slight dramatic pause, Don’t Call Me Clarence is sent packing!

None of the females waiting outside are surprised when Don’t Call Me Clarence comes strolling out. He takes Cameron’s hand, but before he opens his mouth, she tells him with pleasure that SHE’S the reason he got expelled. Then she says she’s leaving Clarence, she’s leaving Celebrity and throws up a two-fingered “Peace, bitch!.” LOVES IT!

Don’t Call Me Clarence is standing in the limo’s dust with his mouth hanging open. Then he does his stupid booty shake and all the girls literally laugh at him. It may be one of the most pathetic moments I’ve seen on TV in awhile. I had to rewind and watch it again.

The girls take their time going back inside, each tossing out an insult as they walk by. “I came to leave….by your damn self.” “If we want to get in touch, we’ll call 1-800-LOSER.” Nicely done, ladies! Contact Flipit75@gmail.com for the next Audtiongasm.

So there you have it. Don’t Call Me Clarence gets left in the cold and throws a middle finger up to the producers. Our next episode is a lesson in maturity, but more importantly, someone is eliminated because of their girlfriend! What?! Previews show the host saying “You’re not much of a tool, but your girlfriend is.” Any guesses? I’m praying its not MEGA, but his girl does seem kinda bitchy.

‘Til then,
xoxo
PopPrincess

P.S. Bonus points if you know what fabulous 90s movie this week title and picture came from! And super double triple points if you can sing a verse from it!