Last week on Tool Academy… I stayed up late to watch a repeat of Real Chance At Love Two because Vh1 decided they needed a sabbatical after two friggin episodes. The week before that we saw Beta Jon go home after proving that he wasn’t willing to put any effort whatsoever into his relationship, and then he dumped his girlfriend so as to avoid being dumped on national television. It would have been a good move to save some of his masculinity if he hadn’t spent five minutes crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee right afterward. So let’s make the jump, shall we, and discover which tools are humble enough to get through Humility Week.
Mirror mirror on the wall, why the fuck is my hair so tall?
So I’d like to start out by apologizing for this here recap coming six days after the episode aired. It’s almost time for midterms, and I’ve been being all lame and responsible and making sure all my school work was done before I started writing about Tools. I need to track down some sort of Creative Writing Through Snarky Recaps class so I can get credits for doing this, but in the meantime I am all caught up (and actually a little ahead) on all that boring college stuff so I shouldn’t be horrifically late again until finals week.
Onto the show! It’s a new day in Tool Academy, and Alpha John has decided to wake his toolmates up by shaking the shit out of their beds.
Domestic Dan informs us that he is terrified of Alpha John. Umm… Yeah… Alpha John is fucking scary dude. And you’re not. I’m actually pretty sure that I could beat the crap out of Domestic Dan, so maybe it’s a good idea for him to just avoid confrontation with anyone over a hundred pounds.
Mikey starts his day off right by burning all the hair off his chest with noxious chemicals.
Who wears short shorts? We wear short shorts!
I tried using Nair on my underarms once in middle school, and it burned off so much of my skin that I had to walk around with my arms up in the air for two days straight. Maybe they’ve reformulated their product since then, or maybe these tools just have way tougher skin than I do, but If I loaded that much Nair onto myself they would have to remake my belly with skin from my butt.
Mikey tells us that he’s Persian and looks amazing naked so long as he takes care of his “Persian rug.” Gross dude. Just gross. Andre gets in on the Nairing action too, and if there’s a less manly activity than removing unsightly body hair together I would like to know what it is. Maybe afterward they could have a tea party and discuss the inner turmoils of the characters in The Joy Luck Club.
Announcer guy breaks up the gay estrogen fest by announcing that it’s time for therapy. This week’s theme is modesty. English Therapist Lady tells our tools that their extreme vanity is there to mask some deep insecurities. This theory would explain why every stripper I’ve ever dated has spent thousands of dollars on boobs and lipo, and yet won’t shut up about how fat/ugly/hideous she is. Note to everyone out there: If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life reassuring someone that they’re pretty, don’t go after girls in three hundred dollar jeans.
ETL reveals a mirror and tells our tools that they’ll be facing themselves and telling their reflections all the things that make them insecure.
Here’s a hint: Mirrors aren’t one of those things.
Stew is up first, and he begins his therapy by straightening up some of his non-existent hair.
I’ve got eyes on the back of my head, and even they are douchey enough to wear sunglasses indoors.
Stew cries. A lot. He talks about being a doofy looking kid with a bowl cut, which was probably a way better look than the hair he’s got going on now. He also sneaks in there the fact that he hasn’t had a job since he met his girlfriend. Wow. Dude is a total winner. I can see why questionable piercings girl wouldn’t want to let him get away.
Alpha John is up next, and he refuses to look in the mirror because
all the steroids the way his girlfriend treats him has got him all raged up. He says that she makes fun of him and calls him fat and makes him feel bad, and then he goes storming out of therapy. After a smoke break and some pacing around Alpha John gets his roid rage anger at his girlfriend under control and rejoins therapy.
Steroids may cause extreme mood swings…
Alpha John gets up in the mirror and we learn that he has some sort of reverse anorexia where he sees a skinny scrawny dude when he looks in the mirror. It’s actually kinda cute, but only because seeing a giant muscley guy with a deep deep voice talk about being insecure is always a teensy bit adorable.
Fauxhawk is up next, and he does a lot of crying too.
