Top Chef: Chillin’ The Villian

Hi friends!  Do any of you ever have to deal with a self-proclaimed “alpha male” in your life?  I used to, and the sad thing is that he was a good friend for a long time, but there just came a point where I couldn’t take talking to him anymore.  He started out every single sentence with “Here’s what you need to do…”  He knew more about my job than I did (at least he sure thought so).  He made eating out at a restaurant an absolute nightmare (and increased your chances of being served snot-filled soup five-fold).  He was constantly critical and overly judgmental of everyone else (in a way that is completely different from how I am critical and judgmental on behalf of TVGasm).  Worst of all, no matter what I did, where I went, or who I saw, this guy had already done it bigger, better, faster and more fabulously than I did.  In short, he was apparently one of God’s specially anointed creatures who just happen to know everything about everything…

sound familiar in the slightest?

Now, you may have guessed that I’m no shrinking violet (no!), I have no problem voicing my opinions and concerns (really?), and I have sometimes been accused of being overbearing and/or domineering (I maintain that I am not bossy, my ideas are just better) but I pick and choose my battles carefully.  This guy had to have top spot all the time and in every situation.  Eventually, I snapped and wound up telling my soon-to-be-former-friend that the only thing he knew the most about was being a giant know-it-all asshole, and we haven’t spoken much since.  It’s pretty cool.

In tonight’s episode of Top Chef things aren’t going to get quite that cool, but rather just kinda chilly.  Let’s head on over to the Bilious Brownstone and see how our shittestants are coping with the loss of Bobby Brown…

well, Nosferatu’s so upset that he forgot he was a vampire and wandered into the sunlight like a dumbass

Hmmm, I wonder who’s going to lie and pretend to be sad that they’re now one week closer to winning $125,000.00?  Looks like OranJello takes that prize today, because he says Bobby was like a “father-figure” in the house, so everybody’s feeling somber in the wake of his departure…

he even manages to whip up a few tears to go with his overgelled hair!

Yeah, well, if BabyDaddy Bobby hadn’t wasted three hours cutting up a few veggies and underseasoning them, he’d still be here doing his signature dance and bragging about how he’s got Stevie Wonder on speed-dial (apparently Stevie is pissed about him getting sent home… true story) so, bye bye Bobby… New Edition was better with Johnny Gill in it, anyway.

Also, Big-Haired Andrea is feeling pretty jazzed about the fact that she’s been in the top the last couple of challenges and says she’s in a really good place…

or else it’s a really good Aqua Net contact high

Let’s let her enjoy that nice feeling, shall we?  Because she’s only going to have it for another 2 minutes.  The chefs enter the TC Hiltchen and get a good gander at Scar and their Guest Judge for today, and suddenly Big-Haired Andrea’s looking like she smells 60 pounds of kittenshit…

worst case of LenoChin™ ever

Whatever could be causing her to make such faces?  Well, it turns out that the Guest Judge is returning Top Chef favorite, Michelle Bernstein!  You might remember Bernie from last season when she just happened to be the Judge who awarded a QuickFire win to none other than Robin “80’s Hooker” Leventhal, thereby annoying the everloving fuck out of the entire Season Six cast.

Well, Bernie also happens to own Michy’s in Miami, which prompts Scar to bring up the fact that she knows one of this season’s chefs already.  “I do, I know Andrea…” she says.  So what’s Big-Haired Andrea’s response to being recognized by Bernie?

to simultaneously pageant wave, stick her tongue out, stinky-wink and smile as fakely as possible

Now that is how you make bitchfaces!  Which is great, and fun to watch, but it’s also something you probably shouldn’t do if you care at all about, you know, winning the challenge.  Perhaps a smarter route would have been to make asskissfaces.  In any case, Big-Hair admits that there is a bit of a rivalry between herself and Bernie, “I’m not so sure if you sat down at her restaurant and my restaurant that one would be that much better, so, I guess I’m probably not comfortable with her judging me!”  Oooh, now I’m totally wondering if Bernie stole Big-Hair’s man or something!  They both tend to favor wearing big, crispy hair, so I bet they’d attract the same kind of Miami guy:  over 60 and sweaty.

Anyhow, there’s a QuickFire Challenge to be talked about, and ho-hum, it’s time to play the old game known as “Exotic Proteins” a.k.a. “Things That Make You Go Hurl”.  JerseyMoobs seems distressed by the selection of odd items…

or maybe he just sharted

Out comes the knife block, and before you can say “recycled challenge” we’ve got 11 chefs in order and they begin to pick their ingredients.  Nosferatu got knife #1, so he immediately grabs the only non-exotic item on the entire table:  foie gras.  KennEgo goes next, and he snags the frogs legs like the Alpha-Kermit-Dismemberer he was born to be.  Then MassholEd admits he’s a huge bore takes the wild boar, and ChesTiffany picks Yak meat.  ShortyPants decides to go bold and actually chooses Cayman Crocodile meat while OranJello picks a bowl of what look like cheese curds in a runny tomato sauce and have a sign next to them that says “Duck White Kidneys”…

they got the duck and the white part right, but the rest is a lie

Scar asks OranJello if he’s ever cooked with duck white kidneys before, and he’s like “Never in my life.” and she’s all “Do you know what they really are?” and his face falls apart at the speed of light and he goes “Ahh God…” and then Bernie’s like “They’re, um… testicles” and then OranJello actually takes a step back from the bowl…

