Top Chef Recap: Banquet Food Always Sucks

Hello friends! I was recently invited to my little sister B-Mo’s wedding (where she became B-Wo) and it was a really fun time, I got so hammered on tequila shots that I drunk-dialed my own brother, peed in a public parking lot, made a pass at a Denny’s fry cook and wrote on the inside of the windows of my car with a Sharpie marker (and what I wrote is still there because I’m desperately trying to figure out what I was trying to say, or how I learned to write in Korean)… the only downside to the whole affair was that the food suuuuuucked (and I can say this without fear of an imminent slapfight breaking out, because my little sister knows this and she [thankfully] agrees with me). Truly terrible, the veggies were limp and bland, the pasta dish was overcooked to mush, the meat sauce was water-weak and flavorless, and the chicken breasts were not even as tasty as eating an actual silicone implant might have been (same texture, though). The worst part about it was that the overall appearance of everything was so listless and unappealing…

like this, only less colorful

Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in having low expectations of mass-catered meals, but when hospital, airline and nursing-home food starts to look like four-star fare, it’s time to get a better class of chef… which is exactly what they tried to do on tonight’s episode of Top Chef Texas. And in the end…

it was like they shot J.R. all over again

Like, thirteen more times. But before we move on, let’s rewind to last week…

where the chefs had to cook for Little Nicky

Penis-Hair tried to pass off one of his terrible Motomenu items as “inspired”

and Chris Scary was haunted by the Ghost Of Christmas Fats

BTW, a quick shout-out (and thankee-sai) goes to commenters Shi and CrankyGuy for sharply alerting us to Penis-Hair’s lame attempt to shoehorn the kind of crap Moto has on it’s menu into the challenges. ‘Gasmii dominate once again! And Moto loses more customers!

On to this week! Back at the Glorified Motel 6 Room™, Jobless Grayson’s sitting around the table with the other Girl-Chefs and drunkenly slurring that she’s gonna “miss that little Choo-Choo train!” She’s of course, talking about Cocky Chewy getting El Boot-o for his insane fishy-cheesy dish (like Penis-hair’s collard-green stogies, this was a menu item from his restaurant, and just as unwisely showcased).

Meanwhile, the men are all out deadening their taste buds smoking on the patio and noticing with some disquiet that Cocky Chewy was the third male chef in a row to get sent home. Looking around at their dwindling numbers, Chris Scary laments “This is all the guys, isn’t it!”…

welllll, plus one hairy girl

Ninja Eddie seems suddenly afraid of the burgeoning Girl Power Movement, “I don’t want there to be, like, eight girls and two guys left!” he moans. He wants the guys to rally together and “save face”. Hey Eddie, you know that Asian stereotype where the women are treated as having far less value than the men?…

thanks for reinforcing it, douchemouth

Then, much to his horror, the women actually come out on the patio and start messing with the men, asking them if they’re skerd of a bunch of girl-chefs. Penis-Hair says he’s not thinking about boys versus girls, he’s just going to try to concentrate on the food. After last week’s burnt turdetizer, he’d better.

The next day they arrive at Le Cordon Bleu (which is French for “cheese erection”) where they find a banana-colored Scar ready to greet them…

along with a televangelist

KIDDING, that’s actually a chef named Dean Fearing, who Fag Hag Heather tells us is a culinary supastah and classically-trained, so she’s pretty sure this is gonna be one bitch of a QuickFire Challenge. And she’s right, because it’s going to test their skills as a saucier (pronounced “sahs-ee-AYY”) which Chef God-Fearing explains is the most prestigious position on the line in a kitchen, and that sauce is the item that “gives the wow to the dish”. Hearing this is a total and complete revelation to me, because it made me realize that for an entire year I was the saucier at a major restaurant…

giving wow to Big Macs

I had no idea that splooshing pinkish lumpy goo onto burgers was so important, but I guess this really is a coveted spot, Divot Diva Nyesha says if she had her choice, she’d be a saucier for the rest of her life because it’s such “an artistry in itself”…

art, y’all

Here comes the knife block! After the chefs draw knives, it turns out each of them have picked one of The Five Mother Sauces: Tomate (Divot Diva, Whatsherface), Espagnole (Bore-verly, Penis-Hair, TexAsian Paul), Hollandaise (Mousy Lindsay, Ty-Böre, Jobless Grayson), Béchamel (DaCody Diablo, Fag Hag Heather, Ninja Eddie) and Velouté (GroanyBooger, Chris Scary). Scary helpfully explains that Mother Sauces are the base used to make other sauces (such as Special Sauce™) and he’s pretty happy he landed velouté because it’s pretty basic and easy, just chicken stock thickened with a roux (pronounced “ROO”) made of flour and butter. Well, it’s not going to be quite that easy, because their challenge is to make a dish using a sauce that stems from their selected mother sauce. So Scary might have to add some sugar or vinegar or something to his chicken gravy. In any case, they’ve got 90 minutes and the winner gets immunity plus no extra cash. GO!

