Tool Academy 3: Just Trust Me Bitch!

Fran and Berry at your service for another episode of Tool Academy 3. Wow, Berry and I cannot believe that there are only four tools left! After this week, there will only be three! Now we know what it’s like when your child is a senior in high school, and he’s about to go off to college with his slutty girlfriend that he mistreats and maybe she deserves it, but he still shouldn’t cheat on her. Ah, I’m getting all misty eyed! Berry’s right, let’s enjoy these last weeks while we can.

This week on Tool Academy, “she’s basically a human lie detector test.”
TA must have seen finally seen an episode of Lie To Me, that or the VH1 polygraph guy was already booked to do Frank the Entertainer in the Basement. Honestly you guys, whenever any reality show does a lie detection episode it’s always the same old white dude. Berry and I are thinking about buying a polygraph so that we can rent ourselves out to (fingers crossed) More More to Love!

We begin with Kevin complaining about how TA is serious business! He commiserates with Animal as they make their own breakfast. Kevin admits that he doesn’t know how to iron clothes and cook breakfast. That’s why I have Berry, OMG, AM I A TOOL?! Nah, I don’t have enough bandanas. In the background, Dopey is walking around the kitchen in tears for no reason. Animal confesses that therapy works, but he’s clearly lying. Good thing there’s a lie detector here!

Speaking of the lie detector, she’s in the VIlla, AKA the Lady Lair. Berry never noticed that the ladies live in another house before. He’s freaking out, “where are they?” Trina introduces the girls to Dr. Glass, or as I will now call her: Lie to She. Trina tells the girls (and Kyle) that Lie to She is going to grill the tools because you know they are still hiding super huge secrets.

We head over to therapy and Trina breaks it to them that the lesson today is TRUST. At that Animal huffs and rolls his eyes. She tells them straight up, she’s gonna ask them questions that their partners wrote and they will be using something more effective than a polygraph (translation Dr. Glass gives Tool Group discounts).

JennaVag, Dopey and Kevin are freaking out! Oh they are hiding something, it doesn’t take a Lie to She to see that! Animal seems calm, he’s just lounging, combing through his greasy hair with his bear hands. Kevin “hates these mind games.” And JennaVag is “gonna be honest, even if it f*cks her.” And she’s really hoping it f*cks her. Kevin is soooooo nervous he tries to eat his wedding ring.

Kevin is first up to bat. Question from Jermika is: What are you doing on the road? Comedy! Duh! He’s a comedian! He answers: flirting with women. That’s not so bad, why was Kevin so nervous? Ohhhh! Because he goes on to say that a chick gave him oral sex. Yeah, I wouldn’t want Berry to find out that out about me either. Lie to She screams at us that he’s telling the truth!

JennaVag’s turn to answer this doozy from Kyle: Are you happy with your sex life? She answers: sometimes? Yeah! VH1, you wasted so much money on Lie to She! I could tell you that she’s lying. You could hear her brain trying to figure out what to say. We prefer Tim Roth to Dr. Glass.

Dopey is telling the truth because he’s crying. Sobbing actually.

Animal is asked: Are you going to stop partying? And: Do you think Christie is below you? He is lying constantly!!! He is ONLY making signs of deception. He’s such an ass!

Now it’s time for Trina to tell the partners the results. Jermika and Kevin are first. Kevin is scared, almost as scared as Animal is a TOTAL F*CKING MORON! Trina tells Jermika that Kev had oral sex with 4 or 5 women. She takes it surprisingly well. She says she’s hurt and their marriage is shaky but she didn’t flip out like Kevin was preparing for.

Kyle is nervous. But mainly because he’s dating an illiterate toilet. Trina restates the question that was asked to JV: Do you have feelings for other people? The answer is YES! But Trina says “don’t get nervous, it was only her family.” She has feelings for her family? I can see JennaVag hooking up with her cousin. The next question is the “are you happy with your sex life” question that we saw her lie through her teeth trying to answer. She has to explain to Kyle that sometimes she feels like his whore. Interesting coming from a girl who brags about growing up in a brothel and offers to f*ck everyone in Cancun. In any case, Kyle, JV and Trina are pleased with JV’s results.

