-
TV Social
Login
Recent Comments
- NatPatBen: I cannot go to the new site at my job. Here’s what it says: “This Websense category is filtered:...
- Dashley: Hey guys – if you’re still on this comment thread sobbing at your incredible loss, you’re...
- Derek Hazelton: @Flipit, FYI, the new site works at my job, but then again, I’m a low level unimportant employee...
- snowshoecat: Yay!!!!!!!!!!! Lookin’ gooooood! Will CommentTrash appear here and on the gasm site? Enquiring minds...
- Dani: @rae– O.M.G.!!! Give it a rest! I won’t repeat what others have already...
- Flipit: You’re not crazy, Claire! Some people are able to just click their pic, but for others it doesn’t show...
- Clair: I tried it (I’m on a computer) and while it took me to my profile page, I didn’t see any avatar option.
- RTVfan: @itchy I’ve mentioned a couple times here and there that to add an avatar just click on your blank avatar....
- Madelyne27: @rae – holy exhausting shit, batman… stop! you’ve stumbled...
- Clair: Aww, Flippy, take your time. I was just curious. You’re doing an awesome job – thank you for creating a...
Hot Shows
-
Fresh Tweets!
Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
10:00 am
80 Comments
Tagged: Ben-Wa Balls, bravo, competition, continued depression, death wish, dickishness, food, food porn, Gail Simmons, I could eat an entire bag of Twix bars, iron chef, J-Mo, Masaharu Morimoto, Michelle Bernstein, morbid meals, need more Paxil, padma lakshmi, reality, recap, recycled challenges, Sexist Pigshit, show, spoof, tom colicchio, top chef, TV, tvgasm, Wolfgang Puck
Hi ‘Gasmii. I have to be honest with you guys here, this shit is getting harder and harder to watch. This season started out with so much promise to deliver delicious drama and cool challenges and funny fuck-ups… but somewhere along the way things have gone horribly pear-shaped (and I’m not just referring to Sexist Pigshit). Right now Top Chef: All-Stars feels like an inflatable sex-doll that’s sprung a slow leak in the middle of a desperate boink: it’s getting soft and mushy, it isn’t very stimulating, and we can’t be sure it’ll hold air long enough to deliver any kind of payoff. Not that I have a ton of experience with blow-up sex dolls or anything…
so let’s ask the experts here
I’m not tryina bitch or anything, but a normal Top Chef season runs about 15 episodes (including the Useless Reunion Snoozy Hour™) and by the time that rolls around we’re all kinda sick of seeing the same people every week… even when we actually like them. Contrast that with this season and the chefs we have left to root for…
looking sexier than ever, guys
You can see why some of the sparkle is gone, can’t you? The chefs are tired, the judges are tired, the challenges are tired, the food is tired, and sadly, I think all of us viewers are tired, too. And we still have two episodes left. Please give me a moment while I cry a little and eat some potato chips.
OK, I feel better, and I think I have the strength to start this shit up again. But I’m not going to hold back on calling out the bullshit, so be ready. For starters, we’re back in the Stew Lounge, and a Magical Elf must have just held up a placard that says “LOOK SAD AND GRAVELY LIE TALK ABOUT WHAT AN AMAZING CHEF [LAST PERSON ELIMINATED] WAS…”…
done
Yes, ChesTiffany was a “tough warrior” of a chef (according to the Gospel of Sexist BlazeHawk 4:23) but it’s time for her to trudge back to tiny-town Texas, and honestly, it couldn’t have happened a moment too soon…
girlfriend was getting a little stabby-eyed
The next Magical Elf placard says “NOW THAT 12 SECONDS HAVE PASSED, GET COCKY AND BRAG ABOUT YOUR WINNING STREAK AND HOW AWESOME YOU ARE…”
and done
Next M.E. placard: “PRETEND YOU AREN’T BOTHERED AT ALL BY [FAT CHEF] WINNING LATELY, THEN TALK UP YOUR WINS AND MAKE JERKWAD DOUCHEFACES DURING INTERVIEW”…
over-done
Yes, BlazeHawk’s here to make sure we all know he’s not worried about Sexist Pigshit’s lucky winning streak, because SexPig’s only won TWO Elimination Challenges in BOTH seasons of Top Chef he appeared on, whereas BlazeHawk claims to have won EIGHT. Except he’s wrong by my count, he won four during Season 4, and only three so far this season, so let’s go on ahead and add “counting single-digits” to the list of things BlazeHawk sucks at. Anyhow, last MagicElf placard must have read: “MARVEL AT THE FACT THAT THERE ARE ONLY THREE CHEFS LEFT AND THAT YOU’RE THE ONLY [GENDER] GOING UP AGAINST THE ‘[OTHER GENDER]‘S CLUB’ — BE SURE TO CONFIDENTLY ASSERT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LET THEM DOMINATE YOU”…
slightly under-done
LowFatSo’s really trying to convince us she’s ready to battle it out with the Boys’ Club, but it just sounds hollow and half-ass… which I will do my damnedest to keep this recap from becoming.
It’s the following morning, and we are somewhere in the kitchen-y bowels of The Stove At Flat Mantis. The chefs walk in to find a lemon-glazed Scar standing there with…
a lactating fuck buddy
KIDDING, that’s famous celebrity chef and restauranteur Wolfgang Puck, and the last time he was on this show (during the awesome Vegas Season 6) he was hucking donuts across the studio. He also had a clean shirt on, so I’m wondering if the WolfPuck stock has taken a tumble in this toilet-y economy. Maybe he’ll get pissed and start throwing something a little more lethal across the kitchen today, such as soup cans or cleavers or pots of boiling oil. What? Sexist Pigshit is standing front and center! This is our chance to have a semi-palatable Finale episode!
In any case, SexPig calls WolfGag an “icon” and a “legend” and says he is the only chef that Pigshit knew by name as a kid…
besides this one
Never mind the false praise that effortlessly (and turdishly) flows from Sexist Pigshit’s mouth, let’s get on to the LAST QUICKFIRE of the season! Scar tells them “Today will be different from anything you’ve experienced in the past…” and then immediately makes a liar of herself by telling them they have a choice of seven “Classic QuickFires” from past seasons. And these aren’t just any QuickFires, but the lamest of the lame…
gee, where’s the “taters” QuickFire?
oh holy shit, I was kidding
Seriously, this is such a crapfest… the other “classic” challenges aren’t much better, because they include “Hot Dogs”, “Hamburgers”, “One Pot”, “Canned & Dry Goods” and “Desserts” (which we all know they’re gonna avoid like radiation because it’s the only truly difficult challenge there). So much for it being “different from anything they’ve experienced in the past”… in fact, BlazeHawk is hoping he can do the Tacos because he won that QuickFire during his season!
In any case, Scar says the big twist here is that the chefs will be choosing QuickFires… for each other. WolfGlug does his best to try and legitimize the lame choices by telling them “some times der zimplest challenches are der toffest vuns!” I’m not so sure he’ll still be saying that when he’s been handed a plate of french fries to judge. Anyways, this episode starts it’s inevitable slide into death when Scar says Sexist Pigshit gets to choose first because he won last night’s Elimination Challenge. The shit-eating grin immediately resurfaces and Pigshit gleefully says he’s choosing his cousin LowFatSo to do the “Canned & Dry Goods” QuickFire…
guess who is super-relieved they’re not a part of the SexPig Family? (I mean, besides everyone else on the planet)
Yeah, Pigshit tells us he doesn’t care if they’re cousins, he’s going to give her something difficult to do. LowFatSo is sorta pissed because she believes that Canned & Dry Goods was the hardest one on the table (she’s wrong, it would have been DESSERTS), but there’s nothing she can do, except take out her frustrations on BlazeHawk (by giving him DESSERTS) so she turns to him and tells him he’ll be doing DESSER– er, “Hot Dogs”? Really? Aw, COME ON, LowFatSo! This is the guy who couldn’t even make a cookie a few weeks ago, why are you letting him off so easily?!? She must be exhausted.
Oh well, golden opportunity missed, and now it’s Blazey’s turn to choose for SexPig. He thinks about it, and remembers a few challenges ago where Pigshit was whining that he needed six or seven sauce pans to make his food good, so he decides to give him DESSERTS “One Pot”. ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, even STUPIDER choice! LowFatSo is rolling her eyes, too, because she points out that giving Pigshit one pot still gives him access to everything in the pantry, he can make whatever the hell he wants. I agree with her, it was not the brightest move on BlazeHawk’s part…
kinda like assigning someone hot dogs instead of DESSERTS
Too late now, their 45 minutes to cook has begun. LowFatSo knows that her canned products are never going to be considered the best of ingredients, so she is gathering as many spices and herbs as she can to jazz things up and is going to try to give them a nice coconut curry soup. That will totally taste like preservatives, but whatever, a little tarragon will magically whisk that flavor away, right?
Meanwhile, Sexist Pigshit is sorta bemoaning the fact that it’s hard to make a “composed” dish with only one pot, so he’s decided to make a play on Beanee Weanee Pork’N'Beans using a pressure-cooker as his one pot. Why the pressure-cooker? Because normally pork takes about 3 hours to braise properly, and I’m hoping that this means he’ll be serving Leather’N'Beans to Scar and WolfGoogle at the end of only 45 minutes.
