Top Chef: Déjà Zoo

Welcome back foodies and drama-lovers! My name is J-Mo, and I’m going to be your recapper for this eighth season of Top Chef (a.k.a. Top Chef: All Stars or, as I like to call it, The “We’d Really Really Really Really Like Everyone To Forget Top Chef D.C. Ever Happened” Season) and I’m extremely excited to be here talking shit about one of our favorite shows here at TVGasm. This particular Magical Elves creation has been previously recapped by the amazing LoLo (whom I love dearly and who gives us lotsa LOLz over at The Amazing Race) and also by none other than TVGasm’s version of Jesus… the sex god known as Flipit (whom I love just as dearly and who likes to do a lot of the same things I do, such as drawing dirty pictures in the dew on people’s windshields along Fairfax Avenue and watching The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills). Oh, and he likes dick, too —–> 8====b

But that’s not important right now, what is important is to be up front and tell you about my qualifications for writing stuff about a food competition show: I have none. Unless you count the fact that I’m fat, which pretty much just means that I eat a lot of food, most of it crap (like Cool Ranch Doritos and Hawaiian Punch) and “fine dining” for me generally means a restaurant that doesn’t have a “Li’l Shitkickers” section on the menu. A laminated menu if I’m feeling like going really fancy-schmancy. The only things I can really speak with any authority on are Janet Jackson, drag queens and inflatable pool toys. Beyond that, I’m making everything else up. I just wanted to make sure everybody had realistic expectations (i.e. none).

SO, in case you skipped last season entirely (and sometimes boy-howdy do I wish I had) you might be already aware that after the fabulous parade of badasses that was the Las Vegas Season, the Talent Pool™ appeared to have been nearly drained dry by the time D.C. started dipping into it for cheftestants. This led to an abysmal season populated by tired challenges, stolen mushed-up vegetables and oftentimes winners who didn’t really cook the best dish, they just sucked the least. Then it was capped off by crowning the worst Top Chef ever, Kevin “JerseyMoobs” Sbraga, and lo, the ‘Gasmii were sore afraid that their beloved cooking competition had Jumped The Shark. And the Magical Elves looked at the Declining Ratings and declared “Let us remedy and rectify this shitty season by bringing back some of the most talented runner-ups in the history of our show and giving them another chance at fame and glory (and guest appearances on Andy Cohen’s ‘Watch Me Get Drunk Live’).” And so they did just that, they brought back the Best Of The Second-Best…

and the asshat on the right

I love how Daddy Tom Colicchio’s face is all “WTF is this dickwad doing on an All Stars season?” I have to wonder, too, and not just about Mike “Sexist Pigshit” Isabella’s inclusion here, there are a few others who are head-scratchers as well (one of whom finished eighth place in his season, which is even worse than Sexist Pigshit’s dismal seventh-place finishing). Thankfully, however, they have left out some of the more vile creatures they could have saddled us with…

such as the Anti-Christ here

Talk about head-scratching! Or should I say head-itching? *shudder* Well, before we lose our appetites completely, let’s kick this shit off right with a bitchy observation from a gay guy…

apparently BaldHawk here has seen Sexist Pigshit’s peen

That’s Dale Levitsky, a.k.a. BaldHawk, except he’s ditched his fauxhawk (thankfully) so that nickname really isn’t appropriate anymore. I’m going to call him “Gayle” from now on. In any case, he’s one of a long line of this season’s Losers Brigade that says he lost the title of Top Chef by only thaaaat much. But at least he saw how bad that Baldhawk shit looked on TV and made the necessary changes. And he’s not the only one, several others have left behind their dumbass haircuts as well…

with far less success

How is it even possible to have a worse hairdo than the fauxhawk? Also, I thought Italians were extremely sensitive about appearing oily on TV. Oh well, we’ll see more of FahBeeOh later on, and that pissy expression pretty much never leaves his face. In the meantime, Padma “Scar” Lakshmi is telling us that they’ve moved the competition back to New York City for this season, and reminds us that our Judges will be Daddy Tom, Gail Simmons and reveals the newest addition to the team will be none other than “Tony” Bourdain…

who will hopefully show up a little more often than Eric Ripert did last season

I’m sorry, but Le Rippert’s dismal attendance in D.C. was such bullshit. How can you call someone a judge on Top Chef if they only show up a third of the time? Plus another thing that’s fun about Tony Diss-Dain is: he swears. A lot. More than me, even. Oh, and also fun? He speaks English you can actually understand (at least, when they’re not having to bleep him out).

Also new, the prize package is up to a half a million dollars total! I think I just heard the sound of the seven previous Top Chefs simultaneously gnashing their teeth and shitting their Jockeys. Ha ha. They still get a feature in Food & Whine magazine and a showcase at that Aspen Classic food thingy, but for reals, the winner gets to take home $200,000.00…

courtesy of a food product that no self-respecting chef would ever even use

Oh well, it beats that damned bodywash crap from last season, and it’s not like they can have multiple weeks of Buitoni Challenges. And can someone tell me why it’s pronounced “BYEW-tonee” when the spelling makes it look like it should be “BWEE-tonee”? Oh well, some mysteries are not meant to be solved. Let’s meet chefs from way back in Season One, shall we? Such as Tiffani Faison, who admits she was known for being “incredibly competitive and really aggressive”. At least she’s honest. Also, other things she is known for…

forehead

And she pissed off that cute chef named Miguel (the one they called Chunk La Funk) so much that he called her a snake and went “Sssssss!” at her…

or maybe he can see himself in her giant forehead

I actually liked Tiffani, especially since she had a meltdown on the first-ever Top Chef Reunion Special when she saw how much of bitch she was edited to be came across as, and ever since then she seems to have calmed down a bit. However, I’m still going to call her Bitchini. Because I am one, too. Anyhow, the Season One castmate joining her is Stephen Asprinio…

who has apparently suffered a tragic stroke

Whoops, my bad, good ole AssBurrito here just likes to talk with a lot of sideways mouth. He is best known for being called a tool and a douchebag during a 45-minute fight with Season One hottie Candace in which he told her she would fail horribly because she wanted to use cookie cutters while making food for children. The nerve of that girl! Although, I have to agree, making food especially for children is pretty much an exercise in failure, because they don’t care what shape it’s in, they only care how deeply they can grind it into the dove-white carpeting in the middle of your living room. I have experience with this. Anyhow, blah blah blah, AssBurrito and his duck-lips go on for a while about how his first “namesake restaurant” was named one of the Top Ten Best New Restaurants In The Universe and that he’s never nervous. He is also a compulsive liar as we will soon see.

