Top Chef Just Desserts Recap: More Than Meets the Eye

Hey hey Gasmii!  Are you ready for some pastries!!!!!???????   Yeah, sorry, my roommate has been watching football a lot lately so I keep wanting to say things in annoying sports announcer voice.  Also, I am just getting over a wicked bout with strep throat and in the past 24 hours I’ve consumed two cans of chicken noodle soup, half a bag of pretzels, an entire box of Pedialyte Pops, a bag of Burt’s Bees Natural Throat Drops (holy crap those things are amazing), one packet of theraflu, one dose of Dayquil, and two vicodin.  It’s worth noting that my head is in a fuzzy and blurry land and I’m seeing a disturbing number of squiggly red lines under everything I type.  I’ll try and sober up enough to do a proper spell-check before I post this, but I may not succeed.

Part of a balanced breakfast

So last week we lost Carlos, which sucked.  Chris pours some Cap N Crunch out for his fallen homie, but says he’s mostly glad that he’s gone because even though he was a great guy, this is a competition.

And this is why no one takes white gangs seriously

Since we seem to be jamming all the reality show cliche’s into our opening sequence today, Sally tells Jafar that she didn’t come here to make friends.  She goes on to say that after watching the first season she was worried about how mean everyone was, but that she was pleasantly surprised by how she didn’t hate anyone there.  Jafar tells her she’s forgetting about Katzie, and Sally just laughs.

And I think you’re forgetting not wanting to look like an asshat on national television

Sidenote, I had a random date last week with this girl and there were a couple bottles of wine consumed and a little bit of fooling around and then we didn’t really think there was much chemistry there so it didn’t really matter.  I didn’t notice till I turned on TCJD to do this recap, but this girl looked a lot like Katzie.  Like, every time I see Katzie in the credits/flashbacks I wonder how I didn’t notice it on my date.  But then I remember there was a lot of wine…

Okay, back to recapping!  Sally left a lot of boyfriends and burned a lot of bridges so that she could advance in the pastry world.  Matthew was a little asshole juvenile delinquent until he discovered cooking and it gave his life direction.   Does anyone else have a hard time picturing Matthew knocking over a 7-11?

Thug Life

The chefs head to the kitchen to get their Quickfire challenge, and standing with Gail is another beardless winner of the James Beard award

Sally informs us that this woman is not a dessert chef at all, but a savory chef. Gail tells them that there’s no quickfire, they’re getting their elimination challenge right now.  They will have to create a dessert inspired by some sort of international fare. A handcart full of flags is wheeled out, and Chris gets to pick first, and he takes French.  Orlando takes Spanish, Matthew goes Italian, and Sally surprises us all by choosing Cuban.  She says she worked in Miami and knows her way around Cuban pastry.

I’ve been working on my villain face.  Does this look say, “I’m plotting your demise”?

Now that everyone’s chosen their countries, time for Gail to drop the TCJD twist!  C’mon, like there wouldn’t be a twist.  Bravo is run by M Night Shamalan, but that’s a spoiler cause you’re not supposed to find that out until after the network is taken over by alien Puritans.  Anyway, the chefs have to make a dessert that LOOKS just like a savory dish from the country they chose.  Remember Blaise’s scallop bananas?  You know… The ones he made like three or four times on Top Chef.  Well this is like that. Only if anyone makes scallop bananas I will personally drive down to Bravo studios to eliminate them myself.

Yeah, yeah, it looks like a scallop just like your hair looks like a mohawk.

Sally is worried because she doesn’t know enough Cuban entrees and thought she’d be making a Cuban dessert.  Guest judging this challenge will be  Iron Chef Kat Cora.  Ready? Go!

Matthew!  I know it’s shiny up there, but stop looking at the ceiling and cook, man!

Chris can’t think of any French entrees and is flustered as hell.  Matthew decides on Manicotti immediately, and Jafar tells us a story about how his family is from a culture who assumed that all gay people were transvestites and they stopped talking to him for a long time because of their prejudices.  That’s super sad, especially for me because my mom stopped talking to me when I was 16 because of the gay thing and the few times we’ve had contact since then have been awkward and involved her asking me if I have a boyfriend yet.  So while I absolutely feel for Jafar, he’s still an ass-hat, and no amount of sad backstory makes you less of an asshat.  It just makes you an asshat with a sad backstory.  Oh, and he’s making paeilla.

I may have a lisp but I am not wearing lady-underpants, dammit

Sally is all over the place and can’t decide what to make either.  Maybe if you tell us all a sad story about your childhood?  No?  No sick babies or dying moms or anything?  Well I don’t know how to help you then.

Come back when you’ve overcome adversity of some sort

Chris has finally decided to make Beef Wellington, and in walks Johnny just in time to tell him that Wellington is English.  Chris argues that he’s pretty sure it’s French, and I’m with Chris on this one.  Despite the name, Wellington is not boiled and doesn’t taste like paste dipped in cabbage.  It can’t possibly be English.

