Top Chef Finale: Last Chance Bitchin’

Well ‘Gasmii, we made it! This is the fourth time I’ve recapped a Top Chef Finale, and it still amazes me every single time how quickly four months can just fly by, what with having lived through the Prequalifying Rounds, the Bubble Competition, snakemeat and quinceañera cakes, chilies and chili, camp grub and pretentious progressive dinner parties, sauces and steak-murder, tequila and teams, Twitter twats and Patti LaBelle eating Bigfoot meat, miracle berries and life-threatening BBQ, Canned Peen and Half-Busted, ingredience-go-round and fuggo Charlize Theron, mini-mise-en-place relay and a Healthy Block Party, pancakes and Pee Wee, blindfolds and Blowing It In Front Of Your Boss, gondolas and ice blocks and skis and guns, Asian food and Icy Hot, Tyler StoneBalls’ hackery, Hughnibrow, all-nighters, Ty-Böre’s naked ass, Two Days Of Shrimp, Bore-verly vs. Hag Heather, Not-Dead Grandparents, Chris Scary’s porn, Restaurant Whores, blood everywhere, killer bees, Penis-Hair recreating the entire Moto menu, heat exhaustion, fake crying, Wealthy Choice, mean girls, Ninjamouth, Divot-Diva’s dry-ass ‘do, Redemption Kitchen™, Bore-verly’s return, random Olympians, San Antonio, Dallas, Austin, Vancouver…

and sixteen weeks of nonstop commercials that made us all want to cry

And here we are, down to the last two chefs: TexAsian Paul, who comes in with 2 QuickFire wins and 8 Elimination wins… and Sarah GroanyBooger, who arrives with 2 QuickFire wins and 3 Elimination Wins. And what has all the screaming and crying and sleepless nights and Bore-hate been for? Well, they get an article written about them by Gail Simmons in Food & Whine Magazine…

can’t tell you how many subscriptions to this I cancelled for cardmembers when I worked at AmEx

They also get to do a Showcase Showdown at the Food & Whine Classic in Aspen, Colorado…

woo hoo, party with the 1%, they’ll be the only ones able to afford the gas to get up the mountain

We all know those are the shitty prizes that nobody cares about, the real thing that everyone has been clawing and bitching and bullying this season for is…

an eighth of a million dollars worth of fresh steamed pumpkin, squash and ravioli

Oh yeah, and once and for all, the TITLE… of…

this is much more fun than using the cash for culinary dreams

It is a dark and stormy night, with snow flurries skirling fretfully around the train depot where the last episode’s Judges’ Table just finished. TexAsian and GroanyBooger have been brought back to stand before Scar and Daddy Tom. Scar says they should be proud of themselves, and that they have one… challenge… LEFT…

keeraaaashBOOM!

Daddy Tom tells them their challenge is to make a four-course tasting menu for the restaurant of their dreams…

and please don’t bore me with chicken-salad or random arugula

Scar says they will be taking over two of Vancouver’s best restaurants (Black & Blue and Coast) and they get to have “outstanding sous-chefs”, which we all know is shorthand for “bitter losers with a knife to grind”. But they’re not going to have to deal with that tonight, because they’re finally being turned loose to get some rest.

GroanyBooger says this is what she’s been aiming for all season long (well, once Bore-verly was finally out of her cross-hairs) and says she even pushed back the date of her wedding to Private Pyle so that she could be on this show…

smile! reality tv is way more important than your marriage anyhow!

So so selfless, this one. The level of her sacrifice to bring us sixteen weeks of unrestrained bitchiness on TV is truly inspiring. Also, I admire anyone who can think of new and interesting delay tactics to postpone the slow strangling of their love for another person their nuptials.

It’s the next day, and GroanyBooger and TexAsian are lounging around…

here in lucky room 1113

BoogerWoman is wondering if they’re going to bring back all 27 of the original First Day Competitors. TexAsian thinks it’ll just be the rest of the Top 16. They both talk about how great it would be to cook with Hag Heather, Jobless Grayson, Divot Diva Nyesha or Chris Scary. Little do they know that down in the hotel kitchen, at right this very minute, those very same people are gathering together with Scar… along with some unexpected (and far more terrible) choices…

such as Masterbutcher here

Oh yes, there are all kinds of surprise guests today, and here’s the roll call: BlackBear Keith, Chris Scary, Hag Heather, Jobless Grayson, Divot Diva Nyesha, Ty-Böre… and then there are the Top Loozahs…

made up of Miss Ignorant Of Pressure-Cookers, Tyler StoneBalls, and Vegan CombForward

I’m betting Janinebian and BaldBear Andrew were sitting at home watching and feeling insulted that they brought these three yahoos back… did the producers conveniently forget that CombForward hasn’t cooked meat in ten fucking years? I mean, sure, I bet he’s veggie hell on badass wheels when it comes to making a wicked salad, but come ON! And we all know that StoneBalls is only here because he’s going to be a huge douche and brag some more about having compiled a cookbook in 3 weeks or less. Anyhow, just to drive the point home that these three suck, we get a helpful flashback of their epic failures in the kitchen. Which means PEE BREAK.

