Tool Academy 3: Graduation Day! Someone gets their DICKploma!

The moment we’ve all been waiting for since we were born! The Tool Academy 3 Graduation! According to DirectTV “On graduation day, one Tool will walk away with $100,000.” Wait, after they graduate they are still tools? Then what’s the point? Shouldn’t it be “One tool walks away sad and poor while another evolves into a human man, walking away on two legs carrying a bag of money.” We have two tools left on the show. It’s a real Tool Showdown! Dopey vs. Animal! FTW! Who is going to have a ton of money to waste on more hair gel and bandanas and bottle service? The anticipation is killing us. We expect Dopey to win, but we don’t want to count our chickens before they hatch because the last time chickens were clucking around a bitch, that bitch went home.

Okay, press play, here we go! We open with more footage from Cancun, which I estimate counted for 70% of this season. We see the montage of them going from assholes fighting and screaming to “loving carting partners” (of which there is MUCH less footage of.) The couples are hanging around the house being super tooly. The woman tell their bf’s how glad they are they are here . Christie is proud that Animal might be the third tool academy graduate ever. He rolls his eyes and cockily says, “I know.”

Animal testifies that he doesn’t buy that Dopey has changed all of the sudden. Wait, if Dopey is faking it, AT LEAST he’s been faking it since the first episode! He hasn’t changed all of the sudden. That’ s Animal. He is still being a super neander-tool! He must have found out that there is money at stake. And that money buys headbands because HE’S the one who has changed all the sudden by saying that he’s changed. Could Animal and Christie be smart enough to be strategic? Like chess? But instead of pawns and knights they’re using the F word and throwing tomatoes?

The couples get called down to the last therapy. We are getting so sentimental! Last therapy! I would cry, but I’ll just wait and and let Dopey do it for me.

Today’s theme: Commitment. Seems a bit late for that. Maybe that should have been week one. If they are not committed why have they been trying to get better for each other for all these weeks? Oh yeah, $100,000. Trina says to know where they are going in the future they must know where they’ve been. Oh man, more cancun footage? Make that 75%. Trina says they’re going to explore their Tool Evil-ution. That’s how she pronounces Evolution. Or is it? Maybe she said EVILution on purpose.

Dayna tries to make sense of Tool Evolution, “Tool Vibration?” She can’t remember because her brain is too bedazzled.

Trina says she’s gather photos from their childhood and they act super shocked and embarrassed. I get why you’d be embarrassed about your kid pics if you were in like 7th grade, budding into a cool teen. But why, as an adult would you act so squeamish and weird? Unless you were a super fatty or something. OMG, Animal must have been a super fatty because he says that he’s afraid to come face to face with his childhood pics because, “he has a past that he’s hidden.” Trina says they weren’t born tools. I would like to see proof of that!

We see baby Dopey. He looks like a man baby. Dopey starts crying immediately. You cry when you see pics of yourself as a kid? Creepy. Dopey says that his parents really wanted a boy. His mom lost her first son……..under a couch cushion. Then we see a picture of Dopey with a bouncy ball because they couldn’t afford a soccer ball. Are soccer balls that much more expensive? They also couldn’t afford for him to have friends. OKAAAAAAAYYYYY. Christie hates that Dopey keeps crying, she says he’s full of sh*t. It’s easy for her to recognize sh*t since it’s constantly pouring out of her mouth like a sh*t waterfall. Every time she talks it’s like someone flushed the toilet after a nasty #2.

Next picture is a 16 year old Dopey, he’s all buff and ‘roided out hanging on a sofa. Uh-oh. This must have been the turning point. The most recent photo is his Tool headshot. Dopey tells “that guy” to go f*ck himself and after much much much (too much) prodding from trina he gets up and screams at the image of himself on the TV. She tells him to tell his former self to bugger off and scream at him. Trina is pushing hard for Dopey to hate on that TV. She must get off on them hating their picture because she has a nice big smirk. Someone is going to have to wipe down Trina’s chair after this segment. (Berry wrote that! That’s gross BERRY!) Dopey apologizes to Dayna for no good reason. She wants respect and trust and for him to move in with her. But he’ll only move in if she has an extra closet for gold chains and bandanas.

Animal’s turn. We see a picture of Animal as a baby. Trina asks him how old he is and he says “a baby.” Does he know that ‘a baby’ is not a number? Or does he count, “One, baby, manage a trois, teen, five.” Animal immediately starts crying like a hypocrite. But wait, he’s covering his face! He is totally fake crying! This show has turned into an acting seminar! He is covering has fake crying with has hand and rubbing his eyes to make his face look red. Wow, kinda smart. Wonder how long it took him to figure that one out, at least ‘baby’ hours. He’s “crying” because apparently his daddy left him whenever that picture was taken. Smart guy. Trina hints that he might want to go look for his father now. Trina, don’t get too involved. You are opening up a Pandora’s box. You don’t want to see the tool master that created this tool. (OMG! What if it turns out to be Jordan! Or Shawn from season 1! The circle of tool.)