So Scary starts making his roux, and patting himself on the back for going old-school. And for not being a fat pig. Then Jobless Grayson decides to give us the groan-moment by declaring that she’s feeling saucy. TexAsian’s telling us that espagnole is made of veal bones and tomato paste (so is tomate sauce made of tomato bones and veal paste?) and reveals that he hasn’t made the mother sauces since his culinary school days in this very kitchen (yup, he went to Le Cordon Blew) so he’s feeling mighty tested right now. Yeah, and possibly frightened that the Le Cordon instructors will beat the shit out of him if he winds up on the bottom.

There’s lots more sauce-talk, most of which is pretty bitchy and complainy, but not for Bore-verly, because even though she’s been given espagnole, she’s doing what she calls “an avant-garde interpretation” with teriyaki demi-glace and a miso bleu cheese…

sooooo in Bore-speak “avant-garde” is French for “asian food”

It is really gonna suck for her if Bore-verly gets cut before they have to do the Dim Sum Challenge. Speaking of sucking, DaCody Diablo starts out by saying how excited she is to get to make her béchamel-related sauce with lemon-grass and black truffle, along with some brown-butter scallops… but then turns around and says she put the scallops on to cook way too early and now they’re probably like albino hockey pucks due to carryover cooking…

so it’s a bléchamel sauce, really

Time is up! And weirdly, it sounds like a fire-alarm going off. They begin with Chris Scary’s version of velouté…

on the vulva-plates, natch

I’m sorry, but I just think those plates are weird as fuck, but I get why he used them…

to draw attention away from his dirty-ass debris-littered work-station

Seriously, what the hell? Thank heaven he used those big-ass plates so Scar and God-Fearing had a hint about what they were supposed to eat. Then they move on to Ninja Eddie…

and his big manly-man Plate ‘O’ Seafood Orgasm™

Next in line is Jobless Grayson’s “I’m feelin’ saucy” sauce…

and now you can answer the question “when did I have corn?”

God-Fearing asks if Jobless used clarified butter in her sauce (and in case you were wondering what that is, it’s butter that looks like the drug test sample you have to give) and she says nope, she likes to use whole butter in her sauces. God-Fearing clucks noncommittally, and they hit up TexAsian Paul next…

whoa, his dish has scapies? ew ew ew

Oh, wait, that word is “scapes“. What in blue fuckyfuckytown is a “scape” exactly? Like, a cross between a scallop and a grape? Or a scallion and an ape? Somebody, please help me out here. Actually, someone might want to help out TexAsian instead, because when God-Fearing asks him what color the roux was that he used in his sauce, TexA stammers that he *gulp* didn’t use a roux, which earns him a look that says…

you, sir, are a rouxtard

Then it’s Whatsherface’s turn…

tomate, tomaht, whatevs, who is this girl again?

Whatsherface says something about having used the shrimp-shells in the sauce to “sweeten it” or “make it crunchy”, I can’t tell which, and she is also asked about her roux-usage. And just like TexAsian, she blasphemed and didn’t use one. God-Fearing is starting to look like he’s wandering around a house of ill-repute, and this time he makes sure to inform her that a true classic French tomate sauce does, in fact, use a roux for it’s base. Whatsherface is taken aback by this, she has never made her tomate that way…

roux schmoux

You may think that I’m trying to always capture Whatsherface at her worst, but I swear to you, whenever I randomly stop the video for a screenshot, it always looks like what you see above. Let’s see what Fag Hag Heather pulled out of her béchamel-toe…

deep-fried mutant-balls

That thing looks like the Qualifying course on Wipeout (with a pile of corpses at the end). And speaking of wipeouts, here comes Bore-verly’s EspanAsian fusion…

featuring 3 drops of wine and a Linda Blair-based roux

The best part of Bore-verly giving her dish description is…

Fag Hag’s mug

Yes, Heather has caught on to the fact that Bore-verly is cooking Asian food over and over again and believes that if she were the judges, she’d be bored with Bore by now. Of course, her complaint would have a little more impact…

if she hadn’t also climbed aboard the A-Train this time

God-Fearing wants to know why she used so little of her espagnole sauce, and Bore says she didn’t want to highlight the fact that the dish is now Asian and not French overpower the palate with too much soy. I think it’s safe to say Bore won’t have immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Let us mosey on to DaCody Diablo’s station…

which looks like a pornado hit it

DaCody’s description of her dish is longer than my last recap, and when she finally finishes talking, Scar shakes God-Fearing awake, they taste the dish and agree that her sauce is more like a hollandaise than béchamel. DaCody makes more crazy-eyes at them, but they don’t change their minds and hurry away to see what kind of dry, crusty crap Ty-Böre has made with his assigned sauce, which actually was hollandaise…

welllll, more like hollangays

Ty-Ty is also quizzed by God-Fearing about whether or not he used clarified butter, and just like Jobless Grayson, he didn’t bother. With all this butter abuse going on, God-Fearing looks like he’s ready to damn them all straight to hell. Good thing he gets to stick around for the Elimination Challenge, because he’s going to find out what real hell is. Time to check in with the Divot Diva Nyesha…

and her glorified marinara

Diva lets them know how much she loves making sauces, which is going to be all the more sad if she winds up on the bottom. Before we find out, let’s take a look at this week’s Parade Of Mediocrity™…