Moving on to Season Two, we meet up with Elia Aboumrad, who says losing made her really, really angry…

or maybe she was forced to see Sexist Pigshit’s penis as well

That would make me insanely upset, too. In any case, I always kinda thought that the pressure of the competition is what really got to Miss Elia (anybody else remember when she started smearing chocolate on her face and saying how you’re never supposed to “leeck da weesk”? Or how about when she decided to shave her head and become the Latin Sinead O’Connor? Lady Loca here naturally says she’s going to win this time.

She immediately runs into the castmate from her season, who is one of the most notorious ever in the history of this show…

seriously, he’s the only one with a mugshot

Yes, it’s Marcel Vigneron, also known as Turkeyhair a.k.a. The Monkey. Lady Loca Elia says she hopes he’s matured…

if you’re 30 and you still have hair that looks like this on purpose, then it’s safe to say maturity has not yet found you

He starts off with his usual swagger by saying how much of a “threat” everyone saw him as during his season (cue the clips of Batshit Betty calling him a sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot and sexy daddybear Frank threatening to beat the shit out of him for touching his toothbrush) and implying that people’s negative reactions to him were strictly because he is so “young, talented, capable and creative” that it intimidated them. He doesn’t mention that he is a cocky little fuckstick who writes his own raps (I’m still waiting for an apology from him for that) and that he acted like a little dickface a lot of the time.

Strangely enough, he is actually impressed by the first of the Season Three cheftestants, Tre Wilcox, saying that he’s prolly his biggest competition. Lunch Tray here is the one I was referring to earlier when I said someone had an even worse showing than Sexist Pigshit’s seventh place finish…

this is the face of eighth place

He got booted during the Re-Do of the worst Restaurant Wars in Top Chef History because he was the head of the losing kitchen, which taught us all a huge lesson: never volunteer to lead anything. Anyhow, TurkeyHair is super-glad to have a fellow soul brother like Lunch Tray in the house and immediately starts talking Ebonics with him, asking if he’s ready to “throw down”. Tre just kinda laughs awkwardly, especially when TurkeyHair goes in for the high-five.

Gayle Levitsky (formerly known as BaldHawk) shows up next, wearing a huge shoulderbag manpurse and spraying salivated S’s everywhere. He is quickly followed by Season Three castmate Casey Thompson, a.k.a. Bunny Foo Foo (or The Chick Who Ruined Carla Beaker’s Chances At Winning Top Chef). These two lost out to Dung during a live TV broadcast and they were pissed about it…

“I swear, if I ever get the chance to make someone else feel like this…”

Gayle offers to sleep in the same room as Casey Foo Foo, which is nice of him, but I suspect she’d rather break off a piece of her Chocolate Fantasy and do it with Tre in as many illegal ways as possible.

Season Four (Chicaaaahgo) is in the house, starting off with Richard Blais, a.k.a. BlazeHawk, who we will see has become extremely bitter. BlazeHawk starts things off on a pretty douchey note as he egotistically claims most people remember Season Four for him not winning. He’s wrong. They mostly remember it for that skanky dirtbag Fleasa and how looking at her became a visual emetic. Anyhow, remember how I said a lot of the chefs had left their stupid fauxhawks behind?…

still holding on

Oh well, at least I don’t have to think up a new nickname for him. Next we have Spike “EvangelAss” Mendelsohn, who is still kind of a dickbag, but at least someone finally convinced him that the Rat Pack was never going to be popular again and he ditched his trademark straw fedora, at least for this episode…

he still can’t believe it

He is joined by Antonia Lofaso, who immediately looks chagrined that he’s there and says they have a “love/hate relationship”, which is really a passive-aggressive way of saying they have a “passive/aggressive relationship”…

“Dear God… please send down one of those killer icicles like in that silly movie The Lovely Bones…”

LowFatSo makes sure to immediately lay out some ground rules, namely that EvangelAss cannot ever get in the bathtub with her. Ummm, I think he’s pretty much okay with that, too. Anyhow, we’re not done yet, because there’s actually a fourth chef from Season Four coming along for the ride, none other than Dale Talde, a.k.a. Dung v2.0. Dale suffers from a lot of things, mainly Short Man Syndrome, anger issues, and acting like he grew up in Compton…

for realz, yo, when even Spike and Fleasa are making faces like this at you, you’re being a dick

Dung v2.0 was knocked out in sixth place in his season, so I have no idea what he’s doing here, but I do like him a little because he once told Michael Chiarello to go fuck himself, so, yay Dung. I still can’t understand why Season Four has so many people here when Season Six had all the really good chefs, but I suspect they weren’t available because, you know, they’re actually working.

It’s time for Season Five, and first up is our sole chefbian this time around, Jamie “Turtle” Lauren who has discovered the power of soap and water, makeup, and a personal stylist…

however, dentists still elude her world

Turtle has grown some pretty insane ego, too, as she claims that since she became a superstar on Top Chef people from all over the world have sought her out just to meet her. The seventh-place loser from Season Five. I know, that would be dream of mine, too, but little people like you and I can only hope to someday make such a pilgrimage to try and touch the hand of a tatted-up short chick with almost no neck.

Ah, but she’s not the worst that Season Five is going to throw at us, because Fabio Viviani is back as well, still wearing too-tight shirts and still mangling English as he looks for the “eskyhouse” button in the elevator. FahBeeOh looks tired and says even though the elevator eez going opp, eet feel lige hee eez goieeng to hell. He hasn’t shaved and looks like he might be coming off a pretty serious bender. The one person he says he doesn’t want to see is TurkeyHair because he “had a few eeshoe beck eenda dayz” with him. They cue the flashback from the lame-ass “Reunion Dinner” episode from last year in which FahBeeOh tried to get TurkeyHair to talk about what it feels like to get hit in the face with a beer bottle, and TurkeyHair refused, and then insulted FahBeeOh by saying he never watched his season of Top Chef…

oh no yoo deedent

FahBeeOh seems like he’s still pretty pissed off about it, too. I have a theory that says the Reunion Dinner was Possibly an audition for Andy Cohen to see if FahBeeOh could handle hosting duties for future projects, and his inability to get the drama out of TurkeyHair might have cost him future gigs. In any case, he thinks TurkeyHair is cocky and loud and really doesn’t want to see him at all…

aaaand karma

More like “producer planted” I’m sure. Anyhow, after barely fake-shaking hands with TurkeyHair the Fabster heads downstairs and immediately starts bitching that he’s not going to squash his balls sleeping on a bunk bed like he did during Season Five. Ugh, guess who else I’m hoping goes home early?
Ahhh, but now comes the moment we’ve all been hootie-hoo-ing for these many months, because here comes Carla “Beaker” Hall, and she is clearly one of the most well-liked amongst the others, as they all light up when she enters the kitchen. She says she’s going to cook from her heart (with love, I hope) and not be intimidated by anyone else’s food this time around…

see how much love she’s brimming over with?

