Hi Gasmi! I’m so excited to be filling in for J-Mo this week while he’s off getting some much deserved rest. Any space nerds out there? I have to admit, I was a HUGE science nerd in school, and astronomy always fascinated me. And yes, I was so geeky I did have a favorite planet. So imagine how excited I was to find out that this week’s Top Chef was going to have a space challenge.
Shut up Mandy! Weren’t you booted out of here last week?
Oh yeah, I went there.
ANYWAY…….we start this episode like all others, in the Bilious Brownstone. This fine morning Moobsie is trimming up his stupid looking facial hair. Yes Gasmi, it takes a lot of effort to look that stupid.
Anyone else hoping for a slip of the razor?
Huh. Just me I guess. He tells us it’s a new day (it’s a new dawn) and he’s happy to be here. Wish I could say the same! He talks about how there’s only five of them left, and one of them will be going home. Yes, thank you Captain Moobsvious.
Meanwhile, Orangello and Miss Swan are starting their day with the refreshing taste of tobacco. Mmmmmmm….breakfast of champions! Orangello asks her if she misses her husband. Yup. She tells him they’ve never been apart for more than a couple of days. Who else thinks he’s having the time of his life right now?
Orangello take this opportunity to drop another personal tidbit on us. He tells us he was divorced last year, and they have a son together. Wait, whaaaattttt???? I thought he was waiting for his Russian mail order bride?
Awwww…..look how cute Clementine is!
Apparently her family didn’t approve of his profession, wishing he were a doctor or a lawyer instead, and so eventually that broke them up. That’s messed up if it’s true. But he’ll be okay; his passion is food. And then he goes and does it. Orangello tells us he is going to win Top Chef.
I’m pretty sure you just jinxed yourself, buddy.
They head on over to the Hiltchen, where a lovely breakfast buffet of wine awaits. Oh, and Scar’s there as well.
Your table should be ready in about twenty minutes.
She introduces the chefs to their guest judge for this quickfire challenge, Dana Cowin, editor-in-chief of Food & Wine. You can tell that Dana is really excited about this challenge because she has decided to dress as a giant grape. MassholED tells us Dana knows a lot about food and a lot about wine, and for some reason he is friends with her on Facebook. Sounds like an unfair advantage to me!
This is a recycled Quickfire. The old wine pairing challenge. Yup, nothing fancy, no extra restrictions, just choose a wine and cook something that tastes great with it.
Orangello is thrilled to be picking first, while ChesTiffany tells us this is not her strength. Uh oh, doesn’t she usually win after saying that? Miss Swan’s husband is their restaurant’s sommelier, so they are pairing food and wine all the time. Of course they are. Once everyone has chosen their wine, Scar informs them that this will be their last high stakes quickfire; the winner of the challenge will be going to London.
Everyone is really excited about that, and Moobs tells us that his wife has never been to Europe, so he’d love to be able to take her there. Well Moobs, you better get your game face on then.
The face of a weiner winner.
They’re given an hour to cook, and……..go! The requisite running around begins. Moobs tasted peppery, berries and plum in his wine, so he’ll be doing a braised pork belly. Yeah, that should be great after only an hour. Stupid Moobsie.
Orangello just loves wine and goes to vineyards a lot between his skypes to Russia. He opines that understanding wine makes you a better chef because it helps you pick up nuances of flavors. I can’t really concentrate on what he’s saying as I’m too busy watching him taste his sauce and then put the spoon back into it.
DJ Youbear would be so deezappointed.
ChesTiff tells us she’s real excited that the prize is a trip to London. Since she’s already won a trip to France, adding London as well would make for a mighty fine honeymoon.
With seven minutes left to cook, Moobsie opens his pressure cooker and finds that the pork belly is nowhere near ready; it’s not gonna happen. Rather than serve subpar belly, he actually does the smart thing (I know!) and abandons it. He grabs some quail and tries to cook it off in time for judging.
