Top Chef: Fish And Chix

Arrrrggghhhreetings fellow landlubbers! Are ye ready fer a day out at sea? To be a-smellin’ the salty brine of the wild, wild ocean? To feel the spray and swellin’ o’ the mighty waves? To hear the cryin’ sounds of yonder seagulls o’er the gentle crash of the tides?…

to hold yer gorge while bein’ forced t’do somethin’ disgusting in Sexist Pigshit’s crotch?

I knew there was a catch, but this show is nothing if not consistent. You can’t have something good without being forced to take in something truly awful at the same time. Me, I’m not such a big fan of the ocean. I know that the water it holds is important to all life on the planet, it provides us all with food and weather, and that there are lots of cute and helpful and funny little sea creatures who live there inside giant pineapples…

and have harnessed the power of Ultimate Jazz-Hands™

At the same time, the ocean can also be a very harsh, dangerous and frightening place of unimaginable power and strangely cold fury…

shittiest day at sea ever

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Welcome to tonight’s episode of Top Chef, where we will all have a lovely time in the sunshine enjoying nature and each other’s company before it all goes to shit later on under pressure to perform. But first (as Julie ChenBot likes to say) lets head back to the immediate aftermath of last week’s Foo Foo Flameout™…

or just plain lameout if you prefer

Everyone is sitting around trying not to glare at Turdle, who has squidgied her way through yet another elimination round because someone else made a shittier dish than she did. Well, most everyone’s trying not to glare…

but Season Seven just don’t give a fuck

Turdle makes it a skillion times worse by loudly proclaiming how Bunny Foo Foo had a “lotta balls” for making chicken-feet and saying how impressive that was. Oh, how I wish that Bunny Foo Foo had suddenly flown out at her from behind a big stack of Buitoni Boxes, screeching and tearing half of Turdle’s face off with her nails, because that shit right there is just fucking insulting as hell. It is not impressive or ballsy to choose to make a dish that you’re not familiar with and have no idea how to cook properly, it’s just stupid. Turdle making loud proclamations of it’s awesomeness is only serving to highlight both her overwhelming relief over not being sent home, and her insulting lack of respect for Foo Foo as a chef.

Privately she admits she fully expected to hear her name called to pack her knives, and expresses sympathy for Bunny: “Sucks for her, I feel bad…” Turdle says, sounding anything but sorry, “but at the same time, it’s like whatever…”

“you bitches are stuck with my lazebian ass for another week…”

One would truly hope that she is seeing this show now and regretting how much of an awful bitch she comes off as. Or else she will pull a Camille Grammer and blame the editing. And truth be told, I think the “whatever” comment above might have been edited in from another interview and be unrelated to Turdle’s supposed bad feelings about Foo Foo’s departure, but her constant blasé attitude about anything and everything this season is something that simply cannot be blamed on editing, because it has been all-too-obvious from the get-go. In any case, LowFatSo is quick to jump up and defend Foo Foo, saying that Bunny “attacked the challenge” and wasn’t just gonna “put up a dumpling” and call it a day, which is a nice sharp little backhand at Turdle (who completely misses that she was just dissed).

You know who else missed it? Fucking TurkeyHair, and that’s because he doesn’t give a shit about Foo Foo getting sent home, he’s mad at Dung v2.0 for winning for saying that everybody sucked at dim sum, “Not all of us failed the fucking challenge… don’t bust my balls about not putting food out.” Apparently, Turkey claims that Dung v2.0 told him he himself only made 8 good portions of his dishes for the judges, and that was it. Dung tells us TurkeyHair just be hatin’ on him and invites him (in interview) to count the plates he put out, which easy to say after the challenge is over. Seriously, these two would be funnier if they weren’t so tiresome…

welcome to Clash Of The Shortans™

Back at the Brooklyn Loft, the girls smartly decide to go to sleep (engaging in a cute Waltons-like chorus of good-nights before turning out the lights) but it looks like Lunch Tray, TurkeyHair and Dung v2.0 decide to stay up on the roof and get hammered. Thing is, when TurkeyHair gets shitfaced, he starts to think he’s the reincarnation of Eazy-E or Tupac (or possibly a short, non-lethal combination of both) because he starts making air-DJ’ing moves, aggressive broken-wristed w’sup gestures and affecting a faux-Ebonic accent…

much to the silent unsmiling amusement of the actual black people in the area

What’s even weirder about this whole exchange is that TurkeyHair isn’t even looking at Dung v2.0 the whole time he’s rappin’ talking to him, it’s almost like he’s performing for some unseen imaginary audience at a Turk-Eez hip-hop concert going on. In his head. Upping the douche-factor is Dung v2.0, who tells us TurkeyHair is lucky he took anger-management training or else he claims he was about to have talked some more shit behind his back in his interviews beaten the shit out of him…

hemorrhoid rage

Whose side is Lunch Tray on? Welllll, he has an interesting comment: “I definitely have noticed throughout the weeks that we’ve been here that Marcel is kind of an asshole.” AMEN, Lunch Tray! Naturally, TurkeyHair now claims to E-online that this comment is just more wonky word-editing from the Magical Elves, and that in real life Lunch Tray really thinks he’s a dope-ass muthafuckin’ gangsta.

