Top Chef: Hail To The Beef

Welcome back to the slophouse, my fellow ‘GasmEricans! Also, I’d like to say howdy to those of you who have only recently joined us. My name is J-Mo and I’m going to be your Big Fat Gay Guide over the next fifteen weeks of peeling, chopping, reducing, sautéeing, boiling, frying, basting, melting, burning, overcooking, incinerating and bitchy-bitch-bitching, as we watch seventeen incredibly naïve talented people fight for the title of Top Chef…

now with TWO self-important domes to look at!

Also, someone clearly hasn’t lost all the baby-weight yet! Anyhow, this season will be taking place in Washington D.C., which is ironic, because usually the stuff that happens in D.C. is what destroys my appetite (and sometimes my will to live) but on the plus side, at least the only oil we’ll be hearing about is the kind that makes things taste good. Also, there’s a lispety-lunchety great big Gaysian…

thitthzzle by Bravo indeed!

As well as plenty of frustrated asshat jerkoffs…

awwww, someone needs a blowjob baaaaad…

And let’s not forget our two favorite people involved with the show, Daddy Tom Colicchio and Padma “Scar” Lakshmi…

look how sweet Daddy Tom is trying to make things prettier by flinging patriotic glitter around!

Usually he’s pretty butch, so I guess Miss Andy musta tricked him into doing that. Anyhow, in case you’ve never seen this show before (another welcome to our Amish friends and recently liberated FLDS members!) we’ve got seventeen new chefs competing in up to 29 challenges, and hoping to win a feature in Food & Whine magazine (where fellow judge Gail Simmons works… sorta… when she’s not gently ballooning on TV), a showcase at the F&W Classic in Aspen, and a grand prize of $125,000.00 provided by brand new sponsor Dial Corporation…

makers of these fine froo-froo feminine-scented bodywashes that will turn you gay within minutes if you believe that silly Old Spice commercial with the hunky black guy in it.

Great, get ready for a lot of staged shots of people in the shower loofahing away and trilling breathlessly about how great their Dial Fruity Essentials clean the grease away. Bluh, there really isn’t a single one in this bunch I’d want to see naked anyhow.

Enough about that, let’s jump on in! Our first cheftestant comes striding up the street, and I was shocked at the first word that jiggled its way into my mind…

boobs

It is odd for me to notice breasts (that aren’t hairy and attached to a man) but I think hers were so alarming because they were in pretty heavy motion as she walked. Someone might wanna mention the phrase “Sports bra or expect knee-slappers at sixty” to her. Anyhow, meet Tiffany, from Beaumont, TX, who says she started her culinary career in 10th grade working at IHOP…

“Where I had no problem touching your aigs if you ain’t nice to me.”

KIDDING! Actually ChesTiffany here says she immediately decided to work harder than everybody around her and see how that worked out (something that my own co-workers tend to do the exact opposite of). She must have done well, because now she’s an executive chef at a big seafood place in Dallas. And I bet she still can turn out a mean Rooty Tooty Fresh’N’Fruity. She really wants to the first African-American to win Top Chef. She may also want perky ones when her nipples start dragging in the dirt.

Next comes that same tiny and sexually frustrated little malevolent gnome skittering his way up the street and at first I thought Tiny Tewwible Toby was back, but no, this is Stephen and we saw him earlier juicing oranges on top of the capital building. He immediately sets my teeth on edge when he whines that leaving his wife and 13-month-old twins behind was “one of the hardest things” he’s ever had to do…

“You feelin’ sorry for me, yet?”

Yes, but not for the reasons he thinks. We all know by now that they film an episode of this show every two days, so it’s annoying that this dickbag is still trying to trot out that tired “Oh, I’m so sad to be away from my family…” bullshit when we know they’re only gone from home about a month (even less when they lose)! How about feeling sorry for your poor wife saddled with double diaper duties and no help from you now? Nope, he insists on casting himself in the role of Family Saviour, claiming he’s here to “create opportunities” for them. “I came here to change my life… and to kick ass.” Ok, well, I say amen to the first part and he’d better go find a step-stool if he’s serious about the second. I think from now on I will call him ShortyPants.

Hey, here comes another giant-boobed chef!…

only this one has the girls kept in check!

The moment I saw her florid face and heard her gravelly voice, I suspected we had our first chefbian of the season. Meet Tracey, who is also an executive chef, and she’s proud she was named one of the Top 25 Chefs in Atlanta last year…

“See my name? Right here, next to this naked massage ad…”

Poor thing, somebody over at Magical Elves obviously forgot that you’re supposed to stretch video vertically instead of horizontally, and now they’ve added an extra fifty pounds to her. I’m not helping anything by wanting to call her Trucksy, either. Oh well, too late.

Whoa! We’ve got a second African-American chef! His name is Kenny and he is the President of his own company called “Passionate Culinary Enterprises” which apparently specializes in Showing You What Your Restaurant Is Doing Wrong. Kinda like Soul Kitchen Nightmares, because Kenny strongly reminds me of Isaac Hayes…

or maybe it’s just the filming angle, since Magical Elves apparently still has no idea how to light black people

Or maybe it’s because he’s a bit of a “Shaft”. Kenny has a pretty big self-important streak healthy ego and brags that he’s been cooking ever since he could step up to the stove, saying something about having “thrown” his first egg at the age of three. Oh please. I think he neglected to mention that it was an Easter egg and he was probably trying to hit his brother in the eye with it (and the “stove” he was stepping up to was prolly the one in his sister’s Fisher-Price PlastiKitchen™). KennEgo says his confidence level on a scale of 1 to 10 is a 10. His Douche-O-Meter reading is currently hovering at about a 5, edging slightly upward with that last statement.

