Top Chef Masters Finale: Black And White And Blue All Over

Hello again, ‘Gasmii!  Did you miss me?  I missed you guys, but honestly, we were having the time of our lives scootching all over the SouthWest in a Dodge Caravan we dubbed “Carrie” and seeing some of the natural beauty that is America (the only crummy part was when the BF got sick to his tummy and we had to play Let’s See How Many Restrooms We Can Visit Between Pueblo And Denver).  In any case,  I want to give special thanks again to SlifeGoesOn for taking over for me while I was away, he did a great job and now I owe him some kind of sexual favor dinner…

maybe we can share a glass of water here (with extra ice!)

Yes, that’s me in front of Reverend Moonie’s restaurant RM Seafood at the Mandalay Bay Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.  We were totally going to eat there, but it was just me and my Vegan BFF and I’m sorry to say that while Rick is big on the sustainability aspect of food, his menu is heavy on the corpses of our little sea-creature friends and light on the kind of fare that herbivores would find attractive, so we went to ChicleTeeth’s place instead and had some $8 guacamole.

More on that later, let’s get down to business with this, our final episode of Season Two of Top Chef Masters.  We’ve run the gamut with 22 Masters from all over the place, some old, some new, some sweet and some that were really fucking irritating (such as Milli Vanilli, Big Burke, Ludocrous and Holy Dick).  Now it’s time for the Final Three Masters (Sussudio, La Marquessa and Reverend Moonie) to square off (or would it be triangle off?  maybe squircangle off?) against each other to see who will join Rick Bayleafs as Top Chef MASTAHHHHHHH!

Because there is no QuickFire Challenge this episode the Magical Elves wind up using a lot of filler, so each of the three Masters gets a flashback sequence from this season.  I won’t bore you with a play by play (for a change).  I’d like to do a highlight .gif instead…

Sussudio makes the bestest faces, doesn’t he?

As far as what the Masters themselves seem to think about all of this, Reverend Moonie pretty much feels vindicated that he landed in the Finale after he fucked up the QuickFire and got booted last season.  La Marquessa of course says that he always stayed true to himself and blathers on about how confident he is being the youngest of the Masters.  Curiously, he fails to mention how many times he borrowed ingredients or accepted other  help from his fellow competitors during the course of the Finals, but in my experience that’s pretty much the way of egotistical asshats:  you help them out and they act like it just proves they were awesome the entire time.  Prick.  On the other hand, Sussudio just continues to make me giggle and like him more for his quirky syntax and the way he started out sucking with a terrible score in his first QuickFire, and wound up dominating with the highest elimination score in the show’s history.

Anyhow, last season’s Finale began with the Final Three Masters getting to lounge around the fabulous Getty Villa, with it’s gorgeous artwork, quiet fountains and lush gardens.  This season our Top Three find themselves being unknowingly Lexussed to the wondrous beauty of…

a crappy train station

But of course, who needs gardens and fountains and art when you can visit a giant waiting room that contains the lingering scent of urine, feet and just a hint of Homeless People Vomit™?  Way to pull out all the stops on the road to luxury for your Second Season, show!  However, these three are too classy to show their disappointment and duly pretend to be awed by the cavernous space as Bok Choi welcomes them one last time and lays out the Final Challenge, which IS actually the same as last years:  create a meal inspired by their journey as a chef.

Great, this means that we get to listen to La Marquessa say things like “orphaned” and “tuberculosis” and  “my wife’s village” for the skillionth time.  In return, I really hope he gets to hear things like “tired” and “disgusting” and “2½ stars”.  In any case, the courses break down as follows:

Course One:  Make a dish inspired by their first food memory.  If they’re being honest with themselves, then I’d expect lots of stuff made out of pureéd peas and applesauce.

Course Two:  Make a dish inspired by the experience that made them want to become a chef.  This could prove difficult, since I have no idea how you create food that says “I like being on TV and having people kissing my ass a lot.”