I guess this means he won’t be making love to them

The other chefs are all laughing and clapping, and naturally MassholEd tells us he’s actually used duck testicles before back when he WORKED FOR TODD ENGLISH, he said they did a duck consommé made with rooster combs and fried duck balls, “So it was called ‘Cock & Balls Soup’!”…

heh… he said ‘cock & balls’

You know, I’m a big fat homo, and I love me some cocks and balls, but that just sounds vile.  Let’s move on to JerseyMoobs, who is mega-grateful he doesn’t have to cook duck nuts and goes right for the ostrich meat.  He is followed by Miss Swan and her queerly appropriate gravitation towards diamondback rattlesnake flesh.  Miss Tamesha snaps up the llama chops, and Big-Haired Andrea quickly takes the severed duck tongue.  Jesus, somebody at Top Chef really fucking hates ducks today…

“I KNOW, WTF??!?!”

This leaves Bloody Mandy with the Last Protein Standing, which are several giant green emu eggs that come equipped with their own hacksaw.  Yay for food that requires tools!  Scar gives them their 45 minutes and everyone panics starts cooking!

Miss Swan is puzzling over her rattlesnake corpse and musing that with a lot of these proteins the chefs are completely unsure how to even begin to try and cook them.  In the case of the poor Bloody Mandy’s emu eggs, nobody’s even sure how to get them open, much less how to prepare them…

I think Scar is gonna bitch like holy hell if she gets a chunk of eggshell in her omelet

That has to be the biggest, grossest egg yolk I’ve ever seen.  Meanwhile, OranJello gingerly pokes one of his duck danglers and finds the texture to be soft, similar to sweetbreads, so he decides to make a “testicle marshmallow”.  Great, maybe we can roast them over the campfire and then everybody can reenact that scene from “Stand By Me”.

Guess who’s super excited about having Hannibal Lecter’s favorite organ?

“I got the fava beans and the chianti, too!”

Yes, Nosferatu (who has nicely regenerated from his earlier sunlight burns) is happy because this ingredient isn’t fucking exotic at all.  In fact, the only less exotic ingredient I could think of would have been goat cheese.  Sorry, but I think he was a dope for taking the easy way out, I don’t see anybody ever winning a Digusting Food QuickFire with foie gras.

Everybody’s juuuust getting into their groove and thinking they miiiiight have a handle on this crap when Scar comes back at the 35 minute mark and tells them “Please take over the proteins to your LEFT!”…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You can totally tell who felt confident in their fugfood, and who had no clue how they were going to whip up something sexy out of swampmeat… the former look pissed, while the latter look relieved…

and are slyly sticking their tongues out

Miss Swan was already messed up over the snakeflesh, and now she has this giant egg yolk to deal with (hey, at least she didn’t have to hack into it!) so she decides to make a perfect omelet because she knows it’s a weak dish when you get handed an exotic egg the size of a bowling ball (and likely just as tasty).

Oh, and JerseyMoobs, who was so grateful he didn’t have to cook the duck testicles?  Now has OranJello’s duck testicles.  He says he’s never worked with them before.  In fact, he makes damned sure that we’re all well-aware he’s never worked with (or handled) ANY kind of testicle before…

because everybody knows if you so much as touch a testicle, it means you instantly become a cocksmoking rump-ranging queenyfag in drag, I guess

Remember a few episodes ago when Susur Lee talked about eating a testicle?  He didn’t seem worried that people might think he was a homoduck because he thought it tasted good.  Whatever.  Straight dudes worry about the weirdest things sometimes.  Meanwhile, Big-Haired Andrea landed a pretty sweet exchange by getting MassholEd’s wild boar, which looks pretty much like any other slab of steak and should be fairly easy to make something tasty out of… except Andrea says her game is off because of her discomfort with “the judging situation”.  C’mon Andrea, pull your big-ass hair out of your ass!  Maybe try imagining Bernie in her underwear or something…

or perhaps not

And here come Bernie and Scar now to start the judging situation with Miss Tamesha…

and her mouthy soup

Suddenly, Big-Haired Andrea is face to face with her nemesis, and all that stands between them is a boar-chop…

which she has somehow managed to make look uncomfortable as well

Bernie’s eating and says the flavors are beautiful, “but it’s a little chewy”…

and now Andrea would like to chew through Bernie’s neck for that

Damn, that hair is scary.  Let’s see how ChesTiffany revolutionized foie gras…

with BOOZE!

*hic!* Nosferatu is up next…

mmmm, that looks like six crumbs of Stove-Top Stuffing on the left!