As for BlazeHawk, he wishes he could make a fresh hot dog (with liquid nitrogen somehow) but he has to use cheap knock-off Moscar Beyer weiners instead. However, he is going to bake his own bread (which is so ambitious that he’s already patting himself on the back with one flour-y hand) and make a “curried ketchup” sauce. Also, he’s chopping up the hot dogs and sautéing them with hoity-toity herbs like fennel and celery seed in an effort to mask their usual “beeflips’n'assholes” flava…
yay for Severed Penis Surprise™!
So everybody is working frantically as time ticks down… and then Scar shows up. And she’s smiling in that special way that says…
you are all fucked
The chefs all know it, too, because LowFatSo looks even more exhausted and says to Pigshit, “If she tells me to start cooking your dish…” SexPig shushes her violently, as if Scar might change her might upon hearing the idea and tell them to do just that. No, instead of an original twist, they’re going to recycle more old Top Chef crap, this time in the form of “classic twists” and here’s what they have to choose from: Cooking With One Hand (which we all know forces you to do things with your mouth that you wouldn’t normally do)…
who else wishes for a penis pic and some Photoshop right now?
I totally would, but I don’t like for these recaps to end up NSFW so you’ll all just have to use your imaginations on this one. For 0.00023 seconds. Anyhow, the second twist is Cooking With No Utensils (which is making LowFatSo extremely nervous, because she still has to open up all her cans) and the third and final twist involves…
having sex with Beaker while cooking!
KIDDING! This is the “double-apron” twist from Season Seven (Sux) in which two chefs have to be bound together like Siamese Twins and work with only one hand each (so it’s like Cooking With One Hand doubled!) so whoever gets this has to work tied up next to Beaker. Which does sound kinda porno-ish. Anyhow, HI BEAKER, WE LOVE YOOOOOOUUUUU! ENJOY THE $10,000.00 WE’RE ABOUT TO GIVE YOOOOOUUUUUU!
Scar says (in a twist!) that they’ll be choosing their twists for the other chefs in reverse order, starting with BlazeHawk picking for Sexist Pigshit. With almost no hesitation (or meaningful thought) he says he wants Pigshit to be Cooking With No Utensils, which makes LowFatSo giggle with relief…
and prompts yet another boner-killing face from SexPig
Strangely, he doesn’t look all that bothered by it. We’ll see why in a minute. Next, it’s LowFatSo’s turn to choose for BlazeHawk (which means she’s really picking for herself since she gets the leftover twist) and she decides to assign him Masturbating Cooking With One Hand, which means she gets to have Cooking In Bondage With Beaker. They still have 30 minutes left to cook, so let’s see how that works…
who knew Ziplocs could be so ornery?
Meanwhile, Sexist Pigshit’s chugging along without utensils pretty easily, all he has to do us crunch up some nuts (easily accomplished by banging the heavy cutting board on them) and squeezing some citrus juice (which you can tear open with your bare hands) but his cabbage salad and his pork pieces have already been cut, so he doesn’t really need much more in the way of tools at this point…
other than mildly wishing he had an electric fennel-plucker
This asshole has the luck of the devil today. Damn you, Blazey, can you picture him being able to open a pressure-cooker with ONE HAND??!?!?!?! Neither can I, which is why I would have given him that twist, you spiky-haired dipshit. He begins to understand his error, too, as he now sees SexPig has nothing better to do than wait for his pressure-cooker to finish braising his pork…
and try to lure Beaker and LowFatSo into a vomitous ménage à trois
And now BlazeHawk keeps whining about how this is the toughest QuickFire in the history of Top Chef evaaaaah, and it’s so haaaaard to cut limes one-haaaaaanded, and he’s in liquid nitrogen withdraaaaaawl. OK, he didn’t say that last part, but I’m guessing that’s why his thinking is so muddled.
The moment of truth arrives for SexPig, he opens the pressure-cooker and pronounces the pork not really cooked where he wants it to be, so he’s putting it back in at an even higher temperature, and this is probably our best hope to prevent him from winning again… especially since BlazeHawk’s now in the middle of trying to plate one-handed and says he’s not real happy with the dish he’s made, saying the flavors are “a little molded together”…
which is BlaZpeak™ for “tastes like ketchup”
We have very little idea of how LowFatSo’s coconut curry dish tastes, all we know is that Beaker liked it and wanted to add some fresh lime zest to it before she remembered LowFatSo had to use all canned stuff. Oh well, time is up, and LowBeakSo is ready to present their dish to Scar and WolfGargle…
ruh-roh, did they end up having that three-way with Pigshit after all?
WolfGrunge says the dish has “ferry strong flafuhss, no?” Scar agrees, but WolfGross also says they are well-balanced flafuhss. At least, that’s what his mouth says…
his face, on the other hand, says “blurk”
congrats, you’ve just invented the CO-FAIL
Time to move on to BlazeHawk, and what he’s trying to call “currywurst”…
minus the “curry”
He makes sure to talk up his making his own “bread”, which, let’s not get carried away, it’s flatbread. HEY, doesn’t that look like a slice of pizza? Only it’s not pizza, it’s cut-up hot dogs on flatbread with leaves! Wow, I think I just orgasmed in my undies. KIDDING! I’m not wearing any undies. Anyhow, WolfGunk takes one look and says “I sink I coult feed dat to my kidss ad home, huh? Dey woold loff dat! Dey loff sossage an kaytdchup!”…
buzz. ted.
Pigshit gleefully says Blazey’s dish was surprisingly plain and simple, and he’s convinced he has this win in the bag…
despite his continued insistence on making these hideous fugfaces, I fear he is on the right track
So here is his play on Pork’N'Beans…
or as I like to call it, Turd Base
After having some, WolfGrinch says “Vit der salahd, I like der balahnse.” More than he likes clean clothes, apparently. Seriously, WTF is up with that stained-ass shirt he’s wearing? Anyhow, now that they’ve tasted all three of these “hardest QuickFire EVAH” dishes, how did they really do? Immediately, WolfGrime tells BlazeHawk his dish was “a liddle bid too kaytdchuppy, maybe”…
can. not. un. der. stand. crit. i. cis. m. hate. all. aus. tri. ans. now.
However, he continues, “Bot, I sink oll in oll, it vas a very nize… sanwidge, if you wanna coll it dat!” Yowtch! Blazey ain’t winning. Then he moves on to LowFatSo: “I sought yoor soop was deliciouz, bud a liddle bid too concentwayted.” Great, just fuck me with a cactus right now. Lastly, for Sexist Pigshit: “I sought da balahnse was pweddy gut. The porg coult have been a liddle bid more cooked, bud I sink oll in oll you did a really nize job.” This is why it’s no surprise that the winner of the Last QuickFire Of Top Chef All Stars is…
the least palatable
Oh yeah, and to make matters worse, he gets $5,000.00 from WhoreLotto Wines. Still, that’s $5,000.00 more than he made on his last two Elimination Challenge Wins put together, so ha ha. Naturally this means we all have to suffer through the obligatory “I’m so awesome and I’m doing everything I set out to do” interview. All I can say to that is this: would he have won with a one-handed Dessert? No.
Let’s move on. Scar says they have “special guests” waiting to meet them at a Product-Placed-Hotel-You-And-I-Will-Never-Be-Able-To-Afford. All I can tell you about the place is…
it’s full of horny naked statues
As they’re making their way into this erotic sanctuary, BlazeHawk’s trying to be funny, speculating that their “special guests” could be either aliens or rock stars…
or maybe a combination of both
Ahhh, but instead of anything as cool as David Bowie, what the chefs find is just Scar, WolfGrudge (in that same dirty-ass shirt), Michelle Bernstein and an “alien” in the form of Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto…
who look very piss off to be here
Because he is either just that stupidly chauvinistic, or because the producers keep telling him it’s cool, Sexist Pigshit makes certain to let us all know that Michelle Bernstein is “one of the top women chefs in the country” and says she’s awesome…
for a chick cook
Meanwhile, LowFatSo’s busy being frightened by Morimoto and his pissyfaces. I think he’s just hungry since he lost a buttload of weight. In any case, the Elimination Challenge tonight is yet another recycle, it’s the “Last Supper” challenge from Beaker’s Season 5, Episode 12. Ok, A.) could we please have someone think of something original this episode? and 2.) that is still a really fucking morbid (and appetite-killing) thought, and third.) could we go get WolfGrit a clean shirt now, please??!?
Once again, because he won the last challenge, Scar gives SexPig first choice of which chef he wants to cook their last meal for. Surprisingly, he decides to select Michelle Bernstein, but then he mentions that she was a judge during Season Six in Las Vegas and she once told him he “underseasoned something”, so now he says in a rather angry voice that he wants “a second shot”…
to make it her literal last meal by poisoning her
Michelle, you in danger, girl! Don’t eat anything that tastes like bitter almonds. Or overweight man-jizz. Oh, and to make things even less fun? Scar just gave Sexist Pigshit the power to assign a chef to each of his other two competitors. FUUUUUUCK! This is so fucking annoying! If ever there was a time for the Knife-Block (and a little random fairness) it would have been now! But no, we’re recycling challenge after challenge and allowing SexPig to dictate the terms of everything else. So disgusted right now.
He immediately goes for LowFatSo’s throat for the second time this episode as he assigns her to have to cook for MoriMuerto, which he acknowledges is likely the most difficult of the three chefs…
sohungrysohungrysohungrysohungry
LowFatSo is well-aware that she’s just been handed a big piece of sloppily-prepared fugu to eat. SexPig’s not bothering to be coy about it, either, saying that he only wants to compete against BlazeHawk in the Finale, so, yeah, of course he’s trying to get her eliminated any way he can so there is no chance for him to get beat down by a lowly, inferior woman chef. This means, of course, that BlazeHawk gets to cook for WolfGangsta.
