Top Chef: Ooh, Baby I Love Your Gays

What’s up, people?  Tonight there is much joy in Casa J-Mo!  After several months of living in a sad empty house because all of our children died, the BF and I are now proud new owners of two adorably rambunctious gray tiger-stripe kittens!  They are a super-cute pair of litter-mates (a boy and a girl) and I am very happy to have such zippy little furballs in our home again, even though I have tiny claw marks all over my thighs and back, and our furniture will never be the same again.  In other exciting news, GAYNOLD COMMENTED ON LAST WEEK’S RECAP!  Isn’t that fabulous?  I get such a mingled sense of pride and paranoia whenever I find out one of these Bravolebrities have found their way to the ‘Gasm and stumbled upon my bitchy little digi-scribblings.  On one hand, he seems to have a good sense of humor about himself (unlike those horrible Pageant-Mom coozes who spew their misspelled, grammar-free, ALL CAPS-LOCKED ravings all over Dear Crabby’s fabulous Toddlers & Tiaras recaps), but on the other hand, when he said he wanted to meet me, I have to wonder if it’s because he wants to disembowel me or something, because I have been pretty damned hard on him since the get-go of this season of Top Chef.  However, I discovered a picture in his photo diary tonight that clicked a few things into place for me about Miz GayNold…

this explains his obsession with moisturizing

Yes, that’s GayNold’s alter-ego “Suzy Wong”.  Do you recognize the pasty puffymouthed queen on the left?  That’s Jon “TrannyLips” Steinick from Season Three of Shear Genius (and one of our favorite stylestants)!  Who would have thought the two Power Gays in Nashville would have been buddysisters?  Do you know what this means?  Most likely that there are two angry homos in Nashville gunning for my fat ass now.  Eh, it’s all right, I say bring it ladies, I been dealing with pissed off drag queens for years, I know how to survive an assault.  I don’t wear earrings anymore and I run real fast.  If that fails, I throw mini-bottles of vodka.

Ah well, let’s start out with GayNold at the Bilious Brownstone, still excited over his win at the Butch Grilling Picnic… and that’s gotta be hurting Bobby Brown, JerseyMoobs and especially KennEgo to have to accept that a flamer with flawless skin beat them out on what is traditionally a mainly heterosexual playing field…

“Suck it, bitchezzzzz!”

“I guess the grill is my friend now!” he says.  Honestly, I thought at first he said “the girl” was his friend, but then I saw he had a clogged pore, and I knew he meant that nasty black smoky thing with the charcoal inside of it.  Meanwhile, Big-Haired Andrea’s missing her Psychic Friend™ Trucksy and is mad that so far she’s been hovering around the middle of the pack and getting almost zero face time…

“What can I do to make them notice meeeee?”

Perhaps it would help if she added more hair.

there.  now you can replace somebody on Real Housewives Of New Jersey

As OranJello leaves to go take his shower (using Dial Bodywash, natch!) we find that Bobby Brown has finally learned something of value to share with Nosferatu and ShortyPants…

they weren’t laughing a moment later when he said “It’s up his ass.”

Please, would OranJello really leave $20,000.00 lying around in a house full of people who hate him?  If he’s that dumb, then I’d say he deserves to have it stolen.  Speaking of dumb, Bobby Brown’s reflecting on the fact that he’s been Mayor of McSuckVille in two of the last three Elimination Challenges (and let’s not forget his mac & cheese was the weakest part of his group’s school lunch menu!) but he somehow thinks his terrible track record is meaningless:  “The other chefs need to know that it’s not how you start in this competition, it’s how you finish…”

what about if you start by finishing in the bottom all the time?

By the same token, he seems to have forgotten that OranJello started by, you know, winning $20,000.00.  Ah, Top Chef, your gibberishly delicious cheftestantisms make me glad I ain’t on TV.  Let’s get to today’s QuickFire challenge.

The chefs all arrive at the Hilly Hilton to find Scar wearing her tackiest housecleaning sweats…

and looking more bloated than Daddy Tom

Bobby Brown continues his streak of lightning-fast dot-connecting  as he notices a bunch of baby toys and tiny jars and says “I’m thinking, OK, they can’t have us cooking baby food.”…

nope, it’s a gang bang, first chef to impregnate Scar wins $10,000.00, she just happens to have a spelling fetish, an attraction to rubber duckies, and a thing for rolling around in smushy food during sex

That is soooo 9½ Weeks.  Anyhow, yes, Bobby, they are going to have you cooking baby food for Daddy Tom’s 8 month old son and Scar’s 2 month old daughter.  Well, actually, it’s going to start out as a dish for Daddy Tom and Scar, and as long as you guys have the innate skill to work a Blend-O-Matic…

This news immediately causes Instructor LynnBian’s bowels to knot themselves in several different ways…

or else someone came running at her holding a giant inflatable penis

I guess LynnBian isn’t one of those Mommy-wannabees (I feel you, girl) and has no idea what babies like.  We will soon see that most of her competitors have no clue, either.  Scar generously gives them 45 minutes and the use of the Top Chef Pantry… and since this just happens to be a High Stakes QuickFire, Daddy Tom and Scar will each pick a winner who will then get $10,000.00 to hide wherever they like.  Niiiiiice.