dominated by Penis-Hair’s insistence on pseudo-artsy platter-splatters

I think Penis-Hair has effectively beaten that one-trick pony to death, no? Either that or he has undiagnosed Parkinson’s. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why chefs would think anyone wants to be served a plate of food that looks as though it had already been served to a three-year-old by mistake. In any case, who did the worst? Well, DaCody Diablo for one, and in less than 50,000 words God-Fearing says her use of the peach in her sauce was where she overdid it. Also on the bottomsies is Divot Diva. Although she loves making sauces, this one had so many flavors in it that it became muddled…

well that’s what you get for making veloutomatespagnollandéchamel sauce

Additionally, and much to Fag Hag’s (not so) secret delight, God-Fearing reams poor Bore-verly because her coriander and wasabe was featured far more prominently than her mother sauce. Sorry Bore, I guess Asian flavas can’t conquer everything after all. You better throw away the crumpled note in your pocket that says that.

On the Not-Going-To-Hell side of things, God-Fearing really liked Jobless Grayson’s dish (icky murky whole butter aside) and thinks it’s brilliant that she was able to make a ravioli in 90 minutes…

it was a miracle of JAY-zuss!

Chris Scary also gets kudos for having added his poaching liquids back into his velouté sauce, it changed the flavor, and more importantly, it didn’t make his butt look big. TexAsian is lauded as well for his use of quail and mushrooms and pickled okra, soooo apparently it is just fine that he didn’t use a roux in his sauce. And the winner is… Jobless Grayson! Enjoy your immunity…

trust me, she’s about to

Yes, because Scar darkly intones that the upcoming Elimination Challenge is all about steak and will be one of the “toughest they’ll ever face”. They have to work as a single team and cook for 200 guests. This causes a lot of concern for some chefs, but others seem strangely excited by the prospect of another large team challenge…

and GroanyBooger starts mentally revving her bus

Ty-Böre immediately tells us that he worked for Sizzler an unnamed steak house in NYC for two years (because he has worked everywhere and done everything anyone has ever asked about), so he has a lot of experience with cooking burgers steak. However, this being a team challenge naturally concerns him because not everyone is going to live up to his level of awesome. Anyhow, Scar is still talking and saying that they have to make four courses, and steak has to be in two of them. Wait, I thought this was supposed to be the “toughest challenge ever”? Why not make them put steak in all four courses??!? I’d love to see someone try and make steak-cake or steak-n-ice-cream. Come on, Magical Elves, put some thought into this shit!

Well, just in case the chefs weren’t already nervous enough about having to be in a Team Challenge with the God Of Steak Cookery Ty-Böre (who Wields A Mighty Spatula And Tongs) it turns out the people they’re cooking for actually know some shit about steak, because this meal they’re making is gonna be for the annual Cattle-Baron’s Ball. Naturally, GroanyBooger’s Texan gramps was a member, so she knows all about how important good steak is to these people, they have it every single day of their lives…

here she is with Gramps making steak cookies

God-Fearing goes into preacher mode, admonishing the chefs that they are going to need to make sure to pull their steaks at the right moment so they are MEDIUM-RARE when they hit the table, or else everyone will get shot. At least, that’s what his tone implies. Also feeding into the melodramaticalness of this challenge is their cooking location, which Scar says will be none other than SouthFork Ranch! You can immediately tell who the fans of the 80′s nighttime soap Dallas are amongst the chefs…

or, more accurately, fans of Big Dallas Hair™

Ok, ok, that’s why I like the show, too. Fag Hag Heather, on the other hand, says she grew up in a Dynasty household, so she never really watched it and wonders who it was that actually shot J.R. Ewing (no, it wasn’t Sue Ellen Ewing, it was Sue Ellen’s trampy sister, Kristin Shepard). In any case, the winner of the Elimination Challenge gets a brand new Cloyota Menza! Which looks like an updated station wagon! Everyone dutifully claps, and Divot Diva confesses she drives a giant-ass gas-guzzlin’ truck and would love to have a more economical car like the Menza. Here’s a hint, Diva: trade in the giant-ass gas-guzzlin’ truck yourself, some tiny-dicked L.A. douchebag will snap it up like it’s rolling Viagra.

Well, now they have 30 minutes to waste squabbling and talking over each other menu-plan. Amazingly, they quickly break up into four teams, with Bore-verly, DaCody Diablo and GroanyBooger on the First Course, Ninja Eddie, Penis-Hair and TexAsian on the Second, Ty-Böre, Divot Diva, Chris Scary and Whatsherface on the Third, and Fag Hag, Jobless Grayson and Mousy Lindsay on the Fourth (Dessert). Ninja Eddie immediately starts bitching that Fag Hag is taking “his” cake recipe (that he appears to have previously and freely given to her during the Taco Bell challenge) and plans to use it again, and that just pisses him off, “At some point she’s gonna have stop repeating the same recipe and really cook!”…

and that Betty Crocker bitch stole my shit, too

In other news, Eddie is kind of a dick. For Chrissakes, they’re still in the planning stages, does he really think Fag Hag is going to just trot out another melty quinceañera flower-cake? And so what if she uses the same Exalted And Revered Ninja Eddie Cake Recipe again, there’s no rule that says you can’t make the same thing in two different challenges. PLUS, I bet if he were on the Dessert Team he’d be using it and patting himself on the back for being so clever. Also, I’m pretty sure that Fag Hag is aware this isn’t Just Desserts, so I doubt she’ll be making sponge cake for every challenge the rest of the season. This guy is rapidly becoming my least favorite male chef, next to Penis-Hair, Chris Scary, and Ty-Böre.