Moving along, they’re all walking and meeting up on the rooftop of some D.C. museum, which our next chef Alex says has “a breathtaking view”…

which would be true, I guess if you’re super impressed by being waaaay up on the third floor

I’m kidding, they actually have a pretty cool view up there where they can take in the Capital Building, the Washington Monument, drug deals, etc. Alex tells us he thinks D.C. is a GREAT place to host Top Chef, and starts listing off a bunch of chefs that have restaurants there. Alex seems like a nice guy, and I really want to like him, but bald guys with starey eyes who get real intense about stuff tend to remind me of someone…

namely, Nosferatu

Poor guy, he can’t help it. At least, not without a wig or some hair-plugs. He’s sweet, though, and asks our next chef where she’s from. It turns out her name is Kelly and she and her hubby own a restaurant in Vail, CO (which I just breezed through not two weeks ago). Kelly says she was named one of the “Top Young Female Chefs in the country”. She doesn’t say by who or for what (I’m betting her husband awarded her that the last time he really pissed her off). Kelly also has an unfortunate resemblance to Miss Swan…

“Yuh, no, ev’ryteeng I tell yoo, okeh?”

She says something about when she wants something she always goes for it 100% (zzzzzz) and that she doesn’t lose… “very often.” Poor thing. The fact that they aired that comment pretty much means she’s about to have her ass handed to her in one of the first challenges, just watch.

Whoa! We appear to have another chefbian! Perhaps we’re on our way to having another Team Rainbow? This one’s name is Lynne and she’s got the face of Hillary Clinton…

and the sex appeal to match

LynnBian also has that very uptight clenched-jaw Martha-Stewart-In-Prison New Englander vocal delivery. Or perhaps that stilted booming speaking voice comes from her being an instructor for the C.I.A. (and no, not the cloak-and-dagger group, I mean the Culinary Institute Of America). “I might not be the most flashy person out there, I don’t have any tattoos or crazy hair, but my food tastes good!” She insists that just because she’s an instructor doesn’t mean she’s dead just yet. She then turns to the Gaysian standing next to her and compliments him on his big puffy scarf, which surprises me, since I thought that stupid scarf fad went out last year…

“Not in Nashville, bitch!”

This is Arnold. I wasn’t sure at first what a hospital owner had to do with a cooking competition (and I thought him extremely egotistical to name his hospital directly after himself) and then I heard him say he owns three restaurants in Nashville, so that last word must actually be “hospitality”. Anyhow, this is how GayNold motivates his staff…

to laugh at him behind his back

Dear Madonna, this guy is so over-the-top gay he makes me look almost as butch as Larry The Cable Guy (minus the blind racism and homophobia, natch!). And yes, he actually claims that part of his “preparation” for Top Chef was to get “a wardrobe stylist” and “a facial”. I guess THAT came from the wardrobe stylist as well (whom he should immediately fire if that’s who’s responsible for that fucking scarf)! Also, he’s a dumbass, because A.) I’m fairly certain that pretty clothes and smooth skin will not help you COOK better, and B.) Way to promote the most annoying stereotype of the Shallow Superficial Queen™ (especially since we know he’s serious about the facial). Plus, there’s no excuse for him to dance so badly.

Sorry, I don’t know why this guy annoys me so much, so let’s move on to yet ANOTHER Black chef (unprecedented!) and Jersey Boy named Kevin…

who doesn’t seem at all perturbed by the fact that he works at a place named after vermin

He says he’s expecting to let the world know that “Jersey’s here”! It’s too bad the Real Housewives (plus Snooki and the gang) have already pretty much beaten him to that particular punch. Maybe he can elevate the image a little (especially if he gets rid of those Urkel glasses). Anyhow, it turns out that Kevin knows KennEgo from way back and considers him his biggest competitor. Perhaps literally as well, although Kevin is of impressive size himself…

“Yo, respect my moobs.”

Next to be introduced is a familiar character on this show: The I-Didn’t-Go-To-Culinary-School-And-I’m-Really-Insecure-About-It-So-I’m-Gonna-Pretend-That-Being-A-Self-Taught-Chef-Is-Much-Cooler-While-Also-Using-It-As-An-Excuse-For-Not-Knowing-What-Sous-Vide-Means kind of chef. Her name is Jacqueline, she’s from Brooklyn, and she does not disappoint in this regard: “I do catering for a living, and I would like to prove that a self-taught chef can beat the pants off all of these guys!”…

“Perhaps literally as well.” *wink* *wink*

I wonder if HomeSchooled Jackie’s aware that at least one or two of her home-schooled brethren are brought on this show every season as cannon fodder, and that Daddy Tom and Scar are not going to give her a pass for it? Oh well, let’s not worry about her anymore, and go meet Timothy, who is the Local Boy this season, who strongly reminds me a lot of Bobby Brown (especially now that Mr. Brown’s two decades of having the munchies all the time have been catching up with him)…

“Don’t be cruel, J-Mo. ‘Cuz I would never be that cruel to you.”