We cut to GayNold, and I was expecting him to say something about if he won he would blow the cash on a luxury spa day for himself and his thirty closest friends, but instead he mentions putting it towards a pair of orphanages in Thailand that work which HIV/AIDS-infected children.  Oh GayNold, perhaps you’re not completely shallow after all!…

if you win and I find out you went to the luxury spa instead, I’m going to turn you in to the Gaysian Drag Mafia, and they will send Miss Ongina and Miss Jujubee to give you a tuck using superglue…

Nosferatu’s desires for the money are far less altruistic, “Maybe I’ll buy myself something nice… a hooker and an 8-ball, please.”…

you’d better give the 8-ball to the hooker if you want her to go through with… well, anything

Oh, and BTW, no immunity for the winners…

and immunity is NOT irrelevant to some people

Time starts, and immediately Nosferatu’s here to lay out an obviously rehearsed joke about how he’s got no practice making baby food, just in making babies…

or, at least, making baby batter

JerseyMoobs’ wife is currently pregnant and they have other kids together, so he’s thinking this challenge is all his to win, which means that a catastrophe is most certainly on its way.

Miss Tamesha’s remembering cooking for her little brother when he was a baby, and has decided to go with a vegetable chowder, reasoning that something flavorful is good for adults, but babies need things a little more plain.  Yeah, I’d say it’s a good idea to keep the lemon zest and cayenne pepper at a minimum unless you want a truly horrifying diaper change later on.

One of our childless chefs (Miss Swan) desperately wants to prove that you don’t need to have kids in order to come up with a great baby food and win $10,000.00, so she’s making a spice-wrapped pork loin with fresh ginger and *gasp* lemon juice…

don’t worry, she’ll learn when she comes face to face with her first puddle of true babyshit yellow

Hey, is everybody having a good time so far?  Good, because KennEgo’s here to ruin that by telling us about his first wife who died in a car wreck when his daughter was only 16 months old, forcing him to have to take care of her by himself since that time.  That’s really sad, and terrible for him and his daughter, but I’m sorry, this reeks of Danny Gokey Dead Wife Syndrome™.  For one thing, it appears to have happened a very long time ago (the daughter looks to be almost grown) and secondly, he could have just simply said that he used to make his daughter’s baby food himself…

Fan Favorite, anyone?

Do I sound jaded and less-than-sympathetic?  Well, it’s because I am.  The TV landscape has become so littered with people trotting out dead relatives (American Idol is one of the worst offenders in this arena, but just about every damned reality show has someone who plays this card) and it just no longer carries much emotional impact.  In fact, we could just about take an evening of random reality TV viewing and make it a drinking game every time someone mentions the Dearly Departed in some tenuous connection to the situation at hand… “You know, standing here and trying to decide which of these two big-boobed disease-raddled sluts I want to have kinky anal sex with is reminding me of my Gramma, *snif* who died when I was three *sob* and I know she’s looking down on me from Heaven tonight *wail* and that she’s p-p-p-proud of m-m-m-meeee… (points to the sky)… buttsex with this hoe’s for you, Gram!”  *GLUG-GLUG-GLUG*

Anyhow, so KennEgo knows how to make baby food.  Or, at least he did 15 years ago when his kid was an actual baby.  As long as he can find the “Liquefy” button on the food processor, I suspect he’ll be okay.  So what’s his brilliant idea?  Panang curried chicken breast.  Cuz babies just loooove them some curry.  Then ShortyPants takes a minute to point out that the brunoised apple chunks KennEgo’s using would be too large and easy for a baby to choke on…

I guess somebody forgot about the “puréeing” step

Hey, guess who has a kid, too!

and he’s unbearably adorable to boot

Yup, OranJello’s got a cute little baby boy whom he loves educating with flavors, and once again, instead of bitching about the challenge, he’s looking at it as “an opportunity to do something cool with baby food”, so he’s making something that’s going to be layered “almost like a tiramiSOO”.

The Psychic Spirit of Trucksy was right, with two minutes left, JerseyMoobs is suddenly in big trouble.  He’s trying to plate his dish and notices there is a bunch of non-baby-friendly ground pepper all over his plates.  At first he tries to blame it on Bobby Brown who’s working next to him, but Bobby’s like, uh-uh bitch, please, that’s coming from your own jus…

“I will beat you like egg whites.”

When Scar and Daddy Tom return and time-putcha-hands-up is called, JerseyMoobs tells us there are “quite a few components missing” from his dish.  He is super upset because he was dedicating this QuickFire to his unborn baby, so he starts tossing shit around and stomps off to the kitchen to have his own tantrum…

like maybe he missed nap-time or being burped

Daddy Tom and Scar visit KennEgo first…

totally baby friendly… if your “baby” is a 32-year-old culinary school graduate

Next they try the stylings of Bobby Brown…

who cleverly serves his dish from a high-chair tray

It’s weird, when they get to JerseyMoobs’ station, Daddy Tom fetches a huge sigh while saying “What’d you make for us?” in a tired voice.  I’m sure he’s loving the fact that JerseyMoobs’ response is “A very incomplete dish.”…

but at least your baby won’t get fat from overeating

When prompted, he admits to Daddy Tom he ran out of time.  They just nod and move on to Miss Swan…

and her bid for a ticking DiaperBomb

Things seem to be going pretty well until Scar starts to do something she was never allowed to do during her married life…

spit

Clearly that lemon seed wasn’t meant to be there, but that doesn’t stop Scar from bitchily sneering “That may not be very successful in a baby’s mouth!”  Oh, puh-LEEZE Scar, you better than anyone should understand that we’ve all put something disgusting in our mouths at one time or another.

