Top Chef: Homelessness Can Be Delicious

HOLLER! I have been away from Top Chef for a couple (a few?) seasons now, and have been reading J-Mo’s hilarious recaps with you. This week, though, it is J-Mo who is away. Actually, he’s here in Los Angeles partying like a rock star and buying me drinks. It’s the best reason anyone around here has come up with skipping a week, so congrats! I’m admittedly no J-Mo, but you’re stuck with me this time, suckas! Welcome to the Restaurant Wars Edition of Top Chef Allstars: One Trick Ponies!

Let me guess. You’re gonna shit glitter. HACK!

We open with Carla Beeker waking up. I think her spirit guides Ronda and Juanita were fucking with her hair while she was sleeping. Those damn spirit guides and their never ending devotion to Amy Winehouse.

And I sad no, no, no!

She’s coming off another win, so she’s psyched. Other reasons to be psyched: Turtle won’t be nipping at anyone’s fingers any more and Tiffani’s reign of “see? I’m really a nice person!” bs is over. Yes, there are only three girls left, but it’s still fitting that Beeker celebrates with a fist pump and a “go girl power!” cuz she’s always positive about stuff you wouldn’t normally think about in a positive light. For example, she loves her roommate even though she has to wake up to her b.o. blast every single morning.

The universe created that stank. YAY UNIVERSE!

Blazehawk uses the early morning hours to bond with the other obnoxious ambiguously gay dude over a banana and some dirty talk.

I was only on the bottom once.

And I get this face every time I think about it.

Blaze’s goal today is to win cooking his food. How bout start smaller and just decide that today you’ll comb your hair? It will be a win for all of us and lesbians and children can stop feeling so ripped off. Antonia tells the chefs that she invited Beeker and Used to Be Fun But Is Now Depressed and Angry Tiffany to move into her room and they ran away screaming. Antonia is the Black Hammer, because anyone she teams up with goes home. She laughs that it’s all a coincidence, but Dung 2 Dale says that it’s true and you shouldn’t drink anything she makes you or you’ll die. HAHAH. The best part is that he says this as he takes a drink she’s made for him. Foreshadowing? Let’s hope so, cuz if I wanna see anyone choke on poison Koolade, it’s Dung 2.

Best drink ever. I gave this to Mikey from the Life boxes with a handful of pop rocks and he really liked it. He hasn’t returned my calls in awhile, ….I’m sure it’s coincidence.

The first season I recapped of Top Chef was 2, which was Scar Padma’s first. It amazes me that all these years later she’s more terrible at reading cue cards than ever.

Line!
Honey, they’re written down. Just read them off this card.
Line!
aposidgh just say whatever product you want and we’ll try to get an endorsement deal with them. But please stop saying Bluefly.
Line!
Gonna. Kill. Self.

The Chefs catch a Greyhound to LeBernadin, where Anthony Disdain awaits them. I LOVE this guy. He always looks like he’s silently coming up with shit to throw at people in his blog.

It was a Godlike, artful day at Le Bernardine. Suddenly, an old lesbian woman who forgot to wipe the water off of her hands before she plugged in the blender entered and scared the customers away.

Why is he looking at me like that?

Disdain welcomes them to the best seafood restaurant in America! Um, I disagree, sir. I disagree.

Disdain opens by plugging one of his books that had a chapter about a dude named Justo who works at this restaurant and butchers three hundred pounds of fish a day. He’s got such a love for his work that when he leaves it takes three men to fill his shoes. I know we’re supposed to be super impressed by this, but all I can think is “that guy must stink.”

Date much?

Flabio says that watching Justo clean his fish “geeve me tears.” I think he’s just saying that to remind us that he used to have dimples. Sorry, Flab. It’s hard to get a boner from a memory.

So guess what the Quickfire is! Beating up the little monkey Marcel until he stops talking like a black teenager and dressing like a gay Pokemon?

Celebrating “White Poseurs Fuck the Ozone Month”. Sponsored by Aqua Net.

NO! They have to clean fish!

Ten bucks says Flabio’s gonna try to turn the fish into gnocchi.