No word on whether or not her spirit-guides Ronda and Juanita are along for the trip as well. Out of all of them, I would love to see Beaker win it all. And then I’d love to see Bunny Foo Foo cry, but I’m vindictive like that. Nobody bettah mess with my Beaker this time.

Time for Season Six, and one of our favorite ladychefs, Jen Carroll, a.k.a. Bitter Jen, an Eric Ripert protégé who started off like gangbusters in her season but choked going into the Finals…

aaaand still bitter

I like Jen well enough, but I didn’t like how she defended Sexist Pigshit’s sexist pigshittisms during the Season Six Reunion Special. Hopefully this time around she can stay strong and prevent yet another all-male finale. BlazeHawk thinks she’s a badass, and I suspect has a bit of a crush on her.

Well, we had to come to him eventually, so here’s Mike Isabella, a.k.a. Sexist Pigshit, and the one nice thing I can say about him is that he has also dropped the fauxhawk…

and picked up several pounds

He’s another one of the inexplicable inclusions here, having also been a seventh-placer (even finishing behind that crazy fucknuts wackjob Robin “80′s Hooker” Leventhal) and he’s also one of those who likes to ignore the challenges in favor of just making Greek food all the time. Plus he hates getting beat by girl chefs. He’s also my main wish for an Early Departure.

Finally, we’re back in the arms of Season Seven again, and here’s one of the few bright spots from that shitfest, our good buddy Angelo Sosa, a.k.a. OranJello or The Citrus One…

looks like Sexist Pigshit flashed him, too

After seeing Pigshit’s weight gain, that explains why his dick is shrinking. Anyhow, OranJello’s here for redemption, he was super-sick during the finale of Top Chef D.C., and feels like he was robbed, but he’s made sure to bring a lot of Advil and vitamin shots this time around. I only hope he can find someone who will want to jab him in the ass with that stuff should the need arise. I’d suggest asking Gayle.

Bringing up the rear is our other Season Seven Sistah, Tiffany Derry, a.k.a. ChesTiffany…

haayyy, girlfriend!

She looks hungry enough to eat her own name. KIDDING! She seems to be a little awestruck at all the talent around her, but is happy to be one of The Chosen Ones and starts to head-bob about having gotten from Beaumont, Texas all the way to New York City. Yes, girl, people do that all the time, there are flights daily. Tiff is nice enough, but sometimes when she gets a bug up her ass she turns bitchy real quick.

Now that they’re all together and had a chance to start drinking, FahBeeOh starts acting like Homeroom Monitor and yelling for everyone to put on their chef coats, which are a cool black this time around instead of the normal Noob White™ color. Then they all head out across the crowded metropolis that is NYC and into the new Top Chef Kitchens where Scar and Daddy Tom are there to welcome them back to the madness. Scar is dressed to the nines as usual…

in my Mee-Maw-Mo’s best chenille toilet-seat cover

She mentions the half-million in prizes and clues the chefs in on the $200,000.00 grand prize and now people are starting to get excited…

or Ronda and Juanita just materialized and tapped Beaker on the shoulder

Silly spirit-guides! They should know better than to sneak up on her like that. Anyhow, TurkeyHair is super-excited, too, because in his season when he got second-place they didn’t have prize-money for winning Elimination challenges, and he walked away with bupkes. OH, and his shitty reputation as an asshat. Let’s get to the first QuickFire Challenge of the season!

Daddy Tom says every time he sees any of them, they’re always blabbing on and on about how their season was the best and most challenging (something Season Seven chefs will have no right to ever lay claim to) and now they have a chance to prove it, because they are now teamed up with their Season castmates to create a dish that best represents the city their season was filmed in. Members of the winning Season get immunity. After a plug for GE Monochromatic appliances their measly 25 minutes to cook begins!

Oooh, this is so exciting to see people running all over the kitchen again! Although it doesn’t seem quite fair that some Seasons (such as Chicago) have four people to work on one dish, while Seasons San Francisco, L.A., Vegas and D.C. only have two, but maybe this will prove the old saying about “too many cooks spoil the shot at immunity”. And speaking of the massive Chicago team, BlazeHawk immediately shouts that he’s going to make mustard ice cream. Because that’s totally Chicago in a mouthful, right there. Oh, wait. They’re going to make a Chicago-style hot dog, so I guess that sorta makes sense. My bad. LowFatSo says it’s hard to have a clear direction with so many voices around, especially loud ones like BlazeHawk’s, EvangelAss’s and Dung v2.0′s.

Over at the D.C. Team, OranJello and ChesTiffany are going to make crab-cakes and rockfish, and the two of them appear to be getting along, although I bet Tiff is still suspicious of why The Citrus One is trying to help her. Team NYC is planning on making a trio of dishes featuring apples. Naturally FahBeeOh is going to depart from his Italian Stallion stereotype and make pasta. Mamma Mia! Turtle Jamie snots that she’s happy they’re all doing their own dishes because she feels she’s so much stronger of a chef than her teammates. Which is why she finished seventh place, because she was so much stronger than everyone else. Perhaps she has become a meth-addict since we saw her last, and she is no longer living in this reality? It would explain her wonky teeth…

and her suddenly disheveled appearance

KIDDING! She’s not on meth, it’s probably just an OxyContin addiction giving her all these delusions. Anyhow, Casey Bunny Foo Foo thinks their decision to make separate dishes is a bold one (i.e. wrong) because all the flavors of all the dishes better go together. Bunny should stop talking shit about Beaker’s team, or spirit-guides Ronda and Juanita are going to give her a cosmic yeast infection and she’ll be breaking out in biscuits. Ew.

Speaking of the Miami Team, they’re using mangoes, habaneros, pork and plantains because all of those flavors are totes Miami. Gayle Levitski says they always hear on the street that Miami Season was the best and now they’re going to prove it. I’m going to say it once again: Miami is the only season that did such a shitty job that they had to REPEAT RESTAURANT WARS…

so shut it, Gayle

Team L.A.’s decided to make fish tacos with an apple wrapper which TurkeyHair says are super-easy to make in 25 minutes. Hopefully they don’t involve any wisk-licking or Miss Elia may lose her shit again…

“Eez dat a weesk? I must leeck eeeeeeeet!”

She’s actually commenting on how chaotic and crazy the kitchen is with everyone running around like they’re going to die today, while she and TurkeyHair are calmly making simple fish tacos and guacamole. I’m betting Team L.A. doesn’t get immunity. Taking a slightly harder tack is Team San Francisco, who is attempting to bust out a tasty cioppino in 25 minutes. AssBurrito is busy pouring wine all over everything (natch!) but Bitchani says even if he is a bit rusty at the actual cooking stuff, the two of them are Original Gangstas. I would normally make fun of her for saying something as ludicrous as “Season One, bitches!” but I’m kinda scared of her so let’s just move on.