Once time runs out, ChesTiff’s station is up first.
She has opted for the ever popular Yin and Yang presentation technique.
Scar tells her that her meat is cooked beautifully as Gilberta Grape remains silent, just chewing and nodding. They move on to Moobsie’s last minute quail dish. And I must say
Cyclops has never looked so radiant. Love the lipstick! Is it Mac?
He tries to tell the judges that quail could go with white OR red wine, but Gilberta is not having any of that as she tells him that quail is really quite delicate.
I shoulda served her the raw pork belly instead.
I’m taking a wild guess here and saying that Moobsie’s wife won’t be getting to Europe anytime in the near future. Scar and Ms. Grape go to Orangello’s station next. He has made a lovely preparation of foie gras
Served in a fragrant piss sauce
Gilberta tells him it’s an interesting dish which could be good or bad, but since he thanks her, I’m guessing he’s of the opinion that it was meant as a good interesting.
Miss Swan is up next with her wild boar tenderloin
Served with smears of poop and blood, and a hearty helping of bleu cheese spooge.
Gilberta asks what the foam is, and Miss Swan has to clairfy that it is in fact bleu cheese spooge.
Shit, Miss Swan! If you won’t even swallow it, what makes you think anyone else wants that gunk in their mouths?
MassholED is last, and he decided on a simple presentation for his dish.
Beef a la poo
He tells them he wanted to do something with some good bold flavors as Gilberta chug a lugs the remainder of her wine. After all, she doesn’t want to be left with shit breath now does she?
Looks like Moobsie’s on the bottom. Gilberta tells him the quail was beautifully cooked, too bad it didn’t go well with the wine he chose. Yeah, no surprise there for him or for us. The other person in the bottom is Miss Swan. Gilberta thought the addition of the cheese spunk was an epic FAIL.
Now for the good news. She loved Orangello’s pairing, and thought the lightness of the wine worked well with the heaviness of the foie gras. She also liked ChesTiff’s Yin Yang beef. She must be a very spiritual person. And the winner of the trip to London is…..Orangello!
Poor Tiff, now she only gets to go to France on her honeymoon. Bummer.
Before she gets to the Elimination challenge, Scar tells them the stakes are higher than ever because this season they’re going international for the final challenges. They will be going to Singapore. Orangello is all tingly just thinking about it because he feels Asian inside.
I guess that explains why he’s the color of duck sauce.
Scar informs the chefs that they will be finding out about their final challenge at NASA. Miss Swan is really excited because, she tells us, when she was thirteen or fourteen she went to space camp. Uh, I hate to tell you this Miss Swan, but sitting in your living room in a spaceship made of chairs and blankets and watching the movie with your best friend, Space Camp Barbie, doesn’t quite count.
The next day they arrive at Goddard Space Flight Center to find out what the elimination challenge will entail. Daddy Tom is there waiting for them, and keeping him company is Head Food Scientist (and resident metal mouth) Vickie Kloeris. Holy crap does that lady have a shit ton of metal in her mouth. I feel sorry for her husband.
Oh, nevermind; it’s a match made in heaven.
Mrs. Jaws manages the food for the international space station, and speaking of the space station, there’s someone here who’d like to talk to the chefs.
The food here sucks, please make us something decent to eat!
What did you say?
We love the food here; can you make us more just like it?
They must make a dish that follows the guidelines for dining in space. The winning dish will be reproduced in the NASA labs, and served in space. Those astronauts should thank their lucky stars that Bloody Mandy is gone; I’m fairly certain that diarrhea in zero gravity would be an astronomical nightmare.
Daddy Tom tells them they’ll be cooking for a table of eight that will include astronauts, NASA scientists and the judges, including special guest Buzz Aldrin. How fucking cool is THAT? Considering his age, now might be a good time to bring back the pea puree.