Well, at 4:30am alarms start going off and people start getting up. This is a wretched, wretched hour to have to awaken… I should know, I used to work a shift that required me to get up at 4am, and I would curse the rest of the sleeping world as I groggily drove in to work. It’s unclear if this is supposed to be their normal waking time, or if the producers are the ones who set the alarms in the Loft, but people start dragging their asses out of bed. I’m sure Dung v2.0 and TurkeyHair probably feel slightly less refreshed than the others.

They all arrive to find a completely empty Top Chef Kitchen and a note from Scar and Daddy Tom…

anybody else think it was “Mont Auk”?

This is helpfully placed next to a giant fake-wood sign that says “GONE FISHIN’” and accompanied by a map of Lowong Oylund showing them how to get to the very far-Eastern tip. It takes a few minutes for the chefs’ sleep-deprived brains to put these clues together, but finally they realize they’re, you know, going fishing. Then BlazeHawk, sounding completely natural and unrehearsed for product-placement, says they all jump in their TOYOTA SIENNAS and head out…

dude, I know you won a Corolla and everything, but please, that was embarrassing

I dunno who got stuck driving on this little road trip, but it becomes instantly clear that all of the passengers revert to napping on the ride out there. Eventually they reach the Montauk Point Lighthouse and find Daddy Tom and Scar waiting for them…

with a cooler full of brewskis?

Don’t let anyone tell you differently… beer in the morning is fun. ANYhow, after Scar welcomes them and Daddy Tom confirms that yes, they are going fishing, they find out there will be NO QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE today! I would have been happy-dancing my fat ass all over the place if I were them, but since most of them still only have one eye open, they’re kinda like woo *yawn* hoo. Scar says their Elimination Challenge is going to be very simple (so even Sexist Pigshit should be able to understand it): they have five hours to catch as many fish as they can to make into a dish that they’re going to cook for 200 people at a beach party. Everybody’s getting a little more excited, right up until the point where Daddy Tom ruins everything by saying they’re going to be working in four teams of three…

guess whose Challenge-Boner just wilted

Yeah, BlazeHawk no likey team challenges, especially after the previous day’s Chinese clusterfuck. Nevertheless, Scar walks around with a bag of big rubber fishing lures (with numbers attached) for everyone to draw for teams. Naturally, this turns out completely awful in some cases:

Team One: Lunch Tray, Beaker and Dung v2.0 (Team Asian Oreo)
Team Two: OranJello, ChesTiffany and Sexist Pigshit (Team CitrusTits & Ass)
Team Three: LowFatSo, Bitchani and Turdle (Team PMS)
Team Four: FahBeeOh, BlazeHawk and TurkeyHair (Team Stupid Hair)

Naturally, Dung v2.0 is quick to rejoice that he is not stuck with TurkeyHair, mainly because it’s “hard to work with that guy.” Come ON, Dungy, you know you’re just pissed off because he does a more believable gangsta lean than you do. Besides, you could have wound up in LowFatSo’s shoes, she’s basically back on the same team that sucked from the Night at the Museum Challenge…

sorry, LowFatSo, but Jesus can’t help you now

And just when you think it couldn’t get any suckier… Daddy Tom casually mentions that there will be a DOUBLE-ELIMINATION going down at Judges’ Table, so have a great time out there fishing, K kids?…

yay fishing

So it turns out that Team Asian Oreo there, and Team PMS are going to head out on the Sea Wife 4 (ah, this boat must be owned by Kelsey Grammer) while Team Citrus T&A and Team Stupid Hair will be riding on the Susie E II. As they prepare to board the boats, OranJello tells us that he actually hates the water, “I watched Jaws too many times, and it really got into my head.”…

seeing this is helpful, too

He starts nervously spouting off a lot of facts about how sharks can smell a drop of blood up to two miles away, and “I don’t even go in the pool because of this whole shark thing, that’s how affected my mind is!”…

fear not, Citrus One, there is a much meatier (and infinitely slower-moving) meal lolling on the deck right next to you

As they head out, FahBeeOh starts spouting a bunch of his usual (heavily accented) boolsheet about how heez dod hazz bee forra wile anda nashanull feesheeng teem een Eedullee, “Hee give-uh mee heez passhone forruh feesh!” BlazeHawk is super-impressed with the FabSter’s constant stream of crap and now believes that they have a stronger team that the ladies over on Sea Hag 4.