Course Three:  Make a dish that describes them as a chef.  Hopefully the Top Chef Masters Pantry comes stocked with a large supply of cow anus or La Marquessa is shit out of luck.

And that’s it.  No fourth course. No required dessert. No imagination.  BOO!  I am pissed at you uglier older sister-show!  Wasted opportunities make me mad!…

“Sorry guys, we ran out of stuff from the other shows that was worth copying.”

However, Sussudio’s intrigued, he says he’s never done anything like this before, and that to describe his journey as a chef in three plates is going to be “heavy”.  We’ll see what he means by that in a few minutes.  Meanwhile, Bok Choi isn’t finished with disappointing news:  while we do have Daddy Tom joining the Critics for the Final Meal, we do not get Scar Lakshmi !  Even worse, instead of having the six winners of Top Chef appear, we just get the Top Three from last season!  Which means that even though they’ve included the first Top Chef Master Rick Bayleafs (and I’m always happy to see DJ Le Mullet YouBear Kellair) we’re also stuck with Smirky McSmugMug Michael Chiarello…

I know, I totally made this same face

I think that righteously sucks for Bayleafs, it’s like he doesn’t really get to enjoy his win or his status as the first ever Top Chef Master, he’s just one of the panel of also-rans.  The only thing that might make this choice semi-palatable is the fact that Bayleafs, YouBear and Smirky all know what it’s like to be doing this show, and perhaps their judging will be a tad more lenient.  Unless any of them are still bitter about not winning, then everybody is fucked.

Oh well, as a special “treat” the Masters now get to have breakfast with each other and “reminisce” about stuff at the Old Union Station Restaurant!  That sounds divine!  I can just see it now:  “Try Our Dysentery Special!  Spending Time In The Toilet Makes The Ride Go Faster!”  La Marquessa tries to put a good face on it as he smiles and says “Niiiiiice!”, but the look on Sussudio’s face is far more honest…

“I rather have McMuff Egg from Jack In Da Box.”

Not only that, but doesn’t the hall where they’re eating remind you of the ballroom where Jack Nicholson did all his murderous creative writing in The Shining?…

all work and no play makes Jack a fucking psychopath

As they sit down to eat their croissants and fruit plates, La Marquessa’s saying he doesn’t really have a food memory from Africa, which kinda takes the wind out of any sort of Ethiopian Famine joke I could have made.  Instead, his first one comes from Sweden (natch!) after he mentions again how he was ORPHANED AT THE AGE OF THREE (*glug*) when his mother died of TUBERCULOSIS (*glug*) and he and his sister became Swedish.  So he grew up on the water and is going to make something with fish…

and I’m going to make sure I have a barf bucket available after I get done having shots here

Meanwhile Moonie tells how his father was an immigrant from Holland and took him clamming a lot…

in between trips to the ophthalmologist, apparently

Anyhow he says the flavors of the ocean (and the smell of rotting seaweed) were the first things he remembers, so his first dish will also be fishy…

not to mention expensive as fuck

As for Sussudio, he also has a Daddy Memory™ of the first time they went to have dim sum together and he tasted a really great black bean sauce, so naturally he’s going to make something similar…

I think he should have called them “Daddy’s Li’l Dumplings”, don’t you?

Last trip to Pasadena Whole Paycheck Market, and naturally La Marquessa is running for his life to make sure and get to the meat counter first and order up all of whatever Reverend Moonie and Sussudio need for their dishes.  KIDDING, but he could prolly do it today of all days, because they have $1500.00 each to blow for their shopping!

Sussudio’s talking about his ninja ways of gunning for the top spot, and I think I might have neglected to mention that his charity is the Andre Agassi Foundation For Education, which reminds me of something I read in Kathy Griffin’s book recently about how Andre’s fabulous mullet in the late 80’s was actually a wig!  The reason that I bring that up is because the logo for Andre’s foundation oddly looks like a bald head spouting some weave…

I have helped it along in case you don’t see it

Reverend Moonie says he thinks Sussudio is his biggest competition because he’s an enigma and puts out an air of intimidating confidence.  He’s fully convinced that it’s going to come down to the two of them in the very end.  I hope so, but it doesn’t look so good when we see Moonie drop and almost lose his notepad at the store. D’oh!