I guess my distress over watching this slow disaster unfold is why it barely registers with me when Scar holds up a Top Chef emblazoned envelope and says there will be “one final surprise” that will only be revealed later on…
oh, fuck your final surprise
Seriously, we all know it’s gonna be some stupid “cook one more dish” twist, because DUH, why else would it come into play later on? In the meantime, the chefs each get 10 whole minutes to plan menus with their respective not-really-dying chefs. WolfGaga says he gonna go bag to his roods, he wantz apple schtruudell, a goulash and shpaetzel that remind him of his muddah, who was olzo a chef…
with a fabulous beehive
Wow, WolfGroomed was once a hottie (with clean clothes)! BlazeHawk is getting a little bit uncomfortable because making strudel requires some kind of recipe, and they’re not allowed to bring recipes with them, plus there doesn’t seem to be an obvious way he can work liquid nitrogen into this kind of pastry dish, so his main thought at this point is….
aaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Naturally, Blazey makes sure to kiss ass on TV and say how fascinating it is to listen to WolfGristle yapping away about his family and how he grew up in a restaurant and says it’s prolly what makes the guy so successful today. Well, sure… that and his horribly overpriced food.
Meanwhile, Sexist Pigshit and Bernie have settled by a lily-pad littered fountain so he can pretend to care about find out what a woman chef wants for her dying meal. She says she’d like to have fried chicken, plus biscuits and gravy because it’s exactly the opposite of the food she had growing up. Her background is Jewish-Latino (Latish? JewTino?) and she did not have a piece of fried chicken until her father took her to KFC at age five…
the first of many big bony things Bernie has put in her mouth
She flat-out tells SexPig that he’s got it pretty damned easy, and he counters by insisting that “easy is haaard” and is it just me, or is there some kind of weird sexual vibe running between them and their usage of the words “easy” and “hard”…
or is it just the connection they share from having the same size thighs?
I don’t know for sure, but it’s creeping me right the fuck out. In any case, Pigshit says he isn’t worried about making her a nice plate of fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, he’s trying to figure out how to give her his version of it, which is quite possibly the smartest thing I’ve ever heard him say. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that this is another method of female-domination for him, i.e. “I’m not going to make what you’re asking for, I’m gonna make what *I* want and you’re gonna like it!” Ah well, who knows? Maybe Bernie is such a dominatrix in the rest of her everyday life that she likes to let a man take control of her from time to time. Even if that man is a schlubby spiky-haired dickbag.
So how are things going for LowFatSo and MoriMuerto?…
one word: subtitled
Dear Jesus, I have no idea how she is even able to glean the slightest bit of information from his English (which isn’t just fractured, it’s been stuck in a blender and put on “purée”) but he’s saying he wants rice, miso soup, pickled veggies and some sashimi. Then we get to see MoriMuerto’s photo as a youngster…
back when he was happy. and full.
For some reason LowFatSo is in so much awe of MoriMuerto that she’s referring to him as “superhuman” and she’s afraid she may never eat Japanese food again because she’ll be so scarred from this experience. This is not the attitude of a confident chef, and I am becoming increasingly worried, because she keeps gulping at the list of dishes he’s giving her, as if he’s just ordering from a restaurant and she’s required to make exactly what he wants. Snap out of it, LowFatSo! SexPig’s gonna put a spin on it, why can’t you?
Later on, back at The Stove At Flat Mantis, they’re all sitting around in the living room annoying each other, and LowFatSo makes the most disgusting comment I’ve heard since Sexist Pigshit last opened his mouth: “Mikey gave it to me twice today!”…
ick gross blech puke barf hurl yark heave convulse die
SexPig initially denies that he was flat-out trying to mess with her chances, and she just gives him the sideways-eye. Then she lies and claims she’s happy she was assigned MoriMuerto, and says if she pulls it off it will be a huge success. Then SexPig lies some more and claims that he and BlazeHawk have the hardest chefs to please, which is completely ludicrous, but that’s pretty much what his whole schtick is based on, outlandish claims that can’t be quantified…
not to mention those crack-house-bedroom-eyes of his
LowFatSo retires for the night and starts talking about her previous loss during her season, and she’s getting weepy-eyed over how much she wants to be at the REAL Finale, and again, this just isn’t sitting well with me, it feels really fatalistic on her part. This is exactly how people psyche themselves out.
It’s too late, the next day has dawned, and all three chefs are sitting in their hotel suite waiting to be called. BlazeHawk says he’s ready to throw up. Sexist Pigshit apologizes and puts his pants on agrees, he’s feeling sick to his stomach, too. LowFatSo can’t stop giggling like a crazy schoolgirl, especially when she hears SexPig jokingly tell Blazey that WolfGunk called and wants to know how the goulash is coming along. BlazeHawk tells us that it bothers him when Pigshit tries to get inside his spiky head, “But I’m very quick to remind Mike what the score total is… and I’m on the leader board!”…
for puking up stomach acid, maybe
Whatever, let’s get this recycled crapfest underway. They’ve arrived at the Whatever-We-No-Longer-Care-About-The-Name-Of-It kitchen to begin their final three hours of prep. Sexist Pigshit is determined to put “his little touches” on Bernie’s treasured fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, so instead of just breading and frying up the chicken, he’s going to cook it sous vide first. And instead of an actual biscuit, he’s planning on making a flaky empanada and putting an egg inside of it. Also, it appears he is literally trying to trip up BlazeHawk because he’s dropping his raw unused gizzards all over the floor by Blazey’s station…
guess that’s one way of “putting your own spin on things”
LowFatSo, on the other hand, is desperately trying to make everything exactly as MoriMuerto ordered it, making blind guesses as to how everything should taste. Considering the fact that she is not Japanese and has never shown herself to have any kind of serious skill when it comes to any Asian cooking, I think this approach is pretty suicidal.
As for BlazeHawk, well, he continues to whine about the “difficult cards” he’s been dealt and although he’s making it sound like he’s afraid to fuck up the dishes that WolfGassy wants, we all already know that he’s not going to give him a straight-up goulash, strudel and spätzle. Besides, we all know that at some point there must be clouds of chilly vapor emanating from his station, and we haven’t seen that, so it ain’t over yet.
Hey, here comes Daddy Tom to bother everybody! Except they’re wise to this, and he barely gets a rise out of any of them. Oh, he tries to prod Sexist Pigshit about his suddenly newfound sous vide-ing skills, and interviews that he thinks SexPig picked the easiest dish (DUH) but good ole Tubby-Schlubbo isn’t upset by it in the slightest…
he’s too busy making these vile egg-surprise pierogies
Daddy moves on to fuck with BlazeHawk, asking him all sorts of needless questions (with obvious answers) about how it feels to be back at this point again after having come so close and lost the first time around, and does he feel that Sexist Pigshit has a good amount of momentum going now with all of his recent wins? (Answers: “It’s scary.” and “Yes.”) Thanks, Daddy, that was about as useful as asking tornado victims if they’ll be buying a new trailer in a different park real soon. (Answer: “Of course! We love having our belongings scattered all fucked-to-breakfast over seventy-six different counties!”)
Nevertheless, he hits up LowFatSo, who immediately begins babbling about MoriMuerto, and his stories of playing baseball, and his mom sorting through every single grain of rice to make sure they were all perfect before cooking them, and Jesus what an anal-retentive family he has, and Daddy Tom doesn’t have to actually say much of anything here, his facial expression does it for him…
we’re all gonna miss you around here
And with a loud “Cook your hearts out!” he’s gone. Cha-ching! That’s another $50,000 (or whatever he gets paid) for 3 minutes’ work! He and Scar even have time to share a big doobie and get real hungry before the meal starts.
Meanwhile LowFatSo has pulled out her giant plastic-encased hamachi to start making her sashimi… except it smells funny, feels slimy and when she slices off a small piece (or rather, scrapes some disgusting looking jellied crap off of it’s surface) and takes a bite she nearly hurls. The fish tastes ready to go rancid…
maybe MoriMuerto will be so hungry and smelly from playing baseball that he won’t notice
She concludes that the fish is disgusting and now she cannot use it. Wait, really Top Chef??!? At this five-star resort they can’t get decent hamachi, or, you know, store it properly so it doesn’t go bad? This isn’t like last time where LowFatSo accidentally left her pork out overnight and had to chuck it for health reasons, she’s been expecting to use quality ingredients from this kitchen’s pantry (we can only assume that that’s where they’re getting their ingredients from, since there was no Whole Paycheck Market Segment™) and now she suddenly has to change course because her fish is fucked? I’m calling bullshit, this feels totally manipulated.
Attempting to create similar drama for BlazeHawk, we are treated to a short-lived situation in which he can’t seem to get the top off of his pressure-cooker (wouldn’t put it past Sexist Pigshit to have superglued the thing shut on him) but after a few minutes of using a very scientific approach (whacking it repeatedly with a wooden spoon) it finally pops open, so, crisis averted. Zzzzzzzz.
In the lavish dining room, the Judges Daddy Tom, Scar and Gail (plus WolfGrin, Bernie and MoriMuerto) are gathered in their finest evening clothes to begin their “Last Supper”…
and this is just about how serious it all feels
We also have a special “guest judge/cross-promotion/product-plug” in the form of a young woman named Melanie Dunea…
maybe she’s some kind of forensic scientist and the book is all pictures of post-mortem stomach-contents?
