Top Chef Just Desserts Recap: Chocolate Wars

Hey hey Gasmii.  Welcome back for another week of culinary mediocrity.  Last week we lost Rebecca, who couldn’t quite figure out how to turn falafel into a dessert flavor.   Is anyone else starting to suspect that the TCJD producers have been getting into Padma’s stash before creating the challenges?

The face of a woman who has made a few Cheeto Pizzas with Ice Cream…

It’s morning in the Top Chef loft, and Katzie is telling us that Sally hangs out with the boys because she thinks she’s too good for the girls.  Okay, is Sally getting some sort of amazing treatment by the editors of this show, or is Katzie one of those chicks you knew in high school who thought every single act not directly praising her was a sign that you thought you were better than she was?  I don’t get it.  I mean, I know that her and Sally don’t like each other and are thus not super nice to each other, but this whole rivalry seems forced and/or imagined to me.

Katzie snuck in a lot of blow in that powder compact…

Let’s go see who’s prettier at the Quickfire.  Guest judge today is Mark Israel, who is some sort of gourmet donut maker with a really strange and barely perceptible accent that just makes him sound like talking isn’t his first language.

The chefs have to fry up some dough and serve it with a cup of coffee.   Winner gets ten grand, but no immunity.  Oh, and one more thing…

Dun dun dun!!!!!

“Yeah, I’m just here to get my wallet chain back from this bald fuck”

Greaser Johnny comes out to tell everyone that this is an elimination Quickfire, so the loser is going home on the spot.  Ha!  Everyone looks effing terrified.  I love when they make the contestants piddle themselves.

When the face of evil loses bladder control

Okay, try not to suck the hardest.  Ready… Go!  Some of the chefs are doing cake donuts, which are easier and less time consuming. Some are doing yeast donuts, which are generally considered better.  Sally is making her donuts stick-shaped so they are easier to dunk in the coffee.  Blah blah blah… People are frying things, Matthew doesn’t have time to cream-fill his donuts, and time is up.  Bam!

Holy shit, Israel’s wallet chain is actually gone

Katzie is up first, and she made this phallic looking thing-a-majig.

The judges say the flavors are good, but this is more of a plated dessert than a donut.  TheMiki wants to know what the fuck is up with the loogie sized serving of coffee.  You should get sent home for shit like that.

Carlos did this

Johnny says, “You really have a lot of cream but that cream has a lot of flavor”

And your doughnut’s not bad either

Jafar is up with this here

Jafar tells the judges it’s a spiced cardamom beignet, and Johnny tells him he can’t taste any cardamom.  Also, according to Wikipedia a Beignet is, “A pastry made with deep fried dough, much like a doughnut.”  So fuck you, chefs who have to put french names on bloody everything.  I’m onto you.

Megan used cardamom too

But her caramel glaze makes her donut stick to the plate

That’s probably not good…

Next is Chris, who decides that churros are donut-y enough, dammit!

I was going for a soft and inviting texture with nuances of fuck you, it’s fried dough and that’s close enough.

Up next is Sally, with this

The judges go apeshit over the fact that the doughnut sticks can fit in their cups and they can use them to stir their coffee.  Off-screen I’m sure Chris is freaking out about how no one mentioned stirring their coffee with his churros and those were on a fucking stick.

Matthew did this here

Johnny says the donut is dry, and Matthew admits the cream was supposed to  be on the inside but he ran out of time.

That’s what she said!  Amirite?

It’s time for judging!  The favorites are… Sally and Carlos.  Good textures and flavors and so on.  But much like Highlander, there can be only one, and that one is…. Carlos.  Yeah!  Ten grand!  WooHoo for finally winning a Quickfire.

Do I have to find a sword and cut off Sally’s head now?

Okay, it’s onto the bad news.  The least favorites are… Megan, because her glaze spackled the donut to the plate, and Matthew because of the dryness and because it was too sweet.  Oh, and also Jafar, because Johnny didn’t get Cardamom from his Cardamom donut, but Jafar argues that it wasn’t a Cardamom donut, but simply a donut with cardamom in it.  The commercials for this episode promised us that Jafar and Johnny would throw down, but all they do is bicker back and forth, and the judges eventually  tell Jafar that no matter what, his donut was bland and uninspiring.