Scar and Bernie begin to giggle as they approach a clearly uncomfortable JerseyMoobs and his ducknads dish…

and which totally looks like a Purina product

It looks like everybody’s having a good time with this plate…

except the ones who have to eat it

They move on to OranJello and his croc-pot creation…

which looks unsurprisingly Asian

Bernie’s chewing thoughfully and tells OranJello he’s created a beautiful flavor but the texture is “totally off”.  They move on to ShortyPants’ food next…

and has EVEN MORE BOOZE IN IT

We haven’t heard much from KennEgo this episode.  Not that I’m complaining or anything, but it is a little odd that I haven’t had to listen to “That’s irrelevant!” being yelled at someone in the last ten minutes.  KennEgo’s M.O. with the food, however, hasn’t changed in the slightest…

what, only two dishes today?…  he’s slipping

Naturally when he finishes explaining this orgasm on a plate, he stands there looking like he’s ready for a shower of praise, but they don’t show any.  Ha ha.

Now we’re going to see how Miss Swan was able to do with her omelet

yuh, it look gorgeous pretty beauty, okeh

Here’s our Llama Mama, Bloody Mandy with her super-rare meat…

that’s still llamooing

Or whatever sound it is that llamas make.  You’d think I’d know since my daddy used to have a couple on his ranch, but the only sound I ever heard them make was spitty noises.  In any case, tonight MassholEd’s the only one whose QuickFire dish we don’t give a fuck about…

for what it’s worth, here you go

Bernie says overall they did a great job of embracing the challenge, but her least favorite dishes belonged to ShortyPants and his hobbled frogs (which she actually calls “insipid”, so, OUCH) as well as Nosferatu for his ostrich meat being dry and his rhubarb sauce not being sweet enough.  Oh, and also, guess who else sucked?…

good ole hagface here

Damn, I hope when she sees this episode she realizes that she should never make that face again, it makes her look too much like Mr. Incredible.  In a drag queen wig.  Anyhow, Bernie says the dish itself was fine, but the boar was undercooked.  Naturally Big-Hair’s hiding behind her bangs and saying how much it just sucks to be called out by Bernie on national TV, but I say shut it, mophead, at least she didn’t say your dish was insipid.

On the plus side, she really liked Miss Swan’s omelet, saying what she did with that giant egg was amazing, it was creamy and delicious and well-balanced with her harissa sauce.  Also getting love is Miss Tamesha’s duck-tongue soup for being almost perfectly cooked and light in flavor.  Oh yeah, and Bloody Mandy’s gets kudos for doing a beautiful job with her llamameat, which she totally lucked into.  Also, BWAHAHAHAHAHA that KennEgo and OranJello are stuck in the middle and not in the top this time!

So the winner of today’s Creepy Protein Extravaganza is… Miss Swan!  Yay for the Miss Swamelet!…

and ShortyPants couldn’t be happier if he were personally holding her head underwater

She gets immunity and an honorary membership in the Creative Emu Abortion Club.  Now it’s time to chat about the Elimination Challenge, which Scar says will be launching them into “a cold war”.  HA!  Like that’s not already going on between OranJello and KennEgo as we speak.  Catch up, Scar!  Anyhow, she says they’ll be making a dish “best served cold”.  For this challenge they’ll be divided into two groups, the Haves and the Have-No—er, I mean Groups A and B.  Group A will start by presenting their cold dishes to the Judges panel… as well as Group B, who gets to critique the food… and then vice-versa.  At the end of each session the judging group of chefs will nominate one chef on the other team for the win, and one to be sent home…

*GULP*

I suspect the only real cold dish that’s going to get served here today is revenge, and KennEgo knows it, too:  “I’m thinking that there’s gonna be a lot of strategy involved… if there’s any inkling to get a powerful chef out of the competition this is definitely a way to do it.”  Which I think is his indirect way of saying “Maybe being a giant cock-and-balls asshole to everybody wasn’t such a smart move on my part.”

In any case, because Miss Swan has immunity, she’ll be dining with both groups and doesn’t have to cook.  SCORE!  Let’s trot out the Magic Knife Block Of Drama™ to see how our groups are going to shake down:

Group A:  Bloody Mandy, Nosferatu, JerseyMoobs, MassholEd and KennEgo
Group B:  ShortyPants, Big-Haired Andrea, Miss Tamesha, ChesTiffany and OranJello

Of course Group A would wind up with all those Alpha Bitches, and Group B is mostly Bottom Dwellers.  Let’s call them that for the rest of this episode, shall we?

oooh, this is just like the “Beat It” video (and everyone has knives)!

Then Scar tells them they’ve got a treat in store for them… they’re going on a cruise of the Potomac to do their menu-planning while sailing on the U.S.S. Sequoia, which is the Presidential Yacht.  When nobody shouts or faints or jumps up and down, Scar says “That’s the maritime version of Air Force One.”  Yeah, and its still crickets.  She tries again, telling them President Kennedy had meetings there during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and President Nixon negotiated a major nuclear arms treaty there as well.  I don’t know about you guys, but being in a place where so much apocalyptic shit got discussed sure would make me hungry.  Or depressed.  Probably both.  I mean, that’s like asking people to get creatively inspired after watching “The Day After” or “Testament” or “Threads”…

shall we play a game?

