Tool Academy 3: Double Feature Part I

Today on Tool Academy: fake weddings and fake wedding dresses, grocery store antics and the dreaded……….

Roll out the sh*t stained aisle runner, let’s get fake tool married!Animal Jacob is excited because they are down to 7 tools. Wait, Animal can count!

Boy Band Tool Jordan: “Question: do you make more noise in the gym, or in the bed?” Ah, the ultimate tool philosophical query. It’s the tool equivalent to ‘if a tree falls and there’s nobody there etc. etc.’
The correct answer, the bed. Tool Jordan is all hot and bothered this morning because of his hard on. He says hard on like four times. He has never gone this long without sex and bouncing on his exercise ball is NOT doing the trick.

The tools head to therapy and they are shocked to see that their partners are not there! What has Trina got up her sleeveless blouse this time? Appreciation. That’s what they have to learn the definition of this week, appreciation. Or Appreeseeashun as Trina says it. This was not welcome news to JennaVag who exclaims, “oh my gosh, I’m freaking out! How do you learn to appreciate somebody?!” That would be a very good question if the somebody in question was in fact JennaVag.

Trina tells them that she’s going to put them in a situation where they are confronted with loosing their partner for good. Dopey Angelo is already in tears.

Tool Jordan is first. He enters the classroom which is all decked out like a purple Las Vegas wedding chapel, complete with a fake priest! Trina tells him that his partner is getting married. Tool Jordan catches on quickly, “she’s not getting married to me.” Tool Jordan starts to freak a little, we can only assume he’s embarrassed that he didn’t see the registry or bring a card with some money. His partner, Rachel steps out in a wedding dress accompanied by a fake groom. Tool Jordan starts violently shaking, probably because of his hard on. Jordan admits “I’m trembling, my leg was shaking, my arms were shaking, I had to take my Michael Jackson glove off.” Wow, that’s serious. He jumps up and tells her that his biggest fear is loosing her to someone else, he doesn’t need the tanning, he doesn’t need to be eating every two hours, he needs her. Step aside Shakespeare, Tool Jordan knows how to smooth talk his way through this one. Maybe those will be lyrics to his hit song no one will ever hear.

Animal Jacob’s turn.

Christie thinks Animal isn’t gonna be able to do this and she’s she’s right. He immediately gets up and joins her at the altar, big bad wolf style, he whispers “where you going? what are you doing?” into her veil. It’s super creepy. Like mega creepy. We don’t think he realizes that this is an exercise. He thinks she is actually getting married. It’s like some sort of object permanence problem. Maybe that’s why he’s such a tool in the first place, when his girlfriend isn’t in the room, he literally forgets that she exists! Trina tells him to sit down, standing at the alter with her is not his position. He’s no fool, he says, he’s not gonna sit there and let her get married to somebody. He admits to us that he wants to break the fake grooms nose and eye socket. Ouch. Christie asks for security to take him away, you know, a normal thing for a girlfriend to say about her boyfriend. The fake priest says please join hands, Animal has had enough, he jumps up and goes at the fake groom. Animal is gonna mess him up. Can you imagine the training the fake grooms have to go through in order to be on this show. Rule 1: Don’t move, tools can’t see you if you don’t move. Rule 2: If they get a hold of your eye socket, go limp and pretend you’re dead until they release you. Rule 3: Stop, drop, and roll out of the building.

The fake groom’s fake vows go a little something like this, “I promise to spend more time with you and less time at the gym.” Awwwww! Those were OUR vows! Animal jumps back up and calls the fake priest a f***ing jerk and for some reason Christie is impressed with him because he got teary eyed. Trina says it’s a success too. Okaaaaaaay?

Dopey’s turn. 100,000 bucks says he cries. He does, pay up Berry! Dopey also says something about how he doesn’t want to be like Al Bundy. I think that’s a whole other issue!

We glaze over JennaVag who says her heart was beating so fast, it was like she was coked up, like earlier that day.

Tool Tommy’s girlfriend Kate wants Tommy to not be distracted during important times HOLY SHIT A MOUSE!!!!!!! A mouse crawls out from the pew and Tommy jumps in the air and flips out! I guess it makes sense that there is a mouse loose in the Tool Academy house, I cannot imagine that those dudes pick up after themselves. And by dudes I mean the VH1 crew.

Did we mention that Tommy is wearing a rosary? Stylish. Tommy takes a minute to recover from the mouse and says that he’s “okay now so let’s get back to this sh*t.” Charming.

We see a flash of Courtney being sad and dumpy.

Kevin the Comedian is taking it particularly hard, maybe because he and Jermika are already married. This fake groom says,”You are so beautiful, I don’t think you know how much you mean to me, I love you so much, I will put you above my career.” Kevin has had enough, he tells the fake Denzel wannabe groom to step aside.

He tells Jermika that she’s never marrying anyone else unless they are divorced and he’s dead. He said she doesn’t need a fancy highfalutin wedding like this one (in the rat infested class room of Tool Academy) because they got married in her mom’s kitchen. At that a fog horn sound effect blares. They did a fog horn sound effect over Trina making a shocked face, sorta looked like Trina ripped a big one.

