Top Chef Finale: War Of The Jackholes

Well here we are, ‘Gasmii. It’s almost over. Sometimes I feel like we’re such a bonded group because we’ve survived so many utterly stupid things together: fake Season Solidarity, recreated eliminated dishes, snacks for brats, carnivores vs. herbivores, chopping shit up real fast, snooty expensive restaurants, the Stove Top Stuffing battle, tennis court cooking, cooking as fast as Daddy Tom, inedible Dim Sum, fishing for followers, butchering more fish for French dudes, Restaurant Wars, pretty but shitty food, satisfying the fucking Mafia (and that mouthy bitch Lorraine Bracco), gay fondue parties, Fallon Pot Pie, Muppets with cookies, the extended Target commercial, deep-fried dogshit, seafood covered in crude oil, snack bar crapfood, immigrant recipes, the fight for Season Supremacy, Kitchen Inferno and that dumbass King Junkanoo, the repetitive Luby’s cafeteria challenge, serving conch with Sexist Pigshit’s man-tits, recycled QuickFires and Capital Punishment Cookery… and after all of this, I’m sure you all have one single burning question in your minds right now…

couldn’t give two steaming country dumps – 98%

Well, we are here to find out the answer to that question and more… such as, exactly how much Photoshopping did they do to Sexist Pigshit’s waist in the picture above so it would appear as if he can wear only a size 2XL chef’s coat? You think I’m kidding? Take a look at the shot they have on BravoTV.com…

nice try, but nobody’s torso is that ruler-straight

And speaking of Photoshop, I decided to see what BlazeHawk would look like with age-appropriate hair…

still dorky, but far less douchey

Well, let’s dive on into this one (second-to) last time, shall we? We open this episode with a group shot of all the remaining fans of Top Chef: All-Stars…

Then we cut to BlazeHawk and Sexist Pigshit in a holding area, and SexPig can barely restrain himself from cackling with glee over LowFatSo’s ouster, he’s telling Blazey that she “stumbled” and “never really regrouped”. Yeah, after being handed non-working equipment, rotten ingredients and completely foreign cuisine. This smarmy fucker just needs to shut his fucking piehole, because if he’d had to deal with any of that, he wouldn’t have “regrouped” either…

this is how we will all be feeling in exactly 59 minutes

After lying some more and claiming he “felt bad” for his cuz LowFatSo getting sent home after having worked so hard (against nearly impossible obstacles, thanks to the Magical Elfshits) SexPig flies off into utter DelusionVille when he claims he’s going to win because he’s a “better cook” than BlazeHawk…

um, FYI, when you lie, your chin disappears

For his part, BlazeHawk is groaning that he was wishing LowFatSo would have beaten Pigshit so he could have competed against her in the Finale. Why? “I would rather go up against Antonia because I’ve already beat her once and I think i could have beat her again…”

um, FYI, further dissing LowFatSo is not making you any more likeable

We get it, Top Chef believes men chefs are better than lady chefs, and self-awareness is only suitable for chicks and gays. Anyhow, after each of these two asshats wishes the other to lose, Daddy Tom and Scar show up to condragulate them for making it to the Finale and tell them about their Final Challenge which contains no bullshit twists or asinine turns… they simply have to create “The Restaurant Of Their Dreams”…

fortunately, someone has already made mine a reality

BlazeHawk gets goosebumps at this news, and then we cut to a montage of him winning several challenges (the best one is hearing Erique Le Rippert call him a “wiener”) as Sexist Pigshit bitterly VOs that Blazey has “always been one of the favorites to win this competition”. Maybe at the start, but I think he lost most of us around his 29,357th “I should have won Season Four” interview.

This is followed by a (much shorter) montage of SexPig’s (much fewer) wins, followed by him lauding himself for such “a huge accomplishment — to make it out of New York, twenty-four challenges deep!” Yeah, and here’s a graphic of how Pigshit did that in comparison to the other four chefs who pulled off the same feat…

slow and strictly mediocre is his way

I don’t care how many times they try to paint Sexist Pigshit as an awesome chef, the real proof is in the stats, and there is nothing that can be pointed to in the first twelve weeks of this show that really sets him apart as anything other than a trash-talking middle-of-the-road dickbag… even when we have BlazeHawk VO’ing that beating SexPig will be difficult because he is “riding this tremendous high down here in the Bahamas” it just sounds hollow and forced. This isn’t an even match-up by any means, no matter how they try to spin it. I mean, SexPig can’t even come up with an original sound-bite, for Chrissakes, he has to gank his from Bitter Jen… “Second place is the first loser!”…

don’t worry, you’ll always be our first loser

Just to reiterate the prizes, the winner gets to have a feature article in Food & Whine magazine, a showcase at the annual Food & Whine Classic in Aspen, CO, plus $200,000.00 smackeroos to blow on making solid-gold statues of themselves in their own restaurants. Oh yeah, and the TITLE… that has ELUDED them ALL…

we are no longer kidding ourselves

OK, now that that crap is out of the way, let’s get back to hearing about their Final Elimination Challenge. They must create a four-course tasting menu… and “tasting menu” is just a fancy way of saying “tiny portions of several dishes that make up a single meal”… you all do the same thing for yourselves whenever you hit the line at HomeTown Buffet. In any case, this tasting menu needs to showcase their very best skills and prove their superiority and blah blah blah, meet Scar in the kitchen the following morning for the rest of the deets.

On the way back to their hotel suite (where they will spend the rest of the evening drinking and furtively masturbating) Sexist Pigshit whines that he quit his job and missed his honeymoon to do this show, which just makes him sound like an incredibly poor planner considering the fact that he was married on August 29th, 2009 (he couldn’t take a honeymoon in the year since his season wrapped and All-Stars started?) Plus, honestly, it never makes me root for someone when they say they’ve quit their job to be on reality TV, because we all know they hope that reality TV is going to be their new job. And sometimes they are correct, look at what TurkeyHair is doing with himself (which I’m sure is grating on SexPig’s last nerve, hahahaha!)