Metalmouth gives them some guidelines for freeze dried space food. Things that don’t dry freeze well are super sweet dishes (which makes you wonder just how god awful the space ice cream is) and large pieces of food. She also tells them that astronauts have said that spicy food tastes great in orbit. I bet the aftersmell isn’t so great up there.
With that, the cheftestants head out to Whole Paycheck Market with $200 in their pockets and thirty minutes to spend it. Orangelo and MassholEd head right over to the meat counter where MassholEd decides on a rack of lamb for his protein. Wouldn’t the bones poke holes in the packaging?
I promise not to poke anything with my bone.
Good. I don’t feel like barfing today. He’s planing on fully embracing the challenge (to which the challenge replied “Ewwww”) and he’s going 100% moronic on this thing. Oh, sorry. Moroccan.
We get a glimpse of Orangello asking for boneless short ribs, while ChesTiff wants to know which of the white fish in the store is the freshest. Halibut. Miss Swan tells us that only four of them will be moving on to Singapore, and no one wants to be the one to go home. Thanks, Miss Swan! I could have never figured that one out on my own!
Orangello’s in such a hurry he almost knocks over some lady. Poor thing just wanted some eight dollar pasta, not a busted hip!
Moobsie tells us he comes from a food family. Yeah, I think your ginormous ass gave that one away. He remembers that the astronauts said they like things that are comforting, that remind them of home. So he’s going to cook food that’s warm and comforting and down to earth. Oh Moobsie, leave the clever quips top us, will ya?
Once back at the Hiltchen, the food preppage begins. We check in first with ChesTiff who starts by getting her mussels cold. Miss Swan is sure her food will freeze dry well, and Orangello wants to serve something amazing.
So naturally he turns to the rarely sampled pea puree.
Moobsie has decided to stay simple for his dish (aka BORING), and ChesTiff tells us she could eat her sauce up with a spoon. Daddy Tom saunters in for his visit and his first stop is with Orangello who starts out by telling him he’ll be making some braised short ribs.
What you talking bout Orangello?
Orangello catches Daddy’s perplexed look and laughs nervously, knowing Daddy isn’t happy about something. He asks what the look was for, but Daddy Tom refuses to answer. The one thing he does want to know is did Orangello listen to Metalmouth? What guidelines is he following in his preparation of this meal? Well, he’s trying to cut back on the sugar.
Four pounds instead of five should be good, right?
Tom moves along to Miss Swan next and she immediately tells him that she been into space her whole life. Daddy says that’s either really cool or really nerdy. Hey! Nerdy can be cool too, right?
He wonders if Miss Swan thought she would get this far in the competition.
Oh you silly, silly man!
Next is MassholEd, who informs Daddy Tom he is going to the Middle East with a duo of lamb and a cous cous croquette. Daddy didn’t notice many Middle Eastern astronauts in the two that were shown on screen at NASA. I never knew you actually had to be Middle Eastern to enjoy their cuisine. No more cous cous for you!
ChesTiff tells Daddy Tom she’ll be making a halibut with a red curry sauce, and he wonders if this is the type of food she normally cooks. She does enjoy eating it, and she cooks it at the restaurant as well. Okay then, carry on. He does add that’s she’s been coming out really strong lately, and she attributes this to her amping up the flavors in her food.
Moobsie is last and he’s a little nervous. He details his dish for Tom and Daddy wonders why he went in that direction.
Don’t hurt yourself, Moobsie.
He tells Daddy he listened to what they said about liking comfort foods. Yeah, that’s why. And now that he’s made the cheftestants collectively poop their pants, Daddy Tom is out.
Hey. Did you know that winning this challenge would guarantee a spot in the top four? Uh huh, it’s true. I’m so glad Moobsie was around to tell us that, aren’t you?
And then……something bad happens. As they’re all running around doing their last minute prep and packing up of food, Miss Swan calls over to ChesTiff to let her know her mussels are frozen.