Ew. Either way, she has done “last supper fantasy photographs” for fifty chefs in her first book, which sounds like a pretty useless vanity-project to me. I’m curious who buys this kind of book? Do people really care what a bunch of rich-bitch chefs would have to eat if they were going to kick the bucket in the next 12 hours? Would someone want to recreate the meal and then afterwards say “Ahhhh, that was the ultimate… I guess I can just nip off and shoot myself in the head now.”? Is this something new that people can brag about on FaceBook?…
watch your frenemies comment on this shit
Meanwhile, LowFatSo is back in the kitchen furiously scrambling to try and find some kind of underwater animal that she can cut up into sashimi. She finds a big hunk of tuna fish in the fridge and decides to use that, even though she knows it’s not nearly as flavorful (or rancid) as the hamachi would have been, but she’s pretty much out of time and choices.
And yet, it’s not too late for BlazeHawk to do something really important…
such as make sure the novelty of using liquid nitrogen to cook with has completely worn off
Well, LowFatSo isn’t sure whether or not she’s successfully recreated Mama MoriMuerto’s original Ben-Wa Bento Box, but she’s about to find out, since she’s the first one up to serve…
perhaps this cute chunky bearish server dude will distract everyone from the food?
Or maybe it’s just me that’s been distracted by him. He’s cuuuuuute. Don’t you guys think he’s cute? Anyhow, LowFatSo’s food comes out and an icy sliver of fear slides straight into my heart when we see MoriMuerto’s initial reaction to the bento box placed in front of him…
彼女は私を殺害するように試みる!
Luh-loh. This is not a good sign at all. Nevertheless, LowFatSo gamely comes out before the chefs and explains the dish she has made…
well, it certainly is… geometric
MoriMuerto explains to the group (sort of) that this dish is based on something his mother would have made for him as a kid. Scar wants to know how LowFatSo’s version compares. Right away he says the miso soup is too salty, and then he says something about her having added vinegar, or she should have added some vinegar, I can’t tell, but he also claims he doesn’t dislike it. A small flame of hope begins to flicker here… and then is extinguished as Gail pulls yet another one of her overly dramatic coughing-sputtering-swearing-grabbing-frantically-for-her-water episodes. You know, this is the second time in two episodes that she’s pulled this shit, and she’s the only one who seems to be so sensitive to… well, what is it this time, Gail??…
her hubby must be a sad, sad man
Apparently LowFatSo has used too much scotch bonnet pepper in seasoning the tuna, which has erased all flavor of the tuna, which Gail claims was nicely seasoned on it’s own. Well, gee, maybe if LowFatSo’d been able to serve the goddamned hamachi, she wouldn’t have been so freaked about her tasteless tuna and tried to jazz it up with enough chili pepper to blow your mouth out, K Gail? SO annoying. Anyhow, Useless Photographer Woman says she gobbled up the rice because it was delicious. Bernie agrees, the rice was nice, and she thought that would have been the hardest part of the meal for LowFatSo to get right, she’s impressed with LowFatSo’s skills on it. Gail also mentions she loved the Asian pear and mushroom pickle, and WolfGroan agrees. Daddy Tom thinks the best part of it was the pickled eggplant…. but he says most Japanese food is very subtle in flavor… and there’s nothing subtle about this sledgehammer of a bento box…
so I die for nothing
Next in line is Sexist Pigshit with Bernie’s KFC Combo…
which he has apparently slathered with Herbal Essences Power Bead Body Wash™
WolfGulp calls it an “elegand verssion of fried chickun” and Bernie says she told SexPig he could have “creative license”. He wants to know how Bernie’s mom makes fried chicken and she quickly replies “My mother doesn’t make fried chicken… we’re Jewish-Latins, we don’t know anything about fried chicken!”…
now matzah ball tacos, on the other hand…
Scar wants to know what Bernie really thinks of the dish. She says she was “a little bit blown away” by the fact that SexPig put an egg inside of an empanada and called it a biscuit (yay!) but she thinks that’s really awesome and has a great texture (boo!). Then she complains that her mother is always trying to stick eggs into empanadas and Bernie always asks her not to, but I guess when Pigshit does it, it’s okay? Double boo.
MoriMuerto is less sexually aroused by the eggpanadas, and says the white-meat portion of his chicken was a little dry. Gail says the batter on it wasn’t crispy, it became flabby and slid right off the piece of chicken. Daddy Tom calls it an “interesting” way to go about doing fried chicken (i.e. cooking it sous-vide first and then frying it), he says the problem is the batter doesn’t really adhere to the chicken itself, thus the flabby sliding bits. But he still thinks it’s a nice dish. Bernie pipes back up to say this is not at all what she would have done (yay!)… but she loves that (boo!)… in fact, she loves it so much that she’s almost purring….
someone needs to get laid (or get a rabbit) before they embarrass themselves any further
Hey that cute ServerBear is back!…
ok, so maybe *I* need to get laid before I embarrass myself any further
In any case, it’s BlazeHawk’s turn to serve his dehydrated pseudo-Austrian deathmeal…
see those jizzboogers at the top? that’s extreme sour cream
and see those jizzboogers on the left? that’s just disgusting
This would all seem a lot cooler if he hadn’t already busted it out in every single other challenge this entire season. But nevertheless, all we hear at first are people making yummy-sounds and going “Mmmm” a lot. WolfGrin turns to MoriMuerto and asks him if he’s gonna moove to Austria now because he seems to like the food so much. MoriMuerto agrees, anything to get away from that awful bento box from earlier. WolfGiggle goes on to say that this dish is todally reminding him of his childhood, goulash for them was somesing really spezial (and not just the throwaway leftover-user-upper that we think of in this country).
Daddy Tom says the onion is somewhat undercooked and he wishes that the dish itself was hotter. WolfGramps says the spätzle was a little hard, perhaps because they were setting in the kitchen for a long time. Gail says the strudel is outstanding, the flavors are great, and Bernie’s loving all the “little touches” (a.k.a. jizzboogers) but he kept the integrity of the original flavors. WolfGump finishes by saying even his sainted mother would have approved of this dish…
and her hair would have been this big by now
Back in the kitchen, the chefs are all beating themselves up for their fuckups (well, everybody except Sexist Pigshit, well all know he thinks he nailed it because Michelle Bernstein’s about ready to slide off of her chair). In the dining room, Bernie’s proving him right, because she’s breathily praising him for being so super-creative. WolfGag disagrees, saying he believes SexPig was trying to be overcreative, and that they should be loving the food the way their mother cooked it. Except Bernie’s mom didn’t, so that argument really doesn’t work in her case.
As for LowFatSo, Gail says she could see how she was trying to be delicate with the food, and the pickled veggies were grand, but MoriMuerto says while he appreciates the difficulty of what she had to do, he can’t say she is the best chef of the three. FUUUUUUUUCK.
WolfGong says BlazeHawk did a great job on the goulash, he kept things simple and used the “best ingredients” (which he is extremely lucky were not improperly stored and therefore on the verge of spoiling by the time he got to them). Gail thinks he balanced his modern techniques (LIQUID NITROGEN) with the classic dishes (OLD SCHOOL) and it came out still reminding them of what the food was supposed to taste like.
The chefs return to the dining room…
looking like they expect to be executed
Scar tells them that Judges’ Table… is starting right now! Bernie tells Sexist Pigshit (with a wink and her room key) that his chicken wasn’t juicy enough, and the breading was sliding off of it, but other than that, it was a perfect dish. WolfGank tells BlazeHawk that the flavors in the goulash were right on, but the spätzle was tough. MoriMuerto thanks LowFatSo for reminding him why Japan’s cuisine is superior to American crapfood for making him his last supper, and that her version was a little different from what he expected, and it was interesting, but her miso soup was too salty. And the winner tonight who is guaranteed a spot in the Final Finale is…
tired-ass dirtychin here
Yay, Richard BlazeHawk finally gets to come back and freeze shit into jizzboogers for the Finale. Woo hoo. The only silver lining here right now is…
seeing SexPig’s face
I should point out that Pigshit is so pissed that he can’t even be bothered to congratulate Blazey, he’s just standing there staring at the ground like the ultimate dick that he is. Of course, BlazeHawk is giving him a run for his money, douchily bragging that he has now accomplished the first of his two goals, which was to go two full seasons of Top Chef without ever once having to hear Scar tell him “Richard, please pack your knives and go.” I guess only the Nobel Peace Prize is a higher honor, and then just barely. What a pair of dicks these asshats are.
Anyhow, Scar turns to Pigshit and LowFatSo and says “Remember this?”…
and we still say, fuck your final surprise envelope bullshit
Naturally everybody pretends like they have no clue what’s in the dratted envelope, but honestly, everybody in my house (including my kitties Chunky and Chica) guessed that these two have to make another dish. LowFatSo pulls the card out of the envelope and reads: “There will be one more challenge to determine who will claim the last spot in the Finale”. Then Daddy Tom tells them they have to do one more “one bite” dish in 45 minutes, and whoever makes the best bite gets to go up against BlazeHawk.
