Tool Academy 2: Brought to you by DayQuil

Greetings Gasmii, my apologies for how far behind I’ve fallen on recapping the actions of our favorite misfit gang of douchenozzles. After an incredibly busy week of everything that could possibly go wrong going wrong, and just when I was all caught up and ready to dole out some much-needed snark, I got smacked upside the head with the flu. I don’t know if it’s Swine Flu, and frankly I’m not willing to go wait three hours at Urgent Care to find out, but it sucks. A lot. I’m on day five of feeling like I got run over by a truck full of mucus, but through the magic of DayQuil and Thera-flu I have worked myself into an upright position at the computer and am prepared to get you all caught up on the goings on at the Tool Academy. Don’t thank me, thank Acetaminophen, Dextromethorphan, and Phenylephrine.

Sooo… That whole week that I totally missed… Vh1 took it down. There’s no photos from it, there’s no full episode to watch, and there’s a little tiny paragraph-long recap of what happened. I watched the episode, but trying to remember details through this fog of influenza and OTC cold remedies is more than a little difficult. Here’s what sticks out in my mind though.

The tools were supposed to learn to appreciate their girlfriends, so in therapy they all had to pretend the girls were dead and go tell these coffins all the things they would want to have said to their girls. They cried a lot and apologized, except for Mike, who made jokes about his genitals. When the guys were done pouring their hearts out the caskets opened up and their girlfriends popped out, and they were totally alive so it was just a big fake-out.

Later, Vh1 decided it would somehow be beneficial and therapeutic for the tools to have to watch on camera as a bunch of “gentlemen” took the tools’ girls out on dates. The tools flipped and Alpha John got tackled by security and he ran down to rip the face off of whatever guy was taking his girl out. It was fairly amusing. There was a minor scuffle, although according to Vh1 is was the “First Ever Tool Academy Riot/Rebellion” but everyone calmed down and went inside to watch the dates.

Things were mostly uneventful… Guyliner’s girl actually tried to get her date’s number, which is a little fucked up, and Mike went running through a field crying and screaming or something. Yeah… Damn this Dayquil… I’m sure there was some reason for all of that and I just can’t remember.

Yeah, so anyway, Mike got sent home, which was no surprise to anyone at all, and I will now attempt to do a real recap of the next episode. I warn you now, I am really really really fucked up on cold meds.

A new day begins in Tool Academy, and what better way to begin the Maturity themed episode than with Stew and Alpha John having a farting contest.

So hey, it’s therapy time. Our tools learn that this week’s lesson will be on maturity, and that they’re all being sent into the future. A few choice douchebags start to look a little excited, like they’re waiting for a DeLorean to pull around to the front, but their hopes are dashed when they discover that this week Vh1 will be throwing them in a make-up chair and just making them LOOK really old, which is supposed to teach them… Anyone? I know I’m all high on Dayquil, but I’m totally missing what the point of this lesson could possibly be.

While the boys are getting their makeovers, the girls are brought in to the therapy room so they can whine about how immature their boyfriends are. Seriously ladies, stop whining and get new boyfriends. Either you love them for who they are or your relationship is destined for failure. I’m not saying to put up with infidelity or any of that sort of crap, but if your boyfriend likes to fart under the covers and then giggle about it for twenty minutes, well, either you giggle along or you storm out of the room all pissed off. No amount of training is going to convince him that his farts aren’t funny.

They start bringing in the Tools one by one, and Guyliner is up first:

Frank does some whining and crying about how no matter how much he works out and diets, he’s still gonna have to age eventually. Awww… Let’s all feel sorry for Frank and his very personal struggle with reality. Thank god we don’t all have to deal with the concept of time passing.

Stew is up next, and I think his makeover may actually be an improvement.

Stew and his girl talk about how Stew doesn’t work, and they both live with her parents. Dude, dump his ass now! I’m not a gold-digger by any means, and I’ve had girlfriends who were unemployed that I’ve helped out, but they were all TRYING to get jobs and help out, and NEVER were my parents supporting them. How do these guys get away with this crap? Either Stew is really good in bed, or his girl is so unbearable that no employed guy will put up with her.

1992 is up next, and I think Vh1 is kinda phoning in the makeovers here.

His girlfriend complains about him not wanting to grow up and marry her and make babies together. Same crap, different day.

Charm is up next, and I really wish those make-up artists would have done an age-progression on his genitals just to freak him out.

Charm’s girlfriend’s first comment is that he looks the best as an old man out of all the tools. Okay girlie, I’m on to you. I, too, have dated complete and utter wastes of oxygen based entirely on the fact that they were hot. It’s cool… We all do it sometimes. Don’t drag your waste of oxygen on T.V. and try and change him though. You’re shallow and you like having a good looking guy on your arm. When you’re ready for a real boyfriend you’ll find one. There’s no way in hell you’re gonna turn this guy into one though.

