Top Chef Just Desserts: Eat My CrazyPants

Gasmi, have you ever been looking forward to something SO much and then something (or someone) comes along to fuck it all up for you?  That’s how I feel about last week’s episode and recap for Top Chef: Just Desserts.  I mean, come on!  You all still remember the craziness of last week, right?

I was SO excited to talk to you all about the crazy train, and then lo and behold: insanity hit my life.  And not fun insanity.  Nope.  WORK insanity.  The short and not so sweet version is that two of the four person team I work with decided to find themselves better jobs and fucking quit a week before our major deadline, leaving just two of us to get everything done.  Let’s just say I’ve been feeling as psychotic as a pastry chef!

I need some red hots goddammit!

Thankfully the deadline has past, we got everything done, and two new people will be starting in a week.  And now, FINALLY, I get to talk to you about the pastry nutjobs.  Since we’ve now got two episodes to dish about, we’ll cover both here in a super mega catch up recap.  I hope I don’t get too long winded.  I’ll try to not get too crazy, but hey, I think the crazy may be catching!

Great.  I’ll be screaming about grapefruit juice and my mommy any second now.

We start out back in the apartment where Psycho Seth is shaving.  At the kitchen sink.  Ewwwwwww.  That is so unsanitary.  I don’t know about you all but I sure don’t appreciate having my food and drink seasoned with stubble.

Get a bathroom!

He’s laughing at himself and at the same time telling us you have to be crazy to be an artist; and since he consideres himself to be an artist, that means he’s a little crazy.  it’s nice to see he’s at least a little self aware.  About the crazy part, that is.  We also get a glimpse of his tattooed back as he’s leaving the room, I wonder what it says.  Let’s go in for a close up.

Meanwhile in one of the bedrooms, Malika is talking to Erika, telling her that two things that matter the most in her life are her kids and cooking.  Right now she is hating cooking, but she tells us she’s gonna hang in there because she doesn’t want to make any emotional decisions.

Let’s head on over to the kitchen where Gail is waiting with a table of Breyer’s ice cream and special guest Gale Gand.  This challenge is all about reinventing the ice cream sundae.  Oh fun!  Seth immediately starts bobbing up and down and acting like a loony toon.  He tells us that he’s got an awesome ice cream that he can put together in 15 minutes; this challenge is so his.

What CrazyPants seems to have missed is that there is an entire table of pre-made ice cream already there.  Gail launches into the challenge description, and Seth asks do they get to make their own ice cream.  Nope.  This causes something to break in Seth’s brain and he begins twitching and rocking back and forth all the while muttering “Weak sauce, weak sauce, weak sauce”.

CrazyPants, CrazyPants, CrazyPants

As you might imagine, watching him wig out is making the other chefs uncomfortable, especially since they seem to be able to tell that he can’t seem to control himself here.  They head back to the stew room, and I could swear I see BandAidHeather walking with them.

Ah ha!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is the first time we’ve ever seen the producers going over the rules of the challenge.  The producer asks if anyone has any questions, and Seth asks if anyone remembers that items you don’t use in the challenge would become part of the pantry.  What the fuck is he talking about?

Olive Oyl says yes, but then they changed that.  He says he threw away something he brought from home because of that, and that’s not fair.  Okay, so it seems that this is about some paper cups that he brought from home, decided to throw away rather than share with everyone else, and now wants back because the rules have changed and they would not now be community property.

The producer tells him HE threw them out himself and they’re not going to be replaced.  Obviously Seth doesn’t think that’s fair.  And thus begins a meltdown.  Over paper cups.

Zac tells us that all of a sudden Seth started screaming about wanting his passport and his wallet, they’re all liars, and stop hiding the grapefruit!

My mommy is going to be really mad when I tell her about this!

And before you can say “Seth is a super sized psycho with a side of momma’s boy”, he is outta here.  WOW.  Dude lost it over paper cups.

After he leaves, the other chefs talk about him, saying basically that they all think he’s crazy and probably saying a little prayer of thanks that no one got stabbed to death while they were sleeping.  Let’s take a poll: who’s happy to see Seth go?