 

Beeker gives herself a deadpan “woo woo.” HA. I love her. Tiffany is a fish chef, so she’s used to cutting fish. Doing it within a time limit without some taken guy to flirt with? Makes it harder.

Marcel tells us that the first time he butchered a fish, he turned red and swollen with a violent allergic reaction. Thankfully, he’s a badass and kept doing it until the sickness wen’t away. Unfortunately, the same plan of action doesn’t work on Marcel himself. I’ve been getting red and swollen for years from his stupid face and he’s still on my goddamn TV.

Sexist Pigshit points out that he’s faster at butchering than Beeker. Cuz Beeker doesn’t have a penis, surely. His overt sexism probably keeps him from getting laid. Or is not getting laid the reason for his overt sexism? Chicken? Egg? I think the answer might be simpler than all that:

Flabio cuts his finger, but says he’s not Turtle and will take it like a man. A big, greasy slimy man who just lost a quarter of a pound. Of blood, but still. Congrats!
Time’s up! Sexist Pigshit beat all the girls so he can go to bed happy. And alone. Flabio and the girls were on the bottom, and Dung2, Blaze, Sexist Pigshit, and Monkey are on top. To determine who gets immunity, they have to use all the discarded parts of the fish and make a fabulous meal out of it. EW. Blaze says getting the opportunity to use shit from the trash is “amazing” cuz it can show what he can do. I see homeless guys in front of Whole Foods doing this challenge all the time. They don’t look like they think it’s a golden opportunity. Cuz homeless people are negative.
Pigshit looks scared, which I love. He’s running around in circles asking Marcel for stuff. All he gets is poop thrown in his face. Why would you ask a monkey for help? They’re cute but evil. You should know that by now, SexPig!

Dung2, of course, is convinced he has this one in the bag cuz he was raised on discarded animal parts. He reminisces about how his parents would go buy pigs’ heads and make em’ for dinner. He’s very proud of this, which is refreshing. Most people on reality shows would use that as a really sad backstory to try and win our hearts. My parents abused me with pig’s heads as a child, but I made it through so give me half a million dollars. I DESERVE IT. If this were American Idol that story would have won him a ticket to Hollywood, and possibly even a thigh squeeze from Steven Tyler. What a waste.

Wipe that smirk off your face and cry like a normal reality star. Asshat.

Pigshit’s gonna make fish brains, and the only competition he’s not worried about is the monkey cuz he’s the closest thing to a girl in this round. Blaze tells us about working at McDonald’s. It’s how he learned the art of spit foam. Back then they just called it “special order revenge”, but you get the point.

He was the fish cook, which he says was a huge honor since there was only one seafood item. Microwaving a frozen block of fried white caca is an art, k? He sent his first filet-o-fish out without the top bun to be avante garde. The funniest thing about this? He’s bragging right now and he’s not kidding. You know the guy that got that sandwich without a top drove away and thought to himself “man. McDonald’s employees are the dumbest fucking people on this Earth. Can’t even manage to put two pieces of bread together.”

Monkey is all proud of himself for his dish of discarded fish trash, because wasting a life is like kinda really like totally wasteful. Which is why we need to learn to turn dead people into gas. You know, it seems like it would be easy to hate Marcel, but it’s not. He’s just too ridiculous to hate. There’s a reason Ross Gellar was so smitten.
Blaze made schnitzel. Which is a really nice way of saying “sauteed fish ass.” It really does look like a fancy filet-o-fish. Things change, but not really.

Sexist Pigshit took his inspiration from his dating life. He boiled skeletons into an oil. Sounds delicious. And horrifying.

I call this one Maria. She beat me at a game of checkers and was never heard from again.

You know what’s better than fish guts? UNCOOKED fish guts. Back off, Dung2. We weren’t all raised by your sick ass parents, k? Can I at least get some ketchup with this?

He also made bacon dashi with “salt roasted” cod collar. You put salt on your fish before you put it in the oven? That’s groundbreaking. I sense a trend! All across America, families will be putting salt on their food this week and calling it salt roasted.

Monkey made mousseline. No one is shocked that he took the first chance he got to invoke the most famous Fascist of all time.

Frightfully delicious. I wonder how Mussolini felt about men obsessed with hairspray.