The next morning, as BlazeHawk wears his super-cool hipster cap and Pigshit humps a couch cushion, they have a big fight about which one of them is “the underdog”…

“I’m the underdog.”
“No, I’m the underdog.”
“I’m way fatter.”
“I’m far more pasty.”
“I’m threatened by people who menstruate.”
“I have the most pathetic mid-life crisis wardrobe evah.”
“The fans hate me more than they hate you.”
“Agreed. But only just barely.”

I could not have imagined two less interesting people to be watching have this conversation. If OranJello had made it to the end, we would have been hearing about how much he was going to make love to his proteins while being simultaneously grossed-out and turned on… and Beaker would have been breaking up more fish-stick fights between Ronda and Juanita and staring bug-eyed at individual air molecules.

Finally, their talk turns to much more interesting topics, such as who they would want to choose out of the other 15 All-Stars cast members in the inevitable Force-Eliminated-Chefs-To-Help-You-Win-$200K segment. Speaking of which, that’s exactly who Scar has gathered in the kitchen! They’re all there…

the good…

the bitter…

and the douchetastic monkeyboy who wears sunglasses indoors

Wake up, Turdle! This is the finale you lazy chefbian! Scar welcomes them to the Bahamas and gives them the awesome news that some of them will get to work as sous-chefs for the two remaining shitdicks chefs. Everybody looks bored and pissy, and I kinda don’t blame them… it’s bad enough to be branded a two-time loser, it’s even worse to be forced to shove your nose up the asses of the unlikeable finalists left in this game. In any case, Scar says they’ll have 30 minutes to come up with an amuse-bouche for BlazeHawk and Sexist Pigshit to taste… and their time starts now! BOOM, everyone takes off like molasses to begin cooking a dish that might get them chosen to be sweated on by Sexist Pigshit for five or six hours. The excitement is measurable.

Meanwhile, back in the Shithead Suite™, it comes as no surprise that the only female chef Blazey and SexPig would want to work with is the least feminine of all of them… Bitter Jen. They both agree that they’d rather fuck a meat-slicer than have to work with Jamie Turdle again, mostly because of her slow speed and her amazing tendency to become seriously injured by innocuous items like potato peelers, sheets of paper and passing butterflies. BlazeHawk says the real question is, who really wants to be there?…

guess who the editors immediately cut to after he says that?

I think we can all agree… that was no coincidence. I wonder if she’s washing off her knives before she goes on a stabby spree? Anyhow, BlazeHawk’s also looking for people who want to work and who will listen to them. In that case, they’d better cross Marcel TurkeyHair and Spike EvangelAss and Steven AssBurrito off the list as well.

Well, the 30 minutes are up, and here come Pigshit and BlazeHawk to judge the dishes. The twist is, they have no idea who made what… but in some cases the owners of those dishes have made it obvious who they belong to…

what other Italian Stallion chef (whose name rhymes with Blobby Ho) would serve an amuse bouche on burnt paper?

Blazey claims he can’t match the chefs to the dishes in front of him based on appearance, so he’s just going to choose based on flavor profile. Sexist Pigshit is dying to figure out which one of these little treasures belongs to TurkeyHair, because the Law Of Repellent Assholes™ dictates that they will never be able to amicably work together (and we flash back to their little tiff from Restaurant Wars). I bet it is killing SexPig that TurkeyHair got his own show.”

Anyhow, they are tasting, tasting, tasting, and apparently they’re taking a really long time, because out of the blue Spike EvangelAss mutters “You know, some of us have jet-ski reservations…” Hahaha, oh, he has to be one of the chosen now! Sure enough, BlazeHawk gets to pick first and chooses a squid ceviche… which happens to have been made by EvangelAss…

yours just got cancelled

Ruh-roh. Is this the first step towards BlazeHawk’s Second Choking™? He is very concerned that Spikey’s head isn’t going to be focused on how to freeze everything in sight with liquid nitrogen, and actually asks him if he’s upset he’s going to have to cook for him. Come ON, BlazeHawk! You should be giggling like the rest of us that this jerkoff is being forced to work for you. There’s too much scrutiny for him to be able to out-and-out fuck up your chances. Besides, it’s too late now, so, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

SexPig gets to choose next, and selects a yogurt curry (naturally)… which turns out to belong to Bitchani. Pigshit says he chose that dish because he thought it was Bitter Jen’s, and you can tell he’s not really happy about being stuck with some other pair of tits on his team…

looks like the feeling is mutual

He complains the Bitchani “can be tough to work with sometimes” (i.e., she has formed her own opinions) but concedes that she has a top-notch pedigree as far as culinary skills go. I’m sure she’s flattered by hearing his faint praise now.

BlazeHawk selects a simple chicken wing next, and is rewarded with OranJello! Sexist Pigshit chooses a pork tenderloin and is penalized with Turdle!…

who still hasn’t fully woken up

For BlazeHawk’s final pick, he goes with an egg dish, which turns out to be LowFatSo’s. He claims he thought this dish might be hers and he’s thrilled, he just hopes that she can regroup since she was just sent home. She assures him she’s just fine, but I imagine the same could not be said if she had landed on SexPig’s side. And speaking of SexPig, his last choice is a tropical salsa which belongs to… BEAKER! OMG, you guys, we get to have a semi-OranJello-LowFatSo-Beaker Finale after all! And Pigshit is saddled with an all-female team of sous-chefs. He tries to laugh it off and tell us he’s excited to work with them, even going so far as to call them his “angels” (as in the Charlie variety) but it’s still pretty plain that he would rather have had an all-penis party. Sadly, this is the only thing he and I will ever have in common.

