Happy Halloween, Gasmi! I’m usually not a big fan of Halloween (if it weren’t for my kid I’d be the cranky lady who keeps her light off all night), but this week’s episode of Top Chef Just Desserts gave us some mighty fine treats! Sure, there were a couple of tricks along the way, but honestly, you need the balance in life or you’ll just end up getting one big bellyache, amirightoramiright?
We start the episode back at the apartment where Haggy and Yigit are giggling and carrying on like a couple of twelve year olds at their first sleepover.
Or maybe Yigit’s trying to do us all a solid by suffocating her.
Haggy tells us she thinks that people were glad to see her in the bottom. She’s right; I was glad as hell to see her in the bottom. I would have been gladder still had her nasty bitch ass been sent home instead of Erika. Yes, I’m still bitter, what of it? She’s not going to worry about it though because she’s already been in the top a bunch of times. Have I mentioned lately that I can’t stand her?
Yigit reminds us all that he won the last challenge, and he tells us he thinks he has a target on his back since their second or third day here. I’d say he has more of a target now because of the haggy company he’s been keeping, but in all fairness he HAS been a contender from the start. He’s hoping that Team Diva is going to be the final three.
Not if Morgan has anything to say about it! He tells us he really needs to break up Team Diva. He thinks that Yigit is a technical master, Haggy is sharp as a tack, and Zac brings a certain flair; together that makes them a dangerous combo.
Do you think anyone would notice if they all just disappeared? What? It was a rhetorical question! Sort of.
In the kitchen, Gail and Johnny are waiting for them. The first thing Gail tells them is that from this point forward there will be no more immunity. With that tidbit out of the way, she’s ready to tell us about the quickfire challenge. She tells them they’re going to be testing their pastry skills and their ability to stay calm under pressure. It’s the pastry mise en place (or relay) challenge!
Zac thinks that the relay is the most anticipated quickfire because it brings edge of your seat excitement. I don’t know about excitement, but I’m always curious to see who has the skills under pressure. Sometimes the ones you think are going to be awesome crash and burn. Of course every time they do this challenge I immediately think of Hung because he kicked all sorts of ass in this challenge on his season.
Anyway, Johnny tells them that there’s three major factors to working in a busy pastry kitchen: organization, speed, and precision.
I think it also goes without saying that plenty of hair gel is also always pretty handy.
This challenge is going to test all of that (minus the hair gel part). He’s really excited to see how they’re going to do in this competition. Before they can begin teams must be chosen, and in a totally non producer manipulated move Team GoBitchFace all end up on a team together. Wow. What a coincidence. I wonder how many times they did the cookie selection before getting that result. Or maybe they do like So You Think You Can Dance where the person has to pick the top cookie (or card). either way there’s no way I believe that that was random.
Not buying it.
Olive Oyly tells us that Team GoBitchFace thinks they’re too cool for school so she’s really hoping they can beat them. And even though I think she’s greasy and gross, I hope they beat them too. Johnny lays out the challenge for them. For the first leg they have to mold twelve perfect tart shells. For the second leg, pipe eight perfect buttercream roses, each about the size of a silver dollar. Eric is very excited about the buttercream roses.
Well, as excited as Eric ever gets about anything.
For the third leg, they need to separate and then whip six egg whites to firm peaks. They must be stiff enough so that the chefs can hold the bowl over their heads for ten seconds without anything falling out.
Heh. I said stiff. Hehehe.
The final leg is all about streudel. They have to stretch a ball of streudel dough out over their entire table, and then when it’s judged to be okay, they must fill it and roll it up ending with an apple filled horseshoey thing. Morgan tells us about the complexity of struedel dough pulling and how easy it is to rip or tear it; it must be done with absolute perfection.
The prize for this quickfire our challenge is gonna be $3,000 for each chef on the winning team, furnished by product placed dishwashing detergent. Everyone is excited by the prospect of money, and Zac tells us it’s a great incentive. He loves dong what he does, but if he can paid a lot of money while dong it, even better. Thanks Zac, I think you’ve summed up how all of us would feel about getting some extra dough.
