Top Chef Recap: Big Bad Bullying Bitch

Hiya ‘Gasmii. These days I notice that people on reality TV seem to be tossing around the word “bully” a lot. As in, if you get super drunk and annoying to the point where your seven other young dumbass roommates tell you to STFU, sober up and have a little respect for them, then they are “bullying” you. OR, if you have a fake multi-million-dollar wedding (in which everything… including a go at the bride’s vagina… can be had for a price) and you get called out for it, then the media is “bullying” you. OR, if you go around telling everybody who will listen (and even those who won’t) that your soon-to-be-swingin’ hubby often treats you like an inflatable bop bag (and you kinda act like one, because you keep popping back up for more abuse) and then one of your asshole friends brings it up on TV, then they are “bullying” you…

This is just plain wrong and it needs to stop.

In reality TV, if someone says something you don’t like (such as pointing out your insanely narcissistic and self-centered behavior) it is not “bullying”, it’s “common sense trying to break through”. The true definition of the word “bully” says “a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people”…

and this is the picture next to it

We’ve all been bullied at one time or another in our lives. Some of us more often than others and for a longer period of time…

mostly because some of us had long, luxurious blonde hair,
wore peace symbols, crosses and keys for earrings,
and knew all of Janet Jackson’s dance moves by heart

Ok, so maybe I was kinda asking for it. My point is, you grow up and move on… and then you learn the worst Life-Lesson of all time, which is: Bullies Don’t Disappear When You Become An Adult, They Just Get Bigger, Meaner And Uglier…

Dragon-Breath™ optional

Well, it took us seven full episodes, but tonight on Top Chef we finally see the true depths of soul-chilling depravity that some people are willing to sink to in order to win some money on TV. I’m just glad these chefs are finally making an effort. But first, let’s rewind a little to what happened last week, where we learned…

that Ty-Böre is willing to take it up the ass from for the entire team

that Fag Hag Heather only gets happy for non-Asian food

and that a lot of this poor guy’s relatives died for nothing

The chefs are rather subdued back at the Glorified Motel 6 Room™, and Divot Diva Nyesha echoes (as they all proceed to hit up the wine) that it was a hard night to get through. She is especially disturbed by how “harsh” Fag Hag Heather was towards Bore-verly, and thinks her behavior says a lot about her integrity. She’s about to find out she didn’t know the half of it.

Meanwhile, Ty-Böre’s saying he’s been a bottom too many times…

guys are saying it’s like fucking a Thanksgiving turkey

Whoopsie, I misheard, he’s saying he’s been in the bottom too many times. I happen to think both are true. Anyhow, he claims it’s been a “humbling” experience and realizes he needs to showcase the chef he really is in order to stay in the competition. You know, as opposed to the chef he’s been showing us so far, the one who is kind of a cocky know-it-all and who then proceeds to leech all available moisture from his food before serving it.

Suddenly, Ninja Eddie sobers up enough to remember how to count and he realizes there are only 12 chefs remaining. He dubs his fellow leftovers “The Dirty Dozen”…

what this name lacks in originality, he makes up for by taking it literally

The next day they reconvene at Le Cordon Blew to meet with with Scar and Cowboy Cook Tim Love…

who looks more than ready to chew some asses

Behind Cowboy Love is a buttload of tequila…

and I’m keeping true to my word by refusing to help with Product Placement™

Ninja Eddie thinks having Cowboy Love and tequila together sounds like “a great way to spend the morning”. And he’s right…

this is me and the BF having TequilaFace™ at 9am

Look how happy we are, and we don’t even have Tim Love with us! So anyways, today’s QuickFire Challenge is for the chefs to make a dish to pair with the tequila of their choice. About the only thing I like to pair it with is some margarita mix and Midori and maybe some tortilla chips but that is why I have nothing to do with this show other than making fun of it.

Ty-Böre has a huge grin on his face, because he loves him some tequila, and of course he has been to Jalisco, Mexico where tequila was invented by Cocky Chewy’s Dad is made…

sadly, his TequilaFace™ is not nearly as sexy as mine or my BF’s

Cowboy Love makes my jaw drop open when he claims that good tequila is meant to be sipped like wine (not slammed as quickly as possible, like the rest of us tend to do) and invites the chefs up to have a “tasting” so they can get shitfaced decide what variety of it they’re going to use. The winner gets $5,000.00… but no immunity. OH, and they have only 30 minutes to both taste and cook, so by the time they try all the tequilas and cook something, they’ll be too wasted to care what the judges say…

everybody wins

GroanyBooger name-drops her mentor/boss Tony Mantuano (a.k.a. Tobama from Season Two of Top Chef Masters) and says that they have a tradition of always having a shot of “blanco” tequila at the airport whenever they fly anywhere. Funny, that’s actually a big part of my Personal Pre-Boarding Process™ which consists of equal parts Cuervo and Clonazepam (I don’t fly well at all). Anyhow, Booger’s decided to make a fennel risotto and seared sea scallops. Jesus, Italian food again? She better not let Fag Hag Heather catch her doing that…

or she’s likely to be labeled “boring”