But we’re not done yet folks!  As the other chefs are talking, we suddenly hear the sounds of sirens in the background.  Seth has collapsed.  He says he couldn’t breathe or feel his hands, and ended up having some sort of anxiety attack.  Once the EMTs help him to sit up again the producer tells him he is not cleared to compete so he will have to leave.

And so, off Seth goes, into the sunset.  Hopefully he’ll have that growth on his neck looked at; I have some suspicions about that parasitic twin being that cause of these issues.  See you at the reunion CrazyPants!

Back in the stew room, Johnny Nagarelli comes in to grief counsel the other chefs.  He tells them about Seth’s anxiety attack, and says he will not be able to continue with competition.

Now let’s all talk about our feelings!

So the chefs dug right done to the bottoms of their souls, to see what they had inside.  Yes, they dug right done to the bottoms of their souls, and they tried…….they TRIIIIIED.

But they felt….nothing.

Poor Johnny, no need for grief counseling here.  Now that the drama has left the building we’re ready to start the competition.  They draw ice cream scoops to determine the flavor they have to work with, and I have to say I’m a bit disappointed at the sameness of most of the flavors.

We’ve got mint chocolate chip (Morgan), chocolate chip cookie dough (Yigit), chocolate (Erika), cherry vanilla (Zac), rocky road (Olive Oyly), vanilla (Eric), vanilla fudge twirl (Heather), and cookies and cream (Malika).  BORING!  What about maple walnut or black cherry or something that doesn’t contain either vanilla or chocolate???

Anyway, we have the normal quickfire frenzy, and before you know it, the thirty minutes are up.  Let’s take a look at what they’ve created……

Mmmmm…….fish cake with ice cream and poo.  So yummy!

If I liked smores this might look good to me, but I don’t, so it doesn’t

Ice cream sandwiches and chocolate milk?  Looks like someone ignored the challenge.

What’s with the fish and ice cream combos?  The fish stick topping is grossing me out!

Just in time for Halloween, Eric has made a lovely severed finger topping for his sundae.

ZZZZZZZ

Is that a tumor growing on his ice cream?

Boring

The bottom three are Eric, Olive Oyly, and Erika,  all for making ice cream boring.  The top sundaes are Zac, Yigit and Morgan. And the winner is……..Morgan!  Yay for ignoring the challenge completely!

Sniffle……sniffle………son, daddy won this one for you……….

Crap!  I wanted a DS!  You Suck!!!

Time to hear about the elimination challenge.  Gail tells them that for this elimination challenge they will be working in three teams of three.  Well, they would have, but Seth fucked that all up with his psychotic break.  But never fear!  BandAidHeather is here!

Cue Debbie Downer music

The top three chefs from the quick fire challenge will be team captains for the elimination challenge.  Morgan gets to choose first since he was the winner of the quickfire, and he says he would like chef Gale.  What a fucking brown noser.

Here’s the way the teams split out:  Morgan has AsianHeather and Eric, Yigit chooses Erika and Olive Oyly, and Zac gets Malika and BandAidHeather.  Zac immediately christens his team Team Breakdown because they are a bunch of cry babies.

Gail tells them they will be attending a performance of Lucent Dossier (who see a?), a group of extraordinary performance artists.  They are to take inspiration from the performance and translate it into incredible desserts. She tells them they want them to create a flaming experience.  In case you’re wondering what that might be, the editors have decided to help us out.

So helpful!

Each team member is responsible for one dessert, plus they must have a showpiece as well as a dessert to be flambed.  The chefs had over to the Lucent Dossier show to get inspired, and basically it’s a bunch of people that were rejected by Cirque De Soleil and decided to form their own troupe.  And then give it a lame name that means Shining File.

This is serious.  Has anyone seen my bird?

After the show the chefs head back to the kitchen to brainstorm on a menu.  Checking in with Morgan’steam, AsianHeather has decided that she will do the showpiece.  Morgan’s fine with that.  Of course he is; after all, he has immunity.