Sexist Pigshit, speaking for Team Vegas, tells us since Vegas doesn’t have a lot of indigenous culture (you know, except for all those Native Americans that lived there before the White People “discovered” it) they’re going to shoot for something more along the lines of the old mobster scene and make an Italian seafood dish using lobster. Bitter Jen is trying to pep talk herself back into badassness, and i hope it works, because I really do heart her and I’d hate to see her get screwed by being saddled with a dopey fuck like Sexist Pigshit.

BlazeHawk is bitching and complaining about how slowly the liquid nitrogen is flowing from the tank provided for them as he makes his snotty-looking mustard ice cream. I’m telling you guys, he is super-bitter. And he won a free car!…

speaking of which, I wonder how is the Blazemobile doing these days?

Ruh-roh! Trouble for Team D.C.! OranJello is walking through the kitchen and gets bumped by AssBurrito and then *boop!* there goes their fish filets falling on the floor…

time to invoke the five second rule!

Fuuuuuck! What a nightmare! And they only have 5 minutes left so The Citrus One is left trying to frantically make another small fish portion to go with their dish. I think D.C. is cursed. Or maybe it’s just OranJello. In any case, it’s time for the tasting, starting with Team San Francisco…

and I must say, those sourdough croutons look very gangsta to me

They are followed by those wacky weesk-leeckers, Team L.A. and their fish tacos…

a.k.a. skrimp on a bed of Martian babyshit

My, don’t those look appealing? Daddy Tom wants to know why they chose to use apples as the wrapper for the tacos. TurkeyHair says cuz it’s light and fresh and immediately demands to know if he likes it. Daddy Tom is all, “Heh. You’ll find out later.”…

“Don’t push me, Monkeyboy.”

Ooop, slammah! What’s even more incredible is to hear Sexist Pigshit (of all people) complaining about how even though TurkeyHair is 30, he still acts like he’s 22 and calling him a brat. I think he’s just jealous that he himself doesn’t have the balls to try and pull off Turkey’s douchey hairdo.

Anyhow, next up we have Team Miami’s Pork Paradiso…

which looks oinkily tasty even though Bunny Foo Foo had a hand in it

I’m not completely sure if Lunch Tray doesn’t like how their dish turned out or if he just naturally makes weird faces, but it’s hard to get a read on exactly what he’s thinking during this whole thing…

is he thinking:
a) “I hate Scar’s top.”
b) “Our food looks nasty.”
c) “Smells like Gayle just sharted himself.”

Or come up with your own. Let’s move on to Team Chicago and their (naturally) “deconstructed hot dog”…

maybe they should have called it “regurgitated hot dog”

That is one fugly plate, and Daddy wants to know whose idea the mustard ice cream was. BlazeHawk is quick to stand up and take credit for that, claiming that he feels like “you can’t do a dish that represents Chicago without representing the avant-garde.” He’s got a point, cuz if it’s one thing Mid-Westerners are known for, it’s being avant-garde. in other news: BlazeHawk is full of shit, he just wanted to use liquid nitrogen on something, anything. And FahBeeOh agrees with me, which makes me want to reconsider my whole opinion.

In any case, it’s time to see how Team New York City fared with their trifecta of apple delights…

wormy

Just before they leave, Scar says they made some “interesting flavors” which Beaker correctly identifies as the kiss of death. Too late now, cuz it’s Team Vegas’ turn to trot out their Mafia-loving dish…

and is it me, or is that some Chef BoyArDee-sized pusghetti?

Daddy Tom wants to confirm with Sexist Pigshit that he actually handmade this giant pasta, and Pigshit has no choice to be cop to it. After they leave he looks like he knows it was a bomb. And not the 90′s-expression kind, either.

Lastly, we have Team D.C.’s lint-encrusted offering…

and no actual crab cakes, just their “essence”?

I am never clear on why the “essence” of something is considered better than the actual thing itself, especially in food. It must be some zen part of cooking that I don’t understand. In any case, here’s how they did: Team L.A.’s shrimp needed more seasoning and their apple wraps were too thin (so I guess he didn’t like it, TurkeyHair, ain’tcha glad ya know now?). Team San Francisco had way too much raw garlic in their cioppino. Team NYC’s three dishes weren’t tied in to each other enough (Foo Foo was right!) and they only really liked the Turtle’s soup…

she should really shitcan the smug look while FahBeeOh’s hand is within Throttling Range

Oh well, let her feel validated and shit-talk the others while she can, she’ll get her karmic beat-down soon enough. Moving on to Team D.C., Daddy Tom says they had a tiny bit too much salt in their fish dish. He’s lucky he didn’t find any cigarette butts or pubic hair.

On the plus side, they liked Team Miami’s dish and felt it represented the city well. Also, Team Chicago’s ABCDog was “inventive” and Daddy Tom liked the mustard ice cream (blech!). Team Vegas also gets kudos for great flavors and a well-made children’s pasta. But the real winners this time wind up being the ABCDawgs, Team Chicago, Season Four!…

and Dung v2.0 can barely restrain himself from flashing fake gang-signals

He settles for a few “yo baby, yo baby, yo”s and “Dass how we doo it”s and now everybody else in the room officially hates Season Four. Especially Sexist Pigshit, who is doing the ultra-mature thing and swearing up a storm while pouting. Well, he’s about to have even more reason to pout, because now that immunity has been dispensed to Dung v2.0, BlazeHawk, EvangelAss and LowFatSo, it’s time to hear about their first Elimination Challenge.

A group of PA’s come striding in, each of them carrying a covered serving tray. FahBeeOh makes some lame joke about “You bought oss deenair!” No one laughs (as usual). When everyone has a tray in front of them Scar instructs them to lift the cover, where they all see…

evil vegetables?

Actually, it’s just vegetables in Sexist Pigshit’s case, because on the tray in front of each of them are the ingredients to the dish that got them kicked off the show. Niiiiiice twist, elves! I am impressed! Their challenge is to turn the dish that fucked them over into a successful one that doesn’t suck. They can improve upon it, but are not allowed to stray too far from the original composition, which in some cases is going to be really tough, especially if the original dish was a shitty idea to begin with. Leek scallops, anyone?…

no wonder Sexist Pigshit looks so nutpunched

Or maybe he made some kind of off-color remark and Bitter Jen really did punch his nuts. In any case, they have 3 hours today to cook and then 2 hours to finish on the following day in the kitchen at the Russian Tea Room. Well, at least we don’t have to watch any kind of lame Whole Paycheck Market sequence, they just get right to the cooking.

We immediately find out who is really shitting in their houndstooth panties, starting with Spike EvangelAss, because the dish that got him sent home was when he used frozen scallops that were in Rick Tramonto’s freezer, and they replay the whole ugly scene in which Holy Dick got pissed that EvangelAss would dare call him out on running an upper-end restaurant and keeping frozen seafood on the premises…

“Oh yeah? Well… umm… you wear stupid hats!”