Let’s check in with Instructor LynnBian’s non-motherly offering…

heyyyy, is that a sprig of MYINT she used in her baby jar?  No fair!

She’s kinda taking the cop-out road, telling them “I’ve never tasted baby food before… and all of my kids have four legs.”  Instead of calling her out on it (how do you imagine baby food tastes??? DUH) they just laugh and move on to OranJello’s layered magic…

and his fancy-schmancy spices I’ve never heard of

Ugh, thanks OranJello, I hate having to do detailed research for this shit… (visits Wikipedia)… Fenugreek is both an herb and a spice.  There.  I’m bushed.

However, I wanted to give you guys a look at the close-up of his baby food jar, because this is just such an OranJello touch…

to show imagination in plating baby food

Daddy seems impressed with the tri-layered jar, but OranJello corrects him, saying it’s actually four layers, “There’s a little secret in the middle there.”  Unfortunately, we never find out what that secret is.

Who wants to be the one to follow such a stellar presentation?  That falls to Nosferatu…

whose hypothetical baby is also apparently on a diet

Scar looks like she heaves a little when tasting this.  Or it could just have been her getting a good look at Nosferatu himself.  Without another word they move on to Miss Tamesha…

arrrgh, matey, for yer seafarin’ babies!

Aaaaand apparently we don’t care about over a third of the cast’s QuickFire offerings today, because that’s the end of the critique!  WTF??!?!  Maybe if they didn’t cast 47 people every season they’d be able to, you know, fit everyone into an hourlong show.  In any case, because I love you guys, here are the rest of the QuickFire dishes…

Starting with ChesTiffany’s…

which looks too much like variations of poo

Then ShortyPants’…

which could be subtitled “Kitchen Sink Flavor”

Followed by MassholEd’s…

which was clearly designed by someone who hates babies

Minced after by GayNold’s…

which I’m not wanting to admit looks perfect for a designer gayby

And then Big-Haired Andrea’s

which I can’t even make fun of because it’s too boring and this explains why she’s always in the middle because none of her shit is memorable in the slightest, except maybe if the judges found a hair in it

Lastly we have Bloody Mandy’s…

which is surprisingly not doused in rum for a change

Sober babies are muy bueno.  Anyhow, can you believe they skipped six dishes?  Well, let’s see who Daddy Tom and Scar decided to diss, and who they decided to make mugging targets out of.  Daddy says he didn’t like Bobby Brown’s stuff because he overcooked his lamb, which made it fine for the baby food part, but the adult dish sucked.  Yeah, but it’s all about how you finish, right Bobby Brown?…

and you finished in the bottom… again

Also, he disliked Nosferatu’s baby food, saying it was too watery and “herbaceous” and all he could taste was dill.  Scar jumps in to say she couldn’t get over the pool of blood sitting under the duck in his dish…

This would have been acceptable if it was for Nosferatu’s kid

Additionally, she thought Miss Swan’s meat, while nicely cooked, was bland and needed far more flavor.  Oh, and maybe stop trying to choke Scar’s baby with lemon seeds, K?

As for the ones he liked, Daddy Tom says Instructor LynnBian’s was good…

and this poleaxes her as heavily as if someone just called her “dainty”

Daddy thought it was seasoned well, had great flavor, and translated beautifully into the baby food.  He also liked Miss Tamesha’s purée because it had some texture to it, it wasn’t just a jar of mush plus he was a big fan of her homemade licorice oil.

It’s Scar’s turn, and she liked surprise… OranJello’s.  Not just because it used FenuGreek, but also because his baby food looked “very elegant… it looked special!”  Of course, this is the cue for KennEgo PissyBitchFace™…

now who’s being a big baby?

He looks especially foolish to be so pouty when Scar says her other favorite dish was his…

“thatfuckingassholeAngelohatehimwishhe’d… HUHWHAT?”

Yes, she liked his use of bulgur wheat, thought it was flavorful and had just enough spice to make it interesting, but not too much for a baby to handle without yowling.

Daddy Tom decides that his favorite today is Miss Tamesha’s, and Scar picks… damn, she chose KennEgo’s dish!…

and naturally, who’s just happy to win, and who’s gotta make sure to check that someone else is UNhappy?

Yeah, more bullshit comes fairly flying out of KennEgo’s mouth, he’s saying “I wanna keep in the minds of the judges, I want them constantly saying ‘Kenny’, you know?… ‘Kenny, Kenny, Kenny’!”  Ugh, how about asshole, asshole, asshole?  Just you guys wait, though, this is gonna get goooood later on.