It’s also not the 50′s, ya no good hooligan greaser

Johnny makes his rounds making the chefs doubt themselves and everything they want to make, because that’s what Johnny’s there for.  Sally is feeling very tired and looks sort of deflated/defeated.  Please don’t pull a Jen on us, Sally!  Not the All-Star season where she lost her damn mind, but her original season where she got all mopey and stopped caring and let that asshole little Volt win the whole thing.

Tubby-bear, you was robbed!!!!

The next morning Sally perks up and decides to make a Cuban Sandwich.  Everyone is working hard and no one is having any catastrophic failure type issues.  Matthew makes this awesome basil gelee thing that he chops up to look like a chiffonade. Jafar says, “Chris, don’t forget your hot nuts.” because Chris left his nuts in the oven.  Oh, the antics in the Top Chef kitchen.  You crazy kids.

KitchenAid Stand Mixer, you my only friend

Back at the loft we see a phone conversation between Sally and her mom, and also another between Jafar and his mom.  Then we get a fast motion montage of the city, and does anyone else find it hilarious that the fast motion traffic shots of NYC just look like stop-motion shots because the traffic is so terrible?

Notice the blur indicating that the pedestrians are moving faster than the cars

Okay, back to the kitchen!  Despite saying he wouldn’t use puff-pastry in his Wellington, Chris has gotten short on time and decided to use frozen pre-made puff-pastry.  That has NEVER led to good things on Top Chef.

Yeah, I found this stuff in a box marked, “Ticket Home”

Jafar is making saffron rice for some reason that I’m sure makes sense to him, and Matthew is painstakingly hand-carving all the grooves into his pasta tubes.

Point: Matthew

Sally looks at Matthew and Chris and how badass their fake entrees look and decides her sandwich needs sides, so she makes plantain chips and something that looks like potato salad.

Time is up!  The judges sit down, and who knew Cat Cora was such a sophisticated lady outside the kitchen.  Everyone swoons over how well she cleans up, but I think she’s way hotter when she’s holding a big knife and kicking the crap out of visiting chefs in the Iron Chef kitchen.  Then again, I also once dated a girl that drowned a kitten…

You’re hotter when you scare me

Matthew is up first with his Manicotti, which looks fucking awesome

The cheese is grated white chocolate, and the rolls are some sort of salted something.  Matthew mumbles a little so I didn’t catch all of his explanation.  The judges like it, but feel it’s a bit one-note and no one would eat more than half of it.

Chris is up next with Wellington

Gail comments that she thought Beef Wellington was English, but Johnny has apparently read a book since his kitchen visit and tells her it has French origins, which YouBear confirms.  I just think it’s awesome how the “meat” gets more rare as it gets towards the center.

Jafar is next with his Paella

The judges complain that the rice is broken or chopped or something, but Johnny is very happy about how well he used the saffron.

Sally is last with this adorable Cuban Sandwich

She used pineapple for the pickles, and the potato salad is pineapple, banana, and asian pear

The judges say that her dish is the most convincing visually, and even uses Cuban flavors, but they’re not crazy about her choice of using cream cheese mousse for the meat in the sandwich.

Okay, it’s time to judge this shit.

The judges all say that this whole challenge was the best of the season, and everyone did really well.  Chris gets told that his dish was awesome both visually and in taste, but he does take some shit for not making his own puff pastry.  Matthew is told he gave a great visual, but he should have used different ingredients because it was good but not creative enough.  Jafar gets props for his light-handed use of saffron, but YouBear says he should have cooked the rice in milk and not used the rice cooker because steamed rice did not go in paella.  Sally is praised for her presentation, but YouBear tells her she shouldn’t have done the white mousse inside.

That’s what she said

So no obvious favorite or least favorite based on that judges table.  Hmmm….  The contestants are sent back to the stew room to drive themselves nuts waiting for the judges to decide who makes it to the finale.

And that was the second time I got crabs

The judges discuss, nothing really interesting, let’s call the contestants back in!

Cat announces the winner and it is…

Sally!  Yeah!  Good job, lady!

Chris is also safe, despite the frozen puff pastry

I have single-handedly broken the Top Chef Puff Pastry curse

We’re down to two, and they better not send my boy Matthew home.  He might return to a life of crime and bust out car windows and stuff.

Or maybe even cut his hair like this again

The chef going home tonight is…

Jafar.

I’m pretty happy with the final three we’re left with here.  I wouldn’t mind replacing Chris with Carlos, but all in all this should be a totally decent and fairly even matched finale.

Next week they bring in some super famous dessert chefs (just like last year) to help them out, and it looks like all three of the chefs have to make showpieces, which puts Chris at an advantage, sadly.

So what did everyone think?  Was there anyone out there who wanted Jafar to make the finale?  Are we excited to see who wins?  Should I have figured out what show I’m recapping next by now?  Crap!  Well, see you all next next week when we wrap this bitch up.