After a terrifying month of thinking that Tool Academy 2 wasn’t going to air and I was gonna spend my Fall recapping a show about those other Kardashian sisters (you know, the ones without the sex tape), I was thrilled to find that the douche parade will indeed roll out on August 31st. Since I will be on vacation in the land of no television (also known as Burning Man) from the 29th through the 6th, and since I haven’t had anything to recap in a while, I bring you now, my recap of what tiny bit of information the Vh1 website has to offer on this trainwreck.
Hulk smash! No wait, Douchbag Smash!
Let’s start off with the meager Meet the Cast section. Vh1.com has provided us with one photo and a name for each of the contestants, so let’s start this thing off with headshot visuals only initial douche-bag quotient scores. When there’s an actual episode to recap we will add to these scores to get the final D.Q.’s and the winner gets… I don’t know… To make an ass of himself on national television? Yeah, sure, that seems fair. Oh yeah, and the synopsis for the season says that 12 girls trick their boyfriends into coming on the show. I get how it worked last season, since the show was new, but these guys all have to dumber than mentally challenged rocks to fall for it in the second season.
Tool number one is Andre. Let’s see… Clearly waxed eyebrows is good for at least 10 points, overly creative facial hair, because it’s a huge peeve of mine, earns him another 30, I can’t tell how lame the cornrows are from this angle, so we’ll just call that 15 points, and the clearly self-applied sequins on his jacket bring in 45. So, in total, we have a D.Q. of 100. Not bad Andre, but we’re yet to see if you own any Ed Hardy or Affliction T-shirts.
This fine looking gentleman is named Charm. Yeah, okay, 40 points for the name alone. And I don’t even need to pick this apart feature by feature. If you’re going to make that “I’m so street” thug face, you can’t do it in a bedazzled jacket and headband combo. Your score is 150, and I’m being nice.
Hi Dan, you bore me. Well, we have some slightly over-creative facial hair, a baby faux-hawk, and something about you just screams Domestic Battery to me. You get 50 points for now, but I have a sneaking suspicion that once you’re a moving picture and not a still I will absolutely be upping that score by a lot.
Frank, your hair is acceptable, you don’t have any douchey facial hair, and I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that your eyebrows just grow in like that. Something is telling me that your girlfriend dragged you here because you spend all your time in your room, listening to The Cure, burning incense, and writing really shitty poetry that you post on Livejournal or something. I don’t know how douchey that makes you though… Gay maybe, and lame for sure, but the only super douche signal I’m seeing is your perfectly symmetrical rhinestone collar-work. 40 points, but if I were giving out points on being a pussy you’d be leading the pack.
Rawr! Me John L. Me alpha male! Me spike hair and make fire and probably break something in the first episode. Me get 80 points just for the expression on me face in this picture.
Really, Jon S? I mean, where do I even start? Ed Hardy trucker hat, 75 points. Cocking it part-way to the side adds 15 more. Ripping the sleeves off your jacket is good for 30 more, but I would like to personally thank you for resisting what is clearly a huge amount of peer pressure to Bedazzle that shit. Your scruffy, “I don’t give a shit” beard that clearly takes you two hours to get that way every morning is worth 30 points, and I’m gonna throw 20 at that tattoo. I can’t tell what it is, but I’m pretty sure it’s lame. 170 points man. If douchiness was intelligence, you would be Steven Hawking.
Okay, way to up the ante there, Josh. First of all, what’s with the pose? Is this your Myspace picture? 25 points just for that. The Kate Gossolin haircut combined with chunky highlights and a faux-hawk? Really? That’s 100 points just sitting on top of your head. Ball-chain necklaces that were really cool when I was a freshman in high school get you 40 just because you appear to be wearing 40 of them. The wristband is good for 15 more, and you total out at 180. You would appear to be the douche to beat.
Justin, let’s just you and me have a little talk. I see you’re sporting a sleeveless T-shirt, stretched ears, heavy ink, multiple facial piercings, and a bouncer stance. That’s a little douchey, but I would almost give you a pass because I like tattoos and piercings and most of my friends are tough guys with body art, but dude, seriously, listen very carefully: If you want to be a big tough bad boy You cannot wax your eyebrows! 80 points for mixing genres, and another 30 for the shirt because dude, that shirt is never okay. You come in at 110.
Mike, I’m giving you 100 points. Now get out of my sight. I don’t want to look at you anymore.
Stew, where do I start. Well, first of all, you spell your name like thick hearty soup. Not very manly, is it? That could theoretically be your parents’ fault, but I really doubt it, so there’s 20 points right there. Hair that appears to be spiked up with super-glue, with a bandana tied around it? Just admit you love Justin Timberlake so we can all move on please. 50 more points. Fang piercings in your lower lip? Like I said, I like body art, but that’s pretty lame. 20 points. “Thinker” pose racks up 20 more. And lastly, since I’m being nice and ignoring your shirtlessness, you sir, are wearing a teal Livestrong bracelet. I have no idea what the teal ones are for, but I know they earn you 15 points. Final score: 125.
Terry, you look normal. What the fuck are you doing here? The faux-hawk isn’t exactly awesome, but maybe there’s a spot open on Top Chef or something? I’m waiting for you to do something really really tool-like in the premiere. 40 points for the hair, and that is all. Step it up, bro.
Tyler, Tyler, Tyler…. The hair. We have to talk about the hair. First of all, what are you using for product? Because I think getting a flesh wound from your boyfriend’s hair is a turn-off to most girls. Also, the anti-mullet (long in front and short in back) hasn’t been cool since ’94. I do appreciate that you stuck with the early nineties theme in actually getting steps shaved into the ‘do, but that’s still 90 points worth of bad hair. Yes, I said I liked tattoos, but the funny thing is, I like good tattoos. Yours aren’t as bad as some I’ve seen on reality TV, but they’re not good man. 20 points for the ink. The ear stretching I can live with, since at least you’re sticking with one genre of douchebag, but then why are you throwing up the Hang Loose sign? Oh right, because people did that in 1994? What is it with you and ’94, man? I’m starting to worry a little that you might be experiencing some type of regression. Oh yeah, I forgot to score a lot of that shit. I’m just gonna give you a total of 140.
Well, I was gonna recap the “Sneak Peek” on the Vh1 website, but it’s 30 seconds long and not very entertaining. Tools bash themselves with beer cans and make monkey noises. Woohoo. Okay kids, if I get a better sneak peek before I leave for vacation I will throw some more cappage your way. Otherwise look for your first recap around the 7th.
What do you think of these tools? Better than last years? More entertaining? Did I fuck up any math while trying to add and fight off my stupid cat who was trying to type the whole time? Let it rip, Gasmii.