So the chefs take off for Whole Paycheck Markent in what is basically an extended Cloyota commercial for the Menza… God, this shit is annoying, it isn’t bad enough that we have to watch commercials between show segments but now we have to incorporate them into the fabric of the show itself? Where does it all end??!? What’s next, shoving product placement down our throats during a high-energy dance production number at the American Music Awa–…

dammit J-Lo!

I’m not going to extoll the virtues of the Menza, I will only say that Penis-Hair wishes he could win something on the show, even two dollars…

is that enough to buy some scissors? cuz in that case I’ll give him the money right now

The only interesting thing that happens during this shopping trip is that we learn Ty-Böre’s love of beef doesn’t come just from being a homosexual, it’s also inspired by his father, whom he says made steak every week…

holy eyebrows Batman, Ty-Böre’s dad is Adam West!

Also being inspired by a parent is Whatsherface, who is still playing the Poor White Trash Card™ pretty heavily. She says her mom was a really good cook even though they didn’t have any money and lived in shitty hotel rooms while she was growing up, “She was very resourceful.” That’s awesome, but I can’t help wondering if Whitney sometimes wishes her folks had been a little more resourceful in the career department so she didn’t have to grow up looking all pinchy-faced and tatted-up…

thanks, mom

Anyhow, she’s making a potato gratin (which she pronounces gruh-TAN, while my Poor White Trash Family always called it GRAW-ton) and she asserts this is a dish she’s made a skillion times before, which probably means she’s about to fuck it up righteously.

Back to Le Cordon Blew they have three hours to prep, and here’s where the claws start to come out. The First Course Team (Bore, GroanyBooger and DaCody) is planning on making a cold soup of tomato gazpacho with shrimp in it. GroanyBooger is busy emasculating the tomatoes while Bore takes care of the shrimp. For some reason this really irks the hell out of Fag Hag, who believes that Bore-verly is being “selfish” and “focused on saving her own ass” because I guess she’s taking too long to clean and peel the shrimp?…

keep doing what you’re doing, Bore, I don’t care for shrimp-shit in my food

I have no idea how long you’d need to clean enough shrimp to feed 200 people, but however long it takes, it seems a little overzealous of Fag Hag to be so worried about it. And she’s not the only one getting up in someone else’s bidness, because it seems Ninja Eddie is freaking out over Whatsherface’s plans to not bake her potato gratin until the following day, he thinks three hours isn’t enough time to “bake, cut, portion and serve” this part of a dish that isn’t his responsibility in the first place. Jesus, what a bunch of Nosey Netties! I get it that they want to make a good meal, but it is a competition, and why shouldn’t these people be allowed to make their parts of it the best they can (or fail miserably)?

And speaking of FAIL, while Ty-Böre is working with some kind of sharp tool (an oyster knife, maybe?) to clear what looks like marrow from some bones, this happens…

hey, isn’t that almost exactly how Gail Simmons’ “bagel injury” went down?

Yowtch! I bet the cameraman who caught this footage got an extra sweet beejay from the Magical Elf of his choice in return! Ty-Böre is clearly in pain and calls for the medic…

who treats him like they’re on a first date

Bad luck for him, and clearly Ty-Ty is in pain. Even worse, medic-girl advises he get stitches, but Ty-Böre just wants to wrap his hand and finish working (they only have about 15 minutes left at this point). Now he’s worried as he trundles off to the ER that this little hiccup is going to get him eliminated, because Group Three’s dish is the actual medium-rare steak part of the meal, and since he bragged so much about being Grill Master Of The Universe, he’s the one that’s supposed to cook all 200 of the steaks.

Meanwhile, back at the Glorified Motel 6 Room™, the other chefs are discussing contingency plans if Ty-Böre is, in fact, unable to continue cooking. Fag Hag flat-out asks the group who can take the lead on cooking the entrée, and the crickets are deafening. At least, up until we hear Chris Scary whine, “I would, but I have to cook the brussels sprouts…”

and play with my hair and stare at Scar’s ass

Yes, because to a crowd of Texas Cattlemen, the vegetables are the clear star of that dish. Putz. Even more strangely, no one is calling Scary out for being “selfish” or “overly focused on saving his own ass”. Mousy Lindsay is disappointed that no one seems to be willing to step up and take control, and she blames the dismal experience they had during the Taco Bell challenge for that. In the end it appears that everyone just assumes Ty-Böre will be back and so they have a few more beers and go to bed. Let’s go to commercial…

gee, look who ditched NutriSystem and went back to eating fatty shit that gives you heartburn