And that downward spiral is just about to start, because here’s the Elimination Challenge!  And you’ll have to pay attention, because it’s about to get confusing.  First, let’s meet Beth Scott, VP of “Restaurant Concepts” for Hilton & Co.  Hi Beth!  Two quick things…

hot pink and boat-neck tops?… not for you

Jeez, GayNold’s stereotypes are wearing off on me!  Anyhow, Scar says Bethie-Poo is in the market for a new “signature menu dish that’s healthy but still sophisticated”.  I guess your average Hilton patron is too good for a dinner consisting of Pringles and Yoo Hoo taken out of the vending machine down the hall from their overpriced room.  Bethie-Poo’s serious, too, cuz she says they want “easily executable quick dishes that can be served in the restaurant for the busy traveler.”  Which means Hilton Hotel restaurants have some lazy ass chefs.

Scar’s back to say they have to come up with breakfast, lunch and dinner options that accomplish that entire laundry list, and the winner will have their dish added to the menu by Hilton.  Here’s where it gets weird:  Daddy Tom says they’ll be competing tournament-style in teams of two (Ruh-roh).  All seven teams will compete in the Breakfast Round, and the Judges will choose the best two teams to be safe.  The remaining five teams will compete in the Lunch Round, and the Judges will choose two more teams to be safe.  The remaining three teams will compete in the Dinner Round and one team will be going home.  That’s right… double elimination!!!  ShortyPants is like “Damn!” and GayNold’s all “Gurrrl?” and ChesTiffany’s like “Ooooooh!” and Bloody Mandy’s just…

drunk

Adding to the chaos, now they’re being asked to choose their own teams (no knife-block for a change) which is kinda fun to watch, because everybody’s avoiding ShortyPants and Bloody Mandy, and what’s even more fun is that they totally know it, too.  They decide to form Team Rejects and vow to beat everyone.  We’ve also got Team Rainbow (GayNold & Instructor LynnBian), Team FugDudes (Nosferatu & MassholEd), Team White Girls (Big-Haired Andrea & Miss Swan), Team Black Guys (KennEgo & JerseyMoobs), Team BobbyWhitney (Bobby Brown & ChesTiffany) and Team WTF (OranJello & Miss Tamesha).

Now that they know who they’ve aligned their fates with, it’s off to Whole Paycheck Market to blow $200.00 in 30 minutes, and MassholEd is claiming that Nosferatu pretty much just pointed at him and chose him to be on a team with… he’s also clearly not very happy about it, I guess because he still thinks Nosferatu’s skills are so far below his amazing father-surpassing talents…

jeez, quit acting like you’re so much more evolved just cuz you found out you could have two eyebrows again!

Meanwhile, Team BobbyWhitney’s off to a great start because ChesTiffany’s clearly not too thrilled about being saddled with Mr. Finish In The Bottom Bobby Brown…

unless, I’m reading her SarcasmFaces™ incorrectly

She (and her giant boobs) have decided to take the lead on this one, because as we’ve already heard about 60 or 70 times this season, she ain’t going home because of some dish somebody else did, if it happens, it’s gonna be all her own fuckup.

Also spotting trouble from miles away is Team Rainbow, as Instructor LynnBian dryly notes working in a team is challenging because she’s used to being the boss, “and I don’t want to be overbearing.”…

“like my clenched jaw often is.”

Yeah, I find her reluctance to assert herself rather odd, she’s been on a team with GayNold before and seen how uppity he gets when he thinks things aren’t going the way he believes they should (something Miss Swan certainly will never forget) so it’s clear he has no problem speaking up.

Which he’s doing right now as he tells us that if he and LynnBian win this one, “that would be almost for me, like, 2.5, maybe 3 wins in a row, soooo, I don’t know what people might say… but they might think I’m more than a Louis Vuitton bag.”…

yeah, well, isn’t that better than them thinking of you as any number of other kinds of bags, such as dick, hose, douche and shit?

Oh girl, you just erased half the good will that your little orphanage comment earned you earlier!  Shut up about your fabulous luggage and just do great food, K?  Besides, I’m getting annoyed enough by KennEgo, who’s yammerbragging again, telling us all that when he became head chef at a five-star hotel right after his first wife died (*GLUG*) and at the tender age of only 23, he felt like it was the first major hurdle he overcame.  Normally when you hear something like that you’d agree with him, but then he does his usual thing of being a giant dickwad, saying “No one else has been running five-star restaurants or hotels other than myself, so as far as this challenge I feel like I have it locked up.”  Oh really?  He knows the intimate details of all 13 other chefs work histories prior to this point?  He’s so goddamned sure he’s better than everybody else I doubt he even speaks to the others in the house.  Ugh, I find that I’m becoming a fan of Team OranJello more and more.

Let’s leave Mr. AssHat behind for a few and check in with Team FugDudes.  MassholEd’s complaining because Nosferatu is insisting on making pancakes for the breakfast round, “I don’t wanna replicate something that a fast-food restaurant does, so… I’m skeptical, but I’m gonna let him do it.”…

I refuse to take anyone seriously that does facial-hair sculpting with a t-square

Upon returning to the Top Chef Hilton the cheftestants are jolted by a nasty shock…

the kitchen has been infested by assholes

Yes, that’s Spike “EvangelAss” Mendelsohn from TC Season 4 (still hoping to be a member of the long-dead Rat Pack, I see) as well as Bryan “Big Volt” Voltaggio (technically not an asshole, just related to one) and Mike “Sexist Pigshit” Isabella (who seems to have misplaced his neck somewhere).  Bethie-Poo is also there (having taken my advice and wisely changed into a much prettier blouse) and rounding out the Judges panel besides Scar and Daddy Tom we have a pair of French fries…

he’s baaaaack!

