Fidelity is definitely a thing we all need to understand in order to be in a relationship. Maybe. This week on Tool Academy (the most prestigious Tool School in the country) we explore what the word ‘fidelity’ means. Literally, we learn the definition, because these tools don’t know what it means.
Not with you!
BERRY!!!!! Get in here ya tool!!!
Okay. He’s back from boiling eggs.
Fran&Berry at your service. Let the tooling commence!!
‘REVELRY’ blares on the loudspeakers, RISE AND SHINE TOOLIOS!!!
We’re one tool down thanks to Chasyn’s walk out last week. But we’ve still got 9 tools to knock off their cheating and lying pedestals.
Shawn, the surfer tool, immediately tells us that he doesn’t want to be at Tool Academy and would rather be surfing and partying and drinking and banging sea-chicks. But he’s got a full scholarship!!
I’d rather be kissing a dolphin.
Jordan (not the tool-hating host, but the Boy Band Tool) gives a riveting speech about the double standard for women. It goes something like, if you are a man and sleep with 200 girls it’s good but if you’re a girl and sleep with 200 dudes it’s bad. Although he acknowledges that it’s a double standard he doesn’t seem to believe it, because he honestly things Jennavag is more of a slut than he is.
I like penises this big. And by that I mean clitorises.
As we previously stated this week’s focus is fidelity. Wait, isn’t every weeks focus fidelity on Tool Academy? Maybe so, but this week they can earn a badge if they don’t suck worst at it.
In therapy Trina tells everyone that she will be showing some shocking footage of the tools being tools. Shocking. We know. The tools and toilets voluntarily made home movies of themselves cheating on their mates. Voluntarily!! These Tools absolutely deserve everything that’s coming to them. Not to mention they have all of the hidden camera footage from the “Mr/Mrs. Awesome Cancun” fake reality show. These tools are so screwed, and not the tool way they’re used to.
First off we have Angelo/Dopey Dwarf and his way-too-cute-for-him girlfriend Dayna. Dopey just bragged about giving his girlfriend STD’s into a video camera! That’s not toolish, that’s evil. We’re convinced that he doesn’t know what a video camera is, or what an STD is. We now see Dopey make out with a fake dancer. SLAP!!
You give me the clap, I give you a slap.
He apologizes by bursting into tears and throwing out a “You complete me.” Hey, it worked for Tom Cruise, why shouldn’t it work for another creepy looking dwarf body builder?
Second up is Shawn and Emily. (or Surfer Tool and 3rd Olsen sister)
When Trina calls their names Shawn snaps awake, “Oh sh*t I forgot I’m on this show.” They watch his “shocking” footage and he smugly smiles at the TV.
I cheated good!
He is crazy proud of himself! He thinks he has a cute butt! His girlfriend asks him what he’s smiling about and he can’t even hear her because he’s hypnotized by his own charm. In the footage he gives a fake dancer his number. We’re assuming if a tool calls that number they’ll get the host Jordan and Jordan will verbally destroy said tool. To make matters worse for Emily Olsen, Shawn admits that he’s proud of himself. Trina tells him “NO! BAD DOG!” He don’t get it. She tells him to take this process seriously, but he doesn’t know what a process is.
Next we have Daniel and Lesley (glowsticker and hillbilly) His naughty footage reveals that he has probably slept with like four or five people while he’s been dating Lesley. He also reveals that he is into three way kissing. And who can blame him?
SHE NAILED HIM!!!! She beats him, flat out beats him! He cries and says that he was hoping she wouldn’t find out about his infidelity. Lesley says she’s embarrassed. She should be embarrassed, look at him!
Kevin (the “comedian”) and his wife Jermika have a go at therapy. The hidden camera shows Kevin telling the fake dancer what his wife/girlfriend doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her. Jermika drops her ring on the ground and leaves the room. She was planning on slapping him but two other girls stole her bit so she had to leave the room. We hear the audio of her begging the producers to “get him away from me, seriously get him away from me.” It sounds like she’s about to turn into the Hulk, “it’s happening it’s happening.” Her shirt starts to split.