Smart move pitchwise, I guess, but maybe someone should let the folks over at Prilosuck know that Larry The Cable Guy can’t truly be an “actual user” of their product since he isn’t really named Larry. Or a cable guy. Or funny. Anyhow, it’s the next day and the chefs awaken to realize they still don’t have a plan in place if Ty-Böre doesn’t show up with all his fingers still attached to his hands. Ninja Eddie tries to take everyone’s minds off this fact…

by doing mediocre Patti LaBelle impressions

Suddenly, Ty-Böre returns and shows off his four brand new stitches! He also says there were upwards of 60 people in the ER and that he spent six hours there waiting to get his brand new Safety Orange Band-Aid…

that’s what you get for going to County

Ty-Ty says he’s willing to do “whatever it takes” (such as drinking eighteen espressos, or six lattés, or maybe just a couple of frappucinos) in order to win. I hope he chooses a slightly less poo-inducing remedy. In any case, they load on up and head out to SouthFork Ranch…

can you hear the weird twangy country disco music?

It was at this point I was hoping they’d have gotten someone from the Dallas cast to welcome the chefs to the ranch (pretty sure that Charlene Tilton and Christopher Atkins are still looking for work) but nope, they just go into the kitchen at the Convention Center (not a part of the TV show) and get to work. It looks like Mousy and Fag Hag have taken it upon themselves to become the Event Organizers (a.k.a. Up Everyone Else’s Asses) so they are setting up tables and plates…

and other stuff that requires a Self-Important Checklist™

I guess maybe this is why Fag Hag feels like it is well within her domain to start barking at Bore-verly about how much time she’s still taking with her shrimp dish, and snots to us privately that if she had a chef under her taking two days to make shrimp (okay, really only six hours, but whatever) she would be Through. The. Roof…

what? she neglected to say which direction

As if her getting all Bitchy McBossyPants over Bore-verly’s shrimp wasn’t enough, Fag Hag then starts hounding her about some pickling work that needs to be done. DaCody Diablo’s watching all this and tells us Fag Hag is the most obnoxious person she’s ever met (that’s saying a lot since she lives in L.A.), calls her a bully and says “she would be the first person that I would boot from the island.”…

wrong reality show, Ms. Hantz

Naturally Daddy Tom shows up just in time to talk to Fag Hag alone as she’s lining up plates so she can tell him all about her and Mousy selflessly choosing to expedite for everyone else to make the whole thing run smoothly. Daddy is impressed.

Meanwhile, Penis-Hair is busy burning random things out on the grill where he’s cooking his group’s sirloin for a carpaccio. Inside, Whatsherface is having to replace the top layer of taters in her gratin because as they sat overnight they turned brown, which is eating up some of her cook time, and now she says getting them finished is going to be “hectic”, which might be another word for “impossible”, but I”m not sure, I haven’t made this dish 48395 times like she has. When Daddy Tom and God-Fearing make their way back to the kitchen, God-Fearing questions why Whatsherface isn’t cooking them in a double-boiler, calling her decision to just bake them “chancy”…

these here taters smeyell lahk brimstone

Daddy Tom stops by Ty-Böre’s station to admire his Band-Aid and talk about his strategy for cooking 200 steaks to a perfect MEDIUM-RARE. He says he plans to “mark them” on the grill (I guess that means just put some grill marks on them?) and then he’s gonna finish them in the oven. Daddy Tom just kinda smirks at him and says “Good luck.” before he walks away leaving Ty-Ty looking rather frightened.

Bore-verly takes a minute out to tell us that although Fag Hag was jumping up and down on her about her shrimp, she finally finished them and they taste “perfect”. What a selfish bitch! How dare she execute something to her satisfaction!

The convention center is filling up with cowboys and cowgirls all hankering for some good old red meaty meat, and then along come the judges, Daddy Tom, Scar, Hughnibrow and God-Fearing. They meet up with two ladies from the Cattle Baron’s Ball…

would have been awesome if Maria’s last name was Cox

Outside by the grills, Ty-Böre is complaining about the heat, the humidity, his cut hand, his lack of sleep, and it seems pretty clear he’s saving these tidbits up as martyrdom excuses if things go poorly. He is getting big trays of steak done and Penis-Hair is conveying them inside to await their finishing in the oven. And now it’s time to serve the first course!…

a.k.a. Tomatermelon Shrimpocado

Cancer Cox says she was expecting to taste more watermelon in the dish. Daddy Tom ignores her comment and says the dish is properly seasoned and the shrimp is cooked nicely, but he thinks the First Course Ladies played it safe. Hughnibrow says it’s a little more acidic than he likes, but thinks it hit a good note for a starter to the meal.

Back in the kitchen, Mousy Lindsay looks worried and says they need to start firing the steaks in the oven soon, although the Second Course is only just now being served…

a.k.a. The Manly Men Course

After digging in, Daddy Tom doesn’t seem to like the raw tomatoes or the under-grilled asparagus, he complains that the dish really has no point of view. Hughnibrow says they should have peeled their tomatoes, especially with three people and six hours to work on it. God-Fearing says the steak-slices are well-cooked and MEDIUM-RARE, just like they should be, so Praise Gawd, he’s happy.