Beaumont, we have a problem.
Hey, at least she replaced Houston, right? Later that night she tells MassholEd that she threw the mussels away. Smart move. He tells her all she has to do is cook food that tastes really good. So helpful, isn’t he. Meanwhile Moobsie tells us he knows he’s a really good cook
And a snazzy dresser too! Just look at that artfully turned up collar!
The studded cuff is a keeper too. He’s a fighter, he’s resilient; it’s probably something he got from his mom. He uses this opportunity to tell us about how his mom died six years ago. Ugh. Shut up about your dead mom. Jennifer Love Hewitt called. She said your mom told her she can’t move on until you stop being such a whiny McBitchTits. Poor MoobsMom’s gonna be in purgatory forever.
They come downstairs in the morning and a note has been left for them on the counter.
There’s a car waiting outside to bring them to the challenge and the winner of said challenge will get to keep the car.
Of course they’re all excited about this, and run outside to take a look. After some nifty product placement, they drive off with Miss Swan telling Orangello to be careful with her new car. Yeah, that’ll happen.
They arrive at the International Trade Center (I guess NASA only has labs, not actual kitchens), and begin their prep for service. They have one hour to cook. We see a lot of running around as they cook off their food, and Miss Swan tells us she thinks the final four will be herself, Orangello, ChesTiff, and Moobs. Wow, no love for MassholEd, huh?
ChesTiff is trying to salvage her sauce by cooking it off in a different way, sans mussels. She tells us she has come a long way. In tenth grade she worked at the IHOP where she was told ladies can not be in the kitchen. WTF? Sexist pancake pigs. She decided to work harder than everyone else and sure enough, she made it to the kitchen after all.
Sausagefest my ASS.
Orangello wants the Toyota, to be honest witchoo. Gesundheit! As he’s cooking his meat, he realizes it’s too sweet. He’s gonna have to find a way to cut down on the sweetness if he wants his food to make it to the space station.
As the cheftestants run around finishing up their dishes and plating them, the guests and judges have arrived and begin to take their seats.
Buzz is already getting in a little action with Scar.
There’s a photo of him walking on the moon, and Daddy Tom wonders how that felt. Magnificent, Buzz replies, hoping to impress Scar.
Miss Swan is up first, but before we get to her food, Scar need to introduce to her (and us) the judges and diners for this evening. We have Anthony Bourdain (YAY!!), Buzz (who keeps giving Miss Swan the thumbs up, so I guess he’s hedging his bets for the night), astronaut Sandra Magnus, Metalmouth, astronaut Leland Melvin, and of course Daddy Tom and Le Ripert (YAY x2!!).
So let’s get down to Miss Swan’s did, shall we? She’s serving a pan roasted halibut
Swimming in a pool of semen.
Daddy Tom thinks it’s really well done, and the fish is nicely cooked. Buzz mumbles something, and Scar asks him what the first thing he ate in space was. “You don’t want me to say Tang, do you?”
“Hahahaha! Did he say pootang?”
No, Daddy Tom. He said Tang.
Metalmouth objects to the amount of semen on the plate, saying you couldn’t possibly freeze dry that much extraneous spunk. Daddy thinks if they can put a man on the moon, surely they can freeze dry splooge. Astronaut Sandy says that in space they miss the texture of crunchy, and she loves that the artichokes in Miss Swan’s dish had some crunch to them.
MassholEd is up next with his rack of lamb
And deep fried cooze cooze ball.
Is it just me or does it seem like MassholEd is a little obsessed with balls? Astronaut Sandy points out that it’s not easy to get rid of a bone in space. Just flash a pic of Metalmouth on the monitor, that should do the trick.
Daddy thinks the dish is really tasty, but Le Ripert says ze deesh eez tu compleecayted forrrr heem. Eeez tu miny texzturs and flayvurrrs. Bourdain is disappointed with The Ripper; he’s been to Morocco, and he thinks MassholEd nailed it.
