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Tuesday, February 15, 2011
12:27 am
91 Comments
Tagged: 70's, arrogant assholes with awful haircuts, BlazeHawk, bravo, competition, food, food porn, funny, Gail Simmons, gay fondue parties, giant nostrils, J-Mo, jimmy fallon, padma lakshmi, reality, recap, Richard Blais is an entitled ass, Sexist Pigshit, show, spoof, swinger orgy, tom colicchio, top chef, TV, tvgasm
Hey all you groovy cats and kittens! Did you all enjoy your Super Bowl weekends? I just found out who was playing yesterday. Clearly I’m a huge fan of football player’s asses and really, that goes way back to when i was a kid. My dad would watch every game he could and scare the shit out of me by screaming at the TV at random moments, which gave me a good case of Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder by the time I was five, and the only thing that would soothe me would be to watch at least an hour of figure skating (or Bewitched). So it’s my dad’s fault I’m gay. KIDDING! I blame both my parents equally. Nevertheless, I did my best to bond with my dad over something that was obviously important to him… so when I noticed that some of the games he watched had actual names, like the Fiesta Bowl in Phoenix, the Orange Bowl in Miami, and the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans, I thought it was a pretty good question to ask him where they played the Toilet Bowl. I was just trying to sound interested, I didn’t mean to make him start crying. In any case, now that the regular Super Bowl is over with, it’s time to start gearing up for the GAY Super Bowl later this month (a.k.a. the Oscars) and I’m hoping things work out so I can watch the show with Flipit and some other gay friends. Wait, why am I talking so much about gay stuff and not Top Chef? Well, I have to say, this week’s episode was full of a lot of highs and lows, the highs being the challenge outcomes… and the lows mostly belonging to Sexist Pigshit and his everfucking ignorant ass mouth. He annoyed me so much this week that I started feeling like I want to revert to my former fiery days as a militant gay… and we all know there is nothing worse than a militant homosexual…
for one thing, militancy makes us want to design our own uniforms
Yes, I’m sure that now you’re all imagining how I would look in each of those outfits (to be truthful, I really like the blue sequined chaps). You’re welcome for any appetite suppression/weight loss that may ensue. In any case, this episode starts off on a note of irritation, as the now Lunch Tray-less chefs gather in the Bitchin’ Bar and Dung v2.0 calls out (completely unscripted) for everyone to condragulate LowFatSo on her win, which is sorta sweet of him to be asked by the producers to do, since barely any of them bothered to congratulate her last episode. Why do I say this is only sorta sweet of him?…
cuz this is his face while he’s doing it
Poor Dungy 2′s totally crushed that Lorraine Bracco called his food bland, it makes him feel like shit. Yeah, I’m dry-eyed, too. You know what really sucks? Winning an elimination challenge and having everybody treat you like you’re the asshole for beating them. For example, FahBeeOh just can’t let go of losing THE ITALIAN CHALLENGE, and keeps badgering LowFatSo to explain how she made her mussels, because naturally he still insists that it was a French dish. “Yoo doan sairve faynell weet mossel een Eedalee!”, he whines…
as he keeps taking bigger and bigger bites of his asshole sandwich
I guess FahBeeOh is some kind of italiano omnisciento who knows exactly how every single Italian in all of Italy has ever made their mussels since the dawn of time. Or a really bitter-ass sore loser. What is he hoping to accomplish anyhow? Does he want them to award him the win based on some kind of pseudo-technicality (that he made up in his own mind) and take away LowFatSo’s big prize purse full of nothing? Because that’s exactly what she won. Along with a giant helping of his prickish derision.
She is rightfully annoyed at him continuing to question her, and I don’t think she’s wrong for spitting it right back at him: “Tell me about your ‘Italian mussels’… what, do you speak softly to them?” Then she turns on Sexist Pigshit and asks him how it feels to be Italian and wind up on the bottom of the Italian Challenge. BWAHAHAHAHA! This must have stung Sexist, especially knowing that the winning chef had biological breasts and not just moobs, so this is his whipcrack comeback…
oooh, owie
Original to the core, that’s our SexPig. LowFatSo rightfully calls him a sore loser, and the only credit I will give him this entire episode is that he admits it (unlike FahBeeOh). And I immediately give him a giant debit when she also points out he’s the only person who didn’t congratulate her on her win and he admits that, too… but doesn’t bother to rectify it…
so she gets a free pass to make fuckyouface
The next day they arrive at the Top Chef Kitchen to find only a smiling Scar…
wearing a deflated inner tube and ready to get hammered
Ah, but there are also big silver fondue pots on the table, which makes BlazeHawk think of bell bottoms and heels and being naked (!)… he is certain that his parents went to “nude fondue parties” in the 70′s…
great, only BlazeHawk could find yet another way (besides his hair) to embarrass his folks
I have already outlined in the About Last Night why naked fondue parties are an extraordinarily bad idea, and here’s another reason why they would have never happened: naked butts + the Harvest Gold™ colored vinyl kitchen chairs everyone had = sticky butt sweat × nausea. I know he was just joking, but I think I can safely say that (besides Sexist Pigshti) he is the last cast member any of us want to imagine naked, so he should stop.
Scar says for their QuickFire Challenge, they are going to be asked to make fondue, which FahBeeOh helpfully explains “eez a pod ohv boileeng sommtheeng yoo koook eet een, orr yoo juzz flavoor weetheet anyoo eedeet oudov a steek.” Goddit? She goes on to say that it isn’t the 70′s and they’re not looking for bananas dipped in chocolate, they want the chefs to be creative and make something unique that utilizes the fondue technique. Such as nudity. Ew.
Even more hysterical is when she teases them into asking who today’s guest judge is, and tells them to “look around”…
why does FahBeeOh think the guest judge would be in the corner of the ceiling?
Maybe he thinks Jesus loves fondue. No, instead, Scar says that the chefs themselves will be the judges of each other’s food, which makes them all feel stupid for actually looking around the room. LowFatSo is immediately suspicious of this judging method (rightfully so, considering her low popularity with some of the others) and is afraid people aren’t going to be honest about how they really feel about the food itself. Duh.
Scar clarifies they’ll each taste all the others dishes and vote for their most- and least-favorites. They can’t vote for themselves, and there is no more immunity (FahBeeOh brags that he made it through his season without ever winning immunity, which just says to me that he never won a QuickFire) but the winner will get a prize of a 3 day trip to Napa Valley! Poor LowFatSo is just salivating at the thought, since she’s not won any cash or prizes. And their 30 minutes starts…
Right away Sexist Pigshit tells us he was born in the 70′s, “I don’t really know too many people who have gone to these gay fondue parties…”
and where is Captain UltraGay when we need him to swish along and smite some asshat in the head with his Power-Dildo?
I get it that SexPig isn’t referring to fondue parties hosted by actual gay people, he means “gay” as a stand-in for the words “stupid”, “useless” or “uncool”, and that kind of casual ignorant slur (equating gay with negative things) is even more infuriating to me, because I hear it all the time. And make no mistake, I correct people every time I do. If something is annoying, demeaning or just plain fucked-up, then please, SAY THAT…. don’t make my second-class citizenship any more dehumanizing and painful than it already is. End of rant.
In any case, Sexist Pigshit says fondue isn’t his style of food (we get that, all he does is Greek food) so he’s going to do what he always does and try to hammer the square fondue peg into his well-worn round Greek hole. Which, by the way, is how gay people used to refer to anal sex in the bygone days of the printed personal ads (“GR A” meant Greek Active, or you were a top, while “GR P” meant Greek Passive, i.e. you were a bottom, and “GR A/P” meant you supposedly did both, but we all knew that really meant you were still pretty much a bottom). However, I would also like to point out that it was not used as a slur against actual Greek people. More like a loving homage.
Anyhow, let’s move on and see what BlazeHawk is up to…
still trying to freeze his nuts off
Christmas on a freeze-dried cracker, does this guy ever do anything without fucking liquid nitrogen? Doesn’t repeated exposure to that shit cause cancer or bad haircuts or something? Even better still, Blazey’s decided to do the exact thing that Scar said they didn’t want… bananas dipped in chocolate. He’s convinced that he’s going to be able to “spin it in a way that people haven’t seen before”. Well, he’s sorta right, you can hardly ever see anything through all those liquid nitrogen fumes. Also, even *I* have made frozen bananas dipped in melted chocolate before (even though I just used the freezer part of a plain old Frigidaire to make ‘em) so I guess I’m just as awesome as BlazeHawk.
ChesTiffany’s making fritters and seems dubious that the fondue craze ever even caught on in The South, because she’s certainly never heard of it. Then again, she’s only 26, so I’m not surprised. I love how these people make these sweeping statements about various geographical regions (FahBeeOh with Eedalee, ChesTiff with The South) when for all they know there could be great big fat gay naked fondue parties going on two towns over where they serve mussels with fennel as a side dish and call them “Italian food”…
she prolly doesn’t know what “key parties” were, either, and I bet those still go on in Beaumont
Speaking of annoying Italian things, FahBeeOh’s blatting on about skiing in north Eedalee and stopping for oysters and caviar with fondue, so he’s making what look like tiny little pancakes. I’m not sure what that has to do with oysters and caviar, but that’s what he’s doing. Dung v2.0 is also using his Southeast Asian heritage and decided to make a Vietnamese phở… or as he calls it: “phoooooo-ndue”…
phoooooo-nee
Meanwhile, OranJello is concerned with departing from his usual Asian influences, he really wants to show the other chefs he’s more well-rounded than that, so he’s decided to go the route of deconstructing a beet and goat-cheese endive salad. He appears to be frantically preparing his food while Sexist Pigshit dickishly laughs at him and claims he’s calling OranJello, BlazeHawk and Dung v2.0 to be on the bottom. I guess he’s pretty confident in his attempt to make an astonishingly Greek fondue, which consists of (oh boy) spiced lamb kabobs with feta cheese, how unique and original…
phoooooo-ckyou
Poor OranJello, as time runs out he realizes he took on way too much stuff and wound up only 3/4ths finished with his dish. “I want to throw this out.” he says. Ah well, Scar knows how to make everything better…
with booze
They start out with BlazeHawk’s “chocolate bananas in a new way…”
a.k.a. superfrozen turds on a plate
Well, he is different from the other chefs in that instead of putting something hot in the fondue pot, he put something super-cold, which he warns everybody about, but not before Scar complains that her tongue just got stuck to the nanaturd…
you guys have no idea how hard it was for me to resist photoshopping an old man penis into this picture
It’s a good thing they started with Blazey’s crap, that way they can burn out their palates for the other seven dishes. BlazeHawk rationalizes that “eating should be somewhat dangerous sometimes!” Um, no, eating is supposed to keep you alive…
not make you look like you just blazed up a blunt
ChesTiffany goes next and offers up her rather desserty dish…
those fondue pots look disturbingly like steel anuses
Or would that be anii? I dunno, anyhow, BlazeHawk immediately snots that ChesTiff’s dish is just a “big clunky donut dipped into chocolate sauce” and thereby declares it “pedestrian”. Presumably because it didn’t have toxic vapors wafting off of it. Scar’s dripping chocolate everywhere, which gives SexPig an immediate erection and he says that she’s gettin’ dirty and that her eating drippy chocolate could be a soft-core porn commercial…
yes, for teeth whitening
Gross. Next up is OranJello’s weird saladeconstruction…
this will not whiten your teeth
This is another one of his creations that has specific instructive steps for how to eat it, and he seems really embarrassed by the whole dish. Dung v2.0 is a mite puzzled by how complicated it all is…
awwww, fonduetoomuch?