Wow, this is gonna be a bitchkitty, cuz he has to use frozen scallops again in his new dish. His gameplan is to try to mask the flavor of the scallops in any way possible. Like maybe by drowning them in caramel. What? Doesn’t that sound good? Dung v2.0 certainly thought so when he presented Tony Bourdain with his brilliant “Butterscotch Miso Scallops” and wound up with the honor of having Tony call it “one of the worst dishes in Top Chef history” because DUH… butterscotch and scallops! Dung v2.0 says when the concept itself is flawed from the word go, there’s no saving it, so he’s planning on just making far less butterscotch this time around.

Meanwhile, FahBeeOh is displaying a disturbingly common attitude amongst many of these chefs: “I doan theenk thair waz nutheeng wrong weedat deesh!” He is referring to his handmade caserecci (a pasta, natch!) with crawfish and crab stew. He says to be eliminated twice for making the same dish would be stoo-peed.

Poor Stevie AssBurrito, he’s got a rough road ahead of him as well! He has to actually make three dishes because he got eliminated during the first Restaurant Wars for spending about 3 minutes in the kitchen on the appetizers and the other 357 minutes out in the front of the house going over important wine service details with the Rent-A-Staff…

“See, you pour the wine into the big round part…”

He admits he’s making a dish that he’s never really done before, but he’s just going to deal with the cards he’s been dealt and shut up about it. That is a relief, cuz his loud ass ties more than make up the volume of what’s coming out of his mouth. Lunch Tray thinks AssBurrito is a great Front-Of-House guy and a sharp dresser, but clocks him on not having really come out of the cooking trenches like the rest of them. He also makes some weird comment about AssBurrito looking like he stepped out of the “Macy’s Day Parade”. I’m confused what he means by that since AssBurrito doesn’t look bloated enough to be one of those giant balloons. Now Sexist Pigshit on the other hand…

Oh and also speaking of giant holes in the ground, Miss Elia is digging herself a deep one. She was eliminated for a red snapper steamed inside Hawaiian ti leaves, and still strongly feels she should not have gone home for it. Oh yes, she thinks she did a great job on the dish the first time around, so this time her brilliant plan is to be “true to the ingredients” and only modify them “as little bit as possible”…

so she’s cutting the ti leaves lengthwise instead of crosswise

No actuailly, she’s adding a bit of cured bacon stuffed inside her red snapper so the fish will take on that bacony goodness, which sounds like a far better idea than just remaking the dish that sucked in the first place.

Checking in with Turtle Jamie, she perpetrated a different kind of horror… she doesn’t have the luxury of blaming a bad idea or bad recipe, because she got sent home for making one of Eric Ripert’s dishes (black bass with braised celery) and making it badly. She still hangs on to her excuse that it sucked partially because she hated the dish itself (and she made sure to let Eric Ripert know that, too, which is ballsy but stupid) but I dunno, how much can you hate on fish and veggies before you have to admit that maybe you fucked it up yourself? To that end, she’s decided to try and make the celery into a hash. I think she should serve celery with EZ Cheese squirted down the middle of it, but that’s why I’m not on this show.

Here’s a news flash: BlazeHawk is really impressed with OranJello! Because he can make ramen noodles from scratch! And he didn’t need a solution of aluminum-zirconium-tetrachlorohydrex gly in order to achieve this magical feat! Meanwhile, Dung v2.0 is over dicking around with the liquid nitrogen canister, causing it to make an unholy high-pitched squealing sound that would have guaranteed him a stabbing if there were not TV cameras present. ChesTiffany is kinda getting annoyed that he’s basically playing around making random frozen shit and offering other chefs a taste of his cornbread muffins because he has immunity…

bittah sistah

Sometimes I think she should just pay attention to her own shit and not worry about what everybody else is doing, but on the other hand, it’s super fun to watch her get all annoyed.

It’s my turn to get annoyed, because we’re over with Sexist Pigshit, who is whining that remaking his dish is so much haaaaarder than everyone else’s because it was a vegetaaaarian dish. Yeah, this dickbag tried to make “leek scallops” because he somehow thought anything in the shape of a scallop would be universally praised and loved by the judges, but Natalie Portman put the kibosh on that theory and he got kicked to the curb in the most satisfying way possible. I would love it if the same thing were to happen today. He says there’s “only so much you can do” with carrots, potatoes and leeks…

how about this time around try not to make them look like a bunch of deflated severed penises, K?

I think that’s not too much to ask, is it? Besides, if he thinks he has it hard then I have just two words for him: frozen scallops. Anyhow, enough of him, let’s go where the love is, and check in with Beaker Carla. She’s once again confronted with the New York strip steak that Bunny Foo Foo convinced her to cook sous vide, even though she had zero experience with the technique. She stays classy and maintains that she doesn’t blame Foo Foo at all, but this time for sure we’re going to see her cooking her food. With love. And joy. And spirit-guides…

and maybe a little dash of fear

You know, I’m glad Beaker has forgiven Foo Foo, but I never will, not after the insults she heaped on Carla in the wake of the whole debacle. Ugh, in any case, Beaker is still everyone’s favorite, and I wonder what it is that keeps scaring her…

bare-assed gangsta bears in ties would scare me, too

almost as much as fat-assed pastry chefs who scream at the camera all the time

Am I the only one who can’t stand that guy? It’s like he doesn’t understand the concept of microphones and thinks he has to shout everything to a live audience. Anyhow, Day One is over, it’s back to The Loft (I have no nickname for it yet, is it the same place the NYC Season lived in when Hoser and that skank Possible Stalker Leah decided to rub each other off on camera?… cuz if so, I’m calling it Cocktease Central) and tonight’s vignette consists of Beaker and Miss Elia having a chat (while she’s eating Cheerios!) about her having shaved her head that time when the producers got them all drunk and suggested it…

“But noooo-thing com-paaaaares 2 uuuuuuuuuu…”

Ugh, she reminds me of that creepy chick from the first Star Trek movie way back before Captain Kirk was a fat ass. In any case, we also get to see a little bit of how things got out of hand when Clif tried to follow her example and held TurkeyHair down in order to use the clippers and make him look like a plucked chicken. Monkeyboy was not happy about that at all, and we get to see new angry footage of the incident…

I don’t know whether to laugh or be scared

I certainly wasn’t turned on, so I guess I’ll have to scaugh. Anyhow, Miss Elia says she wants to show the judges that she’s bringing the maturity this time around. No more shaving, at least not on her head (go to town everywhere else if it suits you, girlfriend). Besides, having no hair is always preferable to what TurkeyHair and BlazeHawk perpetrate on a daily basis.