Kevin’s turn. He is serving a NY strip
In a ring of poo, and topped with deep fried arseholes.
Bourdain wonders what the cutlery is like in space, and AstroSandy is our helper again as she says spoons are very important. Buzz tells her he still has his from Apollo 11.
Wanna come back to my place later and see my spoon?
AstroSandy ignores him as only a woman who has been cooped up with a bunch of guys in a rocket ship for months at a time can. Daddy Tom thinks the meat is well cooked and well seasoned, but Metalmouth tells them that it is damn near impossible to serve crispy bungholes in space.
And lord knows, I’ve tried.
AstroSandy thinks it would be a challenge, but she’d LOVE to eat it in space. AstroSandy is a little kinky! Scar wonders how long AstroSandy was up in space. Four and a half months. But that’s nothing compared to a cosmonaut from the Soviet Union, she tells them. He was up there for a year; when he went up it was the Soviet Union, when he came back it was Russia. Bourdain thinks that sounds like a sitcom.
ChesTiff tells us she has done the best that she has done the best she can under the circumstances. If she were to change anything, it would be to have the mussels on the plate.
Le Ripert eez nut tu eggcited about de sheetockey miguzt wis zee rice and caucaunut zauce and den eevan de pea shoot, he doan see ze connecion of evryting coming togezer tu elevate zee alibutt.
Le Ripert, doan squeeze zee alibutt!
Bourdain must be drunk because he thinks the fish sauce is singing to him. Oh no! She didn’t put Ariel in that fish sauce did she?
Metalmouth tells Scar that she has a long list of everything the crew wants in space, and Leland finally speaks up saying they brought up ice cream the last time and the crew didn’t even share. Probably because you can get your ass to Baskin Robbins anytime Leland!
Orangello’s the last to present his dish, and it looks like he used that time wisely
adding lots of freeze dried boogers as a topping to his braised short rib.
Buzz thinks it’s very tasty and he was very surprised when he got to the pickled mushroom. Daddy Tom doesn’t like boogers and he didn’t appreciate them on his plate. Other than that, it thinks the dish is very successful. Le Ripert sinks zat eet eez a tiny beet too asseedic forrrr eeem.
Bourdain continues to give Le Ripert shit, saying he is shocked by his dark, cynical, and stark world view. He happens to think the dish is very sophisticated and he thinks it might be very adaptable to an extraterrestrial situation.
Back in the kitchen, Orangello is very emotional because he feels like he just put his heart on the plate. Well, there are worse parts of himself that he could have put there, right? He’s worried about his dish, but it’s a little late for that now.
Time for judges table. Since there are only five of them, they will all appear before the judges. Daddy starts out with some positive reinforcement, saying they all did a really good job today.
MassholEd doesn’t know if astronauts often dream of going to Morocco, but it’s something different for them. Bourdain says there was a lot on that plate that could go wrong, and having traveled in that part of the world, he thinks MassholEd pulled it off.
I sink ezz tu compleecayted, no?
Scar want to know how ChesTiff cooked her fish because she couldn’t tell by having the word pan-seared in the title of the dish. ChesTiff tells her it was pan-seared. Imagine that! Daddy Tom thinks the fish was nicely cooked, but he could have done without the tomatoes since they were mealy,and the skin from the pepper was bitter. Le Ripert sinks eet needud a leetle beet of lime zhuis.
She talks about how her dish was originally supposed to have mussels in it, but they were frozen. The missing mussels don’t seem to bother anyone, but Bourdain would have liked to see a stronger fish.
Daddy Tom tells Miss Swan that her artichokes were cooked as nicely as he’s ever seen an artichoke cooked. Le Ripert wonders if she’s been to Provence. Why yes, yes she has.
They move on to Orangello and Daddy Tom tells him about his aversion to boogers. It was the only thing he thought was too sweet. Orangello tells them he took a very submissive approach in preparing his dish; he feels like he made love to the short ribs.