Then we get Beaker’s offering…
awwww, dim sum!
That certainly sounds better than tiny soggy rice noodle penises. BlazeHawk comments on how tender the beef is. Because it came from tenderloin. Things are suddenly awkward and I don’t know why. Let’s move on to Dung v2.0′s pho-ndue…
what the hell is on that bait-plate, worms?
Beaker says mmm and that it smells good, but BlazeHawk’s face is saying less than complimentary things…
now this is the real fondue experience
KIDDING! He just burnt the shit out of his mouth. Prolly because he’s had too much liquid nitrogen crap to eat. And speaking of crap, here’s Sexist Pigshit’s snoozer…
fondon’t
LowFatSo immediately tells us she doesn’t like SexPig’s, “If Mikey doesn’t have lamb and Moroccan spice he doesn’t know what to do with himself.” Word. LoFat’s Jewish Delifood is next…
yay, a great big bowl of schmear
Beaker calls it clever, and OranJello accidentally dropped his salmon chunk into the cheese, but he still thinks it’s very tasty. Last in line is FahBeeOh, who explains those little pancakes he was making are billini and therefore totally authentic Italian food…
is he kissing up to Dis-Dain by using his wine?
As everybody skewers a pancake and dips it into the cheese sauce they begin to make meh faces and Fabster immediately makes the excuse that the billini is supposed to be eaten hot, but since he went last they are a leedle cold. Boofuckinhoo.
Sexist Pigshit starts to kiss up to Scar, marveling at how “tough” her job is going to be. HAHAHA, he still doesn’t get it, SCAR ISN’T DECIDING THIS ONE, STUPID! She just smiles and hands them all their ballots to fill out. Here’s where BlazeHawk’s ego makes it’s full-boogie-tilt-grand-entrance: “I feel like my dish is a winner if there was a judge that wasn’t my competitors. I think there’s a little bit of intimidation in the fact that I know how to do certain things that other people don’t. It’s gonna be hard for me to win that vote.” You know, I see his lips are moving, but all I’m hearing is…
blah blah blah liquid nitrogen rules blah blah blah frozen crap blah blah blah I should have won Season 4 blah blah blah fauxhawks are still cool, right?
That’s actually a pretty clever strategy for fooling yourself, just tell yourself everyone is intimidated by you and that’s why they won’t vote for your awesomely amazing and teeth-chipping frofood. I’m not saying he’s not talented, I’m just saying that there should be more to fine food than chemicals. There should also be a crispy crust made of crunched up Ruffles potato chips somewhere in every dish. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.
LowFatSo is cringing at the fact that everyone’s name is on their ballots, she was hoping to hate in secret, I guess. Dung v2.0, on the other hand, says he’s gonna be dead honest, and to show how authentic he is he makes a few DJ-ing wikki-wikki moves and says “I’ma be like a New York Times reviewer up in dis bitch!” Yes, we all know by now that Top Chef is Dung v2.0′s bitch, got it? Meanwhile he’s begging OranJello to have voted for him. What a fuckin weenie.
Scar collects the ballots and delivers the bad news that FahBeeOh, ChesTiffany and Sexist Pigshit are the least favorites amongst their peers. SexPig’s face is priceless…
awesome, now you can say you suck at Greek food, too
Then Scar does something awesome, she totally calls out Dung v2.0 in front of everyone as having put Sexist Pigshit’s dish as the worst and wants him to explain exactly why. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!…
not so gangsta up in dis bitch now, huh, wannabee?
In his private interview he has no problem at all telling us how he thinks SexPig’s dish was flat-out bad, but to his face he’s much more circumspect, stuttering that the spice blend didn’t work with the cheese so well. Even funnier is that Sexist calls him a “fucking monkey“. Not to his face, mind you, but from the safety of his interview. I think he was afraid of getting punched in the eye. Or maybe in the moob, cuz that’s all the higher Dung v2.0 can reach.
ChesTiffany’s pissed, too, she believes there were other dishes worse than hers. Interesting that she didn’t say hers was better than anyone else’s, though. In any case, the favorites were LowFatSo’s, Dung v2.0′s… and OranJello’s! He is totally shocked and pleased, and instead of getting all puffed up with pride that he fooled everybody into thinking his dish turned out the way he meant for it to, he says he knows he could have done better. This means that BlazeHawk landed with a dull thud right in the meh-middle…
wah
He can’t help but bitch: “I didn’t get a lot of love in this challenge. I think that stylistically I’m so different from everyone else that’s here. I think they’re a little bit scared.” I think he’s giving himself far too much credit for serving frozen things time after time and should maybe concentrate on making a dish that’s actually tasty rather than weird. I also think he’s kind of a whiny dickbag who’s getting angry that the other chefs seem to be far more concerned with how Dung v2.0 and OranJello are cooking, hahaha…
Anyhow, the winner of the Napa Valley trip to go get drunk at the Terlato winery is Dung v2.0, who stays pretty quiet and just smiles upon hearing this. I think he’s afraid SexPig will snap his neck if he overcelebrates. Let’s find out about the Elimination Challenge. Scar says it’s a very special treat and I fell even deeper in love when Beaker makes this face directly to the camera…
yes, girl, we also know that means you’re about to get fucked with
Scar tells them to head to Rockefeller Center. Thankfully she didn’t say “in your TOYOTA SIENNAS” or I would have been tempted to throw my TV on the floor. They pull up to the NBC Studio’s entrance and as they are guided through the hallways everyone is claiming complete ignorance of what it is they’re about to do…
wouldn’t it have been hysterical if some PA made a mistake and guided them to the Dr. OZ show instead?
No, they are actually guests on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! How cool! Beaker goes totally batshit nuts over it…
or Juanita and Ronda each twisted a nipple
LowFatSo is kinda freaking out, she’s not sure if they’re going to be asked to cook on stage, she keeps looking around for pots and pans and chef jackets and Daddy Tom. I am gonna hafta kinda call bullshit on this feigned ignorance, I don’t believe they had no clue they were going on TV at all, I mean, look at how some of them dressed…
oh, if only Cupcake Death™ really would take SexPig from us
J-Fal is going to have them all play a game called “Cell Phone Shootout” where they will use their cell phone cameras to take pictures of a TV screen that will have rapidly flipping photos of various dishes…
such as this bowl of gay ramen
…and whatever they wind up taking a picture of will be one of J-Fal’s favorite dishes that they will have to make him for his birthday lunch. Wait, J-Fal still likes ramen? Oh yes, he loves ramen, burgers & fries, chicken pot pie, Philly cheesesteak sammiches…
guess I’m a little shocked Spaghetti-O’s didn’t make the list
They’re going up in pairs, starting with LowFatSo and FahBeeOh… and immediately LowFatSo’s phone snags her the one non-easy dish, which is beef tongue. Outwardly she plays it pretty cool, but on the inside she’s full of little poopy butterflies sloshing about because she has no idea how to even cook beef tongue…
err, did I say she played it cool? I meant insane
Her mood is not improved when she sees that the Fabster snagged a hamburger and french fries… or as he calls it, a hamboogair… as in “I nayvur donna boogair… boogair… burgers, I caneevain pronounze daym!” That’s funny, he just did…
oh Snapple: Busted Fake-Accent Flavor!
The rest of the chefs take their turn, and OranJello lands pulled pork sammich, while BlazeHawk gets the gay ramen. Dung v2.0 lands the Philly Cheesesteak and ChesTiffany scores what J-Fal calls “chicken’n'dumps”, which sounds more like an anal condition (blech). SexPig gets to make a sausage and pepper sammich, and Beaker? Well, Beaker said she was hoping to get chicken pot pie… and she gets MUTHACHICKEN POT PIE!!!…
and she is so excited even Bravo can’t get a non-blurry screenshot of her
Beaker is so overcome that she can barely breathe as she giggles and screams and tells J-Fal that just yesterday she was talking to ChesTiff and LowFatSo about making chicken pot pie! It’s like destiny! Or kismet! Fate, even! You know, I am one of the most jaded people to ever clap eyes on a reality tv show, and even *I* was smiling watching her.
J-Fal’s sidekick Higgins tells the chefs they’ll shop tonight at Whole Paycheck Market and have 2 hours on the following day to cook at Colicchio & Sons (Daddy Tom’s restaurant formerly known as Craftsteak) before J-Fal’s b-day party. He also tells them that J-Fal hates mushrooms, mayo and eggplant. Also, his entire family will be joining them for lunch, too.
Shopping montage, Beaker’s super-confident, LowFatSo has a crush on J-Fal, Dung v2.0 is nervous because East Coast people know what good Philly Cheesesteak tastes like, so he’s decided to tweak the formula by putting the meat and cheese on a pretzel baguette, which actually sounds kinda good to me. Or maybe I’m just ravenous on my new diet and deep-fried shitballs would sound good at this point. Anyhow, also fucking with the formula is FahBeeOh, who instead of just making a beef patty has decided to combine ground shortribs and ground brisket into the ground chuck mix, and says he’s going to treat it like a meatball. You know, for someone who is so devoted to upholding the national culinary purity of cherished Italian Dishes, he sure likes to play it fast and loose with everything else, doesn’t he? What’s the Italian word for “hypocrite”?
Back at their loft, it’s time for a commercial dinner…
dear Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
I would like to completely skip this part of the show, but I have say that BlazeHawk does some more whining about how he “didn’t really think through the pain or the personal embarrassment that were to come if I didn’t win my season of Top Chef… so now I have to win or else this season wasn’t successful!”…
dear Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
I truly and honestly cannot believe the size of the balls (and sheer ego) on this spiky-haired fuckwit. There are a hundred and two other people who have also lost their seasons of Top Chef (eleven of them have lost out on it twice now) and yet Blazey somehow thinks he is far more deserving of this title than any of them? *snort* “…I have to win or else this season wasn’t successful…” What an entitled asshat. I am going to venture a pretty good guess that the sun will still come up if the BlazeHawk isn’t crowned the next Top Chef. I also think there’s going to be some rejoicing across the land as well, because this guy’s likeability has sunk lower than Heidi Montag’s…
though still not as low as Sexist Pigshit’s when he wears low-rise jeans
The next day they’ve reached Colicchio & Sons kitchen to start their 2 hours of prep time, and OranJello’s realizing that he’s been drifting from his strengths, which are his ability to coax strange flavors into harmony with one another, so he’s making a blend of coffee, allspice and chipotle for his pulled pork “I know it sounds really gross, but I think it’s good.” If it were anybody else I would think they were making a huh-yooge mistake, but then I remember that this is the guy who threw white chocolate in with fish and wound up in the winner’s circle, so I’ll shut up now.
LowFatSo isn’t quite as confident as she’s hacking up her beef tongue and trying to figure out how to cook it. Conventional wisdom says this kind of thing normally takes 4 to 5 hours, but she doesn’t have that much time so BlazeHawk is actually helping her learn how to use the pressure cooker to get it done faster. This in turn pisses off Sexist Pigshit, number one because BlazeHawk is speaking to a fallopian-bearer, and number two because Blazey isn’t helping him with his sausages…
you know what they say about people who like to make and play with large phallic objects?