Right now, Team Asian Oreo and Team PMS are learning from their on-board fisherman the correct way to wack the pole into the water…

get a low grip on the big shaft apparently

FisherBear there is telling them not to pay any attention to how the people on the other boats are doing the pole-whack, “Do it the way we do it!’ seems to be his best advice. Hopefully they will follow that, because Dung v2.0 says he’s got some fishing experience from his years growing up with Daddy Dung…

see? he wasn’t always an angry black man

How much you wanna bet he’s that same height today? Anyhow, Dung v2.0 really wants to kick ass and make his dad proud. Ok, well, stopping the whole I-am-a-short-tempered-mean-little-bad-ass routine would probably be a good start. The next step would be for him to remove the word “yo” from his lexicon. What? I’m trying to help!

Beaker seems a little nervous while talking to Lunch Tray, “I’ve been on a fishing boat several times, but I haven’t, like, held the rod…” In the awkward silence that follows her little confession she realizes what she said and tries to paste on a winning grin, but that only makes things more uncomfortable…

does her smile say:
a) “Isn’t it lovely weather we’re having today?” or
b) “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” or
c) “Wanna let me practice my rod-holding on you?”

Oh Beaker, we love you no matter what ditzy weirdisms may come out of your mouth. Unlike Turdle, who’s sitting and claims to be hoping to catch a fish that’s half as big as she is, which would be difficult for her since fishing requires you to, you know, stand up. And breathe. At the same time.

Well, perhaps Dung v2.0 hasn’t lost his touch after all, because almost immediately he gets a bite and reels in a good-sized striped bass. He thinks this is putting fear in the faces of Team PMS because he’s got a fish and they don’t. They’re not likely to with LowFatSo on the pole, because she does that annoying “Heeeere, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie, fishie” thing in a squealy high-pitched voice that is sure to drive any local sea-life right out into the open Atlantic…

or right off the planet entirely

After about an hour at it LowFatSo suddenly catches a fish, and it’s a good-sized one, too…

clearly it was suicidal after being called “fishie” 12,873 times in a row

She’s really excited that she’s the first one on Team PMS to catch a fish, and starts screaming full-on like a sugar-hyped tween at a Jonas Brothers concert. I’m happy for her, it is a great feeling to catch your own fish, but I’m also a little sad that Mr. FisherBear didn’t accidentally knock her ass overboard for screeching so annoyingly right in his (and by extension our) ear. Especially when Beaker, Bitchani and Turdle start doing a booty-dance to the tune of “An-toe-knee-UH! An-toe-knee-UH! An-toe-knee-UH!”…

oh sure, Turdle can get her ass up in gear for shit like this

Lunch Tray is next to catch another good-sized fish, followed by Dung v2.0, Bitchani, and Lunch Tray again, and now Team Asian Oreo is having such a blast at sea that Beaker lets out her tribal ululation over the waves…

and again, you’re all welcome for the eye-candy shot of Lunch Tray’s massive guns and pecs

Meanwhile, over on the Susie E. II with Teams Citrus T&A and Stupid Hair, two hours of their allotted five have gone by, and not a single bite has come their way…

it doesn’t help when Sexist Pigshit is hogging the fishing rods

They pass by the Sea Wife and ChesTiffany calls out to Beaker to find out how many fish they’ve got (hoping the answer is also a big fat zero). The Susie E. II’s spirits are further deflated when they hear her jubilantly call out that they’ve got five big striped bass and bluefish. As they pass by, the Team PMSers also notice that Sexist Pigshit seems to be doing the masturbating of the pole all wrong (leave it to him to fuck that shit up). Let’s go to commercial!…

yes, lady, we’re all aware of what a mouthy little asshole you’ve spawned, and we wish he would shut up, too