I suppose to offset their terribleness, the Magical Elves opted to also bring in “two of the best chefs in the country“… first up, Barbara Lynch of No. 9 Park in Boston, Mass…

who looks eerily like Jesse Eisenberg

The other “best chef” comes from Hearth in NYC, and it’s none other than Marco Canora…

who looks eerily like the guy who lost Next Iron Chef

This truly motley squad is here to compete for the chance to be a subservient bitch sous-chef for either TexAsian or GroanyBooger in the Fina–

dammit, Ty-Böre, stop making kissybeejayfaces at Scary and pay attention!

Anyhow, they have 45 minutes to create their awesome dish that will buy them Minute 16 of SemiFame™. Back up in the Redrum Lounge, GroanyBooger says she hopes they also bring back Mousy and *gasp* even Bore-verly, because they’re “monsters” in the kitchen. Strangely, Mousy, Bore, Ninja Eddie and Penis-Hair are not included today. But Tyler StoneBalls sure is, and he says (in a voice that sounds like his mouth is chock full of marbles) that “the first round nobody got the full picture of Tyler Stone”…

so untrue, this is all we need to realize he’s a dickweed

That, and the fact that he’s referring to himself in the third person. Anyhow, StoneBalls insists that he’s not intimidated by any of these people he’s going up against. Clearly he’s never seen Hag in action. Meanwhile, Jobless Grayson and Chris Scary are playing fake-flirties back and forth and telling each other how pretty they are, which is making everyone else nearly add vomit as a secret ingredience to their dishes. Thankfully, we’re not forced to watch too much cooking from these people, and their time runs out.

Their dishes are lined up with descriptions only, and no names… but as TexAsian and GroanyBooger enter the kitchen, Hag Heather decides to try and give her girl a big nonverbal signal to try and get a chubby leg up on being chosen…

she might as well be yelling “STARFISH… I made deep-fried STARFIIIIISH!”

Also? She looks insane. In any case, BoogerWoman and TexAsian dig into the eleven dishes laid out before them. TexAsian says he is shocked to see the chefs who never made it past the Alamo standing there, and you can tell he’s really hoping he doesn’t accidentally pick one of them…

just stay away from anything that looks undercooked, poorly cut or veggiecentric

Chris Scary admits he made an “Asian-inspired” dish in the hopes of pandering to appealing to TexAsian’s heritage and snagging himself a sous-spot. Good to know that Scary’s not stereotyping him or anything. Besides, that’s prolly the smartest move for Scary, it’s not like his food had any distinct stamp of personality anyhow.

TexAsian gets to go first because he won the last challenge, and he chooses a butter soup with shellfish, milk, honey and caviar concoction…

that resembles a Georgia O’Keeffe coochiepic

SCORE! That dish belongs to none other than Masterchef JesseBarb! You can tell GroanyBooger is jealousssss. TexAsian is happy, too, but he realizes that dealing with someone who is used to calling all the shots is going to be difficult when he’s the one in charge of today’s dog-and-pony show. Oh well, it’s GroanyBooger’s turn to pick, and she chooses a dish made of halibut, green lentils and pomegranate seeds…

served on grandma’s best “Hall(elujah)’s Angels” dishes (as seen on TV!)

BOO-YAH! Groany just landed Divot Diva, whom she remembers is the Queen Of The Sauce Girls, and therefore “crucial” to her team. I guess she’s already forgotten that Divot Diva was in the bottom of the Sucky Sauce QuickFire? Anyhow, it’s TexAsian’s turn again, and he selects a dish with buckwheat noodles and local shellfish…

guess whö?

Yeah, not such a big score this time, cuz it’s Ty-Böre (sporting a brand new giant bushy-ass beard) that is mincing his way over to TexAsian’s team…

welcome… please wear a face-net

Meanwhile GroanyBooger’s whining about how badly she wants to reunite with the only woman who makes her look petite & sweet, and that’s Hag Heather. At first she thinks Hag made the dumplings… but then second-guesses herself and is convinced it’s the scallop dish with raisins and citrus curry that belongs to her, so she chooses that instead, thinking it is a dish that is on Hag’s menu…

hmmm, I don’t remember Hag’s food looking so damned… snotty

That’s because that dish doesn’t belong to Hag, it belongs to…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