The flimsy tie-in is that they get to use this “historic setting” to plan their own “cold-war strategy”.  Um, yay for boat rides?  Well, they all dutifully trundle on down to the boat, and KennEgo immediately sets himself up in the Presidential Stateroom, perhaps at the very desk where JFK drafted letters to Khrushchev…

and where he now considers deployment of nuclear lambbombs

He thinks the whole “Cold War” theme ties in very well with the idea of Group Alpha Bitches and Group Bottom Dwellers judging each other’s food, “I’m feeling nervous because I think that the other chefs are out to get me.”  Gee, paranoia is fun, isn’t it?  At least, it is for everybody that’s out to get you.

He’s not the only one, cuz Bloody Mandy’s in a funk and making weird comments, saying something about how the other chefs have not yet “grasped the gravity of the situation… no one really understands how hurtful, vulnerable and scary the impending challenge is.”…

herself included, I guess

What in the blue fuck is that all about?  Oh, I just stopped caring because I heard her asking ShortyPants what he was planning to do, and she actually called him “Shorty”, hahaha!  So anyhow, Shorty’s talking about the dish he’s planning (which isn’t really important because we know it’s not going to win) and OranJello’s chatting with him and offers a couple of suggestions of ways he might make it better.  Oddly enough, they don’t notice JerseyMoobs lurking in the background…

…and in plain sight

For some reason OranJello being helpful to people is really disturbing to Mr. InvisiMoobs, who interviews that it could be “a bad thing”, claiming that the chefs need to cook their own food and not what OranJello tells them to cook.  Wait, what?  I didn’t hear him telling anyone what to do, only offering suggestions.  Unless he pulled a gun on them after the cameras went away, I’m pretty sure the other chefs are going to do whatever they want to do.

Oh, but he’s not finished just yet, because now he puts on his GossipMoobs hat and runs to tattle to Big Daddy KennEgo (*dry heave*) about all that damned helping going on abovedecks…

this is only shocking if “advice” = “blowjobs”

KennEgo’s response is:  “Again?” and he tells us he doesn’t know where OranJello thinks his advice “is going to get him, unless he’s looking to manipulate other chefs’ personal insecurities.”…

“Ugh, I don’t know what OranJello thinks being helpful to other people is going to get him…”

“…other than, you know, not being voted to get sent home…?”

Failing to grasp the true irony of his own blatherings, KennEgo tells JerseyMoobs that he thinks it’s ironic that OranJello’s  “strategically trying to tell everyone how to do their stuff.”  JerseyMoobs agrees that it’s bullshit.

What’s bullshit is actually this entire conversation.  I don’t know if this little vignette was manufactured by the Magical Elves or if JerseyMoobs and KennEgo are truly just that exceedingly jealous and hateful (or downright stupid) but none of this makes any sense whatsoever.  How is it in the slightest bit “ironic” for OranJello to offer someone advice in his own group (i.e. ShortyPants)?  He can’t “manipulate” people that aren’t going to be responsible for voting him into the bottom.  Even if he was giving advice to members of Group Alpha Bitches (and the only one I saw up there with him was Bloody Mandy) do they really think that he is so persuasive that a) someone would do what he told them to do and then b) not vote him to be put up for elimination no matter what the quality of his dish was??!?!?  I think these two (particularly KennEgo) don’t fully understand the meaning of the word “strategic”…

they sure do know “shit-talking”, though

OK, so the boat ride is over, and I’m not sure how inspiring it was for any of them as far as their actual dishes are concerned (you know, except for the ones that are currently under the sway of OranJello’s Evil Mind-Control Rays™) but now it’s time to head off to Whole Paycheck Market.  The Citrus One (thanks ValleGirl!) actually does seem to understand strategy, because he’s telling us if a dish is going to be served cold it will need more robust flavors.  To that end, he’s spotted some “sexy” sockeye salmon that he believes will be very bright and vivid-tasting once he poaches it in olive oil.

Miss Tamesha’s also planning on using seafood, this time the ubiquitous scallop, with a rhubarb jus (??!?) and some long pepper.  Scallops seems to be almost as hard to get right on this show as gnocchi, I hope she’s not headed for the Undercooked Ravine™.

Nosferatu says the toughest thing about this challenge is having the other chefs judge his food, but he insists to us that he’s going to be completely fair and only judge the others based on the food itself, not who cooked it.  ChesTiffany immediately makes him a liar when she says he told her that he wouldn’t vote off ShortyPants even if his food was bad because “he loves his [ShortyPants’] personality in the house”…

clearly Nosferatu is a masochist… or attracted to leprechauns

Back to the Hiltchen for their 2 hours of prep time, and Big-Haired Andrea’s got her heart set on following KennEgo’s example and making not one, not two, but three different tartars.  You see, she’s still obsessed with impressing Bernie, and says that she and Bernie were both “rising at the same time” but then their paths diverged when Big-Hair met Mr. Big-Hair and they started having a bunch of Little Big-Hairs.  Meanwhile, Bernie’s career continued to rise while Big-Hair fell out of the limelight and into the glamorous world of poopy diapies, runny noses and near-constant whining…

awwww, hi there, punkins!  I betcha didn’t know that mommy blames you for her career failure…