Gail gives them a minute to strategize, and then they’re ready to go. Up first is Yigit taking on Olive Oyly in the battle of the pastry tarts. I thought for sure Yigit would blow her out of the water with some mad tart shaping skills, but the opposite happens. Oyly blows through the shells while Yigit is behind and then has to redo four of them because of uneven dough. I never would have called that one!
Next, Eric is taking on the roses for his team while Haggy steps up to the plate for Team GoBitchFace. Right away Haggy starts to catch up, but that has more to do with Eric making much nicer roses than her. Hers are like the bare minimum, but his are really nice. Shit, Johnny even compliments him on how nice they are.
Now it’s Zac v. Morgan in an egg white off. Zac knows that he’s got to put everything into this to try and beat Morgan. He looks like a crazy man as he furiously beats his egg whites. Hilariously, Morgan is staring over at him calmly the whole time he is doing his, looking like it takes as much effort as it would take him to scratch his ass.
I could beat it all day long, son. In fact, some days I do.
Morgan calls for a check first and survives the ten second hold over his head without any egg dripping incident. Zac is just a few seconds behind him, but tells us he didn’t want to call time until he knew they would be perfect; he doesn’t want to get egg on his face. Yuk, yuk, yuk. So a few short seconds later he is ready, and no egg dripping happens on his watch either.
Now both teams are pulling their streudels. It looks to be pretty close, and at one point I’m thinking that Morgan’s team has pulled ahead, but it seems like they’re having problems with tears in their dough. In then end, Team GoBitchFace are the first to stretch out their dough, and from there it’s just some filling and a roll up before they’re declared the winners of the quickfire.
Ugh. Can someone please smack them for me?
Time to hear about the elimination challenge. For this week’s challenge they are going to put a twist on an old Top Chef favorite; Restaurant Wars will become Dessert Wars. Oh, I like it! Everyone is excited, and Eric says that this challenge is always the most talked about on every season of Top Chef. For this challenge the chefs will remain in their relay teams with each team opening their own bake shop.
Each person will be responsible for three items on the menu, and Gail wants them to create their own ultimate dessert fantasyland. Of the nine items they are preparing, one must be a bread item. Johnny tells them that they need to figure out how to please their customers since it is a complete experience.
May I suggest free sides of hair gel with every $5 purchase?
The Gail springs some great news on them: the winning team for this challenge will walk away with $30,000. Much clapping and smiling can be seen and heard throughout the kitchen. Oyly reeeeeeaaaalllllyyyy wants to win this since she has yet to win any money.
No word on whether she’d use the winnings to buy some shampoo.
The chefs head next door where their shell bake shops await, each outfitted with things like a display case, chalkboard, tables and chairs, glass domes, etc. Everything they need to launch a bake shop. They have forty five minutes to plan, but have to use that time for planning everything including decor and even what types of plates they’re going to use. Yigit tells us that considering he’s been planning his pastry shop for the last year, forty five minutes is nuttin.
The teams sit down and get to their planning. Zac wants his team to figure out first what their concept is going to be. Haggy says it’s going to be like a candy shop for adults. Wouldn’t that be a CANDY shop, not a pastry shop? I know if you tell me it’s an adult candy store my ass is expecting to see CANDY, not baked goods. Over on the other team, Eric asks if they want an overall theme. Yep. Morgan wants to use comfort as their theme. Yes! That’s great.
But things can’t go smoothly the entire time, so we’re treated to some Morgan/Oyly bickering. Eric is less than thrilled about this, but says he just sits and waits for their arguments to be over and then he goes on. He’s like a kindergarten teacher. Maybe he should trying flicking the lights on and off to get them to be quiet.
I knew I should have had some smoke before we left the house this morning.
With the planning period over, the teams head out to do their shopping. They have thirty minutes and a $1,000 budget. Team GoBitchFace is buying stuff like bubbles and ribbons, and I’m hoping none of the bubbles get in their food since we already had one chef booted for soap flavored food. Zac tells us how they have style and the other team are loozahs. You know how you can tell? They’re going to be putting their flowers in candy instead of water.
See how fabulous we are?
Meanwhile, Morgan has snuck into the back and is asking the workers in Spanish if there are any riper bananas. He tells us their team really wants to win, especially after losing the quickfire. He says Team BitchFace thinks they are soooo hot. At the register Yigit notices that the other team has a lot of produce in their cart so he has no idea what they’re going to do. Doesn’t matter though, whatever they make Team BitchFace’s food is going to be better. Nyeh nyeh nyeh.
