Tool Academy: Bigger Tools n Sears

***Please welcome back PopPrincess with a show you’ve been requesting, Tool Academy! She was just assigned, so give her time to catch up!

Soooo, my first show about douchey boys ends, then FlipIt asks me to take on Tool Academy, another show about douchey guys. Either Flippy hates me (but why?) or I am still cursed with attracting the tooliest tools in the shed. The curse was passed down to me from my mom and followed me throughout college. I thought I kicked it when I married a nice guy, but apparently that just made the universe pissy. So, as FlipIt as my witness, I give in and will commit to becoming an expert in the ways of The Male Douche.

We’re entering this game one episode late, so let me catch you up quickly. The premise of this show is that 9 guys who think they are competing for the title of Mr. Awesome, the biggest alpha male of them all. Really, their chickies have nominated them as the Worst Boyfriends Ever and entered them in the Tool Academy. In the Academy, they will compete on a various challenges to learn foreign concepts like “humility” and “trust.”

As each Tool is eliminated, their girlfriend will have the option to kick their ass to the curb or to ride off in the sunset with them.

At the end, only one Tool will remain and he will be awarded $100,000 and the actual title of Mr. Awesome. We’re starting with episode 2, and all you really need to know is that one guy was such a d-bag that he couldn’t survive past the first week. You are now officially caught up.

We open the show with the guys sitting around, talking trash about their ladies. Ahhh, a gentleman’s favorite past-time. Josh, the Tiny Tool, takes time to diss his girlfriend’s weight, who is not so tiny. He’s obviously performing for the guys to get some attention, but damn. You know she’s going to watch the show and kick you square in the nuts when she sees this segment!

The conversation then turns to MatsuFlex and his girlfriend, Jenna, who won’t sleep with him.

First, yes, there is a guy named MatsuFlex, and no, his parents aren’t that cruel, its just what he calls his stupid alter-ego. You know, it really sticks in my craw when people, especially those on reality shows, give themselves an alter-ego that they can blame their douchiness on.

Anyways, MastuFlex’s lady friend won’t have sex with him and not because he calls himself MatsuFlex, it’s because the last 3 dudes she’s banged have all been black dudes.

MEGA interviews that his shoe size is like a 12-13, and Matsu’s is a 9.5, so “you do the math.” Sorry, partner, don’t see any math equations in that sentence. I guess “you draw the proper parallels” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Therapy time! All of our tools and tool-lovers head over to therapy room, where we learn of this week’s challenge, titled “Fidelity.” Our tools look uneasy at the mere utterance of the word, so you know this will be good.

Our therapist’s (or, “The Rapist” if you watch SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy) name is, oh, who cares. She has a British accent so I immediately find her credible.

Matsu and Jenna are up first, and surprise, he fails miserably. He strips down to his man panties and she grabs his ass. Umm, I wonder why she doesn’t want to sleep with you again? Jenna starts to break up wondering when “it’s ever going to end.” Probably in 30 seconds if you decide to give it up after making him wait so long. Matsu admits he has toolish characteristics, and I say we knew that as soon as you started an alter-ego for yourself and named it MatsuFlex.

MEGA and his girlfriend Margot are up next. The makeup artist starts to hit on MEGA, and he wastes no time saying he has a girlfriend and now is “not neither the time or place, baby girl.” I am finding MEGA surprisingly sexy and starting to understand where Jenna is coming from with this whole “I like to bang black dudes” thing. Margot, however, is not as impressed since this is the one thing he’s done right in god knows how long.

Tommy’s tape is next, and he goes over to the corner to get undressed. He admits he’s horny because he hasn’t seen his girl in a few days, and she finds this oddly romantic. He gives a “no, not happening” when she asks for his phone number.

Celebrity’s tape is next, and shocker, homeboy crashes and burns!! This dude has to be a closet gay. At one point, he pulls down his pants to show her his pubes, then KISSES her! Girlfriend Cameron says that to her, kissing is more intimate then sex. Celebrity tells her she needs to accept it or she’ll have to walk.

