Top Chef Just Desserts: Temper, Temper

Welcome Gasmi!  Do you have a sweet tooth?  Do you know the difference between a pastry chef and a baker?  Do you often skip dinner and go straight to dessert?  If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, Top Chef: Just Desserts may be just the show for you!  If you didn’t answer yes I’ll just assume you’ve tuned in for one of three other reasons.  One, you want to see what hideous blouse Gail will wear each week.  Two, you love DJ YouBear (aka Hubert Keller).  Or, three…….

You’re wondering just how greasy Johnny’s hair can get.

Whatever your reason for tuning in, I’m glad to see you here.  Some of you may know me from the various dance shows I cover here at the ‘Gasm, but I am also a food lover/pretty decent home cook.  In fact, the first show I ever recapped for the site was Hell’s Kitchen.  I do love that profane Scotsman.

Anyway, before we get to the first show, I feel that I need to come clean about something.  While I happen to LOVE desserts, I absolutely hate chocolate.  Yes, yes, I am one of the few people in the entire world that don’t like chocolate, and no, there is nothing wrong with me.  (Well, not much anyway) Will this affect what I think of the dishes the contestants produce?  Probably.

On to the show!

Poor Gail, they’re already fucking with her!

Gail tells us the twelve of the most talented pastry chefs in America will be taking on the toughest culinary challenge of their lives.  We got some clips from the season including cheerleaders, sabotage, and general bitchiness.  Gail also tells us our judges for the season will be Johnny Iuzzini (Nogerelli), DJ YouBear aka Le Mullet aka everyone’s favorite Frenchie, and Dannielle Kyrillos who I have never heard of but am already over.

Need I explain further?

The prizes for the winner are a feature in Food & Wine magazine, a showcase at the annual Pebble Beach Food & Wine Festival, a Buick, and $100,000.  Ready to meet the chefs?  First up is Seth.  The first thing he tells us is that people think he looks like Marky Mark or Dexter.

Oh yeah, I totally see it.  You’ll be on a billboard in your underwear in no time.

He also tells us he was the original pastry chef at Harold Dieterle’s (aka first and best Top Chef) restaurant Perilla.  I absolutely adore Harold, but I am not feeling the love for Seth especially since he tells us he’s a prima donna.  He meets up with Tania who tells us she is a Jewish atheist who is all about rebellion.

She is also about some scary ass bangs.

Also joining them are Heather and Erika, after establishing that no one knows what to expect, a double decker pulls up and the chefs are forced to ride in the top deck.  Erika’s hair is getting mussed up from the wind, while Heather quotes from her resume for all of us.

They stop to pick up three more chefs, and we get our first introduction to Zac who in the promos from the show told us his food tastes like your mom made it and then someone slapped her.  Zac is super queeny and tells us he will cut us with his flavor.

I will cut YOU with my knife.

No word on who the other two chefs with Zac are but I’m sure we’ll hear about them later.  The next person we’re introduced to is Ted Tim Nugent who tells us he is referred to as the snow queen because his frozen desserts are so good.  And because he is also a total queen.

Everything turns to snow at my touch….I’m too much!

Another Heather joins the passengers, as well as Danielle….

And this cutie patootie.

Rounding out the twelve is Morgan who has a kid, a girlfriend and enjoys rock climbing.  He tells us it’s a miracle that he’s sane.  We’ll see if he stays that way.  He also tells us that he thinks pastry chefs get a bad rap and that he thinks they can do just as much as savory chefs.  I think this will become a running theme throughout the season.

After making sure the chefs get nice and toasted, Gail and Johnny finally hauls their asses onto the bus.  Seth tells us he has a crush on Gail and he’s trying to concentrate on what she’s saying but that damn boner keeps distracting him.  No one mentions a crush on Johnny.

Malika (who?) tells us she has eaten Johnny’s desserts many times and he is brilliant.

That’s more like it!

He tells the chefs that he can’t wait for them to show the world just how artistic and inventive desserts can really be.  Pep talk over, it’s time to get down to their first quickfire challenge: create a signature dessert.  As in it’s parent show, the winner here will receive immunity in the elimination round.

They’re given $50 and thirty minutes to shop.  Once back at the kitchen, they’ll have an hour and half to make their dessert.  Ready?  Go!