Hulk smash tool!
Kevin pleads with her “If I just give up you’re gonna act like I don’t give a f***.” Nice, he’s obviously into observational comedy. When they return to the therapy room Kevin says Jermika, now Bruce Banner again, is next to perfect even though she nags a lot, but she’s not a ho so he loves her sorta. Now that’s a heartfelt apology.
Trina tells us that Jacob seems determined to show his body to anyone and everyone.
Jacob and Berry have the SAME BOXER BRIEFS!!!!!!!!!!! I knew it, Berry is a tool!!!
Boy Band Tool Jordan Shows us his undies too.
Lisa Frank thong
Jennevag grinds on a guy and her fake boyfriend, Kyle tries with all his might to cry. You can just hear his inner monologue “think about if my doggy died.” Filled with manufactured shame he shoves her off a stool. She responds by yelling “F*** you!” Honestly, Kyle’s never been so hurt in his life. Trina tells J-Vag that she needs to stop talking forever. When J-Vag talks she’s enabling Kyle to be boring and if they want their own spin off, he’s gonna have to grow some personality.
On to Nasty Courtney and her girlfriend, Chevon. Courtney takes no time getting her nasty ass all over a fake dancer, doing tequila body shots and flat out making out with her.
Horny like the wolf.
We want to make it clear right now: Two women kissing does not gross us out. Courtney kissing ANYONE grosses us out! I mean look at her! She’s COVERED in Ed Hardy! Her girlfriend Chevy was put to the levy and the levy was dry. So, she runs out of therapy, presumably for some whiskey and rye.
They stumbled onto the Charm School set!
Courtney tells Trina she has a serious problem, that she’s nasty. Chevy gives a riveting performance.
And the Oscar for “Best Shocked and Offended” goes to…..
Trina tells them today’s session has been “unbelievably ghastly.” And after a long hard emotional day of group couples therapy the best way to wind down is, of course, skinny dipping party! Dayna (Dopey’s girlfriend) leads all the ladies in a skinny dip to liberate themselves and shake off the unbelievable ghastliness.
Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away.
But their party is girl interrupted by Glowstick Lesley. She thinks that going skinny dipping isn’t helping their relationships and sorta lets them have it. For some reason.
Saint Lesley, Patron Saint of Modesty.
The fight continues into the house where Dayna tells Lesley that she is “bedazzled by her emotions on this.” She’s applied jewels to denim by her emotions? Lesley replies with what will surely become her catch phrase, “ya stupid BITCH!” And the two girls who slapped their boyfriends earlier that day, begin slapping each other. We cut away to Kyle hating his life.
The horn sounds off the next morning and host Jordan summons them all for their challenge. Jordan must get up really early to psych himself up to serve living hell to these tools.
Jordan will kill you all!
And today’s hell on Earth is to let out their anger and emotions through song. It worked for Fred Durst and he’s a giant tool! And the challenge is called…Tool-E-oke! (Like karaoke incase you’re as confused as we are.) So they have to write a song about their failing relationship, pick music, choreograph and wardrobe this performance. We see all the couples working together. Trina thinks J-Vag is letting Kyle talk for once but we know that she’s just thinking about her hair.
Boy Band Tool Jordan is really stoked about this challenge so he can use the song for his demo reel (seriously). Meanwhile his girlfriend Rachel is horrified that Tool Academy is indulging her bad song writing boyfriend.
Dopey is angry that Dayna went skinny dipping. Not sure why exactly, but he shakes his giant head at her he’s so disappointed. In the testimonial he says he can’t believe she did that because yeah, he cheated on her, but she went skinny dipping with her girl friends and “this isn’t an eye for an eye thing is it?” Cause if it is she’d have to give him a bunch of STD’s. Speaking of STD’s and the Tool Academy pool, just how much of their budget goes into bleach? I bet it comes in just below hair gel.