Challenge Time!
All the tools are trying to be overly appreciative. I think Host Jordan is wearing the same V-neck sweater from last week. Well, I guess he already got Tool stank on it so he can’t wear it out anymore anyways.
The challenge is that the tools have to cook dinner for their partners for a dinner party. They go shopping in a Tool Academy creepy perv white van. They arrive at How’s grocery store. I don’t think these people have EVER been to a grocery store before ever!

They are weight lifting gourds, drinking milk out of the carton, riding shopping carts, knocking rice-a-roni on the floor, shot-gunning beers, throwing paper towels at Dopey’s balls, WHAT!?! Some poor How’s employee who makes minimum wage is gonna have to purell the whole damn place. Animal says that to impress his lady Christie he’s getting Salmon, asparagus, and mushrooms which is the first meal they had…………after they had sex for the first time. Gross. JennaVag is getting shrimp because she and Kyle just lay in bed and eat shrimp. Double dog gross. Courtney is going for chicken marsala from some reason or another.

Later in the kitchen they are cooking and drinking. Especially Tommy, he’s like sucking a wine bottle like a hamster bottle.

Angelo is wearing a chefs hat, he looks even more like Dopey than ever! Kevin is making lasagna in a pot. Weird. This is no Top Chef ladies and gentlemen, this is full on Hell’s Ass’s Kitchen.

Time for dinner. I would not want to eat any of that nasty tool food, but the partners have no problem digging in. Rachel (Tool Jordan’s girl) says, “I have never been more stuffed, this is like a Jewish Hanukkah.” Kevin’s pot lasagna has american cheese melted on top. American Lasagna. AHAHAHAHALOLOLOL!!! What a kidder! Kevin admits that he is just thinking about what he’s gonna do to Jermika’s ass. Thankfully he doesn’t get into it with us watching. Descriptions or the ass.

Tommy is hammered. He’s off the chain right now. Crazy drunk, more drunk than I get when we have to spend Christmas at Berry’s parent’s house. Courtney is showing a lot of affection towards Cheron. Except she has confused affection with being horny. She keeps trying to feel her up. Cheron is all, “no.” But Courtney won’t let up, she’s got her clammy pasty paws all over her! Animal is even more grossed out about it than we are.

Host Jordan says they are going to rank their favorite dishes on a scale of 1 to Rank. Dopey won! He bites his hand when he hears “conjugal room.” He thinks he’s gonna get laid. What a tool.

Later in the Villa, or the lady lair, the girls all think Christie is starting trouble by getting Kyle to tell her things and then telling Animal those things which is causing animosity? Ya, it’s confusing. They put the debate on hold until Dayna returns from not having sex with Dopey Dwarf. We see some footage of Dopey and Dayna making out and her telling him he’s not getting any.

When she returns, Dayna confronts Christie. There is some argument over their boyfriends. Christie says “don’t blame me because your boyfriend sticks his dick in **************.” You’d think that wouldn’t be much of an insult here. Not totally clear on what they are fighting about but they sure do hate each other.

Tommy is getting really weird. Like crazy. He’s like humping his bed and talking nonsense. He’s a crazy homeless person.

The chick fight escalates to Dayna throwing water on Christie then Christie throws a…………TOMATO!!!!! So much food wasting in this episode. Makes me and Berry sad since we have to eat Tuna Helper from the 99 cent store.

Elimination time! Enter Host Jordan and Trina. Trina is sporting some black and gold thing from my grandma’s give away pile. They let Dopey, Animal and Tool Jordan off easy. JennaVag and Tommy, are called up next, Trina is skeptical of them but they pass. Again, she let them of really easy. We thought for sure Tommy would be kicked to the curb this week. He’s been drinking non-stop the whole episode! And come on, this is Tool Academy not Rock of Love Bus, you can’t just drink all day here! Tommy’s confessional tells us that he is “not stressed about elimination anymore so he’s gonna get drunk.” How is this kid still here!?

Okay wow, it’s down to Kevin and Courtney. Courtney and Kevin are being punished for their horniness, and they are not even the ones who had the hard on in the beginning of the episode. Kevin is angry that Courtney is standing next to him breathing like a rhino. Trina reminds us that Kevin doesn’t take this process seriously and Courtney is needy, not appreciative.

Drumroll………Courtney is just a tool! Wow! Honestly, we didn’t see that coming. Courtney didn’t like it when Jordan called her a tool, but she owns up to being a tool, sort of. She walks out, Cheron hugs her lady buddies good bye. Christie rubs her hands in excitement. “1 bitch down 3 to go.” Man, Christie is getting bitch-ay! She’s like an evil amazon Minnie Driver, and Minnie Driver is already pretty amazony.

Courtney and Cheron have a Tool Academy Award winning moment on the decision platform. Verdict: Cheron is leaving her. Courtney says to the other ladies, “thank you guys for being her support but I’m not going to let her go that easy.” She takes off her shoes to run after the limo but she throws her shoes right into the crowd of ladies, knocking Dayna and Kate (Tommy Tool’s girl) right in the head! Christie is thrilled.

Courtney hobbles after the limo. Sorta yelling for Cheron to come back, sorta saying she’ll go to therapy everyday, being really half-assed, and really, really dumpy. Sad face. Goodnight Lesbian Toilet. You may have broken Tool gender barriers but you did not break your way into our hearts and therefore, we cannot appreciate you. I said good day sir!

Stay Tuned for Tool Academy Double Feature Part II: Maturity!