I know-oh-ohoh-oh. And I really want to like him, too, but then he pulls out the patented Danny Gokey Dead Wife Card™ (passed 3 years ago, bless her heart, sorry for your loss, but this is relevant how???) and says he knows she’s looking down at him now and he HAS to win Top Chef for her, which is semi-sweet, but still relentlessly, calculatingly manipulative and unoriginal.

The thing that DOES make me feel sorry for him is that he’s currently engaged in a BOB (Battle Of Bullshit) with the good-looking spiky-haired douchetwat of this season whose name is Angelo. Angelo’s name in previous seasons has been Stephen Aspirino (Season One), Marcel Vigneron (Season Two), Hung Huynh (Season Three), Spike Mendelsohn (Season Four), Jeff McInnis (Season Five), and Michael Voltaggio (Season Six) and he’s always the same: very talented but clearly unaware that most people do not REALLY want to eat at the restaurant of a blazing asshole.

How can I tell he falls into this category? Other than by his goddamned fauxhawk?…

and by his Skin Bracer By Mennen™ pose?

Because Angelo (and his clean, close shave) is tossing names of random French chefs that he’s worked with at Bobby Brown (forcing Bobby to pretend to know them, too) and saying how he studied with them in “Frahhnce” (where is this weird pseudo-Euro-accent coming from, he’s from Connecticut!) and then snottily brags that he just got back from Monte Carlo last week and inquires about whether or not Bobby’s ever even BEEN to Frahhnce.

I’m not saying he’s a hack, because he lays claim to the fact that the Asian restaurant he used to own in the West Village is the first Chinese Restaurant to be awarded a Michelin Star (no small feat) and I’m sure his credentials in Frahhnce are on the level, but he doesn’t have to be so obviously dickish about it. Or say things like this: “Whoever’s gonna go against me, there’s gonna be blood on the stage. It’s gonna be war!”…

That’s it. I’m calling him OranJello

Privately, Bobby Brown’s not really that impressed by Oranjello’s game of Who-Can-Pretend-To-Be-The-Most-International-Jackass-Of-Them-All and thinks most of what’s coming out of that fake’n’baked face is bullshit.

FINALLY, the moment we’ve all be waiting for! Daddy Tom and Scar join the chefs on the rooftop, which is our cue to meet the tall, gangly, grey-dreadlocked white boy from Detroit named John, who tells us that he feels like a “stranger in a strange land”…

and by “strange land” he means “Earth”

Dear Jesus, it’s Beaker’s white brothercousin! If this guy says he cooks with love and starts hootie-hooing all over the place I’m going to be giggling my ass off this entire season! Let’s hope for the judges’ sake he also has an extra-strength hairnet. Scar and Daddy Tom welcome them to D.C. and it’s time for the very first QuickFire Challenge of the new season!

Scar lets ‘em know that this is going to be the seasonal mise en place tournament (which is Frahhnch for “putting in place” and refers to the basic ingredient prep-work necessary before service begins at a restaurant). Daddy Tom jumps in at this point to say Leg One of this challenge will be for them to Peel 10 Potatoes, and the 12 chefs fastest at completing this will move on to Leg Two, which is having to Brunoise (chop finely) 10 Cups of Onions. Only the 8 quickest chefs (who aren’t crying profusely at this point) will get to compete in Leg Three, the Silencing Of The Chickens (can you hear them bawking, Clarice?) and the 4 fastest dismemberers will move on to Leg Four, which is to make a dish using all of these ingredients. Best tasting dish wins, and since they’re keeping the “High-Stakes QuickFire” concept that started in Vegas last season, the prize is… HOLY SHIT, $20,000.00!!!!

I know this is prolly a $50.00 bill with a bunch of ones behind it, but still, drooldrooldrool

JerseyMoobs Kevin says if he won he could use that money to put a down payment on a house, which is weird to think that’s actually become true again after those mid-millenial years when $20K couldn’t get you a bay window in a place. Of course, Oranjello’s more excited for the challenge itself because this way he gets to see everyone’s basic skillz on display, and he’s certain his will be far superior. We’ll see about that. The chefs all take their places, don their jackets and they’re off…

to make Freedom Fries in the nation’s capital!

Immediately JerseyMoobs discovers that while he’s still barely working on his first tater, KennEgo next to him has already zizzed through denuding HIS first and has quickly moved on to a second. Now we meet L.A. girl Amanda, who tells us she has a pretty impressive resumé, but realizes a lot of her competitors are much further along in their careers than she is…. “That doesn’t mean that I’m not as good as they are,” she says, and then immediately makes herself a liar when she admits “but then I sliced my palm open so I feel like an idiot…”

she scarily reminds me of Possible Stalker Leah, only with slightly less dead eyes