Dopey is starting to freak us out. He’s started talking really high pitched like Aaron Kelly. It’s almost like he got a lobotomy. Wait, maybe that’s why tools wear bandanas! To hide their lobotomy scars! Lie to She determines that he’s never hooked up with one of Dayna’s girlfriends. The two of them are giddy. Neither of them can believe that he hadn’t hooked up with one of her girlfriends!

Animal and Christie are looking like they’ve been to hell and back on this show. Christie’s burning question was if he had hooked up with a girl in her car. He had said no and he was telling the truth. Christie, my girl, you shouldn’t have been so specific! He could have hooked up with a girl ON your car and now you’ll never know! Trina says that EVERY OTHER question he answered was a lie. Trina says to Animal, “Do you know this week’s focus is Trust?” “Yes.” “Do you know what Trust is?” “Yes.” “You are lying right now.”

The next morning instead of being woken up by the bugle the tools are screamed at by TA‘s newest character, please welcome, Sergeant Slaughter!

They have to go outside and do boot camp exercises and they are all pissed and confused. It’s hilarious. Jordan must be watching from his window maniacally laughing as he strokes a big fluffy white cat.

For the Trust Challenge everyone gets a date! The tools have to plan the date, decorate and pick out an outfit and a gift for their partner. JennaVag says she “wants it to be a classy date so she’s getting him some engraved dog tags.” Ummm, I think the first part of the sentence needs to listen to the second part of the sentence. Cut to Animal shopping for jeans for Christie, he’s being a total ass to all the people in the jeans store. He asks two different girls their sizes, one is a 1 (who he calls a little girl) and the other is a 9 (who he calls a fat lady). He’s so confused about pant sizes, I would NOT want to be around if he ever came upon a Sudoku puzzle. Dopey goes into a beach themed store to buy beach themed decor for his beach themed date, because they like Miami. He asks the beach clerk if he sliced a hole in the back of a stuffed dog if he could put a ring in it. Creepy choice of words, perhaps he thinks the song goes, “if you like it then you should have sliced a hole in it and then put a ring in it.”

JennaVag is really proud of herself on this one. She says, “Oh man, my date set up is rocking dude” as she pours mini m&m’s into a champagne flute. “Sh*t is poppin’ around here!!” It gets better. “Chickens are clucking around this bitch!” Is that some slang that we don’t know about? Or when she gets excited does she just start referencing Old Mac Donald’s farm?

Christie arrives for her date looking like she just woke up from a coma. She’s really impressed that Animal put together a picnic date, although it seems like he forgot the food part, it looks like he just put a blanket on the ground and brought some bubbly. He chows down on gum and tells her that he’s glad that he got busted lying earlier. She doesn’t know if he’s lying to her right now. He is.

JennaVag and Kyle’s date goes pretty well. She gives him her classy dog tags and he loves them and they hug. She can’t speak english words very well, but it’s sort of touching.

Dopey managed to slice a hole in the stuffed dog, but he didn’t do a very good job concealing the tear. The stuffed dog has stuffing leaking out of it. Also he lied, he didn’t get Dayna a ring, he got her a necklace. She cries. She’s hanging around him too much.

Kevin gives Jermika a ring, he wants her to put it on NOW! This lady will not be bought off by one ring okay! She wants to talk about his BJ’s and he says, “why you gonna keep bringing up past stuff?” He’s being a super dick. Trina thinks he is looking for a quick fix to get himself out of trouble.

The couples all get a cupcake delivery accompanied by a note. We thought it might have been Lie To She saying, “I had to send you this secret note through a cupcake: he’s lying! Run for your life!” But it wasn’t, it was a note announcing that the partners will be moving out of The Villa and into the (stinky, sweaty mess) Tool Academy house. Which, thank God, because now Berry doesn’t have to be confused when they cut away to The Villa. Dayna says it’s awesome that they are there because she hasn’t snuggled with Dopey in a month. Berry just puked in his water cup.

Kevin is stoked, “I get to lay with my wife, I get to breathe on her, shove my boner in her back, then have her tell me to get off, then i’ll sneak out to a club and get some oral! HELL YEAH I’M BACK BABY!” He really did say the first two.