Back to the kitchen where they have five hours to prep. Heather blahs the outline of the challenge back at us for those among us with Alzheimer’s. Oh, and she christens the other team Team Loozahs. HATE. Her.
Yigit tells us there is so much to do that his team is taking an assembly line approach. He thinks as long as they keep their heads in the game, their technique will push them to a win. We see part of their menu, but I’m going to wait until we see ALL the actual food. Haggy is taking care of all the dough for her team, but because they have to share a sheeter she’s rolling it all out by hand. Yigit hopes that doesn’t come back to bite him later. My guess is that it will.
Oyly is working the sheeter right now, and all of a sudden I think about what an advantage they have if any of their dishes call for greased pans. Think of the money they’ve saved on shortening! But what’s this? Morgan is concerned because he can only find two of their team’s four bags of lemons. Since Yigit appears to have every other available lemon in the kitchen at his station, Morgan assumes that Yigit has their lemons.
Don’t make me come over there and shove a lemon up your ass.
Of course Yigit doesn’t take kindly to the accusation of lemon theft, telling us he did grab the entire crate of lemons and he won’t be using them all but he will be taking his sweet ass time turning the ones he doesn’t use over to the other team. I don’t think it sounds like he took their lemons; maybe they misplaced them (or a producer hid them). Either way, Yigit doesn’t appreciate the accusation. Morgan still looks like he wants to beats Yigit’s ass.
Morgan’s I Will Beat Your Fucking Ass face.
This is just the start of the Morgan drama though. Now he starts banging around sheet pans and stomping around the kitchen huffing and puffing and trying to blow the place down. He’s cursing up a storm while Oyly and Eric look over at him like he’s a maniac. Which he is.
Oyly is concerned because she thinks that their day tomorrow depends on Morgan NOT being an asshole and she’s not sure he can do that. Yigit calls time as a little bit of something drips out of his mouth.
Uh, Yigit? When Morgan said “Blow me” I don’t think he meant it literally.
Back at the apartment the chefs dig into some inconspicuously placed products while discussing their day. Eric wants to have a team meeting. Morgan says it should go a little something like “I’m sorry, we’re fucked.” Hahaha, what a drama queen. Eric is worried that Morgan can destroy their chance of winning this challenge if he doesn’t pull it together while Morgan whines on and on about how much he has to do tomorrow. Suck it up buttercup!
We get a poll tonight, but it’s all about which person on Team BitchFace is the biggest bitch. I think we can all agree that that person is Haggy. Right? We have to wait to find out. I know the suspense is probably going to drive me crazy. Not.
The next morning the chef head back into the kitchen where they will have two hours to prep before their shops open for business. Eric is happy that Morgan seems to be in a good mood today, but he’s worried that two hours is not enough time to get it all together. Yigit tells Haggy they’re a little in the shit right now but everything is looking great.
Well, except for this.
Yigit is not happy, and immediately asks Zac if the bowl is his (love). Nope, it’s Haggy’s. She tells him it’s just whipped cream, but he’s still annoyed because he’s covered in it. Hey, it could be worse; it could be honey or something else equally sticky and gooey.
Haggy tells us how chaotic it is in the kitchen, they’re running back and forth to fill up the display case (Zac is running back and forth NOT her), and they don’t have a lot in there compared to the other team.
Since when does not a lot mean NONE AT ALL?
Yeah, I’d say they’re in the weeds. Meanwhile on the other team Oyly is running around the kitchen making weird squeaky noises. You know, I could almost like her if she’d fucking bathe. The teams continue to scramble to get ready in time, and before you know it, customers start to arrive.
The basic set up is that each shop has servers, and two chefs in the front and one in the back making the a la minute items. For Pastry Playland (aka Team BitchFace) Yigit and Zac are front of the house, while Haggy is in the kitchen. For the other team (aka Team IHopeTheyBeatTheirAsses), Eric and Oyly are front of the house, Morgan holds down the fort in the kitchen. I question the choice of Oyly in the front because her nasty hair could turn anyone’s stomach, but I guess it makes more sense to keep Morgan in the kitchen because of his propensity to stomp around cursing (though I’ve never seen him do that in a challenge). The choice to keep Haggy in the kitchen? DUH.