Poor thing, somebody always does that! Anyhow, what do you know? KennEgo finishes first and calls check! Daddy Tom looks his taters over (to be fair, they appear to have been greatly reduced in size, perhaps that’s how he did them so quickly?) and declares he is moving on to the next round. Oranjello looks pissed, but he’s next, followed by BeakerDreads John, Bobby Brown, JerseyMoobs and Miss KellySwan (who did a sloppy-ass job, and Daddy Tom does NOT move her along to the next round). Next is ChesTiffany, Tamesha (whom we haven’t met yet) and Nosferatu Alex. Only four spots left, and three are taken by some Unknown White Dude and the Power Lesbians Trucksy Tracey and Instructor LynnBian, leaving Miss Swan, GayNold, HomeSchooled Jackie, ShortyPants Stephen, a Big-Haired Blonde and Bloody Mandy… and the Big-Haired Blonde snags the last spot! Scar immediately tells the five chefs who didn’t finish “You can go stand over there…”

how to make Losers Stew

Poor Miss Swan feels traumatized by the sheer PRESSURE of it all. Yes, being an air-traffic controller, defusing terrorist bombs and peeling potatoes quickly, all extremely super-high pressure situations. She should really go lie down now.

Moving right along to Leg Two, chopping onions, and JerseyMoobs helpfully explains that “brunoise” refers to small dicing an eighth-inch by eighth-inch by eighth-inch, and he believes that while he may not be the fastest, he’s sure to have “the most precision”. Aww shucks, isn’t he sweet? It’s too bad that Daddy Tom’s not going to get out a ruler and measure individual cubes of onion…

… cuz, you know, THIS IS A SPEED CHALLENGE!

They start a-choppin’, and Oranjello’s determined to beat KennEgo this time, and he’s totally being the Human Cuisinart, onions are just flying EVERYWHERE… but KennEgo beats him AGAIN! Trucksy is impressed and says his skills are ridiculous… “I want him to fall off the building, HAHAHAHAHA!” Wouldn’t you know, Trucksy just became one of my favorites…

HEART

JerseyMoobs finishes next, then ChesTiffany, Oranjello, Nosferatu, Instructor LynnBian, Tamesha… and Bobby Brown takes the last spot, thereby adding Trucksy, BeakerDreads John, Unknown White Dude and Big-Haired Blonde to the already simmering Losers Stew. Big-Haired Blonde is actually named Andrea, and she’s both disappointed and from Miami…

and thankfully she did NOT name her place “The Dildo Beach Club”

She is pissed off at herself for having been named one of Food & Whine’s Top Ten Best New Chefs In America, but she can’t dice an onion faster than somebody else. Girl, let it go, and just remember: deep down you’re not REALLY a loser… except, you know, in this easy-ass QuickFire.

Leg Three begins, and there’re chicken parts everywhere! I think it would have been much more fun to make them catch, kil and pluck the chickens before dismembering them, and seeing everybody covered in feathers and chickenshit alone would have been worth it, if not to watch them chasing chickens all over the roof, LOL…

and NOBODY’S coat would be NEARLY as white!

They start this last part, and KennEgo tells us he can break a chicken down in about 30 seconds. True to his word, he finishes first, annoying OranJello even further, and motivating him to come in second again. He’s quickly followed by Bobby Brown and snagging the last spot is… JerseyMoobs! This means ChesTiffany, Tamesha, Instructor LynnBian and Nosferatu Alex are out of the running and all $20,000.00 poorer.

Last leg, they have to make a chickentateronion dish and there’s a smallish pantry set up on a table to the side. Their 30 minutes starts and Bobby Brown’s doing herb chicken with a potato galette while JerseyMoobs Kevin decides to poach his boneless chicken wangs in a chicken broth flavored with the onions and potatoes. KennEgo’s taking a more exotic route, doing his chicken Moroccan-spiced with dry cherries in TWO ways, and hopes this will establish him as the Alpha Male. I’m afraid he’s taking on too much for only having 30 minutes… aren’t they always telling people “Do one thing really well rather than two things kinda meh.”?

As for OranJello, he seems a tad prissy in the kitchen…

or maybe it’s just his lavender pants that have me thinking that way

He’s doing a roasted spiced chicken served with a chilled onion jam, and tells us he feels “really pumped up, I’m feeling extremely focused, I feel like a ninja!” Ugh, Susur Lee he is not, and he is making me piss off with all dat cocky crap he talking. Time’s up, let’s see what Scar and Daddy Tom think, starting with OranJello’s dish…

served on a saucy saucer

Scar tells him it’s “very nice” and they go down the line to JerseyMoobs Kevin…

which looks like a really little dish in a great big bowl

They thank him and head next door to Bobby Brown’s place…

and his Chicken TendeRoni…

You knew I had to, right? Anyhow, they make KennEgo their last stop of the day and I wonder if Mr. Alpha Male can make a clean sweep of this QuickFire?…

I dunno, but I must admit that dish looks awful pretty and suitably cheffy

Results time! Daddy calls out the bottomsies, which are Bobby Brown for using too much cream in his dish that overwhelmed all the other flavors, and JerseyMoobs Kevin, whose broth was so salty that Scar instantly dehydrated. This means it’s between OranJello and KennEgo. Daddy Tom says they liked all the flavors and spices and how KennEgo featured the roasted potato, and he also compliments OranJello on his onion jam and well-cooked chicken, plus the potato noodles… and the winner of the FIRST QuickFire and $20K is…

dammitall!