Unsurprisingly, Penis-Hair says he loooooves tequila…

well, that’s one way to explain his don’t-give-a-fuck styling

Also unsurprisingly, Koreantuckian Ninja Eddie says he’s far more familiar with bourbon. Way to be versatile, dude. I’m guessing that’s Eddie’s subtle way of saying he’s not making any lists of things to buy with $5,000.00. Meanwhile, Ty-Böre has decided to do a version of a dish that he “fabricated while [he] was on the beach in Thailand”…

because when you’re this awesome, you can’t just say “I’ve made this at home before”

I find it interesting that Ty-Böre proclaimed himself the Grill Master Of Amurrican Steaks™ last week, and this week he suddenly says that his style of cooking is “warm, Southeast Asian flavors”. Hopefully his time spent in Thailand will serve him better than his two years of steakhouse experience did.

Chris Scary is talking about his oyster dish, but judging from the amount of Fan Favorite votes he’s getting after having had a grand total of four minutes of airtime this entire season, I’m guessing nobody really cares what he’s saying…

shhhh, just buy some more hair gel

Instead, let’s see what that lazy-ass Bore-verly is up to…

At least she wasn’t waving her knives around. Anyhow, Bore-verly is using oysters, too, and she’s going to use some green tea in hers, which is kinda Asian-y, so…

naturally this earns a glare of bored hostility from Fag Hag

On the other side of Nutsville, DaCody Diablo is working with a tequila named after a historic year and plans to serve it with a simple pan-roasted lamb chop, she is convinced the pairing of the two is working out beautifully…

the judges better think so, too, or someone’s gonna get cut

Naturally, Mousy Lindsay can’t let this challenge go by without reminding everyone that she lived in Mexico for three whole years and is very “comfortable pairing tequila with food”…

a.k.a. “really into pairing alcohol with life”

We haven’t seen much of Penis-Hair this episode, but it’s usually pretty easy to find him…

just follow the flames

And no, I wasn’t referring to Ty-Böre. Speaking of Ty-Ty, he’s cooking nearby and snots privately to us that he noticed Penis-Hair overcooking his chicken breast, and thinks it could spell trouble. At first I thought this was kind of a shitty thing for him to say, but then I realized…

overcooking stuff is the one thing he’s been good at so far

We haven’t heard much from TexAsian, mostly because he’s a sweet kid and he doesn’t stand around glaring at people because they’re cooking stuff he doesn’t think is appropriate. He is noticing Ty-Böre’s use of clams in his dish, and thinks this is a genius choice because salty, briny and sweet goes well with tequila…

it makes more sense than pairing a skull cap with summertime in Texas, kiddo

As time runs out, Penis-Hair is looking down at his dish and thinks his sauce and puffed quinoa are tops, but fears he may have “rushed” the cooking of his chicken boob and fears it may be “dry”…

he should be more concerned that it looks like it crash-landed at the end of his plate

Oh well, they’re gonna start with Ty-Böre first…

who already drank half their shot

Here’s where I know that I’m an idiot when it comes to food, because I cannot look at “fish caramel sauce” without thinking of Gorton’s battered filets covered in melted Kraft caramels. And then I retch a little. A strangely not-retching Cowboy Love mildly praises the sweetness of the clams, so it seems they liked Ty-Böre’s pairing. Now they get to move on to Fag Hag Heather…

if this fails it’s gonna be Bore-verly’s fault for sure

strangely, this is also reminding me of Gorton’s battered fish filets, minus the caramel

Cowboy Love seems to be having a hard time with the actual pairing part of this dish, but it doesn’t stop him from finishing the tequila. He may need it to get through the rest of this episode as they head towards Bore-verly’s station…

ahhhhhhhhhh, it’s too Asiaaaaan

After eating Bore’s oyster, Cowboy Love says it is interesting, he seemed to find the smoky flavor intriguing…

meanwhile, across the room, Fag Hag is sending her own special non-verbal messages of love and encouragement