Monkey says that the broth was delicious but unfortunately Disdain didn’t taste it. Which means he must not have won this challenge and is already in excuse mode. He’s pretty predictable at this point. Also predictable: Hawk and SexPig will make one thousand unfuckable faces each this episode.

Hard to say which way this is gonna go because the judges complimented everything. SexPig just hopes Marcel doesn’t win cuz he’s rude and inconsiderate. Then he farts and burps at the same time.

Dung2 wins! Good for him. He really has a talent for dumplings and fish guts. I hope there’s a pizza challenge soon so we can watch him melt down. Confident, quiet Dung2 is not the Dung2 I like. I want him screaming and throwing pans. It’s a TV show, dammit. Do something!

The chefs make it back to the Top Chef kitchen and Scar is waiting for them with Chef Ludo, the dirty smelly stringy haired whiny French bitch from Top Chef Masters.

Just for today, I’m going back to calling them Freedom Fries.

He’s had a makeover since we last saw him. Now he’s got mousse and fresh dentures.

If only they sold polident for personalities this transformation would be complete.

Freedom Fry is here to plug his new pop up restaurant. This is a temp operation that “pops up” in interesting places. First we had making trash into dinner, now we’re talking about shacks popping up. Am I down because of a bad economy or is Top Chef preparing me for homelessness? Whether it’s for fun or for budget restraints, Freedom Fry loves the concept. I sense he has a fear of commitment. Which I happen to find very attractive. This episode is fucking with my head.

Restaurant Wars!!! YAAAAAY!!! J-Mo is pissed that he’s missing this one, so since he’s here we went out for drinks the other night and had martini wars. I won. I barely remember it. Actually, he was drinking Bud Light. But I fought that war so hard. I woke up sore with mustard on my face and have no idea why…which makes me a winner in general.

Right?

Another war we declared: battle of the pets. He thinks he’s soooo great with his kitty pics every damn week. I HATE KITTIES! THEY POOP IN THE HOUSE! This is my not kitty, Xena. She’s fourteen years old and doesn’t remember who I am any more. And yet, she still hates me. Cute, though, no?

Down with kitties!

Flashbacks to the hellish Restaurant Wars episodes from seasons past. Tom hating Marcel’s chicken, Dale and Tre both getting eliminated. Tre doesn’t open his mouth much, and this flashback reminds me why.

EW! Take off your shirt.

Since Dung is immune he gets to pick the other team leader. He chooses the monkey, who is honored even though Dung just basically did that so he wouldn’t have to work with him. His ego inflates and his hackles literally rise before our eyes. How does he do that?

This hair is definitely bigger.

Blaze is trying to hide his face so monkey won’t pick him, and he doesn’t. He takes Angelo first. Team Awkward for the lose! There’s gonna be lots of stuttering in your future, Angelo. Dung takes Blaze, Tre and Flabio. Marcel takes Sexist Pigshit, Antonia, and Tiffany, who just laughs when he points out that she doesn’t seem very excited to work with him. LOL. Well, she’s second to last to get picked, and on top of that she gets stuck with some a-hole who spits on his food. Beeker is dead last, which is just wrong. She doesn’t care though, cuz right now she’s being entertained by Ronda and Juanita, who are whispering “you’re getting sleeeeepy” into Flabio’s ears.

For the first time in history, the diners will decide who wins! Cuz Americans can totally be trusted to vote with their brains. Just call your restaurant Bristol Palin and wait patiently for your prize money.

Marcel, in his I’m confident so I am going to get more urban youthy by the moment way, tells us that Restaurant Wars is all about assembling a mothafuckin team, yo! Yes, Twitty Cent. Whatever you say. Just don’t make chicken.

Tiffany gets stuck in the front of the house for being charming in her season. They better bring someone in for her to hit on or she’s just gonna be dead weight out there, zombiefying everything. She’s not happy about it, but she doesn’t say that to them. Not wise. And how come the girls are always just tossed to the side on this show like unimportant pieces of trash? It makes me crazy. Stand up for your right, girls! Before Pigshit tries to make an oil out of you.