So it’s back to the kitchen for LowFatSo and Cousin SexPig to bang out their respective bites, and both of them are exhausted. Pigshit wants to do “something bold with some textures” but he doesn’t want it to be something anybody else would do… so he grabs beef tenderloin and lobster tails, because no one else would ever even think of doing “Surf’N'Turf”…
totally new dining concept
He believes by using “high-end product” that this will snag him the win, and feels his creativity will pull him through… unless LowFatSo executes a “perfect fish & sauce”. Say, by the way, what is LowFatSo planning to make here?…
crap, he clocked her
I have to say, he zeroed right in on what she would do, and I am honestly disappointed. In both of them, actually, because I felt like this would have been the perfect time to pull out an awesome little elegant dessert bite. In fact, if I had been in charge, that would have been the requirement, because it would have forced their hand on who bothered to even try figuring out any pastry. But that would have been imaginative and apparently we can’t have that, so ho hum, they get a surf’n'turf and another fish dish. Oh well, time has finally run out, and they are ready to present to Judges’ Table. Hey! Look who’s here!…
you think his boyfriend works on the show? cuz he’s getting an awful lot of face-time tonight
They begin with LowFatSo’s last best effort to save herself (and this season) from complete suckage…
which is appropriately served in a kitchen sink, because that’s all it’s missing
Holy Christ but that’s a lot of stuff to put in one bite! Next is Sexist Pigshit and his Li’l Lobster Lovers’ Lunch…
since it appears to have come out of the Krayola Kids Korner™
The Cousins depart, and the Judges dig in. Gail says she loves the idea of LowFatSo’s dish, it was bright and used the local ingredients, but the sauce was very powerful. I’m shocked she didn’t shriek “GODDAMNITALLTOFUCKINGHELL!” and spray the entire table with bits of chewed-up grouper, because that’s how she usually reacts to strong sauces. Anyhow Daddy Tom says that the strength may have been what LowFatSo was going for, she wanted to leave a lasting impression with just one bite. MoriMuerto, on the other hand, says grouper is a simple fish, so he understands why she put such big spices on it, and he’d actually like a bigger piece of it.
As for SexPig’s assbite, well, Bernie says that while she loved the crispy lobster on the top, it didn’t really wow her with flavor… but the shit-brown olive sauce “drew her in”. God, go rub one out, Bernie! In any case, Gail says she tried the shit-sauce on it’s own and despised it (yay!) but when she tried it with the rest of the dish, it did work and it was something she had never seen before (boo!). Useless Photographer says she was “shocked” by the differences in the colors because she’s sooooo visual, you guys…
except where her own boring-ass look is concerned
So they take a vote, and it winds up with MoriMuerto, Scar and Useless voting for LowFatSo and Gail, Bernie and Daddy Tom picking SexPig. WolfGrinch is the tie-breaker… so naturally he says when he wakes up tomorrow he will remember LowFatSo’s flavor… but Pigshit’s tartare was technically perfect in preparation… so, no answer. Aaaaand we go to commercial…
looks like NerdMosexual is as excited for the new Top Chef Masters season as we are!
We’re back, there’s no reason to postpone it any longer, the chef that’s going home tonight (thanks to WolfGummi) is…
or should I say was our last, best hope
Even Scar looked upset by this turn of events, and poor LowFatSo, she says even though she’s been through this before, it feels even worse this time because she got even closer to the finish but still didn’t quite make it through to the end. So, now, unfortunately…
we’re stuck with a double dose of douchedicks
Seriously, I can’t even bring myself to care anymore who wins, because to my way of thinking it’s a lose-lose all around. We might as call it Top Chefhole now, because both of these jerks are infuckingsufferable and if you held a gun to my head and asked me to pick one that I’d like to see win? I’d say pull the fucking trigger. KIDDING! I would be totally begging for my life and pleading for you to put the gun away and tell you that BlazeHawk is 1/1,000,000,000,000th less of a shitdick than Sexist Pigshit is, so let’s root for him, ok? Just don’t shoot me.
Sooo, there we are. *sigh* FUCK. What did you guys think of this episode? I’m curious about some of the comments from the About Last Night… which chef are you guys thinking hates LowFatSo and wanted to see her lose? Did you feel like her fish-spoilage drama was totally unfair? What about the way SexPig was allowed to manipulate the challenge situation? Do you think he’s good enough now that he could have handled anything more complicated than a 3-piece meal plus a side of biscuits eggpanadas? Who are you rooting for to win now? Let’s share conspiracy theories!
Thanks again for your patience and time in reading, I love you guys as always, and comment love is like oxygen to my soul. Two more and we’re out!
love, J-Mo 
TV Social
-
80 Comments
Ample bosom hug time for you J-Mo! Thank you for recapping what is now the worst Top Chef Seasons evah!!! Jesu Christie, now it’s Modern Family, Cougar Town and lights out for me on Wednesday ’cause I cannot watch Whiny and the Pig on my screen. If I see either of those two jackasses on a Food and Wine magazine in my store it is a “clean up in aisle 16″ moment happening in Giant Food. Isabelcha should have been gone in the Italian cooking episode. As for Richard, he can chef it with the best of them, but I am soooo tired of his neurotic bitching – he really takes all the joy out of cooking. I guess he should win, but I feel no passion about it.
Before I start reading J-Mo, I just want to say thank you for sticking with this all season. I know it’s been difficult for many. I’m just so frickin’ disappointed in TC on the whole. But, I love you, your snark and your slightly skewed way of looking at reality. Onward I go…
Well, it’s pretty clear that Tom has a huge hard-on for Sexist Pigshit; there’s just no other explanation that makes sense for him to be in the finale.
I think is ridiculous that two of the chef’s had intricate foreign meals to make and the lazy guy gets fried chicken. They couldn’t bring on someone like Ripert or Hubert to request an equally complicated dish? Or at least Bernie could request something like mole that is super complicated? What.A.Cop.Out.
At this point I no longer care who wins, but I hope for the “integrity” of TC they’ll give it to Blaze. It’s clear he’s the better chef overall. But I have a sinking feeling in my gut that it’s going to you-know-who.
And WHERE THE HELL is Bourdain?!? Since I’m too lazy – would someone please figure out how many episodes he was actually on this season?
I’m still watching because I can’t help watching a train wreck. I don’t care who wins, really. I kind of lost interest after Angelo was gone.
I thought this show was promising. This season looked amazing but I could tell that Daddy Tom wanted either Richard or SP win in the beginning. He really was biased this season. Between what happened with LowFatSo, Beaumont, Bitter Jen, Beaker, and pretty much every female chef, I have lost a lot of respect for that guy and for the judges. Padma at least had reasonable arguments, as did Gail, but it seems their opinions never came into the final decision.
Personally, I couldn’t give a rat’s crap who won because both will be insufferable idiots, but I can kind of hoping for SPS for the only reason that I want to see Blazehawk lose because he thought he was entitled all season because he choked last year. SPS will be awful too but seeing Richard lose would be priceless.
How many people actually picked the final 2 to be SPS and Blazehawk?
J-MO, you did a great job. I know it is going to be horrific to recap these guys for probably a “super-sized” episode and I thank you for pushing through.
I would like to say J-Mo, that I thought your one suggestion for a great twist would be to throw back one contestant (Beeker/LowFatSo/Beaumont) in to the finale and have them compete with the other two, except that they would only get half of the prize money instead of the full $200,000 grand the other two idiots would win. It would be an amazing twist and to see their faces would be priceless. That would totally redeem this season. (I think they did it in season 4 or 5? I am not sure because I didn’t watch those seasons.)
Great job again J-Mo!
*I meant to say that Blazehawk choked the last time, not last year.
@LAC…you are spot on about Richard. He does take the joy out of cooking.
Nope. I don’t want Blazehawk to win. I want Sexist Pigshit to win so then I can just write off the entire all-stars season.
Top Chef All-Stars my arse. I think I’m going to make a t shirt that says this.
J-Mo, you do have have a type don’t you.
This was previously my favorite show on television. Now I am disillusioned and disgusted. Gimmicks, crappy equipment,fires, spoiled fish etc. So many rotten moments. Sexist Pigshit? Really?
J-Mo, the only bright spot for me is reading your recaps and laughing or crying with you. When the winner is announced, there will be a resounding “meh” from viewers.
All Stars my arse is right! Why can’t they just let them cook the best meal without all the nonsense. And I call a total foul on the fishy fish. So unfair that she was provided with a bad ingredient. Someone should have been trucking their ass over to the nearest Whole Paycheck Market to get her some fresh fish so she could make the dish she planned…I mean it’s ONLY the finals for chrissakes!!
Thank goodness for you and your recaps J-Mo. You’ve made what was supposed to be an awesome show bearable. No Angelo, no Beaker, no Dale. I could care less who wins. You’re both asshats – congrats!
J-Mo, wasn’t it Dale, acting as Stefanie’s sous chef that left out the pork belly all night that had to be tossed in Puerto Rico?
I was so excited about the envelope twist, because it was clear before that Antonia was going. According to TV guide, Wolfgang initially chose Antonia’s dish, but Tom pulled him aside OFF CAMERA and afterwards Wolfie changed his mind. Insert rage at Daddy Tom here.
I just tweeted Miss Andy:
“Where did the knife block go in Barbados? Antonia got screwed! You’ve lost me to Food Network.”
They’re taking tweets for WWHL after the TC finale tomorrow night.
Somebody’s got to come up with something good to ask those asshats! I don’t know who the guests are. Perhaps Daddy Tom and the wiener. I think they’ll announce the fan favorite too. Go Carla!