If they really wanted us to buy a Toyota Highlander, they’d sell it with seats that come with Automatic Child Gag™ as a standard feature. Anyhow, back to the show, 2½ hours are gone now, and still no fish for Team Stupid Hair or T&A, while Team PMS and Asian Oreo continue to reel ‘em in, high-fiving each other the entire way and just generally having a great time. BlazeHawk is just at an utter loss to explain what it is they might be doing wrong here…

especially when he’s styled like a fishing lure

Now THREE fishless hours have passed, and this is looking baaaaad for these guys! Ahhhh, but wait! Looks like after hogging the pole for three hours, Sexist Pigshit finally has a nibble, and FahBeeOh is also wrestling with one, and with that, their curse is broken, and they begin to catch some fish. Eventually everyone, including BlazeHawk, TurkeyHair, OranJello and ChesTiffany get one pulled in. It’s at this point (while Pigshit and The Citrus One are helping ChesTiffany reel one in) that Sexist looks at ChesTiffany’s hands making their up-and-down motion towards his crotch and he yells “How’s your husband gonna feel about this?”…

that would have been my cue for my hands to “slip” and “accidentally” nut-punch him

Everyone on the boat cracks up, and at the time ChesTiff’s too busy working that reel to do anything more than grunt a response, but privately she calls Pigshit a “dog” and says he can be very disrespectful. I gotta say, I think she’s being just a smidge oversensitive and should can her little Scandalized-Married-Woman Routine™. Besides, Pigshit’s married, too, so the smart comeback would have been “How’s your wife going to feel about it?” I mean, besides relieved that she didn’t have to jack his junk for a change.

Meanwhile, Team Stupid Hair is also doing that weird group-reeling thing, and BlazeHawk says he’s not really proud of it because it involves “sitting in Marcel’s lap holding his rod…”

oh please, don’t tell me TurkeyHair isn’t loving the fantasy of having a “rod” big enough for three people to hold onto with both hands

Dream on little man. And speaking of little men, it looks like Dung v2.0 has been wrestling with a monster-sized striped bass that he claims is about the same size as TurkeyHair… “it kinda has the same anatomy… a really big head and then a little body, like a little bobblehead doll…” I dunno if I agree with that exactly, I’m seeing a creature with a big mouth and flabby white belly, it’s slimy and scaly and smelly…

looks more like Sexist Pigshit to me

In any case, their fishing time is up, and on the way back in, Team Stupid Hair is starting their menu planning. TurkeyHair is insisting that they make only one dish with “multiple components”. BlazeHawk doesn’t look like he’s too keen on this idea, but he says the key to managing TurkeyHair is to let him think he’s the one in charge of all the ideas. FahBeeOh tentatively raises the question (and rightfully so) of what happens if they only have one dish and something goes wrong. TurkeyHair pooh-poohs this, saying (and you must remember this later on) that “Simplicity is a sign of perfection”.

Immediately FahBeeOh is on board with this, not because I think he truly believes they are going to come up with a simple, perfect dish, but because he claims if they wind up onda boddum eet weel bee e-hard-uh forda judgez dezided whoo zend home among-uh dem… “Dees eez zychologeecole warfaer!”

no, it’s setting yourself up for a 2 in 3 chance of going home, cheekensheet

Seriously, I think that idea sounds like a cop-out from the get-go. We’ll see how that plays out later on, though. Next up, they’re given $150 and 30 minutes to shop at a local farmer’s market for vegetables and other things, and OranJello is so in love with the selection that he claims the market is dictating the dish itself. The funnest thing that happens here is that Sexist Pigshit gives The Citrus One a piece of super-spicy pepper to eat, and then OranJello beats him in the balls with a cucumber…

ha ha

That? Was. LOVELY. Not quite as lovely (although they certainly think it is) is watching the new love developing between BlazeHawk and FahBeeOh. So let’s skip that and see what Beaker is up to. She’s telling us that bluefish is considered a “trashy” fish, it’s oily and kinda skanky (and it likes to wear fishnets a lot, ha ha, sorry, I literally could not resist that one) and naturally she caught two of those, so she’s really hoping she can shine them up real good and give them a little class.

Meanwhile Team PMS is gathering their ingredients and Turdle’s making a lot of noise about how amazing it is that this challenge is all about “using what’s around you” and “going back to basics” and claims she’s really excited about it. Which means both eyes are fully open for once. Bitchani flat-out tells us she thinks Turdle’s the weak one on Team PMS, and that she’s making sure to keep a little distance between them, which is very smart cuz you never know when Turdle will get the bright idea to start cutting off other people’s fingers!