Now it’s the following day, and they’ve shown up (hung over, likely) to the Russian Tea Room, which has a tiny kitchen, so Daddy Tom says they’ll be cooking in two shifts of 9 chefs each. Also, when they’re not cooking, they will be out in the dining room, eating the other half’s food with the Judges. “You can comment if you like…” he says with a smirk, “…or not.”…

“…but if I know you vengeful mouthy bitches, and you’ll comment out your asses.”

Remember when they tried this last season, and it just turned into a big hate-fest? I know, I’m looking forward to it as well! I’m going to have a scoop of ice cream for every chef that cries. Oh, and before he skitters out of there, Daddy Tom says the winner will get $10,000.00! Yay, let’s see who’s going to be the first to tell us how poor executive chefs are. Aaaaand it’s Gayle, who is apparently Executive Chef at a Coco’s, because he says 10 G’s is a large amount of his yearly salary. Poor thing, now I know why he lost his fauxhawk… he couldn’t afford it anymore.

So starts the final 2 hours to cook for Bitchani, Dung v2.0, OranJello, BlazeHawk, FahBeeOh, AssBurrito, ChesTiffany, Lunch Tray and Miss Elia, and it really whizzes by without much to say except for AssBurrito complaining about having to make threeeee whoooole diiiiiishes. Oh, and BlazeHawk says this time around he’s going to push it to the limit, so he’ll be plating right up until time is called. Mmm-hmm.

In the dining room, Scar introduces everyone to the best possible replacement for the little turdmuffin that was Tiny Tewwible Toby… Anthony Bourdain…

who looks equally ready to punch (or fuck) someone

Watch out, Scar! Gail Simmons is protected from Diss-Dain’s sexytime vibes by her stunning collection of fugblouses. TurkeyHair makes sure to mention that this is the first time he’s ever been able to dine with the judges in all these years. Everyone kinda giggles and kindly refrains from pointing out that it’s because nobody can stand his smug monkey ass for longer than the three minutes it takes him to explain his dishes.

Back in the kitchen, time is just about up, and Bitchani is having to step in to try and help AssBurrito get his triple-tizers plated. He knows the dish is not where he wants it to be, but he stops anyhow, because time is up. Well, it’s up for everybody but BlazeHawk, who clearly continues plating stuff even after time is called. I mean, it’s not just tossing a few grains of spice on the dish from across the room 0.000034 seconds after time is called, he’s actually standing there putting stuff on the plate and then comes back and puts some more foam shit on top of it right in front of the other chefs. Lunch Tray and Bitchani are super-pissed and make sure the others know about it as well. I can’t say as I blame them, the sheer arrogance of it alone would infuriate me and I’d be likely to bump one of my massive ass-cheeks into the table, thereby causing a small Blazalanche of foam and food on the floor…

well, if it looks like a bitter, angry, self-entitled jug-eared toilet-bowl brush…

Seriously, that was a dick move. There damned well better be a P.A. tattling to Daddy Tom right this minute.

The food comes out and Scar’s already recognizing some of the dishes being placed before her. I’d bet it’s with some trepidation, since this stuff was the crapfood they hated the first time around. Ahhh, and back in the kitchen, a big flat-screen TV suddenly appears and the chefs realize that they are going to be able to hear and see the other group as they critique their dishes. I’m not sure why this is a surprise, it’s not like they’ve hidden the cameras in a nearby chandelier, or tableside spider-plant, or Scar’s boobs. For some reason, the chefs around the table remain blissfully unaware that every catty and bitchy remark they make is not going to be kept under wraps for four months during post-production on the show… it’s going to be heard instantly.

Right away TurkeyHair and Scar notice a giant fish-scale that has made it into Miss Elia’s dish, and they’re both acting like it. Could. Have. Killed. Them. But Miss Elia doesn’t hear any of that, because she’s too freaked out by the cameras circling the table and capturing every little critique, so she ran away to the far end of the kitchen to sit by herself…

and wonder why no one is coming after her to tell how much everyone is loving her Fish Scales A La King

She claims that she doesn’t want to hear anyone talk badly about other people’s dishes… and then decides to be honest and come clean that she (more likely) doesn’t want to hear people say bad things about her dish. Well, if she can’t hear Scar and TurkeyHair theatrically coughing up chunks of scaly fish from way back there, then I’d say she’s far enough away. We, on the other hand, would all be sitting directly in front of the TV with our hands on our chins and giant smiles, right? Let’s start this motherfucker, beginning with BlazeHawk (and his 5 hour and 2 minute dish)…

hope it was worth everyone hating you in the first episode

Bunny Foo Foo liked the crunch on the outside of the pork, and Bitter Jen gushes that none of the other dishes she tried after it even came close! BlazeHawk’s back in the kitchen saying how gratifying it is to hear people say such awesome things about his amazing food…

totally gratified

Next up is OranJello’s own pork and noodles dish…

now made without the Extra Virus Flava

Sexist Pigshit says the pork was solid, the flavors were good, and Bitter Jen chimes in about how in balance and harmonious it was, she really liked it a lot. At this point Diss-Dain jumps in to wholeheartedly agree, calling it one of his favorites! Yay Citrus! Let’s see if Dung v2.0 gets as good of a grade on his butterscotch scaylopes…

this is scallop abuse

Diss-Dain says there’s a (naturally classy) Marine Corps expression that goes “Get yourself un-fucked”. Ummm, does that mean to destroy your chances of getting laid? Cuz I think that’s stupid. OH, I guess they mean “fix what’s wrong with this terrible food”, and Dis-Dain says he did just that. Everybody laughs, and Dung v2.0 is cackling in the back like the cocky little fucker we all knew he was. He’ll be grabbing his junk and yo-yo-yo-ing all night long now.
Next up we get to watch them try ChesTiffany’s halibut dish…

served with a trio of peeled testicles

Scar wants to know what Beaker thinks of the dish. I think Beaker’s wise to the fact that these comments may actually be heard by the people they’re about, because she very diplomatically says hers seemed a little overcooked. LowFatSo says the broth is one of her favorite things on the table, she just wishes it had a smidge of sugar sweetness. Poor ChesTiffany’s back in the kitchen making a poor attempt to hide her hurt feelings.

What about Lunch Tray’s dish?…

well, it’s very… two-dimensional?

Food that geometric often hurts going in. This is why I stopped buying those Sociables crackers for parties, they’re dangerous if you have a guest who’s a bleeder. Anyhow, Bitter Jen says she wasn’t a huge fan of the dish because the almond macadamia nut cookie overpowered the salmon completely. Lunch Tray takes this stoically, but I’m betting he’s seething on the inside. However, if he’s gonna snap and take out a chef from Las Vegas, I hope Sexist Pigshit is closer at hand when the time comes.