I’ve read that for every thirty pounds you lose, you gain another inch below the belt. Not sure how that translates for women, though… are shorter vaginas considered desirable? Anyhow, SexPig’s delusions run incredibly deep as he complains about BlazeHawk: “I think Richard gives too much information, everyone asks him questions then they execute it correctly and then they’re in the winner’s circle for it! When there’s $200,000.00 on the line I can’t risk someone doing a better dish than me because I’m helping them!”…
uhh, name me one person who has ever asked you for help on a dish, please
What’s even more hypocritical about this is the fact that we immediately cut to him feeding bits of his sausage and peppers to OranJello and asking for his opinion (which is a form of helping someone)! He says he’s making his sausage and peppers “Fenway style” which apparently involves slicing them very thinly and bitching a lot about what other people are doing.
Let’s move on to Dung v2.0, who’s still treading carefully around his Philly Cheesesteak… he’s feeling unsure about his seasoning, especially since he got reamed in the last challenge for making bland pancetta, he doesn’t want to underseason anything again. Hmmm, I wonder why they showed us that segment?
ChesTiffany’s also not feeling so hot, she’s been in the top, the bottom, the middle, sideways, upside-down…”A ‘good mess‘ is what we call it!” she says. Speaking of mess, she’s messing with the “chicken’n'dumps” (still ew) recipe because her family makes it with a more southwestern flava. I’m sure that’ll work out well for her, right? People don’t mind if you fuck with their favorite dishes a little (or a lot), right? Right??
RIGHT??!?!?
Now we get to see how foofy-haired Beaker is doing. She says she’s nervous because she acted “a complete fool” on J-Fal’s show about landing chicken pot pie, but she’s never made it in 2 hours. She is doing an awful lot of shrieking and woo-ing and consulting with spirit guides Juanita and Ronda…
who have clearly failed to point out to her that her tray looks like total crap
Up in the dining room, Daddy Tom, Gail Simmons (in a not-fug dress combo!) and Scar arrive. Scar makes a beeline for and immediately hits on J-Fal’s dad. Think I’m kidding?…
check the back-off-bitch-look on Mama Fallon’s face
Then J-Fal shows up with his wife Nancy, and we see that his sister Gloria (Junior?) is also there, along with his head-writer from Late Night (A.D. Miles) and Sideshow Bob Higgins. They’re all giggling and sharing Top Chef tales… I would love it if Daddy Tom would tell the one about the special dinner Season Two did for Jennifer Coolidge where they served grainy Pepto-Bismol colored soup. Meanwhile the chefs down below are sweating out their final minutes on the clock. FahBeeOh is super-proud of his fucked-up humboogair and has decided that an extra-cool touch would be to melt the cheddar cheese separately and serve it on the side to let the diner add it to the boogair as they like. Clearly he does not understand hamburgers. At all…
and he’s lived here how long??!?!?
SexPig tells the Fabster to his face that he’s done a great job, but behind his back he thinks the whole “cheese sauce on the side” thing is weird. This is the only time I’m going to agree with anything that’s come out of his fat yap this entire episode. And now I’m done.
Meanwhile, LowFatSo has taken her beef licker out of the pressure cooker and tried some, proclaiming it to be wonderful tasting, “I said I’m gonna work with it, I’m gonna figure it out, and I did!” Um, yes, sorta, with BlazeHawk’s help, don’t forget that. Otherwise you’d prolly be sitting there with a blackened on the outside raw on the inside hunk of bovine french kissing equipment. Anyhow, the touch that is hers, is her “play on a deli sammich”, and she’s the first to serve…
either the plate is super-huge or this is the diet portion
Seriously, there are like 12 people at that table, and that hunk of beef tongue was the size of Sexist Pigshit’s imaginary penis, why has she been so stingy with it? Oh well, next we have FahBeeOh’s treepool-blaynd-boogair…
weet hommed-uh peeckool an paypurz-uh
The Fabster makes sure to mispronounce “boogair” a few more times until J-Fal notices and tells him he likes the way he says “boogair”. FahBeeOh’s reaction to the acknowledgement of his (so-called fake-ass) heavy accent is even more amazing…
pretty sure J-Fal is immune to your schmaltzy overacted Italian “charm”, so why are you winking at him like you’re gonna bone later?
Well, he did say earlier in the episode that he “lahv Jeemee Fallown”, maybe he means that in a literal sense? I dunno, let’s see what they think of having boogairs. The first thing J-Fal notices is the cheese sauce on the side, and he seems a tad puzzled by it…
much like we were all puzzled by this
Anyhow, Sideshow Bob Higgins exclaims what a good burger it is, and Daddy Tom’s immediate response is “You think so?” in a tone that matches the one you would use for the question “You like to eat runny cat shit?” LOL, Daddy. J-Fal says it’s very different, “I mean, it’s almost like a meatloaf-ish type of thing.” Daddy Fallon agrees on both taste and texture, and Gail complains “there wasn’t that juiciness that I wanted when i bit into my burger.” Daddy Tom declares he is not a fan, doesn’t like it, and the “cheese stuff is just… pretty gross”. Mamma mia! J-Fal tries to be kind and say it was nice to have the option of cheese or no cheese, and Daddy says something weird about if Jimmy rubbed it all over his head and stuck it between bars he’d hate it, too. Huhwha?
Ahhhh, apparently this is the story of why J-Fal hates mayonnaise. He was playing in his backyard one day and pushed his head through the bars of an iron fence railing, where he got stuck, and Gramma Fallon suggested they slather his head with mayonnaise to slick it up enough to slide it back out again…
fascinating mayo trauma story
Ummmm, ok, let’s hear what they thought of LowFatSo’s beef tongue. J-Fal liked it, and says it was really the only curveball on the menu, and yet LowFatSo “knocked it out of the park”. Gail agrees, saying all the components tasted wonderful together. Headwriter A.D. pipes up to say, “She licked the challenge!”, which goes over like a lead balloon and explains exactly why I never watch J-Fal’s show. Plus it conflicts with everything on Bravo and RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Back in the kitchen, ChesTiffany’s excited for her non-traditional “chicken’n'dumps” and believes it’s “frickin’ flavorful“! It looks frickin’ soupy. BlazeHawk, on the other hand, appears to have made a pretty straightforward bowl of ramen, and says he’s nervous because it’s so rare for him to be trying to present a dish that’s so authentic… “but it’s really important to me to show that I don’t need a helmet, 40 pounds of dry ice and a flamethrower to make my food exciting!”…
“…even though that stuff is the crutch I lean on almost every other time!”
Well, here’s the non-frozen, non-flaming result…
non-interesting
His bowl of bluh is followed by ChesTiffany’s bowl of whuh?…
where are the damned dumps?
They start digging into Blazey’s ramen, and Daddy Fallon says it’s good and he likes how the egg was cooked. But J-Fal says he was expecting a smoke machine and lasers, and thinks instead of a home-run, BlazeHawk bunted. As for ChesTiff’s dish, someone immediately starts calling it “chicken dump”, LOL! J-Fal’s mother-in-law likes the lime flavoring, but it’s too spicy for J-Fal’s palate. Gee, if only ChesTiffany had, you know, paid attention to what the other favorite dishes were, she might have already surmised this! Headwriter A.D. calls it “tortilla soup with dough noodles in it”. Ruh-roh.
Next in line is Beaker and her fabulous two-hour chicken pot pie…
fuck you Swanson’s, Beaker’s in da houuuuuse!
You can tell she is completely confident in that pie, which makes Dung v2.0 all the more tentative in the introduction of his Pretzelsteaks…
it does not help that they look slightly jizzed-on
Everybody seems excited to try the sammich, and to be fair, I think the preztel roll sounds tasty… but as everyone starts biting into it, the silence grows uncomfortable until Mama Fallon says the steak is very tender. J-Fal says the presentation is awesome, and he thought it was going to be the greatest sammich of his life… “but then the salt monster attacked me!” Gail’s really liking the onions and hot sauce in it, but yeah, it was way too salty, everybody agrees on that. Poor Dung v2.0!
Then they begin to dig into Beaker’s ChickPoPie, and the compliments start flying! Headwriter A.D. didn’t know there was such a thing as “pea salt”, but it’s super-tasty, someone else loves the sage in the mix, someone else loves how this is comfort food at it’s best. Scar turns to Daddy and asks “Tom, what do you think of Carla’s pot pie?” and without even looking at her he snaps “Too busy eating….” which earns a roar of approval from the others at the table. Eventually he finishes and says Beaker totally delivered and it was just great. J-Fal can’t stop eating it…
just like he can’t stop eye-fucking Scar
Give it up, Jimmy… you need several million more dollars (and wrinkles) before you’ll even begin to make Scar’s nipples erect. We cut to back in the kitchen where Dung v2.0 is tasting it and telling Beaker that it’s really great, too.
Last in line tonight are OranJello and Sexist Pigshit, starting with OranJello’s pulled pork half-sammich…
all it’s missing is some taro root, Velveeta and Pop Rocks
Also, The Citrus One is the master of describing all the other 5,346 ingredients he used along the way, finishing by saying he “glazed it in a luscious liquid”. It makes SexPig’s ham-fisted DUH-like description sound all the more clunky and graceless…
pukey red shit in a pan
SexPig tries to compete with OranJello by unnecessarily rolling the ‘r’ in “paprika” but it still doesn’t hold a candle to the poetic pornography that slips effortlessly from the slimmer man’s tongue. And the sammich gets good marks, too, with J-Fal calling it a home run. Daddy Tom is amazed by the flavor combinations in the sauce…
but in a good way
He is pleased at how “unexpected” the coffee and dill are together. Then J-Fal and Sideshow Bob Higgins start making “pulled pork” jokes (even *I* refrained from something that easy) and move on to Sexist Pigshit’s snausage and peppers dish. Gail loves the thin slicing of everything and how it soaked up the flavors in the pan. J-Fal’s sister (Gloria Junior) says Mama Fallon (Gloria Senior) makes sausage and peppers all the time, but this version is one she loves and really wants to eat…
“Hahaha, I’m having so much fun insulting you on TV!”
guess whose guest pass to The Late Show just got revoked?
Scar points out that Sideshow Bob Higgins “finished a lot of Mike’s sausage” and then they start in with more sad jokes about “liking sausage” = “homosexuality”, and jeez, I think Flipit and I had better adlibs in the damned podcast the other night! Anyhow, back in the kitchen SexPig is fishing for compliments on his sausage, so Dung v2.0 tries it…
or maybe just plays with it, cuz I don’t see him actually eating it
Now that lunch is over, J-Fal gets a birthday cake…
with an appropriate number of candles considering some of the humor they’ve engaged in today
After he thanks them for making him the “best birthday lunch evah”, he mentions that the winner will get to do a cooking segment on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon! Everyone oohs and ahhs over that and now it’s time for the chefs and judges to head back to the Stew Room and Judges’ Table, respectively.
Tonight’s vignette is about an article J-Fal once wrote for Food & Whine magazine in which they promised to publish any recipes of Gloria Senior’s that he wanted to include, so he called Mama Fallon and got a cheesecake recipe…. that she plucked from Food & Whine magazine. I could just die from laughing.
In the Stew Room, Beaker profusely thanks Dung v2.0 for reminding her to put her top crust on her pot pies…
cuz girlfriend almost forgot’em!
Sexist Pigshit is getting ready to make some kind of smart remark, but luckily spirit-guides Ronda and Juanita come to the rescue and shut him up…
by materializing their spirit boobs
Sadly, SexPig has a larger pair, and the two of them slink away in shame. Then Scar comes in and asks to see Beaker, OranJello and LowFatSo, whom we find out are the favorites! And you know, here’s another thing I love about OranJello… he is never jaded or cocky or blasé when he hears how much they have liked his food…
he’s just happy
Then J-Fal and Beaker bond over their shared love of bottom crust in pot pie…
this kind of love frightens The Citrus One a little with it’s intensity
I’m a little bit disappointed in LowFatSo that she’s still acting like she engineered her beef tongue all by herself, but I kinda forgive her when she, Beaker and OranJello break into “The Beef Tongue Song” and perform it for the judges…
beats “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing” by miles
Super cute, and then J-Fal says the person getting to be the guest on his show is…
OMFG!
