Tool Academy 3: Double Feature Part II

It’s back to back today! A Tool Academy Double Feature. There was no new Tool Academy last week, maybe because there can only be one “Academy” show on in a day or people’s DVR’s go crazy. Although I would like to see someone who thought they were taping the Oscars and got Tool Academy. “Hmmm..that Ben Kingsley sure does cry a lot.”

Either way, that gives us double the Tool Academy pleasure this week, or pain depending on how you look at it.

This week’s lesson is “Therapy Gets Personal.” Hooray! Finally a chance for the Tools and their partners to say what’s on their mind and openly bitch about people. It must have been so hard on them bottling it all up every week. Oh wait, except they don’t. They bitch and scream and throw water and tomatoes at each other already. Now they get to do it in front of Trina with off-camera security guards that are expecting it. They are like kids in a candy store, who were already allowed to eat as much candy as they want. So, um, I guess we’ll just get to watch them eat more candy. Yum!

So the lesbians are gone, I guess they had an audition for something. Or there is a challenge coming up where VH1 thought it would be “weird.”
Everyone is happy that Courtney is gone and they sit around taking about who is the most “realest” and how to properly tan. Ironic? Not in in the Tool Academy house!

Kevin also tries to explain that tanning makes you more feminine while smothering your softer friendly side inside. …..? Your guess is as good as mine.

Therapy time!
Tommy says, ” I can’t stand the damn therapy sessions. How do you feel. Let your anger out.” He doesn’t like that. Trina must not understand that the point of being an alcoholic is to numb your emotions.

Oh, so I guess the lesson is not “bitchfest,” it’s “Maturity.” Same difference. JennaVag knows she’s screwed. And not just because she’s a serious ho.
Trina says she has created an exercise. A Tool Academy yearbook with Superlatives! Best Dressed, Most Immature, Hair That Looks Most Like Pubes.
Christie is most excited to talk smack, boy does she have a lot to say! Did you know everyone sucks but her? It’s true.
Jennavag has some issues deciphering what “Least” means. She is constantly creating riddles in her own brain. She’s like the Mad Hatter except instead of having gone mad from lead lining inside a hat, she’s gone mad from STD’s.

Jordan is the first one smart enough to pick himself for something that isn’t a good thing. Smart move. He agrees he is the ‘least likely to support his partner.’ IN BED! Oh man, that game works for anything.

So they finish gluing their pictures onto pages. They couldn’t write the names because they can’t be trusted with anything sharp. Also, they can’t write.
They bring them into Trina and they are rarin’ to get bitchin!

Kevin says he picked Jordan to be least likely to support his partner because Jordan ain’t got no job. Insightful. But hey, he said he’s not 29 without a job, he’s 23 without a job, so get off his back!

The Couple that talks the most trash is….Jacob/Animal and Christie. Everyone pretty much agrees, but those who say they aren’t intimidated by him (KEVIN!) get yelled at until they acquiesce. And he’s not being a bully!!!!! His logic makes my brain hurt. Having muppet fluff instead of a brain must come in very handy for him.

It also comes out that Angelo is fake. Kevin says he’s a very different person behind closed doors and he is just crying for Trina. If that’s true somebody hand Dopey an Oscar, because that boy is goooooood!

Next up is the Tool most likely to be all talk and no action…..BITCHFEST!!!! Dana and Christie have it out with more eye rolling than a glass eye factory in an earthquake (good one right? YEAH!)

Moving on to…Most Likely to Succeed. JK! No one really wins that at Tool Academy. It’s The Couple most deserving to be eliminated…..and the winner is….Kevin. All of the sudden a lot of crap comes out between Kevin and Angelo. Kevin ends the conversation with, I don’t give a f*uck if y’all two split up or not.” For some reason that’s shocking. It’s not. Trina says we’re all learning. We’re not.

Biggest Class Clown goes to…Tommy. I think they confused Alcoholic with funny. As usual! Tommy comes from a long tradition of “comedians” like WC Fields, Dean Martin and that homeless guy who lives in my parking garage.

Tommy is not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing that he won. Geeze, do I have to tell you Tools everything?! It’s not.
Tommy says he understands his drinking is a problem and reveals he goes to AA meetings. Which may not be working since he is constantly hammered on every episode. It’s also weird that his girlfriend seems surprised by this. So Trina, being the talented therapist she is calls out that the fact that we have touched on a larger issue here. And that argument is good for a healthy relationship. Whoa! I think you missed a segway somewhere in there Trina!