As StoneBalls makes his way over to GroanyBooger, Jobless Grayson whispers to Hag about what an “unfortunate” choice this is. Have to give it up to Groany, though, she gets in a good one when he finally approaches her and she mutters “Not lettin’ you butcher!”…

you know you nailed the joke when you’re rewarded with BlowJoblessFace™

Next TexAsian chooses a lamb dish with blueberry mustard and crispy parsnips…

which seems less “Asian-inspired” and more “Tampax-inspired”

Yes, this is Chris Scary’s Suck-Up-At-The-Speed-Of-Light Dish, and TexAsian is telling us how Scary’s food is always “pretty” and has a “delicate touch”. He leaves out the part where every dish is an homage to vaginas or breasts. Anyhow, on Groany’s next turn she chooses the chicken and black-pepper buttermilk dumplings…

which she should have looked at more closely

Yes, her first instinct was the correct one, this is Hag Heather’s dish, and now the Alliance Of Evil™ has officially been reformed…

to celebrate, Hag plans to give her buddy a big double boobhonk

Of course, this helps Groany’s strategy, too, since we all know Hag was a pastry chef and can make Ninja Eddie’s cake recipe as many times as necessary this season. After HaGroany HeaBooger share a reunited kiss, it’s time for TexAsian’s last choice… and he selects the dungeness crab dish…

this dish oddly looks like it might have been made out of precooked crabmeat

ohhh heyyyy, welcome…?

Not trying to say BlackBear flat-out sucks or anything, but… it is really hard to get beyond his major lapse in judgment from the first challenge, and although he won two rounds of Redemption Kitchen™, his own butchery skills are not all that hot, either.

Groany’s last chance, and she goes for a plate of pasta carbonara with fried brussels sprouts…

and a fried egg, which is meant to represent what this chef will do to Groany’s ovaries if she does not pick this plate

Badass Bitchmessage received! This is none other than Jobless Grayson’s work…

and she’s so happy, she’s doing The Robot™

But, awwww, poor little chefgirl whose name I won’t bother to look up… and Vegan CombForward…

and this asshat

Yowtch, Mario CaSnore-a, your salmon dish couldn’t beat Tyler StoneBalls’??!??! Ah well, he doesn’t really mind, because this means he’ll be able to get hammered and stare at Scar’s tits all night long. Personally, I think both chefs dodged a bullet with not picking this guy, I can only imagine how difficult he would be to deal with in a secondary position in the kitchen. Someone would surely have their nipples run down a cheese-grater before the service was done.

So here are the final groups…

Team Slumber Giggle Girl Party (plus horny Tyler)

Team We Got Dis Shit Cold, Yo

Wow, TexAsian’s crew looks serious. Or constipated. Either way, I wouldn’t be surprised if they all put on shades and leather dusters and walked in choreographed slow motion down a long hallway while some kind of Eminem song plays in the background…

word

Wellnow, Scar says they will have six hours today, and three the following day to cook up their final Master Menus and serve them to 100 guests and judges. But first, they get a whole hour to menu plan right now!…

byeeeeeeee!

GroanyBooger immediately sets out the most important rule of the day… that her kitchen has to be “no-drama fun!”…

mmmm, can’t promise that

She continues that her menu is going to be all about taking her German side and melding it with her Italian side, which can be a tricky combo…

and can easily get out of hand

She also says she’s determined to do stuff that’s way outside of her comfort level, being risky will surely pay off and win her the title of Top Chef (which she already deserves, BTW, in case you hadn’t heard). Also, Hag is gonna make some kind of cake.

TexAsian is leaning towards doing a menu with a Southeast Asian twist to it. He was gonna say something else, but he gets interrupted by JesseBarb, who has some rather pushy ideas of her own. He handles it the best way he knows how…

are you a lesbiana? cuz I will totally give you a new Prius V if you’ll shut up

KIDDING, that’a myth that all lesbianas like Priuses (but that thing about how they move in with each other on the second date? totally true) Anyhow, TexAsian says that he’s honored to work with JesseBarb, but there’s no way he’s going to allow anybody to derail him from what he really wants to do. Not even a weird hard-looking female doppelganger for Mark Zuckerberg.

Back over at the No Drama FUN Group, Groany’s talking about pickling some veggies, and Tyler StoneBalls suggests she cook them sous vide. Ah, but BoogerWoman has never done sous vide before, and although she just got finished telling us all how she was ready to go way outside of her comfort zone and take risks (because otherwise she shouldn’t be there <– her own words) apparently this wacky new attitude does not apply to suggestions coming out of StoneBalls’ creepy plasticky looking face…

which she can’t even look at

She says she can’t believe the balls on StoneBalls, or the mere fact that he would even suggest things to her when he got booted from the competition before he even cooked anything. Naturally, all of her sister-ladies support her position. And absolutely none of them bring up the fact that GroanyBooger has been in the bottom five times this season, so she’s not exactly Chunky Miss Perfect, either.