The next afternoon (it must be afternoon based on the angle of the sun, which already appears to be well on it’s way to setting behind the Manhattan Skyline) they chefs arrive at a place called Water Taxi Beach, which looooks like it might be part of Queens? Being a complete NYC virgin, I’m a little hazy on the whole borough thing. In any case, they have two hours to cook before their 200 guests show up to eat. It looks like nice clean place, and they appear to have beautiful sunny weather, a real peach of a day (what’s left of it, anyhow)… except Turdle is just bitch-bitch-bitchety-bitching up a storm about having sand in her shoes, the sun is on her face, her cucumber is dripping on her…

good thing she’s unaware of the 11 other people struggling with their urge to stab her or she might really complain

Lunch Tray says working with Turdle is like “having a little baby in the background” Except normally you don’t want to punch a baby in the mouth. Naturally, when Turdle runs out of things to complain about, she’s quick to tell us that she feels the “team aspect” of the challenge is “less important” because “people are always gonna be out for themselves“. She’s right, they might do such things as a) pretend to be hurt or b) refuse to present their shitty food or c) make a scallop dish or d) make a soup or e) make a scallop soup or f) suck at being human. Any number of these selfish things could happen at any time. In any case, Turdle points out they are all taking responsibility for their own dishes. I suspect that the other members of Team PMS are just fine with that.

Eh fuck her, let’s go back to hanging out with Beaker and Ronda and Juanita. Beaker is butchering her trashy bluefish to put in a lettuce-wrap, and mentions this is a tricky process because bluefish apparently has a very dark “bloodline” which she says needs to be removed or it will cause the fish to taste very bitter and fishlike. Ronda and Juanita are helping by making passes in the air with their invisible hands and muttering dark incantations designed to ward off the waves of bitterness wafting over from Team Stupid Hair.

Speaking of which, TurkeyHair says that they’ve decided to put FahBeeOh up front to plate and serve their dishes because he’s such an ass-kisser a baby-kisser. Also, they are sticking him with all of the shit-prep-work on their veggies for their ONE AMAZING DISH. “It’s kind of like a ‘Yes, chef’ sort of situation…” preens TurkeyHair, clearly enjoying having the Italian Scallion to boss around…

too bad it couldn’t be more of a ‘less gel’ sort of situation

Although, who knows, maybe Dippity-Do is one of the components of their dish. In any case, BlazeHawk is starting to think it might have been a mistake to just let TurkeyHair run with all the ideas, especially this whole brilliant “one dish only” idea. When Daddy Tom comes along to fuck with them and finds this out, he seems to think it’s pretty stupid as well, “Why only one dish?” TurkeyHair tries to justify it by saying they only caught one type of fish. Daddy is not convinced, especially when the three of them start babbling about all the myriad components they’re going to put in with it, including “jamon froth” which only serves to make Daddy look even more confused…

perhaps he thought they meant “jamon” in the Michael Jackson sense, i.e. “Jamon, you know it, I’m bad…”

Daddy’s last words to Team Stupid Hair before he leaves them are “Well, I guess you’re hanging on one dish.” Niiiice. Next he hits up Team Citrus Tits’N'Ass, and they are (wisely) making two dishes between the three of them. After Sexist Pigshit yammers awhile about how great shopping at a Farmer’s Market is, Daddy gets bored and moves on to Team Asian Oreo, where Dung v2.0 gets weepy-eyed about his “catch of a lifetime” (a.k.a. “A Fish Called Marcel”) and then stupidly mentions that he’s using store-bought tortillas for the fish tacos he’s making. From the weirdly horrified look on Daddy Tom’s face I guess that’s akin to using human skin (or premade puff pastry)! Anyhow, we don’t get to hear much about the dishes that Beaker and Lunch Tray are making, so thanks Dung, you used up all of Daddy’s face-time crying over catching a fish. Finally he joins Team PMS, who, like Team Asian Oreo, are making three separate dishes. All he does here is make a few cryptic comments to Bitchani about how quickly the flesh of bluefish can deteriorate because it’s so fatty. HEY, not all fatty things deteriorate fast like that!… I’m still holding on as best i can, just gently rotting away from day to day.

Back over at Team Stupid Hair, BlazeHawk is starting to take on some very Diana Ross-like overtones as he orders his Florence (FahBeeOh) Ballard around, micromanaging him to the point of stupidity, prompting the Fabster to give us one of his gem-like (yet mightily fractured) retorts: “Dood-uh. Shaddap. Yoo woan ged fostair dann eef yoo keep-uh oskeeng. I lohve heem too dayth bud deez guyz-a gonna gedda nat-attack eef hee dozzen peez heemsaylf offa leedle beet.”…

*translation*: “I am working as quickly as possible, and it hurts my feelings when I don’t feel like I am being treated as a valued member of the team.”

KIDDING! i have no fucking clue what he said there. In any case, as time is running out, BlazeHawk is starting to really panic, saying over and over again that they are in trouble, claiming their succotash doesn’t really taste like succotash to him because of TurkeyHair’s “heavy hand” having “overworked” it, and now the dish is suffering. Sorry, couldn’t resist that one, either.

