Tool Academy: Kung Fu Zero

Last week’s preview teased us with the fact that one guy is going home because his girlfriend is more of a tool then he is. Since nobody likes a tease (I’m looking at you, VH1!) let’s cut right to the chase and get to the good stuff in this episode, which isn’t very much.

We begin with the boys all congratulating each other about coming so far and finally getting their periods and training bras. Tiny Tool tells us how Matsu is his role model/big brother, causing me to fear for the future and pray that both of them are sterile. Sorry, but its not a good sign when your role model has hair like a hedgehog and wears manties. At least its not Bro-Shawn, lord knows that one tool running around with that hair cut is one too many.

“I know, I found him under a bridge, and he followed me home, so I dressed him like me. Cool, huh?”

Today’s Therapy Topic is maturity. Hopefully Tommy doesn’t struggle with this word like he did humility.

Before getting to the Academy, the boys were asked to think of a 5 year plan. Their are answers are so stupid that I refuse to write them out, but they are also too good to miss, so may I present you with a photo montage that I like to call “You, Sir, Are a Douche.”

Somebody please dechiper for me what Tiny Tool wants…a Lamborghini door with Lambo doors. So he wants a lambo door? Or multiple doors? What exactly does he plan on doing with said doors without, I don’t know, the fucking car?!

I will give points to Judo Rob for at least thinking to mention his girls name. Even though his answer doesn’t make more sense then Mr. Lambo Doors, at least he talks about his girlfriend and not in the context of a threesome. So, yay Rob!

The girls all laugh at their boyfriends and each other boyfriends, but I’m laughing at the girls because after all, you’re the ones sleeping with these losers. Anyhoo, this week’s assignment is to create a NEW five-year plan, this time taking in account their needs as well as their girlfriends. And yes, its as boring as it sounds.

Now that the boys have learned the definition of maturity, they now have to prove it by….competing in an obstacle course where they have to spear a fake mastodon, gather water with a banana leaf, and build a hut with rocks. Damn, there must be some good weed in the VH1 writers room because how this connects with maturity is beyond me. They should’ve given them fake babies to take care, but that would’ve actually related to the challenge and made some sense. But, I digress.

So the race starts and Bro-Shawn has some trouble knocking down his fake mastodon. If it was real, it probably would’ve just had to look at Bro-Shawn’s stupid hair then fall over from shock that somebody would willingly do that to themselves. But, it’s fake, so he continues to hurl his spears at it until he finally knocks it over.

Tiny Tool and Ashley quickly run into trouble, with Ashely saying she can’t go any further. I will spare you the put-on-a-twinkie-on-a-stick-and-dangle-it-in-front-of-her-face jokes because she admits that she’s out of shape. And since my only form of exercise comes from Nintendo Wii, I’ll hold my tongue. Tiny Tool forgets about the challenge to tend to her. I might find it sweet if he weren’t so weaselly looking.

It’s a pretty dead heat between Matsu and MEGA, with MEGA winning by a fraction. MEGA and Margot get to go on a date which the house mates don’t approve of because they think they are BFFs who are here for the money, not in a relationship.

MEGA and Margot go on their date. He tries to be serious and talk about their future, but Margot reacts by just laughing in his face.

After MEGA’S stand-up routine, everybody gets together for a barbecue and drinks. Because nothing dramatic ever happens when alcohol is involved! The group starts impersonating other people, which is the fastest way to a good ol’ fistfight.

Bro-Shawn attempts to do a MatsuFlex impression by yanking down his pants, but also succeeds at yanking down his underwear and showing his tool to the group. Rest assured that his package is NOT as big as his personality, and more in line with his bank account, i.e. teeny tiny.

As if a tiny penis wasn’t bad enough, he also tattooed “Kung Fu Hero” above it. I have no words. Other then: Aida, seriously, my brother is cute and single. I’ll give you the digits.

Back at the Bro Compound, they are giving MEGA more shit for his BFF status. Rather then having everyone talk behind his back, MEGA calls a house meeting. For some reason, this really pisses off Matsu and he goes on a ‘roid ra-I mean, screaming rampage. He throws an apple (??), yells and generally acts like there is lots of sand in his vagina. He interviews “”Don’t ever step to me and tell me you need to talk to me in an offensive manner in a defensive way as well.”

MEGA admits that yes, Margot is his BFF, but-wait for it-also the love of his life. Smooth move, MEGA! He also tells them to talk to the hand because he’s not here to prove anything to them.

Bro-Shawn, not to be out-dicked by Matsu, gets up in MEGA’s face to tell him he looks like ET. That makes as much sense as throwing an apple or “killing” a fake mastodon to prove your maturity.

The next morning, the guys are presented with new outfits: sweater vests and khakis.

They are told to report to their first class, which is Glee Club. Seriously, there must be alot of puff-puff-pass going on over at VH1 HQs. And once again in this terrible episode, the next 10 minutes are too painful to re-cap.

Basically, the guys have to sing the Tool Academy school song, which is just a really stupid ditty made up during one of the aforementioned “writing sessions” at VH1. $10 (virtual) bucks to anyone who can tell me how this relates to this week’s maturity theme. I got nothing.

Thankfully, its finally time to put this week’s episode out of its misery as we come to the elimination ceremony. Tiny Tool gets the first badge and props for not being a total ass to Ashley. Judo Rob, Tommy and MatsuFlex get their badges next, leaving us with Bro-Shawn and MEGA on the chopping block. Not looking good for my boy MEGA since Aida is a sweetie and Margot is, well, a complete bitch.

The Therapist tells MEGA that he’s probably one of the most mature guys here (which is similar to saying you’re the best looking out of a group of uglies) but his girlfriend doesn’t seem to want to be here. And then the kick-off “You’re not that much of a tool, but your girlfriend is.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and damn you, Margot!

The girls are definitely surprised to see MEGA walk out the door. He tells Margot that he loves her and wants her to leave with him. Surprisingly, she doesn’t laugh in his face, but also doesn’t tell him that she loves him, but says “You know how I feel.” Um, actually we don’t, which is why you got kicked off. But reality TV is no place for semantics.

So there you have it kiddies! The mystery is solved: Margot is a douche, MEGA still rocks my world. So now lovable loser Tommy takes #1 in my book, but only by default.

Stay tuned for this week’s episode, where our tools are hooked up to a lie detector test and hijinks ensue.

‘Til then,
xoxoxoxo
PopPrincess