Over on team Cry Baby, BandAidHeather is moping around the kitchen, sucking the life out of the room and asking questions that she should already know the answers to at this stage of her career.

Hey, can you tell me how you turned that thingymajig on?

Zac contemplates suicide as a means of escape.

Oh, my bad!  He’s using his face smoosh as a mold for a chocolatge mask that will be part of his team’s showpiece.  How cool and disgusting!

Let’s take a look at what our teams are creating……

Back at the apartment, Malika calls her kids telling them she’ll be home before they know it.  How happy they are about that news is directly related to how old they are.  She tells us for the billionty time how much she misses them, but she has to stick it out because she didn’t come all this way to go home.

In the kitchen Morgan and Zac are making some breakfast while BandAid sits on the couch being her usual chipper self.  Can someone explain to me why she is wearing sunglasses inside the house?  Do they have a skylight or something?

Morgan feels bad for her, so he goes over and sits with her, giving her a little pep talk.  I can’t figure this guy out; he seems to waffle between being a decent guy and a complete sociopath.  Anyway, AsianHeather is taking all this in with a nasty bitch look on her face.

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

She lays into BandAid, telling her she’s letting down her team, and honestly I understand why she’s butting into something that has nothing to do with her.  BandAid breaking down can only be good for AsianHeather’s team, so shut the fuck up and let her fall apart.  What a biatch.

Over at the Shining Folder studio the teams assemble showpieces and plate desserts.  Before you know it, it’s time for another performance.  Oh goody!  There’s fire eaters, acrobats, and some sort of aerial dominatrix.  YouBear looks particularly intrigued by that one, while Gail is mesmerized by the sword swallower.

Oh my!

It’s eating time, y’all.  Let’s see what Morgan’s team has made for the judges.  Of course AsianHeather makes sure to tell the judges that SHE made the showpiece.

he judges briefly discuss AsianHeather’s centerpiece, but Nagarelli seems to be the most impressed with Morgan, who knocked it out of the park even though he had immunity.  Too bad he isn’t immune from this weird mad hatter dude.

I wonder what I taste like

My guess would be a combination of eyeliner, desperation, and ball sweat, but I won’t be tasting you to find out if I’m right.

Eric and AsianHeather get some good comments too, but the flaming dessert has pieces of star anise in left in it and Nagarelli gets a mouthful.  Uh oh.

Team Crybaby is next.  Zac points out the mask in their showpiece and tells the judges it’s actually his face that they used to mold it.  I’m not sure how that is a selling point, but I try to avoid zits, boogers, and eyelashes in my food.

Johnny says the showpiece reminds him of Shining Folder’s costumes.  They think BandAid’s dessert is boring, Zac’s plate is fun, and Malika’s is the best thing she’s made all season.

Last but not least, Yigit’s team.  They talk about their flaming dessert but unfortunately they already fired it all up and so there will be no flaming in front of the judges.

Whatcho talking bout, Yigit?

They like Olive Oyly’s dessert, but wish her basil ice cream had more basily flavor, they’re happy that Erika used a frozen plate to plate a frozen dessert, and they think Yigit’s dessert looks very feminine, but in a totally good way.  They are still not happy about the lack of flaming at the station.  Nagarelli refuses to let it go, and YouBear waz a leetle deesappointed beecause eevery oser teem had zee flames for zem.

While the judges are busy tasting desserts and complaining about low flamage, AsianHeather is sweeping up the rose petals around her sculpture.  Morgan asks if they’re cleaning up and she says she’s just picking up the trash.  He asks why she’s upset, but she claims she’s just being stoic.  Hmmm, I’m not sure that stoic means what she thinks it means.

Looks like she’s tasting her own sour attitude!

Meanwhile BandAid is crying and talking about how Zac is going to throw her under the bus and they haven’t even gotten to judges table yet.  Jeesh!  Hasn’t she ever heard of the power of positive thinking.

