Hey Hey Gasmii. TheMiki here, taking the reins for TCJD due to… Actually, I’m not sure. Flipit tells us to do stuff and we just sorta do it. He’s like Charlie and all us recappers are his angels, except instead of fighting crime we drink and instead of a loudspeaker he uses email. I hope that whatever is keeping Pottymouth from finishing off the season is something awesome like winning the lottery or scoring an awesome job or being proposed to by Hugh Jackman. Pottymouth is one of my favorite cappers, so I’m a bit nervous about trying to fill her shoes. Direct all hate mail to Flipit.
So my roommate and I have been playing a game all season, and maybe you guys can help us out. The game is called, “What the fuck is wrong with Craig and who the fuck does Matthew look like???” So far neither one of us has come up with a satisfying answer to either question, but we’re pretty sure Craig’s issues have something to do with oxygen deprivation at a very young age.
Possibly as the result of marathon swirlies in elementary school, which would also explain the hair
In case you guys forgot, Rebecca fractured her wrist (and babbled about it all episode), Craig sucks, and Orlando is an asshole. That’s about it so far. I’m pulling for Matthew and Sally, but it’s early and no one’s really standing out too far as being especially likable. We’re aiming more for not-dislikable at this point really. And aside from Jafar no one seems to be anxious to play the role of villain this season either. I miss Seth, you guys.
Best. Meltdown. Ever.
Let’s jump right into the action, because this episode is starting off with a Quickfire. Oh, and guess who’s here to judge???
Hugh-nibrow from TC Masters!!!
I’m not sure who told Hugh that a man of his stature could pull off a lavender tee under a cardigan, but I’m pretty sure that whoever it was is laughing hysterically at their T.V. right now. We’re pimping gum today, because Biggest Loser is on the off-season they take for about five weeks a year and someone’s gotta pimp that Extra.
I hear this stuff only has five calories and will satisfy my cravings for deep fried cheesecake
Today’s challenge is to create a dessert to inspire a new flavor of Extra Dessert Delights Gum. Free pimpage from TheMiki: The mint chocolate chip flavor is fucking awesome! Anyway, Craig tells us he likes gum, and desserts, and ponies and rainbows… Gail tells the chefs they have to fit their finished desserts on itty bitty plates, and the winner will score 25k and the honor of having their recipe made into a gum.
Is it that difficult to make a dessert and then cut a little piece off to put on one of these plates?
Dude! He’s choking himself. Oxygen deprivation is looking more and more likely
Amanda tells us about her boyfriend and her liking pina coladas, so she’s gonna make a pina colada. That’s a super innovative gum flavor there. Dumbass. Craig is making pancakes, which is better than pina colada and all, but it’s not even a dessert. Matthew and Chris chase each other around the kitchen giggling like school-girls while Melissa complains and Megan complains about her complaining, which makes me giggle.
So do you have a date to the Winter Formal yet…?
Time… Is… Up!
Rebecca is up first. Hey did you guys know she broke her wrist? Cause she totally did. And she made a panna cotta that neither judge seems impressed with. But she made it with only one hand. Because one of her hands doesn’t work. Because she broke it.
Putting something that looks like vomit in a white porcelain bowl might have been a mis-step.
Craig’s pancakes seem to go over well
Even his dessert has a faux-hawk
Sally made a passion fruit pina colada which Gail says is very tart and Sally whips out the crazy eyes and tells her she WANTED it TART.
eep! Don’t hurt me
Matthew made an oatmeal cookie parfait, which Hugh-nibrow says is a bit on the sweet side
Amanda made a pina colada, cause she’s so damn innovative
Not that I wouldn’t eat the shit out of some coconut rum mousse…
Carlos made passion fruit gelee with coconut tapioca, so essentially he made a fucking pina colada. This is retarded. His is totally the prettiest though
Melissa made a white coffee thing and I can’t hear the rest because I’m drooling. I’m such a sucker for coffee.
The million dollar question upon reading the description: What the hell is that red thing in the corner?