While the shopping is going on, we find out that cutie patootie’s name is Yigit and he’s originally from Turkey.  He also used to work for Daniel Boulud which is really impressive.  We also meet Eric who is a baker.  What’s the difference between a pastry chef and a baker?  Well, to hear Eric tell it, it’s pretty much froofy vs. non-froofy.

Erika tells us they aren’t allowed any recipes here, and that’s a concern since there really isn’t a large margin of error when it comes to pastry.  Malika is in the process of a divorce and she wants to win so that her three boys can see that she did something fantastic.

Other than kicking their dad to the curb.

They get to the JD kitchen, and they oooh and aaaahhh about all the great equipment that’s there.  We’ll see how long that lasts because I think you and I both know already that nothing ever work the way it’s supposed to in a Top Chef kitchen, right?  Seth in particular is really excited about the gadgets.

And I don’t think that boner’s gonna be bothering him anymore.  Well, for a little while at least.

Tania is making a chocolate cake that she calls her serious chocolate cake.  I wanna try her I’m just fucking around chocolate cake.  She’s nervous and tells us that she’s been trying to get pregnant for the last three years.  Maybe she should try getting rid of those bangs.  They’re probably scaring the sperm away, even from up there.

Someone turned Seth’s burner off (he probably forgot to turn it on), and Morgan swears it wasn’t him which makes me immediately think he did it.  I’m suspicious like that.  Anyway, Seth’s nervous cooking for Johnny because the last time he saw him he was doing a tasting out of Johnny’s kitchen at Jean-Georges and completely screwed the pooch.  Yeah, I’d also be nervous about seeing the man again if I had  fucked his dog.  Also? Ewwwwwww.

Fifteen minutes into their cooking time in stroll Gail and Johnny to add a twist.  They must transform their signature dish into a cupcake.  Lame!  I hate that.  Normally I’m all about screwing with the contestants, but screw with them equally.  This gives more of an advantage to those that were already making a cake, and really screws other people.  Pllllbbbt!

Gail, I will pop out your eyeballs and skull fuck you to death.

Yes, that face is the face of a totally sane man, isn’t it?  Morgan tells us everybody crapped their pants.  God, I hope not because that would make for one foul smelling kitchen!  Gail overcomes the stink of shit long enough to tell them they have an hour and fifteen minutes to cook and then she hightails it out of there, probably looking for some Vick’s vaporub to put under her nose.

Everyone is running around, trying to get their dishes done and we hear from the Snow Queen that turning his Semi Freddo into a cupcake is impossible, so he’s just gonna go ahead and make it, but shape it like a cupcake.  Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over real well.

Let’s see what they all made!  Tania’s up first.

And it appears that her cupcake has left a little shit trail behind it.

Johnny confirms that the cupcake is filled with chicory mousse, and then he and Gail move on to Heather and her distracting forehead bandage.

Hon, the hair is not hiding it.

Anyway, she’s made a carrot cake.

Served with a garnish of Carrottop pubes.

Johnny likes the sourness of the creme fraiche.  I want to know how the hell you cut yourself on the forehead.  Next up is Zac who tells them his original dessert was to be lemon meringue “in a glass”.  Why the quotes?

It looks like a boob with the nipple burned off.

The marshmallow topping seems to have some Elmer’s glue mixed in because Johnny’s having a hard time prying his mouth open after eating it.

Does that mean a blow job is out of the question?

He’d have to be able to pry his mouth open first ya dummy!  Danielle is next, and I think her cupcake may be the smelly kid in class.

Because nothing wants to stand near it.

Time for Eric who tells them that his original dish was a whoopie pie, but he scrapped that and made a devil’s food cupcake.

Topped by a poo rose.

I mean, I’ve heard of people thinking their shit smells like roses, but isn’t making it look like one taking it a little too far?  Rather than make a cupcake, Tim (aka the Snow Queen) has decide to throw caution to the wind.

With his ode to The Exorcist

Johnny wonders if there’s any cake in there, and Tim assures them that he did in fact ignore the challenge twist.  Yep, he’s sure to win this one, doncha think?

Seth is up next

With Shrek’s birthday cupcake.

Followed by Crazy Morgan

Whose cupcake is trying to stab itself to death.