Our snippet clip of the night is all about Eric and his title of Zan baker.  I think his zenness gets a little help from a friend called Mary Jane.  Whatever the cause of his mellow attitude, I like him.  Let’s hang out sometime Eric!  I’ll bring the munchies!

Let’s head over to judges’ table.  Headed out first are Morgan, AsianHeather and Eric; they are the winning team!

Johnny tells Morgan that this is the best dessert he’s made so far.  He thinks the flavors and textures were great, and he’d be happy to see that dessert at a restaurant.  Gale likes the supple smoothness of AsianHeather’s dessert, saying it ate very well.
YouBear sinks zee showpiece waz spectacular, and Nagarelli was happy to see Eric thinking out of the box and having a pretty plate.  He gives credit for his plating to his teammates.  And the winner of this challenge is………

See?  Being a brown noser sometimes pays off.

Glad to see she’s happy for her teammate

Gail sends them back to the stew room, but doesn’t tell them to send anyone back.  Once they get back there AsianHeather’s hateful bitterness becomes apparent when she says “You’re welcome, Morgan”, as if he had nothing to do with his own win.
She thinks that he one because he only did one dessert, but I’m pretty sure I remember that she was the one who said she wanted to do the showpiece.  My guess is she thought that would boost her into a win, and now she’s all pissed off because her grand plan FAILED.

Try not to choke on that bitterness, you hateful hag.

Gail comes back in and tells them there were hits and misses from the two remaining teams, so the judges would like to see both teams starting with Yigit’s.  Once they’re in front of the judges, it becomes clear that the only reason they’ve been called out here is to get a spanking for not flaming their dessert.  Once they’ve been properly chastised, they are sent back to the stew room.

And so we’re left with team Cry Baby.  They talk about Zac’s dessert and it’s clear that they all liked it, and then they move on to Malika and it’s clear they loved hers too.  I think it’s fairly obvious at this point that it’s going to be BandAid going ho….wait.

Excuse me, but I’d like to eliminate myself

Exsqueeze me?

That’s right folks, Malika has decided that she doesn’t enjoy cooking in a competitive environment and so, she asks to be sent home.  Gail asks if she’s sure about that.  She is.  And so she is sent on her way.  Looks to me that BandAid dodged another hit to the head there.

That wraps up our missing episode, Gasmi!  Holy Cuckoocakes, what a bunch of loons, huh?  How about a little palate cleanser before we move on to the next episode?

Okay!  I know I’m ready to jump right in, are you?

We start this episode finding out that Yigit, Zac, and AsianHeather have formed a bond and are hanging out a lot together.  In fact, they’ve nicknamed themselves Team Go Diva.  Blarf.  Yigit and Zac have now ruined my opinion of them by hanging out with the hateful hag.

When you’re annoying the zen baker you might want to think about what kind of assholes you are.

The chef’s head on over to the kitchen to find out about their latest quickfire challenge.  Waiting with Gail is pastry chef Sherry Yard who works with Wolfgang Puck.  Gail tells them that this challenge will test all of their skills in one dessert, the notoriously delicate souffle.

I myself have never made a souffle; I’ve always been too scared.  They have one hour to cook and access to whenever they want from the pantry.  And……go!  Either Zac or Yigit yell out a “Go Diva!” and now I’m hoping that their souffles are epic failures.

Olive Oyly educates us by telling us souffles are about egg whites and height.  If you don’t have the height, it’s not a soufflé.  AsianHeather jumps in saying they’re actually all about timing, if you get the timing wrong your souffle will collapse.
Zac tells us he’s not a big fan of the soufflé; it’s too delicate in flavor for his taste.  He prefers to be punched in the head with flavor.

Keep hanging out with AsianHeather and Imma punch you myself!

Oh wait!  One more piece of education from Morgan: he tells us souffle actually means breath or to blow.  It rises because of hot air.  He’s not claiming to be a souffle master, but he’s certainly a contender.  Lord knows he has enough hot air to spare.

Before you know it, time is up.  Let’s take a gander at their souffles.