Your recaps are amazing <3 I know you probably can't wait to get the last one over with, but I'm going to relish it because I'm sad that we won't have you back for the next season
I just want to cry! There was so much good at the start of this season…I was so excited! And then, with the elimination of UBER-Bitter Jen, I knew it was going to be all downhill from there. And it was. Turtle was there for WAY too long, Beaumont was there for WAY too long, THEY GOT RID OF BEAKER…and PigShit made it to the finals…
…I need hug…*sob*
@oodle_noodle: I knew it!!! Tom is dead to me!
See, I thought they should have had a different third chef, but I would have switched out Morimoto. I love Japanese food when it’s properly prepared, and sashimi grade tuna is amazing…but the difference between stew with noodles (goulash & spaetzle) and an apple pie roll-up, fried chicken and biscuits, and an elaborate Japanese meal just put the person with the Japanese meal at such a huge disadvantage.
Rick Bayless would have been a great option, since he’s a master of authentic Mexican cuisine so there’s the challenge of not making the Americanized version, but still something an American chef without special training might be familiar with.
And I heard about Tom’s interfering with Puck. I normally respect Tom and what he has to say, but even if it was “just a conversation” and he wasn’t trying to influence Puck, he was still influencing the decision and should have just let the chefs make their own decisions. I’m really disappointed with him…but it’s par for the course with this crappy season. It should have ended when Sparkle Pony Sosa lost.
Still reading, ButterCup, but I think Blaize and SPS said they practiced some desserts. So, therefore, I’m glad Desserts wasn’t selected for this misogynist F-fest!!! I’ll be back!
Oh lawd, let me join the rest of you in a collective projectile vomit!!!! ARGH!!!! I even think the insistence of taking it to two was a way to eliminate the female, or a chance, and the challenges were so not balanced or fair, none of them, and to let SPS have so much control of everything, and for him to be his predictable douchbag self–ugh!!!! DT is coming off gross this time too, and Scar is oddly moving up in my book. I really don’t think I can get through this finale, but I may tune in to see the winner announced, as a moment of BlazeHawk defeat could be sweet. Otherwise, I think the makers really need to figure out why the winners for the last few seasons have been so awful, and make it stop!
TC and especially TOM are dead to me. I couldn’t believe SPS was even chosen to participate in the first place. I saw him in the lineup and thought WTF?
@oodle – you are correct about the PR finale. Really TV Guide said that?? Can you give us links? I’d love to read that shit.
@vallegirl – Bayless has too much integrity to participate in the shitfest. But I love he won TC Masters.
I’m beginning to wonder if Tom is a sexist pig also. *Sigh* he used to be so sexy, now I just want to punch him when I see him on screen.
@juddfan – I’d agree if it was ANYONE but SPS. However, that win WOULD completely destroy the last shred of credibility of this show.
I always liked Scar, but like her more now that she’s had little baby Scar– she seems less robotic– you tell with her interaction with the Muppets!
geez, two glasses of wine and the grammar goes.. I’ve always… you can tell….
@MasTequila, Here is the link. http://www.tvguide.com/News/Exclusive-Chef-Shocker-1031060.aspx
Now I am going to go read the wonderful J-Mo. He always makes it all better..
TC, Robin
Okay first I was pissed because IMHO it really did seem from the start that this allstars was put together for the purpose of having a certain chef win (blais), and he probably will even though he clearly doesn’t really deserve it HOWEVER then I realized that with all the misogynistic glory that seems to be top chef at times what they are really saying is that it’s the men’s place to be barefoot in the kitchen! hahaha TC, the jokes on YOU.
That and I am over allstars, too much emotion is involved when it’s clearly not about cooking and only about placating a certain chefs ego which I do think was partially because he lost to a girl. Because apparently TC can never be actually awarded to a girl, they will give Blais this win as a way of saying “I’m sorry.” I can relate it to the Wrestlemania of last year, when Vince McMann had Brett Hart beat him up in a really boring match because he whined and whined and whined and whined about the montreal screw job.
I will look forward to next season when new chefs are here and so much less emotion is involved and we can pretend to go back to it being all about the cooking.
Also, if Pigshit does win it all (which I am almost hoping he does—wait, scratch that, idk what I want cause Blais has to be better than pigshit doesn’t he? guh…..) remember that 80s hooker was eliminated after him, but really, how incredibly awesome was season 6s cast? DirtyBear would have torn this competition to shreds, or even BigVolt, sigh, two contestants infinitely better choice than sexist.
But as long as J-Mo (or I’ll admit, even another recapper, because tvgasm has an awesome crew)recaps season 9 I’ll be reading and hoping that the seasons keep on coming
Hey J-Mo
Let me express my appreciation in your dedicated recapping of this far-from-fabulous fiasco. The strategies of the Black Hammer and BlazeHawk against SexistPig made me want to smack them both. Something told me they’ve NEVER played chess or even Battleship. If they did they must have lost – every time. Goodness gravy train in this episode Sexist went Faustian on their butts and they let him do it.
And the producers of Top Chef aught to be ashamed. I’m sick and tired of subpar challenges, subpar appliances, and subpar product. Common sense would dictate that if you want someone to be Top Chef you give them the TOP SHELF to work with. But does this show provide that obvious requirement??? No. No. No. No. And I gave up going to the Bravo blogs to read inane excuses for the decisions. It’s just a travesty.
Cause of this I’m going with the lesser of two evils and hope that Richard wins. Yes, he’s a whiny, emasculated, fop haired, frog faced buffoon but he’s a buffoon who can cook. Even though he’ll probably pour liquid nitrogen all over it.
Oh man I hope Top Chef Masters is better than this….
Thanks Robin!
@Viane – Right you are and Tom is conveniently absent from the blogs. Gail has nothing of substance and the fans are saying basically what we are. YAY! Fuck you Magical Elves!
J-mo, I felt the creep city vibe from Mike and Michelle, there was something off and uncomfortable watching it. Also, I’m prit-ty sure you mean Morimoto’s PEA PUREE English (omg the horrors of SSS)
the show and tom are sexist, end of discussion. seasons ago I would have argued it wasn’t, but not anymore
J Mo, not even finished reading yet, but your Morimoto captions are cracking me up! Also, it looks like you’re not the only one thinking the bear is cute. Look at slutty Michelle staring at him.
I have so many problems with all of this. From the start, it is clearly edited or biased in Richard’s favor. There was not ONE second this season that I thought he would be eliminated. The girl one that season and they don’t like it so they threw this show together just to redeem him. There is no doubt in my mind that he will win so I really don’t care.
Also,I thought that envelope was so stupid. No one else thought that was silly? They sat there and said the decision was just ‘so hard to make’ so they were having a cook off—well, not really because they would’ve been having a cook off anyway even if their dish sucked. And why did it have to be all in a secret envelope? Couldn’t they come to them at some point in the challenge and say ‘the chefs that don’t win will be having a cook off at the end”.. and isn’t the whole GD show a cook off??!?!?! HOw is that some super twist. I can’t tell you how stupid that was to me.
Like I said, it’s clear the whole season is created for Richard. The only thing I’m surprised about is that they didn’t rig it for Angelo too–after all, he was deathly ill before his challenge and they all seem to love him (I don’t care for him)..
I’m getting over Top Chef… I’d rather watch Chopped.. it’s like a bunch of mini quickfires with real ingredients and the chefs can actually showcase their talent. Sorry Bravo. I already tweeted my feelings to Ms. Andy too..
*I meant the girl WON on Richard’s season. I knew she would because I didn’t think they’d go FOUR seasons without a female winning. It’s a completely sexist show.
In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m really disliking Daddy Tom. He’s been bitter and cranky the whole season, but especially once they got to the Bahamas, in particular regarding Antonia. How can you be cranky in the Bahamas? I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been pushing SexPig through. Padma used to be pretty useless, but I’m liking her the last few weeks just for how much she obviously dislikes SexPig. If he wins, you bet she’ll tell him with tears in her eyes. Where is Bourdain to bring sense to the world again? And my sweet beautiful Eric Ripert is the only one blogging on Bravo with any regularity and sense of fairness. Ugh, I hate how upset I get watching this show! J Mo, you’re a star.
Pigshit for the win! As disgusting as he is, I am really hoping to see Blais’ nervous breakdown. I’m Tivoing everything, and only watching if PS wins, and I’m only watching the reunion if Carla wins fan favorite. That’s the only thing to make watching that horrific show bearable.
J-mo, I’m amazed at your ability to make this shit entertaining. I used to love TC, and really thought that it was the reality show that had integrity. No more. And it is a bitter realization to make.
The truth is, Pigshit could never outcook Bitter Jen or Bunnyfoo foo or Dale or Oranjello or Beaker. Pigshit is an asshole who skated by in the middle till the middle thinned the hell out. He is just as bad as Turtle, and I cannot stand the thought that he now has bragging rights over superior chefs.
I remember after his season aired, his wife (I know, right!!) came to his rescue and said that he isn’t sexist and is in fact a womens libber. My ass! That man was born wearing a stained wife beater. And Blazehawk! Yes, he is a talented chef but lets face it – Turtle has more balls than he has and probably uses them more.
Oh, I am such a bitter, bitter viewer. I want to see Bourdains take on this shit.
I think I may have to “root for” SexPig, because I actually find him one one-millionth less annoying than Blazehawk, who makes me want to punch him every time he opens his entitled mouth.
Oh, and you are so right about Gail J-Mo. When did she become such a whiner? It’s like BURNT CHARRED EGGS every episode now.
YES, I totally agree with what you people are saying. I would love to have seen Rick Bayleafs instead of Morimoto.