To be fair, I’ve been through five seasons of Magical Elves’ Editing™, so it’s anybody’s guess when that footage was shot, or what Heather was really sneering at. But it was prolly Bore-verly. Let’s check out Groanybooger’s Airport Tradition…

sadly, it really does look a lot like the mens’ room of Concourse B at Sky Harbor

Even more sadly is the face Cowboy Love is making as he eats her dish…

like he’s gonna need the mens’ room of Concourse B at Sky Harbor

We also get a clip of Scar gulping down the rest of the tequila, LOL. Man, they better move on to somebody a little more authentic in their tequila-usage, like Party-Girl Mousy Lindsay…

whose dish clearly represents waking up in a puddle of your own filth in Tijuana

It would appear that Ninja Eddie also used the anal tequila for his decidedly menstrual dish…

this is what really killed Kim Jong-Il

When Ninja gets to the part where he describes the cactus and mango salad his lettuce wrap enfolds, we get more Constipation Face™ from Fag Hag…

it’s beginning to smell a lot like Korea in here

I guess Fag Hag just ♩ain’t a paaaaart ♫ of the ♪ AsiaNation. I’m not so sure Cowboy Love is, either, because all he says to Ninja Eddie is that it’s a “very interesting pairing” before they haul ass over to Penis-Hair…

and his dry edible wreckage

Penis-Hair gets told that it’s a “playful dish” by Cowboy, and now Ty-Böre is the one who looks mad. Maybe he’s jealous that Penis-Hair might be going after his Anti-Moisture Tiara? Who knows, let’s take a look at Jobless Grayson’s offering…

or maybe we should call it a sacrifice instead

Jobless is pretty cute when she lets Cowboy know up front that she never has tequila cuz she’s a beer-drinkin’ Wisconsin gal. Hopefully she gets to stick around for the Schlitz Challenge. Time to check in with Chris Scary…

who wants to block their access to the tequila entirely

Ugh, he’s another one who is still in love with feeding people bubbles and calling it “air”. HATE. However, Scar and Cowboy Love seem to like it, because they agree it makes them feel like they’re at the beach. That’s pretty good considering they’re 300 miles from the nearest one. Then Scar gets all creeped out because Scary is clearly thinking about her all oiled up in a bikini and they flee into the crazy-eyed arms of DaCody Diablo…

and her grassy stool sample

I can’t even begin to explain what that dish is, but thankfully Cowboy Love is able to explain that medjool dates are really sweet (only he makes that sound like it’s a bad thing). And that’s all we get to see, but thankfully we’re almost at the point where everyone’s QuickFire Dish will actually receive airtime…

sorry TexAsian and Divot Diva

Wellnow, who sucked big blue agave hearts? Why Fag Hag Heather is the first, Cowboy Love says it felt like she just wanted to drink tequila and make a rock shrimp dish, and then he kicks her in the crotch when he compares it to a new special at a…*gasp*… chain restaurant…

welcome to T.G.I.Fuckyou’s

Also feeling the Love Hangover is Penis-Hair, for his bone-dry chicken boobs, and GroanyBooger for weird flavor combinations with the tequila and for her risotto being slightly undercooked. GroanyBooger is pissed at that, and fumes that she’s trained with “experts” in Italy on how to make risotto, so she’s not about to change how she makes it just cuz some dumb drunk hick hottie with a sexy accent, a cowboy hat and a penis doesn’t like it…

translation: my $5,000.00 luxury vacation just flew away

And on the plus side, Cowboy Love likes Chris Scary’s oyster dish, especially since the Blanco tequila is hard to properly pair with stuff. Mousy Lindsay’s Booze-Cruisin’ days in Mexico appear to have paid off as well, her salmon was especially nice… and rounding out this week’s Shotmasters is none other than Ty-Böre, for his spicy contrasting clams… and tonight’s big winner winds up being… Ty-Böre!…

who immediately drops to his knees to begin thanking Cowboy Love

How awesome for Ty-Ty to be good at something for a change! I’m happy for him, too… right up until the point where he says he’s gonna make sure he fights to stay and show his food is “rockin’ off the chart”. Ugh, cheeseball declarations like that cancel out the growth of goodwill every time, and now I’m right back to just being mildly annoyed by him.