Probably trying to get away from his crazy ass.  And finally we have Malika who didn’t finish in time.

Wauh wauh wauh.

Gail tells her the trickiest thing on this show is going to be timing.  Thanks for that Gail!  Now shut it.

Obviously Malika is in the bottom three since she didn’t actually have anything for them to eat.  Joining her is the Snow Queen (shocker) and Zac and his marshmallow glue.  Zac looks at the other two in the bottom three and realizes that they didn’t actually make cupcakes which means his was the worst cupcake of all.  True that!

Favorites of this round are Seth’s herbacious cupcake (mmm…..weedcake), Tania’s moist (and runny) chicory cupcake, and Heather C’s fried Carrot pubecake.  And the winner is……

Yes, Marky Mark.  I totally see it now.

Seth reminds us that Harold won the first challenge of his season and then went on to win the whole shebang.  He thinks the natural progression of things will be him winning the title.  Don’t get ahead of yourself there, underwear notdel.

Time for the elimination challenge.  Gail tells them they’ll be working with everyone’s favorite ingredient.  Oh blech, it’s not….is it?

YUCK

Yigit tells us how temperamental chocolate is to work with , but Johnny loves working with it because it’s so rich and decadent.  He says it’s what people expect when they think of great dessert.  We’ve already covered how I feel about this particular ingredient, so I assume you all know that I completely disagree with him.

Gail tells them they have to create the most luxurious chocolate dessert imaginable because they have to impress Mr. Chocolate himself, Jacques Torres.  Granted, I may not like chocolate, but I’ve seen what this man can do with the ingredient.  He is a chocolate genius.  Zac says if you took a bit of Jacques, he would ooze ganache.  Hate.  Him.

They’ll have four hours to cook in the Top Chef kitchen, and then one hour to plate and serve in the dining room.  With that, she sends them off to their loft for a good night’s rest before the chocolate war is to begin.

The loft is pretty cool, with some fun dessert paintings decorating various rooms.  Morgan says that since there’s six boys and six girls, all the girls can be together.  Seth agrees that’s a good way to start since beds are going to be opening up every day anyway.  He also takes this opportunity to tell the others that he’s an insomniac, not that that means he should get a special bed or anything.

Well, if you’re an insomniac why do you need a bed at all?  It’s not like you’ll be SLEEPING in it!

What a jackass.  Crazy Morgan joins in saying he needs the thermostat turned down real low because if it’s not freezing he won’t sleep.  And then he’ll make sure none of them sleep.

Psycho!

Great, now everyone’s gonna get insomnia!  Seth tells the group that was his one bitch card and he won’t be doing that again.  Yeah, I totally believe him.  Oh lord!  Now Zac is piping up saying he needs his own bathroom because he has bathroom issues.  Get over it, Zac; you’re gonna have to go poopy in the same bathroom as everyone else.

The next day they all get down to creating their decadent, luxurious chocolate dishes.  Danielle tells us she’s marking her territory like a cat, and I hope to god no one slips and falls into her pee.  Morgan is feeling confident because the only ingredient he uses more than chocolate is sugar.  He’s also got a bottle of Maker’s Mark on his counter, which may be the more likely source of his confidence.

He’s put the whiskey in his pie dough which sounds really gross to me, but then again, I’m more of a scotch girl myself.  Heather H (AsianHeather) tells us that being a great pastry chef is about being well rounded; if you have the technical skills, you can do anything.

Yes, very impressive AsianHeather!

Yigit is working next to her and says they have very similar techniques to him which is scary because that makes her such a strong competitor.  Poor Yigit might have egg boob envy.

A stream of obscenities brings us back to Crazy Morgan.  Someone turned his oven on convection which has caused one tray of his milk chocolate flan to burn, leaving him with only one tray.  Zac wants to prove himself in a major way after his awful first challenge showing.  He tells us he doesn’t like being on the bottom.

Liar!

In comes Nagerelli for a walk through the kitchen.  I’m betting he won’t be as good as Daddy Tom is at this.  He stops at Seth’s station first and determines he’s excited to try what he’s making.  He also seems to be impressed that Seth is not just resting on his immunity.  Next he stops and talks to Tania

And offers to give her some hair advice.

