Greetings Gasmii! Welcome back for another exciting week of pastries and pathetic attempts at reality show villainy. Last week we lost Craig and Melissa, so I’m sure it’ll be less than five minutes before someone tells us things are getting real or everyone left is there to win or some such garbage.
There’s a rumor on the streets that this guy isn’t there to make friends
It’s morning time in the top chef drama-tory. Jafar is doing his passive aggressive stare and scoff thing, which makes him more mean girl than actual villain. Katzie is reminding me why I don’t like her by basically treating her win the way spoiled kindergardener would.
I’m so happy I did good, cause I totally won. Did you guys know I won? Cause I won.
Sally says Katzie got lucky, but I’m gonna go ahead and say that I only agree if by “Got lucky” you mean “Made much better desserts than everyone else.” I suppose that’s a pretty lucky thing to do on a dessert competition show. Less lucky? Katzie’s sense of fashion.
Lock up your sons!
And it’s off to the Quickfire! Waiting there is this guy
The chefs all wet their panties at the sight of him so I’m guessing he’s good at what he does. Gail tells the chefs that they will be creating their own candy bar, which makes Jafar happy because he owns a chocolate factory.
Yep, pure evil this one
The chefs are told to be creative and use original ingredients. Amanda explains to us that with chocolate you have to have to have a solid plan going in because it takes time to set and you can’t just throw stuff together as you go. I think that’s just called desserts, isn’t it? Don’t they all require planning? Isn’t that why regular top chefs hate them so very much?
Okay, ACTUALLY lock up your sons. If they’re over sixty.
In the chaos of the Quickfire it looks like Carlos whacks Rebecca’s arm pretty good, and Rebecca looks to be in a fuck-ton of pain. Jafar says she’s weak and uses her injury as an excuse. Hey, I was all for making fun of the whining when it first happened, but she’s been pretty much a trooper about it since then (either that or Bravo’s giving her the trooper edit) so I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s probably really in pain.
Jafar says he doesn’t cry but he likes to make people cry. Yeah, that would be more effective if:
a. Jafar had ever actually made anybody cry
b. He had the good sense to do the Mr. Burns finger twiddle thing while delivering those sorts of lines.
The bromance boys are talking and Matthew says he’s making his own mold so his candy bar looks unique. Carlos tells Jafar he’s making a chocolate banana thing. Sally is doing something Asian, Katzie is doing a banana thing as well. Chris is doing a double candy bar with white and dark chocolate, and Matthew is struggling because his logs aren’t getting hard enough. Hehehehehe.
Maybe if you worked closer to your boyfriend he could help you get your log hard…
While I’m busy giggling like a ten-year-old boy Rebecca is busy dropping a vat of nitrous and her whole tray of candy on the floor. Being the nefarious villain that he is, Jafar rushes over to help her because he got done early. He tells us that he is human and he felt bad for her. We all know you’re human Jafar. Stop trying to be a dick and maybe we could all root for you instead of mocking you all the time.
I’m totally evil guys, now how can I help make your day brighter?
Hey, time’s up! Katzie is up first with this thing here
Call me snobby, but I do NOT want to see the word “curd” in a candy bar.
Gail comments that there’s too much banana and Pichet says the banana part is way too soft. Katzie tells him she wanted it that soft, but tells us that she totally didn’t but just didn’t want to look bad in front of Pichet. Well double-fail then, twat.
Up next is Carlos, who also did banana
Hell yes, chocolate pop rocks! Awesome.
Sally made this
Forbidden Rice sounds like something Indiana Jones would go on a hunt for while destroying priceless artifacts because he’s totally the worst archeologist in the history of ever.
Most important ancient city ever discovered? Kill it with fire!!!!
Katzie points out that the guest judge is a huge fan of fermented rice and that Sally totes catered to him. I can’t tell if she’s being bitchy cause she always kinda sounds like she’s chewing on her face.
Evil? Happy? Bored? Who can tell…
Matthew made this lovely turd looking thing
Pro tip: if your candy bar looks like a poo it’s best not to put nuts on top
Gail does call him out on not having a coating all the way around, which Matthew explains was due to making his own molds and then utterly failing to get his log hard.
Jafar made a real candy bar, which I give him props for since the rest of these things are roughly bar shaped chocolate desserts
His jam didn’t set all the way and is too soft, but it looks kinda delicious.
Chris is up with this
I made TWO CANDY BARS. Godammit, give me a win!!!
No real comments from the judges, which means he will probably be stuck in the middle of the pack again, which amuses me greatly.
Amanda made this
Gail says it’s nice and shiny. K… Um… Is shiny a critique for a dessert?
It cut itself shaving, but it sounds yummy. Also, it looks like a real candy bar as well.