Time is called, and the 200 hungry New Yorkers are unleashed upon the chefs, and ChesTiffany sweetly refers to them as “coming in like herd of cattle“…

dear New York: you’re all fat asses. love, Tiff

I find this kind of ironic coming from the woman with twin udders moored to her chest. In any case, FahBeeOh immediately goes into SmarmyMode™, welcoming every single vagina-carrying human to “Wodder Toxee Beech-uh” and barely stopping shy of trying to kiss everyone. Blech. Then the Judges show up, and Gail is exclaiming to Scar that she’s been to many parties here at the WodderToxeeBeechuh, and Scar is exclaiming back how nice it is. After Daddy Tom scores them some cocktails, they head over to Team Stupid Hair where he introduces tonight’s guest judge, Kerry Heffernan…

who is clearly competing with Scar for boob-size-supremacy

KIDDING! KerBear looks like a total sweetie. Who just happens to need a larger shirt size. I know his pain. Anyhow, KerBear is a fishing buddy of Daddy Tom’s and apparently knows a buttload about seafood in general. So let’s see the awesomely amazing and magical Team Stupid Hair Dish…

and guess who just couldn’t resist using SPIT FOAM?

His name rhymes with Perky Pear. Even weirder, now that the Judges are standing there watching the 27-step process required to plate this insane dish, BlazeHawk is claiming that he and TurkeyHair “sorta had the same idea at the same time” and that’s how they arrived at this conglomeration. FahBeeOh (for a change) just keeps quiet.

Next they move on to Team Asian Oreo and Dung v2.0′s fish tacos…

made with store bought tortiiiiiiillaaaaaasssss!

Then they pick up Beaker’s lettuce wrap, which she says is a “tribute to the New York Bagel”…

nobody mentions whether or not they were store bought baaaaagelllllls!

Finally they get to Lunch Tray’s dish…

which looks a little sandy

They split up so that Gail and Daddy go eat with some random people, and Scar and KerBear go compare chests eat somewhere else. Starting with Team Stupid Hair’s dish, Gail says the beans are just a tad overcooked and mushy. Scar says she’s not sure if the foam needs to be there, and KerBear agrees, saying Foam On The Beach sounds like a bad cocktail. To me it just sounds like pollution. Other Random Diners are saying they liked the succotash, but that it overpowered the fish. Sounds like a bottom-feeder of a dish to me!

Next they dig into Dung v2.0′s fish taco, and KerBear is liking how he put the fish right on top of everything so it’s properly highlighted, plus it has a nice texture. Some Gaysian guy starts gushing about how yummy they are, too. Gail thinks the smoke in Beaker’s fish is really nice, and KerBear is enjoying the accent from the dill and the pumpernickel croutons. Other Random Diners think her wraps were awesomely refreshing. KerBear also thinks Lunch Tray did a great job of cooking his fish, especially with the challenging “environment”. What, outside? That’s a challenge they all had!

Some challenges they didn’t all have is trying to cook their fish and having the skin keep sticking to the pan. Guess who that’s happening to?…

here’s an easy hint

You guessed it! Turdle’s having a helluva time trying to get a nice piece of fish to present to the Judges. Naturally they arrive at Team PMS’s table about three seconds later, and while Bitchani and LowFatSo warmly greet them, all Turdle can think of to say is “This is nerve-wracking!”…

*translation* “me no likey when you make me have to cook something!”

Well, did a little bit of sticky fish skin ruin her dish?…

a better question is: do we care?

I think I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the answer to that for most of you is probably a big fat NO. Turdle checked out on us all so long ago, I find myself hard-pressed to drum up much enthusiasm for whatever lame-ass thing she’s going to produce next. And BTW, you will not believe how proud she is of that bottle of homemade “cucumber water” that she doused her dish in. Ugh, let’s see how Bitchani’s dish turned out…

kinda looks like all the rest?

Seriously, these girls’ plates are all starting to look the same. And then we get to LowFatSo’s selection…

and it’s a sammich!!!

Plus she has mayo on there, too! I think I’m in love. Can Team Citrus Tits’N'Ass beat that with their dishes?…

that depends on whether you want soup #1 or soup #2

I dunno, let’s see what the Judges and Random Diners think. Well, Scar thinks their pickled bluefish and confit potato is nice. Random Diner likes the herbs, but thinks the taters are a little heavy. As for the striped bass dish, Daddy Tom says the fish is cooked well, but Gail thinks there are a lot of competing flavors in it.