So what is today’s Elimination Challenge, Scar? “Hopefully you like who you’re standing next to because we’re pairing you in teams!” Everyone seems pretty cool with this, or at least carefully neutral…

with one (literally) glaring exception

Yes, Fag Hag is here to tell us in no uncertain terms that she would have rather been paired up with a dead agave plant than have to spend time with Bore-verly. She thinks Bore is not a “team player” and has “seen selfish behaviors from her” and, worst of all, sneers that “She doesn’t think like a chef!”…

you know, all angry and bitter and full of inexplicable rage and stuff

Oh, this should be fun. Is anybody else not buying the randomness of this moment? Or are you all like me and thinking that right before they filmed this scene, the chefs were carefully arranged by a production assistant to make sure things wound up in this potentially explosive fashion? Whatever, drama has been ensured, let’s hear what else Cowboy Love has to say. He’s having a gay dinner party? Ah crap, it’s a game dinner party at his restaurant, and each pair has to cook one course of some kind of wild meat. Divot Diva surprises us by saying she loves to shoot stuff and cook it…

while I wish she’d surprise us by using some moisturizing product

Anyhow, Cowboy Love says he’s inviting a bunch of his friends from all over the country to eat and judge the food, and in walk a bunch of chefs, some of whom I recognize (such as Anita Lo, another alumnus of Top Chef Masters Season 2) and others who are not quite as famous…

such as Hippie Galifianakis and Depressed Jewish Guy here

Chris Scary helpfully informs us that these two are from L.A. and they are known as John And Vinny From Animal. I knew Muppets were going to come into this somehow! In any case, these two are apparently superbad-asses and Scary wants to impress them so the next time he goes into their restaurant they’re not snickering about his fat ass how he’s the one who served them a horrible dish.

There is no knife block, Scar is just assigning products willy-nilly: Divot Diva and DaCody Diablo have to cook venison, TexAsian and GroanyBooger get squab, Jobless Grayson and Penis-Hair land elk, Scary and Mousy have boar, Fag Hag and Bore-verly get duck, while Ninja Eddie and Ty-Böre will cook quail. Wait, these are supposed to be a challenge? Quail and duck? Have them cooking up some skunk, or mountain lion, or a platter full of voles and then it’ll be a challenge.

But then it becomes clear why they didn’t bother choosing some more out-of-the-way game meats… because the real twist is that the chefs will also be judging each other’s food. GroanyBooger says she hopes people “won’t put personal relationships in the middle of judging… but karma’s a bitch!”…

and karma’s not alone

The chefs will have to decide on which three teams are the least favorites, and those three teams will be sent to Judges’ Table… where both members of the losing team will get booted. The winning team gets to split $10,000.00. Which is about how much they’ll need, cuz they’re headed off to Whole Paycheck Market again.

For once, something semi-interesting is happening here (other than people running around with shopping carts and yelling at the butcher). Fag Hag has begun the systematic destruction of her own team by digging in her fucking heels on everything that Bore-verly suggests: Bore wants to make a duet of duck, Fag Hag doesn’t want to call it a “duet”, Bore suggests using pistachio nuts, Fag Hag thinks that’s too much, Bore leans down to get ahold of some fresh spices, Fag Hag tries to run her down with the cart. It’s all very aggressive-aggressive on Fag Hag’s part and her tone remains icy throughout.

Bore-verly seems to be taking it all in stride while making ginormous understatements like “Heather’s definitely bossy, which makes communication very difficult for me.”…

translation: Heather is ready to body-check Bore out of the store

Bore is insisting that she is definitely a team player and hopes the two of them can work together well enough to make a good dish. Or at least a dish that won’t make any of these high-end chefs wish they were at Black Angus instead.

Meanwhile, the crazy light of a Half-Baked Idea™ is radiating from Penis-Hair’s eyes as he tries to convince Jobless Grayson to let him make some kind of sweet potato ladder or fence or gazebo or some such shit. Alls I know is that I heard him say something about using “an old carpenter’s technique” (!!!) which involves overnight soaking of the taters in salt-water so they become flexible. Jobless just cuts through his line of bullshit, “Okay, you promise the shit is gonna be bangin’?”…

have you forgotten how awesomely my chicken cigars went over?

Penis-Hair reassures her by insisting this chain-potato crap is something he’s “done a hundred times”. I would have immediately raised a concern about what sweet potatoes are going to taste like after they’ve been soaking all night in a salt bath, but I’m guessing Jobless is too busy trying to keep Penis-Hair from staring down her cleavage and popping inappropriate boners at random.

They now have 3 hours to cook back at Le Cordon Blew. So far everybody seems to be happy and working together, they’re trusting in each other’s skills and passion for cooking. Even Fag Hag and Bore-verly seem to be in harmony with one another.