No time to talk about how Tommy’s addiction could be a serious problem though because we have to move to….therapy being over! Yup, that’s it! And the always “hilarious” Tommy asks Trina to sign his yearbook just to add a little salt to the wound. If only he would have puked halfway through the sentence. I think that would have made a nice point.

Back to women’s chambers. While eating Kate outshines Trina by making the decision that Trina should have made for them. Tommy has a drinking problem and Tool Academy is not the answer. Wow, you go girl! Good for you. Kate says she wants this to be her last night in Tool Academy.

The next morning we chill with the boys in their awesome kitchen that I would kill for that they never use for more than buttering bread. Apparently Kevin and Animal have formed a bond and Dopey is on the outs. Animal says the best thing Dopey can do is to stay away from him. Agreed! If only the sluts knew that. And his girlfriend. Thanks to Trina’s brilliant therapy for everyone to hate each other out in the open, everyone is not hating each other out in the open. And what comes next? Well, this is VH1, so a fight! Dopey and Animal are manboob to manboob shouting their hot Miller Lite breath all over each other. They beg each other to stop so they don’t get physical! Please, dude!

Animal shouts, “you’re dead to me” but Dopey says he’s not letting it get to him. But then Animal goes for the soul, calling him a “Fake-ass Bandana wearing bitch.” BOOM! He’s down for the count. Ouch. Right in the achilles heel of Tools, their bandanas. I can’t even imagine how bad it would have hurt if Animal was not also wearing a bandana when he said it. Which he was.

So JennaVag comes back to her room and “oh no!” She starts freaking out. It’s like somebody barfed in her bed. What could it be? I’ll tell you..it’s layed out khaki’s and a sweater vest. Totally justified, right? Totally.
The boys and JennaVag get dressed and Kevin says he looks like Carlton from the Fresh Prince and for the first time in Tool Academy 3, I crack a smile because of something “The Comedian” says. It’s a miracle.

The Tools report to class for their Maturity lesson and JennaVag says she hates intellectual bullsh*t. Which begs the question, how much does she think her intellect is going to be tested at VH1′s Tool Academy? More than she’s used to? Sure. But probably not math and geography. Unless the question is, how many people have gone downtown? Answer: All of ‘em y’all!!!!!!

They get to the classroom, AKA The Charm School set, and there is a Jesse James wanna-be who sounds exactly like Hank Hill, waiting for them. Hank welcomes them to Tool Finance 101. They are ordered to “write that down,” you know, just to prove they know which end of a pencil makes the marks happen. Apparently, their teacher is a best selling author on finance. Tommy says he thinks he has read one of this guys books. He’s mistaken. This guy’s books have words.

Hank Hill keeps telling them to “write it down” no matter what. And nothing is too stupid or too simple for these tools to have to “write it down.” Can’t wait for when he gets his own own VH1 show where he can say, “Sorry, you didn’t write it down well enough. You’ve been “Erased”.”

We watch old tape of the Tools saying how they would spend the money. Dopey says he would absolutely wipe his ass with it, just to say he has. I think even his toilet paper is thankful to not have to get near his diseased crotch again. Write it down.
Kevin finds it very amusing, he might just steal it for his comedy bits.
JennaVag says she would either buy a house or open up a cannabis club in Las Vegas. Whoa! Whoa whoa! I can’t believe it! JennaVag knows what that word cannabis means? I wouldn’t say this to most people, but seriously, good for you.
The teacher reminds her it’s not legal. And that’s the end of that dream.
Kevin says with money he would act like a damn fool. So, the same as now? BURN!!! Write it down!

Tool Jordan says he is gonna hide his winnings from his girlfriend and Animal tells Hank HIll spends $200 on tanning a month. He’s saying that Hank has to get spray tanned.
He says that they spend their stuff on “stupid.” He tells them to write it down. Class is over. Write it down.

Next, the Tools report to the “treasury” for their challenge, that’s set up like a game show. Host Jordan is dressed like a tool.

Animal says he wants to win the date with his girl because they haven’t been able to go on a date yet. And he’s looking forward to it, “so he can make a little deposit.” Ohhhh…I get it. He’s using banking terms to go along with the exercise to make a joke about how he wants to get his girlfriend pregnant because he really wants to be a dad. Funny.