Here come the judges! As usual we have Gail and Johnny HairGel. Joining them will be guest judge Nancy Silverton who has forever memorialized her beloved poodle by having him stuffed and mounted on her head.
His name was muffin and I miss him so.
Also joining us for judging is YouBear Keller! Hot diggity dog it’s about fucking time! Welcome back, YouBear, we’ve missed you! They’re visiting Pastry Playland first and Gail asks them about their shop. He tells her they made very sophisticated desserts, but with a kids’ visual palate. The judges will be taking one of each. Please.
Over at their table, Johnny is admiring their decor, saying he likes that they created some extra items outside of their workload to use as decorations. YouBear probably wud haf done one ting a leetle deefrentlee. Zere eez so much pastree on zee rackz; ee wud haf put more een zee deesplay.
Wow. They sure got a lot done before the judges got there, huh?
Yigit brings over their first course which are all of Zac’s dishes.
Ummmm, that brioche looks so freaking good. I think I could do without the cumshake though.
The judges dig in while Johnny tells the others that each team had to do two a la minute desserts and one bread item. Zac has done both the bread and one of the a la minute items. They all seem to love the donut, while no one really enjoys the cumshake. The brioche gets rave reviews from Nancy, and Gail is annoyed at the uneven application of bacon bits in her popcorn; some kernels have nothing while others are drenched.
Back in the kitchen one of the servers tells Haggy he needs a fresh frozen yogurt on the fly. She’s annoyed by the request. Is it wrong that I love to see her frazzled?
Yigit presents his own dishes to the judges.
What’s with the blood clots all over his food? I can’t even comment on the poop tart; you all know how I feel about those by now.
Johnny comments on how good Yigit is with the textures of his ice cream, and Gail thinks it is quite delicious. YouBear is unimpressed by his fraisier, telling zee ozers zat zee visual was of; ee couldn’t tell whut eet was right away. But the biggest problem is his tart; the dough is so thick on the bottom, it’s almost impossible to cut through it. Rut roh.
Back in the kitchen, Haggy is telling at a server demanding to know why something has been sent back.
I dunno, I’m just an actor working my first gig; the director told me to come back here. Line!!!
Zac tries to intervene telling us that Haggy doesn’t seem to be in a good place right now. Is she ever? He tells her to focus on getting out her judges’ plates, but she wants the beauty plates to go out first. Her rationale for this is that she doesn’t want the server to get confused, which she tells Zac in the most condescending way possible both to him and about the server who happens to be standing right there listening to her talk about him as if he is mentally defective.
Ummmm…..I was not given the note to go full retard on this. Hello?
She tells Zac to shut up. He wants to know if she just told him to shut up. Yes, SHUT UP. He tells her she needs to get the judes’ plates out first because making them wait is sure to piss them off.
And don’t ever tell me to shut up again
Hahahahhahaha! Is it wrong that I am thoroughly enjoying this little tif? The only thing that would make it better would be if Zac bitchslapped her.
Haggy’s dishes go out to he judges.
Mmmmm…..nothing beats a cup o’poop. Except maybe a strawberry mohawk. Punk dessert.
Before they get to Haggy’s food, Nancy comments on what a lovely presence Yigit has; YouBear agreezz.
Moving on the Haggy’s food, Gail likes the presentation. YouBear points out zat yu don’t want tu see ze fingreprintz on zee dezzert; eets made even wurse because zee dezzert has beeen frozen. Nancy thinks the key lime flavor is way too timid; when she hears citrus, she wants to pucker. Well in all fairness to Haggy, she’s puckered all the time so she probably thought the flavor was bold. Sucks when your own sourness ruins a dessert for you, huh?
Johnny points out that her tart crust is sucky as well; they wonder if it’s the same crust; it’s no bueno and totally underbaked. Yep, Johnny, it’s the same crust all right!
Once the judges lave Pastry Playland, the special orders start coming in. There seem to be a group of finicky diners (aka producer plants) ordering special requests from both bakeries. Both sides seem to handle these requests well, with Morgan telling us he doesn’t work at the no factory; he whips ups an on the fly dessert for a guy who is allergic to nuts and processed food.