Next we have Bitchani’s food, which was actually in the Season One finals…

and none of which I can identify in the slightest

EvangelAss says he really likes the Mediterranean flavor of the dish, but Sexist Pigshit thinks the marinade tasted more like kim chee (WTF???!?!) and he wasn’t expecting that flavor and Bitchani is nothing but a girl trying to do a man’s job, so he didn’t like it. HATE.

Next up is AssBurrito’s trio of ‘tizers…

my typical Panda Express order

Gayle bitches that it tastes very “swampy and muddled” and all over the place. Turtle Jamie says “the way it looks… just, everything about it” is not for her…

which is her same attitude towards clean hair

I’m so glad Miss Neckless wore such a dressy t-shirt to dine with the Judges, aren’t you? In any case, the most damning criticism comes from Diss-Dain, who says there are people back in the kitchen, and people sitting right there at the table who could have solved the problem. AssBurrito did not. Surprisingly he admits that it hurts a little bit to hear people saying such nasty things about his food. I guess it would just seem outright mean for me to start in on making more fun of his Silky Seventies Tie Collection, right? I’ll hush for now.

Now-a dey get to try-a da pazta made-a by-a FahBeeOh-A…

served on a burnt sheet of Brawny

LowFatSo says she likes the basil he used in the dish, but she doesn’t get it when it’s been fried and thrown on top of a dish, she’s not sure if she should really eat it like that or toss it aside. She’s also puzzled by the brownish Bounty Select-A-Size™ it’s been served on. Daddy Tom jokes that it’s there in case you want to roll it up and smoke the dish. Everybody laughs, except Scar, who looks guilty. Let’s see how FahBeeOh is taking all this levity at the expense of his authentico pazta deesh…

“I keel eech and ayvrey wan ov yoo, ride aftair I fine out who juzz fardet een heer.”

Oh, but they’re not done trash-talking just yet, because Diss-Dain is letting loose, saying he hated the whole dish, “I kept tasting it, I keep poking it, just to make sure that I actually hate it as much as I think I do, and I really really really hate it! It looks like an inside-out animal!” Wow, FahBeeOh eez no amooze. He theenk Dees-Dain’s comments are estoopeed and vows to meka sure he lets heem know juzt how hee feelz about dat afterwarz. Then he runs off to go join Miss Elia in the Wussy Corner.

While he’s complaining to Miss Elia about what a meanie-bo-beanie Diss-Dain is being, they’re actually discussing her dish.

which looks like a sad present that you unwrap at Christmas and instantly hate

Turtle says her piece of fish was kinda raw and she didn’t get the dish. Gayle says it feels like food that someone gave up on, and that it’s watered down and has no personallity and blah blah blah gay gay blah gay blah gay gay gaygaygay blahgay…

it takes talent to simultaneously cause people to make blowjobfaces and fall asleep

LowFatSo is shocked at how harsh everybody is being. I guess she must have forgotten all the time she spent in the company of Fleasa, or she’d realize that these people are being babydolls in comparison. With that, Scar sends the other group back into the kitchen to start their final two hours of cooking. Someone better wake up Daddy Tom when they’re done.

We don’t get much of anything different out of the second group in the kitchen, except EvangelAss’ scallops are still frozen, Turtle still hates the Eric Ripert dish she has to cook, and Sexist Pigshit is still a sexist pigshit. As the first group sits down with the Judges, Miss Elia says it’s weird because there are a lot of hurt feelings at the table, and they also know that the second group is going to hear everything they say about their food, so it’s just a bad situation all around. Someone should remind her it’s also a competition. People are going to suck, and then go home. She can drown her sorrows in booze when she gets back to the loft.

Gail can’t resist some shit-stirring and asks them all what they thought of hearing everybody’s opinions on their food. FahBeeOh immediately jumps on Diss-Dain for saying he hated his dish eleven times. Wow, he actually counted? That’s far more anal than most straight guys would admit to being. To be fair, Tony does wince and look slightly embarrassed…

but he does not apologize, either, so ha ha

As the second group finishes their plating and the food is brought out to the dining room, they notice the flat-screen in the kitchen and realize that everything they said was heard by the first group. LowFatSo thinks that now the other group is just going to rip them all to shreds. Let’s help them, shall we? Starting with LowFatSo’s dish…

in all of it’s Thanksgiving-y cornucopeia-ness

BlazeHawk thinks it was fresh and tasty, and Lunch Tray says he could have eaten the whole plate of it by himself. Back in the kitchen, EvangelAss gives LowFatSo a “go on, girl!”. Ahhh, but then ChesTiffany pipes up to wonder if they all had the same dish, because she felt it was incomplete and not one of her favorites. Poor LowFatSo, someone hates you after all.
Next they talk about EvangelAss’s Frozen Scallops de la Holy Dick…

formerly known as the Trinity Of Terrible™

Diss-Dain says it was a good tasting dish, but that he could have lived without the scallops. BWAHAHAHAHA, he didn’t realize until just now that this was the famous frozen debacle dish. Bitchani says EvangelAss just “robbed a bank” with this dish because it’s really smart and perfect, and I wonder if her thighs are wet right now. Then Diss-Dain goes and calls him “the craftiest motherfucker who’s ever been on the show”! Thanks, Tony, you realize they can hear you back in the kitchen…

and now look what happened

Jesus, that guy already had a big enough head walking in the door. Never mind the fact that he had immunity, so it doesn’t really matter, he could have served those things icy-rock-hard and cracked everyone’s teeth and it wouldn’t have mattered.

Let’s see how Jamie Turtle did with her I-Hate-Eric-Ripert food…

and here I thought lesbians loved all things fishy

Daddy Tom does something I never thought I’d ever hear him do, which is pull a Paula Abdul and say that Turtle made this dish her own! BlazeHawk liked it, too, for whatever that’s worth. Turtle’s happy and relieved to get praise, but you can also tell she doesn’t feel bad at all about the shitty things she said about everyone else’s food.

Now here we have Sexist Pigshit’s lame ass “leek scallops”…

served in an appetizing vegetarian toilet-bowl

Lunch Tray says he thought it was a good revamp and the colors were nice (zzzzz) while ChesTiffany says the leeks almost melted in her mouth (ZZZZZZ), and BlazeHawk commends him for having so much finesse and elegance and prettyness and whatever. Great. A solid meh.

Let’s see what they think of Gayle’s lobsteroni…

sure looks like it could use a plug from Oprah

Dung v2.0 says he couldn’t get past the pasty dumpling, and looks like he’s still trying to fish pieces of it from his teeth. AssBurrito quietly says that while he liked the flavors, he didn’t like the dumplings at all, either. He does, however, refrain from calling them swampy and muddled and all over the place. At least out loud.