The other chefs are dismissed… and more than a couple appear to be overjoyed that they have the rest of the day to relax and go jet-skiing…

and Miss Elia is just biding her time until the Reunion Episode

I included that screenshot at commenter reality’s request… but truthfully, I don’t think Miss Elia was giving a fuck-you to anybody, I’ve seen people blow kisses at each other that way before. In any case, Scar says that SexPig and Blazey now get an hour to plan their menus, and five hours the next day to cook for 70 patrons plus the judges. Aaaaaand BREAK…

The first thing Sexist Pigshit does is tell his gathered SexPig Angels the name of his awesome restaurant… IZ. He says a lot of people have called him Izzy growing up and he wants people to immediately recognize that they’re coming to a Mike Isabella restaurant. Except I don’t think any of these Bahamians know him, so whatever. I take greater issue with the fact that he thinks he can co-opt the name IZ…

the one true IZ

Meanwhile, BlazeHawk’s decided to call his place “Tongue & Cheek” and plans to have “duality” in all of his dishes. I guess “duality” is another word for “liquid nitrogen”? It is interesting to note that he believes his group is a team and tells us he knows what OranJello, EvangelAss and LowFatSo are capable of, so he’s just going to let them do what they do best, even if they have no idea what to do with a “Cap’n Crunch Ice Cream” dessert. Contrast that with the SexPig Angels, whose ideas are being roundly (and in some cases, rudely) ignored because Pigshit says he’s already got all of his dishes planned out. He just wants them to do what he tells them to do. In other words, get your barefoot pregnant asses in the kitchen, ladies, and rattle those pots and pans like he toldja!

Pigshit believes the pressure is on BlazeHawk because he’s going to totally outcook him (right). BlazeHawk believes SexPig’s confidence and swagger are both his biggest strength and his undoing weakness. Is it still too late for us to throw someone likable into this mix? Cuz I’m still really annoyed with both of them. No? Oh well, let’s go to commercial…

why is FahBeeOh trying to channel Pauly D?

Magically it has become the following day and the two camps have begun their final five hours to cook. Sexist Pigshit has set up in the Seafire Restaurant at Flat Mantis, and he says quite honestly that the Sexist Pigshit from Season Six could not have handled this challenge, he wasn’t mature enough at that time. I dunno why he seems to think he’s more mature now, maybe he thinks body fat makes you wiser. If that’s the case, then I’m fucking Albert Einstein by now.

BlazeHawk has chosen Café Martinique as his home base, and says the reason why he didn’t win Season Four is because Stephanie Izard beat his ass he “tried to tell too much of a story” with his food, instead of just making tasty delicious food. He says he is now “over” creativity for creativity’s sake…

but he certainly hasn’t gotten over food drenched in chemicals

In the middle of cooking and ordering his Angels around the Seafire kitchen, Sexist Pigshit also takes time out to run over things with his staff and choose some Queerlato wines, which he calls “great food-drinking wine”. Huhwha? I guess he’s planning on serving some “great wine-eating food” to go with it. Anyhow, he’s got Bitchani working the fish station, Beaker working the dessert station (and front of the house), and as for Turdle, well…

she gets to chop’n'peel veggies by the garbage can

SexPig certainly is confident in his menu and his execution, so he fully believes there’s no way he can’t win this. Normally when you hear this kind of cocky crap on a reality TV show, it means the spouter of said cocky crap is about to simultaneously go down in flames and up in mushroom clouds, but I can’t tell any more if the Magical Elves are editing him to win or lose, so let’s move on to more familiar territory…

far too familiar territory

Oh please, we knew it was coming. BlazeHawk is in an absolute tizzy, he’s braising pork belly and short-ribs, brining sablefish and extracting bone marrow plus he’s decided to make an amuse-bouche of his own (even though it is not required as part of a tasting menu). He has OranJello doing mise-en-place for all the cold dishes, LowFatSo is handling all of the veggies, and EvangelAss is tackling the dessert and (inexplicably) the front of the house duties. I’m not sure why he’s putting the absolute scruffiest member of his team where diners can actually see him, but maybe his reasoning is that the food will look so much cleaner and more composed by comparison.

Ruh-roh, I guess he wasn’t able to liquid nitrogenize everything, because he’s having to use an actual ice-cream maker to pump out… foie gras ice cream? Wait, what happened to the Cap’n Crunch dessert? Well, he says the dessert is the “least thought-through” of his dishes and at the last second he switched from the cereal to the duck liver…. and now the ice cream is coming out rather grainy and crumbly…

it also looks like tile grout, so, yummy

Daddy Tom comes to check on Sexist Pigshit, who is sweating and says he’s in the weeds because he has soooooo much to do, and thank GOD he’s got his SexPig Angels there to stuff for him, like rub his back and whisper sexy affirmations in his ear. Anyhow, Daddy Tom gives voice to what’s been in everyone’s mind since Pigshit got put on this season, “I dunno if anybody really sort of picked you getting all the way here…” Naturally Pigshit proudly says he’s the only person who picked himself to wind up in this Finale. Now if only the judges will pick this giant booger of a douchebag to get off our TVs this evening.
Then Daddy Tom hits up BlazeHawk and starts poking him about how he’s dealing with the pressure of being in another Finaaaaaale. Surprisingly, Blazey seems to be pretty calm and collected and just says hopefully this time things will be different. But Daddy Tom wants to knooooow at this pooooooint what can go wrooooong? What a stupid question! Jesus, Daddy, you already know the answer to that! Anything can go wrong…

duh

We have several shots of LowFatSo, OranJello and EvangelAss collaborating with each other, and making suggestions to BlazeHawk, who actually seems to be keeping an open mind to their ideas for making his dishes even better. Then we flip over to the SexPig Harem where he’s snottily asking Beaker if she’s capable of doing a seating chart or not…

how would you like Ronda and Juanita to pull your colon inside out, fat boy?

Are the producers playing up these differences for all they’re worth? Absolutely! Did the producers tell BlazeHawk and Pigshit to act like night and day in the kitchen with their respective staff members? Possibly! Is this contrast making us truly like Blazey any more than we did before? Not a chance! Especially when he starts whining about how he’s sooooo nervous that maybe he’s just going to be “that person” who can’t win $200,000.00 cooking competitions. Gawd, shut UP already!