Celebrity, probably thinking of the $100K he’s about to lose, says he can’t help it because flirting is like an addiction. He fake cries, and I can’t believe that these two have been together for ten years. Celebrity says he’s ready to change and denounces the name Celebrity and will only answer to Clarence from now on. The room collectively rolls thier eyes.

Our Tiny Tool, Josh, and his girlfriend Ashley, are next. TT admits to having a girlfriend, and calls her pretty in “her own way.” Daaaamnn, first he makes fun of her weight then he calls her an ugg-o, that’s harsher then cheating on her! He does remain faithful and passes when the make-up artist asks to hang out.

Joey, who looks like Simeon from The PickUp Artist, admits he has a girlfriend but says they are “serious…to a point.” He gives her his e-mail address so he won’t get busted by Ashley. Simeon says its harmless because its just an email address, but Ashley is a bit more upset about it.

Judo-loving Rob’s tape is next. In case you haven’t heard him say it 500 times, he loooooves him some Judo. To prove it, he tries out some moves on the make-up artist and nearly breaks her back.

He gives her his digits, and swear to Kareen he’s never cheated on her.

Our last couple is crazy-haired Shaun who likes to say “bro” alot, and his girlfriend Jamie. I’m going to make his day and just call him Bro from now on. Seriously, start counting from now on. He claims to be “dead single” and doesn’t even wait for the makeup artist to hit on him, just straight up asks her out. Since he’s straight up busted, he tells Jamie that he’s an asshole, the biggest tool, he’s sorry, and he really wants to be with her.

As he’s saying all of this, a hot blonde with some serious wheels is walking up the stairs. She enters the room and you literally see Bro shit his pants.

Therapist asks who are you, and she says she’s Bro’s girlfriend of SEVEN YEARS. The room collectively loses their shit.

New Chickie’s name is Aida and she wastes no time telling Jamie to get the hell out of her seat. Again, run like Forest Gump my dear. Bro admits to knowing her, and Jamie recognizes her as Bro’s “psycho ex.”

Bro says things were getting rocky between him and Aida, so he started dating Jamie. Then he and Aida got together, and he kinda forgot to break up with Jamie. He starts to apologize, and the Therapist interrupts to ask to whom he is apologizing to? He looks backs and forth between the two girls and decides that fake boobs are better then real ones, so he tells Jamie to hit the pavement. Jamie walks. Bro is either a really good actor or really fucking dumb.

The other boys couldn’t be happier at this turn of events! Who cares if they gave the MUA their number, at least they didn’t have anther girlfriend on the side. They give Bro high fives for saving their balls from being twisted by their angry ladies.

The Therapist pulls Bro and Aida aside to talk. Bro admits that he tried to live a double life and failed. Aida doesn’t want to waste the last 6 years for nothing, andnsays this is the last chance and wants to try.

Back at the Bro House, all the guys thank him for making them look better. Bro wants to concentrate on the positive–he had two hot chicks at the same time.

Aida moves into the Girls Compound, and they are none to friendly. Aida confronts them, asking them to see it from her side: she wasn’t the other woman, she was the one who got cheated on. Margo gives her some ‘tude, saying they don’t deserve to be there. I think Aida is kinda a cool chick, with the exception of her toolbag boyfriend. Margo is not letting up and is still pissed that Bro two-timed and is still here. I think Margo just wants the money.

To re-build their broken relationships, the Therapist has them…..tango? They bring out a the gayest man I have ever seen in my life to teach them how to turn their woman on.

For this week’s challenge, all the couples will learn the same routine, then add thier own flair and name it something that represents their relationship. The winning couple will get the first conjugal visit so they can get their swerve on. the guys react like they have been in prison for 10 years.

Our tools start practicing. Matsuflex is pretty gay. Simeon is emotionally abusing Ashley, demanding to know why she isn’t listening to him. Ashley is feeling insecure (wonder why?), and Simeon gives lots of condescending COME ONs! Judo Rob is just flipping his chick all around.

After a few hours of practicing, its time for the competition to being. Our judges are the gay instructor and Mary “My Face Doesn’t Move” Murphy from So You Think You Can Dance.