Oh well, it’s off to the store (which is NOT Whole Paycheque Market for once) and GroanyBooger is super thankful they don’t have to buy dead plants chopped in half to decorate their restaurants with. Instead they are at a place called Granville Market, which Groany says is on an island underneath the giant bridge that runs through the middle of Vancouver, which sounds awesome. Also…

it reminds me of other fresh and tasty things you can find under bridges

So BoogerWoman is clearly feeling like she’s been saddled with a liability in the form of a young douchebuck whose name rhymes with Dialer PhoneCalls, so she claims her strategy with him is to “give him precise things to do… I’m trying to make him feel like he’s part of the group… and to get him to feel like I actually give a shit.”…

because lying to people on your team is a big part of becoming Top Chef

I love that she sees absolutely nothing wrong with being patronizing and condescending towards a (barely) grown adult, and feels like micromanaging Tyler is the most effective way to get the best results (instead of being honest and admitting that being a controlling bitch towards him is just a fun pastime for her and her Gyrlz’ amusement). Then again, StoneBalls is a giant dickbag, so I guess maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with her acting like this. The thing is, I wonder how TexAsian would have handled him. What if that guy can really cook, and what if he had some good suggestions? Groany shut him down before he had a chance… but then again, his delivery is super-annoying, so I dunno, I guess what I’m trying to say is I kinda hate them both and am loving the fact that they’re now forced to work together and be really uncomfortable about it all.

Speaking of TexAsian, he’s at the seafood counter buying crabmeat and wonders aloud to his team about whether or not he should buy some extra spot prawns. He gets a chorus of “Stick to the plan!” and “Don’t make stuff up as you go!” and “Can I borrow $5,000.00?” in return. At the last minute, however, he decides to buy the shrimp anyhow, perhaps it’s use will become clearer later on…

does anybody else see that big red Foreshadowing Fish™ on the wall?

That was an odd vignette, wasn’t it? Heavy with portents and omens, to be sure. In any case, it looks like they have finished shopping and are heading off to go to…

goddamn sonofabitching assfuckies

Well, I guess we couldn’t have a single episode without the Whole Paycheque experience. They’ll prolly find a way to shoehorn that place into the Reunion Show next week by having a flashback of their Favorite Shopping Moments™, all of which will be of Bore-verly running into shit with her cart…. and since she’s not here to do any of that now, let’s listen to TexAsian talk about how he failed out of college and thus began his culinary career later than most (and under two sad pairs of Disappointed Parent Eyes). He says that his folks have never really had much reason to be proud of him (and for realsies, it’s hard to make the phrase “my pot-dealing son who lives in a dog turd infested apartment” sound appealing at your average Older Lady Bridge Party™) so he really wants to win Top Chef, not because of the money, or because he deseeeerves it, but because it might finally prove to his parents that he can follow through…

and succeed at something other than being scruffily cute

Seriously? GIVE THIS KID THE TITLE NOW. But first, we have to see GroanyBooger and her Pussycat Posse take over Black & Blue Restaurant to begin their five hours of prep work. She’s fully realized that she can’t make every dish herself, so she’s going to have to trust these ladies… but not StoneBalls, whom she gives the least important tasks to, such as washing veggies, chopping celery and sacrificing his manhood…

which Hag is now going to make into a delicious broth

Over at Coast Restaurant, TexAsian’s taking contro-ol (now I’m all grown up) and demonstrating exactly how he wants stuff to be done. He’s a little concerned because none of the people on his team are really fully familiar with the style of food he’s making here (Japanese with Asian influences) so he’s determined to watch them closely. However he does not have his head shoved up their asses, nor is he barking at anyone like they’re an errant five-year-old…

five-year-olds do not get to party like this

We’ve been fairly commercial-free for most of this episode so far…

but it’s TurdBlotto Time!

Now that they’ve finished their first night’s prep work, TexAsian and GroanyBooger meet with La Gassy and Daddy Tom to do some wine-pairing, which I could not be more bored by, so we’re not going to spend much time here… other than to reveal that when the two chefs ask Daddy Tom and La Gassy for any advice, La Gassy tells TexAsian in a very serious voice that he needs to “take a snapshot of Restaurant Wars”…

and then burn it over a black candle at midnight while reciting the alphabet backwards

TexAsian knows exactly what La Gassy means, and says he felt like Canned Peen was a failure because he was so worried about stepping on people’s toes that he did not step up and lead properly. There’s no chance of that now, not because he’s a dick, but because this is clearly his gig, and not the four-way cockfight that they had to deal with during Restaurant Wars.