Olive Oyly’s souffle seems to be concave.  Must be all that grease weighing it down.

Zac’s looks like a hunk of ice cream served with a side of balls.

Sherry asks if he makes a lot of souffles.  He does not.  She does not look surprised to hear this.

Erika’s looks really pretty if you ignore the side of pus soup.

AsianHeather has made a chocolate soufflé; I’m guessing she used bitter chocolate.

Yigit’s souffle has come down with a touch of dandruff.

He tells the judges that he makes souffles at home all the time, because it something his boyfriend and friends really love to eat.  Gail says if she had a boyfriend who made souffles she’d ask him to make them all the time too.

Too bad you don’t like the vag!

Holy blood sauce, Morgan!

And that’s it.  We don’t get to see the rest.  In the bottom are Erika (too sweet), Zac (too many balls), and AsianHeather (too bitter).  In the top, Morgan and his blood sauce, Yigit (despite the flakiness), and Olive Oyly.  I guess some people can never get enough grease in their diet.  And the winner is…

go diva.

Gail says fashion week is just around the corner, so what better time to throw their own fashion event.  For this challenge they will be making edible fashion.

Done and done.

Zac has been hoping this would be one of the challenges.  He tells us every year he does a dress for the international chocolate show in New York; he thinks he’s the one to watch for this challenge.  To pump the chefs up, they’re bringing in a little help.

How puny!

Team Go Diva is super excited because they are obsessed with Gail’s shoes.  Zac tells us every day they wonder what kind of shoes Gail will be wearing.  Morgan tells us he may not be a diva but he loves him some shoes.

I can’t wait to jerk off in these!

Not only do the chefs have to create an edible outfit to go with their shoes, they must also create two couture petit fours to go along with their look.  They have two hours to shop, eight hours to prep here in the kitchen, and then two hours on site tomorrow before the fashion event.

Shopping, shopping, shopping.  Morgan wants to make his petit fours hot like the hotness of his shoes, so he picks out some chili powder.  Zac is going full on S and M to go with the dominatrix quality of his shoes.  He also grabs two plungers…how kinky!

Actually, he’s going to use them as boob forms for his outfit which is pretty genius.  Once the shopping is done, the chef’s head back to the kitchen to begin their prep.  They’ve each been supplied with a dress form and some undergarments to use as a base for their design.

Project Eat Me

Zac tells us these outfits normally take weeks to make so to condense that down to a few hours AND have to make two petit fours is absolutely bananas.  Eric tells us he doesn’t consider himself to be fashionable (NO!) He senses disaster.

It looks like the chefs have some really great ideas, and I can’t wait to see how they turn out.  With three hours of their prep time left, in strolls Johnny telling them to stop what they’re doing and put their tools down.  He reiterates that this challenge was about making edible fashion, but there’s  something more to it.

The chefs look like they want to punch him in the nuts; they’re overwhelmed at the thought of everything they already have to do, now he’s adding a twist?  Phew!  Turns out he’s actually here to tell them that the winner of this challenge will win $20,000.  To say they’re happy about this development is an understatement.  In fact, Yigit tells us he almost creamed his pants.  Tasty!  With the good news delivered, Johnny heads out to buy more hair gel.

Morgan’s talking about how hot his dresses gonna be, but AsianHeather tells us his dress is not at all complicated; she could do THAT in her sleep y’all.  Besides, Morgan is a jackass.  Hey, no argument on that one from me, but she may want to take a look in the mirror before throwing the word jackass around.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the most hateful hag of all?

It doesn’t help morale in the kitchen when Morgan finishes early and proceeds to douche it up all over the kitchen.  
We see a little bit of what they other chefs are working on before they all head out for the night.  The next day, the turnips that BandAid sewed on her dress are all shriveled up and crappy looking.  I guess she missed the first season of Project Runway.

She scraps the turnips and starts over.  Eric is also having a hard time getting his chocolate to do what he wants it to.  At this point, he tells us he just wants to destroy his dress.  Morgan tells us he can’t believe that people are making their petit fours today because he made his yesterday.  In fact, he has so much time to spare, he’s making an additional accessory: a clutch to go with his dress.  Whoopdie freaking doo.