Emily Olsen tries to appeal to her Surfer boyfriend, “let’s think of a name.” He responds, “who cares.” We agree Shawn, it’s hard to care about naming a Tool-e-oke band when the ocean is calling to you. Honestly though, he doesn’t want to be on the show and he was proud of himself for cheating on her. If he’s not eliminated, this show is a bigger sham than Milli Vanilli. (Who I bet Boy Band Jordan would really love to get an in with.)
The main event. Tool-E-oke. Jordan threw a blazer over two collared shirts. Weird.
Bruce Wayne Wannabe
The judges of Tool-e-oke are Brian Dunkleman, formerly of American Idol (WAY formerly) and Carmit Bachar, formerly a Pussycat Doll. Both judges formerly did something I guess.
Kevin says that last week he was in the dog house, but this week he’s under a dog’s dog house. What? Does he think a dog has a pet dog who has it’s own house that lives underground beneath it? Oh, I get it! He’s doing that classic observational comedy! You comedians have such a funny take on everything! “Ya ever notice how a dog always has another dog living underneath the first dog’s dog house?” Classic.
He and Jermika’s band is called Reality and their song is “Gonna Make it Work.” She immediately forgets her lines, and she’s lucky this isn’t American Idol cause they throw your ass out for that on that show! But Kevin sees her struggle and bails her out. Aww, they had fun. Jordan asks the judges to judge. Wait, what kind of judging will we be doing on this? The bar will have to be set low, like a few feet underneath an underground dog house. The two ‘formerlys’ saw that they had fun and commend them. Brain Dunkleman is trying sooooo hard to be likable. He probably has a Ryan Seacrest fingernail clipping in a locket he wears next to his heart that he believes makes him more charming and host-like. It doesn’t.
Jacob and Christie’s band is called Baby Steps and their hit song is called “Blind.” Okay, if you thought it was impossible to make a former Pussycat Doll uncomfortable you were wrong! Baby Steps is freaking everyone out! Mainly because Jacob keeps screaming “The rain is taking all my sins away” as Christie faux baptizes him. Not to mention he’s dressed like homeless Michael Jackson and she’s dressed as a slutty sailor.
Let’s all baby step backwards as quickly as possible.
Can you believe it? Glowsticking Tool is glowsticking! Their name is Back 2 B 4 and their song is “Me 4 U.” They’re not using text speak to make a catchy title that’s just how they spell. She’s wearing a pimp hat and he’s wearing a hypercolor t-shirt, but they just brought that from home.
Tool and Kate + Fate perform the song “Stay True.” They decided to wear classic black, but to douche it up just enough he wears a piano tie.
Courtney and Chevy’s band is called Ripped and Torn (gross) singing “Broken,” the hymen rap.
Courtney’s dressed like Rosie O’Donnell playing a Pink Lady in Grease and she’s painted a giant neon pink heart tattoo on her throat. Cuz nothing says fidelity like a neck tat. Trina is very proud of her.
Since Jennavag wears the pants in the relationship her and Kyle are cross-dressing for their number! We didn’t think Kyle could do anything more emasculating but he proved us wrong! They win best band name with Back Door Entrance = No Babies and their song is called “Relieve.” That is a relief! Because if they had babies, they’d have to make a show called Tool Academy Jr. staring J-Vag and Kyle’s kid and Pearl from The Landlord.
Emily Olsen ended up calling their band River Rats (because Surfer Shawn didn’t care) and they sing the song “Please Forgive Me.” Well, they don’t sing as much as they do the robot until their time is up. Even Brian Dunkleman was embarrassed for them. Burn.