Domestic is up next, and he looks pretty much the same

Domestic’s girl is concerned about his infidelity, and Domestic wants a gold star for keeping his dick in his pants for almost a year now. Ummm… Good job, I guess…?

Andre is up next, and these Vh1 make-up artists aren’t really very skilled.

Leah says she’s worried about Dre not being a real daddy to her daughter, which could be because he’s NOT her daughter’s real daddy, but I see the point there. If he wants to be with someone forever he’s gonna have to step into those daddy shoes eventually.

Fauxhawk is our next tool to age “dramatically” and the hair is definitely an improvement

His girl is all sweet and says she doesn’t care what he looks like on the outside and she just needs him to treat her better and no matter how he ages she’ll love him. Faux ruins it all by whining a bunch about his girl getting a hand massage on her fake date the week before. Somebody call the Whaaaaaambulance.

Alpha is up last, and he looks more like he got a nerd makeover than an age progression

John’s girl is still just worried about his Alpha Male persona. Understandable, but he will always be Alpha John unless you take him on Intervention and get him off the ‘roids. Tool Academy is the wrong show for him.

After therapy we see the girls all sitting around being nice and having a conversation about their boyfriends, and generally supporting and befriending each other. We’re on week five here folks. If these bitches don’t beat the hell out of each other this week then you KNOW it’s on next week. You can’t lock that many skanky girls in a house together for that long without some implants getting punctured by some Lee Press On Nails.

Meanwhile, the guys have a dance-off in their old-guy gear. It’s not worth recapping.

The next morning, Alpha John wakes up to find some ants in his bed, so of course he breaks his bed in half. I totally understand. We had silverfish in my last apartment, so I just burned the place to the ground. Raid be damned!

It’s time for the maturity challenge, and see if you can follow me on the sheer irony here. First of all, our teams get color-coded, so this already looks like the opening round from Legend of the Hidden Temple or something.

Then they give them their challenge. Run across a pool of cornstarch and water while carrying eggs, and get as many across unbroken as possible before time runs out. If anyone is unclear on how this whole cornstarch/water thing works I highly recommend you watch Mythbusters. I learned about it in first grade, but I was homeschooled, so my classes were a little bit different. All you need to know is, if you run fast and hard it will stay solid and hold you up, but if you try and walk softly on it you will sink. I don’t have time to give you all a science lesson here. I do have time to further compare Vh1 to Nickelodeon though.

Annnnd… Okay, there’s a level in Legends of the Hidden Temple that looks just like this, but Google Images is letting me down today so I’m just gonna hope that you all remember. Here’s a good one though:

Fauxhawk is the only one who figures out the basic science behind not sinking, but he also forgets that these challenges are about being a good boyfriend, and gets way too competitive and is mean to his girl. Alpha John is ignoring that his girl is in pain, so we know he’ll be bottom two tonight.

1992′s Girl isn’t feeling good. Dre informs us that her eyes are kinda “Fluctuating.” Hahaha. The medics get called in, because 15 minutes of aerobic activity is a lot for a girl in her twenties.

1992 does a really good job of making concerned boyfriend face the whole time, so you know he’s in this week. They manage to get 2nd place anyway, but the winner is Fauxhawk.

So Fauxhawk and his girl get a nice romantic date, and guess what Fauxhawk wants to talk about the whole time? Yep, it’s the fact that his girl got a hand massage on her fake date the week before. I’m officially changing Fauxhawk’s name to Marsellus Wallace.

Their date mostly sucks, as they sit and eat and talk about how they don’t trust each other. Kinda makes running through all that slime seem not so worth it, huh?

So hey, it’s elimination time, and let’s take a brief pause from the stresses of the evening to ask ourselves a very important question:

1992′s Concerned Boyfriend Face has earned him the first merit badge and mad props from the therapist. Called up next are Charm, Andre, Guyliner, and Domestic Dan.

That leaves us with Alpha John, Stew, and Marsellus Wallace. Stew gets his badge despite being an unemployed loser, and the tool leaving us tonight is…. Alpha John. Awwww… I kinda liked him when he wasn’t ‘roid ragin’. Host guy drops the bomb that next week will be a double elimination. Guess they were counting on someone getting kicked out for fighting by now…

Alpha takes his expulsion pretty well, and goes out to face his girlfriend

He promises to try harder, tells the other ladies that it was nice meeting them, quotes Half-Baked, and leaves with his girl. Meh. Boring, but sweet.

With the token Alpha Male out of the house, all the other guys are competing to be the new Alpha. Charm and Guyliner yell in each others’ faces, Guyliner kicks a chair, Charm runs his mouth a bunch, and it basically devolves into “I know you are but what am I.” Awesome way to end maturity week.

So hey, that’s it. Sorry if my cold meds made this recap kinda lame. I should be off em in a day or two, so I’ll try and wait till Wednesday to recap tonight’s episode. That way I can do it with a clear head. XOXO. Gossip Girl.