Top Chef Masters: Most Improv’d

Hello, Gasmii! Thank you to everyone who read my recap last week and left such positive comments. It was a pleasure filling in for J-Mo … and an honor to hear from J-Mo himself that my recap had him heartily laughing his ass off. With J-Mo still on vacay (he’s hittin’ the Las Vegas strip, and hittin’ it HARD!) I humbly submit another week’s recap for your humorous consumption!

Last night’s episode of Top Chef Masters was the last round before the finale. It was all about “improv” and learning to think quickly on your toes. And boy, did the show’s producers do their damn hardest to keep viewers on their toes … and the edge of their seats! None of the final fab four were ever safe, and just when you thought you knew how it would all shake down, the rug got completely pulled out from under you!

BokChoi announces that this is the last round before the finale! One chef will be eliminated, and three will move on. As far as I’m concerned, Moonie and Sussudio are shoe-ins, so it really comes down to Waxie and La Marquessa.

Nice product placement.

The QuickFire was super tricky. First, the chefs were asked to pair up, so Waxie and La Marquessa teamed up against Moonie and Sussudio. Waxie foolishly says in interview that he loves pairing off because he’s all about collaberation. Um, who said this was going to be a collaberation, silly? You think they’re gonna let you work together on your own recipe? Hell to the no! This is the penultimate episode! It’s every chef for himself! Then the chefs are told they have to pick a recipe from each other’s cookbooks and bring their competitor’s dish to life. La Marquessa bitches that she has never won a QuickFire before, so she really wants this win. And as usual, Sussudio is lost in translation and wishes that Moonie’s book had pictures.

Sussudio’s sweatin’ balls cuz he can’t read books that don’t have pictures.

And as if that task wasn’t daunting enough, BokChoi threw them a huge curveball halfway through and said that they suddenly had to stop cooking and instead improvise a soup that maintains the same integrity of their original dish. TWIST!!

Somebody REALLY loves this soup challenge!

The chefs all grumble about having to switch gears, but they manage to roll with the punches. Waxie goes Thai, Sussudio goes Tunisian, La Marquessa goes Mexican, and Moonie sticks with his comfort zone – seafood. BokChoi informs them that NerdMosexual and his blindingly gay sweater will be judging the QuickFire.

NerdMosexual found the perfect shade of lip gloss to match his hot pink cardigan.

Moonie cringes at the sight of NerdMosexual’s attempts to be sexy.

Waxie’s up first with his Chicken Thai Curry Soup with Thai Basil. NerdMosexual says it’s “thick” and “more like a porridge than a soup.” He likes it, even though he didn’t expect it to be so mild.

La Marquessa goes next, serving up Chicken Soup with Crispy Tortilla. PinkyLee loves the mountain of tortilla strips and the lime, and says it maintains the integrity of the original dish very well.

Moonie’s up next with a Scallop, Mushroom and Pancetta Asian-style Cioppino. “It’s a tower of soup!” NerdMosexual squeals with delight. Moonie worries that he didn’t put enough broth in the bowl. PinkyLee thinks it’s subtle and the scallop was great, but agrees that it needs more broth.

Sussudio’s dish is a Tunisian fish soup. NerdMosexual thinks that the broth is delicious, but that Sussudio “held back”. It’s not quite there.

BokChoi reveals the QuickFire results. Waxie gets 3 stars and grins glumly. Moonie gets 3.5 stars and knows it’s not a winning dish. Sussudio gets 4 stars and smiles smugly like he just won. But La Marquessa eeks out with 4.5 stars, thus winning her first QuickFire. UGH! His ego’s going to be riding shotgun on the way to Whole Foods now!

Afterwards, the chefs were fooled into thinking that they were being given the night off and treated to a comedy show by The Groundlings. Moonie is relieved and LOVES improv! Sussudio is loving everything, and they’re all laughing like idiots. Apparently, no one saw the Chicago season of Top Chef, or they would have recognized that they were walking into a trap. Oh, what fools these mortals be!

You’ll never see Sussudio this chillaxed ever again.

You won’t be laughing for long, Moonie!

The stage was set … for their Elimination Challenge. The host of the show asks for colors, then emotions, then cooking ingredients. Finally, the light bulb goes on for Moonie. Then the MC takes the suggestions and creates wacky combinations that our chefs will have to cooke at Haute restaurant for the hungry Groundlings troupe. Since La Marquessa won the QuickFire, she gets to go first, and picks “Violet Passion Salmon.” Reverend Moonie got “Red Angry Bacon” even though he was jonesin’ for the fish. Sussudio chose “Chocolate Lust Peanut Butter.” And poor Waxie got stuck with “Burnt Sienna Depression Avocado.”