All of the tools are all under the impression that they will be getting laid even though they are all bunking in the same room. Animal and Christie and Kevin and Jermika are cuddling in bed. Downstairs JennaVag and Kyle are playing their own two person drinking games. Dayna joins them and there is a discussion about who took the most dumps in The Villa. Kyle outs Dayna by saying that she was the one who clogged the toilet. Well he should know, he probably clogs his “toilette” all the time. Gross, sorry for that one.

Dopey arrives, but he’s acting more like Grumpy for some reason. He and Dayna have a huge fight about nothing at all, but seriously camera dude, “get out of my f*cking face I swear to God bro.”

Christie is loving it. The only thing she loves more than her dodo bf is ripping Dayna a new one. The camera catches up with D&D in the bathroom. They both quickly realize that they were fighting for no reason and everything is fine. He’s crazy. Grumpy fades away and he slips back into Dopey, or maybe Grover.

Now it’s the part where Trina checks in with the partners to see who remembers that they could win money. Christie is nervous. But she will fight to stay. We know Christie, because you’re a bitch. Kyle was happy because when he was on his date with JennaVag he believed whatever it was that she said when he looked in her eyes. Then out of nowhere, Trina asks if they got it on last night. Damn Trina! You horny! Kyle admits to it, he says, “It felt right.” It felt right to have sex in a room with 6 other people? Hell, back home he and JV have sex with her whole family in the room! Because she has so many feelings for them.

Christie desperately tries to make it seem like her cave-man boyfriend did ANYTHING okay. Jermika says she needs this really bad. Jermika wished that he went clean earlier, but since he did now, it’s okay. Dayna is crying mainly because she is dating the Cry King.

They are up on the chopping block and Animal is twitching, is it the roids or is it a tool genetic twitch? Either way, our fingers and toes are crossed that he gets expelled. We wonder how many takes Jordan must need to get these set-ups right since he probably has so many tool induced rage outbursts. “There are three badges but there are four of YOU F*CKING ASSHOLES I SPIT ON YOUR DICKS!”

Dopey steps forward. Jacob rolls his eyes. Dopey wins a Trust Badge. JennaVag gets hers next. Jordan grinds his teeth down as he sticks the badge on to her chopped up jacket. JV testifies that she didn’t think she’d make it to the final three, in fact she says, “I didn’t think I’d make it past first elimination. (Long pause) And here I am bitches!” The chickens certainly are clucking around this bitch tonight.

It’s down to Kevin and Jacob. Kevin lied and tried to race past adultery. Animal lied, a ton, as always, like so much that he’s pathological and he needs a Dopey style lobotomy. Cut to a suspenseful commercial break. And……

Kevin……..IS JUST A TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! I guess he is a tool, well I know he’s a tool, but I really hate Animal and wanted him to go. Animal was so relieved that he received his Trust Badge he spoke these beautifully poetic words, “It is what it is, I’m still the king here, I’m still the leader, people know I’m the chief of the Tool Academy (fist pump and Tim Allen style woof).” Yes, you truly are the leader of the tool academy. Emphasis on TOOL. No, scratch that, emphasis on ASSHOLE.

Kevin leaves with his head held high. All the significant others are shocked.

Kevin and Jermika get on the break-up or stay together platform. He is mainly sincere although he conveniently skips over the part where Trina tells him that he wasn’t patient when Jermika was trying to talk about his BJ’s. He keeps saying that now he has “got the tools to repair my relationship.” We think that this entire time he didn’t know the context of “tool” in Tool Academy. Wow, he IS funny. Well, he wished he could be on funny on TV, and he got to be on TV as a joke.

She of course stays with him, emphasizing that she wants to make her MARRIAGE work. They drive away in the limo together.
Dayna quickly confesses that she’s happy that Dopey made it through again and it “bedazzles her mind.” How sad, no one pulled her aside after the fourth episode and told her that she’s not using that word properly. Oh well.

Next time: It’s Parents Weekend! That means: family & friends, fake babies, and JennaVag goes ape sh*t on Dayna’s head! Chickens will be clucking all over Dayna’s grave next week! And hopefully someone will get a Tool Academy Tattoo! Can’t wait!