Speaking of near-constant whining, KennEgo’s back, and guess what?  He’s also doing multiple preparations of protein.  I know, shocking, right?  In this case, it’s lamb that he’s going to wow everyone with, “When the competitors see my dish… I hope that they get that lump in their throat knowing that I’m a threat.”  You know, I never thought that swagger could actually be boring, but his constant overuse of it is just getting ridiculous, especially when he follows it up with abject fear:  “I’m just worried that they’re gonna put me in the bottom because of it.”  Wait a minute, which one is it, do you really want them to feel threatened, KennEgo, or do you want them to keep you because they’re not afraid of you?  You can’t have it both ways.  And why am I yelling stuff at my TV?

(unrelated off-topic side-note you can skip if you like:  I just overheard this from the BF in the other room who is playing with our new kittens, Chunky and Chica:  “Awww, I really shouldn’t kiss you in the face because you use that mouth to lick your own butthole… but you’re just so cuuuute… mwah mwah mwah mwah!”  Eeeeeew, I doubt he’ll get me to kiss him later.)

Bloody Mandy is back, and she’s chopping the hell out of some chicken, which she says she’s going to make a galantine out of.  I dunno what that is, so I guess it’s time for Wikipedia more elaborate and exhausting research.  Apparently it’s made out of deboned poultry, coated in aspic (or meat-stock Jell-O, yum) and then pressed into a cylindrical shape to be sliced and served cold…

where it winds up looking suspiciously like pimento loaf

Blech, this sounds gross.  Not helping things is Bloody Mandy’s method of working very dramatically in the kitchen, with lots of yelling and running and swearing and annoying everyone else, especially Miss Tamesha, who still harbors resentment over having been forced to work with Mandy on their Alcoholic School Lunch Team.  “I just stay away because… I could probably strangle her in a heartbeat.”…

stay strong, girlfriend

Meanwhile, she’s still consorting with the Evil OranJello and telling us how much they respect each other.  Big-Haired Andrea looks on and is still suspicious of his motives, thinking that this is part of his “Cold War strategy”.  So what does The Citrus One finally have to say for himself on the subject?  “Do I trust everyone in the house?  No, not at all.  There are these conspiracies that I’m here to play tactical games.  I’m here to play and win…”

“…and glow like an overripe kumquat!”

ShortyPants is starting to catch on to the fact that each team has a super-strong competitor on it (i.e. KennEgo for the Alpha Bitches, and OranJello on the Bottom Dwellers) and it slowly dawns on him that if those strong competitors were removed then “a lot of other people would have a little breathing room!  That’s a lot of power in our hands!”  DUH…

why does he always look like he just barely woke up before they interviewed him?

Prep time is over, and the chefs make their way over to what Bloody Mandy calls “a stately room in D.C.” to finish putting their dishes together…

“stately” = “garish”

That is waaaay too much avocado for one room, even if this were the height of the 70’s.  And I think JerseyMoobs’ generous ass there is far more tasteful looking.  In any case, we haven’t heard much from MassholEd, probably because he’s been so busy trying to schedule playtime with ChesTiffany’s love-globes and a bottle of Astroglide.  He feels that he’s pretty safe in today’s challenge because he doesn’t “have any beef” with anybody on Team Bottom Dwellers…

huzzzzzzzzzzzz

I’d say it’s because he’s too boring for anyone to care about “having beef” with him.  We will see a little later that his statement isn’t quite true, but right now it’s time for more KennEgoisms™ as he’s bragging how he’s “ready for every battle”, and that the other competitors have to be thinking about him because he “gets done pretty quick” and that he’s “usually on the top”.  Thus he believes that their thought process will be “We want the person that is gonna be a stud every single day to get out of the house!”…

would it be at all ironic to consider yourself a stud when you often “get done pretty quick”?

Oh, and also?…

disco-flavored Tamesha eye-roll!

Just before time is called Bloody Mandy goes up to Nosferatu with a piece of her chicken pimento loaf.  He chews thoughtfully and says it needs seasoning, which Mandy insists she’s going to do.  Nosferatu tells us that he thought he tasted a piece of cartilage “But I’m not gonna say anything… it is a game.”  It’s also a dick move.  What harm would it have done to tell her that?  These people are such asshats.