Mad Scientist Morgan
I thought for sure he’d be the one to snap at the special orders, but he was all about making people happy. Good lord, they’re already selling a T-shirt with Morgan’s saying on it.
I’m still upset I never bought an “I’m not your bitch, Bitch!” shirt. Waaaaaaahhhhhhh!
The judges arrive at Whisk Me Away (LOVE LOVE LOVE this name!). Oyly tells Gail that their concept is all about comfort, then she mumbles something about a chocolate chip cookies and sort of trails off. Maybe she got some grease in her mouth or something. Gail loves the look of Whisk Me Away.
Probably because they actually have stuff in their display case!
She’s less than impressed by Oyly’s personality, especially compared to Yigit. Speaking if Oyly, here she comes with Eric’s desserts.
What’s with the random chocolate ball on top of his cake? I’m also not digging the creepy loaf covered icing on his banana loaf.
Ze layered cak ees not YouBear’s particular favrit; ees pretty rich when yu eat eet. But ee must say, zee textur of zee buttercream ees rilly well done. Nancy loves seeing a chocolate chip cookie made without using prepackaged chocolate chips. Gal wonders if a chocolate chip cookie is too simple, but Johnny reminds her that this is supposed to be a business as well, so they have to make sure they will have things they know will sell.
None of them are fans of the banana loaf; YouBear would have liked to see eet a leetle beet browner, and Johnny thinks the texture is off. That being said, Gal thinks the flavor of it is really nice.
Time for Oyly’s dishes.
Oooooooo! Is that homemade ginger ale? If so, I want some!
Gail loves Oyly’s ginger ale (I think it’s totally homemade, mmmmmmm), but Nancy doesn’t know that she’s have chosen to do sorbets in the float. Johnny likes that she used a paper brioche cup to plate her shortcake; he thinks it’s not only clever, but convenient as well.
The dud of Oyly’s dishes looks to be the coffee cream pie; as with Haggy’s key lime tart the judges are looking for more oomph in the flavor of it. Johnny’s missing the unctuous coffee profile. Ironically, one of the definitions of unctuous happens to be to have a greasy texture or appearance. Johnny, do we really want Oyly thinking she needs to be even greasier.
My answer tu zat ees a defineet no to zee greazzee.
From here we’re jumping right into Morgan’s food.
Hey now! Check out the size of Morgan’s pretzel!
Yes, size DOES matter. Nancy loves the lemon pie so I’m guessing it made her pucker. Or maybe that was the thought of the pretzel. Johnny is not happy that the pretzel is so phallic greasy, and he thinks Morgan’s may have rubbed it with butter. Or perhaps Oyly handled it a little too much before serving it. Whatever the case, Gail says all she needs a pint of beer and you wouldn’t hear any complaints from her about Morgan’s pretzel.
You did see the size of that thing, didn’t you?
Johnny says the construction of Morgan’s cake is just perfect and Nancy thinks it’s the most sophisticated of any of the desserts they’ve seen today. Gail points out that Morgan has shown them the most range here today.
With that, the challenge is over. Nothing left to do but fill out comment cards, show some random ass kissing from the crowd, and
have Team BitchFace make my palms itch to smack them
Morgan tells us he gave this challenge 110% and he really hopes they beat Team BitchFace. Me too, Morgan, me too. He says that they as a team made some people smile, he saw those smiles, and he feels great.
The snippet of the week this time around is all about Morgan and Oyly and how they love to fight and are like brother and sister. She totally wants to munch on his pretzel you guys.
Judges’ table. They’re all out there waiting to hear what the judges think of their shops. Gail tells them there were some amazing highs, but also some lows. What did Team Whisk Me Away think of the experience? Eric says they wanted to do comfort food, not complicated food and he thinks it came together nicely.
Nancy tells them that the effort they spent in making it a place someone would want to spend time in was very noticeable. Johnny calls t Oyly for her lacksadaisical approach to service, ad she says they were going for a casual feel to their bakery. Johnny doesn’t let her off the hook though, telling her that just because the food is casual, doesn’t mean the service should be. There’s a big difference.
A little shampoo goes a long way.