Katzie, who clearly doesn’t like Melissa, makes this face at the mention of her dessert along with some bitchy mean girl comments
Pastry chefs are classy
Katzie made something really complicated that looks terrible
A cup full of dirt that’s actually growing sprouts. Mmmmmmm
Nelson made a black forrest dessert, so cherries and booze, which is my kinda gum
Hold the cherries, please
Okay, time to call out the looosahs. Rebecca, not enough flavors. Melissa, no one wants gum that gives them coffee breath. Matthew, tasted like a super sweet granola bar.
Matthew takes losing super well though
Winners: Craig (ha!) because the pancake idea was original and the flavors would come through as a gum. Nelson’s cherries and booze flavor was a winner, and Carlos’ dressed up pina colada was also tasty. And the winner is… Craig. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
We’re as shocked as you are, buddy
Dumbledork just won $25k. Gail asks him what he’s gonna do with the money and he says he’s going shopping. He really should think about going to the orthodontist, but let’s face it, better teeth are not going to make that boy do-able. He should probably just shop. Or buy a hooker.
Yeah, Hooker. Final answer.
For the elimination challenge they’ll be splitting into two teams. Craig gets to choose the captains, and he chooses himself and Amanda.
Team Craig is: Sally, Matthew, Orlando (who bitches immediately about how much Craig sucks), Nelson, and Rebecca
I’m trying really hard to establish myself as the villain this season
Team Amanda is: Chris, Carlos, Meghan, Katzi, and Melissa, who is always picked last.
This week’s elimination challenge is to create a dessert table presentation for Real Housewife Lisa VanDerPump’s husband’s restaurant. Dammit! I watch none of this housewife crap. Anyway, Real Husband of Beverly Hills tells the chefs that his wife Lisa loves pink and fresh flowers and her little midget dog Jiggy.
The chefs must prepare no more than six desserts as a team and present them all as a cohesive table for the celebration. Lisa and some other Real Housewives will by by to judge the next day.
Will I go to hell if I point out that Asian people should never look at dogs this way?
Team Dumbledork is muttering about shades of pink and raspberries. Craig tries to be a leader cause that’s his job and his teammates are all pretty nice about pretending to listen to his ideas. It’s like watching a bunch major league ball players getting coached by some kid who won a special prize from the Special Olympics. I predict there will be a lot of smiling and nodding, followed by dismissal, on Team Dumbledork.
Pretend to listen pretend to listen
Over on Team Bitchypants, which I’ve just named them cause they all look so damn curmudgeony, they’re arguing about colors and not listening to each other. I feel really bad for Carlos, who looks both annoyed and hopeless, but I assume his personal skills will be enough to pull him through when his team eats shit.
The planning phase is over and it’s time to hit the kitchen. Six hours to cook! Team Dumbledork is on point and working well so far. Team Bitchypants still doesn’t even know what they’re going to make, so team captain Amanda steps up and leads the charge or some shit. I don’t know. She tells us via narration that she stepped up and lead the charge but all I see is her talking to her teammates until Chris tells her that she’s the captain and to tell them what to do and they’ll do it.
Okay, everyone stand around looking pissed. Go!
Over on Team Dumbledork, Captain Craig is making a lemonade and gets done early so he can help his team. Sally lets him pipe her macaroons, but only after slowing him down and walking him through the process very slowly.
Sally is so obviously a teacher, and it seems to be serving her well on Top Chef. Orlando, who Pottymouth pointed out looks just like Jafar and who shall henceforth be known as Jafar, is making a pulled sugar chandelier centerpiece. Okay, Jafar is an ass, but this pulled sugar blown glass thing is doing is fucking amazing. I am officially impressed.
Bro, after this could you make me a sugar bong?
Team Bitchypants has Chris working on a chandelier as well, but his is massive and made from bamboo and PVC pipe. Katzie is making dog treats for Jiggy as a little something extra, and I pray that she knows what foods are toxic to dogs even though they’re perfectly safe for humans. Jiggy looks like he weighs roughly 8.3 ounces, and one bite of chocolate could easily send him to doggy heaven.