The point is to count three sums of money, rent, food and car payment from a stack of singles and change in front of them. One of the Tools makes a stripper comment about the singles before I can even think of it. Honestly, I don’t even know which one it was, all the Tools just kind of run together sometimes.

Trina’s watching to see who does the challenge maturely. The winner gets to go on a maturity date and they get to keep the maturity money. To blow on the stupid things they said before. Write that down. Kate, Tommy’s girl is so defeated. She knows he’s a drunk and is actually willing to give up the possibility of $10,000 or even the maturity money right in front of her because she doesn’t want to even try to make it work with Tommy. Good for her. I actually feel bad for her, this girl has real feelings. This is a tough spot to be in and she had to make a tough decision. She walks away from the challenge. Tommy assumes that someone passed away or she’s pregnant.
Seriously. He has no idea that it has anything to do with him.
Tommy and Kate have a heart to heart on a bench.

?

Tommy says he has 3 DUIs but it’s not a drinking problem it’s a shitty moment in your life. He legally has to go to AA.
Ouch, shit just got real. I thought I was watching Tool Academy, not Intervention. Let’s get back to idiots trying to count pennies!

Kevin says counting money is one of his favorite hobbies, so this is perfect for him. I would love to see Kevin go on Jeopardy. Alex would say, “So, Kevin, I hear you have an interesting hobby.” And Kevin would say, “Yeah, Alex. I love counting money! Gimme money, so I can count it!” And Alex would say, “Write that down.”
Meanwhile, the other tools are counting money, which is proving to be very hard. Animal says he is used to using his girlfriend’s check card. Um, is that like a debt card? I’ve never heard of a check card. It sounds like some fake term his parents made up that he still uses. Kind of like how I still call parmesan cheese, sprinkle cheese. DON’T write that down! It’s embarrassing.
So the Tools are moving along, now counting rent which is $823.42. Damn, where do these tools live? Fargo? That better be a studio apartment. I want rent that cheap, and that odd an amount.
Some of the Tools are having trouble counting. Obviously. Tool Jordan doesn’t think they are gonna win so he wants to sit on the ground and make out.
JennaVag and her boy toy get done first. They miscounted. So Dopey and Dayna win. Hooray? Whatever.
Kevin thinks it’s right that they win the money so they can get some medicine for their STD’s. He’s turning into one angry comic.
Animal is so pissed he flips off the camera man. I still don’t think he understands what those guys are doing there. I think he assumes they are just guys who follow them around because he’s cool and have weirdly shaped boomboxes on their shoulders that they never play.

Dopey and Dayna go on a fancy date in a limo. He rubs it in everyone’s face. Classy. Then in the limo he complains that no one talks to him in the house. Duh. He says that he’s sorry that he made the STD comment because it’s hurting her. For their date he’s dressed in a suit and for some reason, in a suit, he looks like a total slimeball. I kinda liked this guy when he was wearing a wifebeater, or even in his lame Blind Mellon hat. But in a suit he looks like a real douche. He looks sleazy and everything he says sounds like a dirty lie. Hmm…strange. Anyway, they go on a date in a room with cabinets and red lighting. It’s especially off-putting because Dayna thinks he’s more sincere now. Maybe it’s because he looks like a criminal dressed in a suit when he goes to court. You know it’s just not him. Also, he hair is starting to poof out in a mini-mohawk and it’s very off-putting.

Back at the house Trina and Tommy and Kate have their own style date. A therapy date. Kate tells Tommy that he parties too much and that they should separate when they get home for a while. Trina asks if he has anything to say to her, Tommy says there is somebody else. LAME! I bet Kate wishes she could take her giant butterfly ring and fly away. Tommy slept with someone else and he thought the right moment to tell Kate was when she was saying that she wants to step back. Tommy doesn’t get why he’s wrong. Kate has had enough and calls it quits. I wish i could say this looked like a wake up call for Tommy, but of course it didn’t. Instead as he leaves the house with his luggage, he stops at the steps and throws his hands up exclaiming, “I’m Single!” like he was at the front of the Titanic. He said there’s a little tool in all of them. He said he don’t think he’s a fully Tool, maybe just a “TO,” So, does that mean he has an erection problem or just a small dick? Probably both.