I suspect it’s a good thing we can’t see KennEgo’s face right now, to be on top 3 out of the 4 legs and to lose it in the last one must make it hard for the Alpha Dog to accept that he’s been demoted to Bravo Dawg. Naturally he tells us that he doesn’t see OranJello as a threat, but as “an obstacle”. Yes, an obstacle that just snatched $20,000.00 from you, dude. OranJello’s making sure to keep my own little hate fire well stocked as he says he plans to be the first to win every single challenge. Oh Jesus, can I make any bigger of a *Big Gay Eye Roll*? Let’s move on to the Elimination Challenge…

Which is a total softball… all they’re asked to do is create a dish that reflects where they’re from originally. They have to make enough to feed 300 “extras being paid with free food” “young successful Washingtonians” at a kickoff party for some Cherry Blossom Festival, most likely sponsored by Benadryl. The complicated part is that they’ll be competing in 4 teams of 4, each team will have a winner and a loser, one of the losers gets kicked out first.

Okay, well that’s good in a way, then at least you don’t have to worry about SIXTEEN other dishes being better than yours, only three. Now comes the Junior High School Part: the Top Four from the Quickfire get to choose who they’ll be competing against, starting with OranJello. He picks ChesTiffany, Miss KellySwan, and BeakerDreads John while KennEgo goes with Trucksy, Instructor LynnBian, and ShortyPants Stephen. Trucksy is pissed that she got picked by him first because she’s taking that to mean he thinks she sucks. I suspect she’s right.

In any case, JerseyMoobs chooses GayNold, Bloody Mandy,and HomeSchooled Jackie, and finally Bobby Brown selects Nosferatu, Tamesha, and Big-Haired Andrea… which leaves Unknown White Guy standing around. His name is Ed, and he says being chosen last doesn’t bother him, because he’s got an amazing resumé, he’s worked for Todd English and Daniel Boulud and he’s a huge threat…

And zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Whatever, dude, you’ve had zero face time, and you better step it up, so far you’re the most colorless out of everybody. In any case, OranJello gets to pick which team Ed’s going to be on, and naturally he decides the best strategy would be to stick him on KennEgo’s team to “add more pressure”. KennEgo’s like whatever, “It’s irrelevant.” See what I mean? Ed has no impact. Or nickname at this point.

Anyhow, Scar says they’ll have $300 the next day to shop at Whole Paycheck Market and 4 hours to prep their hometown dishes, plus one hour to set up at the venue, and then they’re turned loose to go find their mansion for the season…

or, in this case, their semi-detached brownstone?

Yeah, I’m sorry but last season’s place was way nicer than this townhome, but I’m sure space in actual D.C. is prime dollar, so sorry folks, no pool for you. As everyone is settling in, BeakerDreads is writing in his journal about what happened today…

“Dear Diary, Everyone keeps asking why I smell like old cheese?…”

The next day is their shopping trip to Whole Paycheck, and poor ShortyPants Stephen is whining that finds it very stressful because all 17 of them are trying to hit the meat counter at once…

or it could be because he can barely see OVER said meat counter

HomeSchooled Jackie is busy dropping produce all over the floor and deciding that the thing that most defines New Yorkers… is chicken livers…

“That doesn’t sound insulting at all, does it?”

I guess it would have been too easy to do something more recognizably New York, such as the steak or pizza or any of the other zillion foods that the city is known for, so why not a chicken liver mousse. Meanwhile, BeakerDreads is buying frozen puff pastry dough and uttering one of the most recognized death-phrases in this show’s history…

or maybe he’s buying a hairnet?

This can’t end well. Anyhow, they all head over to the Hilton where this season’s Top Chef Kitchen is located, and GayNold is just in awe of the place, he’s intimidated by all the hoity-toity equipment it’s equipped with, “I’m a little nervous actually, I haven’t touched some of these fancy tools, I have a mom & pop restaurant in Nashville!”…

Girl, please, stop it, I’m sure you have plenty of experience touching tools

Bobby Brown’s ready to represent D.C. with rockfish, and he’s pretty certain he chose his competition well (Nosferatu, Tamesha, and Big-Haired Andrea) and that he’s guaranteed not to be in the Loozah’s circle. Meanwhile, Nosferatu says he’s from Russia and plans to make borscht California-style by deconstructing it. Then he tries to burn the kitchen down…

aren’t vampires afraid of fire?

He nearly took off Trucksy’s unibrow there. JerseyMoobs is planning on cooking lamb sous vide (with that thermonuclear conversion immolator thingamajiggy) while his team competitor HomeSchooled Jackie’s suddenly decided instead of making her chicken-liver mousseline in the traditional Fraanch manner with lots of butter and fatty things that taste good, she’s going to make it “light” by replacing that stuff with.

OranJello’s talking now, and all I’m going to say about it is that he admits to being from a small town in Connecticut (I TOLDJA that shie-shie accent was a put-upon!) and he’s still a fuckwit who’s supremely overconfident and believes he can “control every single flavor” in his dish (down to when they hit your mouth and why) and now I’m hoping he doesn’t fully debone his fish so someone pukes his dish back up into his face.