They are taking questions for WWHL tonight. Get on Facebook. Get on Twitter. Send them questions. Convey your displeasure to Miss Andy. I’m not watching TC 9 (Curtis Stone is HOT so I’m watching TC Masters – call me shallow).
Let Bravo know faithful viewers think they f-ed up and we’re not happy.
VIVA FOOD NETWORK!
I’m with everyone else–totally over BlazeHawk’s whining and Sexist Pigshit’s, well, sexpigshittery. Where the fuck where Kevin and Big Volt this season? Maybe they got enough Top Chef in their own season.
And I’m so over the Survivor-esque crap. One or two twists is fine, but it’s more fun and interesting just to let the top chefs BE TOP CHEFS. Maaaaybe do jankier challenges early on to weed people out, but once you get to the final few, just let them do their thing.
I miss Stephanie. She was hardworking and gracious and genuinely talented. Even if BlazeHawk hadn’t choked in the finals, Stephanie would have kicked his ass anyway. Chicago is proud to claim her as our own!
I do think BlazeHawk should win this, just because he has actual skills and hasn’t skated by on his own mediocrity. But I hate the whining. I really liked him in Season 4–he was a little neurotic but had a nice personality, or so it seemed. You got beat by a woman, dude. Get the fuck over it.
The ONLY redeeming thing about this season is your recaps J-Mo, I can barely bare to watch anymore. Barely. Of course if Sexist Pigshit wins, I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do. I may go on a permanent TC strike!! Just the show, not the recaps. All-Stars blows.
@Unpro – I was disappointed that neither Dirty Bear nor Big Volt came back, but in retrospect, and knowing that Bryan never really performed his best under the sillier constraints, I’m now glad he didn’t come back because if HE got the boot before people like Blais because he couldn’t set up a fake kitchen at 2:00 in the morning while running around Target (yes, I am STILL BITTER ABOUT THE CITRUS ONE LEAVING) I think I would have quit on the show for good. Because there is no way no how you can convince me that Blais is half the chef Bryan is.
As it is, I just can’t wait for this season to end and am looking forward to the next Masters. Especially now that FugTaser and his nasty ass are gone.
2muchbravo, half the reason I watch anything is because someone is hot. Yes, I”m just that shallow (or desperate)
I really can’t stand either of them, but I feel it in my bones SPS is going to win, and yes, watching BlazeHawk epically fail again (to such a low standard) is going to be sweet. SPS is only going to be satisfying because of the endless out cry. Did they have no idea how hated he is . . . or beloved Carla is. I”m so glad we’re all in agreement this show is sexist!!!! It’s a man’s man’s man’s world.
J-mo, thanks again for hanging in there . . . XOXOXO!!!
Oh yeah, how in hell did I miss the hunky server . . . I did, but I have to admit to feeling dirty when watching this and wishing I could just put it down!
>>>>Did they have no idea how hated he is . . . or beloved Carla is. I”m so glad we’re all in agreement this show is sexist!!!! It’s a man’s man’s man’s world.<<<<
Oh, they know–both about PigShit and about Beaker. TC producers know EXACTLY what they're doing.
I can't tell anymore how much of PigShit's sexism is real, and how much is being encouraged by the interviews. Some of what he says is just so over the top or just tossed in for no real reason except chauvenism for shock effect, I don't think he beleives half of it. I think it's manufactured drama.
When this lousy season is over, the aftermath will be out of Colicchio or Bravo’s control. Carla will be adored, Antonia will be respected and no amount of time will make Pigshit popular with the fans. Blaze will do well because he is innovative and evidently popular in Atlanta, but he will never have the fan-love that Carla has. Some TC winners and cheftestants are able to build upon their new fame. But how many fans of the show will frequent a restaurant where Pigshit or Hoser is the chef?
@vallegirl – Fug’s gone? YAY! I bet they booted him because he threw TCM in favor of La Marquessa, even admitting he screwed Moony over. And yeah, I’m still bitter over the Citrus One too!
Once Bravo removed Fug’s blog bragging about screwing over Moonie, I figured he’d be gone, but yes, he, Gael and Bok Choy are gone, Curtis is in and I can’t remember who else is new, but it’s taken on a more traditional TC format.
Help! I’m a little lost over some of the names. Vallegirl, who’s FugTaser? Is Moonie the gray haired chef?
Bravo crossover alert! Michelle was on Real Housewives of Miami last night, showing off her organic cooking. (No chicken and biscuits in sight.) The funny thing is the ladies were unimpressed. “I drove six hours for a salad?” Ha!
Wow, I knew Bok Choy (aka KatieLeeBot redux) was out in favor of Curtis, but I didn’t realize they cleaned house! Don’t know why they got rid of Gael tho, maybe she’s ill or something.
They were inching toward traditional TC format with TCM season 2 anyway. I too figured Fugs was gone after I read his blog.
FugTaser is a British food writer named Jay Raynor, who deep-sixed one of the finalists Rick Moonen, aka Rev. Moonie/Moonie, not because he didn’t like Rick’s food but because he wanted to, in his mind, point out what a “hypocrite” Moonen is because of his sustainability platform with his restaurant. Moonen served lamb from NZ and Raynor acted like a right asshole about it, only to be completely wrong about both sustainability and carbon footprint and whatever other BS he spewed.
Then his blog got dropped from the Bravo site, Moonen’s stayed…and he Raynor hasn’t been heard from again!
I don’t know why Gael’s gone, either, but it may have been due to her age or illness. I liked her best of the regular judges, though, so that’s the only change that makes me sad.
@sarcasatire: FugTaser is Jay Rayner
Mooney is Rick Moonen – who should have won as Jay fucked him over, you can read the dirt here: http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/top-chef-masters-finale-black-and-white-and-blue-all-over/ along with links.
Many, including me, thought Susar was the best, but he choked just a bit in the final. I’ll probably watch TCM, but I think I’m done with TC
Agreed Vallegirl, I bet Gael is ill, she’s in her late 70′s.
The biggest BS factor in Fug’s rant was that they could ONLY shop at Whole Foods! He conveniently forgot that!
Hahaha, you guys are cracking me up! I love it that I’m not the only one disgusted and hopping mad over the way things have gone! Thanks so much for all your support, it makes me feel better to know that we’re in this shitstorm together. Someone should write a charity single to help us all out.
Just a couple of things: I don’t know where Bourdain is, I do find it interesting that there are almost no new blogs available about this last week’s show… Ripert and Gail weighed in, for whatever that was worth (not much), as well as Eli “Fad Kid” Kirshtein (but we don’t care what that prickly little basement-dwelling hedgehog thinks about much of anything, especially since he’s both a BlazeHawk AND Sexist Pigshit contemporary) but nothing from Bourdain or Daddy Tom. Rancid fishy.
I did not know about the TVGuide article about Daddy Tom ‘discussing’ things with Wolfgang Puck, and if that story is true, then it’s very disappointing. Hey, remember when Daddy Tom was being sued by former employees for stealing their tips? Anybody know whatever happened with that lawsuit? Maybe that’s still going on and that’s why he looks so pissed off all the time? Plus, we all know “new baby” = “no more sex for a year”, right?
As for Jay “FugTaser” Raymer… the reason why I ever called him that in the first place is because he had these two HUGE witchmoles on each side of his mouth (I swear they had hair growing out of them, too) PLUS, he totally wears this hippie-Jesus-y Jheri-curl mop, has bug-eyes and the usual British dental work, so I thought “Hey, those moles look like the metal contact nubs on a Taser… and he’s fucking ugly as sin… FugTaser!!!” I had forgotten all about the BS he pulled at the finale of last season, and that BravoTV.com had pulled his blog. I wonder if it really did get him fired from the show? Well, plus, he was always sexually harassing Kelly “Bok” Choi (see his comments to her in one of the past episodes, I think it’s the one with Michael Chiarello, where he compares panna cotta to a woman’s breast) so maybe they were tired of his crap. I dunno about Gramma Gael, I suspect she’s just really old, maybe they weren’t sure she had 12 weeks left in her, not sure, the only thing I do know is that there is a new judge named Ruth Reichl, whom I know nothing about.
Last thing, just to make sure I’m clear about my own intentions, I am not leaving TVGasm behind, I am just taking a break after this season wraps and letting someone else tackle Top Chef Masters this time around. In the summer of 2009 I had started recapping Season One of Top Chef Masters (my inroad into Top Chef) and that led straight into Season Six of Vegas, which wrapped at Christmastime 2009. I had two months off, and then Shear Genius 3 began, which led straight into Top Chef Masters Season Two, which led straight into Top Chef Season Seven (Sux) in D.C., which didn’t end until last October (I think) and I was VERY close to burnout, which is why it was so awesome that PottyMouth took Top Chef: Just Desserts (and did a fabulous job). I’m trying to be a little smarter about not taking on too much these days (my BF is a very patient man, but sometimes recapping gets in the way of BF-ey things and he no likey that, and I no blamey him) so I agreed to step back and let someone else have a crack at Top Chef Masters (this time it’s going to be Alejandra, and I’m VERY excited about that) and I will be back to recap Top Chef Season 9 (can’t suck any worse than 7 or 8). Plus, I need time to attend some drag queen pageants (I’ll be in Chicago in late April and Louisville in late July for two national competitions) and I will probably be tackling some random projects here and there (i.e. possible Moviegasms) so I’m not going to be invisible, just breathing, LOL.