Time is called, and the Judges arrive together… there’s Daddy Tom, Scar, Bernie (no Erique The Rippert today, but we have Gail Simmons instead, so I’m happy) and also sitting on the Judges’ side of the table is Miss Swan.  Group Bottom Dwellers is on the other side of the table and ready for the slaughter critique.  Here’s where I think this challenge broke down… they should have kept everything secret so the judging chefs wouldn’t know whose dish was whose, and it would have kept the comments fair and unbiased (probably).  Oh well, it’s more dramatic this way.  Let’s start with Bloody Mandy’s Gristletine…

that reminds me of a vagina filled with Stove-Top Stuffing

…wow, two Stove Top references in one recap?  I must be hungry.  Anyhow, this is followed by JerseyMoobs’ “surf’n’turf” plate…

which looks like kind of a cold mess

Can anyone tell me what “Mediterranean Condiments” are?  Is that chefspeak for “olive oil”?  It’s a mystery to me.  Let’s see what our QuickStud KennEgo did (if we can catch it before it’s over)…

ever notice he almost always makes one of those squiggle-tuile-thingies with his dishes?

Next in line is Nosferatu…

who still likes to decorate his dishes with a dollop of TruBlood reduction

Bringing up the rear is MassholEd and his no-beef neutralness

what lovely finger sammiches, they go together so well with that bowl of Exorcism soup

BTW, he cured the salmon with VODKA!  That’s it, Season 7 is now officially the Substance-Abusers Season.  Anyhow, Scar suggests they begin with KennEgo’s lamb dish.  ChesTiffany says it’s “a li’l chewy”, while unsurprisingly OranJello complains that the okra in the carpaccio was not a good “experience” because it made the lamb slimy.  Who would have thought they wouldn’t like KennEgo’s dish?  Certainly not KennEgo!  See, that’s why he’s so sure that it’s a fear-based thing:  he can’t conceive that his food isn’t picture-perfect every single time, so it must be that they all hate him for being so good.  Which they totally do, but I don’t think that’s the case this time.

They move on to Nosferatu’s lambikins.  Miss Tamesha hesitantly says the tzatziki is “kinda heavy” and Big-Haired Andrea gives a halting critique of the beet needing salting or pickling or something “more”, and it becomes quite clear that Bernie sitting across the table staring at her has almost completely unnerved her…

battle of the big-haired blonde bitches in red blouses

As for Miss Bloody Mandy’s dish, it’s probably not a good sign when OranJello takes a big sniff before biting into it…

maybe he’s trying to figure out what kind of booze she soaked it in first?

Miss Tamesha says it needs salt to bring out the flavors more, and OranJello says the meat wasn’t cold enough, he could “taste the proteins congealing and coagulating”.  Then Big-Haired Andrea bites into a piece of cartilage and that’s all they have to say about the dish.  Except FAIL.

They move on to JerseyMoobs’ surf’n’glurf.  ShortyPants loftily says that it was beautiful to look at, but claims it had a “lack of acidity” and became “one note”.  Big-Hair jumps on the bandwagon, claiming she’s all about acidity (gee, no kidding, Miss Chin-clench 2010) and now Daddy Tom is looking totes puzzled.  “Did nobody else get the Meyer Lemon slices that were on there?  Also the tomato had a lot of acid!”…

two words:  BUS.  TED.

ChesTiffany jumps in to say she thought JerseyMoobs’ dish was fine, she had no problems with acidity.  She interviews that the chefs are being super-harsh, and it’s scaring the shit out of her for what the Alpha Bitches are going to say about her dish…

hopefully nobody says that it tastes like MassholEd

Speaking of MassholEd, his salmon sammiches are the last thing to be critiqued by the Bottom Dwellers.  OranJello says he wishes he could have eaten all the components separately, he believes the pumpernickel bread was like an unpleasant dry sponge.  Miss Tamesha didn’t like the large segments of lemon in the dish, and thinks they should have been broken down further.

Now Scar asks them to choose the best dish.  Big-Haired Andrea, ShortyPants, OranJello and Miss Tamesha all pick JerseyMoobs (wow, isn’t that weird for ShortyPants to vote like that after he complained so bitterly about its “one-note-ness”?).  ChesTiffany, on the other hand, says that if her secret lover MassholEd’s pumpernickel bread had been of better texture she’d be voting for him, but it wasn’t, so she’s gonna throw her vote in behind Moobsie, too!

As for their least-favorite… there’s a beat of silence… and then OranJello speaks up to say for him it was clear that it’s KennEgo’s dish he doesn’t like, saying the vision was convoluted and the flavors muddled. Is he just being bitchy?  If he is, it’s catching, because ChesTiffany agrees with him, saying there were “too many things combatting” in her mouth…

yay for made-up English words!

ShortyPants calls it “texturally unsuccessful” and labels it the worst of the bunch.  Big-Haired Andrea tries to make a case for Bloody Mandy’s dish being the worst because she got a piece of cartilage in her portion, but she also didn’t like KennEgo’s dish.  Daddy Tom asks her if she thinks a conceptual mistake (KennEgo) was worse than a technical one (Bloody Mandy) and she goes with technical, so her vote is for Bloody Mandy.  Miss Tamesha weighs in that KennEgo was her least favorite as well, and Scar says that majority rules in this case, so JerseyMoobs is up to win, and KennEgo is *gasp* up to go home!