The monkey is throwing poo right off the bat and pissing everyone off. “How many times do I have to say it!!!” Well, you’ve had to say that ten times in less than a minute so you’re kinda answering your own question. Pigshit tells us that to get respect, you have to know how to talk to people. Unless it’s a girl. You don’t have to talk to them. Just point and grunt. He’s very right about what monkey’s doing wrong, and the fact that this bozo has become the voice of reason infuriates me. Marcel says that it’s apparent no one’s going to listen to him and they’re gonna do whatever they want. Also apparent: if he gets too close to an open burner his head’s going up in flames. Please put him on grill duty.

Flabio, of course, is taking the road less less cooked at the front of the house. That guy will avoid cooking any chance he gets. He says that this challenge is a marathon and he’s on a team of runners or something. Totally the wrong analogy to spew while you’re sportin three chins, Flab.

I’m not the only one who misses Bunny FooFoo

Dung2 is naming his team’s restaurant Bodega, which is like a 7-11 but in the ghetto with really thick glass between you and the cashier. I hope people come in and just start stealing gum. Blaze wants to po it up, and says they should think about a white trash cousin winning the lotto and dipping caviar in ranch. Everyone laughs like this is a joke, but they didn’t hear his filet-o-fish story. You guys. He’s not. Kidding. And since the theme is homelessness, he could be onto something brilliant. Not groundbreaking. I’m sure that somebody out there’s already eaten their caviar with ranch.

Your soapboxx is creaking.

Of course, Marcel’s team is a giant mess and all they can do is argue. He wants to call the restaurant “Medi”, which is short for Mediterranean. Or medicine. Or Medium (God I miss you already). Or media.

Pigshit isn’t into this name, but he doesn’t have a better one. Girls are Dumb has a nice ring to it, no? Hey you guys I just looked up Medi on the internet and it’s a company that that sells prescription hose for compression therapy. How hungry does this make you?

Angelo hopes Marcel can learn to be patient and listen to other people’s idea. I hope that I can become an underwear model. The one whose hopes are realized first wins.

I WIN!

The chefs arrive at their outdoor kitchen and Marcel tells us he’s nervous about motivating his staff. LOL. Well, you’ve motivated them all to pick up knives, and it’s prep time so good work, monkey! Thankfully, he can’t think of that too much cuz he’s got Pigshit walking behind him bitching about everything. I get that he might have issues with monkey. Who doesn’t? Still it seems like he hates Marcel so much that he wants to lose. That’s just stoopid.

Blaze’s team seems to be having fun. They’re really sticking with his white trash idea. Dung2 is making bacon eggs and cheese, Tre’s making pork, Flabio’s keeping it simple (is there any other way for that one?) with cheesecake, and Blaze is making filet-o-fish without the top part of the bun. I wonder if every ex McDonald’s employee leaves with such a chip on their shoulders. You’re gonna prove that you’re better than the new guy that presses the start button on the microwave? Wowee the world is impressed. Ray Kroc is banging on his casket lid and shouting “GET RID OF THE TOP BUUUUN! I WAS WROOOONG!”

Marcel’s Medical Compression Hose team is doing Mediterranean, duh. Tiffany’s making chorizo and eggs. Um…Medimexican? Actually that sounds like a better idea. Pigshit’s doing an octopus dish, and Marcel is working out his frustration with Pigshit by butchering a fish that kinda looks like the guy.

They’re rounding out their menu with oxtail and lamb. Chorizo, oxtail, lamb, octopus and monkfish. The customers at this restaurant are gonna have some very angry white trashy poop, cuz that sounds like a stomach fight waiting to happen. Which totally fits the theme.

Big Daddy Tom comes in for the boner portion of the episode. He’s getting fatter and sloppier by the year, and I love him even harder for it. I don’t want a man who takes long walks on the beach. Or walks at all. I will know I have found my husband when he takes me to the Golden Corral and then almost suffocates me in my sleep. Aw, romance.

Daddy starts with Monkey, who pitches his course as a reverse Amuse Douche. Which makes it a Douche Amuse. I don’t think anyone finds douching amusing, but it’s monkey so let’s just roll with it. Basically, he means he’s making dessert. Tom rolls his eyes and tries to get this sped up so he can get back to the trailer before Scar’s finished off the last of the blunt.