Then, turning to Turdle’s dish, Gail lays out the question that’s been on all of our minds since the start of this season: “Jamie Lauren… let’s see what you’re made of!” After taking a couple of bites, Daddy Tom says she certainly didn’t season her fish much, and KerBear says her cucumber water is nice by itself, but when put in the context of the rest of it, “it’s water with water.” As for LowFatSo’s po’boy, he says it was really gutsy to use porgy fish in this way since it’s not considered to be very “noble”, and several Random Diners profess their turgid love for her open-faced, mayo-slathered sammich.

As for Bitchani’s bluefish, Scar says she wanted a little acidity in it (which would normally be provided by Gail), and KerBear says while he wanted to like it more, he found it a little crude and lacking elegance. Random Diner lady says bluefish is not something she would ever choose to bring home from the store, and then Random Diner Dude makes this face…

and at first I thought he had eaten Turdle’s dish

Ouch. I’m skerd for her now. Meanwhile, some of the Random Diners are up talking to the chefs as they serve, and more than one of them wants to be certain that the fish they’re eating was not caught in the nearby East River…

maybe this is what they’re afraid of?

That’s just silly, only McDonald’s would get their fish from such a polluted river. In any case, things are winding down at service and now Sexist Pigshit is trying to embarrass OranJello by calling out to pretty Random Diners telling them the Citrus One wants to meet them…

he’s even calling out to guys

OK, I will grudgingly admit, that was kinda cute. Slightly. Mostly Pigshit still just turns my stomach. And I was hoping OranJello would nail him another one in the balls with a cucumber…

seeing this is like sweet, sweet rain on the desert of my soul

As they’re cleaning up, Turdle is lying to the other members of Team PMS and claiming that a LOT of people were coming up to her saying how their table was the favorite. Well, I take that back, people may have actually said that, but they most likely were referring to LowFatSo’s po’boy sammich, not Turdle’s water-water mess. Meanwhile, Team Stupid Hair is having a private laugh (well, private in front of all of the Bravo viewership) over all the problems that Turdle had with her fish-skin tearing off and breaking apart. Turdle’s “privately” talking shit right back, though, telling LowFatSo and Bitchani that Team Stupid Hair’s dish had “a lot of flavor” for the bass. By which I’m sure she means “too much”, but considering how underseasoned her stuff was, it’s hard to say who is right.

Then she commits one of her patented Jaw-Dropping Sound-Bytes™ when she says: “If you’re a team and you do one dish, I think it’s really hard to distinguish who did what on the one dish… it’s sort of annoying to me, ‘cuz that almost feels like a little bit of a cop-out…”

guess which Queen Of The Cop-Outs wishes they had thought of it first?

She is such a piece of work. That is why it is extremely gratifying when Scar appears in the Stew Room and asks to see Team Asian Oreo and Team Citrus Tits’N'Ass. After they leave, TurkeyHair tries to say it doesn’t mean anything for those teams to be called first, it doesn’t mean they’re the favorites, but LowFatSo just looks him dead in the eye and says that Team Stupid Hair and Team PMS are on the bottom.

She’s right, cuz the others are the high-scorers of the night, and the winner gets a free trip to Amsterdam! After reviewing all the favorite dishes again, the chef that will get to smoke all the legal weed they want…

and be able to visit the male red light districts

Yes, Miss Beaker scores herself a second Elimination win, boosting all of our confidence in her ability to make the Finals, and she looks cute doing her little happy dance. In fact, she’s so happy that she cannot keep from jumping up and down when she gets back to the Stew Room and announces her win…

short-lived smile

It’s cute, and not-at-all unwarranted, which is why it is made all that much uglier when TurkeyHair decides to fucking rain on her parade by dickishly muttering “Sorry if I’m not super-ecstatic right now, cuz that means that we’re on the bottom.”…

“and obviously only a super-awesomely amazing chef such as myself is allowed to openly celebrate a win here”

OMG, what a fucking asshole thing to do, and it breaks my heart to hear Beaker immediately apologizing and sounding almost near-tears as she says in a teeny-tiny voice “ok, they want to see you…”

“and I’m really sorry I didn’t suck like some of you guys did.”

It’s even more infuriating to see the smug look of satisfaction on TurkeyHair’s face, knowing that he has popped her joy-bubble so efficiently…

hope someone puts crabs in your Fleshlight you little asshole

After Team PMS and Team Stupid Hair leave, Beaker says she should have contained her excitement. Thankfully the others tell her not to worry about evil little shitdicks like TurkeyHair, OranJello reminds her “It works both ways.” and Dung v2.0 says “You’re here to win.”