Shut up! I have something in my eye!
His crying is a little endearing though because it’s all about how he doesn’t treat his girl right and he should be a better boyfriend and he’s ashamed of the way he’s been acting. Awwwwwwwwwwwww.
1992: The Guy gets up and calls himself a piece of shit and a terrible boyfriend. Then he tries to give his girl a promise ring that she gave back to him a while back, and she tells him no. Hahaha. Okay, I’ve gotta question this right here. If you guys watched last season you probably remember when the skinny dorky guy gave his girl his bowling certificate as a symbol of his undying love. My question is, if these guys were blindsided and packed only the shit they thought they’d need to be Mr Awesome or the face of Her Energy Drink, why the fuck do they have promise rings and bowling certificates in their luggage? Very shady, Vh1. Very very shady.
And with that we’re into montage mode:
I see a guy in a sweatband even though he’s not about to go jogging
I see a guy who wears more make-up than his girlfriend
I see a guy who turns to There’s Something About Mary for hair-styling tips
I see a guy who wishes this was a full-length mirror so he could whip his junk out and talk to it
Seriously though, Charm tries to fake his way through the challenge, but you can tell he’s distracted by that sexy sonofbitch in the mirror, and it’s taking all his strength not to flex and gaze longingly at himself. If Charm doesn’t go home during Modesty Week then something is very very not right in the world.
Andre gets up and talks about how he’s insecure because his girlfriend is a stripper and he knows there are guys all over her every night and he just wants to be successful enough to take care of her so she doesn’t have to do that anymore. It’s really sweet, actually, and I am totally pulling for this guy to win. Him and Fauxhawk seem to be the only ones really trying.
Now if he would just do something about the overly creative facial hair I would totally stop making fun of him
Joisey gets very emotional during Andre’s speech, and his girl announces that she is a stripper too.
The rest of the class did NOT see that coming
So the therapist call Joisey up to talk about his feelings. He refuses to look in the mirror and mostly just gives his girl a bunch of shit about not appreciating him and taking her clothes off for money and blah blah blah. Way to bomb the challenge, dude. If Charm gets to stay because you’re a pompous ass I’m gonna beat you senseless.
So with that class is dismissed. We still have a challenge and stuff to do, but since eliminations are pretty much always based on what happens in therapy there’s no way that anyone but Charm or Joisey is going home tonight.
That night the boys all prove how much they’ve been learning and growing by getting in the hot-tub and behaving like a bunch of frat boys during rush week.
We here at Vh1 care very deeply about your growth and maturity while on Tool Academy. As such we have provided you with these beer bongs and an unlimited supply of alcohol…
Alpha John smashes a full beer can on his head and then puts a cigarette out on his face. I will spare you the visual for that one.
Wait, no I won’t.
Yeah, that’s gonna leave a mark
Oh, and then he eats the cigarette but after. Boys are so weird when left alone in a hot tub with beer.
The next morning Host Guy wakes the tools up for their modesty challenge, and hands them all some really bitchin’ overalls. Mike informs us that he’s not the overalls type, and points out that he’s wearing a seven hundred dollar outfit
Unless there’s six hundred and seventy five dollars sewn into the lining of that shirt, you got seriously ripped off
So to teach our boys the modesty that comes along with an honest days work, they’re gonna spend their afternoon as beet farmers. Yeah, nothing breeds modesty like being a beet farmer.
Sure worked for this guy
The point of the challenge is to see who can pick the most beets in two hours. Mike and Charm spend the whole time talking shit, which displeases the therapist. Joisey slacks off pretty hardcore, which doesn’t bode well for him considering how he wouldn’t look in the mirror during therapy. Mike and 1992 are busting ass, and it’s looking like it’s gonna come down to those two, with Fauxhawk possibly being a dark horse.
Finally! Someone has made a condom that will fit in your purse and/or wallet. Those big bulky pillow-sized condoms were such an inconvenience.