Marcel will also be working the line, which should be hilarious. He really is gonna be a douche amuse tonight. Tom asks if he’s gonna help save the dishes that aren’t working. Marcel says he will, but then he makes Daddy leave cuz he’s busy. HAHAH. I don’t think he liked the question, cuz he was just set up to fail big time. For now, let’s all send our spare change to Bravo to buy the monkey some underwear. His beige ass is making me uncomfortable.

You got crazy crack in yo back my chigga!

Tom notes monkey’s energy and tells us that sometimes people thrive on that energy and sometimes you just wanna get a fly swatter and attack the spazz. Don’t let us stop you. Daddy doesn’t get why Dung2 is naming his restaurant Bodega when there’s no Bodega food there. But if he was served a pack of Orbit and a three day old ham sandwich he’d complain, too. Dung taps the bullet proof glass with a shotgun and Tom runs out with a Snickers bar in his jacket.

There will only be one winner tonight, and they will receive ten grand. This makes Tre speak, which is very rare. “This dish is worf ten grand!” Girl, I know you did not just say worf on TV like that’s real English. Go back to not talking. And please, for all that is holy, take something off.

Flabio is running around shouting pizza pieah! Spaghetti-a! and shaking hands with the waiters. Sure pooting fron of da houz ees deefeekool, but I makea da restaurand seence I was a 18! And how’s that working out for ya, buddy?

Marcel is trying to boss Tiff about how to peel a hardboiled egg. LOL. She’s nervous enough because Flabio’s running around set up already and she’s taking shit for eggs. He wants her peeling them in cold water to make it go faster, but she won’t for some reason. To make matters worse, the eggs aren’t even cooked all the way through. Uhoh. I make fun of her for turning suddenly lame this season but I’m still rooting for the girl. When a chef goes so far as to put me on Monkey’s side, though, I have to back off and just say f her.

Monkey and Angelo start trying to plan another dish, and Tiffany’s storming around pissed, saying she just should have made the eggs the way she knew how to make them. Well one, yeah you should make your own food and not get bossed around but that’s your own damn fault, and two, you don’t know how to hardboil an egg? Even I know how to do that, and I truly suck. Pigshit has offered to help Tiff come up with something different. Egg yolks cured in sugar, salt, and I hate girls. I smell trouble. And burnt Lean Cuisine. Goddammit I can’t even do that right.

She has to get to her front of house duties, so she leaves her still unspecified dish to Angelo. Danger! How many people has Angelo gotten in trouble with his shifty ways? And how often does it work out when someone goes to the front of the house and hands their dish over? I am worried for Tiff.

Seriously you guys if I’d a been there those chicken feet would have tasted like sweet sweet heaven.

Angelo is staying calm with Marcel, but Marcel is off on his own making up really offensive raps. Angelo finally gets to the breaking point, but he’s Angelo so it’s not very fulfilling. He doesn’t throw anything or yell, he just mutters like Rain Man without something to count. Pigshit, in his told you so tone, says that he hates monkey and his stupid spit foams. I would love to argue, but I hate spit, too. I even hate my own spit, and I’d die without it.

Blaze worries that his team is too quiet. The only ones talking are Ronda and Juanita, but no one can hear them. Except for Beeker, of course, who’s giggling to herself as she works. Out in the front of the house, Flabio’s talking to his waiters like they’re a bunch of morons. Well, they kind of are.

How come toes is shaped so funny like?

Time to serve! Angelo high fives Tiff and assures her that her dish turned out great, but it’s just an egg yolk with some lettuce on top. EW. She’s so out. Beeker shouts well wishes to the other team. Love her.

And now for the “real people”. There is little I hate more than “real people.” I watch TV to get away from those bozos. On this show, not only do we have to see them, we have to listen to their stupid fucking opinions, which they’re only coming up with to get on TV. You know what I wanna hear them say? Thanks for the free food and I swear I’ll get a bag to pull over my head before I’m out in public ever again. Bye!