Next up is Beaker’s steak…

which looks a skillion times better with no FooFooFerence

Bitchani says the flavors were nice, and exactly what you expect from a steak-and-potatoes kind of dish. OranJello, however, says his first bite was a bunch of nerve-endings, which is apparently quite unpleasant-tasting. Awww, poor Beaker says it’s like a dagger in the heart to hear that! I never knew steak even had nerve endings! I really love steak, so I guess I must have just eaten them. Maybe OranJello should have done what I do and smother it in Ranch Dressing.

Its time for Bunny Foo Food, and Gail is quick to say that she definitely elevated her dish…

if by “elevated” she means “threw up” then I’d be willing to agree with her

I’m kidding, that’s a pretty plate, I just hate the Foofster getting praise. Let’s quickly move on to TurkeyHair’s bowl of WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?….

gee, it’s sure hard to see why Eyeball Soup With Weeds would have gotten him sent packing

Lunch Tray says the dish threw him off with the huge amount of vanilla flavoring, it was like sucking directly on a vanilla bean. FahBeeOh says TurkeyHair really has “bolls too poot somezing lige deez owt.” Which isn’t necessarily a compliment depending on how you take it. Guess which way I’m leaning?

Last up tonight is Bitter Jen’s quackers…

which looks infinitely better than TurkeyHair’s dish by virtue of the fact that it’s not staring at meeeee

Unfortunately for Bitter Jen, she’s starting off poorly, as Diss-Dain says the only thing wrong with her duck dish is the duck itself, because it just wasn’t there. Bitchani says she’s also disappointed because she was expecting to be schooled by Jen, but felt there were a couple of surprising technical errors in the execution. Damn, Jen, you can’t be choking already! Go kick Sexist Pigshit in the balls a few times and get your ass-kicking mojo back!

Back in the Stew Room, they’re all talking amongst themselves when OranJello asks what went down with BlazeHawk earlier. Bitter Jen and ChesTiffany fill him in on how the Blazester is above such petty things as time-limits and just kept on plating away to his spiky-ass heart’s content. Then Scar arrives and asks to see EvangelAss, BlazeHawk, Turtle and OranJello. Everybody claps a little because they assume that these are the winning chefs.

And they’re right, but only sorta, because the first thing out of Daddy Tom’s mouth is to tell BlazeHawk they brought him in to acknowledge that he made a great dish… and that he’s disqualified from winning because he ran over the allotted 2 hour time limit. Blazey’s all “I’m… not aware of that…”

hard to believe he couldn’t hear the timer beeping with ears like that

Daddy Tom’s like, yeah, don’t even try it, I’ve seen the tape, you were clearly plating and foaming after the time ran out, so, bye. BlazeHawk stomps off back to the Stew Room where he immediately starts bitching to everyone else about how pissed off he is over this and wah wah waaaaaah. Bitchani, Lunch Tray and ChesTiffany just keep quiet and smile inwardly. This leaves Turtle, EvangelAss and OranJello in the running for this season’s first win, and the $10,000.00 goes to…

Mr. CitruSosa!

That ppbbblllflfllbllblltltt sound you’re hearing? Is Turtle and EvangelAss’s egos losing some inflation, which is a welcome way to start off this season. OranJello’s not doing the ha-ha-ha-I’m-rubbing-it-in crap they showed last season, either, he instead says he’s actually honored to have won against some of the best chefs in the country. Well, if my Beaker couldn’t win, this is just as good, if not better.

He heads back to the Stew Room and lets the others know of his win, which prompts Dung v2.0 to interview that it’s a bullshit win because BlazeHawk obviously had the best dish, and the judges made the wrong decision….

shut up, you short-dicked sixth-place ass-kissing gangsta-wannabee

In any case, OranJello tells FahBeeOh, AssBurrito and Miss Elia they’re in the Loser’s Circle (while everyone else breathes a giant sigh of relief that they’re not going to be the first to go home). Back at the Judges’ Table, they cornhole AssBurrito for the uneven proportioning on all three of his appetizers.

Then Miss Elia pretty much says the only thing she added to her dish this time around was fennel (!!!) and Gail points out that she kinda seemed to have lost the whole “actually cooking the fish” part of things, because her piece was raw in the middle. And on top. And the sides. Daddy Tom really has to push to get her to admit she didn’t really test the fish after she steamed it to see if it had cooked properly. Diss-Dain says she never got past the obstacle that was in her way.

As for FahBeeOh, he’s holding on to the fact that he was happy with the original dish he made bout two years ago way down in New Orleans. Except they’re not talking about that dish now, and Gail says everything on this dish was overdone. Diss-Dain says the presentation was horrifying looking, being brown and wet. Then FahBeeOh goes off: “Sair, I’m tailleeng yoo somezing. I agree too bee creedeesaize een a constracteev waiy! I doan lige too bee mayde fon ovv, an dat’s whutchoo deed-a throo dee meel. Some commend dad yoo deed abow mai food, eef we wair een dees seetooaychun, wee wood hav beeg problaym!”…

“Did you just threaten me, pastabreath?”

What do you think, ‘Gasmii? Which one would kick the other’s ass in a street fight? My money’s on Diss-Dain, I think he’d beat the accent out of FahBeeOh. In any case, Scar dismisses them for Final Deliberations… but before they leave Miss Elia chucks her pride and actually begs “Don’t eliminate me, I have a lot more to do… I mean it!” Does this last-ditch effort work?…

you tell me

Back in the Stew Room, FahBeeOh just can’t shut up about how he doesn’t like to be made fun of, even if he’s the worst chef there. What a humorless asshole he’s become, because I seem to remember him making jokes at other chef’s expenses during his Season… I mean, they were lame ones to be sure, but I suspect this is a classic case of Being Able To Dish It Out But Not Take It In Return. And do the other chefs give a steaming country dump about his bruised ego?…

you tell me

And the winner of this All-Star Season’s KennethSuyaiClayNimmaLaurenJenJohn Syndrome Award™ is… Miss Elia, who is very upset and says being sent home first is almost worse than not coming at all…

as she gives a subtle all-finger fuck you to the judges

Well, there’s our first episode in the can! What did you guys think? Was Miss Elia’s the worst dish around, or was FahBeeOh’s wet brown paper thingy more unpalatable? Do you think BlazeHawk should have won instead of OranJello? And will Ronda and Juanita continue to scare the crap out of Beaker?

let’s hope so

As always, I appreciate your patience and time invested with me, it feels good to be back in the food saddle again, and I hope we’ll have some fun exciting shows this season.

Before I go, I want to leave you with two things: number one, a new picture of my kitties, Chunky and Chica…

6 months old and still inseparable

And lastly, here’s the most recent drag queen production I was involved in from Halloween, where my friend Devina Ross performed his own version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. It’s kinda hard to see me at the beginning because I’m in the back on the right, and because I’m a fat gay werewolf, but I get out in front more towards the end. And no, my real chest is not quite that hairy. Or grey.

 

love, J-Mo