Rebecca made this
It goes over pretty well. Let’s hope she beats Jafar so we can listen to him whine about how much it sucks to be nice
In the bottom: Matthew, who gets told his bar was unfinished and not shaped properly, and Katzie, whose candy bar pichot calls a mess on a stick. Katzie gets all huffy because her bar wasn’t on a stick. Okay hon, fair enough, but it was still a mess. It’s not like he accidentally thought you made a corn dog and that’s why you lost. Just deal with your failure, k?
I failed entirely sans stick, dammit!
In the top: Sally, for using great flavors, and Rebecca (who thanks Jafar out loud right there), for being original.
And the winner is: Sally. Hey, just in case anyone was wondering if Dumbledork was holding her back, the answer is YES.
Chris is super graceful about not winning though
During the commercials…
OMG it’s back it’s back it’s back!!!!!
Okay, back to the show at hand, the chefs draw popsicles, and the colors divide them into three teams of three. The blue team, whom we’ll call Team Nice, is Sally, Amanda, and Carlos.
The Orange Team, whom we’ll call Team Ego, is Jafar, Chris, and Matthew (even though I rather like Matthew).
Lastly the Green Team, whom we’ll call Team Underdog, cause, well…
The teams are going to Raging Waters, which will be a first for Amanda because her mom is a Russian immigrant. I’m not sure what the connection is there, but it’s cool to know there’s something interesting in Amanda’s backstory.
The teams have to make summer treats for a big ol’ crowd of water park patrons. Prediction: Team Ego will forget that they’re cooking for what will no doubt be mostly kids and then not understand why their awesome refined desserts with super fancy French names don’t make said kids have little kiddy joygasms.
Kids like caviar, right?
Team Underdog is stoked to be working together. Probably because none of them are bossy ego-maniacs, which means all of them will get a chance to shine. They might use that chance to suck, but at least the chance will be there. Katzie is a bitch, but she’s not a control-freak bitch.
Katzie tells us they’re doing super straight-forward non-plated easy to eat treats. Good plan. It’s a waterpark and no one wants tiramisu at a water park.
Team Ego tells us they’re trying to do something “A little more refined” and I can already feel my prediction coming true. Play to your crowd, dipshits!
What could possibly go wrong in refining the food at a water park?
Team Nice is trying to keep things somewhat simple and Sally is making a smoothie thing that Carlos came up with. I’m guessing this is because she has immunity and wants to help the team, and while being a team player tends to bite people in the butt, at least she does have immunity.
Jafar tells us he grew up in the Caribbean and learned to swim via Grampa throwing him in the ocean. So not surprised to hear that.
Swim, ya little pussy!
Over at the ice cream machines, Carlos is making bars and Sally is making smoothies. Katzie is throwing an ineffectual bitch fit about the machines being occupied for so long. The other teams need the ice cream machines too but everyone else just makes an order in which they get to use it. Oh, except for Chris who decides to re-think his sorbet and use a different method or something so he can stay out of the ice cream machine madness.
Dear Bravo network: Spring for the extra ice cream machine you cheap cheap bastards. Two machines for a kitchen full of cooks is just begging for drama. Which I’m betting is precisely what you’re doing actually.
Team nice says, “Go fuck yourself”
Carlos tells Katzie that she can use his machine for about 45 minutes but then he’ll need it back, and then in walks Johnny. He talks to Team Ego first, and comes to the conclusion that their desserts sound potentially difficult to eat. Next he goes to Team Underdog, where Katzie tells him that she’s making a tribute to L&B Spumoni Gardens. Johhny calls the L&B guys his family, so Katzie better bring it.
Over on Team Nice, Johnny asks about the ice cream drama and Sally notices that Katzie’s machine is spewing ice cream everywhere, which she kindly informs Katzie of right away. Looks like she forgot to close the hatch to the machine, but it doesn’t look like it was too big of a deal.
Ice cream karma is swift and cold and sticky
Montage: Kitchenaid, Glad products, etc!
Carlos doesn’t have enough time and molds to make his pops, so he’s planning to use some liquid nitrogen. Chris steals his tank for his own desserts, and Carlos looks like he wants to smack him in his smarmy little face, but handles it pretty well and just tells Chris he needs to refill the tank and give it back because he had it at his station and ready to go so he could use it. Chris doesn’t seem overly concerned, because Chris is an ass.
We would also have accepted douche
It’s the next day and the girls are getting ready and trying to decide if they should wear bathing suits and stressing over their girly body image issues. Sally says she has a big gay crush on Amanda. Amanda actually is kinda on the hot side.
Bow chica bow wow Top Chef lowered my standards of hot
Off to the water park! The chefs have an hour and a half to get ready to serve. Matthew makes fun of Jafar’s shorts while Sally tries to have fun with Chris and Matthew sprays people with a squirt gun.