Dana Cowin from Food and Wine shows up, and I think someone asks Tiffany how she looks cuz she says “not good.” Poor Dana Cowin. She tries, God bless her heart. She just needs to try harder. Or less. I can’t decide. Is she just attempting to make it look like Gail has some fashion sense? It’s the only way I can explain this:

Dung is expediting, and he’s yelling at the servers and telling them to back away. HA. Flabio is all offended, but what can you do? One thing chefs don’t get is that waiters can really fuck up their lives. There is no chef between the kitchen and the customer. There are boogary napkins, dish soap, and lots of stray hairs that can find their way onto the pate, though. Chefs? Be nice to your waiters. Especially if he’s bald, fat, and pasty. Cuz it’s probably me and I will leave dirty rags out and pee in the sink when the health inspectors come if you disrespect my ass.

Antonia thinks that they are kicking the other team’s ass, cuz their food looks classier than the bags of chips and tuna in a can that Blaze is serving, but Tiffany brings back undercooked food right away. People are bitching about the raw lamb and the runny boring egg yolk. One skinny bitch goes on and on about what she doesn’t like. She doesn’t say “wigs”, but I’m guessing.

At least put on a hat. I’m really trying to listen to you but I just can’t.

Flabio’s in full smarm mode. You can tell cuz he says he’ll be back to “splain you da menoo”. I’m not buying it. He’s been here long enough to form one goddamn sentence. He calls Dana “Donna”, which is awesome. If only he’d do it to her horsey face, cuz she’s got a girl boner right now.

He said menoo! I want to have his little fat greasy unintelligible babies.

His smarm works, because Donna has decided that this is what a pop up should be! Fuuuun! The judges show up and I’m really not happy that Gail’s not in the house. Boooooo. I need more than one hideous blouse to chew on, Bravo! They start at Bodega, with Blaze’s tuna belly and fried chicken skin. Ew.

Dung2 did a poached egg on top of what looks like raw bacon and focaccia. It looks cool, but it’s an egg and raw bacon. Streeeeetch a little, buddy.

You could have at least thrown some fish ass on that thing. It helps salmonella go down better.

The real people are pretty confused about the egg and bacon dish, but the judges love it. I think at this point they’ve eaten so much bad food you could put anything on the plate and as long as it doesn’t make them gag it passes. If I was on this show I’d just make peanut butter and jelly until it was time to drive home my Prius. And now, for some eating porn.

I love you baby. After this let’s take a nice long sit.

A real person gets on TV by bitching about Blaze’s tuna being in a can cuz it made it difficult to eat. LOL you idiot. That’s why God invented forks. He also invented clippers. Google it.

I spent all day with my eyes closed, turning in circles while trimming my own bangs. And now I have to try and figure out what to do with a can? I just need REST.

Daddy Tom’s impressed with Flabio’s control over the staff because they’re listening so intently to him. I think they’re trying to figure out wtf he’s saying. Blaze’s filet-o-fish is next, and it looks like a Chicken McNugget. He’s hitting all the bases today. If there’s not a McRib on it’s way out, these people have missed an opportunity.

Tre’s pork shoulder and grits is out, too, and it looks like that fake vomit you buy at Spencer’s.

Padma loves it. This homely real person doesn’t though. He seems genuinely frustrated, but who knows what’s going on in his private life? He probably walks around wondering why people keep throwing things at his forehead.

Bullseye

And now for Flabio’s cakedacheese.

Beeker, Ronda and Juanita made blueberry pie. It looks like a clown that got his ass kicked.

They only kicked me in the face repeatedly because they love me.

Disdain fuckin’ loves Flab’s dessert! Ludo blahs about something but I can’t understand him and don’t care to rewind. Now for team Medical Hose. The judges enter and Tiff is blahing at another table. This isn’t gonna go well. Hopefully Danny Devito coming on board as a waiter will lighten the mood.

Marcel wants more communication from Pigshit, so Pigshit farts out “go away.” That was actually impressive. The judges are already pissed off because this place seems way unorganized and Tiffany’s nasally laugh is too loud. Tom says she seems super fake. Disdain has liked all the food he’s eaten so far, but he has something to hate now so he’s finally smiling.

Delicious.

Tiff comes to their table and Scar complains about being hungry. Tiff squeals away, scaring the table. HAHAHAH. If I hung out with Tiffany, I would do my best to never, ever say anything funny. If she laughed in my face like that I’d throw a fork at her. I think Daddy feels the same way right now.