Who the hell called out “chartreuse?!” What a dick!

At Whole Food, La Marquessa makes a bee line for the salmon – no brainer. Moonie wants to do a spicy kimchi pork belly. Waxie gets smart and decides to play with the word “depression.” Moonie says he trained under Waxie, so he hopes it comes down to them in the end. Sussudio realizes he has to make a dessert and decides it’s time to get playful. La Marquessa can’t budget his food to save his life, so Moonie and Waxie chip in like good sports, and it’s at this point I KNOW La Marquessa is going home, cuz not only did he get first pick and it would be hilarious for him to go home, but it would be GENIUS if he somehow falls short even with an unfair advantage of a higher budget!

Nice Technicolor dream sweater, La Marquessa!

During prep, Moonie rolls his pork belly. Waxie fancies himself a culinary musician. La Marquessa can smell the finals. Sussudio shapes his chocolate crumbles like underwear. Wait – WTF?! And his butter cookie looks like a vagina?! Jeez … I’m worried where he’s gonna place that phallic-looking banana!!!

Is that a geoduck in your frying pan or are you just happy to see me?

Sussudio shows us the circumference of his wife’s vagina.

Moonie freaks out when his “little turds” (pork belly) are floating in the souvide machine because they are not fully submerged and cooking properly! Waxie goes for comfort food to get someone OUT of a depression. La Marquessa loves his salmon, but isn’t crazy about his shrimp. He says as a chef it’s important to learn how to edit, and I’m like, this coming from YOU?! Ok, maybe he learned something this season!! But alas, at the last minute, he decides to add the shrimp to his plate and again, I’m convinced he just signed his own death warrant.

Moonie goes first, and although he frets he that his pork isn’t cooked evenly enough, manages to charm the diners. Gail Not-So-Slimmins (filling in for Grandma Gael) loves the oysters. David makes a lame joke, Lisa astutely bitches that her pork wasn’t cooked thoroughly, and FugTaser wishes it was spicier.

Moonie’s dish.

Is Gail eating for two these days? She looks HUGE!

La Marquessa brags about his confit of salmon with caviar, shrimp and sake. Not-So-Slimmins and NerdMosexual love the salmon and the caviar, Edi thinks the presentation is sloppy, and Ariane thinks there’s too much going on. AS USUAL.

La Marquessa seems to have created a dish inspired by Dexter.

This chick has a violent reaction to La Marquessa’s dish.

Waxie presents his mesquite grilled chicken breast, french fries, yams, and avocado with grapefruit. Woof! What a mouthful – as usual! but atleast this time, his presentation is classy! BokChoi chirps, “Hey, I’m getting a moist section of my breast!” to which Not-So-Slimmins says, “That sounds dirty!” And the geek in the pink goes, “Heyyyy!” So white. So lame. The old fat guy says he wasn’t blown away, yet he managed to clean his plate. Hmmm. The young fat guy loves meat and potatoes, so Waxie is his guy!

Waxie’s dish.

Last but not least is Sussudio’s dessert: chocolate mouse with coriander and caramel, peanut butter mouse with chocolate crumble. Everyone loves the peanut butter and coriander. FugTaser notes that it must be good if a bunch of mouthy comedians are eating so quietly.

Sussudio’s suggestive dessert.

NerdMosexual is horrified that the cookie resembles a vageen. Edi and the fat guy think everything looks like a vagina and neither of them can get enough … vagina or the dessert!

“You so funny!”

At Judges’ Table, Moonie is praised for his layers of flavors, but his pork was noticeably undercooked. FugTaser asks La Marquessa if the word “enough” ever entered his head, and NerdMosexual agrees that it was good but he needed to edit. Everyone loved Waxie’s chicken skin, but they question if his dish was complex enough. Gail Not-So-Slimmins tells Sussudio that he was playing with very adult flavors, but FugTaser wonders if the raspberry compote was necessary.

Sussudio gets a whopping 17 stars … and in a horrifying twist, La Marquessa pulls ahead and wins the challenge with 17 1/2 stars! Both are guaranteed a place in the finale, leaving Waxie and Moonie battling it out in the bottom two. Well, Moonie got his wish; they are at the end together … but not in a good way! Waxie gets a meager 11 1/2 stars, and Moonie safely beats him with 13 1/2 stars. Obi Wan is sadly sent packing. Waxie goes out proud and doling out advice to the final three. “Make me proud!” he bellows, before disappearing out the doors…

Obi Wan gives hugs and advice on the way out.

What do you guys think? Did the judges make the right choice for the final three? Who wants cutie-patootie Moonie to win? Who wants Sussudio to go home the champ? Is anyone even rooting for La Marquessa?? Leave your comments!