All super-villains rock plaid board shorts. Duh.
Amanda is making funnel cake and testing the consistency. She’s a little meh at it, but Sally looks to have the whole technique down and is happy to help.
Um… After the challenge do you wanna go up to my room and listen to records?
With that the doors open and the patrons come pouring in. Everyone’s putting out desserts for the mad crowd and the judges come wandering over to do that whole judging thing. Stupid Twat, who I thought we were maybe done having to look at, is back to no doubt say really stupid things.
My opinions are valid. I like turtles!
What the fuck is a lifestyle critic? Is that like when my mom calls to check if I’m over this whole lesbian phase yet and to let me know if I wore a little more make-up I could totally be pretty enough to find a husband?
They hit Team Ego first, and here’s Chris’ dish
Nothing says kids treat like a cilantro infusion
He made an ice luge to pour the drink through, which is rad, but Johnny says it’s all too sweet. Danielle says that ice is cold or something.
The surprise is the pretentiousness.
He gets told his dessert is too heavy and he’d have been better off just making a boring ol’ root beer float.
Matthew runs off to plate his dessert, which I guess takes way too long and the judges bitch about standing around. This looks fucking delicious though
Johnny tells Matthew his ice cream is gummy, and Gail says his strawberries are warm. They’re sauteed and thus intended to be warm, but that was maybe not the best choice for today. Pretty sure Team Ego ate shit hard here. I hope Matthew’s wasn’t the worst.
Time for Team Underdog.
Danielle’s orgasm face guys. You’re welcome for the nightmares.
Katzie sprays everyone in the face with lavender for some reason, and then Rebecca presents her dessert:
Umm… yes please
It goes over well with the judges, who like the presentation and the firmness of the ice cream.
Megan made this
Because kids LOVE basil in their desserts
Gail says it’s a little too sweet, but the judges seem to like it overall.
Dumb twat loves it, Johnny digs it, and Team Underdog looks to be in the lead.
Last up is Team Nice
Carlos went Cap-N Crunch again
I bet that popsicle cuts the shit out of the roof of your mouth
He gets told it’s pretty, but too sweet and not refreshing
Sally made this
The judges like it but don’t love it. It’s a freakin smoothie, so there’s not really that much to be done with it.
Amanda is worried about her funnel cakes sitting while the judges talk to everyone else first, and the judges do say that the cakes were too hard and not fresh enough.
That’s it for the challenge, and it’s a runaway victory for Team Underdog. The other two teams seemed to suck pretty evenly, so it’s tough to say who lost. The cheftestants go play in the water, Katzie loses her shorts, and I’ll spare you all the screen shots.
Over in the stew room the contestants are all chit-chatting and Gail calls back Team Underdog. This team… had their FAVORITE desserts. Ha! Go Team Underdog. The winner with the best treat was… Katzie. Again. Ha! Jafar is gonna be PISSED!
Better tell them that they are the “top three” so Chris doesn’t grill them when they get back
Gail tells them to send back the other two teams, and it’s dramatic doom music time. Johnny asks Sally if she played it safe because she had immunity, which she denies. Johnny is really hard on her for her smoothie though cause he’s a dick.
I’ve got sand in my vagina today
Carlos gets called out for making something way way too sweet. Amanda gets told her funnel cake was hard and gross and cold. Johnny is really mean to her too because I guess somebody pissed in his pomade this morning or something.
Or maybe sitting next to her is making him homicidal…
Over on Team Ego the boys get scolded for not making desserts to fit their environment. Wow. Who could have possibly seen that coming? Oh right, me.
Chris gets told his dessert was too sticky sweet, Jafar is told his root-beer float thing was bleh, and Matthew’s dessert would have been good in a restaurant but the warm strawberries were not right for a water park.
The chefs get sent away so the judges can determine their fate. There’s no one who made anything they liked, but based on what we’re hearing from the judges I’d say Chris and Matthew are probably safe. Carlos, Jafar, and Amanda are in trouble and I hope that Amanda doesn’t go home cause she’s just starting to grow on me.
Please try not to suck if you’re gonna be likable. kthnxbai
Matt, Sally, and Chris get sent back to the stew room and told their safe. Jafar blinks back tears because he hates crying and never cries.
I just have something in my eye, guys. It’s allergies.
The chef going home this week is… Amanda. Aw… That’s too bad. She wasn’t my favorite or anything, but I liked her a lot more than some of the other ass-hats in this competition.
And Sally will miss you most of all
Next week, there’s a Beastie Boy there making them make desserts out of Ravioli and shit. That should be a fun one.
How’s everyone feel about the elimination this week? Was anyone else as totally not surprised as me to find that Team Ego couldn’t adjust their thinking to match their environment? Does anyone else find Jafar’s villainy attempts to be getting increasingly hilarious?