Top Chef Masters: It’s All Greek To Me

Hello, everybody! First of all, I must preface this by saying that it is a privilege and an honor to be filling in for J-Mo, who is out this week. Well, trying to fill in atleast! They are certainly some big shoes to fill! Like size 14 basketball player’s shoes! I’m nowhere near as talented with the screen grabs and special effects, but I love all of the cheftestants’ nicknames, and will do my best to make J-Mo proud. So, here goes!

Last night’s episode of Top Chef Masters was surprisingly entertaining, considering that it was perhaps the cheapest-produced episode of the season. Unlike previous episodes which have featured the cast of Modern Family, actor Mekhi Phifer, and The Simpsons collaborators Matt Groening and Hank Azaria, neither the QuickFire Challenge nor the Elimination Challenge featured guest judges of any kind! (I guess when the J-Mo’s away, the mice won’t play!)

The episode opens with Waxie waxing on about what an honor it is to be in the final five, and Reverend Moonie mooning over the fact that he was in the bottom of last week’s challenge, so he really needs to step up his game.

Don’t pout for me, Argentina!

The QuickFire found our fearless final five chefs putting their palates to the test in a taste testing challenge called Identify That Ingredient. What?! No cooking involved? Yawn! Why they picked this challenge for an odd number of cheftestants is beyond me! They should have paired it with last week’s Tailgating Challenge, (when there were an even number of chefs) since both are about opposing forces facing off. And they should have saved Olympic swimmer Jason Lezak as Guest Judge for this week, since the Olympics would have been keeping with the whole Greek theme of the Elimination Challenge! (Note to the show’s producers: try hiring someone more intelligent … like me!)

For once, BokChoi doesn’t inform the chefs that this is one of the most “popular” QuickFire challenges from Top Chef. Ha! No kidding. Maybe because the taste testing challenge USED to be cool, when they were blindfolded and actually had to identify ingredients. Now the challenge is based on lame bravado, one-upmanship, and consists of only three sauces! And I swear they have used Thai green curry before!

You and me. Mano y mano!

Because of the odd number of chefs, they draw saucepans to see who gets an automatic pass to the next round, and Waxie wins, much to ChicleTeeth’s dismay. First up are Sussudio and La Marquessa. La Marquessa brags that he has an impeccable palate because he doesn’t smoke or drink and because he can walk on water. They have 15 seconds to taste the Blended Chasseur, which looks like baby diarrhea, and then identify as many ingredients as they can. Sussudio only samples the sauce twice, and thinks La Marquessa is a fool for over-loading his taste buds. La Marquessa challenges Sussudio to name 6 ingredients, which he does, and girlfriend is PISSED!

Damnit to hell!

Smug satisfaction.

Next up are Reverend Moonie and ChicleTeeth. Moonie is worried because he has no idea what this sauce is! It tastes “beefy” and “earthy.” ChicleTeeth, no stranger to sampling beef curtains, seems better poised to take this round. Moonie challenges her to name 6 ingredients, and luckily for him, she bombs after only 3!

Sucks to be you, sweetie!

Waxie finally gets in on the action and joins Sussudio and Reverend Moonie. The sauce is Thai green curry, and they name all the easy, obvious ingredients first. But just when Waxie thought he was in, they pull him back out! He says butter, which is so obviously wrong, and BokChoi relishes the opportunity to lecture him on the traditional lack of butter in Asian cooking. “I had a piece of ginger stuck in my teeth. So I probably should have said ginger next!” he laments. No shit, Sherlock! I bet the people at the charity he is competing for were thrilled with his sportsmanship.

See no evil. Speak no evil. Taste no evil.

Sussudio and Moonie face off in the final round, and BokChoi is disgusted with the way both men voraciously attack the delicious lobster sauce. Four ingredients in though, and Sussudio gueses garlic. There’s a swell of music, a round robin of close ups, and a lot of fake tension, but alas, no garlic and Moonie wins! Moonie is happy, but honestly, how much of a victory is it, when you only won because of the stupidity of your competitors?? Anyways, Moonie banks another $5,000 for his charity, and starts to regain his lost mojo.

You two make me sick.

Luckily, things got a little saucier during a brand-spanking-new and original Elimination Challenge: Create a Dish Inspired By a Greek God. Birthday boy Waxie pulled Poseidon and got him confused with King Triton from The Little Mermaid. ChicleTeeth pulled Aphrodite (Go figure! The only goddess goes to the only female chef left standing. Lucky lez!) The soft-spoken La Marquessa ironically picked Ares, the god of war. Reverend Moonie got Hades, and immediately adopted this hilariously sinister cackle. Sussudio pulled Dionysus, and in typical fashion, had no clue what was going on and was unable to pronounce the name correctly. “Die-oh-ni-sus!” BokChoi barks angrily at him. “When I see the long writing, I think what the hell is that?” Sussudio whines in interview. “It look like a en-psycho-pedia!” As usual, Sussudio then complains that this challenge is unfair because it is outside the realm of his culture. Oh, give me a break! He always says that, and then he always hits it out of the park with something amazing.