And he looks like he’s fresh from the kill.  Nice to see you again, Erique Le Rippert, it’s hard to call you a regular judge when you’ve missed fifty percent of the season so far!  Oh well, I weel look forward to ze commentz from heem.  Right now it’s time to begin their 30 minutes to cook breakfast!

The cameras are dashing about the kitchen madly as the teams scramble to get stuff done, so all we get is random comments from everywhere (my favorite is from Team Rejects, Bloody Mandy asks ShortyPants “How do you know when the Hollandaise is done?” and he answers “When it tastes really good.”  LOLOLOL).  Team Rainbow is making big hockey-pucks that Instructor LynnBian says are “tortilla papas”, which she apparently does in her CIA class every 3 weeks, so she’s in her comfort zone.  They still look like giant hockey pucks.

All of the teams are frantically trying to make the best breakfast that they can, because nobody wants to have to cook lunch or dinner, and this is where the essential backwardness of this challenge becomes apparent:  if the winning teams no longer have to cook, then that means eventually the three loser teams will be making dinner, which in turn means that the new menu item at Hilton Restaurants will be provided by a team of the worst chefs.  Did Trucksy come up with this challenge?  In any case, you’re welcome, Hilton patrons!

Hey, remember how MassholEd was gonna “let” Nosferatu make his McHotcakes?  Well, it seems that their dish got a helluva lot more “elevated” from just that simple idea, and now they have a buttload of stuff that needs to be plated at the last minute.  Of course, MassholEd claims that Nosferry’s stuck on plating things in a certain way that “doesn’t scream finesse” and then things get all fucked up and now…

their plate screams “unfinished”

Yeah, MassholEd spent so much time finessing that time was called right at the moment captured above and they didn’t get their Hollandaise sauce onto the plate, which makes Nosferatu very angry, and it’s just too fucking late to cry about it now.  Let’s have breakfast!  Starting out with Team FugDudes…

and their brokeback yolk

Bethie-Poo (who is sitting with EvangelAss) immediately raises her hand, “There’s no cake on ours!”…

Spike decides to be faux-helpful and douchily look under the plate just in case that’s where it’s hiding

Gee, did you guys know who was responsible for putting the potato cakes on the plate?  Did you know that it wasn’t Nosferatu?!?  Did you know that MassholEd now feels like a jackass?…

finally, his insides match his outsides!

Yeah, who’s allowed to call someone an unfocused slob now, shitdick?  Nosferatu’s super-pissed, that potato cake was MassholEd’s main responsibility, and they had plenty of them, there was no reason for it not to make it to the plate, except for the fact that Mister Ed is a dumbfuck.

Oh well, it’s time for Team WTF’s brefuss…

minimalist as usual

Miss Tamesha’s been to Big Volt’s restaurant, and she says she knows that the texture of her egg is exactly the way he serves them in his place.  Cut to Big Volt muttering that the egg yolk is overcooked…

sorry, girl

Let’s move on to Team Rainbow’s big clunky tortilla hockey pucks…

cleverly camouflaged by that jungle of a salad on top

Eric the Rippert says it’s actually pretty good, but Daddy Tom thinks the texture is funny.  Naturally, EvangelAss falls all over himself to make sure and agree with Daddy Tom like the toadying little buttmunch that he is.

Team Black Guys presents…

a KennEgo Production (2^nd Unit Assistance and Lackey Work by JerseyMoobs)

JerseyMoobs believes this is a really appealing breakfast dish because it has “KennEgo’s European influences” which is perfect for Hilton Hotels, since they’re “worldwide”.  We cut to Sexist Pigshit saying it’s too soft, and EvangelAss echoing that there’s no texture to it.  It looks like KennEgo’s penchant for overkill is finally coming back to bite him in his overly-generous ass, because Daddy Tom says there’s just too much going on in this dish.

Let’s see what Team Rejects came up with…

a giant mess

EvangelAss and Sexist Pigshit are orgasming over the confit of bacon, but Scar thinks it would have been better if they had cubed the pancetta and rendered the fat off slowly, whatever that means.  All’s I know is that she disagrees with Sexist and Ass, so I’m happy.

Next up is Team White Girls…

I love waffles, but I don’t care for the big phlegm-smudge on the plate

Immediately Erique says “Zee aygs hav no seezoneeng!”  Sexist Pigshit complains that the waffle is too dense, and Big Volt agrees.  French lady thinks the smoothie is a little too sweet as well.  Sounds like a FAIL to me.

Closing out our breakfast service today is Team BobbyWhitney…

more cleverly concealed hockey pucks

Actually, their plate is one of the prettier ones we’ve seen today.  Big Volt says ChesTiffany’s crab cakes are seasoned very well, so much so that Daddy Tom thinks the plate doesn’t even need the potato hash at all.