I was laughing like a lunatic in my empty living room when I saw this, and this makes Beaker’s third Elimination win, she currently has more racked up than anyone else. Not only that, but she also gets a six-night trip to Tokyo, plus $5K for airfare! Wow, so she gets to go to Italy, Amsterdam and now Japan??!?!...
poor LowFatSo could just about puke from envy
Having learned her lesson about being too excited over winning when heading back into the Stew Room (thanks to that pissy little monkeyfucker TurkeyHair) Beaker calms down and quietly says “I won.” when she greets the other chefs. Then she tells ChesTiffany, Dung v2.0 and FahBeeOh that they are wanted for explanations. Meanwhile, having once again achieved middle-meh status, BlazeHawk takes this opportunity to get pissy about how excited everyone else is over Beaker’s third trip and third win. “I’m not intimidated… you don’t have to win until the end!”…
but you can be a bitter asshole the entire season!
Whatever, I’m so tired of Blazey’s sense of entitlement, I am now actively hoping he makes it to the finals again… and gets runner-up again. Let’s see how the butt-reaming is going back at Judges’ Table!
They start in on ChesTiffany, Daddy Tom says chicken’n'dumplings is supposed to be all about the dumplings, and hers were these weird flat things. She says she rolled them too thin, which is news to me, because I’ve actually made chicken’n'dumplings and not once did I ever have to roll anything out. I may have had to scrape them off the bottom of the pot towards the end, but they were never flat, just dense. Anyhow, it sounds like she’s aware she messed up, and J-Fal says he really wanted the gravy that goes with the dish, and is sorry that it wasn’t available in her version.
Next, we are about to discuss hamboogair. Scar accuses FahBeeOh of treating the hamburger patty more like a meatball (dingdingdingdingdingdingding!) and damn if his accent isn’t getting heavier and more ridonk by the second!… “I god chock, brizged, shorribs, zmokged porg bellee… jost beef-uh, I waz afrayeed-uh eet woodabee drayout-uh!” Gail says it missed the juicy beefiness you expect from a real hamburger, and J-Fal complains about it being too much like a meatloaf…
fog yoo Jeemee
Daddy Tom points out that the worst thing on the plate was the cheddar cheese sauce because it had a horrible grainy consistency. That happens if you use real cheddar cheese… which is why I always use Velveeta.
As for Dung v2.0, J-Fal brings up the Salt Monster again, and Dungy’s sad because he was so spooked from the last challenge because he underseasoned. Gail points out that the preztel-bread already had a bunch of salt on it, and that’s where he went wrong. Dung v2.0 actually apologizes for the mistake, which I think is actually quite gutsy, and which certain other competitors would never ever do (such as ones whose names rhyme with Lexus FigPit).
While they deliberate, I want to say that I watched Beaker’s appearance on J-Fal’s show, and it was pretty cute…
except for Beaker blending into the curtains
The only thing I didn’t like about it was that the entire segment was super-rushed, and he wound up making her speed through the last six steps of making the chicken pot pie…
she did, however, have time to make dough-boobs
Anyways, the chef that is going out in a blaze of curdled cheese and dry meatloafy boogair tonight is…
the ESL chef from hell
Fabster claims he’s as happy as he could possibly be (I’m sure) but is determined to one day make a boogair for Jeemee Follon that will make him get down on one knee and beg for forgiveness for coming on FahBeeOh’s show (!) and sending him home. Well at least he takes the time to say goodbye to everybody…
and make BlazeHawk really uncomfortable one last time
And there we are! What did you think of this episode? Was FahBeeOh the right choice to be sent home, or should ChesTiffany have gone for making chicken’n'dumplings with very little chicken and no dumplings? Or Dung v2.0 for serving salt licks? Could BlazeHawk really be so full of himself as to think the title of Top Chef is actually owed to him? And do you feel bad for LowFatSo not getting any good prizes (or any prizes at all for that matter)? And were you guys as WTF over Sexist Pigshit’s gay comment as I was? Not that I don’t expect such things from him, but the fact that he actually said it on tape is just amazing.
Next week, we will have muppets! Plus, I am doing American Idol, so keep an eye out and be patient. BTW, just wanted to say thanks to everybody who slogged through the podcast, I am so sorry about showing my giant nostrils every five seconds…
even Flipit finally got grossed out and had to look away
I will do better next time. In the meantime, thanks again for reading and for all the fabulous comment love, you guys are the best!
love, J-Mo
91 Comments
nice work, j-mo; makin’ your dad cry. my dad just didn’t sleep for 2 years worryin’ about me. on the bright side, he got real old and died. dad was smart.
“for one thing militancy makes us want to design our own uniforms”. if you’re wearing these for “don’t ask, don’t tell”, no one is really gonna need to ask.
i’m gonna stop now BUT…jesus LOVES fondue, and why would you think that the guest judge wouldn’t be in the corner of the ceiling? jesus is everywhere. jesus loves you and fondue too. “could jesus microwave a burrito so hot that HE HIMSELF could not eat it? just askin’?
“KEY PARTY”!!!!
I need to get one thing off my chest. Texas is not “The South” so Tiff needs to shut up about that. Yes, it is on the southern edge of the United States, but that is not what “The South” means. Every time she talks about that, it irks me. If she is actually from The South and just lives in Beaumont TX now, then ok, I’ll take it back. But until then… shut up, Tiff, and go make some fucking nasty southwestern dumpling mess, ok?
And Fabio? Bullshit you don’t know how to cook a hamburger. You should have been kicked off just for that lie alone. I’m glad it tasted like crap. You used to be charming. Now you are just Charmin. Yes, in other words, you are an asswipe.
I thought it was cool how Padma was able to laugh at herself during the fondue thing. She is often so serious on the show that I enjoyed the glimpse of her normal personality. I bet she would be fun to hang out with.
And isn’t Carla just the cutest thing? Her little dance about the chicken pot pie was absolutely adorable as was her excitement over winning the trip to Tokyo. But I died a little inside to have to see her extinguish her light when she entered the stew room to announce her win. It makes me hate those sore losers even more for doing that to her.
And lastly, I hate Theresa, Camille is an asshole and Blaze is a giant fauxhawked chemical wielding douchewad. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
I love Beaker’s enthusiasm. It’s just so genuine.
Angelo, Dale, and Carla are going to the finals!
I need to get that chicken pot pie recipe.
I know Isabella is an ass and I won’t excuse using the word gay in any derogatory sense because I agree with you, but if you want to see some real homophobia, go read Fabio’s most recent blog, where he thinks it’s funny to write about Angelo’s “camel toe” constantly and occasionally refers to him as Angela. Because get it? Angela’s a GIRL’S name. And Angelo isn’t a “real man” because he wears tight pants. God, that man is scum.
He even called out Ripert when Ripert pointed out in his blog that Antonia’s preparation was Sicilian, since fennel grows in Sicily.
I’m calling bullshit on the claim that mussels with fennel isn’t a Italian dish. I poked around the internet some and the few regional references I found to it were all Italian. Up yours, Pigshit and Fartbio!
I actually shuddered seeing that shot of Sexist P.S.’s own protruberant pork belly. Ooga-booga!
Loved the recap, as usual.
J-Mo Pig shit’s shirt is referring to muffin tops=death. So while it’s okay for him to look like the stay puffed marshmallow man fat women=death. But I think that may have to do with us women folk having no value in this world other than to look pretty and service strong manly folk like pig shit.
Thank you for showing me SexistPigshi’s hairy belly-I’ve been suffering from a case of the hornies lately & that cleared it up better than imagining Grandpa on the toilet.
Also-did you photoshop the “Pee” Salt in the pic of Carla’s pot pie, or did Bravo do that? Gives a whole new meaning as to how that type of salt is made-and also to her claims of putting so much of herself into her cooking!!
(Anyone else having problems logging in today?) My captcha code is TWA2, hee hee.
Love the recap J-Mo & I may just cut & paste your explanation on why using “gay” as a casual slur is so hurtful & carry it around in my purse to whip out when someone uses it. I think it’s safe to say that any derogatory word that was used on the playground, before you understood what it meant, is not something to use as an adult. Although poopy-head still makes me giggle.
J-Mo, Thank you again for the excellent (and humourous) recap! I bet you’re relieved that you don’t have to type out the heavily accented nonsense that spilled from his lips, just as I’m relieved I no longer have to decrypt it.
Totally awesome recap. I look forward to the Top Chef recaps more than any other!
Beaker makes me so happy
Pigshit makes me so sad 
And Blaze makes me want to throw something at the TV >:-P
I don’t think that’s a fauxhawk on Blaze….thats his ego bursting out of the cracks in his tiny little head.
I saw Carla on Fallon’s show too, she was so funny and adorable. I’m really loving Antonia this season, to my surprise. I love that she doesn’t take any crap for Isabella.
Nah, I didn’t enjoy the Super Bowl. Hate football, bunch of meatheads smacking each other while they chase a lemon-shaped hunk of pig skin. Not my thing. I’ll make do with your recaps and hope to catch some podcasting sometime. Gotta find out first what podcasting means, though…
It was a fun episode, overall, and I was surprised by how Jimmy Fallon didn’t annoy me like he usually does, and you could tell he’s definitely a big fan of the show and enjoyed the whole thing. Totally thrilled at Beaker’s third win and third trip, just love her. Antonia rocks too, here’s hoping she actually gets a win soon, poor girl. Even Angelo’s toned down his Season 7 Sucks ego and become a lot more tolerable in my eyes.
On the bad side of the spectrum, I don’t even need to go on why Pigshit needs to get kicked off, we all loathe him equally. Dung’s on my last nerve, as always, all douchey and gansta wannabe. Does that man ever straighten his head? Seriously, watch his head, he’s always tilting it when he speaks, like it makes him look badass when he’s thugging. Just makes him look shorter. I actually thought he was going home for serving a way too salty crap dish, but I won’t complain about Fabio getting the boot.
Blazehawk is rapidly becoming the most annoying, though, especially now that his arrogance and self-entitled nature is raging back up and he’s talking so much garbage. Eating sould be dangerous sometimes? We already eat with the ever-present risk of choking, I don’t want any extra added risks. And who the hell is he saying that Tiffany’s donuts and chocolate were pedestrian? He made bananas dipped in chocolate, the exact thing Scar said not to do! I don’t care how frozen they were they were still bananas in chocolate, so if she was pedestrian, so was he of the ridonk hairstyle.
I was watching Saved By the Bell before work this morning (don’t judge!) and there was a PSA with Wanda Sykes where she confronts a group of teenage boys calling things ‘gay’. It was pretty cute. Shocker that Sexist Pigshit has the same mentality as a 16-year old boy.
I love Angelo and Beaker. I’d love to see those two kick Blazehawk’s ass in the finale!
Oh my, steel anus (anii) was priceless! You are too clever.
My hopes for the final: Antonia, Carla & Angelo, I mean Lowfatso, Beaker & Oranjello. And no muffin tops? Is that really what he means? He is a delusional fuck bag.
J-Mo..”Hum Booger of Doom”
This is why I love Tvgasm! Everytime I look at the title I give a little snort.