Back at the TCM Kitchens, the three of them start their 4 hours of prep time, and now we get to hear from La Marquessa about the moment he knew he wanted to become a chef.  It’s when his grandmother got too sick to cook Christmas Eve Dinner and he had to finish making the roast duck all by himself…

at age 6

I’m kidding, I don’t think he meant to say that he cooked an entire gigantic and important meal all by himself as an actual child, it’s just the juxtaposition of his statement with that picture sorta implied it.  Or maybe he did, I dunno, I wouldn’t put it past him to brag about himself like that, to which I would call total bullshit, cuz 99% of kids under age 10 can barely pour themselves a glass of milk without making a giant hideous mess, much less cook and baste an entire duck with all the side dishes AND if making that kind of holiday meal is that easy then my mother has some serious explaining to do for all the times she guilted us into doing the dishes for her afterwards.  Anyhow, this is what La Marquessa’s planning for his second course…

Merry Swedish Christmas!

Next, Sussudio starts talking about his first wife Marilou, who was a Canadian (ten years his senior!).  He says at that time he was already a cook, but didn’t know if he really wanted to be an actual chef, the cooking thing was just a job to him.  Apparently one night, tired of having Chinese food, his wife suggested they try some Japanese cuisine instead (I guess she was a believer in baby steps) and the brand new experience opened him up to wanting to explore other cultures and their culinary stories.  It’s possible this is when he picked up his ninja metaphors as well.  His menu definitely has a Japanese flavor to it…

and the way he is beating the shit out of that tuna is very ninja-like

Lastly, Reverend Moonie talks of growing up in the unfortunately-named Flushing, Queens, and how his next-door neighbor-lady made a dish comprised of bacon and eggs with cheese and mushrooms.  He had never eaten mushrooms before, and that flavor combination is what made him realize that “food could be exotic”, which I must admit is a weird thing to hear someone say about a bacon-egg-cheese-mushroom dish.  Then again, he was just a kid, and kids consider things like Velveeta & Shells to be “exotic”.  In any case, we see his proposed menu, and then I feel a cold chill in my heart…

NOOOOOOOO, NOT GNOOOOOOOOOCHIIIIIIIIII!

Yes, the number one dish that is almost universally hated and damn-near impossible to get correct is what Moonie’s decided to do.  Smirky McSmugMug did gnocchi in the finale LAST season, he’s been doing them since he was an embryo, and even HE couldn’t win with them, why in the blue fuck does Moonie think this is going to be a success?  I dunno, he’s just nuts, especially when he claims “You’re not gonna be able to stand up after tasting this dish!”  Not a good sign.

Here’s where things take a surprising turn.  Sussudio’s telling us about how he came to North America to start a new life with his first wife, but then she got offered a position as a professor in Hong Kong.  She decided to take the job while Sussudio would stay in Toronto and make some more money before eventually rejoining her later on.  “You know, there was a lot of dream of how we wanted to take on the future…”

OK, start by getting contacts, or at least glasses with smaller lenses

Tragedy intervened, because his wife happened to be a passenger on Korean Airlines Flight 007, which strayed over Russian airspace on September 1, 1983 due to a navigation error and was then shot down, killing everyone on board.  “Suddenly the dream was gone.  She was my best friend, and now I was by myself in North America not knowing anybody…”

I  had no idea. Sorry about the shit-talking.  Love, J-Mo

“I say to myself, you know, I really have to get my shit together now, so I started to think of a way to adapt and to focus on doing what I’m doing very well, which is cooking.  My first wife would be very proud of me.”  And you know, I have to congratulate the Magical Elves, because they did not give in to the temptation to put the Sad Plinky Piano Of Ersatz Compassion™ all over the soundtrack while he was telling this obviously painful story.