Back in the Redrum Room, GroanyBooger is having a convo on the Mobile Device Of Death™…

with her honey bunny

She says calling Pvt Pyle has a calming effect on her…

until she finds out he’s hanging out at some skankbar while she’s away

Ah well, I’d prolly be whooping it up, too… if she loses, he’s going to have to deal with an awful lot of grief, so he might as well start working on his alcohol tolerance now.

It’s the next day. The final day. The LAST DAY TO COOK. Team GroanyBooger runs into their restaurant Bruises to start their last three hours of cooking, and she can’t believe StoneBalls has shown up wearing dress pants and wingtips, “What is he doing? Does he know he’s gonna cook?!?”…

to be fair, I bet he figured he was just gonna chop more veggies, why dress down for that?

Across town, at Coasting Towards Victory restaurant, TexAsian’s crew has arrived and he’s assigning them all to their various stations, and JesseBarb tells us working with him is amazing… “He’s got passion, drive, wisdom…”

and hopefully, deep hair conditioner

Ruh-roh, there’s an even bigger problem than JesseBarb’s limp and lifeless hairstyle. For some reason, the crabmeat they were planning to use has developed a strange odor overnight, and as BlackBear tastes it, you can clearly see it’s not a pleasing or delicious odor…

this tastes like funky fungus feet

TexAsian notices and comes over to smell and taste the crabmeat, and quickly realizes it has gone bad. Thank GOD he bought all those spot prawns yesterday! Of course this means that BlackBear gets to work with peeling and deveining his old nemesis, the uncooked shrimp.

Back over at Bruises, they are having issues as well, because StoneBalls is taking his sweet time mixing the ice cream by hand, and just doesn’t seem to be working at a satisfactory speed, which Jobless Grayson thinks is highly inappropriate… to counteract this, she says “We’re gonna jam out with our clams out… and Tyler’s gonna do what he does…”

which is pass out with his ass out, I would guess

Here’s the thing: StoneBalls may be a big smelly hunk of walking butt-lint, but he’s not totally stupid, and I’m sure it has not escaped his notice the way GroanyBooger is all “Woo hoo women!” with everyone else… and then turns around and talks down to him over every microscopic move he makes. BoogerWoman is treating him almost like he’s Bore-verly with the tone she’s adopting, and while I’m sure being the non-favorite on the team is fun and all, it prolly doesn’t go that far towards making him want to help her win $125,000.00. So, do I think he’s digging his heels in a little bit? Absolutely. Is it unprofessional behavior? Most likely. Do I blame him for it? Fuck no…

think I’ll just get high on nitrogen fumes now

TexAsian’s team seems to all be on board with his plans… but it also helps that he has JesseBarb there to lend a voice of authority to the group, Scary, BlackBear and Ty-Böre are not gonna cross her in any way… especially not while she’s in the middle of making dessert… oh, and BTW…

welcome back to the show, SALT

The final timer has just beeped, it’s time for both restaurants to start serving their customers. TexAsian has renamed his place “qi”, and we see his mom and dad arrive with his girlfriend in tow. We also see Cocky Chewy, DaCody Diablo, Ninja Eddie and Mousy Lindsay sitting down. The judges eating at qi first include Marco CaSnore-a…

no really, I’m glad no one picked me, I din’t wanna cook, not hurt at all… *snif*

They also have the Head Judge from Top Chef Canada, Mark McEwan…

and his fucking 80′s Brady Bunch Perm™

Ladies, please answer me this: have short, tight curls arranged in a semi-globe around a man’s head ever made you want to fuck him? And sexual fantasies about turning Richard Simmons straight don’t count. I’m just curious. Anyhow, finally, we have Cat Cora, the Lady who puts the lipstick in lesbiana…

and for all we know maybe literally as well

Please, you knew I was going there. Oh, and speaking of Simmonses, Gail’s there (in a hideous sequined number) along with Daddy Tom…

in a sexy pair of nerdy Clark Kents

Woof. Me likey Daddy in glasses. SO, they get a gander at the menu, which Daddy says looks nice and clean, and Gail notes there is no meat on the horizon, just eggs, fish, more eggs and more fish. Finally, TexAsian comes out and starts things off with his first course…

is “chawanmushi” Japanese for
“shrimp made to look like half-microwaved frogmeat”?