And so the evening begins at Tongue & Cheek, and the judges are greeting by EvangelAss…

who has thankfully decided to dress up for a change

Honestly, I wonder if him wearing his best homeless dude hat and that ratty flannel was his way of trying to middle-finger BlazeHawk’s chances to win, because he looks like complete shit. Let’s head to commercial…

guess Bethenny is pissed that this party isn’t all about her

Back at Tongue & Cheek, BlazeHawk had initially wanted to do an amuse-bouche of oysters and crème fraîche molecules, but then he scrapped it because the lower-level kitchen staff didn’t butcher the oysters prettily enough, but now at the last second he’s fished out the best looking ones and is going to serve the amuse-bouche anyhow, damn the risks! I know, I was totally drowsy worried about that situation, too!…

I’m more concerned about why he’s serving it with Ronald McDonald’s pubes

But before he can serve it, he has to meet the guest judges, which oddly include my grandmother…

who must have enrolled in the Witness Protection Program since I last spoke to her because she’s using this really weird Croatian name instead of going by MeeMaw-Mo

Also back to judge is one of our favorite guests and one of the few likable Frenchmen (and Scar reminds us, the first ever guest-judge on Top Chef!)…

it’s DJ YouBear Kellair and his brand new scary temple-vein

Not to be outdone by foreigners, we have another high-powered guest judge, whom both Wylie Dufresne and Daddy Tom have worked under…

and he looks like he’s not going to let anyone forget it

Finally, we have the token booze-boob…

looking creepily Mafia-esque as ever

After introducing his restaurant Tongue & Cheek as “a bit of whimsy” they dig into his oyster dish. MeeMaw Nastyabitch says it’s very nice, and YouBear says it’s refreshing and cleansing. Tight-ass Al Portale says it showed a lot of sophistication and skill in it’s execution. Meanwhile, hovering in a completely conspicuous manner directly behind YouBear…

is the Spy Who Bugged Me

Yes, BlazeHawk is extolling how “crafty” EvangelAss is for oh-so-subtly obtaining feedback from the dining room (and especially the Judges’ Table) but honestly, I’ve seen second-graders with more stealth. In any case, they’re off to a great start, everyone loved the oyster, even though Blazey’s not really being graded on it because it isn’t a direct part of the four-course tasting menu… so I guess it’s like extra credit? I dunno, but the real first course is up next…

oh, of course BlazeHawk can get good hamachi!

How much do you want to bet that LowFatSo had to work on that fish, and it must have burned her hands every time she touched it. Anyhow, Billy Boozehound says he loves the portion size (huh?) and all the different colors and textures, and MeeMaw Nastyabitch agrees that they are all harmonizing with each other. We cut to a table of Eliminated Chefs (Miss Elia, FahBeeOh, Dung v2.0, ChesTiffany and Lunch Tray) and they are all glancing at each other with looks that say…

crazy-haired white boy kicked all our asses

So the hamachi is a success. When it’s not slimy and smelly and ready to go rancid. And speaking of rancidly stinky, let’s head on over to Restaurant IZ and see how Beaker is doing with greeting the guests…

hungry yet?

I don’t think Beaker’s trying to sabotage the success of IZ, that’s just the way her face goes sometimes… and it never ceases to make me giggle. Anyhow, besides Daddy Tom and Gail (in one of her worst fugdresses yet!) we’ve got Not-So-Big Gay Art Smith…

whom Oprah is highly pissed at because he got thinner and she can’t

Not-So-Big Gay Art was a contestant during the first season of Top Chef Masters, and speaking of tie-ins, the other Guest Judge tonight is sexy Australian chef Curtis Stone, and after only 2 seconds I am totally in love with him. Why?…

because he’s already looking at SexPig like he’s a dab of shit on his shoes

Stone Fox here is also a judge (alongside LorAnal Garcia) on that America’s Next Great Applebee’s show over on NBC, as well as the replacement for Bok Choi on the upcoming season of Top Chef Masters. In any case, Pigshit describes IZ as an “American-style restaurant, kitchen and bar, very casual but elegant food”. Stone Fox looks like “Whatever, shaddap and gimme a plate, mate.”…

which is a lovely cheese’n'diarrhea salad

Pigshit finally shuts his yap and leaves so they can begin eating. Not-So-Big Gay Art says the chocolate is very subtle in the sauce, and Stone Fox calls it a very composed dish between the rich nuts and the fresh mozzarella. Daddy Tom nods and says SexPig is off to a good start. Except immediately after that we cut to the kitchen where Pigshit is frantically calling out for someone to tell him how long it’s been since the salad course went out, because the next course still isn’t ready… and it’s been almost 20 minutes. And believe me, the Judges have noticed…

it is very ill-advised to keep an FFQ (Formerly Fat Queen) waiting for food

After an unknown amount additional time (I’m hoping about 45 more minutes) Sexist Pigshit is able to get his second course on the table…

while I’m sure Al will appreciate being served Sperm Surprise™ I’m betting Stone Fox and Daddy Tom won’t

SexPig says this is the dish where he really wanted to give it to them, like WOW…

and that’s about all I can say to this particular fugface

Jeez, just when I think he’s all tapped out with the disgusting facial expressions, he digs a little deeper and finds a little more. I am impressed. Anyhow, Daddy Tom and Stone Fox both comment on it’s “fancy presentation”. After eating some, Stone Fox says it’s beautifully cooked, and Daddy Tom goes so far as to say he doesn’t think he’s “ever had a piece of fish on the show that was cooked this nicely… ever.” Stone Fox agrees and says that you forget all about how you were made to wait when you get something this beautiful put in front of you…

which I believe really means he hasn’t forgotten about it at all

There’s another cut to the other table of Eliminated Chefs (AssBurrito, Bitter Jen, Bunny Foo Foo and TurkeyHair) all saying how nice and flavorful it all is…

let’s take a moment to admire the ridiculous extensions that Bitter Jen had installed

Does she have any gays, I wonder? Or were they just not allowed to come along on the trip? I don’t know, but that mane of hers looks very dragalicious. In a cheap trashy dive showcase sort of way. Let’s head back over to Tongue Up Asscheeks for BlazeHawk’s second course…

the kumquats must be in season, no?