ShortyPants is trying to cut his rib-eye meat up (he’s gonna potato-crust it) and he’s getting super-annoyed that BeakerDreads is using the KitchenAid and it’s causing the table to shake a little…

pay no attention to the little man, ShortyPants is just nervous cuz he’s standing on two phonebooks

BeakerDreads is saying some really flowery stuff about how “maple really flows THROUGH the trees in Michigan” so he’s doing a maple mousse napoleon with macadamia nuts and vanilla sauce, and that sounds delicious BUT IT’S A FUCKING DESSERT! ON THE FIRST EPISODE OF TOP CHEF!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

“Ohhh, desserts are hard to do, kinda, aren’t they?”

Meanwhile Trucksy’s honking out more of her rusty evil laugh and calling ShortyPants a “hick” for being from Ohio, and she’s certain he doesn’t know how to cook. Funny, she was all pissed off when she thought KennEgo picked her first because he thought SHE didn’t know how to cook. Speaking of The Ego, his dish is naturally going to be complex, with cinnamon-coffee-rubbed trout, black bean mole and goat cheese polenta. It’s clear he knows how to make intricate food, but I’m curious if he’s able to to do anything simple and hearty. He believes it’s important for him to “set the tone” on the Elimination Challenge, and claims he “set the tone” on the QuickFIre…

and that “tone” sounds a lot like “Ding-Dong! I Came In Second!”

Ruh-roh, we’re back to BeakerDreads, who is getting a suspicious amount of face-time for someone who looks so wonky. Seems he set the upper oven temperature to what he meant to put the lower-over temperature at, and now his macadamia nuts have been incinerated and he has to start over on them. He hasn’t even started baking his store-bought frozen puff pastry yet. But I’m sure this will work out, right?

Also getting a Loser’s Edit, HomeSchooled Jackie’s just running out of time and decides at the last minute NOT to run her chicken-liver mousse through a strainer, which, I didn’t know it was supposed to be, but this sounds like it prevents something oogy from happening and that she should have done it. Sure enough, she gets it over to the event venue and tastes it… the shit is GRAINY, which would be an absolutely disgusting texture to put in your mouth (unless you’re one of those people who eat generic-store-brand mac & cheese with that hideous powdered pink cheese sauce that never really gets smooth after you add the milk… I’m guessing it tastes a lot like that, only with liver, so it’s even more disgusting). Anyhow, HomeSchooled says she’s gonna just start cooking it further, because that will smooth it out some more, but honestly it sounds like it’s getting away from her.

The doors open and the people start filing in, and here come the Judges to start off with Bloody Mandy’s spot, and it doesn’t look like they’re too impressed…

in fact, Daddy Tom can’t seem to control his giggles

Somehow I don’t think we’re going to be hearing much of that “best season ever” stuff this tim around. Anyhow, after Scar introduces everybody (it’s great to see Eric The Rippert join the panel, and she even calls Gail Simmons “luscious”) it’s time to start eatin’!…

yay, she served you a tapeworm on a bed of sputum!

Next they hit up GayNold’s table, and he’s proving to be even more annoying than I thought…

as evidenced by the fact that this little bitch just has to put his name on EVERYTHING

Ugh, you just watch, he’ll use “Myint” every chance he gets in every single challenge just so he can do that. HATE. Let’s see how JerseyMoobs’ dish turned out…

wait, what state is “Mid-Atlantic” in? Is someone ashamed of their Jerseyness?

Next they come upon HomeSchooled Jacqueline and her little apple-cups full of grainy weirdness…

make that her RAPIDLY-BROWNING little apple cups

She’s trumpeting the fact that she went “light” on the chicken-liver mousse (amending that to say that it, in fact, has “none”) and seems surprised that this comment elicits amused puzzlement from Gail and Scar…

“Are you a fucking nutjob?”

Jackie seems to think that her genius solution of using “just a touch of egg whites to bind the whole thing” will somehow give it the same flavor the butter would have.

Back at their table they start with Bloody Mandy’s ode to Wolfgang Puck (a.k.a. TapeWorm Surprise). Gail says it’s a pretty messy piece of fish, and Daddy Tom says Wolfie is far better at seasoning his food. Owie. As for JerseyMoobs’ lambikins, Ereeque says “Eet seemz to bee vayrey taindurr.”, Gail is tasting a hint of ginger, and Daddy Tom says the flavors are good and it’s seasoned well. Then they try their fat-free-liver-mousse-in-a-brown-apple-cup. “Eez dayfeeneetlee nod mai fayvoreet!” says Le Rippert, and it caused Gail to make this face…

“It’s like someone shit in my mouth!”

She complains about how coarse the mousse is, and apparently HomeSchooled has tasted it as well, because she’s realizing with slowly dawning horror that she just served what amounts to chicken-turds to one of the best Frahhnsh chefs in the world, and there’s nothing she can do to take it back now.

hey, look at the fashionably late gays!

Speaking of gays, I guess they didn’t give a shit about what GayNold’s little limey cakes tasted like, and now they’re moving on to ShortyPants Stephen’s dish…

with its generous dollop of blood-sauce

“High in the center and round on the outside, like O-HI-O!” he crows. Eric Ripert’s face is now high in the center and round in the lips like W-Z-F? They skitter on down the line to Ed, who turns out to be from Boston…

Would “MassholEd” be a good nickname?

When they get to Instructor LynnBian’s station, she makes sure to let them know she’s a teacher at CIA, I guess so they know she’s serious and that she’ll cut a bitch if they say anything nasty to her face about her food…

and based on what she made I think I love her

Trucksy’s dish doesn’t look bad, either…

even if it’s a tad cafeteria-looking…

There’s certainly nothing cafeteria about KennEgo’s dish…

is that a caramel squiggle?