You know, a big hunk of stinky gone-over crab would have been right at home in this dish, too. In any case, they dig in, and Catty-Corner likes the way the egg custard is jiggling, I guess being semi-phlegmy is correct for chawanmushi. Gail likes the delicious saltiness of it, and Brady Perm says it has a “pleasant flavor-profile” and thinks that TexAsian really “knows his ingrediences”. Um, he better…

cuz this is, like, the FINALE doofus

We’re zooming back over to Bruises (that has now been imaginatively renamed by GroanyBooger to “Monte Verde” – which is also the name of a super-ghetto apartment complex I almost moved to here in town, so, FAIL) and we get to see Sarah’s mom and her male BFF arrive, with Private Pyle sluggishly bringing up the rear. BoogerWoman is back in the kitchen getting ready to serve up a hot bowl of this…

boiled black widows?

Nope, that’s just pasta that’s been dyed the color disgusting using squid ink. Groany says it’s delicious, though, so what if it looks like cut-up colon cancer? Anyhow, she’s presenting to her half of the Judges, which include Scar, Hughnibrow, and La Gassy, as well as some guy named David Myers…

who managed to give his restaurant an even worse name than “Monte Verde”

Just because it’s in another language does not mean it can’t suck… so while GroanyBooger’s trying to pass off “Green Mountain” in Italian, this guy is inadvertently ripping off a Mariah Carey song and calling his place “Like That” in French (all while wearing his hair in a dick-doink pseudo-ponytail on the back of his head)… quel sac de douche! OH, and then there’s Mr. TurdBlotto himself…

who always looks like he fell right out of the movie Casino

Well, let’s find out about this first dish of Groany’s menu…

looks like this was the only way to get her frozen mousse from last week to melt

La Gassy proclaims it delicious, and David DickDoink says (in a super-nasal voice) that he was worried about the different culinary regions being represented in the dish, but he thinks it’s perfectly pulled together. And here comes her second course…

sandpaper fish filets on top of a big beige smear, mmmm

Once again, La Gassy is a big fan, he loves the crust on the trout and that beige fennel sauce… but DickDoink complains that the beets on his plate are just plain raw, and La Gassy has to concede that perhaps they have not been pickled enough…

also, I like to do this once in a while to prove that not even models can look pretty when they’re really eating

We also see a table that has Penis-Hair, LimpHawk, Whatsherface and Bore-verly, and Bore is praising the dish to the heavens… but she looks a little tired…

or maybe she’s boredzzzzzzzz

Heading back to “qi”, TexAsian gets word that Table 30 would like to speak to him… it turns out to be his family’s table…

and they are totes adorbies

And now I’m writing like a 14 year old girl. Honestly, TexAsian gets a little choked up seeing his family there all smiley-smiles and excited to see what he’s going to do. Speaking as a man who has performed for family members, it’s true, there is just something very touching about having the chance to really show your folks what you can do and how good you can be, whether it’s cooking amazing JapanAsian food (like TexAsian) or shaking your fat ass onstage with a drag queen that’s pretending to be Janet Jackson (me). In any case, this was prolly the best thing for him, cuz he says seeing the family put him at ease and got him fired up to win. So now he can bring on his second course…

this is where the real “jam out with your clam out” comes into play

CaSnore-a says TexAsian has a great eye for aesthetics, he loves the pop of color and the score-lines on the mushroom. Daddy Tom thinks the broth was really aromatic, and likes the combo of smoky and salty, “It’s hard to fault this dish.” Um, stop trying then? Cuz here is the third course…

Prince-inspired porn porridge (with purple kale, pu-urple kaaale)

Daddy Tom immediately says it’s good, but not nearly as interesting as the other dishes have been, and the texture of the rice and fish are too similar. Catty-Corner says the tuna tasted amazing (duh, she would) but she can’t quite figure out how the dish fits in the menu…

and I can’t figure out why this guy gets to be on TV

Back at BoogerGreen Mountain, Groany’s feeling super-nervous about her third course, which is veal cheeks and sweetbreads… she’s not happy with the consistency of the polenta she’s serving it with, it’s too chunky. Hag is busy trying to convince her it tastes awesome, but BoogerWoman knows it’s too late to change it now…

and it’s not like it looks any lumpier than anything else on that plate

Scar says the veal cheek is luscious and Hughnibrow pipes up that the polenta reminds him of breakfast porridge, he wants to put berries and syrup on it…

because he is a perpetual 10-year-old who still loves his Looney Tunes

And finally… we come to GroanyBooger’s last dish of the entire season…

most of which was actually fabricated by Hag and StoneBalls

I can’t hate, that looks damned good, and chefs don’t often get fat if they make shitty desserts (I’m not a chef, so I can’t use that as an excuse for why I’m so fat). DickDoink says the white chocolate was a great surprise, and TurdBlotto agrees, although he believes she magically turned it into caramel. Hughnibrow says flat-out that he’s going to have fun ripping this dessert off and serving (a better version of it) at his restaurant, big white choco-log or not. La Gassy says the meal as a whole was spot-on, but dessert took it “over the top”. DickDoink overenthuses that Groany’s menu showed “strokes of genius” in it. Is he trying to get his own show, too? Cuz he sounds about as sincere as a Rush Limbaugh apology. Oh well, Scar says it’s time for them to head on over and check out the meal at “qi”.