Tight-Assed Al immediately proclaims it beautiful and says Blazey did a great job on it. Over at the Loozah Chef’s Table, Dung says this is “Richie at his best”. However, when the Judges’ plates come back only half-eaten, BlazeHawk starts to get freaked and obsessed, wondering if they didn’t finish it because they still have to go eat over at IZ later on. EvangelAss tries to assuage his fears, insisting that everyone loved it and wisely (!!!) directing Blazey to get back on task for his third course…

which is a tasty Tampax Deluxe™!

BlazeHawk admits this dish is “a little bit rustic” and simple. MeeMaw Nastyabitch and Scar both say it’s beautiful and are mmmm-ing away… but Tight-Ass says he wouldn’t give it high marks for creativity, but the execution is good and the flavors are delicious. Billy Boozehound, however, thinks Blazey’s personality really came out in the food. EvangelAss overhears this and reports back to BlazeHawk that the Judges enjoyed his “restraint” and that there wasn’t too much going on in it.

Time to ooze back over to Restaurant JIZZ, and SexPig’s third course, which fittingly features a glazed pig shoulder…

sporting a giant orange hemorrhoid

Pigshit says he calls it his “Tom dish” because he’s always whining about wanting glazed meeeeeat…

ok Tom, here ya go

BTW, I must give credit here, that horrible piece of meat comes from the Meat! Meat! Meat! chapter on one of my favorite food-related websites… the Gallery Of Regrettable Food, which I encourage each and every one of you to visit, because James Lileks is a kindred spirit to TVGasm, and funnier than I could ever hope to be. /Plug

Anyhow, SexPig believes he executed this dish perfectly (and really, what other way could he have possibly executed it, except in a murderous sense?). Daddy Tom takes one bite… and yarks up all over Gail, accidentally improving the design and color-scheme of her terrible dress. KIDDING! He loves it. Gail can’t stop repeating “Pepperoni sauce!” ad nauseum. Not-So-Big Gay Art agrees it’s pretty fantastic, and Stone Fox even admits that it’s a virry noice plyte of food and is the sort of deesh he’ll cryve lyter on. Then Daddy Tom makes me want to puke when he gushes that “This is as good as anybody’s food in the Finale… in fact, it’s better than most.”

Wait, what? I’m sorry, ‘Gasmii, but i have to stop here for a minute and say this all just sounds fucking lunatic to me. I am finding it extraordinarily hard to believe that Sexist Pigshit has suddenly become this super-awesome chef after all these weeks and weeks of mediocrity. It would seem to me that all this effusive praise and orgasmic oomphing is an attempt to legitimize his presence here, but it does not. Feel. Real.

perhaps he’s been practicing other skills with which to woo Daddy Tom?

Not with those janky croggle-ass teeth he ain’t, and I don’t peg Daddy Tom for the type to get turned on by scrape-toothed bee-jays. In any case, it’s time for him to present his fourth (and thankfully final) dessert course…

uhh, flan and fruit salad?

Gail’s vagina immediately dries up. “What did you think of it?” she asks Daddy Tom. He says it’s slightly overcooked, but also it was cooked too quickly, as evidenced by the visible air bubbles. Not-So-Big Gay Art says he likes the flavor, “but I don’t like the way it feels in my mouth.” Whoa, that’s never going to be considered an endorsement from a gay man! Stone Fox says it’s SexPeeg’s woieekist deesh boi fahh. Over at the Bitter & Eliminated Table™, AssBurrito says there’s nothing ‘wow’ about this dessert at all. As for TurkeyHair? Well, he’s busy…

daydreaming about all the wowdesserts he’s going to make on his own show

I’m still trippin’ over that fact. ANYhow, it looks like SexPig’s caramel nutz and fruit segments dessert is kind of a FAIL. Hahahaha. It’s time to see if BlazeHawk was able to make his foie gras ice cream work…

not unless he meant for it to look like cat puke

You may think I’m kidding, but I’m dead serious, I once set down a plate with a lemon mini-cake that looked almost exactly like every yellow-colored part of the dish you see above… I was about to eat it, but I suddenly hadda pee and I figured it would be safe, so I left it and went to the bathroom, and when I came back and sat down, I damn near dug in before I realized that while I was gone my kitty had taken a big bite of cake and lemon frosting, chewed it, swallowed it, and then immediately barfed it up all over the plate, along with a generous helping of the Little Friskies Seafood Supreme™ she’d had for dinner. It looked exactly like every other part of the dish you see above. I never leave food unattended in my house any more, but Chunky and Chica also know better than to try to get in between Mommy J-Mo and his beloved cake.

In any case, BlazeHawk isn’t stupid, he fully realizes that the foie gras ice cream has an icky color and a grainy texture and is rightfully worried about what the Judges are going to think of it. We cut to them eating it, and Tight-Ass is saying he likes the corn bread, but he wasn’t expecting the “freeze-dried whatever-this…. is”. MeeMaw Nastyabitch says she doesn’t think it added a lot to the dish. EvangelAss immediately runs back to the kitchen to tell Blazey that it’s a “controversial dish”…

no this is a controversial dish, Blazey’s dessert is just gross

He tells him the main criticism is the foie gras ice cream. BlazeHawk is very quiet, but then EvangelAss makes the suggestion that they should immediately make another batch, this time using some milk to smooth it out. This way, when the Judges switch restaurants, perhaps it will be better for the next round. Wait, are they allowed to do that mid-stream? This sounds a little fishy. Nevertheless, BlazeHawk says he cannot afford to just give up a course to SexPig, so he’s going to try to improve the dish for the next service. Out in the dining room, YouBear is saying Blazey did a great job, especially with the way the dishes all built up and built up… but maybe they built up a little too high for that dessert. Ruh-roh.

Back over at JIZZ, Pigshit’s riding high on self-delusion, saying he believes he put out “four perfect courses for the Judges” and he knows he’ll do the same for the next round when everybody switches places. You know, confidence is one thing, but calling yourself perfect is just plain megalomaniacal. And stupid. Out in his dining room, Daddy Tom is saying that the whole restaurant experience was very good overall, with the exception of the long wait-time between the first and second courses. He does not mention the lame-ass dessert of fruit cocktail. And now it’s time for them all to switch.