Back in her “office” Trina goes through her highly photoshopped tool workbook. Trina said she wouldn’t have eliminated Tommy. She’s out for blood, another tool’s blood. Write that down.

At elimination, Jordan Tool admits to the camera that he has gas. He tries to hold it in but he just can’t. He farts. Maturity week my ass.

There are 5 tools and 4 badges. Animal said on the way in he looked at the badge box and was hoping to see 5 badges, since Tommy left. He thought maybe this week was going to be a freebee. Really, Animal? You thought they would still make you dress up and come to elimination and stand there in front of Host Jordan and Trina and then all get handed badges? Do you know how TV shows work? Also, there is NO WAY that Jordan would show up without being able to tell a Tool that he’s just a Tool. He doesn’t get paid to do this show, he does it because he just loves kicking out Tools, it’s what he does. He has to do it, or someone dies. Write that down.

Trina says there’s no question in her mind who the least mature is. Really? Because we have absolutely no idea who is the least mature. The guy that farted? The guy who started fights throughout the entire episode, the girl who is scared of intellect? The unfunny comedian? They all deserve to go home.

JennaVag gets her badge first, then she confesses she’s gonna party tonight! Come on!!!!!! Kevin gets his badge next. He’s 3 badges away from 100,000 dollars!
Dopey gets his. He’s VERY proud of himself. Animal and Tool Jordan are up next.
Jordan Host says, “Two Tools Before Us,” which I can only imagine is the first line to his Tool Themed poetry. I bet it’s free verse. And LONG!

Trina reminds them that Tool Jordan gave up on the challenge, and Animal is too aggressive to Dopey.

Outside, their partners wait. All the girls are dressed up nice, but Kyle is wearing shitty jeans and white Champion sneakers. Dude, put on a sports coat. Don’t you feel at least a little out of place looking like you just came from the gym next to these ladies who are obviously dressed fancier than they ever have been in their lives? I guess you have to be pretty oblivious to be dating JennaVag though.

Back to Host Jordan, handing out the last badge to…ANIMAL!?!? ANIMAL GOT THE BADGE!?!? NOO!! AN-NI-MAL! AN-NI-MAL!!! DDRRRUUMMS!!!!
It’s times like this that the producers really piss me off. I guess Animal is more exciting for the show, but I also hate him.
I mean, they could have at least made Jordan Tool look worse in the episode. I bet it wouldn’t have been hard to do. Not being good at counting and farting once (and I’m sure that sound effect was added later, too.) is not a good enough reason to be out instead of roid-raging Animal.

But, the decision has been made and Trina won’t take my calls. So, Tool Jordan is just a tool. Host Jordan had to say,”Jordan you’re just a tool.” That killed Host Jordan inside to use his own name. KILLED HIM! It was like he was saying it to himself, with years of his Tool past coming flooding back. I’m proud of him for not breaking down.
I’m sure him and Trina had to have an emergency session afterwards. A sexy, emergency session! Write that down, in picture form. Then mail it to me!

In his exit interview Tool Jordan says he stills wants to go to the gym and tan, but maybe not as much. He decides he needs to find a good-looking/mature balance. Wow, he’s really learned something. Jordan, write that down. Now burn that paper and eat the ashes so no-one sees how much of a complete douche you are. Oops, you said it on camera for national television, too late.

Rachel thinks Tool Jordan is changing, but she doesn’t know if she should go home with him. More so, she knows she is going to get in the limo with him, but it trying so hard to make it look like she’s not a complete idiot on camera for doing it. Tool Jordan is NOT making it easy on her. She asks him what happened and he isn’t quite sure.
She asks him what changes he is going to make and he says he’ll go to the gym and tanning booth a little less cause he wants to be with her.
You can see her shooting hate thoughts at him saying, “Just say ONE nice thing so I can justify getting in the car with you, you stupid A-Hole!!!” Tool Jordan is not biting. So, she just gives up and gets in the damn car with him anyway. Heck, who doesn’t want to ride in a limo!

Inside, Jordan reveals he learned a lot, like what not to wear. Number one of things not to wear: crosses. They both agree that when they get home, no more crosses! Umm…good? And the first thing he’s going to do when he gets home?…Get his eyebrows threaded! Yup, he surely is, Just a Tool. Write that down.