Genius.
LOLOLOL, you guys are cracking me up! I just want to add a couple of things: Roger, keep doing what you’re doing, man. Snootchy, amen on the whole “The South” thing and LOL about charming into Charmin, BWAHAHAHAHA! Vallegirl, was that a blog on FahBeeOh’s personal site, or on Bravo? I read an interview where he talked about Angelo’s pants being too tight (jealouseeeeeeee!). And OMG, Bananas, is that shirt for real? Muffin Top = Death? You’re right, how hypocritically RUDE of a tubbo like him to wear it! And TVaholic, good catch on the PEE SALT… that was all me, not Bravo, LOL… I did do a pretty good job with that photoshop, though, didn’t I?
And dear Chris Velasquez… I wanted to tell you THANKS for the John Goodman compliment last week, he used to be one of my all-time favorite sex gods (I know, I’m weird) so I just wanted to say that was awful sweet of you. Also, “podcast” is just a fancy way of saying “we made a really long video”. Flipit included a link on the Newsgasm where if you click it and you have iTunes, it will download the entire 75 minute video to your computer and you can watch it at your leisure. Thanks again, sugarpie!
Also, thank you sheesh, smellymutts, mere2142, atlgirl, lindaw205, Bioscotto, Fnord, and mnkid for the comment love, xoxoxox!
love, J-Mo
Fabio’s Gone!!!!
Now my list of “they must go”:
Pigshit
Blaze (dammit, Blaze, I used to like you)
Tiffany (how is she still here?)
Dung (I don’t dislike him this season)
My finale would be Angelo (who I like much better this season than I did on his), Carla, and LowFatSo
BTW, I think Blaze’s fondue could have worked if he did something really out of the ordinary within the theme — maybe some sort of chocolate brownie-ball and have the fondue be a banana sauce of some kind (so, chocolate dipped in bananas)
When I’ve watched someone as commercial as Giada di Laurentiis use fennel in her cooking, I know Fabio and Pigshit need to shut their mouths. And for f*cking reals, no kind soul has ever taken Fabio out for a burger? There isn’t a Mickey D’s somewhere in Tuscany ruining Italian culture with American fast food?
The promos for next week hint at a shocking elimination. If it turns out to be Carla and not Blazehawk, I’m done with the show. Done. Over. Gone. Not even my love for tight-pants rocking Angelo could bring me back.
Um, Snootchy, Texas IS the South. We have Southwest in us as well, but if ya wanna really go there, we are geographically more Southern than, oh South Carolina, or parts of Georgia like ATLANTA. We are very proud of our Southern Heritage and know how to make great southern food!
As I said, Texas is geographically in the south. So is Arizona. But it doesn’t make them part of “The South.” Note the quotation marks and capital letters. But I can’t hate ya for wanting to be part of The South, because it rocks.
It is sort of like when I went to uni in the west and told people I was from back east. I was told that Florida was not back east, that was the south. Back east was NY, NH, MA, etc. And for the record before anyone starts saying Florida isn’t part of The South, I am from North Florida which is very southern. It is basically Georgia. We don’t claim south Florida though.
@J-Mo, and anyone else who’s interested – It was his personal blog, and I think he thinks he’s being funny, but sadly, he’s just living up to another, less charming, stereotype about Italian men. And I’m sure it’s no surprise that he also has no use for the women on the show, Martha Stewart of Ina Garten.
Here’s the link, if you can stomach it because he really comes off more horribly than I thought possible.
http://fabioviviani.com/blog/top-chef-recap-class-maestro/
@vallegirl, I just read Fabio’s blog and am disgusted with him. He is incredibly rude,and obviously can’t get over the idea of Antonia beating him with an Italian dish, and puts down Carla endlessly. I do agree that he probably thinks he is funny, but I found him crass and boring. He also uses gay in a pejorative sense. He and his buddy Pigshit need to stop the homophobic, misogynistic garbage they spew. I was already thrilled that Carla won ( she was so cute) but I am now even happier because I realize that it irritated the hell out of Fabio and hopefully out of Pigshit.
Great recap J-mo. You add so much to my favorite show. Thank you.
Okay, this has been bothering me since I saw the show: what’s a “billini?” I assumed Fabio was just gushing his accent all over a blini, but then the dish description actually used “billini.” Google has provided me with no answers here.
Anyways, that aside, Blaze and Sexist Pigshit are seriously just being sad now. I am already past the hate, and I actually pity them, because they clearly live in their own delusion. The stupid thing with the mussels, too, Jesus. If they were really that irritated, Fabio and SexPig’s issues would’ve been directed at the judges judges, because they were the ones that picked the “French mussels” to win. Clearly, they’re just trying to stroke their own egos by shitting all over Antonia’s win.
Honestly, the food all three of them put out was mediocre at best. I am especially insulted by the humboogair, because, instead of trying to figure out a new technique (though, honestly, how did he get baffled by a hamburger?) he resorted to the same old tricks. The worst part is that he wasted so much perfectly good meat to serve a goddamn meatball on a bun.
BlazeHawk’s ramen – he really just got lazy on this one. Obviously, no one buys that crap about proving how he’s not just a gimmick. If he could think of a way to do it, he would’ve had that stupid liquid nitrogen tank out in a second. Jesus, he didn’t even try to do a play on cheap cup ramen. He only slid by because the taste was passable. By the way, I am something of a molecular gastronomy geek, and Blaze really just gives the craft a bad name. It’s about perfecting the techniques to create specific flavors and textures. The only really great thing (in my opinion) to come out of liquid
I was definitely concerned that Angelo was getting the loser’s edit when he described his spice mix. I’m happy he’s in the top. He is really just a sweetheart. He never seems bitter or even just disappointed to lose when he’s in the top.
How did that post get cut off, TWICE? Blah. Anyways, liquid nitrogen makes AMAZING ice cream but that’s about it, in my experience.
Also, I’m glad Antonia’s getting more recognition, and I hope she’ll end up with something nice for her troubles. And even though Blaze taught her the technique for cooking beef tongue, ultimately, she was the one who conceptualize the dish, so I think it’s okay for her to take a bit of credit for that. Does anyone else think it’s weird that beef tongue is supposedly one of J-Fal’s favorite dishes?
I agree with Carla and Jimmy – the bottom crust totally transform chicken pot pie. The juices soak into it and it’s just sooo delicious. I’m so glad she was the one to get it, because it is definitely one of my favorite dishes, and I don’t think anyone else could’ve really done it justice.
I thought the pretzel idea was actually really clever – an interesting take on street food. The sandwich definitely looked good, and I’m not really the biggest cheesesteak fan. I think Dale was letting LoBrac get into his head. If he was really thinking when he was tasting his food, he probably would’ve realized how much salt there was.
From what I recall, Blaze didn’t show her how to cook the tongue, did he? I thought he just showed her how to use the pressure cooker. The flavors and concept of the dish were all hers. Or am I remembering it incorrectly?
I agree Snootchy, Blais just showed her how to use the pressure cooker; not how to cook or dress the tongue. The dish was all hers.
I said it earlier, but I will say it again – Carla was so cute both on Fallon’s show when she took the picture of the pot pie and again when she won with it. Yeah on her!
Blais has been pretty middle of the road this entire season, so I don’t understand where he gets off saying the others are intimidated by him. He is a pretty good chef, but so are most of the others still in. Other than freezing stuff with the liquid nitrogen, what exactly does he do that is so fanflippintastic?
Poor Dale, I felt bad for him. I thought his sandwich looked really great, and I liked the idea of a pretzel roll and a spicy cheese sauce since I am not a huge fan of Philly Cheesesteak. Too bad he forgot to account for the salt factor on the roll when seasoning his dish.
Really glad to see Fabio gone. I have been so over his oozy faux-Italian “charm” for awhile. Now if Bravo would be so kind as to remove Mike Isabella from my view, I would appreciate it.
BTW J-mo, when my sons reached that lovely stage of adolescence when personal insults were commonly considered by their peers to be funny, my husband and I had a serious talk with them about acceptable behavior. We explained that it was wrong to say “gay” as an insult, but it is not wrong to be gay. We reinforced this with examples of gay family members and friends. Then to make sure that they got the message, my husband told them that if we found out that they used the word gay in a negative context, or were unkind in other ways, that he had a job at our ranch for them shoveling manure. In his words; if they could say it, they could shovel it. It only took one hot day in June for them to become believers. Too bad that some adults have never learned the same lesson.
I’m a little lost, I thought I was paying attention to the show, the recaps and comments, but I guess not. What’s wrong with Dale? I really like him, he makes me laugh and the little guy has been pretty successful this season. And I’m not sure where this Antonia obsession started. Don’t get me wrong, I like her too, she was a stoner and I am currently, so theres that, and all the hub-bub about her mussels was dumb, Italy is only surrounded by water and has thousands of miles of coastline, but who’s counting? Anywhozzle, but besides crying during judges table and winning last week what has she done? I’m not trying to be a rabble rouser but it’s making me bummed that Dale is getting ragged on.
I do feel sorry for LowFatSo “winning” but actually not winning a damn thing. The first time I noticed the HUGE disparity in Elimination Challenge prizes was during Bunny Foo Foo’s season when she won a Mac Power Book and the following week the winner got a signed copy of Padma’s cookbook.
I really don’t know that sexist pigshit is an appropriate name anymore. Maybe sexist homophobic pigshit? Although I am not sure there are adjectives to describe the way I feel about sexist pigshit. so pardon my french but he will from now on be known in my house as man cunt. Simply because it is the most offensive thing I can think of.
Wow, I actually thought I was going to be in the beginning of the comments this time, as there was only one when I started!!! You people work fast!!! hahahaha–true that I have to read at work between jobs, so it can take all day, as it has this time–worth every delicious second.
Love the recap and comments, and Fan-ann, I love stories like yours, it gives me such hope! Weirdly, in my family, two of us are gay, and yet we still have siblings that didn’t even tell their kids we were gay, and in one case, raised homophobic little republican conservatives . . . life is so strange. I have really found that the nieces and nephews that knew from the get-go are so well adjusted and cool. I’ll never forget my niece when she was 7 or so, realizing that my ex and me were exes now, even though I said nothing. And we were only visiting . . .
Sexist is the worst, and it’s burning my britches to see him holding on. Can’t wait to read angelo’s blog where he calls out Fabee for never washing his hair. He’s such a dirty little grease/sleeze ball. Ew. And are we giving Dung no credit for his comments about what a beautiful man the orange one is–he came right up in my book (libithina) tho I wasn’t hating him this season, esp after he handled himself so well with douche Monkey Brain all in his face on the roof that time (how did he get his own show . . .. )
I remain afraid to read Fabee’s blog, as I already have so much hate in me, I’ll simply overflow!
I was soooo upset at how they were going after Antionia . . . ahem, Blaze, talk about being intimidated–hope that’s what she told herself, and there should be no challenges without prizes this season, period–if you win, you should win, it’s awful that Antonia got nothing!
That T-shirt is plaguing me now . . . If it is about muffin tops, and he’s not being self deprecating, I just don’t know . . . I just don’t . . . .
Love Hootie, and yes, Antonia and Orangello with her for the finale!!!! I wouldn’t die if Dale made it either . . .
oh, and I don’t mean to call out Republicans . . . obv some of my family are, as well as some of my friends . . . I don’t really care about political distinctions, I only mentioned it as it’s so different than myself . . .