The vignette tonight is nothing more than a montage of BlazeHawk’s and Pigshit’s sous-chefs saying how awesome they both are and how much they deserve to be here in this Finale show that we’re watching right now. Well, everybody says that except for Spike EvangelAss, whose canned “Blazey is crazy-great” speech is curiously missing. Hmmmm. Let’s ponder that as we head back to commercial…

the way Miss Elia is lurking has me seriously frightened

Look how well Turdle cleans up! And wakes up! Or maybe she’s looking alert for a change because Miss Elia just shanked her. And speaking of shanking things…

look, I know this is immature, but I have grown to hate every single one of this show’s sponsors

The switch is complete, and Scar, Tight-Ass, YouBear, MeeMaw and Boozehound have all been seated at JIZZ and presented with his “perfect” beet salad course. Scar says she’s never had chocolate vinaigrette before, and Tight-Ass calls it clever. MeeMaw says he is reaching out in the Italian tradition, whatever that means. They move on to the fish course, and Billy Boozehound says it’s cooked very well. Tight-Ass says it’s very different stylistically and shows a lot more finesse than the salad. Pigshit says he’s feeling awesome right now, and I’m wondering if I’m going to have to stab myself out of pure agony in the next ten minutes.

Over at Tongue Up Asscheeks, BlazeHawk greets Daddy Tom, Gail, Not-So-Big Gay Art and Stone Fox and then presents them with his unnecessary amuse-bouche. Daddy likes the frozen crème fraîche molecules as well as the chilled oyster itself. When they move on to his first real course (the hamachi) Daddy says it has beautiful textures and nice flavors, and when this is quickly followed by his second course (the pork belly and marrow) Not-So-Big Gay Art says Blazey must have “the Dream Team” working with him back there.

Bouncing back to JIZZ, they’re up to his third course, the pork shoulder, Tight-Ass says it’s brilliant, but nobody is screaming “PEPPERONI SAUCE” over and over again, so I’m not sure if he really means that. This group does not seem to be so turned off by his flan’n'fruit dessert, Billy Boozehound thinks it showcases SexPig’s DEAD GRANDMOTHERS’ influence on his cooking (as opposed to Blazey’s foie gras crap, which was influenced by vomit), and YouBear thinks the style of it was the perfect fit for this menu.

Then we whiplash back to Tongue Up Asscheeks again, they are eating BlazeHawk’s third course, the short ribs, which Daddy Tom says are perfectly cooked and nicely glazed (HA! SexPig isn’t the only one who listened to Daddy’s bitching!) and Gail says the dish is so strong and delicious that it really “wakes you up”…

well, in most cases

This time around they’ve gotten a much creamier consistency on the foie gras ice cream, and Not-So-Big Gay Art says he was skeptical of it at first, but it’s very subtle and he thinks Blazey pulled it off. Daddy Tom says the entire menu is really nicely balanced. But he’s frowning when he says it, so maybe he hates balance? I can’t tell any more, they are working so hard to try and make this thing look like anything but a landslide. With that, dinner is over and it’s time for Judges’ Table…

In the Stew Lounge, Pigshit’s playing it like he has zero fears about losing, and this seems to be getting to BlazeHawk a little bit. And then they are headed in to stand before the panel this one last time, where Scar tells them they both did great, and Daddy Tom claims it’s the best food they’ve ever had in any Finale evahhhhh. Then we get some more of these weird lame-ass questions… for example, Scar to SexPig: “Was this season harder than your first one?” Answer: “Yes. Duh.”… Daddy Tom to BlazeHawk: “What are you thinking about 5 minutes before service starts?” Answer: “Tasting my food. And vomiting.” Then he says he’s only “a sentence or two away from absolute emotional breakdown”…

and I, for one, believe him

Who is writing this shit? I have been watching this show since the start and I cannot remember the Judges ever being so banal and vapid in their questioning before! Maybe I’m just tired, it is 2:45am. Anyhow, after yet another exchange where they praise one chef (while the other one looks worried/pissed) and then they each get reamed a little for their desserts kinda sucking, and then they each tell why they think their restaurant was the best, I’m looking at the clock and wondering if we are ever gonna fucking find out who the winner is. Plus, both of them are on the verge of faux-tears and I’m getting sick to my considerable stomach. So of course they send them back to the Stew Lounge again.

BlazeHawk says there’s a lot of heavy petting of SexPig going on, and now I might actually hurl. This seems to both Pigshit, and he claims if they throw the desserts out, BlazeHawk won the first round, he won the third round, and the second round could go to either one. Then Blazey brings up the fact that his unnecessary (yet fabulous) amuse-bouche might be a tie-breaker…

oh HO, didn’t think about that one, didja SexPig!

Sweet soul music to my ears is to hear Sexist Pigshit admit that if BlazeHawk wins he’s going to feel like shit. Then BlazeHawk says if he wins, he will give some money to SexPig to help start up his new restaurant Graffiato. Naturally, SexPig says he’ll take it, which, I would too. Of course, Blazey could mean he’ll give him a quarter or something dickish like that, which would be funny.

Then they hear people approaching and it turns out to be…

*gasp* BlazeHawk’s secret daddybear boyfriend?

KIDDING! That’s his Uncle Scott, who is here representing the rest of the BlazeHawk Clan (because BlazeWife is far too pregnant to travel now). As for Sexist Pigshit, his visitors include Mama Isabella, Sister Jerseybella… and Mrs. SexPig…

who actually looks pretty and sweet and kind

If she looks a little bit tired, it’s because this a woman who is forced to clean up after the 36-year-old little boy she married. This is great, now they will have an actual audience for their success/failure.

Back at the Judges’ Table, Scar says BlazeHawk’s oyster dish was beautiful, and Daddy Tom says the First Course went straight to his column, his hamachi beat the crap out of Sexist Pigshit’s stupid choco-cheese salad. As for the Second Course, Scar reminds Daddy Tom that he said Pigshit’s fish was the best he’d ever eaten on Top Chef… and Daddy replies “I tasted that before I tasted Richard’s…” Sooooo, I guess the Second Course goes to Blazey as well, then? They aren’t clear.