The next picture is him around 10 as a “wrestler” with no shirt. Probably taken by some neighbor pervert.

Animal says he wants the child’s soul in his adult body. Sounds like a Japanese horror movie. Whoa, we also found out that he was teaching autistic children at some point! I didn’t know that was contagious. He also says thats where the monster started. Teaching autistic kids created the monster? Out of nowhere he starts creaming at the TV getting totally worked and inventing a tantrum. But hey, I’d invent a tantrum to for $100,000. Al Pacino does it all the time and we give him awards for it. Eventually he kicks the TV over. He kicks a TV and thats okay, but Dopey crying is terrible? Then he runs to his gf and hugs her like a bear destroying a drunk ass picnic. Wow, seriously Animal needs to go on Inside the Actors Studio. If only to hear James Lipton say….”Let me talk to Jacob.” Therapy ends and Trina tells them to bring one material thing that represents their “toolish ways” to burn at a ceremony tonight. Presumably to appease the anti-tool God, AKA Host Jordan.

They arrive at Trina’s outdoor campfire. Animal assumes they’d be drinking and barbecuing because he is an F’ing idiot! Trina pulls out a “talking stick” for the ceremony. Oh man this is totally Lord of the Flies. I really hope Host Jordan drops a boulder on Piggy Dopey!

They show even more Cancun footage and they say how embarrassed they were again (78%). Animal does more acting as this episode turns into a clip show of them acting like douches. Not sure how this is helping, but then again, we were never sure of how this show helped anyone or ever will. Animal says he thinks he’s a better person now. And we agree with that, only because the only way he could have gotten worse is if he left Tool Academy a pedophile racist. Christie says they can’t put a price on this experience. Well, except for $100,000.

He passes the stick to Dopey and we watch more Cancun footage (80%). We see lots of crying and blah blah blah. It’s almost like this episode is for people who never watched Tool Academy and thought to themselves, “huh this show I’ve never seen is having it’s big finale. I should probably watch this new Tool Academy show on Easter Sunday.” Yeah, not so much. Dayna talks about STD’s and past BS and she says it just feels good to be happy again. This is happy? Crying at Tool Academy? Again, we feel very bad for her now. Trina tells them to pull out their symbols of toolish-ness to burn in the fire. Dopey brings two of his shirts with half-naked ladies on them. Two shirts which i have NEVER seen him wear on the show. Animal brings out his leopard outfit and underwear from Cancun and tosses them in the fire. Tool spirits are released and screech into the air to go screw ghost ho’s. (Another Japanese horror movie.) Wait a second? NOBODY BURNED A BANDANA?! Or themselves? Lame.

After the commercial Host Jordan greets them at a high ropes course. We think Jordan is wearing the exact same vest Trina wore last night! And it’s not unisex. Jordan is wearing a woman’s vest! There is some crap about having to work together and how that means something about them. Jordan says the rope is like their relationship, if you tie it around each other loosely it can be sexy fun in the bedroom, but if it’s too tight it can choke and kill you. Got it. To the ropes course! Hilariously, Dopey and Animal are totally scared of heights. Probably because they were dropped as babies so many times.

Up first is the “cooperation cross,” perfect for Easter. Honestly, I could not tell what they were supposed to do, other than swear and freak out. Then Dopey starts screaming out of nowhere. Like really screaming. And Dayna just starts laughing at him, just like everyone at home.

Trina says it’s an accomplishment that he’s even trying to finish the challenge. Suuuure, Trina. You justify it however you want so you can let him win. Meanwhile Animal is calm and focused according to Trina and finishes first.

Now they have to trust fall, the leap of faith. Again, I have no idea what they are really doing. They are all attached to harnesses and are supposed to jump out to a trapeze handle. Which seems very easy, and apparently it is, because they do it very quickly. They still celebrate like it was some huge accomplishment and Animal screams, “TOOL ACADEMY I’M NOT A TOOL!” which means he still is. Trina keeps saying how great they did and host Jordan tells them as such, but remember , he is still wearing a vest that Fran is pretty sure her mom owns.

We cut to later, where Trina talks to the girlfriends about who should win. Trina tells them to chose their words carefully with an unspoken hint of “because I am just looking for a reason so screw you out of 100,000 you hick losers.” Christie starts, crying, saying she used to have no backbone and no pride. She now says she has the fairy tale relationship she has always wanted. You know, the fairy tale where the a-hole cheats on his girlfriend, gets hammered and acts cocky on TV and makes her look like a total fool, then a week before the TV show is about to end realizes he could win a ton of money so he apologizes to her but does nothing differently, then they drive away in some oversized hummer while he hoots and hollers and them dumps her one week later to bang chicks who are just into him for his money. I love that fairy tale. Total disney material.