@snootchy–haven’t read all posts and hope i’m not repeating, but i believe beaumont is in the piney woods of east texas which is really the same as north louisiana; very similar to the florida panhandle being more georgia/alabama than the rest of the state. east texas IS the hillbilly south. once ya get to houston all the texans wanna play cowboy. thanks for the shout-out j-mo; made my day.
Gee whiz, you guys are on the ball! I was really worried for Dale (over salting on TC = DEATH), but Tom’s blog specifically states the overseasoning wasn’t very bad, just a little and from the bun so I’m inclined to think they needed 3 bottoms (hee) and hauled Dale in.
Tom also said about Ant’s mussel dish right there at the table last epi that mussels with fennel is a SOUTHERN Italian thing so STFU Fabio (who clearly never visited that region).
I’m from the SW (AZ), but lived in TX, yeah, it may be geographically south, but it’s no more The South than South Fla or Hawaii. I also lived in The South (GA) and TX really kind of stands alone.
Soooooo sad about some of these people, really liked Blaise and Flabio in their seasons, only to see them morph into total douches here. Opposite of Tiff (S1) and Dale who seemed to experience self awareness and I really like them both in this season.
Of course, there is always Pigshit and Turkeyboy who actually got worse.
I forgot to add a check in the “love the bottom crust in a pot pie” column.
I HATE it when I try a new pot pie and there’s no bottom crust — enough for me to avoid buying that brand altogether.
I commented on Fabio’s blog (as drew)
http://fabioviviani.com/blog/top-chef-recap-class-maestro/#comment-662
complained to him about his use of the word gay, his constant whining over the italian challenge, and his continual blasting of beaker.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Fabio, but he need to cool down.
Also I had a few words to say to Guidette commenter Andrea on there who had alot of remarks about the judges and american being so used to and dependent on processed fast food
ugh people like her annoy me, as if Italy doesn’t have a mcdonalds and as if fast food doesn’t take work to make
grrr
also in regards to the episode, Carla amazes me still, while Richard can join Mike at the bottom of the pack
I originally posted this with a spoiler warning but now I can link to it and all its ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! glory. Really, Fabio? Did he take some of Isablimp’s “wimmen” hater” meds? I bet those walking vajayjays at least know how to cook a “booger”, you meatball lovin’ bitch!
http://www.washingtonian.com/blogarticles/restaurants/bestbites/18364.html
thanks LAC, commented on that too
Drew – good for you for trying with Blabbio, but those Isablimp asshole pills have quite a kick.
Oh, and J-Mo – always love, love your recaps. That picture of the dildo trying to penetrate Isablimp’s empty head is a spit water moment. And I too jumped up and down when Carla won…
yah I know, but I gotta try, can’t let the 400 middle aged and moist housewives who make up his fanbase give him a swelled head
Drew.. LOL!! If it gets any bigger, you will be able to spot his greasy hair from space.
OK, vallegirl, THANK YOU for the link, I am so repulsed I feel like I just have to repost this thing in it’s entirety because it is so fucking vile… I think I suspected all along that FahBeeOh was an asshat in greasy-haired disguise, and this “recap” of his proves it… read on… (commentary by me will be in parentheses)
FOR STARTERS, he titles it “The Last Class Of The Maestro!” (a.k.a. Italian for Master Douchebag)
Welcome again to my recap, AKA the best Recap served ONLINE !!!!! (not fucking likely if *I* have anything to say about it!)
Tonight will be very emotional for me, i will get kicked out, so ill be basically in tears….. and i mean from laughing, when i laugh to hard tears run out of my eyes. (I think he means “too”)
I mean @JimmyFallon, what a better way to go…. can you imagine if it was somebody like Martha Stewart or Barefoot Contessa to kick you out ?? I mean….. you’re sad already that you got kicked off on national television that at least have someone fun and nice to hang out with its much better !! (because Martha and Ina have more money than Fabio will ever dream of having, therefor they are not “fun and nice”… plus, they have ovaries)
Think about it, and im asking this to all the boys out there, if you HAVE TO get run over by a car, would you prefer a Good Looking smart woman drive or a Stupid Ugly Ass guy ?? See my point ?? At least tonight ill get runned Over by a nice person…. (I feel like this entire blog post should just have a giant [SIC] next to it)
Anyway….lets start…. and one more thing, as you probably undestood already im NOT a fan of Martha Stewart nor Barefoot contessa…. nothing personal, i just dont dig what they do J (he does not dig women who cook and are successful)
We are all at the bar hanging out and someone propose a toast to Antonia’s Mussels Mariniere…. and we HAVE TO BE HONEST HERE, there is anyone out there that REALLY think that Antonia did deserve to WIN after 13 CHEF left ALL AGREED that what she made was a French Dish ?? (lies, the only people who “agreed” were Fabio and Sexist Pigshit)
Anyway, lets move on J , Dale is beating himself up with a stick of Pancetta that later on will bring home and cuddle with it cause he’s sorry that last time at rao’s he made it Blend (huhwha? try “B-L-A-N-D”… like your writing)…. im asking Antonia to walk me trought the making of the french staples and OFF COURSE she refuse it by saying that she dont want to share the best kept secret….”How to win an Italian challange by making french Food”. (still lies, no matter how many times you say it Fabster)
@Mikeisabelladc is a sore loser but hey, im sore too, freaking mussels ??? Really ?? @chefAntonia you should get a show on Food Network and call it BareFoot Antonia…. (so original… while you’re at it how about get a show on Public Access and call it “Remedial English Classes”?)
And we DONT serve MUSSELS with Fennel in ITALY…im sorry @ericripert , this time you’re wrong…. Pack your Knife and go !! J (you first, asshole… too late, you already did.. TWICE!)
We walk in the TC kitchen and there is a bunch of Fondue Pots, and @richardblais come up with a theory that believe that his mom and dad where partying NAKED at a FONDUE PARTY…… REALLY ?? Richard what the F*#@ ??? EVEN IF IT WAS TRUE you are not suppose to say that your mom was naked at a Fondue party…. come on professor !!!!!! (did I say it better, or what?)
Fondue dont excite me and Padma ask for us NOT to make a Banana dipped in chocolate fondue….. cause is sooooooo 70es, Antonia is worry cause she is planning to do a Bouillabaisse, which is a French Fish soup but since she is Betty-Crocker-Let-Me-Play-Nice-with-everybody-even-if-they-dont-like-me she is afraid that she will loose Kudos point regardless of the deliciousiness of her French Dish….. she got a point. (ummmm, gibberish much?)
For some reason hearing padma talking about dipped Banana is distracting….. Angelo looked worry starting with maybe is thinking to make a Camel Toe dipped Fondue….. Antonia she is making a Jewish sandwich and Richard was in the Bathroom as padma was speaking and when he come back he will make a banana for Padma, althought she said that she will quit banana for a while, she is on a Chocoalte free diet, but she can have Banana, that what i undestood. (interesting, since no one can undestand this “best recap served ONLINE”)
I use to go Skying in Cortina D’ampezzo and i remember having cheese fondue with little bread dipping and i got inspired by that, now if you asking me where the Caviar got inspired by i have no freaking clue…. (just like you have no clue how to spell three letter words like “ski”)
Angelo is kissing the camera’s ass as always and it play the perfectionist role by saying that he wants to be inspired by the diversity of his cooking…. Angelo you have a Camel Toe, you are diverse enough, just breathe and do a simple fondue already !!!! by the way here the link for Angelo’s song, “The Camel Toe” : (lame ass video)
Angelo is running behind and he feels he wont make it, hes also sweating like Howey in the previous Top Chef season, Padma look at Richard, Richard look at Padma and the he say something on the line, Padma i like to play dangerous sometimes…. now for some reason i believe that Blais “dangerous fun” and Padma “dangerous fun” are like black and white…. VERY DIFFERENT !!!!! Ill choose Padma fun anyday, for some reason i dont see richard as a party animal J (it wasn’t “dangerous fun” dickbag, it was “eating should be dangerous”… like when people actually eat the crap you sell)
Tiffany D. Find some weeds and somehow she managed to smoke on national TV (lame marijuana reference)…. Pretty much all the Fondue taste like crap, but chef are very pride and will never admit that !! But somebody has to win, Fabio, Tiffany and Mike on the bottom as richard is trying to convince us that he would be in the winner circle if was a regular Judge to decide and not us…. Richie i love you but you starting be a little cocky, we know you were the runner up of your season but this one is yet to be win…. relax and carry on J (wow, he clocked BlazeHawk for being cocky, that’s astute… I would also point out here that Blazey got further than FahBeeOh did)
Mike call Dale a Monkey and Tiffany is not happy to be on the bottom, Tiffany you know what ?? Shut it…. (yeah, complaining about being on the bottom is like complaining that someone’s dish isn’t Italian enough… it’s just stupid and whiny)
And not Richard we are NOT intimidated by your tecnique, we just dont undestand them, and most of the time nor do you J (most people undestand that there is a letter “r” in the word “undeRstand”)
The Top 3…. Dale, Angelo and Antonia are the Top and Dale will go to see my friend Tony Terlato in Napa Valley, good for you man !!! J (Ahhh, so FahBeeOh does not care that he did not win the trip to Napa Valley because he is already friends with Tony Terlato! I’m curious if Tony feels the same way)
Im wearing a GOT MILKWEAR Tshirt, which is my own line of clothing made out of 100% Milk Protein, and will be available in USA in few months….. but about this i will let you know when the day is coming J (shameless shilling and crass crapselling, NOT surprised)
Its Cell Phone SHOUT OUT !!!! Jimmy Fallon Style, we need to shoot random pics on the screen and whatever we nail we will cook it for his Bday Party!! J (um, try SHOOT out?)
Im up aganist Antonia, we both shoot with the camera and the first thing she yell as soon as she got the pics is YES YES MUSSELS !!!!! Antonia is Beef Tongue but if i were another 50 times to try you might couldve end up with Donkey Penis instead J lmao !!!! Mike Isabella was VERY happy and Antonia is also happy i hear that she asked for 2 Tongue so she couldve borrow one for home….. i mean for our dinner at the house JLMAO (ahh, see, because she is into bestiality and is a bitch because she doesn’t have a superhot stud like the FabSter to satisfy her, so she would resort to a beef tongue for pleasure, ho ho ho ho)
Carla wish to shoot for Chicken Pot Pie and the really gets it, and i do now believe that she either did or is doing now some really heavy medication, she look like she is about to calm down, when she finishes to dance around Jimmy like a mad chicken. (If I spoke Italian this badly I would never post a blog in Italian EVER… and how dare he suggest Beaker is on meds! She was obviously drunk!)
We were told that Jimmy family will have lunch with us and then sent to whole food for shop, Carla believe that if she win she will be reconnized as force to take in consideration for the title, but as far as my perception if she keep acting like a LUNATIC ON CRACK all she will be considered for is a urgent push toward a menthal hospital…. BOOM. (which is MOOB backwards, and how many people do you think love Beaker’s enthusiasm as opposed to FahBeeOh’s smarmy schmutz?)
