Tool Academy 2: I’m the Most Humblest Guy Here

His crying is a little endearing though because it’s all about how he doesn’t treat his girl right and he should be a better boyfriend and he’s ashamed of the way he’s been acting. Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

1992: The Guy gets up and calls himself a piece of shit and a terrible boyfriend. Then he tries to give his girl a promise ring that she gave back to him a while back, and she tells him no. Hahaha. Okay, I’ve gotta question this right here. If you guys watched last season you probably remember when the skinny dorky guy gave his girl his bowling certificate as a symbol of his undying love. My question is, if these guys were blindsided and packed only the shit they thought they’d need to be Mr Awesome or the face of Her Energy Drink, why the fuck do they have promise rings and bowling certificates in their luggage? Very shady, Vh1. Very very shady.

And with that we’re into montage mode:

Seriously though, Charm tries to fake his way through the challenge, but you can tell he’s distracted by that sexy sonofbitch in the mirror, and it’s taking all his strength not to flex and gaze longingly at himself. If Charm doesn’t go home during Modesty Week then something is very very not right in the world.

Andre gets up and talks about how he’s insecure because his girlfriend is a stripper and he knows there are guys all over her every night and he just wants to be successful enough to take care of her so she doesn’t have to do that anymore. It’s really sweet, actually, and I am totally pulling for this guy to win. Him and Fauxhawk seem to be the only ones really trying.

Joisey gets very emotional during Andre’s speech, and his girl announces that she is a stripper too.

So the therapist call Joisey up to talk about his feelings. He refuses to look in the mirror and mostly just gives his girl a bunch of shit about not appreciating him and taking her clothes off for money and blah blah blah. Way to bomb the challenge, dude. If Charm gets to stay because you’re a pompous ass I’m gonna beat you senseless.

So with that class is dismissed. We still have a challenge and stuff to do, but since eliminations are pretty much always based on what happens in therapy there’s no way that anyone but Charm or Joisey is going home tonight.

That night the boys all prove how much they’ve been learning and growing by getting in the hot-tub and behaving like a bunch of frat boys during rush week.

Alpha John smashes a full beer can on his head and then puts a cigarette out on his face. I will spare you the visual for that one.

Wait, no I won’t.

Oh, and then he eats the cigarette but after. Boys are so weird when left alone in a hot tub with beer.

The next morning Host Guy wakes the tools up for their modesty challenge, and hands them all some really bitchin’ overalls. Mike informs us that he’s not the overalls type, and points out that he’s wearing a seven hundred dollar outfit

So to teach our boys the modesty that comes along with an honest days work, they’re gonna spend their afternoon as beet farmers. Yeah, nothing breeds modesty like being a beet farmer.

The point of the challenge is to see who can pick the most beets in two hours. Mike and Charm spend the whole time talking shit, which displeases the therapist. Joisey slacks off pretty hardcore, which doesn’t bode well for him considering how he wouldn’t look in the mirror during therapy. Mike and 1992 are busting ass, and it’s looking like it’s gonna come down to those two, with Fauxhawk possibly being a dark horse.

Back to the show. 1992: The Guy comes in second and Mike wins the challenge. The loser is Joisey, by over a thousand beets. Oh, you’re so going home tonight, dude.

For their “romantic” date, Vh1 has sprung for a fake drive-in movie, complete with champagne and popcorn.

The date starts out well, but they soon begin talking about how much he’s cheated on her. She asks him about a weekend he spent in Newport, and he admits to making out with some girl, but swears there was no sex. She’s pissed, but hey, she asked and he was honest, so she needs to maybe be happy that he’s willing to face the consequences of being truthful.

Back over in the ladies’ quarters, Leah and Kat are talking about how hard it is to be a stripper. Shannon gets all holier than thou talking about how strippers destroy families and guys cheat because of strippers. Dude, Shannon, shut up. The only thing a stripper is doing is taking your guy’s money. If dude wants to cheat he will find someone to cheat with, and it probably ain’t gonna be a stripper because the ones that are willing to perform sexual favors do not do so cheap. It’s a lot more economical to just buy some bitch with low self-esteem a bunch of drinks at a skeazy bar and get a blowjob in the parking lot.

Leah freaks out about the accusation, and talks about bustin’ Shannon in her fuckin’ face. Ahhh… we have now reached the point in Tool Academy where all the ladies turn on each other. Who had week three in the betting pool?

Leah and Shannon scream indecipherable things at each other while a crew member holds Leah back from hitting the skinny little white girl. Leah, honey, please don’t get your boyfriend kicked off the show. I’m totally rooting for him and it would make me sad.

So, with the bitch-fest over it’s now elimination time. The guys all sit down and they pan over all their worried faces before they begin announcing the winners.

The first names called are: Fauxhawk, Mike, 1992: The Guy, and Stew. Damn, poor Andre. What’s the boy have to do to make top of the class?

Next up are Domestic Dan, Andre, and Guyliner. They get their tool-badges and I still feel like Andre got a little ripped off.

That leaves Alpha John, Charm, and Joisey as our final three. John gets chastised for yelling at Sarah during therapy, but gets his badge since he came back to therapy and did the exercise. Both Charm and Joisey get yelled at for not doing the exercise, but in the end it’s Joisey going home.

All the other tools seem pretty pissed off that Charm is staying too. I don’t blame them.

It’s moment of truth time, and Joisey steps out to face his girlfriend.

He tells her he loves her and he wants to be with her. She tells him she loves him too, but she needs to work on herself, and she walks away. Joisey gets all defensive and says that he’s not a tool and that she was the one who should have been enrolled in Tool Academy because she was a bigger tool than he was.

Normally this would be the end of the show, but since the other guys are so pissed off that Charm is still there we get to see one more screaming match this week. Mike yells at him for having a shirt that says “I heart Charm.” Through the magic of black and white flashbacks we see that Charm, in fact, has at least three shirts that say “I heart Charm.”

1992: The Guy jumps in and starts screaming at him too, about not taking the academy seriously.

The other tools decide that Charm sucks, and they expel him from the barracks by moving his bed into the living room. And that brings an end to another exciting week here at Charm School… Oh wait, I mean Tool Academy. Sorry, the whole screaming and moving beds into the living room thing gave me flashbacks of the last show I had to recap.

So I didn’t realize until just now that I was neglecting to give out DQ points this week. Whoops. Oh well, I guess that means Charm is still in the lead and should be going home next week, and I’ll keep track of points when I recap the show that’s on tonight. So who are you guys pulling for? Does anyone else think that Andre is getting totally overlooked? Would anyone else really like to see Charm get his ass kicked? Tune in next week (and by next week I mean tomorrow) for more douchey excitement.