Thanks for all the comments guys, you are all awesome, in less than 12 hours we’ll all know who the Top Chefhole is! Yay.
love, J-Mo
I will definitely be watching Top Chef Masters. I didn’t watch last season, but I loved the first, when Chicago’s own Rick Bayless won! (And was really humble and professional about it. Take THAT, douchey Top Chefs!) I too find Curtis Stone really hot. I always wanted him to take ME home during Take Home Chef!
@Vallegirl Both Volt brothers could COOK, no doubt about it. That season was friggin’ amazing. Remember the Bocuse d’Or challenge? Insanely difficult, and they all did great.
J-Mo, we will miss you, but I totally understand–hell, I had to take a break last year after Drag Race and The Hills, and those were only two shows! Hopefully Chicago will be its gorgeous spring self in late April–if you are in the Boystown area maybe I will see you and say hi!
Awwwwwwwww J-Mo! We’ll miss you!! Although I’m done with TC, I’ll still watch TCM, but I’ll be in the Caribbean by the time the next TC9 starts so it’s prolly moot anyway. I’ll read your recaps tho!
Dunno if the rest of you are watching Bravo’s TC marathon today, but lately I was thinking SPS was a bigger douche than Marcel, but nope! Turkeyhair still takes the win there!
@Unpro – Yeah, season 6 not only had great chefs in the final four, they knew how to schedule a season so the challenges became more technically challenging rather than luck of the draw/Survivor challenges. I think that, more than even the chefs, was what made season 6 so great. I didn’t like the mystery box in the finale, but all three finalist were such fantastic chefs, it didn’t matter because they were clearly the best chefs of the season.
And JMo, you’ll be missed on Masters, but I had the great pleasure of reading Alejandra’s Boardwalk Empire recaps, so the franchise is in good hands.
@Unpro and vallegirl: Isn’t it ironic that at the same point in the show that Season 6 had Bocuse D’or ( when there were 5 chefs left ), the All Stars had the ferry boat snack challenge followed by the heritage inspired dish? There is just no comparison.
@UnPro, maybe we will, depending on where we are, although I have no idea where this pageant is taking place… I’m assuming it’s somewhere near Boys Town, although I have no clear idea where even THAT is, I haven’t been to Chicago since 1994, so everything is going to look and feel brand new…
OH, and I meant to say to whoever was asking about DirtyBear Kevin and why he didn’t compete in All-Stars… I’m not sure, perhaps it was vallegirl who had the info, but I believe he was asked and turned them down, I’m not sure what the reason he gave was, perhaps he didn’t need the validation as desperately as BlazeHawk does… Who do we see doing Top Chef University more often? And who got that cute little Target commercial with Scar? DirtyCutieBear Kevin Gillespie, that’s who.
OH yeah, and @sheesh, you’re right, I do have a type, and they all begin with the letter B… big, burly, bearded, bad, babyfaced, blonde, brunette, black-haired, bigassed, etc…. juddfan is the same way (wanna see two bitches cutting each other? put he and I in competition for DirtyBear, LOL!)
love, J-Mo
…oh yeah, I can’t believe I forgot the most important “B”-guy that I love… BUBBA!
It’s why Kentucky is one of my favorite places on the planet… mmmmmmmmmmm LOLOLOLOLL
love, J-Mo
Yeah, I had heard that both Kevin and Bryn turned down the offer to appear on All-Stars. I think Bryan said something about not having the time but I don’t think Kevin gave a reason.
Interestingly…Ashley ALSO turned it down. So Mike wasn’t just a “replacement” for the two finalists, he was also a replacement for a GIRL who went home earlier than he did because the producers knew she was a better chef. HA!
@vallegirl – you always have the best dirt. I did hear Kevin turned it down and suspected the same of Bryon and other TC besties. WOW….Ashley over SPS? LOL, rich! Shitfest countdown: t-minus 1 hr 23 min.
Don’t want to comment just yet about the finale, but saw the promo for the reunion and I gotta say that Elia just scored points with me for her throwdown with Daddy Tom. Just wanted to put that out there
We out West are still over an hour out. YAY Elia!
Ugh I forgot about Ashley, just looked her up and puke-a-tronic…makes me wonder, who do I hate more, her or Mike?
I hate how on every blog, article, or whatever, Tom says “The veiwers are gonna be mad and hate us no matter what!” HEY TOM!- The viewers are mad about everything because every single thing about/involving this season is unfair and bias! From contestants being eliminated for food they didn’t cook, to contestants being kept around having not cooked at all, to equipment failure being shrugged off, to all the other things that made us pull our hair out, you are correct, Tom. These bullshit elements flooded each challenge and episode, so yeah. We’re mad, Tom. No matter what. You and your show suck ass.
You and Tom are both right.
@J-Mo: I am many of those B’s and in Kentucky! Winning!
@Libithina – what’s with the Ashley hate? She got shafted in season 6 and should’ve been on Allstars. I really liked her & her skills. When I saw she works for Alex Guarnaschelli at Butter I liked her even more. Her, Bryan & Kevin would’ve been great on this season, but maybe their guts told them not to accept for a reason. I’m sure they’re thanking their lucky stars they said no to this debacle.
I agree, zerocool. I liked when she came back for the finale and worked with Bryan. They seemed to have such a great vibe with each other and he seems to have nothing but the utmost respect for her skills, which says a lot to me. (I’ll ignore his friendship with SPS)
Eli should have gotten the boot instead of her, but that’s how the season went. But skills-wise, I thought she was a better chef than Eli and would have loved to see her on All-Stars.
Four words, hair nose glasses flannel. Hey, I never said I wasn’t completely shallow!
Thank you J-Mo for the recaps, you are one of the recap artists I read even if it’s for a show I don’t watch! I am an oddball in that I still enjoyed Top Chef-hated the finalists, but still liked watching the show. Although it’s hard when I’m discussing it with people in the “real world,” as I have to translate names in my head to figure out who they’re talking about. “Wait, Mike, who’d that? Oh yeah, SexistPigShit.”
Enjoy the recap break! Being a midwesterner, I think you’ll be able to see plenty of your B-types while in Chicago!
@Bioscotto… hahahaha, which B are you?
@Tmurda – nail. head. Well put. Tom’s seems to be absorbing some of the douchebaggery that surrounds him.
Big, Burly, Babyfaced and Blonde, I guess…but not Bubba! NEVER BUBBA!
Hasn’t Tom ALWAYS been sort of a dick, though? I’ve never seen him as “the nice guy”. And I don’t think he has any interest in being that guy. And it works, because sometimes he calls them on their B.S. excuses. Or, at least, his “who farted in here?” faces do…
You can not play the “nice guy” and still not be a dick. What makes him a dick is the absolute inability to admit mistakes (ie. the format clearly doesn’t work) and letting this show degenerate the way it has.
@Bioscotto… Wellnow, sugarpie, I got one word for ya: WOOF. You sound like you’re right up my alley, I have a totally soft (and hard) spot for babyfaced big boys. LOLOLOL, and there’s nothing wrong with a sweet bubba, I don’t mind the dentally-challenged, and that accent melts me into a pile of butter every time…
Sorry for the overshare ‘Gasmii, it’s just one of those days today!
love, J-Mo
P.S. KITTY PORN NEWS: If you wanna see Chunky and Chica in live action, they made it into the podcast that will be posted tomorrow!
Wow, who woulda thought WolfGunk Puck was so fuckable in his youth? What happened? And they say women don’t age well. Anyway, very disappointed that Sexist PigShit Isabloated got to the final. I could have sworn that most of the folks preferred Antonia’s tidbit to his. I guess we can thank Daddy Tom for the turnaround. I agree that she should have made a dessert as a stark, refreshing contrast to M’s heavy surf & turf. At least she didn’t make Morimoto’s meal his literal last supper by serving rancid fish to him. As annoying as Richard is, I just can’t abide Mike. It isn’t just his awful personality or his ugly mug (can’t believe he’s married), but he nauseates me when he sways back and forth during the judging. I actually feel seasick if I watch him teeter from one foot to the other. I have to close my eyes. And I’m very disappointed that Gramma Gael won’t be back for the Masters show. I love imitating her saying, “I give you three-and-a-haff sstarz.”
Gilty – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!
Shit is getting REAL in this discussion! lol! Much love, J-Mo
Well, one thing for sure, Pigshit swallows!
Oh J-Mo,
Your recaps are like a ray of sunshine in this festering sewage of a season. I haven’t even bothered to watch the finale yet which is so unlike me, but honestly, I haven’t been in the mood to watch A Tale of Two DickHeads. I really could give two shits about which asshole wins over the other at this point. UGH!
The fact that they gave so much control to Sexist Pigshit and he was able to completely screw over LoFatSo was absolutely ridiculous. As soon as she got Morimoto I knew she was in big trouble, and then her hamachi is rancid? What, did some PA sneak back into the kitchen that night and leave it out or something? I agree with you, smacks of a setup to me.
The thing that depresses me the most about this season is that it had such promise to be great. They brought back some really talented chefs and some even seemed to have grown up a little since we last saw them. But the way this season has played out has been more than a little disappointing. I agree with whoever said they should have ran it more like Top Chef Masters. I would have loved to seem them do a cumulative point system for this season: maybe keep everyone around for the first four or five rounds, and then start eliminating people based on their cumulative scores. Sigh.
Thanks so much for another fantastic season of recaps. You have an amazing talent for spinning even the most vile, depressing crap into recap gold. Enjoy your break; you certainly deserve it.
SWAK, PottyMouth