Tonight’s vignette is the diametric opposite of last week’s Two Minutes In Praise Of KennEgo.  This time it’s mostly people bitching about OranJello and how he tries to “possess people’s minds”.  Jesus H. Fucknuts On A Cracker, do any of these people know how to think for themselves?  I just don’t buy this crap, and I don’t know why the show seems intent on pushing it down our throats.  Then we learn that MassholEd has actually known OranJello for quite a number of years because they “used to date the same girl.”  Yes, he actually claims that shortly after OranJello started dating her, he started dating her, too!  Or, as he puts it to Big-Haired Andrea “I used to bang his girlfriend.” and they giggle…

aaaaaand downgrade

Is anybody else not buying this?  Sorry, but I just can’t see MassholEd as a lady-stealer.  A lady-loser, yes, but I can’t wrap my mind around the thought that someone would deliberately choose the Doughy Chinless White Boy over the Exotic Orangeish Latino.  Maybe the other way around…

Back at the competition, Group Bottom Dwellers is finishing their dishes, and ChesTiffany’s fretting because she thinks her food is too simple, while OranJello says he knows he’s putting too much condiment on his salmon chunks, but he can’t help himself, he wants those flavors to be more intense.  When time is called and he hands it off to the serving staff, he makes sure to admonish them “Careful.  It’s like a baby.”  If I had been that server, that would have been my cue to become Mr. Fumblethumbs.

Back in the Other Gaudy Ballroom, Daddy Tom is joking with Group Alpha Bitches that the other group was talking major trash about their dishes.  Only he’s not really joking, they really did.  Ah well, no matter, cuz it’s their turn to complain about every miniscule detail as they are presented with the Bottom Dwellers’ menu, starting with ChesTiffany’s dish…

and it’s Crayola color palette

OranJello’s sexy salmon is up next…

it looks about as sexy as a baseball stadium urinal

Not that I’ve ever seen one of those.  Oh, I’ve been to baseball games (if you want to torture me for hours, this is the best way to do it) but I never ever peed there.  Because I imagined this is what it looked like.  Anyhow, let’s move on to Big-Haired Andrea’s multiple tartars…

gee, copy KennEgo much?

“Gee, copy me much?”

Let’s see how ShortyPants did!…

how many more plates of reddish beef and leaves can we see, please?

Heyyyy, didn’t he use BOOZE in this dish??!?  Who sobered him up?  Damn, he ruined my self-righteous streak!  Now I am pissed, and I say we move on to our last dish, which belongs to Miss Tamesha…

and her unorthodox usage of rhubarb

Group Bottom Dwellers is dismissed, and Scar suggests they start with ChesTiffany’s food.  Bloody Mandy thinks the gazpacho flavors are excellent, and Nosferatu thinks her tuna is perfectly seared and “refreshing”.  Big-Haired Andrea’s Trio Of Tartars doesn’t fare as well, KennEgo says he liked the flavors but the beef needed more seasoning, and MassholEd gives a gleefully pointless and vague critique, saying each component “definitely needed something.”  Like what?  A fork?  Some A1 sauce?  Microwaving?  Dumbass.

They try ShortyPants’ chilled beef, and KennEgo quickly says it doesn’t blow his socks off.  That’s cuz your feet are so fat, Chubbles!  Try some toezzercising!  Anyhow, his next zinger is needlessly cruel, “I’m not wanting to necessarily take another bite.”  Ouch.  MassholEd says he couldn’t taste the beef at all and then mindlessly invokes the Spirit of Clara Peller…

yeah, this one got real old real fast, even in the 80’s

Scar and Daddy Tom look as though they remember it about as fondly as I do

Why am I not surprised that MassholEd can’t come up with anything better than a tired fast-food slogan?  Maybe because he’s accustomed to using things that originated with other people?  I dunno.  As for Miss Tamesha’s dish, everybody is quiet for a moment, then Bloody Mandy waves her hand in front of her face and complains that the scallops are way too spicy.  Daddy Tom jokes that if they were ever curious about what long pepper tastes like, they certainly all know now, and he calls the dish “very strange”.  JerseyMoobs says his scallops were cooked on top, but raw on the bottom, and that they had a “funky flavor”, which I’m certain he did not mean in a Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air “Funky Flava” kind of way.

They saved The Citrus One’s dish for last.  This should be stunning.  KennEgo’s first (natch!) and says his problem with it is that once he took a bite he “couldn’t appreciate the flavor of the salmon” (which is his nicely non-specific and unquantifiable way of saying “I hate his ass, he could have made Liquid Sex In A Bowl and I’d still find something snotty to say about it.”)  Now he’s doing the exact same thing he accused everybody else of doing, voting not based on skill and food quality, but because of “strategy”.

When asked about favorites, I’m shocked that JerseyMoobs actually nominates OranJello’s dish.  The rest of the Alpha Bitches ain’t having it, though, and they all nominate ChesTiffany’s dish.  As for the loser, all five of them go with… Miss Tamesha!

daaaamn, girl?

Back in the Stew Room, the chefs decide that it’s time to stop being polite and start getting real.  Big-Hair makes sure to let Bloody Mandy know about the GIANT piece of CARTILAGE that she got in her bite of chicken pimento loaf, and that it was just SO big and she was biting on it rilly rilly rilly haaaard!  God, shut up Andrea, we’ve had enough of your whining for one episode.  I think it’s time for a fresh coat of L.A. Looks, your stringy-ass bangs are looking soggy.