And yes, dog bones look kinda like a penis inkblot
Side note: Katzi makes small talk with Melissa about whether she had a dog when she was a kid and Melissa rolls her eyes and looks at her like she’s stupid. Psssst!!! Melissa!!! I think we might be getting to the bottom of why you’re always picked last.
Hint: It’s cause no one likes you
Nelson is making dog-head lollipops that look kinda demonic. Problem #1 with this idea is that the lollipops look like minions of the dark lord. Problem #2 is that even if Nelson whips out the mad sculpting skillz, does anyone want to EAT A LOLLIPOP IN THE SHAPE OF A DOG HEAD?
El Chupacabra on a stick
Melissa gives Craig props for trying really hard to be a team leader, and I actually think that Craig might be the best man for the job. Everyone is nice to him because they’re scared he might cry or have a Seth-Redhots-breakdown, but no one expects him to really contribute, so they all make sure they’re busting their butts. Is this why every manager I had when I worked in restaurants was always so bloody incompetent?
Melissa is burning stuff repeatedly, so she’ll have to redo her dish tomorrow. Everyone else looks to be on track though. And with that day one draws to a close. Whip out that Glad Family of Products and wrap those deserts up so you can roll them into your GE Refrigerator. Extra sugar free gum.
The next morning… Jafar sleeps in glasses. Hmmm….
Otherwise his dreams are blurry?
Amanda is sick and she can’t smell or taste or think straight. Nelson solves a Rubix cube in what looks like a very short period of time, and the nerd in me suddenly is on board for Team Nelson. Hell yeah for the dork smarts.
Dude just got so much cooler
Off to the kitchen, Melissa is bitching about having to redo some of her dish but says that Amanda has been a great leader. Amanda still doesn’t feel great so she sends Chris out to present. Good call… And they should probably send Matthew out for Team Dumbledork, but I doubt that’s gonna happen. Oh well.
Nelson has decided he doesn’t like the way his demon hellspawn dog-head lollipops look, so he’s wrapping them in pink chocolate with a pouf of cotton candy. Last minute he decides to throw in a pink chocolate side dish as well. I’m just happy that the creepy dog-head on a stick thing didn’t happen. Even done really well it would look like a warning to other dogs not to mess with Team Dumbledork.
Semi-creepy, but at least it’s not impaled on a stick
The chefs are setting up the tables. Not much of interest there. No fights, nothing breaks, no one cries… Weak sauce.
I remember this slide from STD week in health class
In walk the guests of honor. They say things like, “Lovely” and “Beautiful” as they point and gush at things. Back in the kitchen Melissa is struggling with a component that won’t set all the way or something, but she says it tastes amazing. Cause that always works out on Top Chef.
Jiggy is a tough nut to crack
Gail introduces the judging committee, which is half real housewives and half actual chefs. The chefs are the ones whose faces move when they have emotions, just in case anyone gets confused.
Team Bitchypants presents first. Amanda starts everyone off with some booze.
Good thing there’s champagne at the bottom cause that’s the only way you’d get me to drink buttermilk foam
Carlos made a cigar
I understand two of those words…
Katzi made a macaroon getting it’s temperature taken
So the little dropper is filled with mint oil that you drizzle over the cookie. Seeing something syringe-like on her plate, the blonde housewife forgets she’s not at one of her Injectables Parties…
Oh thank god! My lips were beginning to deflate.
Melissa made a white chocolate brownie that the housewives like, which makes Melissa happy
It’s a shame someone had to come along and… Oh never mind
Megan made a pink velvet cake with chocolate mousse
This one too? I feel like I’m on the set of Top Chef on Skinimax After Dark
Team Bitchypants finishes things up by presenting Jiggy with a doggy treat, which is actually pretty cute and a good game move.
Jiggy approves. You may all live.
Here’s the complete table for Team Bitchypants.
It’s time for Team Dumbledork. Their deserts are prettier right off the bat.