Mousy is getting antsier and antsier, and after nearly peeing on the floor, she decides to take matters into her own hands, grabs Penis-Hair and heads back to the oven where she starts throwing steaks onto a pan and shoving them inside. “Nobody wants to decide when to put the steaks in the oven, I’m just trying to make sure the steaks are getting cooked at this point!”…

and why would I bother asking Ty-Böre about them?

Things get rather muddled here, it seems like they forgot that Ty-Ty was outside marking the steaks when they decided to fire them in the oven, so it’s not clear if nobody went and asked him, or if Mousy just got so nervous and wrecked that she panicked, but either way, they started to heat a bunch of the steaks. Once they were done MEDIUM-RARE they went to go serve them, only to have Fag Hag put the breaks on and tell them to “hang tight” because people are still eating their Second Course dishes. BASS DRUM HIT

I gotta say, though, that is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when eating out, and restaurants do it all the time, you ask for an appetizer, they bring it with the main course, or you ask for a salad and they bring your main course when you’re only halfway through with the greens. I realize they want to move you back out the door and turn those tables around as quickly as possible, but fuck you, Crapplebee’s, I’m gonna enjoy my meal at my pace, not yours, thank you. This is why the BF and I have taken to ordering apps and then putting the menu aside until they’ve been served, THEN we order entrées.

Anyhow, I guess i’m saying I sorta understand why Fag Hag is trying to rein in the steakhorses, but it seems like a gross failure of communication between her and her so-called Co-Expediter (Mousy) that things have wound up this way. And the steak-wave ain’t stopping, either, because now for some reason Ninja Eddie’s blasting meat in the oven and yelling out that his steaks are ready to be served, but there’s been no green-light from Fag Hag…

let’s ruin this meal in an orderly fashion, please

She’s actually trying to set up a system for flash-frying the steaks, and doesn’t realize that Mousy/Ninja already started. Penis-Hair tells us that the steaks being flash-fried too early is just like the meteor that crashed into the earth and made the dinosaurs extinct, “It’s that big of a deal!” he moans…

yes, you melodramatic putz, you’re about to diiiiiiiiie

Ty-Böre comes back inside with the last of the steaks and finds out everything is completely fucked up (even though Fag Hag is running around insisting that the early-heating of meat is not going to affect anything… you know, other than making the steaks NOT MEDIUM-RARE) and he knows he is “instantly screwed”…

so he decides to take a nap

OH, and that’s not the only thing that sucks on this dish, because now TexAsian is frantically calling for everyone to help out with replacing the kale side-dish because it’s turned soggy, and lo and behold, Whatsherface’s tater gratin came out of the oven…

looking worse than the boxed kind

Divot Diva thinks the steak looks like shit and is worried that her compound butter and steak sauce may not be strong enough to shine on their own. Honey, right now it’s like putting candy sprinkles on a turd, but go ahead, let’s get the shit-train a-movin’ to the diners!…

because this look is exactly what the chefs were hoping for when the main course was served

And this is the reason why God-Fearing’s face just fell into his lap…

maybe the steak won’t look so bad if we hide it under everything?

Wow. That right there looks like Luby’s Luby’s Luby’s on the table table table. Hughnibrow immediately notices that the steak is “a little messy”. Ms. Cattle Dix says hers is definitely NOT MEDIUM-RARE. God-Fearing says that’s not a good sign, since he was the one who expressly stressed to these people that the meat needed to be MEDIUM-RARE…

instead of medium-leather

Daddy Tom notices that Whatsherface’s taters are just not cooked, and God-Fearing agrees. Luckily for Divot Diva, they think her fancy butter-pats and steak sauce are really good, so she skates away scot-free (exactly as she hoped). They might as well move on to the Fourth Course early…

this really should be called the “Micromanage Everyone Except Where It Counts” cake

Fag Hag was worried that eating a super-sweet cake on top of such a heavy meal wouldn’t go over well, so she changed up the recipe (ha ha Ninja Eddie!) and made it a little less cloying. Daddy Tom loves it, as does Ms. Cancer Cox. Hughnibrow complains that it isn’t sugary enough, but Daddy Tom thinks that’s great, he’s not a fan of sweety-sweet desserts. The rest of the room seems to be split down the middle…

between not sweet enough

and too drunk to care

Back over at the Judges’ Table, Daddy Tom is lamenting the fact that he expected a helluva lot more out of thirteen Top Chef hopefuls in the kitchen, he feels like they could have done a lot more (or, you know, get the basics right). God-Fearing looks just as displeased…

worst little steakhouse in Texas

There’s an awkward silence and then they all clink glasses and everyone apologizes to Ms. Cattle Dix and Ms. Cancer Cox for ruining their fundraiser with terrible food. In the back, Ty-Böre is inconsolable in his defeat and believes it’s all over for him…

his only hope is if someone fucked up worse than he did

Whatsherface admits this isn’t the best gratin she’s ever made, it got a “little loose” and “broke down” on her, she thinks she might be on the bottom. Serving uncooked potatoes with overdone steak? I think that qualifies for a trip to the Dark Side of the Judges’ Table.