Is my Blue Steel uninspiring????

Someone’s gotta go home, so who will it be?  And Megan is out!

Awww… She was totally nice.  I liked her, but I don’t think any of us thought she’d actually win or anything.

Okay, time for the actual Elimination Challenge.  The chefs are getting split into two groups of three for a chocolate challenge.  They have to make a chocolate showpiece as a team and then they each have to make their own chocolate desserts as well.  They will be serving each other, so that means this is the super fun week where we get to hear the chefs talk shit about each others’ desserts and piss each other off.

Remember how exciting this was?  No?

Team one is Sally, Carlos, and Jafar.  Team two is Chris, Matthew, and Katzie.  Good thing Jafar and Chris wound up on different teams or this would be a bloodbath so far as the showpiece went.

On the blue team it’s unanimous that Jafar will make the showpiece and Sally and Carlos will focus on the individual desserts.  Because Jafar may suck at villainy, but holy balls can that dude build awesome shit out of candy.

So after this I’ll show you my secret underground volcano lair built entirely out of chocolate

Over on team read Katzie is feeling shot down by her teammates, who don’t like any of her ideas.  So far her ideas include making a showpiece full of books carved out of chocolate and something about hanging orbs of light, only made out of chocolate.

Are you fucking serious, lady?

OMG you guys! Take me seriously!  I totes wore my responsible grown-up Silly Bandz today!

Chris seems to be taking the responsibility for the showpiece, which Matthew has zero problem with but it’s clearly irking Katzie.  Katzie is a fucking idiot. Jafar is making the showpiece for the blue team because that’s what he does. He makes showpieces.  It’s the same with Chris, so let him fucking do it.

Jafar tells us he likes desserts like he likes men: Tall.  So if anyone was wondering if our lisping wannabe villain was a gay, there’s your answer right there.

I know it’s shocking. I’ll give everyone a minute to digest this. I know you’re all just now getting over that Clay Aiken bombshell…

Carlos is making something in a tube that looks interesting.  Katzie is making something called “Black mouth,” which is off-putting.  She doesn’t trust Chris to make the showpiece, but I think we all remember what happened the last time Katzie was in charge of a showpiece, yeah?

Although this was mostly Craig’s fault…

Fifteen minutes left, and everyone is freeze spraying their showpieces to try and make sure they don’t collapse overnight.

Go away I’m walkin on sunshine!!!!!!!

Nothing falls or breaks or anything.  Meh.

Ready for the Bravo useless poll of the week?  Johnny is taking one and look how much fun he’s having

Here we go:

C. Is someone actually collecting a paycheck for coming up with these polls?

Okay, it’s the next day and everyone is putting together their desserts for service tonight.  Jafar’s showpiece is looking pretty cool in a minimalist modern art sort of way, but thus far I’ve gotta give it to Chris.  His is wicked pretty.

So effing cool

Jafar is spending his entire day working on the showpiece, so Sally is trying to make his desserts for him so that he has time to make it spectacular.  Carlos is worried he won’t have time to finish his own desserts because he’s still helping with Jafar’s.

There’s lots of running and shouting and then time is up.  In walk the judges, and the guest judge is Wylie Dufrense.  Those of you who watch Top Chef Masters will recognize him for sure.

I beat my rival on Masters and now he’s been sentenced to judging amateur chefs on a terrible Gordon Ramsey show.  Ha!

Let’s see the showpieces

Here’s Chris’

Here’s Jafar’s

Jafar tells the story of their piece, which is a visual representation of the history of chocolate.  Chris tells a story too, but it’s just that he made a piece with super hard techniques because he’s such a totally skilled chef and stuff.

Blue Team sits down with the judges to scrutinize Red Team’s work first, and right off the bat Wylie asks them what they think of Chris’ showpiece.  Sally says it’s absolutely beautiful, but Jafar thinks that while it’s impressive and shows a lot of movement, the piece overall is just too dark.