Everybody is brought back, and Scar announces that Team Rejects and Team BobbyWhitney are safe and do not have to cook any more today!…

congratulations, now no one at Hilton Hotels will ever taste your food

ShortyPants is so relieved, as is Bobby Brown, who looks ready to kiss ChesTiffany’s feet, if she wants him to…

he’s praying she doesn’t want him to because when she gets nervous her feet sweat

The other teams (Black Guys, White Girls, FugDudes, Rainbow and WTF) now have 45 minutes to cook lunch.  KennEgo’s maaaaad, “I know the flavors and cooking techniques were sound, so to have four other people go ahead of us I think is total bullshit.”…

not to mention supremely gratifying

I know, it’s just infuckingconceivable, right?  KennEgo not winning?  All of those dickheads judging must be a bunch of fucking asswipes, right?  OK, well, two of them really are, but the other six I think we can trust their opinions.  In any case, JerseyMoobs tells us they’re making a chickpea pasta for lunch, and although he suspects the sauce is a little too think, he’s naturally deferring to KennEgo’s judgment because “I think Kenny has a good idea of what the judges are looking for.”  Umm, Moobsie, honey, if that were true, would you be stuck cooking now?  I think what he really wants to say is “I’m afraid to tell KennEgo I think he’s wrong because he’s really a giant pushy know-it-all jerk and he will call me a fatass.”  Which would be sooo hypocritical, but whatever.

OranJello’s not happy about not being first out, either, in fact, he’s fuming, too.  Thankfully, he and Miss Tamesha have decided to shut up about it and make a beef carpaccio with a kim-chi vinaigrette.  This is infinitely preferable to bitching and calling things bullshit.

Team Rainbow’s trying to pull their shit together, and Instructor LynnBian says it’s going to be her concept of a tuna cannelloni on “Forbidden Rice”.  WTF is “Forbidden Rice”??  That sounds racist.  Or something.  Anyhow, GayNold’s here now and claiming his idea for lunch was a play on canned tuna salad, which is right in line with LynnBian’s tuna thing, but he’s worried it’s going to be “too quirky” for the Hilton brand…

“Quirky or not, here I come we come!”

The Lunch Round begins with Team FugDudes…

and their “Scallop Stonehenge”

Daddy Tom thinks their gnudi is good…

at least, that’s what his mouth said

Big Volt thinks that it would have had a smoother texture if they had puréed the ricotta cheese first instead of just folding it into the mix, and this is why I think he’s a good judge, because he doesn’t just sit there and say something sucks, he actually knows constructive ways to make the food better…

unlike the two boobs he’s stuck sitting between

Making their second try at winlosing now is Team WTF…

hope you’ve been recently wormed

Bethie-Poo wants to know from OranJello how this dish would “travel”.  I don’t really understand her question, does she mean would it fit in a to-go box?  I thought these dishes were supposed to be eaten in a restaurant at the hotel, so why would it need to go anywhere?  I feel stupid.  OranJello looks like he thinks it’s a pretty stupid question, too, but he gamely answers her anyhow.

Sexist Pigshit, who is clearly threatened by the mere sight of OranJello complains that he wanted some texture “something fried, like crispy shallots or something”.  On the other hand, Erique The Rippert seems to feel there are already an awful lot of onions in the dish, so maybe ixnay on the allotshay.

Let’s see if Team Rainbow quirks their way out of this round…

surprisingly phallic for a dish helmed by a lesbian!

GayNold’s just dying to be safe this round, he does not want to have the stress of putting his life on the line, “We can’t move on to dinner, it’s not even an option, I have to stay in the game!”  Yes, it’s come down to… COOK… OR… DIIIIIIE!  Drama queen…

and no, giving out half-assed bee-jays for free won’t keep you safe, either

Well, EvangelAss says he doesn’t see this as an easy dish to execute, and Bethie-Poo agrees, but Frenchy Lady says all of these various salads in the dish are refreshing, which EvangelAss also agrees with, because he’s a giant asskisser.

Time for Team Black Guys second surefire winner…

make way for delusions of perfection

Both Big Volt and Erique The Rippert theenk zee cheeken eez geteeng lost een zee paztaah but Sexist Pigshit says (with his mouth full) that he could eat hummus every day.  Maybe he has, and that’s why his neck has disappeared.

Wrapping up this Loozahs Lunch is Team White Girls…

and their Hey-it’s-better-than-Denny’s dish

Sexist Pigshit asks if they cooked the beans in their dish, and Miss Swan says no, time and budget didn’t allow it, but they wanted to add extra protein, blah blah blah.  They leave and Big Volt says their fish is overcooked, while Scar says if it was served to her at Le Bernardin (Erique’s restaurant) she would have sent it back.  Le Rippert smiles and says he never would have sent the dish out like that in the first place.  Daddy Tom is still floored that they used canned beans, claiming they didn’t have enough time to cook a bag of fresh ones…

notice how much of that fishfood is left?

They reconvene, and the two teams safe this round are Team WTF… and Team FugDudes!  OranJello’s having a gleeful little romp over the fact that KennEgo did not beat him in this round of the competition and might possibly go home…

insert a Nelson-esque “Ha-ha!” here

Thus, the final hour of cooking time for the Dinner Round begins.  Team White Girls’ Big-Haired Andrea and Miss Swan are both frustrated and bitter that they have to cook this damned dinner.  They better hope that doesn’t come through in the flavors of their dish or they can add “homebound” to that list of adjectives.

Also being a Bitter Betty is KennEgo, “We have no idea why we– we didn’t pass.  I know that I’m hitting flavor, texture, temperature at the highest level!… I’m so pissed off right now, I’m just ready to get it done!”…

maybe you should have told them your uplifting dead wife story? (*GLUG*)

girl, trust, I know.