Back in the kitchen, GroanyBooger is pissed that she wasn’t able to fix her lumpolenta in time for the first service, but it sounds like she’s actually doing something entirely different with it for the second service…

such as washing out the pan first before she uses it

Wait a minute, that sounds a little fishy, are they allowed to entirely change the preparation and ingrediences of a dish inbetween the two rounds? Cuz that sounds suspiciously like CHEATING. Hey, if my original concept was terrible and sucky, no problemo… I’ll just make a new dish for the next round and pretend that’s what I meant to do all along…

because after all, I deseeeerve to win this… by any means possible

I sure hope TexAsian gets a Do-Over™ as well, but first we get to see his dessert get served…

ugh, more spit foam

I just don’t think I’m ever gonna like someone serving me a plate of food that looks like the kitchen staff loogied all over it. But Gail seems to like the foam, she says it’s very spicy, and Catty-Corner agrees it’s no joke. Brady Perm says the first mouthful is a “power-punch” and likes the texture of the puffed rice as well… and then he goes and ruins my night by calling it a “sexy meal”…

you, sir, are my new boner killer

Ugh, I can’t imagine having to watch 17 episodes with this guy… and you know that’s saying something, because I recapped two seasons of Top Chef Masters with Jay “FugTaser” Rayner in them…

the previous boner murderer

Both of them just remind me way too much of that one lecherous swinger neighbor you always have in your apartment complex who likes to wander around in nothing but silk boxers all day while carrying a highball and feeling you up with his eyes from behind his outdated aviator sunglasses. Oh, and his dick is always bobbing obscenely, it’s like he’s found a way to bounce and jiggle things that should be staying put… but don’t. Hey, how about a hand-washing break? Or a Silkwood shower? Be right back.

Anyhow, Daddy Tom thinks TexAsian knocked it out of the park, and hopes GroanyBooger can do the same (well, certainly, now that she’s had time to change her problem dishes). With that, they head on over to BoogerGreen Mountain, where Groany’s about to get the call to visit her family. What do you think happens when she lays eyes on Mama, BFF and Private Pyle?…

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
(((deep breath)))
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

GroanyBooger really loves her single-mom, though, and that’s sweet. She begins her second service with her oil-spill pasta….

which looks just as BP-flavored as it did the last time

CaSnore-a raves that Groany was able to infuse the coconut flavor in a way that’s “really an accomplishment”. Daddy Tom says he gets a lot of richness from it, and that it’s a successful dish. She quickly moves on to her fish course, and everything seems to be going pretty well… until she drops the dish off at her family’s table…

and Private Pyle proceeds to pop her pride-bubble

With her blood freezing in her veins, BoogerWoman books back downstairs and has Divot Diva pull all the fish filets out so they can double check them for bones. Honestly, I’m not sure how this crucial step was missed…

she even wrote it down

TexAsian’s running into issues with his chawanmushi back over at “qi”, he asked BlackBear to make the next batch for the second service, and they all wound up overcooked. He has no choice but to serve them anyhow, because he’s out of eggs to make more. Surprisingly, he tells us that he can’t get mad at BlackBear about it…

well, yeah, technically he could, but it’s never wise to mouth off to ex-large ex-cons

No, the reason TexAsian says he can’t blame BlackBear (and Mousy should listen in on this) is because he admits he trained him on how to make the dish. When he comes out to present to the Judges for the second time and they ask how things are going, he’s pretty honest with them…

fine, except it sucks shit to be me right now

Hughnibrow sends a knowing and rueful smile back and they dig in. DickDoink says he had high hopes for this dish, but the texture is no good, and Hughnibrow doesn’t like the long tangled chives. La Gassy says the prawn is also overcooked. You know, if TexAsian loses because of this, I’d say he could get a little mad at BlackBear…

Now GroanyBooger has served her triple-checked (and furiously de-boned) fish to the Judges. CaSnore-a says it’s perfectly cooked, but Daddy Tom says it’s also perfectly underseasoned. Brady Perm calls the rye crusting “extraordinary”. Then she brings out her vealy sweetcheeks, and CaSnore-a says every bit of it had “that deep richness”, which Catty-Corner agrees with, but she feels like it needed some kind of crunch…

maybe of the Cap’n variety?

Now TexAsian has presented his second dish, and Hughnibrow says it is turning his opinion around because it has been cooked perfectly. Scar likes the crispy skin and La Gassy proclaims the broth to be delicious. Then, when the porridge comes out, DickDoink says Tex is nailing the richness contrast and textural contrast, and Mr. TurdBlotto says he’s never tasted anything that has come close to it before.