Also, bigger congratulations to Sussudio, for moving on with his life in a positive direction instead of letting a truly terrible event defeat him (especially one so shrouded in mystery, it’s taken literally YEARS for some of the details of what really happened to KAL 007 to become public, and there are still a lot of unanswered questions, which has to be truly horrific for the victims’ families).  Thus ends their last day before Elimination.

The next day they get 3½ hours to finish cooking, and while La Marquessa’s super-excited about how winning Top Chef Masters mean having “bragging rights forever”, I find it more humble (and appealing) that Reverend Moonie really wants to win the $100,000.00 because it would mean 300,000 meals for his charity Three Square, “I just don’t wanna let anybody down!”

Suddenly, in walks Bok Choi to tell them to stop what they’re doing because she has a surprise for them!  Cue Sussudio:  “Well, I very piss off actually, inside, to be honess with you!”…

and maybe a teensy bit skerd?

Nope, actually, she’s brought out their best sous-chefs from their restaurants to help them (same thing happened last season, too) and now they all FINALLY have someone to boss around again…

and don’t they all look thrilled?

Time is running out and La Marquessa notices that the protein Reverend Moonie’s working with is decidedly not the color of seafood.  He’s right, because Moonie’s decided that for his third course instead of being “the seafood guy” he’s going to tackle meat, specifically venison…

I hope Bambi’s mother is sustainable?

La Marquessa says his purpose in life as a chef is to “bring Africa into the food dialogue”…

by using a primarily Japanese ingredient?

Ah, but see, his hamachi is going to be stuffed with a tartare that comes from HIS WIFE’S HOME VILLAGE (damn, and I was almost sober again… *glug*) so there you go.  He says he’s hoping that eventually African food will take its place amongst the other popular cuisines of the world, such as Asian and Latin and Italian and Icelandian.

Then he pulls out a picture of his sister Ashu standing in front of the clay house that he was born in, and says she gets up at 3am to start her daily several mile-trek to go get clean water, which is absolutely horrible.  Sometimes I don’t even like to get out of BED to go get a glass of water (I employ the time-honored and highly-effective technique of “Moan Until The BF Can’t Stand It Anymore And Goes To Get You Some”).  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that La Marquessa’s charity is Unicef’s TAP Project, which works to bring clean water to places that need it, but JEEZ, if that poor girl was my sister, I’d certainly think about, I don’t know, moving her somewhere more developed so she didn’t have to suffer like that every day.  Especially if I were a famous and rich chef cooking for celebrities and world leaders and could totally afford to easily relocate her.  Don’t look at me like that, you know you totally thought the exact same thing when you saw this part.

Anyhow, back to Sussudio, we now get to see him with his second wife, and their children…

who are all impossibly pretty

He says his big wish was to bring them all back with him to Asia to teach them about Asian culture, “I hope they learn to be open minded to the ress of the world!”, and then they took a big trip to Thailand, so he’s going to make some Thai-style lamb…

and wrapping it in that creepy caul fat stuff, blech…

Sussudio works with major amounts of energy and vitality, but a neat-freak he is not, and this is driving the overly anal-retentive Reverend Moonie caRAZAY!  Observing how messy his station is getting, Moonie starts muttering about accidents looking for a place to happen, which causes Sussudio to point and yell “Now you making me piss of now!”…

“Don’t make me julienne you!”

Truthfully, SussudioLand does look pretty oogy and gross…

much like my own kitchen when I cook, which is why I rarely cook

Time is up and here are the semi-illustrious table of diners!…

and going in order starting with Bok Choi:  yay, meh, yay, boo, yay, BOO, yay, YAY!