Obviously he’s not hitting all of those things as well as he thinks he is, or he’d be back to glaring at OranJello in the stew room right now.  Oh well, lastly, we have a somewhat muted Team Rainbow, where GayNold is realizing that the two of them having to cook dinner actually is an option after all, and I guess Miss LynnBian is pretty pissed off about it as well.  GayNold’s puzzled why she’s so upset and wants her to just let go and move on…

perhaps it would be smarter to just let the lesbian be angry for a bit, lest she strangle you with that black pasta she’s making

Big-Haired Andrea is starting to have a case of the fuck-me-sidewaysies when she notices that KennEgo and JerseyMoobs are doing the same entrée that she and Miss Swan are doing:  short ribs.  JerseyMoobs notices this, too, and automatically believes theirs are going to be better tasting than the ladies’…

“Because all of my predictions have come true this episode, right?”

Suddenly there is Oven Drama™!  LynnBian preheated an oven for her focaccia bread, and for whatever reason JerseyMoobs turned it down to 200, so when she comes back to make her toast it’s not hot enough.  By grim force-of-will she does not murder him, but she’s clearly angry as she says in a flat and deadly tone, “I had it on for my bread.”  JerseyMoobs, who clearly has very little experience with Angry Lesbianas, decides to flirt with his own oblivion when he snots back “Well, *I* didn’t know that.”…

I’d say she’s about three seconds away from a stabfest

Really, Moobsie?  There are only six people cooking right now, it’s not like the ovens preheat themselves, if you find one turned on why wouldn’t you just leave it the fuck alone?  This bites.  What’s even worse is that now she and GayNold are fighting over when she’s going to cook her fresh pasta.  He apparently wants her to put it in the water with 10 minutes left to go, but she says fresh pasta cooks in about a minute, so she wants to wait until the last couple of minutes to start it or else it will be overcooked.  He thinks they have way too much stuff to do in the last minute to wait that long.

Things start getting uglier by the second as he’s badgering her to “Please, just move on.” and she’s like “Alright, if it’s overcooked, it’s on you.” and he’s like “OK, that’s fine, but I just wanna move on.” and she’s like “Yeah, it’s not fine, because I’ll be thrown off, too!”…

we are faaaa-muh-lee

I feel you, Lady T

Team Black Guys is having issues as well, JerseyMoobs is thinking that their rib sauce has plenty of horseradish in it, but KennEgo (being the Alpha Dawg) just goes ahead and puts some more of it in.  This angers Moobsie, “It needs to be a group discussion!”  Yeah, except with KennEgo, there ain’t no such thing because he’s always right, therefore discussion is not necessary.  Big-Haired Andrea’s slyly comparing their ribs and says she thinks KennEgo and JerseyMoobs don’t have nearly enough sauce (which she calls “The Business”) on theirs…  and as she watches them plate, she says “They don’t have The Business.”

Time is called, here’s a delightful Dinner Of Mediocrity, starting with Team Black Guys…

and their “Businessless” ribs

Big Volt and Sexist Pigshit immediately jizz all over themselves trying to say how much they love this dish, especially the crispy horseradish, but Scar says she can’t taste it.  However, she loved the jus on their ribs, but now it’s Frenchy Lady’s turn to wail that there just wasn’t enough of it!  KA-BLAM!

Next up, we have Ribs:  The White Girls Strike Back…

with plenty of “Business” to spare

Daddy Tom takes a deep breath when he sees another plate of short ribs coming his way, but gamely dives in.  EvangelAss thinks the ladies’ ribs have the real flavor they should.  Sexist Pigshit reverts to type, claiming both teams just “nailed” the meat, but he thinks the White Girls’ polenta is “too stiff”.

Our final act tonight is brought to you by Team About To Throw Each Other Under The Bus Rainbow…

well that explains the blackened pasta!

Mmmmm, squid ink.  Curiously, as GayNold is delivering the food, he’s interviewing about the dish as if it were his sole creation.  Check it out:  “I think it can go one of two ways… either 1.) what is this kid thinking serving me a plate of spaghetti?… or 2.) he’s thinking outside of the box and giving us something totally different from all of his peers.”  That’s odd, isn’t it?

Right after they leave, Big Volt turns to Daddy Tom and says “The pasta is not cooked.”  Erique The Rippert agrees, but likes the sauce, which his fellow Frenchy Lady agrees with, too.  EvangelAss thinks the concept behind this dish was better than the Rib Quadruplets.

At Judges’ Table, Scar calls all three Teams to appear, and Frenchy Lady delivers the news that the winning dish belongs to… Team White Girls!  Their Business Ribs get to be on the Hilton Menu!  Plus they each win a 6 night vacation for two to either Venice, Italy or Barcelona, Spain!…

and they love big hair in Europe!

Congratulations on being best of the worst, ladies!  This leaves Team Black Guys and Team Rainbow Hatred in jeopardy.  Scar starts by asking if they were happy with their dish, and LynnBian says she thought the flavors were good (her exact words are “I was happy with the flavor of the dish.”), but admits the pasta was probably undercooked.  GayNold disagrees, he thinks it was cooked perfectly.  Daddy Tom is confused by their disagreement.