Dark like my soul because I’m evil, but not dark like my skin because that’s racist

Time to serve the desserts.  Katzie is worried that her dish isn’t neat enough looking, but there’s no more time to fuss over it.  Let’s serve this shit

Y’all got served

Here’s what Chris Made

It’s a shame someone already ate, digested, and eliminated it…

And Matthew

And Katzie

Sadly, they’ve taken away the whole “Watch what your competitors are hating about your food” TV in the kitchen, so we don’t get to see the epic fistfights in the stew-room that we’ve come to expect from these episodes.  If we’re really lucky Jafar might mutter something cranky under his breath though.

Gail asks Carlos what he thinks of Chris’ dessert, and he says that it’s undercooked and underwhelming.  Jafar thinks that Matthew’s tarte was too sweet and had too much caramel.  Carlos liked Matthew’s best of the three.  Sally thinks Katzie’s is too big and not neat enough.  Jafar says her cube is visually unappealing, lacked sharp corners, was improperly layered, imploded when he cut into it, and reminded him of baby food.  And he actually said a whole bunch more too but I got bored of transcribing it.

Blah blah blah I like the sound of my own voice

Okay, switch!  Red Team go!

Gail asks what they think of the Blue Team’s show piece.  Katzie loves it, but Chris of course shit-talks it.  Katzie says to the camera that Chris is being over-critical and it’s just uncalled for.  She’s right, but that’s what Chris does.

Look, I’m better at making showpieces and I’m better at being the bad guy

Okay, time for dessert

Jafar’s

Does anyone else hear Scorpion say, “Get Over Here!” when they look at this?

Sally’s

Poo, a cock ring, and a ball-gag?

Carlos’

Gail asks Chris what he thinks of Carlos’ dessert.  He says it’s way too sweet, but then Matthew pipes up and says he likes it a lot, and Katzie says she would eat seconds.  As for Jafar’s, Chris says it’s too chocolately and not good, Katzie says she would like it to be a bit nuttier, but Matthew says there were great techniques.  Sally’s is last and Matthew likes it but wishes the sorbet were a bit more refreshing.  He says Sally’s is his favorite.  He also says that before he left for Top Chef his wife told him to be nice and keep his mouth shut.  Good job, Matthew’s wife.  You’ve clearly watched this show before.

I’m like a fucking Top Chef monk

Overall I’m impressed by Matthew and Katzie for being impartial judges and not complete dicks when judging their competitors.  Carlos and Sally were decent about it too, but Chris and Jafar were just looking for shit to complain about.  Not surprised at all, but it’s still lame that they think they have to rip everyone apart to win.

Okay, judging time!  Both teams get props for their showpiece, but one team gave the judges a “More cohesive experience.”  And that team was… Team Blue.

Yay.  Celebrating and stuff.  Woo.

Okay, time for some dream-crushing.  First up, Chris.  Gail asks him if his dessert suffered because he spent so much time on his showpiece.  He says his dessert didn’t suffer and that’s exactly what he wanted it to look and taste like.

I wasn’t going for sophisticated, Heidi!

Katzie gets chewed out for her proportions being off.  Too much of some components, not enough of others, overall way too big.

Matthew gets told his tarte was too sweet and not really complicated enough to be impressive.  Now back to the stew room with you!

The judges discuss who should go home, and it sounds like Chris had the worst dessert by far, but since he made that epic showpiece he’s probably safe.  I hope they don’t send Matthew home.  Both nice people that were left cut in the same episode would just make me sad.

Time to go learn your fate, bitches!  The judges take the opportunity to remind everyone of how much they suck, but the chef who won’t get a chance to suck anymore is…

Katzie

Katzie says goodbye and hugs everyone and the other chefs all wish her well, and that’s it for this week on Top Chef.  All right, kids, what did everyone think?  Were you sad to see either of these ladies go home?  Which showpiece did you like better?  Was anyone on the fence about Jafar’s sexual preferences?  Why does Johnny look so goddamn happy in all those ridiculous poll commercials???

Okay, see ya in a couple days with a new recap.  This week’s is only up so late because I was busy with a family wedding all week and it threw off my limited free time for recapping.  Stay classy, kids.