I was wondering what that gelatinous orange sauce was!
But man juice or not, Bourdain loved it. Le Ripert leyekt ze topeeng of zee short rrreeeb wis see zhunipurr and ze crunshenes of zee booogares.
Daddy tells Moobs his steak was perfectly cooked and the jalepeno bacon gave it a nice little kick. One thing he would have preferred would be to have had the steak cut a little thicker. Bourdain’s complaint is that he served sirloin; he thinks that that was playing it a little safe.
Moobsie defends himself, saying he wanted to give them something from home, something familiar.
I meant to be boring, so there!
And with that, they are sent back to the stew room while the judges begin their deliberations. Moobs thinks it should be interesting, and Orangello says it’s so close that it’s all subjectivity at this point. As opposed to what taste usually is? I love Orangello, but he’s not the sharpest knife in the block, is he?
Back at judges table, Scar wonders who will go to Singapore and who will be left behind. Daddy Tom really liked MassholEd’s dish, while Le Ripert’s favorite was Miss Swan’s. Bourdain liked the dish but he thinks points should be given for originality. Le Ripert agrees that Miss Swan’s wasn’t original but instead calls it a classic.
Scar really loved Orangello’s plate of food. Daddy Tom agrees but he still can’t get past the booger topping. Bourdain loved it, and Le Ripert thinks he combined flavors that were original and unexpected. Well yes, does anyone really expect tangy man juice in their food?
Daddy Tom says Moobsie really listened to what the astronauts said they want in their food. Le Ripert liked the dish, but Bourdain is still annoyed to have come all this way to be served only sirloin.
Can I at least get a boring filet?
Moving on to ChesTiff, Bourdain says he loves curry and is a slut for fish sauce. Hahahahaha! Did I hear him right? LMAO! The pea shoots killed it for Le Ripert, while Daddy Tom still hates the bitter pepper skin. He points out that all five dishes are really good; they’re splitting hairs here.
Bourdain gets the honor of announcing the winner who will not only get their food served in space, but will also be invited to watch a shuttle launch. And that person is……..Orangello! Lucky him, he also wins a copy of Bourdains latest book, and don’t forget about the car! Scar hands over the keys to his new ride.
Which Orangello starts stroking as soon as he’s alone with them.
Poor things are going to need therapy! Back at judge’s table Daddy Tom tells them what a difficult decision this was, and how he wishes they could all go to Singapore together. And then Scar tells ChesTiff to pack her knives and go. WHAT?!??! That is such fucking crap. I cannot believe that she got booted and Moobs is staying. BULLSHIT.
ChesTiff heads out and Orangello immediately pops out of his seat to hug her, thinking that she’s just been told she’s going to Singapore. He knows it’s a crock as well tha Moobs is staying over her. The other three take a moment to hug each other before heading back to give ChesTiff hugs goodbye. MassholEd tells us he will miss her. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s got the stolen panty stash to sniff in her absence.
Poor ChesTiff has that little catch thing going on with her breath while trying to tell us that she’s happy to have been a part of this. “It was just so close.”
Reason 3,452 why season seven sucks.
And there goes half of my pick for final two. What did you think Gasmi? Are you as pissed off as I am that ChesTiff was sent home? Are you stoked (or if you’re keys, stroked) that Orangello took home a double win this week? Do you think MassholEd will survive without ChesTiff’s boobs to oogle? Well, I guess if he gets desperate he can oogle Moobs.
I’ve had a great time filling in for our beloved J-Mo; I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing this recap. Next week J-Mo is back, and it looks like he’s in for a wild ride as Scar yells at Moobs and MassholEd yells at one of the guys not to fucking touch him.
In the meantime, if you’re bored feel free to visit with me over at The Spin Crowd. Don’t let the name fool ya, there’s plenty of room for all of you! Hope to see you there!