We head out to the dining room for some last minute dress floofing and petit four plating, and then the showcase begins.  Zac is excited to see some real live fashionistas here as opposed to, you know, bloggers. Dumbass Dannielle is back at the judges table this week (BOOOOO), along with Gail, Johnny, and guest judge Sherry.  Their first stop is Erika.

She tells the judges her dress is influenced by the shoes; her person is a businesswoman during the day and after five she becomes a submissive slave girl.  Oh, I get it, she’s based it on The Story of O!  I would be digging the dress if she got rid of the weird T-Bone collor thingy.

Gail likes that Erica got a little sexy sexy with the dress.  Her favorite part was the red raspberry and chocolate dusted popcorn around the bottom.  Sherry points out that there’s a problem with petit fours; they’re not bite size and they look to be a little messy to eat.  Picky, picky.

Zac is next with his crotch baring Xena Warrior Turkey outfit.

Gobble!  Gobble!

He tells them his woman is a burlesque warrior.  He adds that his dress is actually wearable; he could have it off the dress form and on Gail in ten minutes.  She says they will have to save that for later.  Don’t give Nagarelli any ideas, Gail!

How did he know I have a turkey fetish???

The judges seem to love his outfit and Johnny points out that the fact that it can be taken off the form and worn shows a lot of skill.  He does have one issue though; the ganache in Zac’s petit fours leaves a sandy texture in his mouth.  Wah, wah!

On to Eric.

I have no words.

Honestly, this looks like something I could make at home with my five year old.  What a hot mess.  I hate to say it because I love Eric, but that dress is no bueno.

Dumbass Dannielle doesn’t like it and Johnny thinks it was poorly executed.  They seem to like the flavor of this petit fours, but I think it’s a no brainer that he is bottom bound.

Time for BandAid and her salad frock.

It’s so crunchy!

It’s so bad that the judges don’t even know what to say besides, “Veggies, really?”

Let’s see what Yigit’s got going on.  He tells the judges his dress was inspired by Bjork’s swan dress.

Dumbass Dannielle loves the layering and the chocolate work that went into his dress, but no one mentions the fact that we’d be subjected to a full on crotch shot if this was worn by an actual person.  I guess in chocolate fashion little things like covering the vag are minor issues.

Let’s move on to Morgan.  He’s presenting yet another barely there dress.

Oooooo, a ring pop!

He tells them his inspiration for the dress started with the shoes  He thought they were super hot so he wanted to make a super hot dress and accessories.  In fatc, the petit four accessories are actually RED HOT.  I wonder if he made them for his mommy.

They all love his dress and the spiciness of the petit fours.  He’s got Dumbass Dannielle giggling like a lunatic.

Time for AsianHeather.

She may be a Bitter Betty but her dress is pretty. I sort of wish she had used white chocolate so that the dress wasn’t so BROWN.  Her petit fours are not as pretty as the dress; one of them looks like it’s been dunked in a vat of urine for coloring.

Dumbass Dannielle is very impressed by the draping that AsianHeather achieved, saying that even fashion designers have trouble doing that.  Johnny is unimpressed by her petit fours; he liked Morgan’s better.  Could be he doesn’t like eating pee dipped food either.

And last of all, we have Olive Oyly.

And her Ode to Mise En Place

Talk about butt ugly.  AsianHeather channels me for a moment when she does says Olive Oyly’s carrot necklace is something  her six year old nephew could make.  Hey, just cause she’s a bitter bitch doesn’t mean she can’t be funny every now and then, right?
Johnny says this is the second chef they’ve seen use vegetables rather than pastry products.  He says this is Top Chef Just Desserts not Top Chef Veggie Delight.

Meanwhile in another corner of the room, Morgan is oogling one of the ladies in the crowd.  He thinks she has gorgeous legs and wants to get her number.  I hope his girlfriend is watching this at home.  Busted!