An Asian Guy is making a Philly Cheese Steak, An Italian one is making a Burger and an American guy is making Ramen Noodle….. WTF ??? Jimmy youre confusing us !!! (Nope, as it turns out only FahBeeOh was confused, the Asian guy and the American guy actually made passable versions of THEIR dishes)
The we have a commercial for Buitoni where we eat some ravioli and then richard does a speech about how much he need to win… boring. Richard overworry and is not funny, im going to bed. (funny, that’s exactly how I feel about this blog)
Now al suddend the UGLIEST GAYEST moment on TOP CHEF HISTORY !!!! Dale and Mike are in bed as Angelo is performing a full check in on his Camel Toe, and as if that wasnt enough already Dale point out that he has an avocado in his pants….. i didnt know that in Asia you called avocado what we call Hezelnuts…. Angelo is little tight down there but i see everything but an avocado….. maybe since we are chef is already chopped for a Cobb salad…. but i agree with Dale, Angela is a beautifull Lady J (fucking asshat homophobe, no wonder Sexist Pigshit thinks it’s okay to use “gay fondue parties”)
We are heading to Colicchio’s Kitchen and Richard has an affair with Antonia by teaching her how to make her Tongue melt in her mouth…. this is getting little PG75, Dale is helping Richie in flavoring the Ramen and Carla loose her mind, i mean completely running around like a chicken without the head, she is really stress full to watch J (PG75? Italy makes you wait until you’re SEVENTY-FIVE to see people KISSING? That’s stress full to think about, even with Beaker’s “loose” mind)
I dont know how her Husband does when she loose her mind…… (he beats the shit out of Italian dickbags with terrible accents who talk shit about his wife)
I made a cheese sauce that noone ever seen before, probably cause is crap ?? Maybe, i didnt mind it, and Beside Jimmy Fallon Dad noone like my Booger, Burgers, Hamburger….. or whatever you want to call it i dont care it did taste good to me, little dry ?? Maybe….. im not Arguing with that, for my Grandpa my Grandma was fine…..if you know what i mean J LMAO !!!! (yes, this means your Grandparents would lie and tell you your horrible dry beefballs were tasty… or they had no sense of taste)
Richard is bragging again about how good he is…… Tiffany did a Tortilla Soup instead the Chicken and Dumpling….. (duh)
Carla…. Carla really what happened to you ?? Not even DALAI LAMA Dale is willing to risj his sandwich by leaving it in the kitchen with you, Chill out or you will get an Heart Attack….. (nope, she’s gonna WIN, loozah)
Angelo is using my Burger buns cause the bread he picked was shit and its ok, your welcome Angela !!! Plus the big funny DUDE is begging Jimmy Fallon that ANGELA will go there at the table and PULL HIS PORK…. WOW….. (yeah, the big funny DUDE was totally SERIOUS about having AngelO pull his pork at the table, they’re all really really gay, and that’s what us gay people do at the dinner table!)
Carla deliver a Cake and we cant sing cause all of you know that if you sing HAPPY BDAY on TV you have to pay 60k to to Marylin Monroe….haha !! (haha, Marilyn is dead, you have to pay Patty and Mildred Hill, dumbass)
TOP 3 Antonia Tongue, Carla’s chicken without head and Angela please pull my pork !!!!! Carla wine the Challange and she is officially on Crack Cocaine, carla there is great Rehab here in Hollywood and i love you so much i beg you to stop, i never saw anyone jump and act like a mad parson like you do, i undestand excitement but thats playing fool, keep it together, did you ever heard about Brand Equity ?? you just lost half of your Value there……Angelo go back and pull Jimmy Fallon’s Friend Pork J and Antonia didnt let the Tongue go for snother 3 hours….. (bitter bitter bitter loose-r)
On the Bottom is THE BEST BURGER IN MOORPARK please follow my restaurant @cafefirenze and @osteria_firenze !!! Also Dale with his saltier than SeaWaters and Tiffany Tortilla Soup instead of Chicken Dumpling…… (oh, isn’t that the same restaurant where Flipit posted the link to the review where it got ZERO FUCKING STARS?!??!? And being the best burger in Moorpark isn’t very ambitious, as that’s only about 70 square miles… he should have been shooting for Best Burger in Sherman Oaks, too)
I think an Average Burger should beat a Tortilla soup that was meant to be a Chicken Dumpling and Dale Cheesesteak was NOT EDIBLE because of the salt…… you ask me….wrong decision, but hey, im ONLY a contestant and i guess in the world of TV was my time to go home i guess. (I guess Daddy Tom disagrees, as they said Dung v2.0′s sammich wasn’t inedible by any means, and the world of TV said they’d had enough of trying to subtitle your ass)
I dont care ablout the outcome of the show, all i REALLY CARE IS HOW MUCH ALL MY FOLLOWERS MEAN TO ME, you guys gave me Goosebumps !!!! I felt Loved and all of you that Stood Up for me THANK YOU !!!!!!! (This is another way of saying “I ONLY KEEP THE POSITIVE COMMENTS ON MY BLOGS, FUCK THE REST OF YOU)
One day youre on the MOON the next day you look at the MOON from the bottom of a sink, if i made it this far in this COUNTRY for you guys should be a walk in a park, you guys are the only shadow standing in the way of your own SUNSHINE !! J (too bad his English can’t seem to progress as well)
And now an ANNOUNCEMENT !! I love you SOOOOO MUCH THAT I WILL KEEP LIVE TWEETING till the end !!!! J (we’re all breathless… literally)
From now on MY MONEY IS ON MY TWO BROTHERS !!!!
@mikeisabelladc (of course, the fat ugly brother with stupid hair)
@richardblais (and the bitter even uglier brother with even stupider hair)
FYI, did you saw how desperate Padma’s face was when i was leaving ?? Just saying, maybe she had some second thoughts about Blais’s Banana………… CIAO !!!!!!!!! (*shudder*)
There you have it, from the mouth of FahBeeOh. What a fucking pig, and now I am even more excited that he is no longer on the show. LONG LIVE BEAKER AND ORANJELLO!!
love, J-Mo
hey guys he apparently replied to me
could someone summarize his reply to it for me so I don’t get so mad reading his nonsense I punch a wall?
http://fabioviviani.com/blog/top-chef-recap-class-maestro/#comment-662
Great recap, J-Mo!
Fabio is a fucking asshat! His “blog” just shows what a conceited, arrogant asshole he is. I bet the others will just love reading what he wrote about them. Maybe he can improve his spelling too. And it might help him read that zero-star review about his restaurant. I hope he goes home next!
Bet Dad-Mo was disappointed that he couldn’t turn you into a little gridiron fan, eh? Oh well. I loved Bewitched as a kid, and that was long before I knew Uncle Arthur AND BOTH Darrins were gay! Who knew?
Sexist PigShit is an ass too. I don’t know of many people who have been to Sexist PigShit fondue parties, but I know lots that went to regular fondue parties! There, how do you like it, asshole?
Serving caviar on little pancakes (or blinis) is quite common. However, I’d never heard of billinis before. (Let’s say he made it up and laugh at him, okay?). And I call bullshit on the not-hot pancakes. When I was a kid and my Grandma made pancakes, there were always leftovers. I ate them just room temperature throughout the day and they were fine.
I think I read somewhere recently where Scar’s current “boyfriend” is lik 70 or something. Really.
Ipocrita is Italian for hypocrite. Ipocrita Fabio ~ has a nice ring to it!
Lots O’ Love
Oh yeah, and Fabio? Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa, can cook rings around you and as long as you live your hair will NEVER look as nice and clean as hers does! So there!
@Di–as a sortof molecular gastronomy geek, can you help me with a story that when i tell them at the compressed gas store that i need an industrial sized tank of nitrous oxide to perfect my receipe for WHAT?–duck confit? thousand-year old ostrich eggs? nitrous-soaked richard blaze (that dude’s gettin on my LAST nerve)–have them buy the story and let me load up a big tank o’ nitrous oxide. please remember, i need a plausible use for N2O, not blazehawks don’t get me high nitrogen. thanks in advance.
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! ta dip the old banana in padma. then she and i could go to town on that nitrous tank…OMG; i can feel the love right now! i gotta go, y’all.
love this recap, love the comments. you go drew! if you ever get into a fight with that fool, just remind him of his zero star review in the la times. that always works.
@Drew So I just read Fabio’s reply to you. And basically said that he doesn’t have an ego, he’s just “passionate”. And that he didn’t he’s the right to be a sore loser because he’s “passionate”. And seriously doesn’t care about using the word gay in a negative way. He seriously said he’s going to keep using it like that. And pretty much accuses you of putting words in his mouth and misunderstanding him. And end the end he says that you’re ruining your own memories of him.
Yeah, that’s all I could handle summarizing, basically it was an a-hole’s reply. And just reading it filled me, the same disgust I felt reading his blog.
J-mo great recap as usual.
until i heard about fabio’s bloog i thought when y’all said “gay”you just meant you were lighthearted, shockingly i find it means you’re “light in the loafers”, as well. not you too j-mo; i thought you were gonna be my wingman. can any of you keep a straight face? (yeah, i get the joke. it writes itself). to each his/her own, i say.just leaves more padma 4 me. get away you lesbians; i got a little sompthin’ for padma that she ain’t had since the last time she ate salmon…
rimshot! please tip your waiter; its the last friendly face ya gonna see in vegas.
unfortunately, i’ll be here all week.
@snootchy–my bad. beaumont is actually more like SOUTH louisiana, about 50 miles from lake charles. texas is a BIG state and the eastern part is real redneck, peckerwood south. west of that area in texas, you get real redneck, peckerwood cowboy wannabe’s. hope i haven’t offended in the last 2 posts but ya know what jesus said, “by their fruits shall ye judge them” by which i think he meant, “if they can’t take a joke, fuck em”.
maybe a bit forward of me claiming to know what jesus meant. oh yeah, camille’s an asshole.
wow Fabio, stay classy
Oh, J-Mo, such ugliness you had to post in your beautiful recap. Now if we can find the post of the review of his flavorless restaurant, it would counter the sourness of his illiterate blog.
Oh, here it is: http://articles.latimes.com/2009/dec/16/food/la-fo-review16-2009dec16
(apologies for repeat if this has already been posted)
Drew, darling, I don’t know what psycho babble he was indulging in, but it sounds pretty much like the mantra of a person who fancies himself as reality star: words being put in my mouth, you misunderstand me, my being a jackass and a half is really about my passion, blah, blah, blah…slap a blond wig on him and fake boobs and you got a bravotv housewife.
I blame Frasier and the divorce for Fabio’s elimination.
Seriously, I shouldn’t have read Fabio’s blog because his blog was what ruined any fond memories of him that I had. So he’s wrong Drew, you aren’t ruining your memories. Fabio himself is ruining himself.
I like Dale, Antonia, Carla and Angelo. I hope this next show won’t be a big Target ad. J-Mo, you are a great blogger and I love the liberties you take with the screen caps. Have any of the cheftestants ever said they read you?
well I understand I overreacted on the Carla jokes by him, since I should have remembered that they’re friends. On the other points I still maintain my stance.
Well this marks the SECOND time I’ve had an online chat with a reality star. Though my first was a face book note from Brig Van Osten for all the shout-outs and support I gave her throughout her run on SG 3. Let me tell you, she ranks up there with Carla in terms of class, and I have yet to delete that note
(need to print it)
Loving the recaps, J-Mo! I am proud to be your fellow ‘Gasmer!
Hated Sexist Pigshit in Las Vegas, really fucking loathe his ass now. He is SO the aging puffy frat boy who still expects to attract 20-year-old bimbos when he’s way past his prime (if he ever had a prime to begin with). I’m just sick of how the women are being treated when they win challenges. It broke my heart when Carla won a few weeks ago, and was so happy and excited, only to be CRUSHED by whiny douche Marcel. And then with Antonia, aka “her dish wasn’t really Italian.” What jackasses. Those old-school restaurant guys KNOW Italian, and they liked hers best.