Dayna says Dopey should graduate because she is proud of how they have come so far and she is so impressed or something and how he’s grown or whatever. Trina thanks them for hearing absolutely nothing new. As usual. She scribbles some fake notes in her fake tool yearbook. She says that this is the hardest decision she has ever had to make in her life. Even harder than deciding to give up her first child for adoption, or deciding what to wear today. Then offscreen asks the producers what they want her to do.

The tool girlfriends get in limos and get driven to graduation. But they are already there. They are getting in limos and doing donuts in the lower parking lot until it’s their turn to be rich or not. Then we cut a commercial, for Tough Love Couples! Hmmmm, maybe our next recap? Seems a LOT like Tool Academy, but at least on Tough Love the host is upfront about his hatred for these people. He says it right in the title, it is time for some Tough Love. Yay Steve!

Back to the current couple make-over show. The men see their graduation gowns and Dopey sees his: “It is graduation night. Wooooooooow! (said like Wall-E, but never get to E part.) He is psyched! Animal says he wants to graduate and start his new life with Christie. He has never acted so hard in his life. I think he could teach a Meisner class after this. Or at least give Ryan Reynolds a run for his acting talent.

We see the girls driving around in their limos. Tool Academy, stop wasting gas, we’re in a recession!

As Animal and Dopey drone on and on about how they should win and they other guy is fake let’s take a moment here people…we are so close to the end. We’ve been through a lot together now. What have we learned…..oh, right. Nothing. Moving on!

Host Jordan welcomes them to the end. Trina tells them how much they used to suck. I mean, really suck, like awful, terrible, useless people who didn’t deserve to be crapped on by a diseased, psychotic, homeless pigeon. And how they’ve come a long way. Of course she can’t say they are perfect, she can only decide who wins based on the small amount further one got than the other. Animal says if he gets expelled he will be angry and he doesn’t know how he will lash out. What? Buddy, how about you don’t lash out? That’s the whole point! Oh man, if this guy wins I’m totally gonna lash out too by volunteering at an animal shelter and reading As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner on my breaks.

And the third graduate of the tool academy is…

A commercial.

Thank god this is a recap, right?

It’s…..

Who cares?

The End.

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J/K!
It’s Animal. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Even after Dopey just said he has been trying the entire time and he thinks Animal has just been doing it the last couple weeks, which is probably the smartest thing this guy has ever said in his life. I know what happened, this is the second take. Dopey won and Animal “lashed out” by slamming a bottle of extra roid-rage steroids taking the Tool Academy set hostage. He threatened them all with “true elimination” and they agreed to try the ceremony again. that has to be it. It’s he only answer. If that’s not it, THIS WHOLE SHOW IS A SHAM! Animal was even a dick when Dopey congratulated him. Wow, I can’t believe that Animal turned out to be smarter than the producers of Tool Academy. His acting tricked Jordan and Trina. What a bunch of idiots. Dopey even says he is disappointed in Trina. Trina, he’s right. You should be ashamed of your fake British ass.

Back inside the mansion Animal celebrates not being a tool by picking up Trina and swings her around and screaming about $100,000. Wow, you people really made the right decision.

Oh how I wish this was April Fools Day! Or for Host Jordan just to break out and be like, “Just kidding! You’re both tools and I’m keeping the money to buy a boat to blow up!!!!” That would make me feel so much better. Damn, that was the worst ending to a TV show ever. Even worse than St. Elsewhere where in the last episode the whole show turned out to be a dream inside a snow globe thought up by an autistic kid (true story).

Animal says, “this means more to me than my high school graduation.” Yeah, because your high school graduation means a piece of paper and a job at a sewage treatment plant. This is a free $100,000. Of course there is no way he’ll go back to his tool lifestyle when he can make it rain Benjamins at a club, right? RIGHT, Trina?? You didn’t even think this through did you?! What am I missing here? Okay, I getting way to worked up over this. Fran’s getting me my anti-anxiety medication.

Animal thanks anyone who will listen and screams some more. He goes outside to get his girl and even she thinks he is joking and that he failed. She seems more shocked than us, which makes sense. I’m not sure why everyone thinks Animal is now magically a different person. He’s not.
Animals yells thank you back at the house like it’s a person (because he doesn’t know houses don’t have ears) and gives another Tim Allen bark. Wow. Just take that money and cut your hair and get out of my life Animal and Christie!

Maybe there will be a reunion show so we can see Christie knocked up and single and Animal as a meth head, with his hair now down to his pudgy stomach, broke after wasting all his money trying to turn his parents house into a dance club based on his Tool Academy fame which hadn’t aired yet so no one believed him when he’d scream “I’m NOT A TOOL!” But if you are a lie detection specialist, or Fran, or Berry, you know he’s lying. It has been our pleasure to cover Tool Academy 3, see y’all in Cancun bitches!