Then, in a display of major ballsiness and outright stupid cruelty, OranJello takes it upon himself to actually inform KennEgo in front of everyone else that his dish was the one that was the unanimous choice to be in the bottom…

oh, no you DI-ent!

Sorry, I know that was a total dick move on OranJello’s part, but BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I am loving seeing that look on KennEgo’s face!  KennEgo is not loving it, though:  “I’m really trippin’ out because I… I… didn’t understand why I would be on the bottom.  There’s people that made bigger mistakes (camera cuts to Bloody Mandy) but it is what it is.”  I dunno why he’s surprised in the slightest, wasn’t this exactly what he was predicting would happen?

Finally Scar appears and summons ChesTiffany and JerseyMoobs, and once there they are given the good news that they are the favorites (Daddy Tom even goes so far as to say the real Judges “pretty much” agreed with their peers choice) and the full-on winner tonight is…

I guess this means that touching testicles was all worthwhile now?

Yup, JerseyMoobs wins this Elimination Challenge, as well as six nights stay at Paris’ family’s place in Honolulu plus airfare.  Moobsie gushes that it’s going to make a wonderful vacation for him, his wife, his daughter and their new baby.  Three words, Jersey:  get a sitter.

They ask him to send back Miss Tamesha and KennEgo and when they arrive, Scar tells them their peers voted them to be in the bottom and wants to know how they feel about it.  Miss Tamesha is actually surprised, claiming she makes that jus all the time with long pepper, she thinks it has enough of a kick, but isn’t overpowering.  Gail’s like ”That long pepper?…  was really strong, really overpowering.”  Bernie also brings up how the scallops only appeared to be cooked on one side, and that it became like “putting another tongue on top of your tongue” which was unpleasant.  The more they trash Miss Tamesha, the more KennEgo’s getting that smug-ass look on his face again.  Just wait for it, though, cuz it’s a-comin’…

So KennEgo says he felt like his presentation and flavors were sound.  I’m sure he’s biting back screaming “I’m here because they’re all jealous and they hate meeeeee!”  I was waiting for the Judges to agree with him.  KennEgo’s waiting, too, but he’s gonna keep on waiting, because Daddy Tom says it was one dish with two parts and nothing to bring those two parts together.  As in, more isn’t always better.  KennEgo claims both parts were seasoned exactly the same.  Gail says there was so much stuff going on that it diluted the flavors and they couldn’t taste the commonality between the two sides.

Then Scar asks him why he thinks the others voted him there, and naturally he trots out his I’m-A-Threat-They-Want-Me-Out-It’s-Strictly-A-Strategic-Move-Because-I’m-Always-In-The-Top Theory.  Then Bernie says something that makes me love her forever:

“Can I say something as a person that really just got here?  I really didn’t enjoy the flavors of the dish.  If I could sit here and actually talk about each piece that was on the dish it would take me through ‘til the end of the show…”

I ♥ Michelle Bernstein 4-EVAH

That hissing sound you’re hearing?  Is some of the air being let out of KennEgo’s overconfidence.  I must say, the judges actually didn’t like his dish, either, but I think we all know who’s really going home. ..

boo

Before we get to that, though, let’s check out one of the lamest Viewer Polls in the history of this show…

I guess now we know for sure that 36% of Bravo’s viewers are gay men

Seriously, they can’t get much stupider or inane.  I bet next week’s question will be “Which judge is more bald?”  Anyhow, it’s no surprise when Miss Tamesha is asked to pack her knives and go.  It’s also not surprising to hear ChesTiffany blaming OranJello, claiming he knew that the flavors in her dish were off, and that Miss Tamesha is going home because she trusted in his mentorship…

puh.  leeze.

What is surprising is to hear Miss Tamesha herself buying into that big bag of bullshit when she says that while OranJello has been a good mentor to her, she wishes she had taken “a little bit more control” over her dish….

bye, girl… and thanks for the big plate of eye-rolls

Wow, so there it is.  What did you think of this episode?  There are a lot of big questions I have this time around.  Do you believe that OranJello deliberately misled Miss Tamesha into ruin (thus sending home his one compatriot in the house), or do you believe she screwed up all on her own with a dish that was truly her own vision?  Do you believe the Bottom Dwellers voted KennEgo into the bottom because they’re threatened by him, or because his food really was the worst of all the dishes?  Or do you think they primarily did it to get rid of him, and his dish just happened to suck as well?  Lastly, do you guys believe that OranJello is strategizing when he gives advice, or is he just trying to be helpful?  And would a chef who takes his advice and fails be able to rightfully blame him for giving it, or themselves for taking it?

Thanks for taking the time to stick with me, I know these 10+ page recaps can be a chore to get through, but I just kept running wild this episode.  We’ll be back soon with more, and thanks as always for your thoughts and commentary.

Love,  J-Mo