Tonight’s vignette is all about how Bore-verly has been stalking Ninja Eddie for years…

oh, the creepy short little figure you saw crouching in your backyard? that was me

Turns out Bore has idolized Ninja Eddie for a long, long time because she keeps up with all the high-profile Korean-American chefs in the U.S. Soooo, I guess that list would pretty much be Ninja Eddie and those douchebags from the Korilla Truck on the last season of Food Truck Race. And now her.

Talk turns serious as Fag Hag demands to know what went wrong (because dammit, she’s in charge, RAAAAAAAAWR!). As I predicted, Ty-Böre sorta claims responsibility for the bad steak while trotting out his list of martyrdom excuses under the umbrella of “I was personally maxed-out today”…

…and I din’t sleep well cuz I hadda bad dream and then I caught a bitch of a hangnail and I hadda go poopies real bad…

Fag Hag chooses her moment to strike very carefully and with surgical precision (she is like a really scary bug-eyed mama bear protecting her whiny little cub Ty-Böer) as she says “Did everybody pull their weight in there? I dunno, I mean, Bev, I really honestly think you could have done more. You spent a lot of time working on shrimp. Besides that, I’m not really sure what else you did.”…

uh, Fag Hag, you might wanna cool it on the comments about pulling weight before it gets any uglier in here

This is both asinine and absurd for her to be haranguing Bore-verly in this fashion. All Chris Scary did was cook some Brussels Sprouts in six hours, why isn’t he being taken to task? Or Divot Diva for that matter, she made some smushed-up butter and a sauce in six hours! Or how about Jobless Grayson, who has been very quiet under the Cone Of Immunity™ since the QuickFire? Or how about Mousy, who is actually responsible for ordering the premature cooking of the steaks? Plenty of people fucked up here. Besides, only *I* get to endlessly pick on Bore-verly, so back off outta my territory, Fag Hag!

You have to give Bore credit, she stands her ground and quietly says that when they decided to go with a dish that required peeling and de-veining 400 shrimp, she wanted them to be perfect and that took some time. Fag Hag is like “I’m just sayin…” and Bore is just as annoyed as we are, because much like the rest of us, she doesn’t see what her working on shrimp for her dish has to do with the failure of another group to execute theirs…

plus she’s not the one who went all Ginsu on their own fingers

Then we get to the real reason Hag is freaking out as she insists her and Mousy’s butts are the ones on the line today because they were responsible for the execution of the entire banquet…

a job they have somehow forgotten they willingly volunteered for

These bitches (and I’m including Ty-Böre in that disgust). Hey, here comes Scar, and she says they want to see Divot Diva Nyesha, Fag Hag and Penis-Hair. It’s no surprise that these three are the favorites of the night, Penis-Hair for his perfectly cooked sirloin in the Second Course, Fag Hag for her not-too-sweet cake in the Fourth Course, and Divot Diva for having the only things that weren’t fucked up in the Third Course. And God-Fearing gets to award the Cloyota Menza to… Fag Hag Heather!…

congrats on your crampy new station wagon

Divot Diva looks pissed, while Penis-Hair maintains his usual goofy cluelessness. I’m sure Fag Hag doesn’t win herself any new friends when her first comment upon returning to the Stew Lounge is “Anybody wanna ride in MY NEW CAR??!?!?”…

only if I can bring along a suicide bomber

Once everyone has finished celebrating her win to her satisfaction, Fag Hag fake-sadly tells them the Judges now want to see Ty-Böre, Whatsherface and Ninja Eddie. This is extra-awkward for Whatsherface to be staring at Hughnibrow, because he has been her direct mentor, she doesn’t want to disappoint him…

though it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between disappointment, joy, anger and orgasm with that permanent seagull on his face

Scar pulls no punches here and says the entire menu was “underwhelming”, and their components were the most disappointing. When asked, Ty-Böre admits the steaks were overcooked when they went out. He looks surprised when Daddy Tom says they were actually all over the place, some were underdone as well. God-Fearing says he got a MEDIUM-WELL steak, and if this had been a restaurant situation, they would be refunding his money. Ty-Ty says things could have worked out if the steaks had been fired at the correct time… but he doesn’t name names, and I have to give kudos to him for that. I’m sure if Fag Hag was on the bottom she’d be finding a way to blame that shit on Bore-verly.

As for Whatsherface, Daddy Tom wants to know why she chose such a heavy creamy dish when it’s over a hundred degrees outside. Whatsherface says she’s confused, wasn’t it just Thanksgiving a couple of days ago? She really thought that the traditional flavor of the dish would highlight the steak. Scar says she tasted some of Daddy Tom’s portion of the gratin and it was flat-out raw…

tasted worse than my acting in Glitter

God-Fearing is puzzled by the fact that she didn’t seem to feel the raw potatoes when she was cutting the portions, that texture should have instantly notified her that the dish was unfit to serve. I didn’t think it was possible for Whatsherface to look any more pinched or pasty, but she manages an extra degree with her apologies to them all.