Then Frenchy Lady wants to know if they intentionally made black pasta to go with black mussels.  GayNold says yes, that was part of the plan, he thinks it made for a beautiful and stunning presentation.  Then LynnBian repeats herself, “I was happy with the flavor of the dish.”…

Daddy is now witnessing the implosion of the gay power movement

Or is that what really happened?  Actually, I think I might have caught the Magical Elves in some trickery, you guys.  If any of you have this on DVR, I want you to watch this part back again and tell me if you agree.  If you watch LynnBian, she uses the exact same phrase both times:  “I was happy with the flavor of the dish.”  On the word “flavor” she makes a hand gesture.  When I watched both of these segments in tandem it appears to me that they are identical.  I think they pasted that phrase in a second time to make it look like LynnBian refused to respond to GayNold’s assertion that black pasta + black mussels = stunning presentation.  I don’t know why they did, but they are BUS. TED.

Moving on to KennEgo and JerseyMoobs, Daddy Tom mentions that part of the reason Team White Girls won was because they put more glaze from their ribs on the plate…

naturally this is a shock to KennEgo’s ego

JerseyMoobs starts stammering, insisting they were glazing all the time.  Then KennEgo jumps in and spouts some bullshit about “When it got to the point where we felt the sodium level was complete… that’s when we stopped.”  Because he couldn’t just say “we were afraid it might get too salty”, or better still, “we fucked up.”   Daddy Tom wants to know if they really stopped glazing because of salt fears, or if they stopped because they just plain thought the ribs were glazed enough, and JerseyMoobs starts sputtering again, to the point where Daddy has to stop him and ask the question a second time.  Now KennEgo’s claims he thought the meat was glazed enough.  You know what’s getting glazed now?  My eyes.

Erique The Rippert wakes me up a little when he starts asking if they actually tasted their sauce before they put it on the plate.  They both claim yes, and The Rippert responds “And yoo wair oppy weez zee flevvur?”  KennEgo launches into another one of his obfuscating speeches, talking about how they were happy with “the viscosity” of the sauce (which isn’t the flavor) and then claiming they both felt the taste of the horseradish really came through.  Erique disagrees:  “I hoff a hart tiyeem too fine zee orseradeesh flevvur een zat sose… een dee deesh, ockshulee!”  KennEgo’s face is priceless…

yes, KennEgo, that’s the smell of him not buying your bullshit

Daddy Tom wants to know why each of them thinks their dish should keep them there.  Naturally everybody states their case, but GayNold’s choice  of pronouns are troubling because it’s basically the same “I, I, I… I, I, I… I, I, I, I, I” shit he was accusing Miss Swan of two weeks ago.  Unless this was edited weirdly, but it sounds like GayNold’s trying to take credit for the whole thing, which could be a bad choice.

As the Judges have a few more cocktails and discuss Scar’s brand new stretch marks, the Stew Room is very tense.  Or, I should say, assholish, because KennEgo’s spouting off to MassholEd, saying “I should be on top, you know?  I’m like definitely not somebody that should be, you know, on the fucking bottom.”…

is this really how The Secret works?  You keep saying what you wish happened and eventually history changes itself?

go on Tamesha, testify

Now JerseyMoobs is claiming that they should have actually told the Judges HOW to eat the dish and everything would have been great, which, WTF?  These people are professionals, not kindergarteners, and I suspect they might resent you trying to tell them how to eat some shortribs, Moobsie.

Naturally, Bloody Mandy chooses this exact moment to deposit her two cents on the idea…

which goes over about as well as you might imagine

Eh, I think she’s just drunk.  Anyhow, here’s tonight’s Viewer Poll…

can’t we vote to send KennEgo home for being such a dick?

And the Team leaving us tonight is… awww, man!  It’s Team Rainbow!  In one swift uncooked fuckup, all gays are eliminated from this season!  Jesse Helms would have been so proud, and I’ll bet Orrin Hatch wishes it were that easy to get rid of us in real life.

Instructor LynnBian says she’s sad to be leaving, “I came here to prove to myself that I still can be the old beast that I used to be…”

aaaaand mission accomplished

She’s not above a last parting shot at GayNold… “Letting the younger chef take the lead… that’s my mistake.”  I thought undercooking the pasta was her undoing, but oh well, I think she’s allowed a little selective perception at this point.

Meanwhile, GayNold’s leaving us with a reminder of his value:  “I stayed true to myself… I think I really put a little bright flavor into the competition.”…

and we thank you for it, girlfriend

Now, go get a facial, you’re looking oily.

And there we have it!  What did you guys think of this episode?  Should Team Rainbow have been the one going home?  Or do you think that Team Black Guys’ lack of “Business” was a bigger mistake?  Did this competition seem as backwards to you guys as it did to me?  And can you believe that tacky edit job they did with Miss LynnBian and her déjà vu moment??  Feel free to stop by and drop some knowledge, GayNold, I think the ‘Gasmii would love to hear any inside info you might have.  Tell Jon TrannyLips we all said hi.

One last thing before I go… I’d like you guys to meet…

Chunky and Chica!

Chunky peed on me right after this picture was taken

but I forgave him because they are just too cute

We’ll see you guys next week when OranJello and KennEgo are put on the same team and get into a major slapfight!

Love,  J-Mo  : )