That thing is the middle is Jafar’s sugar-piece. Yeah. Awesome.
And then the morons cover it with stupid flowers **Facepalm**
Sally is up first
A bloody turd in a pile of spittle. Lovely.
Hugh-nibrow yells at her because her sorbet is melting. I think it’s unfair to blame a chef for ambient room temperature, but that’s why I’m not a judge
Matthew is up next
“Entremet” means small dish, in case anyone else was wondering
Nelson is up with his lollypop
I’ll take gross looking over nightmare-inducing, so this is an improvement
Craig’s lemonade is up, and it’s not good
The housewives chastise him for creating a dessert that they can’t consume without messing up their lipstick. They also appear to not like the taste all that much.
Rebecca made a chocolate beet cake. Gross
That sounds absolutely disgusting, but everyone seems to enjoy it.
She also made a rhubarb rose crisp.
Garnished with wood shavings for the rustic down home taste
The chefs get scolded for not making anything for Jiggy, and it’s looking like Team Bitchypants might be coming in for the surprise win.
Jiggy grows weary of your non Jiggy related desserts. Jiggy shall destroy you all.
In this week’s “We’re back, psyche! No we’re not!” Bravo moment, there’s some hijinks over Johnny Troubador talking about Chris’ tart being too firm, and Mrs. Vanderpump telling him he can’t say things like that. Hilarity.
Don’t roll your eyes, forty year old man with a wallet chain.
We’re back for reals this time, and the Real Housewives are choosing the winning team. There’s some blah blah back and forth about the pros and cons of each team, but they manage to come to a decision. They bring the chefs back out, and the winning team is… Team Bitchypants. Nice, with the come from behind win. Amanda is a little peeved that they called them “Chris’ Team” when it was her team, but that’s what she gets for getting the flu.
With their coats open they look ready to lead a gay 90′s marching band
Time for judge’s table and some scolding of Team Dumbledork. They get told that their table was a little too young and whimsical for a refined woman. Nelson gets told his lollipops were too sweet. Sally gets yelled at for not being able to control the temperature at which sorbet melts. YouBear tells Craig that his lemonade was terrible and Hugh-nibrow says that he would have gotten rid of him because he didn’t do anything. Melissa jumps in to defend him and say that he helped out with all sorts of things and he did a lot for the team. He has immunity anyway, but it’s nice that these people are being nice to him because I doubt that happens very often.
So now the judges deliberate. Melissa is probably safe, since her crumble went over really well. Jafar is definitely safe because his sugar pulling was top-notch. Gail is a bit upset about how he tarted up his centerpiece with a bunch of stupid flowers, but I can’t imagine they would send him home over that. Clearly it’s either Sally or Nelson leaving. Even though Nelson’s dorkiness has endeared him to me, I’m still pulling for Sally.
Craig’s trying not to cry face
Judging time!!!! Rebecca and Matthew get sent back to the stew room right away because they did really well. Craig gets told he made the worst dish and would be going home if he didn’t have immunity, but he does have immunity so he can go back too.
You’re safe from elimination, but you’re getting a swirlie after class
The chef leaving is…
Nelson. Aww… I kinda liked him. Back in the stew room Craig is whining about how Johnny was mean to him and Jafar busts out and tells everyone to shut up and keep their sad stories top themselves, and we close on Jafar sitting in the corner glaring all Bond Villain style.
I’ll get you, Gadget!
Okay, poll time. Is everyone on this show so nice to Craig because…
a. They are actually decent human beings
b. They are the first contestants in the history of reality television to realize that people will judge them for the petty shit they do while cameras are rolling
c. They’ve seen Full Metal Jacket
Thanks for reading everyone. I think this is the first time in the years I’ve been recapping that I’m working on a show I actually like, so this is a strange experience for me. Hope everyone is enjoying the recaps and the Top Chef. I’ve gotta say that season two is so much less cool than season one so far. No crazies, no mean girl cliques, and no Morgan to piss off everyone else. Let’s hope someone has a melt-down soon here.