Back at their table, the judges dig in. They start with Trucksy’s skrimp dish, and Daddy Tom says they are as bland as can be, and he thinks MassholEd’s cod cake and beans is a little on the heavy side, especially since he seems to have substituted extra breading so he could use less fish. As for ShortyPants’ meat’n’potatoes from O-HI-O dish, Ereeque says “I deeden taze zee flevvur ov zee reebaye!”, and Gail agrees, because it was deep fried, she’s just tasting fried and no steak. Then one of the dickbags from The Bachelor pops up to sneer that he wouldn’t serve that dish to his kids…

thanks for sharing, now please shut up and go back to taking off your shirt and pretending to fall in love with (and propose to) reality TV whores…

As for KennEgo’s dish, Gail thinks it has tons of flavor, the fish is seasoned really well and Eric likes the textures. I guess we don’t care about the gay dessert plate AGAIN, because LynnBian’s twatwaffles don’t get even an honorable mention.

They begin the next round with Nosferatu’s deconstructed borscht…

Califrussian style cuisine

We have yet to meet Miss Tamesha, but here we find out she’s from Barbados, which almost always means jerk-chicken…

ahhh, I see she apparently didn’t want to call them “jerk chicken balls”

That’s a big ball. You know who else has giant balls? Andrea, to go with her Big Hair. Why do I say that?…

Because NOOOOOOO, NOT GNOOOOOOCCHIIIIIIIII!!!!

Yup, she went there, and we’ll see how it does for her later on. Right now it’s time to bizzit Bobby Brown’s station…

and his BoogerSnotty Bobbyfood

For once, Big Hair saves the day, Scar says her gnocchi dish is actually tasty, although she’s not reminded much of Miami with the flavors. As for Nosferatu’s deconstructed borscht, Le Rippert says “Zee meet eez wail-koooked.” while Daddy Tom opines that some deconstructed dishes fail to work when you reconstruct them, but Nosferatu pulled it off. Then they try Bobby Brown’s D.C. offering…

Immediately Daddy Tom says the two sauces weren’t distinct in any way, and Eric says when he left the skin on a thick piece of fish like that, it makes it almost impossible to cook it properly. Guests are shown eating it and not liking it, but Bobby’s oblivious and tells us his confidence is very high and he plans to take his skills to the finals and winning…

“Ain’t nobody humpin’ around.”

How about shooting for making it through this episode, eh superstah? Anyhow, it’s the last group’s turn, starting with ChesTiffany and her Texas tits tomatillos…

even though it seems more South By SouthWEST

Next we return to poor put-upon Miss KellySwan…

and her tiny watery pieces of steak

Next it’s time for OranJello’s turn, and I’ve discovered that he has now fulfilled twenty-seven out of the Five Warning Signs Of Doucheism™…

…with the return of spit-foam.

AAAAAUUUGGGHHHH, do we have a full season of this shit to look forward to again? I’m sure it tastes good, those judges sure seem to like it, but to the home viewer it always just looks like someone loogied all over your food. In any case, last up tonight (and very eager to tell his “maple FLOWING through the trees” story) is BeakerDreads John…

hey, it looks okay to me

Last round back at the table, and they start with OranJello’s dish. All Daddy Tom says is “It’s really good.” But Gail feels like the dill in the dish was almost overpowering. Perhaps that’s because it was seasoned by a dillhole, who is currently telling the attendees that it’s okay for them to go ahead and lick their bowls of his amazing and magical food. Prick.

As for Miss KellySwan, they actually like her seasoning and the medium-rare cooking she did on her steak. Then they come to BeakerDreads’ dessert. Gail immediately apologizes and says she isn’t tasting maple anywhere, and Daddy Tom agrees, saying all he tastes is “sugar, sugar, sugar”. Scar’s face is much more specific…

it appears to be reminding her of the taste of old man balls

With that, they’re finished and everyone heads back to the Hilton. Once the chefs’re good and nervous enough in the Stew Room, Scar appears and asks to see JerseyMoobs, Nosferatu, KennEgo and OranJello, which makes it immediately obvious that these are the winners. Bobby Brown is sitting there with a perplexed look on his face, because he just watched the other three competitors that he was Top Four with in the QuickFire get called, and he’s not included.

I ain’t gonna chat about the love fest, I’ll just say that Eric Ripert as the newest judge gets the honors of declaring the winner of the challenge… and it’s OranJello…

who clearly revels in the lackadaisical applause given by his fellow chefs

He keeps it polite by interviewing “Ha ha ha, I win!” and promising that EVERYTHING he does is going to be outstanding. I really hope one of the Power Lesbians can get their shit together and hand this bunghole his hat at some point, I can think of no one more deserving.

They return to the Stew Room where the news of OranJello’s second win is trumpeted far and wide, and then OranJello himself gets to call out the Loozahs (which he claims to hate to do to them, but we all know he’s loving every minute of it). Those loozahs are: ShortyPants, HomeSchooled Jacqueline, BeakerDreads John… and Bobby Brown. Oooooooh, I guess he’s on his own now!

“Wait, what?”