They ding Eric for the paleness of his banana loaf, and Nancy talks about their issues with the texture, thinking perhaps there was an issue with the leavening. Eric agrees immediately, saying he could not remember the recipe and it was driving him crazy.
Gail asks Morgan if he’s ever made the chocolate mousse cake with Creme brulee filing. Not like that, no. Nancy tells him that was a dessert to truly be proud of; it looked like a dessert that you would find in any glossy paged French cookbook.
Yu weel be giving me zat recipe later, no?
They move on to Oyly, and she’s thinking they’re going to tell her that there wasn’t enough coffee flavor in her pie. Yep, that’s exactly right. Nancy thinks there are those flavors in life like coffee, chocolate or lemon that when you say them they have to be assertive or you shouldn’t do them.
Team BitchFace’s turn. How did they feel about their shop? Zac thinks they took risks and put together a really complex menu. They really created a dessert experience rather than a grab and go bakery.
Like SOME people. coughwhiskmeawaycough
He was really happy with their product and where they got to in the end. Gail asks Yigit if he enjoyed his experience in the front of the house. He had a ball.
They talk to Zac about his desserts. They loved the donut but thought the cumshake was nasty. Nancy tells him his brioche was perfection. They call Haggy out for the fingerprints on her key lime bar, and the weakness of flavor. Moving on to Yigit, Gail asks if h was happy with his chocolate tart. He was. He thinks that maybe the shell was a little too thick. The judges all take exception with that statement and YouBear tells him he almost broke the pate trying to cut through it.
Yigit is a gentleman here, not calling out Haggy for his crappy tart shell (you know she would have been all about the fact that he made it if the situation was reserved), but she does jump in and say that she made the dough for both of their tarts. Gail also digs at them about their showcase and it’s paltry appearance. Zac says something about how they got slammed right before the judges came in, but I think he’s full of crap; I don’t think that case was ever really filled.
He says the pastry case was unfortunate but in terms of the team, they will all rejoice in $30,000 and they’ll all sink as a team. Not quite, as Gal points out that only one of them will be getting the boot.
As the guest judge Nancy gets to declare who the winner is. I am hoping, hoping, hoping for Whisk Me Away to win. At this point I am rocking back and forth on my couch saying please please please please please please please please please…..she says that if these two shops were across the street from each other, the one they all agreed they’d keep returning to is………
Wow, Oyly almost slide off Morgan and Eric trying to hug them! Eric is crying, Zac is scowling, and I am whooping it up on my couch. OH YEAH!
Zac can’t believe they won, especially Oyly since he questions her abilities as a chef. Whatever sore loozah! Back in the stew room the winners are suprisingly calm while Team BitchFace stews in their own bitter loozah juice.
Never has bitterness tasted so delicious.
You know what occurred to me here? Morgan, Eric and Oyly are obviously happy about their win, but they didn’t rub it in or act like assholes at all back in the stew room. I sort of expected at least a little gloating. You know if the situation had been reversed Team BitchFace would have been total assholes about their win.
Back at judges’ table they discuss the losing team briefly, but they seem to come to a conclusion pretty quickly. Let’s bring out the losers. Johnny tells them it all comes down to the details; crappy cumshake, thick and hard tart crust, and empty display case. The display is really bugging him; I think he mentioned it three times in the last twenty seconds.
And the chef getting the boot tonight is……….
She blah blah blahs about what a great experience this has been and she wouldn’t change anything (except for LOSING) for the world, but I miss most of it because I am channeling Tom Cruise and jumping up and down on my couch like a complete and utter moron.
One thing of note: Yigit is blubbering like a fucking baby over the fact that she is booted. Hello? She’s your fucking competition dummy!
And there you have it, Gasmi! Are you as overjoyed as I am to see her sourpuss go home? Were you happy to see Whisk Me Away win the cash? Do you think Oyly will ever wash her hair?
Next week, Yigit has become addicted to certain ingredients, but the shelves are temporarily out of stock on a shit ton of items. Also? Someone’s food is compared to the frozen desserts you get on a cruise ship. Is that not good? I liked the desserts I had on my cruise last year. Either way, I’ll see you there!
I’d like to end by giving you some kitty cuteness a la J-Mo, but alas, I am allergic to the kitties. Oh well, I guess you have to settle for some kiddie cuteness instead.