Everybody shares a giggle that Smirky, YouBear and Bayleafs all know exactly what La Marquessa, Sussudio and Reverend Moonie are going through, and I have time enough to wonder why Daddy Tom is growing his soul patch out to such dirty lengths, and then we’re on to the first course, starting with La Marquessa’s dish…

which looks like a giant urinal cake

…followed by Sussudio’s…

which looks rather unpleasantly alien, like it’s trying to hurl itself off of the plate and bite you

…and how apropos that Moonie’s in the rear!…

which looks like something you’d pattern a muumuu after

Aloha.  And can someone tell me, does “live sea scallop crudo” mean just that?  That the thing is alive when you chomp it up in your mouth?  My vegan BFF would not approve.

Speaking of not approving, I don’t know exactly what it is that FugTaser has against Moonie, but while the Reverend is talking, Fuggie is making the most awful stinkfaces…

I mean, worse than usual

The Masters leave and they begin with Moonie’s dish, which NerdMosexual says has a “stunning presentation”.  That thing covering the casserole dish is called a “lid” and lots of kitchenwares have them.  He goes on to gush that it’s “true artistry on the plate”.  Bayleafs says the oyster was perfectly cooked and the dish had total clarity.

For Sussudio’s dish, Gail Not-So-Slimmons says the black bean sauce is amazing, and I notice that tonight’s blousetastrophe is brought to us by the good people at the Century 21 Disco-Ball Corporation…

This is a fine example of how (like on teeth) gold does not automatically make everything look classier

Daddy Tom ignores her fashion atrocity and agrees, he likes the combination of the black bean and the chili sauce.  Bayleafs says it totally reminds him of being in a dim sum place, but “taken to the next level”.  I guess maybe he means the UPSTAIRS at the dim sum place?  I dunno, these cryptic critiques get annoying.

Lastly they dig into La Marquessa’s urinal cake fishdish, and at first there is total silence and chewing.  I was hoping that the sound of quiet spitting into napkins would follow, but instead we hear Gail say “Oh wow!” and Daddy Tom speaks up that the fish is cooked to perfection, and NerdMosexual agrees that it’s “spectacular tasting”.  Smirky McSmugMug speaks for the first time and says it’s “like a glimpse into a friend’s childhood!”  Oh boy, I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, if anybody ever tried to glimpse into mine, they’d find a lot of alone time, quiet crying and bitter masturbation, so maybe not so much.  In any case, it’s hard to tell for sure who Round One went to, but it almost seems like it’s La Marquessa.  Dammit.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, La Marquessa’s having drama with his foie gras ganaches almost not making it onto his plating.  In the final seconds he winds up literally running over to his slow-ass sous-chef, squeaking “Gimme that tray now!  C’mon gimme—GIMME IT NOW!” while grabbing it out of the guy’s hands, running back over and throwing these mottled hockey pucks of duck liver onto the plates in the nick of time…

dammit again!

When they arrive back at the table and the diners get a good look at Sussudio’s dish, Gail actually says “What the…??!?!” and NerdMo’ exclaims “It’s SO punk rock!”, which, coming out of his mouth makes it decidedly NOT punk rock.  Anyhow, here’s what they’re talking about…

this looks more like J-Pop than punk rock

He talks about his first wife trying sushi for the first time as the inspiration for the dish, and I was waiting to see if he was going to try and pull a Danny Gokey and try to work her tragic death into the story somehow, but he’s too classy to try that kind of shameless ploy for sympathy votes.  I suspect it’s because he believes the food says it all for him.

Naturally, this means La Marquessa trots out his whole “I cooked Christmas Dinner aw by my sewf!” story…

…and then presents yet another dish with a great big appetizing skidmark

Mmmmm, just what I always wanted for lunch!  A representation of one of the Charmin Bear’s asses!  Let’s move on to Reverend Moonie’s bacon’n’eggs’n’cheese’n’shrooms dish…

NOOOOOOOO, NOT GNOOOOOOOOOCHIIIIIIIIII!