For the Third Course, Gail says nothing about BlazeHawk’s short ribs really wowed her and then she screams “PEPPERONI SAUCE” some more, and I wish I could beat her with a big pepperoni right about now, cuz I’m sick of hearing about that shit. I take it this means the Third Course is SexPig’s. Finally they come to the Fourth Course and DJ YouBear says if he had to order another helping of either dessert, he and Scar’d take Pigshit’s, but Gail and Daddy Tom liked Blazey’s, but maybe that’s only because they had better foie gras ice cream on theirs. Sooooo, I guess the Fourth Course goes to SexPig also? JUST TELL US WHO FUCKING WON ALREADY!!!!!! But first, another commercial…

guess who’s drunk off his gay ass already?

There’s gay head-cock #1! Anyhow, I can’t believe it, after sixteen fucking weeks, the Moment Of Whatever Truth has arrived… Sexist Pigshit and BlazeHawk return to Judges’ Table, amid the half-hearted cheers of the Eliminated All-Stars. After some more bullshit build-up from Daddy Tom about how awesome they both are, and how they will both have great careers, we finally get to hear Scar say…

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

HAHAHA, I wouldn’t blame her, this has been the longest Finale ever… no, what she finally really says is…

what makes this picture so fucking delicious

Yes, she said the words: “Richard… you are Top Chef.”…

and BlazeHawk brings his best blowjobface ever

Surprisingly, Sexist Pigshit proves himself to have suddenly become a very gracious and polite runner-up…

if by “gracious and polite” we mean “murderously eye-rolling”

He really does look absolutely pissed, and I must say, I expected nothing less from him, because all his talky-talk about how much he’s grown and matured was bullshit from the get-go. It does frighten me a little to see Mrs. SexPig rushing over to his side to begin soothing him, and I wonder what kind of awful crap she has to put up with from him besides his inability to pick up after himself. And still, even after it’s all been decided, the Pigshit Delusion Train™ keeps chugging along, because even though he admits that it hurts for him to lose, he says “I feel like I beat him, I just didn’t get the prize.”

yeah, and you didn’t beat him, either

Of course, on the other side of the douche-coin we still have BlazeHawk, who even in victory manages to annoy as he’s spouting clichés and claiming that he “willed this” to happen…

we would like for him to “will” his mouth shut for a change

Then he calls the icy BlazeWife on his cell to tell her he won…

and she responds by demanding he bring her some sauerkraut fudge and refusing to ever fuck him again

Well, there we have it, it’s finally over, and the Top Chef: All-Stars has been crowned… but wait, there’s more! We still have Andy Bobblehead Cohen in New York City, Scar in L.A. and Gail in Chicago and they’re all partying it up on Watch Us Sound Like Idiots Live!…

oh. fuck. me.

I don’t know if I have the strength to put up with Bobblehead for a full half-hour, but I will try. First off, he introduces the new Top Chef, Mr. Blazey-BlazeHawk…

who is still sporting ridiculous bedhead

And here’s the First Loser, Mr. Sexist Pigshit…

who is slurring and completely hammered

The first order of business is to relive BlazeHawk’s winning moment that we just saw 3 minutes ago. Glad I tuned in for this. Although, it is slightly delicious to watch SexPig lose and look mad and roll his eyes all over again. Ha ha. Then Bobblehead rubs salt in his wounds by bringing up his whole “missing his honeymoon and quitting his job” thing again (like we’re all supposed to care) and I kid you not, Pigshit is so fucking drunk that he just stumbles and stammers and slurs before letting loose with a seven-or-eight word string of swears that gets bleeped…

seriously, this is about as much sense as he was making

Then he says a bunch of nearly unintelligible crap about how BlazeHawk helped so many people (including himself) but he never quite brings up that incident where he stole Blazey’s idea for Chicken Oysters. Ah, maybe Bobblehead will bring it up at the Reunion.

Speaking of Bobblehead, he’s none-too-steady himself as he appears a little bloodshot of eye and flubby of speech as we find out tonight’s poll question is “Did the right person win Top Chef?” Duh. Even better, the entire time he’s talking, SexPig doesn’t shut up, he just keeps giggling loudly and yapping at Blazey. Hey, is anybody interested in what three things Booblehead is obsessing about right at this moment? Me either, but he’s going to tell us anyhow. Number one is how he didn’t realize that spying was part of running a restaurant, and cues the lame montage of EvangelAss’ clumsy and obvious loiterings. Yawn. Yes, Spike is a terrible spy who literally wore a fedora while doing it. Zzzzzz…

gay head-cock #2 (the radio remix)

Number two thing Bubblehead is obsessed with, Gail and Scar chowing down on food from the craft services table right after having eaten Pigshit and BlazeHawk’s super-amazing meals…

well, who doesn’t love having more wieners after being served by a couple of dicks?

Oh come on, it’s late, I’m tired and running out of synonyms for “asshole”! Besides, that was a zillion times better than Booblehead, who trips over the punch line of his own lame-ass joke (something about watching Scar and Gail eat bacon and wieners is prolly “one really weird guy’s fetish“) and it lands with a leaden thud into studio silence…

um, “shitty TV shows” is right, this is embarrassing

Number three is actually semi-interesting, because it’s a preview of the most uncomfortable fight in next week’s reunion between Miss Elia and Daddy Tom. There is a lot of eye-rolling from the other chefs and we will tackle that later. Right now, Miss Andy has another leaden balloon to toss out… “I can’t remember what dish Elia got cut for in the first week… was it SOUR GRAPES???!?!??!?!“…

gay head-cock #427 (the catty remix)

He follows that unfunny little snipe with a bitchy and insincere “Just kidding!” There is a lot of booing coming from the studio audience, and Boobbullhead tries to move on, but you can hear someone screaming shit out in the background, and finally he acknowledges that it’s Bitter Jen that he has apparently offended and makes another insincere on-air apology to Miss Elia. Wow, I can’t believe how downright unlikable he is being tonight, and that’s really saying something when you’re sitting on a small stage with BlazeHawk and Sexist Pigshit (who is, BTW, trying to answer one of Bubbahead’s incisive questions at this very moment)…

grakkle stippo borffubbie klibbitikkum skankaroni thasanfurriscotreed

Now Bibblehead brings up BlazeHawk’s Stew Lounge promise to give SexPig some cash from his winnings and wants to know where they are with that right now. Blazey gets very evasive and says they’ve discussed his investing in Graffiato, but all the shares have already been bought, so he’s possibly going to put up some cash for the next restaurant. Nice, I guess that’s a backhanded way of saying “I’ll throw money down the drain on your next failed project.”?…

I am not wrong. you’re both dicks.