Time for judges table.  In this stew room the chefs anxiously await to see who will be in the bottom and who will be in the top. Erika wonders what will happen to their dress.  Zac thinks they’re eating them right now.  I think they’ve probably melted from the heat of the lights.  They joke about how BandAid’s and Olive Oyly’s dresses come with a serving of dressing in the shoe.  They laugh and laugh and fail to realize that he is not joking.

Gail comes in and calls Yigit, Zac and Morgan out to the judges’ table.  We all know that means they’re the top three.

Bwahahahahaha!

Yep, top three.  Johnny tells Yigit that his dress was beautiful exciting and chic; he deftly showed his delicate touch with chocolate.  Dumbass Dannielle tells Morgen that his dress is one that would make a woman stay up all night dancing; it was hot.  Sherry wonders what his muse was.  He tells her his imagination and the past few weeks alone.

I’ll be willing to give your hand a little vacation!

What’s with all the ladies and this guy?  Am I missing something???  Gail tells Zac that he stunned them tonight with his Xena Turkey outfit.  After all, Thanksgiving IS right around the corner. Sherry digs his flavors and Johnny thinks he’s a sick little bastard, but loved the dress anyway.

But only one of them can win $20,000.  Who will it be?

Hee!  I can’t wait to see AsianHeather’s reaction!  Her bitterness will be so tasty.

I’m no good at waiting, so let’s see her reaction……..

So Delicious!

Time for the bottom three to head out to judges’ table.  Unsurprisingly, they are BandAid, Eric, and Olive Oyly.  Don’t pretend to be shocked; you know you saw that one coming a mile away.

Gail asks Eric how the challenge was for him, and he tells her it was incredibly difficult, he’s not gonna sit here and lie.  He was panicked at the thought of a dress any couldn’t get rid of that.

And Johnny stole the last of my weed!

Both BandAid and Olive Oyly get called out for their use of veggies.  Johnny is pissed that they didn’t show off any of their pastry technique in the creation of the dresses.  I think the bigger crime is that they’re butt ugly.

The judges need a little alone time before making their decision, and so the bottom three head back to the stew room talking about how brutal it was but they know nothing yet.

Johnny tells the other judges he’s very disappointed that Olive Oyly didn’t show off her pastry skills in this challenge.  Gail points out that the top was inedible, and the skirt was made out of leeks AND looks like it took about fifteen minutes to make.  Dumbass Dannielle thinks that BandAid’s dress looks like a drunken sorority girl made it.  Johnny think she took a little bit of a chance, but Sherry points out that she gambled and lost.  Johnny says it was obvious that Eric panicked and lost it.  Dumbass says they all looked at the address and thought it was a disaster, can they imagine someone wearing it?  Gail thinks maybe a cave woman after the hunt.

They call them back out to give their decision.  Johnny says they ask them to create edible fashion; they wanted to see visual creativity and their skills as pastry chefs.  They didn’t deliver.  And the show’s going home tonight is…

Is anyone surprised by this?  I mean really, the only reason she didn’t go home the week before is because Malika quit.  She makes sad noises at us and then takes her rain cloud and goes out the door.  Wahn, wahn.

Next week, AsianHeather gets elbowed in the face by Morgan.  I’m not sure whether I should be disgusted or give him a round of applause.  Um……..both, maybe?  Also, he thinks Go Diva is a bunch of backstabbing, two faced liars.  Oh, this is sounding like it’s gonna be a fun time!

What did you think, Gasmi?  Were you impressed by any of the outfits?  Did the lack of crotch coverage bother anyone else?  Was anyone at all surprised by BandAid’s reboot?

Apologies once more for the lateness and subsquent mammoth size of this recap.  I’ll be happy to give you Jim and Tasha’s address so you can kick their asses for me.  No, no, I’m only joking; I would never condone violence against another human being.  _{At least not in writing!} Thanks for hanging in there for this ginormous recap; I hope I didn’t bore you to death.

SWAK, PottyMouth