As I feared, Gail immediately asks out loud if anyone else’s gnocchi is underdone, and Daddy Tom’s one word answer to that question is “Chewy.”  FugTaser says he loves the idea of the dish, but the execution suffered.  He also complains that the pork belly hasn’t been braised long enough.  YouBear KellAir steps up to defend Moonie, saying that when you keep the dish so simple the risks are so much higher, and he believes Moonie pulled it off pretty well.

Back in the kitchen, Moonie’s young sous chef is copping a quick feel on his ass…

“I wuv you daddy.”

KIDDING, it wasn’t a caress, he gave him a butt-smack.  For what reason, I don’t know, it’s still butt-touching, but whatever, straight guys do that kind of stuff.  I’m jealous they get away with it, because every time I try it, my fat ass winds up running for my life from an angry mob.  Um, let’s head back to the dining room to see them trying out La Marquessa’s “foie gras ganache” that looks suspiciously like a Banquet Mini-Turkey Pot Pie.

Daddy Tom says that creepy looking disc is “genius”, and you can hear just a hint of breathy arousal in NerdMosexual’s voice as he swoons “Ooooh, it explodes in the most fantastic way!”  FugTaser wants to know how La Marquessa made this thing, and Bayleafs echoes that.  Triple dammit.  I’m starting to get a very bad feeling about this.

They move on to Sussudio’s weird pincushiony dish thingies.  YouBear wishes the tuna had been sliced a little thinner (I guess he means on the big red brainlike mass with the crispy strips sticking out of it).  Smirky says the broth was extraordinary, but he’d be happy to go back and have more of the bream fish all by itself.  Daddy Tom says that Sussudio is known for his precision work, and he’s just not seeing it in this dish.  Boo, Daddy Tom.  I’d rather have a big red pincushion to eat than a fake pot pie that tastes like bird organs.  Unfortunately, when the wait staff comes to clear the plates, it seems as though most people haven’t touched their tuna pockets.

doesn’t anyone want a to-go box?

Ah well, can’t win ‘em all, I guess.  It’s time for the final dishes of the season, starting with La Marquessa who’s still blabbing about how his wish… no, his responsibili—nay, his MISSION is to bring African cuisine to the attention of the rest of the world, and did he forget to mention ORPHANED TUBERCULOSIS DEAD MOTHER WIFE VILLAGE SISTER POVERTY DAILY WATER QUEST ????

I would have taken the opportunity to point out that his entire menu is BEIGE

I guess the Masters are beyond color-critiquing.  OH well, at least Sussudio has a warm-hearted story about taking his family to Thailand to experience Asian culture, which ties in nicely with his dish…

and it’s crispy Saturn-rings

Then I thought I heard him say something about “penis sauce”, which seemed rather unexpected to find as part of a fine dining dish (and here I thought we only got the chef’s penis sauce in our dish if we complained about his food) but I just misheard Sussudio’s pronunciation of the phrase “PEANUT sauce”.  Silly me.  I still like penis sauce, though.  Oh, and also, he just called it “poo-lenta”, LOL!

Reverend Moonie makes sure to point out the fact that he has NOT made seafood for the final dish of the final challenge of the season, which seems kinda stupid when you consider that that’s what he’s really good at, but instead, he went the meat route to prove his versatility…

I know, that was a totally stupid move, wasn’t it?

They begin with Sussudio’s penis-sauce and poo-lenta.  Bayleafs fairly crows, “Ohhhhh, wait ‘til you taste THAT!  It’s SO good!”  He says he’s in love with the flavors and has actually had the Chiang-Mai sausage in Chiang-Mai, “He NAILED it!”  Daddy Tom loved both the sauces and the story he told.  Smirky’s being surprisingly cordial and non-douchebaggish (perhaps he read TVGasm in the interim?) and genially says it’s his favorite dish of the day.