The poor sloppy egg yolk is out first. It makes me sad for all the unborn baby chickens we consume in this country.

Angelo was stressed out today, so he’s just serving cellulite.

No one’s liking the egg, and they’re not impressed with cellulite either. The real people disagree, though, and like it so far. Except this a-hole, who condescendingly lectures Tiff about wanting a warmed plate. Listen here, Groucho. You’re in a member’s only jacket. Please don’t speak.

Tiff warns the chefs that there was a complaint about a cold plate, so Marcel suggests putting the dishes on the grill. Pigshit doesn’t like that. Marcel’ll do it anyway, so “just keep working, k?” I don’t think Monkey was trying to be bitchy there, cuz when he’s going for attitude he does it in gangsta rap style. Pigshit chooses now to lose his cool, though, and tells Marcel to watch how he’s tawkin to him. Angelo calms him down and tells us that if this was his restaurant he would have sent Pigshit home right then and there and then added some grape jelly to all his dishes just for fun. “I’m here to support our captain, Marcel!” I can never tell if Angelo is kidding or not.

First out is monkey’s monkfish, tumor, and spit foam.

You might wanna have a doctor take a look at that.

Pigshit’s pork and octopus is next. It hates girls.

The monkfish was mushy. Or as Disdain puts it, “It’s fuckin baby food!” No one even takes pity on the poor plate for having a tumor. Where has human decency gone? The real people love it, though. Daddy loves Pigshit’s. Who cares? Let’s get back to the fight!

Marcel is accusing Pigshit of “sandbagging” his monkfish. Pigshit argues that putting it on the grill way too early isn’t sandbagging. LOL. Well, it came out like fuckin baby food, so yeah. Yeah it is. Angelo tells them to stop fighting cuz it’s affecting the mood of the team. Marcel tells him to stfu and get back to work. HAHAHA. If Marcel falls down, don’t help him up or he’ll get mad at you. Just kick him. I know it sounds odd, but trust me. It’s the right thing to do.

Antonia’s gnudi and oxtail is next. I hope for her sake that no one thinks of Antonia nudie during this, or she’s out.

Mike and Angelo’s lamb chop follows. The sauce makes it look moldy. This team can’t catch a break.

Antonia’s gnudi is good texturally but stanky in the taste department, and Scar thinks it’s too salty. In the back, Marcel is pissing Antonia off and she’s giving him the hand. Meanwhile, he’s giving the judges his representation of birth. Sperm comes out and fights for the egg. It’s very natural. And gross.

Some gay real people are afraid of the green, and Disdain calls it “a perfect storm of fucking awfulness.” HA. He should write kitty posters.

You didn’t think I’d let you go a week without a kitty picture, did you? I’m not heartless.

Donna says that Bodega was head and shoulders above Etch, but the real people don’t necessarily seem to agree. When did the name get changed to Etch? What about Medical Compression Hose? I have to go back and think of all this differently now.

Marcel is trying to be positive and says that they all feel proud of their food. No one agrees. Antonia curses about something, but I can’t say what cuz it was all bleeped out. I think Pigshit’s face says it pretty well, though:

Vaginas are dumb.

Monkey says Antonia is a psycho Debbie Downer. Anyone disagree? Then let’s move on. She sticks to her guns and says Marcel is on drugs if he thinks they’re not about to walk into a shitstorm. In the holding tank, the mood is jovial. Scar ruins it by coming in and asking to see team wrEtch. Blaze is worried, which means we are treated to lots of sideways smirks. He’s gonna make Bell’s Palsy fashionable. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when you start seeing old lesbians with fauxhawks and sideways smirks you’ll know I was right. It’s a matter of time.

Flashbacks to other Restaurant Wars episodes. Dung2 hated his cuz he’s an ass and got eliminated, but Flabio loved it cuz, like today, he got to grease up and charm little old ladies instead of cooking. How is he not selling fragrances at Macy’s yet?

Angelo shows up at Judges’ Table all smiles, assuming his team won. Sorry! Sad horns. I hate that you had to learn this lesson today, sugar, but positive thinking doesn’t work. The only person that got rich from The Secret was the greedy lying bitch that wrote it.