Not surprisingly, fish expert Moonie wishes he had pulled Poseidon, and there’s a mad dash by everyone to get to the seafood counter. La Marquessa tears up the escalator like he’s Jackie Joyner Kersee and starts ordering sea scallops. “No, I want sea scallops!” Waxie whines like a petulant, little girl. La Marquessa then orders oysters, and I’m thinking, what the hell does seafood have to do with Ares, god of war? She explains that in times of war, they had to cook on the sly, so she plans on curing beef, salmon, and scallops for his dish. WTF?!

Meanwhile, ChicleTeeth is loving this challenge. She says it gives her the opportunity to be fun and playful, and it looks like she drops some ecstasy in the bread aisle and goes to town. She’s making a coconut jam, which will be “creamy and silky and sexual” and loaded with eggs. Um, why does this uber dyke have to make everything about hot, nasty girl parts??

Someone’s feeling a little yeast-y…

Sussidio checks out of Whole Foods and still has no clue what the challenge is about. You picked the god of wine, stupid! Marinate some meat in red wine, garnish with grapes, and call it a day! ChicleTeeth is hard at work on her orgasmic “love custard.” Vomit. Moonie is wisely making a dish for Hades based on root vegetables. He says the plan for his dish is “diabolical” and he is really loving the roleplay. Maybe loving it a little too much? His devilish cackle starts to totally throw Waxie and ChicleTeeth off their game!

Not even’s Moonie’s voodoo can turn her straight!

La Marquessa starts telling some backstory about his wife, which is often the kiss of death on these shows, signaling that they might be going home to see their spouse very soon! Then Waxie says it’s his 59th birthday, and he really misses his family, too! Ruh roh! Would the producers really be so cruel as to send him home on his birthday? Or would it be a “reward” to see his wife and daughters again? Hmm.

The next day the chefs return to the kitchen, where BokChoi is waiting, and they all fear an impending “twist.” Thankfully, it is simply a French Alps-shaped birthday cake for resident grumpy gus Waxie, who is genuinely touched.

We’re only giving you a cake cuz this episode is light on material.

As everyone preps for the challenge, La Marquessa starts to bitch about her back and how difficult it was to get out of bed that morning. Um, I’m sorry, did you pull a muscle with that pathetic sprint through Whole Foods? What is this BS sports injury about? Methinks the lady realized her dish sucks and doth protest too much. He tells another backstory about his father, and now I am convinced he is going home.

At the cooking event, ChicleTeeth puts a flower in her hair in honor of Aphrodite. “You look like Aphrodite!” Waxie tells her. WTF?! Is he fat AND blind?? “I’m always in that sexual, sensual mode! You know that!” she tells him, and he looks like he wants to vomit as much as I do.

You’re shittin’ me, right?

50 random guests descend on the chefs like vultures. ChicleTeeth tells everyone to grab a drink and get aroused. Sussudio is so uptight that a guest tells him to relax and Sussudio replies, “You’re wrong!”

Thanks to a little divine intervention, Gail Not-So-Slimmins stepped in to replace NerdMosexual on the Judges’ Panel. They start with Sussudio (Dionysus) who cooked roasted pork loin in Chinese wine. Not surprising, he did a technically perfect dish that was by the book, with a just a hint of his own style. FugTaser doesn’t like his warm olives, though.

LaMarquessa (Ares) did a bizarre dish of cured beef and salmon because it required very little heat to cook. The judges seem to like the combination of flavors, but Gail still calls it a little “muddy.”

ChicleTeeth (Aphrodite) has now gone off the deep end and thinks she IS Aphrodite, and promises love, sex, and beauty with her dish: toast, jam, butter, and a fried egg. Hmm, it sounded more involved before. Now it looks like she’s a short order cook at Denny. Gail is so obsessed with the coconut jam she wants to stick her fingers in it at all hours of the day and night and perhaps spread it on a loved one. Whoa! TMI!

Reverend Moonie (Hades) serves up a delicious, earthy crusted swordfish with crimson potatoes and other root vegetables. Grandma Gael laughs heartily when Moonie says, “If you don’t like, you can go to hell!”

Waxie (Poseidon) is overwhelmed by the number of guests, and as always, his dish suffers when it comes to presentation. He serves the judges some sloppy, over-seasoned scallops, and I am super worried he is going home!

At the Judges’ Table, Sussudio is praised for his risk-taking, and Waxie is reprimanded for his sloppiness. As always, La Marquessa had good flavors, but too much was going on. Reverend Moonie is told his swordfish was a little dry, and FugTaser questions ChicleTeeth’s bravery for simply making a sandwich.

I was pretty sure I knew who was going home … and then was shocked by the final scores! Moonie and LaMarquessa had the top scores, and cutie-pa-tootie Moonie walked away with the top score of 18. He was so shocked and touched that he literally had to wipe away a tear! Sussudio is in the bottom, but maintains a respectable score. ChicleTeeth gets abysmal scores from the judges, and Waxie just barely eeks her out. Her positive attitude on the way out though certainly gives her the last laugh!

Peace out, bitches!