Finally, they both serve their last desserts, and Catty-Corner thinks GroanyBooger delivered a great last dish. Gail notes that it has some bitterness to it (not surprised) but that is actually helping to break up some of the sweeter elements…

and speaking of sweet mixed in with bitter

As for TexAsian’s dessert, DickDoink thinks the coconut is refreshing, but Mr. TurdBlotto says he thinks the puffed rice is somewhat overdone. Dude, so is your wine logo.

Well, that’s it for food, for initial reactions, for cooking, for crying and screaming, and now it’s all up to the judges. TexAsian says at the end of the day all he really wants to do is make his parents proud, it would mean everything to him. GroanyBooger repeats that she deserves to be Top Chef. I repeat that we all deserve a Top Chef who doesn’t have a huge sense of entitlement.

Back at Judges’ Table, Daddy Tom proclaims this to have been the best food in all nine seasons of Top Chef. Anybody else believe that one?…

cheep… cheep… cheep… cheep

Obviously Daddy is contractually obligated to act like this is the best. food. EVER. Because nobody on the Magical Elves team really wants to acknowledge that the talent level probably peaked with Season Six in Las Vegas and has never been as high since. Regardless of that, TexAsian says he feels like his food really represented a lot of himself and what he loves. GroanyBooger, on the other hand, isn’t exactly campaigning based on her food as much as she believes her winning Top Chef would be compensation for her having grown up in a single-mom household…

yeah, TexAsian isn’t the only one giving her side-eye right now

I wish I were kidding, but that’s essentially what she said, I’m not just being bitchy. For once. Also, BoogerWoman admits to having completely changed up her third-course polenta between the first and second seatings, and the Judges seem to be fine with that, so okay, I guess doing a totally different dish is allowed. Still seems unfair to me, but whatever.

Conversely, TexAsian admits that his chawanmushi went straight downhill between the first and second seatings, and when Daddy Tom asks him what happened, he simply says they got overcooked. He leaves out the part where most of the other chefs would have said “by BLACKBEAR”. Give. This. Kid. The. Title. Now. With that, the chefs are sent back to the train car to wait while the Judges deliberate, and how they look on the outside is exactly how I feel on the inside…

I am tired and I want to cry

Tonight’s vignette? Is TexAsian and GroanyBooger downing a bunch of rum to get through the next five minutes. I’m way ahead of them. Way, way, way, way, waaaaaay ahead of them.

OK, moment of truth, as a (now) slightly wobbly GroanyBooger and a rather bleary-eyed TexAsian re-enter the Judging Chamber, to the sound of applause (I almost typed applesauce there) coming from their former competitors, parents, friends, fiancés….

and prolly a few production staff members thrown in to beef up the size of the crowd

After Daddy Tom tells them what an absolutely large pleasure it was to watch them cook all season long, and thanks them for giving him The Fuck Meal Of His Life™, he turns to Scar, who turns to them and says…

“Paul… you are Top Chef”

TexAsian’s entire family bursts into tears of joy, while GroanyBooger…

is being consoled by Scar

She weeps that for a moment she thought it was going to be her… and repeats again (this is what the term ad nauseum was created for, I’m sure of it, cuz I’m bout to puke) that she thinks she deserves to be Top Chef… but it just wasn’t her day…

aw, don’t cry, Groany… this sets you up for a Redemption Storyline™ in the next All-Stars Season!

And there we FINALLY have it! What did you think of this episode? Did you feel that GroanyBooger DESERVED to have won instead of TexAsian… or was he the right choice? Are any of you guys suspicious that Tyler StoneBalls just happened to get selected to be an ornery and stubborn sous-chef, which just happened to add extra drama and fun? Do you think it’s fair for a chef to change up a dish mid-meal (not fix an original idea in the execution, but actually use different ingrediences)? And do you think it was Bore-friction that kept her and the other Top Six chefs out of the sous-chef pool?

I want to thank you guys all for having patience with me and wading through my endless musings on this show (not to mention my childish nicknames and silly .gif animations) and like always, your commentary is appreciated. Fear not! We’re not quite shut of each other just yet… I still have the Reunion Episode to recap, in which some pretty awesome things are revealed… and lot of clips are shown of stuff we already saw. Check back in a couple of days for that recap.

In the meantime, I haven’t posted any kitty porn in a while, so I thought I would share this with you ‘Gasmii who are fans of Chunky and Chica…. I came home from work last night to find the following scene (and this is totally for real, exactly as I found it, was not staged by me or the BF)…

somebody was clearly practicing their pole dancing
while someone else was clearly “making it rain”
both looked awful guilty

Love, J-Mo
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