I do agree with you about Blaise’s sense of entitlement (and NO, you should not have won Season 4. Stephanie kicked your ass in the finale, get over yourself), but at least he’s a professional (I liked how he helped Antonia with her dish–if you watch Top Chef Masters they do that all the time) and isn’t a misogynist.
Dale, too. Yes, he can be a dick. But like you said, he actually admitted that he fucked up. He can be insecure but doesn’t always try to cover it up with nastiness.
Angelo’s weird, but I like him. As another commenter said, he’s never a sore loser and always seems happy for the winner. And he’s got a real way with food.
God, I’m loving this season. It’s SO much better than the last one. At least there’s real drama.
Great recap(!!)..great episode. Even though Tiffany didn’t make chickNdumps, her tortilla soup did look quite tasty. I’m a sucker for Mexican cuisine. I also agree..that pretzel bread looked so yummy!
@Snootchy: I love your charming/Charmin quote. I just may have it immortalized into a tramp stamp.
@Libithia: I also like Dale. He does have a hip-hop style and is into the culture but I don’t describe this as being a wannabe. I dated a Filipino guy in college who was also into the hip-hop culture (mid-90′s, what teen wasn’t?) but, like Dale, he was still very rooted in his Filipino culture. That’s why Dale always succeeds on his Asian inspired dishes and challenges..I think he is still very connected to his roots. He just likes rap music and slang..I won’t resent him for that, even if he is a bit too old to still be using it. Even I outgrew hip-hop and I was raised around it. (Nevertheless, if an old school song comes on the radio, I’m gonna get up, snap my fingers, and holler, “That’s my jam!”
)
Fabio deserved to go home. He tried to reinvent the burger, which is akin to reinventing the wheel by turning it into a triangle. Your cleverness is not getting you anywhere.
Carla is so cute. Can you imagine if she were your mom? At your soccer game? And you’d just scored the winning goal? She’d have to be sedated, she would be so overcome with joyful hysteria. I get only good vibes from that lady and no should ever be mean to her…Fabio your stocky really plummeted when you went after my beloved Carla.
For the finals, I would be happy with any combination of Carla, Antonia, Dale, and Angelo. The rest are just fillers and in the case of Sexist Pigshit, are taking up way too much space.
I would be afraid to eat anything made with liquid nitrogen. Is it poured directly onto the food or does the steam/vapors do the trick?
It’s poured directly onto the food. Or the food is poured directly into it, depending upon what you’re doing. And since nitrogen is an element we actually need to ingest, there’s nothing harmful about it.
Li’l Volt’s done two demonstrations where he’s used liquid nitrogen, once on Conan and once to make his boneless Buffalo chicken wings, and both times he had a container full of liquid nitrogen that wasn’t all “mad scientisty” and he even splashed some of it around on Conan, so handling it isn’t that dangerous once it’s in a container. Both times Li’l Volt used a whipped cream canister to create the frozen item he wanted and then plated it. No steam no smoke, just a quick dip or spritz and a perfectly frozen disk of bleu cheese dressing or “scoop” of ice cream.
So Richard’s showy use of pouring it into whatever container or canister he’s using? Just his showy way of making people impressed with how extra super awesome he is. Because neither Volt brother ever made half the show of pouring the liquid nitrogen that Richard does. Because they use it for their food and not to make people tell them how awesome they are. And when Li’l Volt is less of a showboater than you are? You are a big showboater, Richard Blais.
The end result of all this is something wonderful. We don’t have to agree on all issues, and many lively discussions evolve from our disagreements. But respect for each other and mutual support are hallmarks of this recap and comments. .Commenters like LAC (oh, here it is ), and vallegirl gave us great links, Drew shared his adventures on the
greasy one’s blog, J-Mo printed out the whole blog and answered it perfectly, and all
of us have been able to share opinions, feelings, and find laughs even when painful issues are discussed. All of you are so clever and funny. It is a pleasure to comment on a site that is so democratic, so respectful, and yet so snarky.
I’m looking forward to next week with The Muppets. Go Beaker!
By the way, Isabella was taken to task for his “gay” comment on Twitter, and actually acknowledged that he was wrong to say that and apologized. And not the “sorry you don’t have a sense of humor” kind of non-apology, but an actual “it was wrong and I’m sorry I disappointed you” apology.
The world has just shifted on its axis.
Do you mean I can’t say “That’s my Jam”?
I just yelled it out when my daughter played “Express Yourself” by Salt and Pepa in her car yesterday. (She was quite impressed that not only did I know the words but I did some AWESOME dancing in the passenger seat.)
Sad horns…
Did I read Fabio’s blog correctly in that he says he only made the booger the way Richard told him too?
Watching the show, he clearly states he is going to make it like a meatball and then during judging he seems to be awfully proud of the way he mixed the meats to make it. But now he is blaming Blais for the way it turned out – way to stay classy there Fabio.
What an arsehat.
@Sheesh: Of course, you can say it, that’s my point. But I really don’t listen to hip-hop anymore, because that new shit is just ridiculous, but like you, when an old school 80′s or 90′s hit comes on, all bets are off! *cabbage patches for maximum effect*
Wait..where you doing the ‘whop?’ LOL
I can’t wait until my daughter is old enough to give me the ‘you were young once?” side eye. I’m keeping my dance skills sharp to make that moment extra special.
Sarcas – Well, I had a funny, “dayum I’m old moment” with my kid yesterday. I was driving her to her cheer practice and she was listening on her Ipod and singing to some song that used “Rich Girl” by Hall and Oates. I started to sing the whole song and she was confused that this was an old song. I realized that this song was out when I was in her age group. Her teenage confused expression and my Hall and Oates math made a martini a must have later that evening needless to say.
Aww…LAC, lol. I know what you mean. Well, so far, from your daighter’s perpective. It was like when I was a teen singing to Puffy’s “I’ll Be Missing You” and my (non hip-hopping) uncle started singing along to the chorus, and my look of astonishment made him explain that it was originally sung by The Police (Every breath You Take). WHA? And it came out almost 15 years prior! I’m sure I made him feel quite old that day so I can only imagine what karma has in store for me.
I’ll have a martini tonight, thinking of you, and also what’s to come.
@Flipit – Oh SNAP! That review was awesome…well, if you’re not Fabio!
Damn. I never liked Fabio to begin with, I was personally shocked when he won fan favorite back in his original season, especially since Carla was there too. Right now, with that blog of his, he’s just making it real easy to prove why I never liked him to begin with. What a king douchebag, I’m glad he’s gone. Now let’s just see how he (and some others) will behave during the reunion.
@J-Mo: I agree with you, and it’s a shame John Goodman didn’t age gracefully, cause he was a looker back in the day, and the voice just added to it. So, no, you’re not weird, chubby guys have their charms, most definitely. Soon as I saw your picture in the previous recap, I was all “He’s totally like a young John Goodman, but with an awesome beard”. Cause beards are just awesome when they’re kept all full and neat. So, yeah, thanks very much for your comment, and for making me blush while at it. Never been called sugarpie before.
Dance on @sheesh! And although I’m glad that Isabella apologized, he’ll always be Sexist Pigshit to me.
Well, I read Flabio’s blog and all I can say is that he must be deleting the comments from all of the people who think he’s a sexist douche-nozzle of an asshat. There is just no way that the ONLY people who actually comment on that sorry excuse for a blog are the butt licking ass-kissers who think the sun shines out of his sorry ass. Anyone who speaks about my beloved Beaker like that cannot possibly have a soul, he and Sexist Pigshit are the chauvinistic spawn of the devil. I think I’m going to save that pic of Pigshit with a vibrator aimed at his head as my screen-saver. Has anyone else noticed how his chins have melted into his chest these days? BTW, great recap J-Mo! I laughed so hard I think I actually tinkled in my Calvin’s! You are the BEST!!
Oh Gawd, I was right . . . I just can’t read that–and you know, I live 10 minutes from his damn restaurant and it’s everything I can do not to head over there with some Dawn dishwashing liquid in a master blaster and cleanse this world of the grease stain that is misogynist, bloated, english language killing Fabee-HO!
I do want to seek out your comments, tho, Drew . . . good for you for taking one for the team. That Sexist Pigshit has more twitter class, what does that tell us?!
I have always felt TC is sexist in general, perhaps woman chef aren’t as experienced, or common, or whatever the hell Daddy Tom claims–the fact remains it’s the asshole Fabee-HO’s of the world that bloat in the doorways, blocking them like a clot in the aorta!
And Valle and Sacra . . . I bet you would know the statistics of how many female chefs have TV shows as compared to males, not that it makes any difference, just paying you a compliment.
I only hope Hootie gets a show, and the Contessa publicly bashes Fabee-HO!
@juddfan I will fantasize about you with your master blaster loaded with Dawn. At least Fabio is off the show, and he was stupid enough to reveal entirely too much about himself. I love all musicals, and he reminds me of a great line in a song from My Fair Lady. Professor Higgins is describing “that dreadful Hungarian Zoltan Karpathy” and he says ” Oozing charm from every pore, he oiled his way across the floor.” That is Fabio, depending on charm and exaggerating his accent; but we see him now.
Dawn, tough on grease, gentle on your hands ; )
Oh, and Drew, you were so diplomatic. I guess I can see his point about a “gay” moment that was really about guys digging guys, rather than just generically stoopid!
And oh my . . . a quick scan of the people posting there . . . if that’s the only posts he ever reads he’ll never understand.
While I would love for OranJello or Beaker to win this season, I’m just really hoping that Blazehawk or Sexist Pigshit doesn’t win. How disapointing it will be if either of those two won. ugh…
Lainie..not to be the post police but we try our best to not post spoilers in recaps from the week before, just in case our fellow Gasmii haven’t had a chance to view the show as of yet. Also, many J-mo fans come here for the recaps but don’t watch the shows so they rely on him to reveal the winners. No worries…when we really need to get a particularly upsetting win/defeat off our chests, we meet up in the forums. See you there!
I Love me Some J-Mo.
I was saving this to read tonight because I knew I would have time to enjoy it and it didn’t disapoint.
Kinda like a good book. Thanks J-Mo. You are one of the best.
Hugs and love, Robin
So sorry about the post delete but no winner talk until the recap!! Xo
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KILL ME!!!!!! KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!! Get on it J-Mo!!! I love you, but I’m just DYIN’ Now.
BTW, for all of you that thought the last QF was the worst, check out THIS one. At least I did love the winners. I just want to stab myself in the throat after this whole sorry epi. Where the Hell is my hard liquor???
Holy comments, Batman! Well I have to thank Fabio for one thing – because of his ignorant behaviour, many great comments made their way to this blog! Goodbye and good riddance – won’t miss you… Now we just need 2 more jerks to leave and the show will be perfect! Carla (and Juanita, etc) for the win!
J-Mo: I think that a long line is about to get started and I want to be one of the first, but will you please hold so I don’t hurt myself or others. I am not sure I can be like Mrs.Dion and go on. Oh hold me it ‘s so cold.
sarcasatire and flipit
Sorry, my bad. Thanks for being so nice regarding my ignorance.
That said, WAAAAAAAHHHHH! I’m sooooo sad. However, muppets rule!
Hey Guys!
Love you, J-Mo! I’ve never commented before but just wanted to say that I was on the Jimmy Fallon set last week when Carla was on. (My brother got the awesome perm, if any of you were watching). The pot pie smelled incredible and SHE came up to US after and asked for a picture! She laughed and danced with us, and gave my brother hair tips. I was trying to be cool but I was totally nerding out over meeting her! What an amazing person!! GO CARLA!!
And I can’t believe what a dick Fabio ended up being. GROSS.