HERE IT IS!! The moment we’ve all been waiting for, JORDAN THE BOY BAND TOOL will now shine beyond all other tools and prove his worth, his passion, and somehow win over his girlfriend, Trina and the two ‘formerly’ judges. They’re called Backstreet Boy and Girl and they’re sining “80 Seconds 2 Salvation.” OMG this is it! But wait, it’s hard to hear his amazing song when he’s wearing pirate boots fishnets her underwear. Which is good, because the song absolutely sucks. We mean, totally.
Angelo (Dopey) and Dayna (skinnydipper) connect to make DNA Connected as One! With the song “Enuf is Enuf.” Not to be confused with the 1990′s power pop band Enuff Z’Nuff. They dress all punk and punk out, which I didn’t expect from their band name. I thought the song would be more like “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” from The Lion King.
The judges decide the winner (based on what the producers tell them to say) and it’s Kevin and Jermika!!!
Formerly Tool-e-oke Judges.
Kevin and Jermika win a camping date. How sexy, a tent! Kevin testifies that he really wants her to know that he’s trying not to be a tool but he’s hoping for a shot a’ ass! If he needs a shot, he should try and hook up with the twin nurses from last week. Kevin tells Jermika his “under the dog house” joke. He must really connect with that analogy.
And now a short docudrama teleplay:
Kevin tries to feel up Jermika’s tutu.
Kevin: I just wanna feel your butt.
Jermika: Kevin I’m not playing.
Kevin: I just need to touch it.
Kevin: I just-
Fade out to the Tool Academy sky.
Elimination time! Jacob is still trying to get rid of Jennavag because he wants to have sex with her so bad. She just thinks he’s insecure, so insecure in fact that he’s wearing pink feathers on his shoulders.
Pumping iron so he doesn’t accidentally rape her.
Trina has to review her official therapist yearbook to decide who is off’d.
I’m writing in your crack.
Jordan says fidelity is a particularly hard week for all them. Yes, agreed.
Quote of the week: Boy Band Tool says, “Hind sight is 20/20, I should have put a pair of pants on.”
The tools approach Trina and Jordan. They’re kind of like dogs, they can sense they’re in trouble, but don’t understand people words. They just know when they get their treat (a fidelity badge) they can go back underground to their underground dog house.
Boy Band Tool Jordan says since he didn’t get eliminated this week he’s getting rid of all the thongs and ladies underwear that he brought with him. Because that chapter of his life is now closed.
Down to 3 tools. The anticipation is killing us! Shawn, Dopey, and Jennavag are up on the chopping block. If Jennavag gets eliminated Kyle will have to put his foot down and leave her. Which wouldn’t be that hard, since they’re not dating and just trying to be on TV and hopefully win some cash. Jordan says, “Angelo, please step forward and accept a fidelity badge.” Suddenly he grabs Angelo’s collar, “but you listen to me you little sh*t, if I EVER see you up on this chopping block again I will tear your tool off your tool and haunt your dreams, I will destroy your life like you destroyed your girlfriends I will come down on you like Dante’s inferno! You will be sorry! Jordan always gets his tool.” Okay, that last bit was our Tool Academy fan fiction, sorry, Fran got carried away.
Jennavag gets her badge too, so she’s staying on another week, possibly to hook up with Jacob? That means Shawn is just a tool, he acts weird and leaves. Meanwhile outside, Emily says if he gets eliminated she’s leaving him because she’s young, she has a lot going for her doesn’t need to waste time on someone who doesn’t care about her. You go girl! If your boyfriend walks out of them doors you stand your ground and tell him what the score is!! Surfer Shawn walks out. Emily is shocked. For realsies. She joins him on the stage, puts her tail between her legs and her foot in her mouth and quietly says, “let’s go home.”
Misery loves company.
Next time on Tool Academy: Angelo’s family secrets are revealed. He’s a dwarf! We knew it! Plus Tool Academy explodes! It explodes!?! With what? STD’s? Semen? The Hulk? Fireballs? We hope fireballs!