Next they dig into La Marquessa’s dish, and immediately Bayleafs clocks it as being “a bit ODD in it’s texture”…

Daddy Tom (and his fancy pinky) agrees

NerdMo’ says it’s falling apart on the plate a little more than he wanted it to.  Once again, YouBear plays Asshole’s Advocate and says the pickled cauliflower gives it a nice bit of texture.  Gaily also likes the brininess of the sauce and calls it “beautiful”.  Bayleafs maintains that it was not the strongest dish La Marquessa put forth, but he admits it could be that he doesn’t understand this type of cuisine.

As for Reverend Moonie’s big beefy venison gamble, YouBear says it’s a perfect dish and he loves it.  Gail says the pear butter is “insane”, and Daddy Tom’s liking how the spiciness of the pears echoes the natural spiciness of the matsutake mushrooms.  Bayleafs reads my mind and says he didn’t expect this kind of a dish from Moonie at this stage of the competition, but admires his willingness to stretch beyond the safety of what he knows.  Smirky says it’s like Moonie’s cheating on himself, “It’s like a baseball player playing basketball or something during baseball season!”…

NerdMo’ does like I do and pretends to understand a sports reference…

…which is a lot like straight white guys trying to dance

Tonight’s vignette is interesting in that it’s about how much Sussudio and Reverend Moonie respect and enjoy working with each other.  I find it intriguing that nobody mentions anything about how much fun it is to lend La Marquessa ingredients (or money) so he can finish his dishes.

Final Critics’ Table:  Starting with Reverend Moonie, FugTaser says his first course was one of the best oyster preparations he’s ever had, and NerdMo’s happy he didn’t overprepare the fish.  However, he’s quick to mention that during the second course there was some grumbling around the table about his chewy gnocchi.  Moonie says he thought they would have been too mushy if he’d gone for that pillowy texture.  Fuggie makes sure to tell him the pork belly didn’t deliver on the bacony flavor they were promised, either.  Gail tries to make him feel better by saying how much she enjoyed the poached egg.  Um, I think that’s kinda like saying “Your steak was tough as shoe leather, but I really enjoyed the freshness of the parsley!”

As far as his third course, NerdMo loves how restrained and minimalist his venison dish was.  Then Fuggie gets all up in his face about how Moonie’s always running off at the mouth about sustainability and environmental concerns, how did he feel about using a New Zealand venison that “required it coming on a plane” and how that wasn’t the most environmentally friendly way for it to arrive.  Fuggie said in his Bravo blog that he’s glad they didn’t show the huge blowup that happened “when I lost my temper in a red-faced, eye-bulging, vein-swelling rage” over this issue.  Moonie just said he’s not a treehugger and this is a cooking competition.  I think FugTaser’s just being a dick.  Just because environmentalism and sustainability is a big deal to Moonie, does that mean he is never allowed to cook anything extravagant outside of that box?

we can’t ALL use a recycled haircut that went out of fashion in the 70’s like FugTaser does

As for Sussudio, NerdMosexual says his first course transported them to the ladyboy district of Hong Kong dim sum restaurant he ate at with his dad, and Gail loved the striking presentation and the sweet texture of the black bean sauce.  FugTaser likes how Sussudio painted a zen symbol in squid ink on the scallop shell, and he loved the sea bream in the second course, but says his big tuna’n’wasabi pod was “a bit unwieldy”.  Gail agrees, it pulled the plate off balance, and Sussudio admits it could have been a tad smaller.  She does love his third course, the flavorful lamb, the spicy sausage, but NerdMo’ thinks the poo-lenta was “a bit of a weak spot” and wants to know how Sussudio felt about it.  “I was thinking about somesing else, what did you say?” he jokes, and everybody cracks up…

I especially enjoyed Bok Choi and NerdMo’s matching blowjobfaces!