Bobby’s just incredulous that this could be happening to him, which guarantees that he’s going in to face the Judges with an Attitude. I can’t wait.

Daddy Tom starts with ShortyPants and wants to know why he sliced his ribeye steak so thin that there was “really no choice but to overcook it”. He sputters a bunch of bullshit and tries to lamely joke off his failed dish, but sobers up pretty quickly when nobody else laughs, especially when Ereeque says the pieces of steak “look lige cheeken nuggedz!”

As for HomeSchooled Jackie, Gail says she was surprised the woman torpedoed herself up front with trying to make liver mousse low-fat. “It’s LIVER!” she says, “I don’t think anyone is looking for a low-fat chicken-liver mousse!” Jackie’s excuses are shocking: “I’ve never made this without my recipe. I’ve served this dish hundreds of times around the country–” Daddy Tom cuts her off “Did you MAKE it hundreds of times, or did you SERVE it hundreds of times?”…

“Ummm, I’ve EATEN it hundreds of times?”

Actually she ignores the question and starts talking about the seasoning of the dish, and Daddy Tom interrupts her again “That’s not what I’m asking. You said that you’ve served this dish ‘hundreds of times’… did you MAKE it hundreds of times?” HomeSchooled agrees, yes, she made it. Daddy is incredulous, “After making this a hundred times you NEED a recipe?” All Miss Jackie has to say in response to that is “It’s not memorized.” Ugh, Culinary-Schooled Chefs – 1, Self-Taught Chefs – 0. FAIL

As for BeakerDreads’ dreadful dessert, Daddy Tom says they all felt there wasn’t enough maple in it and that the pastry was soggy. In his carefully ditzy voice, BeakerDreads admits he bought the puff pastry pre-prepared and that that might not have been the right thing to do for a competition, and then he says the most wonderfully wacky thing: “I did feel the puff pastry was just an instrument to bring the mousse to your mouth.” Daddy Tom’s reaction to this chunk of crap is priceless…

“Who let you on my show?”

Gail speaks up and correctly points out there were only 3 components to that dessert, and wants to know if he’s REALLY asking them to discount a THIRD of his entire dish. It appears the lights are starting to come on and somebody might actually be home in BeakerDreads’ head, because he finally capitulates: “Ahhh, I guess I just… was being stupid.”

Lastly, Scar asks Bobby Brown the eternally loaded question of what he thought of his own dish. You know, most people after hearing three others get their buttholes widened over their shitty offerings would have realized that it must have sucked and responded accordingly. Naturally, Bobby believes he served a great piece of fish that was well-seasoned and nicely done. Le Ripert brings up the whole “Yoo leff zee skeen on zee feesh, an eet waz no pleezaing too zee mouth.” Bobby just kind of nods, and then Daddy Tom drives it home by pointing out that his other three QuickFire Toppies (JerseyMoobs, KennEgo and OranJello) all won in their respective groups. Bobby pulls out that tired “I didn’t let YOU down, I let MYSELF down” crap. I guess somehow that magically makes his food better for the Judges who had to eat fish with chewy skin on it? I think not.

I dunno why he’s bitching anyhow, he’s safe and he knows it. I think we all are pretty much sure that it’s either HomeSchooled Jackie or BeakerDreads John, both of whom have had tons of camera time this episode. They’re sent out during deliberations, and then we get to see a vignette where JerseyMoobs, MassholEd and ChesTiffany are pontificating about how SHOCKED they are that the other chefs are NOT TAKING THIS SHOW SERIOUSLY because they are DRINKING and PLAYING GAMES (such as craps, using giant dice made out of cardboard boxes)…

here come The Three BuzzKillTeers to make sure it’s a One For All, All For No-Fun!

Perhaps none of these people have ever seen this show before, but I think fans realize at this point that they spend HOURS in that Stew Room waiting for the Judges to come back with a decision, and if I were in the bottom four and might be going home I’d prolly want to have a giggle and a drink or two (and maybe a handjob from GayNold) before that heavy shit came down. The producers know this, too. And shame on you, JerseyMoobs, you almost won, can’t you just let the others have a little fun? Mirthless prick.

Sorry, but this kind of shit really annoys the fuck out of me. Let’s look at the viewer poll…

3. Um, DUH

And we’re back with four slightly wobbly cheftestants at the Judges’ Table, two of which because they ard now drunk (ShortyPants and HomeSchooled), one because of rage (Bobby Brown) and one because he’s just weird (BeakerDreads). And the first chef being sent to pack his knives tonight… is BeakerDreads! Poor guy, once it finally sinks in he gets really emotional… and I’m sorta emotional, too…

I was really looking forward to seeing this sort of face all season long and giggling like I did with the original Beaker

Dammit, that always happens. Anyhow, there we are, first one is in the can. What did you think of this episode? Should HomeSchooled have been sent back home for more schooling instead? Are both OranJello and KennEgo annoying you as much as they are me? Will Daddy Tom ever trim his damned soul patch? And why does Eric Ripert always look like he just ate somebody’s brains? PLUS, are you excited that we’re going to get another taste of Sexist Pigshit Mike Isabella this season? Me neither.

Thanks again for wading through all of this with me, and I am excited for what’s to come! Tune in next week when we’ll find out if OranJello continues his shutout streak.

Love, J-Mo : )