After a commercial break (with an absolutely delicious ad that isn’t from Swanson, Toyota or Buitoni) Babblehead asks the Dickboyz for their predictions on Fan Favorite. BlazeHawk thinks it’s between FahBeeOh and Beaker, while Pigshit stays true to his idiotic form and guesses FahBeeOh and… Bitter Jen??!??! I’m guessing he’s too drunk right now to remember her classless exodus from Episode Two, and while I always thought she was talented, seeing her be so incredibly bitchy at Judges’ Table, combined with her Exit Rant™ did a lot to change my opinion of her from one of like and respect into one of meh and For-God’s-Sake-Get-On-Some-Celexa-Girlfriend!

Let’s take a question from a fan standing next to Scar in L.A.! Natasha wants to know which challenge gave SexPig and BlazeHawk the most nightmares? Blazey says people having to watch his pasty ass bobbing for conch certainly gave America nightmares (he’s right) and for him the Target Challenge was the toughest. Pigshit slurs his nightmare was Restaurant Wars and having Marcel TurkeyHair be “his” chef (um, it was the other way around you drunkass dipshit). Ahh, so if we were wondering whether or not SexPig’s holding a grudge over something that happened almost two months ago… he is.

Next, slutty-looking Jessica from the New York City live audience wants to know who BlazeHawk thought should have been sent home sooner than they actually were…

what a bitch!

BlazeHawk deftly deflects this question to Sexist Pigshit, who is definitely drunk enough to answer honestly, he thinks OranJello and Dung v2.0 should have made it further and ChesTiffany “or someone” (he prolly means Beaker) should have gone home earlier. Nice. There’s that “growth” and “maturity” he was referring to earlier on. Hey, by the way, are y’all ready to go eat at Graffiato’s and put some more cash in this bugfucker’s pockets?

Naturally the studio erupts at his boorish proclamation, and we hear more screaming and yelling (and breaking glass!) that clearly belongs to Bitter Jen. BabboonHead is looking a little worried. He should be. In any case, we’re FINALLY about to get what we came here for, the announcement of Fan Favorite, and it’s been narrowed down to FahBeeOh in L.A. and Beaker in Chicago…

guess which one thinks they have an actual shot at winning… and which one is ready to be all pissy about losing?

Seriously, the Fabster didn’t crack a smile even once while he was on camera. Bibhead reminds us that FahBeeOh actually beat Beaker for Fan Favorite during their season, which seems completely insane to me, but then again, he’s had far more time to rub everybody the wrong way since then. As a special surprise, BoBohead brings out the very first Top Chef… the Kelly Clarkson of this series, Mr. Harold Dieterle…

our lives would suck withoooout yooooooou

Honestly, I dunno how he does it, but Harold always manages to rise above the stupidity and cheesiness that this show always tries to put in his way, he never loses his cool (or his Eddie Munster hairline) and just stays calm and professional all around. ANYHOW, he’s also the one to give us the best piece of news tonight, that BEAKER WON FAN FAVORITE!!!!!! She is super-cute and bubbly about it…

and sends shout-outs to spirit-guides Ronda and Juanita

while poor clueless FahBeeOh is about to be devoured by cougars

gay head-cock #6,395 (the “sorry you blew $10K by being a huge dick” remix)

Beaker says she’s going to put her $10,000.00 prize into her petite cookie business, which I’m sure will be taking off shortly. And there really isn’t much else to say about this trainwreck of a special, other than to mention the jaw-dropping claim by Sexist Pigshit that he worked with a personal trainer for five days a week between the time they left New York City and when he arrived in this tip-top shape in the Bahamas…

dude, get a refund

He’s so drunk right now, he’s probably leaving out the fact that he worked out for five days total in all that time. Booboohead is also pretty fucking blitzed, because he actually says (in all sincerity) that there were “no jackholes” during this season of Top Chef…

yes, I made this face, too

I guess he’s too drunk to notice that there are two sitting about three and six feet away from him, respectively. Instead Boogerhead gives the “Jackhole of the Week” award to the Bronx Zoo’s escaped cobra… and then he goes on an extremely long (and completely unfunny) anti-cobra rant that just gets more and more uncomfortably awkward the longer it’s allowed to continue (I mean, really, how many times can you say “You’re 20 inches!” and get zero applause before you give up trying to make that joke work?). Finally (and mercifully) we get the answer to the poll question…

which is another giant DUH

And now there we actually have it! What did you guys think of this Finale (or this entire season for that matter)? Do you think Sexist Pigshit deserved to win instead of BlazeHawk? Do you believe his sudden (and amazing) transformation as a chef? Do you think he’s blaming Turdle, Bitchani and Beaker for his loss as we speak? Can you believe what a jerky sore loser FahBeeOh looked like? And wow, was Bobblehead Andy a dick on WWHL or what? I love how he never asks any of the fucking Housewives the serious questions that everybody really wants answers to… or if he does ask them, it’s a total softball and he never presses for details… and yet it appears like he’s going after Miss Elia in the Reunion Special with utter ferocity. I think he’s kind of a hypocritical asshat this week. And a total jackhole.

Thanks again for all of your great comments this season, you guys have made all the sleepless nights completely worthwhile. I am going to rest up and get ready for the Reunion Special and then I’ll be taking a break while Top Chef Masters rolls around. Now, let’s discuss some dickbaggery!

love, J-Mo