Back to the show. 1992: The Guy comes in second and Mike wins the challenge. The loser is Joisey, by over a thousand beets. Oh, you’re so going home tonight, dude.
For their “romantic” date, Vh1 has sprung for a fake drive-in movie, complete with champagne and popcorn.
Vh1 encourages you to be romantic through the use of open alcohol containers in your car
The date starts out well, but they soon begin talking about how much he’s cheated on her. She asks him about a weekend he spent in Newport, and he admits to making out with some girl, but swears there was no sex. She’s pissed, but hey, she asked and he was honest, so she needs to maybe be happy that he’s willing to face the consequences of being truthful.
Back over in the ladies’ quarters, Leah and Kat are talking about how hard it is to be a stripper. Shannon gets all holier than thou talking about how strippers destroy families and guys cheat because of strippers. Dude, Shannon, shut up. The only thing a stripper is doing is taking your guy’s money. If dude wants to cheat he will find someone to cheat with, and it probably ain’t gonna be a stripper because the ones that are willing to perform sexual favors do not do so cheap. It’s a lot more economical to just buy some bitch with low self-esteem a bunch of drinks at a skeazy bar and get a blowjob in the parking lot.
Leah freaks out about the accusation, and talks about bustin’ Shannon in her fuckin’ face. Ahhh… we have now reached the point in Tool Academy where all the ladies turn on each other. Who had week three in the betting pool?
Screaming is much more effective from a distance of approximately two inches
Leah and Shannon scream indecipherable things at each other while a crew member holds Leah back from hitting the skinny little white girl. Leah, honey, please don’t get your boyfriend kicked off the show. I’m totally rooting for him and it would make me sad.
So, with the bitch-fest over it’s now elimination time. The guys all sit down and they pan over all their worried faces before they begin announcing the winners.
Through the magic of terrible editing, we can see that the guy sitting behind Joisey has nothing to worry about this week
The first names called are: Fauxhawk, Mike, 1992: The Guy, and Stew. Damn, poor Andre. What’s the boy have to do to make top of the class?
Next up are Domestic Dan, Andre, and Guyliner. They get their tool-badges and I still feel like Andre got a little ripped off.
That leaves Alpha John, Charm, and Joisey as our final three. John gets chastised for yelling at Sarah during therapy, but gets his badge since he came back to therapy and did the exercise. Both Charm and Joisey get yelled at for not doing the exercise, but in the end it’s Joisey going home.
This cheapens the modesty merit badge for everyone else
All the other tools seem pretty pissed off that Charm is staying too. I don’t blame them.
It’s moment of truth time, and Joisey steps out to face his girlfriend.
Short guys really shouldn’t date girls who wear stripper heels
He tells her he loves her and he wants to be with her. She tells him she loves him too, but she needs to work on herself, and she walks away. Joisey gets all defensive and says that he’s not a tool and that she was the one who should have been enrolled in Tool Academy because she was a bigger tool than he was.
Normally this would be the end of the show, but since the other guys are so pissed off that Charm is still there we get to see one more screaming match this week. Mike yells at him for having a shirt that says “I heart Charm.” Through the magic of black and white flashbacks we see that Charm, in fact, has at least three shirts that say “I heart Charm.”
1992: The Guy jumps in and starts screaming at him too, about not taking the academy seriously.
Just keep your junk in your pants and I will totally fight you
The other tools decide that Charm sucks, and they expel him from the barracks by moving his bed into the living room. And that brings an end to another exciting week here at Charm School… Oh wait, I mean Tool Academy. Sorry, the whole screaming and moving beds into the living room thing gave me flashbacks of the last show I had to recap.
So I didn’t realize until just now that I was neglecting to give out DQ points this week. Whoops. Oh well, I guess that means Charm is still in the lead and should be going home next week, and I’ll keep track of points when I recap the show that’s on tonight. So who are you guys pulling for? Does anyone else think that Andre is getting totally overlooked? Would anyone else really like to see Charm get his ass kicked? Tune in next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) for more douchey excitement.