She’s not all about the goopy gel though, so he moves on to Danielle who looks like she may be taking some nips of that Maker’s Mark as she tells Nagerelli that she’s going to be making a free form tart.  Translation:  pile a bunch of crap on the plate with some pastry dough and called it a free form tart.

After Johnny leaves Tania has a moment of panic as she realizes her white chocolate mousse looks more like hummus.  You’d think this would mean that she’d throw it out and start over, but she doesn’t, hoping the flavors will save her. With that, we’re ready to serve.

Morgan’s up first and I think his pie looks more like a fried chocolate wonton.

Boor-ring

From Crazy Morgan, they move on to Bandaid Heather

And her ode to poo with log, nugget and smear all represented.

The judges sit down to try the two dishes, and Johnny says that he’s always nervous about fried chocolate things because they tend to get really greasy and his afraid his mouth might get burned by the molten chocolava inside.  He also doesn’t know if the flan separated, but his has two layers.  They move on the Bandaid Heather’s dish and Jacques tells them he has never had a whoopie pie before.

Waz iz zee whoopie?  We make it, no?

I think Mr Chocolate may have been watching too many Newlywed Show reruns.  He would prefer sumsing more ceetrussee inside.

They move on, heading over to Eric’s table

Where he has prepared a brownie.  Are brownies luxurious?

AsianHeather’s table is next and she’s got some sort of chocolate mousse torte thingy

Served with a drizzle of liquid poo.  Yum.

Zac’s table is next, and he’s busy breaking out the disco dust aka edible glitter.  Why am I not surprised that this particular queen likes his desserts to sparkle?

It still looks like poo to me

Am I the only one grossed out by this much chocolate in one show?  Anyone else?  Anyone?  Dannielle thinks you can taste the disco, but Jacques is totally grossed out by the thought of someone blowing on his food.  Me too, Jacques!  They like Eric’s brownie, but Jacques doesn’t sink zat eet eez zee most daycadent desserts e can do.  They all seem to be impressed with AsianHeather’s torte.

Moving on, the chefs visit Tania’s table where she is serving tear drop shaped chocohummus

With some of Bandaid Heather’s leftover Carrotpubes.

She tells them right off that the texture of the mousse is not where she wants it to be  but that she’s hoping they’ll really enjoy the flavors.  Danielle is next

With more of the same pooey looking stuff

They’re not impressed with Danielle’s tart, saying you have to work to get the right bite.  Judge Dannielle says Tania was right about the texture of her dessert, but she loves that it’s in the shape of a teardrop.  What?  Why is this woman a judge?  Stupid.

Seth’s dessert looks like it’s on the rag

While Yigit’s dessert answers a question I have also wondered about

What color is an albino’s shit?

Yigit’s ice cream is deemed rubbery by the judges, and I was worried for a minute there that Gail might feel the same way about rubbery ice cream that she does about rubbery eggs.  That doesn’t appear to be the case as we move on quickly to Seth’s dessert which Dannielle compares to a pug: tiny little body, but powerful.  I am having a powerful urge to snap her neck.  Johnny likes the intensity of the curry and thinks it melds well with the chocolate.

The Snow Queen did not make something frozen this time around

But his cake is bleeding.

No need to get so stabby with your cake, Queenie!  Oh, maybe it was just cycling with Seth’s dessert.  Johnny tells Malika he’s happy to see she finished this time

But her poor cake seems to be oozing pus AND poo.

It’s like plague cake or something.  Erika’s got the classic poo smear on her plate

Along with some baby poo droppings.  You know, in case you lose your way.

She tells the judges she has every chocolate you can think of in her dish, and Johnny calls her a chocolate ninja.

They love the crunch on the bottom of Erika’s dish, Jacques thinks Tim’s cake eez a leetle beet dens, but ze flavur eez really gud, and Johnny is hearing things because he thinks Malika’s screams chocolate.  In the end, they think some people really delivered on the challenge of chocolate decadence and some people didn’t. It’s funny how that happens, isn’t it?

Time for judges’ table!  They want to see Seth, AsianHeather, and Zac.  The other contestants try to pretend that they don’t know what this means, but if they’ve watched Top Chef before they should know that this is the top group.  Crazy Morgan is sure they aren’t in the top because he tried their dishes and he knows for a fact that his dish was much better.