Lastly, La Marquessa gets ego-stroking from Gail who says his first course wowed her and calls the sweet shellfish broth “genius” and FugTaser sounds about ready to jerk him off while telling him how perfectly the fish was cooked.  Gail continues the verbal masturbation for his second course by splooging all over about how moist and tasty his duck was, and how the “flan” (she means the foie gras pot pie) just BLEW. HER. AWAY.  FugTaser wants to know how he made those, and of course La Marquessa launches into a windy explanation that left my head bonking into the desk here.

For his third course, however, the love pales somewhat… even though FugTaser compliments him on the story behind the dish and the techniques he used to produce it, NerdMo says the texture of the fish was a tad too crumbly for his taste.  La Marquessa says it’s supposed to be that way and the first time you try it you’ll think it’s weird, but by the fifth or sixth time you’ll love it.  I guess that’s his way of saying “It’s an acquired taste.”…

Moonie looks as if he believes it as much as I do

And that’s it, time for final deliberations, and while we’re waiting, there’s finally another Viewer Poll…

and for once I don’t think there were a bunch of dolts sitting around voting like this

because they got the results right on the money!

The first Master to receive his star-ratings is… Sussudio!   DAMMIT!  That definitely means there’s no way he’s winning.  He gets 4½ stars from FugTaser and NerdMosexual, and only 4 from Gail and the diners, leaving him with 17…

and I’m pretty sure the moment they called him first he knew he had lost, too

La Marquessa is next and gets 4½ stars from Gail, only 4 from NerdMosexual and the diners, and my hopes for him going home were raised… right up until FugTaser fucked everything up and gave him FIVE FUCKING STARS.  This gives him 17½ stars and sends Sussudio home…

asshole

After Bok Choi tells him he is NOT Top Chef Master and to go pack his knives, we get a final sound bite in which Sussudio says “I very proud of myself dat, you know, I give my very bess in dis Top Chef Master BUT I’m a human being, and if I say ‘Hey, no problem, you know, nex day move on’ I bullshitting to you!”  Sorry Sussudio, at least America thinks you should have won.

Reverend Moonie is our only hope now, and after NerdMosexual gives an uncomfortably intimate recounting of his culinary talents (culiminating with an awkward marriage proposal… ew) he gives him 5 stars.  Is there hope that he’ll pull it out?  Well, he only gets 4 stars from Gail and FugTaser… and the diners, leaving him with only 17.  La Marquessa is the winner and the new Top Chef Master…

fuuuuuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeeeeeee

Oh well, at least $100,000.00 will go to helping people like his poor sister get clean water, so that’s a good thing.  It still won’t stop me from doing THIS one last time…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I don’t feel bad about dragifying him, especially since his last little statement is “People all over the world will celebrate this with me, I guarantee you!”  Like he’s just won some kind of important court case.  Bleh, I’m through.

What did you think of this episode and this season?  Did the right chef win?  Or do you think that Sussudio got robbed?  Were you as touched as I was by his story of his wife’s death?  And do you think FugTaser’s anger over Moonie’s alleged venison flight is what cost him the title?  Are you ready to get back to the regular Top Chef?

Me too!  The new season starts in Washington D.C. this Wednesday, and it looks to be chock full o’ attitudes!  I can’t wait.  In the meantime, I also stopped by YouBear Kellair’s restaurant at Mandalay Bay in Vegas…

where I thought about paying $65 for lunch for about 3 whole seconds

And eventually we made our way to ChicleTeeth’s restaurant Border Grille…

where we see she’s not trying TOO hard to cash in on her time on the show

I had some lovely green corn tamales and a very tasty quesadilla, while my BFF dined on their vegan tacos (and truly enjoyed them) but I must warn you, the place is PRICEY.  Still, we had a lovely view of all the fat people lounging on inflatable tubes in the Bay’s Lazy River flowing by the restaurant’s patio, so it was fun all around.

I want to say thanks to everybody for sticking with me on this one, I know this show is a little weird (it’s like Alternate Universe Top Chef!) but we’ll be back in familiar territory soon!

Love,  J-Mo