Tiny Tool and Ashley are up first with their Jersey Tango. It’s terrible as you would expect it to be and their costumes make them look like a giant pumpkin. But they have fun and it’s kinda cute to watch them giggle their way through.

Tommy & Krista go next and they are pretty damn sexy. Matsu, not to be outdone, turns up the heat with his lady as well. Mega is just OK.

Judo Rob and Karine hump their way through their version of the tango. Karine is more worried about her flashing her vag then dancing. I want to respect you for not showing your shit on national television, but maybe you shouldn’t have worn a mini-dress if you were planning on wrapping your legs around your boyfriend. Just a tip.

Bro-Shaun coaches Aida through their tango, giving her lots of positive encourage. Loud enough for the Therapist to hear, as if that will make her forget the fact that he showed up WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

Ashley and Simeon go next, and you can tell Simeon is taking it seriously because he took his cowboy hat off. Too bad without it he looks like a gay preacher in his outfit. There is no passion or emotion in their dance, probably because he hates her.

Celebrity “Call Me Clarence” and Cameron are next. I like Cameron, but damn, homegirl’s dress is something out of that ghetto prom e-mail I get forwarded 10 ten times a year. She has a nice, athletic bod, but this dress makes her look like she’s in her second trimester. Celebrity does his stupid booty shake and dances around her while she stands awkwardly, praying he doesn’t kick the baby.

Our judges deliberate, and I don’t think Mary Murphy’s face moves an inch when she talks.

They announce our top 3 finalists: MatsuFlex, Judo Rob and Tommy.

And our first winner is….Jenna and Matsuflex! I love how the couple that wins the conjugal visit is the one that hasn’t had sex yet.

Mastu and Jenna adjoin to another room with velvet sheets and lots of champagne. We find out that Jenna isn’t a virgin, but that the last three guys she’s slept with have been black. And they may not have slept together, but that doesn’t stop her from taking off her shirt and rolling around in the sheets with him.

Rob lets us know that if he was the winner, he would’ve had the “ears by the ankles.” Matsu walks in to the Dude House and immediately strips down to his MAN THONG. Bro-Shawn calls him out saying the gayest of the gayest strippers wouldn’t wear that, and for once, I agree with the guy.

Expulsion time! Guys are lined up inside, while the girls wait outside to see who gets eliminated, where they will then decide if they want to ride off in the short bus with their tool. You know the drill–8 guys, 7 badges. Bro-Shawn is sweating a little, since the challenge is fidelity and there’s that whole “I had two girlfriends” thing.

Our last three tools that are up for elimination are Celebrity, Bro-Shawn and Simeon. Shawn thinks he’s completely screwed b/c the challenge is about fidleity and he’s the most “infidel.” Bad grammar hurts my soul so I can’t even make a joke about it.

Clarence is called out for reverting back to Celebrity the first chance he got with his showboat dance routine. Simeon is ridiculed for connecting more to the make up artist then to his actual girlfriend. We all know Bro-Shawn is a dick, but he gets points for trying in the tango challenge. Celebrity is saved, and so is Bro-Shawn. So congratulations Joey! You are “just a tool” and need to kick the pavement. Best. Kickoff. Line. Ever.

Simeon goes outside, where Ashley seems surprised that he got eliminated. Hello, have you met him? He’s an ass!

He fake cries to her, saying he knows he’s a dick, but forget to mention that he’s also ugly and has a shitty personality.

He then tells her their problems are “95% me, 5% you.” Ashley asks him if he loves her and wants to know how long they’ll be together. He of course says yes and they’ll be together forever, but you know he’s crossing his fingers behind his back and calling that make up artist the minute he gets home. They get in the LIMO together, and the ladies are pissed, as am I.

So there you have it, Gasmii! What are your thoughts on Tool Academy? Who do you think is the biggest tool? Any tools you want to defend?

This is my new guilty pleasure, right up there with Rock of Love. Next week our tools tackle the Humility challenge and get to dress up in tutus, which you know Matsu will be pleased as punch about.

Til then!
xoxoxo
PopPrincess