At Judges’ Table, Gail wants to know why Team Stupid Hair insisted on doing one dish. BlazeHawk claims the Chinese Clusterfuck Challenge might have contributed to that decision since he claims they were accused of not working well as a team and they figured they could do one dish really well as opposed to three dishes just ok. Daddy Tom looks like he ain’t convinced. FahBeeOh claims he did 95% of the knife work (which nobody really cares about) and BlazeHawk cooked their fish, while TurkeyHair made absolutely certain to get his spit-foam on the plate. Gail says they needed some restraint, the grape gastrique was overkill, and Daddy agrees it became heavy and muddled-tasting.

They move on to LowFatSo, who gets the wonderful news that if she wasn’t on such a Loozah Team (like PMS) then she would probably be the one jumping up and down and getting her weed on in Amsterdam, cuz Daddy Tom says it was his favorite dish of the evening…

mmmmmmmm, weeeeeeeed

Next, Turdle tries to explain why she wanted to make water out of an already watery cucumber, and then add watermelon to it. When she mentions that she made the cucumber water by putting sliced cucumbers and water in a blender, Daddy Tom looks incredulous, “You don’t think there’s enough water in the cucumber to make the water without adding water?”…

“I wanted really watery water?”

Daddy says everything tasted bland after tasting the fish, and Gail says it all seemed washed out, it was certainly juicy, but flavorless. Turdle looks more than ever like she wishes they had done a group dish.

As for Bitchani, she explains that she wanted to just lightly roast the bluefish and get a good crispy sear on the skin of it. At this point KerBear says the skin of bluefish is the tricky part, because it contains that bloodline we were hearing about earlier, and he thinks there may have been a little too much bloodline left in. Daddy Tom flat-out says KerBear is being too kind to her, he says the bloodline is where everything derailed in Bitchani’s dish, “Whenever that’s left on it is fishy and strong.” Gail agrees, saying that fishiness was “really assertive”…

but Bitchani is a big fan of assertive fishy-tasting fish!

Then Gail starts wanting to know what LowFatSo thought of Bitchani and Turdle’s dishes, did she taste them? LowFatSo carefully says she did, but not in their entirety. Scar asks if she had tasted the finished products as a whole would it have made a difference, does she feel she could she have helped her teammates? LowFatSo starts to cry. That’s two weeks in a row, Scar. Stop being a Mean Girl and trying to get LowFatSo to state the obvious (that Turdle sucks). It wasn’t her responsibility to make sure that the other two did good food, and isn’t it already bad enough for her to hear that Daddy Tom liked her dish best of all and she missed out on a trip to Amsterdam because of these two?

shut it, grampa-fucker

After some more delicious destruction discussion (as well as a wistfully vocalized fantasy from Sexist Pigshit that BlazeHawk or TurkeyHair could actually go home for making their awful dish) it turns out that this competition is suddenly going to be lesbian-free from now on, because they’re sending Turdle and Bitchani home…

and this is exactly how sad I feel about that

Actually, I do feel quite sad to see Bitchani go, especially since she explains how much she wanted to come on the show this time and really enjoy her experience, “I’m very aware of the perception of who I was in Season One, but I’ve become a different person.” And she’s right, she has been so much more likable ever since she came back, and she clearly is a very talented lady.

Turdle, on the other hand, remains mired in delusion: “I know that I feel good about the dish, and if they didn’t like it, they didn’t like it, that’s fine.” Well, it’s certainly fine by us now that your lazebian ass is going home. She also claims to be “bummed” about the fact that she didn’t cook in two challenges (we get no words of remorse for her not caring in the rest of them) but she insists that it’s been an “amazing” opportunity and she wouldn’t change it. Except now she claims it was all an a-hole edit, so whatever…

go look puzzled somewhere else

The last thing we hear is Bitchani sweetly saying that she is going home to the most amazing girlfriend who is everything to her…

and it’s too bad they overlaid her heartfelt declaration of love with a bunch of advertising shout-outs

And there we are! What did you think of this episode? Do you feel like the right people went home (especially Turdle)? Or should they have kicked BlazeHawk or TurkeyHair out for bad gastrique and unnecessary foam? Do you think that Team Stupid Hair’s strategy ultimately worked for them, making it hard for the judges to single them out for departure, or were the dishes on Team PMS just worse? And do you think Beaker’s happy little win-celebration deserved the smackdown from TurkeyHair that it got, or was he just being a giant dick?

The BF and I are going to be on vacation this weekend celebrating his birthday (he is the most amazing man who is everything to me) and so as a special treat for Restaurant Wars you guys will be having a guest recapper filling in for me… are you ready? IT’S GONNA BE FLIPIT!!!! I know, I’m excited, too! Thanks again for reading and dropping comment love, happy belated MLK day, and, as always,

love, J-Mo