Moving on to Ninja Eddie, Daddy Tom thinks his whole grilled asparagus and raw cherry tomato salad was thoughtless and boring and safe, and pretty much spoke to the general attitude of the menu itself. God-Fearing thinks that the veggies should have exploded with taste because the sirloin was so good, but instead, the great flavor of the meat only served to highlight the bland lameness of that part of the dish. Let’s go to commercial…

after this episode I think this is how the fan favorite standings will look

Back at the Judges’ New Asshole Tearing™ Daddy Tom is clearly pissed as he lays a heavy diss on them, “We chose 16 chefs, and quite frankly I’m starting to think maybe I chose the wrong chefs!”…

somewhere, Janinebian and BaldBear are crying right now

Even worse, he says it’s normally really hard to figure out who is getting the boot, but tonight they made it super-easy on them, so it’s goodbye to…

Ty-Böre’s lucky streak of having people around that suck worse than him, because…

…it’s Whatsherface going home

After she leaves, Daddy Tom says if a chef can’t put together a great potato gratin in six hours, they have no business being on this show. Ouch, poor Whatsherface, slammed to the very end…

BUT WAIT, she found her note from Daddy Tom inviting her to come back and do some more cooking!…

hmmm, “chose the wrong chefs” did we? fuck you, asshole

KIDDING, she’s dying to compete again! She arrives at Redemption Kitchen to find Daddy Tom and Cocky Chewy (they finally got a chef coat in boys’ sizes for him). He says it’s bittersweet seeing Whatsherface, he doesn’t want to have to compete against someone he likes so much. Daddy Tom lets Whatsherface in on the fact that they’ve been having these “secret competitions” with the eliminated chefs, and then brings out LimpHawk, BlackBear and BaldBear as well!…

to form a Panel of Pathetic™

The knife block is back, and Cocky Chewy draws “ostrich” while Whatsherface grabs “elk”. What does this mean? They have to make a burger out of them! A BURGER? Gee, I can’t wait for the cliffhanger than will be the mac & cheese challenge. Anyhow, both Whatsherface and Cocky Chewy say that elk and ostrich are very lean, dry proteins, so the real challenge will be trying to get these meats to make a juicy burger in 30 minutes.

Cocky Chewy’s back to his old ways of bragging about how awesome he is and he has worked every single station in a restaurant, he feels he could be “the chosen one”. Whatsherface is just trying to redeem herself in the overly hairy eyes of Hughnibrow. Then things really get weird, as the Panel Of Pathetic™ starts calling out obviously scripted expository questions for the chefs in order to get them to tell us what they’re doing…

which, for the first ten minutes, is making mayonnaise

This quickly gets very annoying, it’s like watching those football guys making color commentary on ESPN, and that just feels wrong on so many levels to me. Finally they’re finished, and Daddy Tom starts with Cocky Chewy’s Ostrichburger…

which is only meant for someone with a mouth as big as his

Daddy Tom mentions this as well as he cuts off a piece of the patty and eats that first, before attempting to take a bite. When he does he notices the patty is pretty much NOT MEDIUM-RARE and in fact is closer to well-done. But he says he doesn’t mind that before moving on to Whatsherface…

and her Breakfast Burger

He wants to know if she likes to put eggs on her burgers. Nope, she’s just getting back at you for that “chose the wrong chefs” comment, Daddy. DUH. He says it’s a little messy but at least he can get his mouth wrapped around it… Well, he didn’t exactly say that…. anyhow, Whatsherface has a really weird expression on her face that says…

I wonder when my Syrup Of Ipecac Aioli is gonna kick in?

Now that he’s smushed up the burgers and put his hands and mouth all over them, Daddy Tom invites the Pathetic Panel to come up and have sloppy seconds. Soooo now we know for sure that Redemption Kitchen is also about abuse. After they’ve all had a chance to taste each other’s saliva, BlackBear says Whatsherface’s had more pronounced protein flavor, and Daddy Tom agrees, so Whatsherface hangs on to fight another Loozah on another day!…

and a sweaty, smelly chef coat to do it in!

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Did you feel like Bore-verly should have been able to finish her shrimp in less than 3 hours and pitch in elsewhere, or was she right to concentrate on her own part of the meal? I know some people commented on the minicap that they thought Fag Hag Heather was being a bully, and watching it back, I kinda have to agree, especially when it appears she gets even worse in the next episode. Did you guys also find it odd that nobody brought Mousy or Ninja Eddie to task for their part in screwing up Ty-Böre’s steaks? Is anyone else wanting to start a Vote For The Worst campaign and maybe we can all start putting in votes for Janinebian or BaldBear to win Fan Favorite so that Scary doesn’t walk away with it? So far I feel like he has been nothing but a selfish asshole and I can’t stand to think of him being rewarded with a cash prize based on nothing but his vapid face and silly fauxhauk.

I hope everybody is having a good holiday season so far, thanks for your patience with the recap, and here is a little kitty porn for your viewing pleasure…

the kids live to get tangled up in each other

And no, the house normally isn’t a huge mess like this, but we are having some major kitchen remodeling done right now and so everything is kinda fucked up and out of place. And no, I haven’t had a chance to use my Betty Crocker Bake’N'Fill yet, but maybe if a certain BF is very good then Santa might bring him a giant cake filled with pudding. We’ll see.

Love, J-Mo

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