They only got 17 out of 76 votes. Ouch. Antonia thinks she’s gonna keep herself safe by growing an additional neck, but parlor tricks don’t work here lady!

Marcel says there were a couple of bumps in the road and some last minute tweaks to dishes. And a crew that mutinied before they even left shore. Not that I blame the crew, necessarily. I run away from white rappers, too. They all admit that they were unorganized, and Antonia blames their failure on a lack of togetherness. Someone hug her! And then hit her, cuz that’s just stupid. I’ve never worked in a kitchen where people were loving. Sometimes it takes a pan to the head to get good food out. It was a lack of skillz, yo.

Daddy Tom wants someone to take responsibility for the horrible organization. Silence. They know his tricks by now, so he moves on. Angelo’s crudo wasn’t Mediterranean enough and too complicated, Pigshit’s food was too bland, Antonia’s gnudi was too salty, stinky, and according to Disdain, “a crushing blow.” The judges, and America, are just plain annoyed at monkey spit foam at this point. Sigh. The judges are shaking their heads at the chefs, I am shaking my head at the judges. You can cast twenty or so one trick ponies, but don’t complain when you only get twenty or so tricks.

They all hated his dessert, too, and Disdain calls it a thumb in the eye. Tiff’s food was a mess, and so was her front of the house work. She blames it on arguments on the line and a malformation in her breathing pipe that forces her to squeak like a whale coming up for air. Tom jumps right on the “arguments” part, as he does, and Tiff acts like it was an accident to bring it up. Riiight. She’s deflecting to start a Pigshit fight. She may have a grating horsey laugh but she still has a working brain. If ya can’t beat em, make em beat each other.

Pigshit tells the judges that Marcel was mad about his fish being overcooked, tried to cook it himself, and Antonia said no, which ended the argument. Marcel gets defensive. He rolls his head around and starts rapping about how Pigshit moves like a snail. Pigshit gets pissed and blames Marcel for not being able to do two things at once. Angelo nods in agreement to stick it to Marcel nonverbally. Then Pigshit is a little too angry, as he gets when he’s skerd. He shouts that monkey is a ticking time bomb. Marcel wiggy wiggys and does the running man.

Antonia jumps in on Pigshit’s side, Tiff does too, and Angelo says it was a big shit show. Tiff laughs at that, which pisses off Scar. She dismisses them like they’re attractive twenty year olds trying to get into her bed.

You can stay.

Bodega is brought in and congratulated. The judges loved it all the way through. Dung takes leader credit, but Beeker gives it to Blaze and the team agrees. HAHAH. Flab’s front of house was good and so was his cheesecake. Tre was great and delicious! Not too salty now. Things mysteriously change from dining to judging on this show all the time so let’s just pretend that didn’t happen. The winner is Blaze! For some reason this has made him think of being a bottom again.

Stop with the “ow” face. You won!

In alone time, Judges repeat themselves. Tom is goin off on Tiffany’s service, but they should save that for the inevitable Top Waiter. Meanwhile, we get to watch a fly crawl over Disdain’s jacket, which is pretty much how I imagine him at all times. Dude, we get it. You’re older and that doesn’t mean you can’t be a rebel! Still, take a batch once in awhile.

Unfortunately, Tiff’s food sucked, too. The chefs are brought back in and Daddy tells them they all failed miserably. And…..Monkey’s OUT!!! Woah. I didn’t see that coming. He deserves it as the horrible team leader and all, but I figured the producers might have let him slide for his rapping skillz.

Marcel says that the only mistake he made was picking the wrong team. Cuz the right team would have told him his food was horrible, his spit foam was hack, and his Aqua Net was suffocating? Dumbass. No one cheers when they hear he’s out, which is kinda amazing. Pigshit even says that monkey’s a nice kid and just needs to learn to talk to people. Huh? Marcel says he is the most notorious, diabolical chef in TC history, but he’s also the most misunderstood. HAHAHHAHAH. I think we understand you just fine, Notorious.

Next week, J-Mo is back! Also, something to do with real live Italians. Flabio will make it another week. Lucky greasy bastard. Thanks for being here!