The voices in my head say so.

Unsurprisingly, they are indeed the top three.  Zac immediately starts crying.  He says that making dessert is kind of like giving birth to a baby.  I think all the viewers that have actually given birth would disagree.  He goes on saying how you think you’re baby is beautiful but you don’t know how it will be perceived or who it’s gonna hang out with.  Uh, a baby hangs out with whoever or whatever you put it next to dipshit.

Nagerelli tells him he thinks he made a really well conceived (get it, conceived?) dish, while Dannielle says it was like a party in her mouth.  Gross.  Jacques tells him ezz a big nono to blow ze dust eento zee desserts.

What can I say?  I just love to blow.

Johnny tells AsianHeather he thinks her dessert was really well balanced, and Jacques liked the surprise crunch hidden inside.  They compliment Seth on having immunity yet still making a really cutting edge dessert.  Dummy Dannielle has never heard of curry in dessert before.  I repeat, how is this woman a judge for this show?  He says he seasons really aggressively and he’s shocked that they all liked it.  Yeah, I believe him, don’t you?

As the guest judge Mr. Chocolate gets to name the winner and that is………

AsianHeather!

Damn Asians.  Always ruining the curve.

Wow, Seth can’t even manage to fake clap for her.  What a poor sport.  Back in the stew room, Seth tells them the judges want to see Danielle, Tania and Crazy Morgan.  Have fun out there, looozahs!

Once they’re out with the judges, Gail asks Danielle why she thinks she’s there.

Because you have a hatred of funky bangs?

She has no idea why she’s there.  Johnny says his first issue with her dessert was how difficult it was to eat. She thought it might move around but really liked the idea of a free form tart, so nanny nanny boo boo.  Jacques tells her her desserts was not popping when eaten layer by layer.

Tania says she knows the texture of her mouse was really off.

You ain’t kidding honey!

I think Johnny looks like the hummousse may have traumatized him.  He says when he walked through she seemed to be okay, and she says her timing was just really off.  Gail liked the chocolate layer under the hummus mousse but there wasn’t enough of it to drown out the awfulness of said hummousse.

Crazy Morgan tells them he thinks he gave them a nice array of temperatures and textures, and he thought all of the components were delicious.  Johnny says he couldn’t tell what that cube of gelee was and he also couldn’t tell if it had separated or was two different flavors stacked.  Crazy Morgan says it was a milk chocolate flan that separated but he was hoping they would notice.

Dannielle thinks the flan was a jarring contrast and it was like something didn’t belong on that plate.  He counters that he was afraid of being told he didn’t do enough.  They’re sent back to the stew room while the judges deliberate, and when Seth asks what the judges said, Crazy Morgan says he has nothing to say.

Johnny thinks Morgan’s biggest problem was himself; he tried to do too much.  They have a real problem with the fact that Tania didn’t correct her mousse, saying she had plenty of time to do that.  They also think her flavors were really timid.  Nagerelli feels like Danielle was a little defensive about her dessert and says she was in the bottom three for a reason.  They also talk more about how difficult it was to eat the dessert the way it was supposed to be eaten.

After a brief break, it’s time to find out who will be the first pastry chef to get cut.  But first their Johnny blurbs:  Morgan has technique, but spread himself too thin.  If Danielle had taken the time to think about her dessert construction she would have done it differently.  Guaranteed.  Tania didn’t correct her mousse.  And the pastry chef going home tonight is……

I think it’s really because of those scary ass bangs.

Oh, and the tag for the cutting on this show is….”Tania, you’re dessert just didn’t measure up.  Please pack your tools and go.”  Dumb.

Of course she’s upset to be the first one to go home, and it is a shame because she looked like she could make some decent desserts and had some good ideas.  I’d rather have seen Crazy Morgan ass get booted.

And that, Gasmi, is the end of the first episode.  What did you think?  Are you happy AsianHeather won?  Did you think Seth was a giant douche for not even congratulating her?  Do you think Morgan is funny crazy or scary crazy?  And was anyone else grossed out by all that chocolate?

We’re shown clips from the upcoming season, and it looks like Morgan keeps on riding the crazy train.  Also, cheerleaders, fire eaters, and chocolate masks.  Hope you’ll join me!

SWAK, PottyMouth