KIDDING! Fag Hag just can’t help herself, she’s warning Bore not to make the duck taste “too Asian” because that’s not her style. “And I’m not goin’ home, Bev!”, she quasi-threatens. Privately she reminds us for the skillionth time that Bore cooks “pan-Asian” and that her own style is “American farm-to-table plates” which apparently is a rigid enough discipline that the two culinary points-of-view are guaranteed to be yin and yang until the end of time. Fag Hag also makes sure to let us know that she is concentrating on making “her” food really great, which doesn’t exactly sound like a teammate-y attitude. Then she proceeds to harangue Bore some more about what she’s doing, how she’s cooking, where she’s standing, and what she’s thinking, and above all she is damned well making certain that Bore isn’t naming their dish something that makes it sound “completely Asian”…

really? cuz I was gonna call it “fuckysuckyfivedolladuck”

Ninja Eddie is quietly looking and listening to the browbeating going on. It’s clear he’s not liking this at all, especially since he respects Bore-verly as a chef, “And honestly? Heather’s being a complete bitch.” And it doesn’t stop in the kitchen after their first three hours are up, because once the chefs return to the Glorified Motel 6 Room™ and sit down to continue mapping out their strategies, Fag Hag starts in again with dismissing Bore’s ideas out of hand and directing her on how to do everything…

could you take smaller breaths, please? not liking how your nostrils are flaring at me

Bore is commenting how “abrasive and controlling” Fag Hag has been towards her all day, and I was about to make a smart-ass comment about that when she drops the bomb that she was once in an abusive relationship with a guy who apparently both brow- and regular-beat her. She says one day she waited until he left for work and then she grabbed all of her stuff and ran away…

hopefully she put a can of hairspray in the microwave on her way out the door

Instead of getting super-weepy, Bore says she learned a lot about being strong, and has a great relationship with her husband, and Fag Hag can suck it. She may have said one of those only in her head.

The next day they are cooking in what appears to be a kitchen the size of the one in my first apartment. Oh, you guys would have loved the kitchen in my first apartment, because I not only made a lot of good hearty morning-after breakfasts for guests there, it was also the place where I got an awful lot of… well, let’s call them “thank-you gestures”… for my morning-after breakfasts. That’s part of the reason why the dishwasher door never shut properly. Anyhow, the chefs have set up camp to cook for the next 90 minutes over at Cowboy Love’s restaurant The Lonesome Dove.

Fag Hag says this would normally be plenty of time for them to cook and plate their duck boobs, duck leg and duck jus, but Cowboy Love’s kitchen is both teensy and superheated. Scary says the water on the floor is coming from his face…

that better just be “water”

No matter how hot it gets in there, Fag Hag is keeping a close eye (and an über-critical mouth) all over Bore-verly, which is really pissing me off, so let’s go look at something else for a bit. I know! Let’s check back in with Penis-Hair and see how his super-mega-awesome sweet-potater carpentry is coming along…

this is body-language for “everything’s cool”, right?

Well, well, well, wouldn’t you know it… although he has done this “a hundred times” for some reason his taters did not become pliable overnight, and instead they remain brittle and now Penis-Hair can’t make his little chain link fences. Which, BTW, were not even a main component of their elk dish, but only a garnish. That’s right, he spent all that time and energy making the equivalent to a sprig of parsley next to your steak, or the cherry on top of your fruit cocktail. Jobless Grayson’s trying not to be all Mrs. McObvious and task him with having fucked up the sweet potato, but she can’t help it, he’s fucked up the sweet potato, and even he admits he might have screwed them badly. Now instead of making a useless chain-link fence made out of taters, he’s just gonna have to make some boring old regular-shaped fries.

Daddy Tom shows up in Cowboy Love’s dining room with Scar, Hughnibrow and the smattering of high-end chefs, and he seems excited to have his road-kill dinner. What’s not fun is watching these dinners get made, because Fag Hag is still micromanaging Bore-verly, and barking orders at her like she’s some kind of junior culinary school enrollee… which, as I suspected, is exactly how she views her: “Beverly asks a lot of questions like a sous-chef would ask…”

or, you know, like a teammate who’s trying not to step on your fucking toes would ask

Case in point, Bore’s asking about putting some onions on their dish, Fag Hag thinks that’s great, but after trying it, Bore says she doesn’t like it. Fag Hag’s response?: “This is part of my rustic style, so we’re gonna have to compromise…”

by which I mean “we’re gonna have to do it my way”

Ah well, let them duke it out in a few minutes, right now the first timer has gone off and that means Mousy and Scary are about to present their boarmeat…

pork’s ugly cousin

Jon the Depressed Jewish Guy from Animal Restaurant thinks if they would have left their marinade off the dish, the boar would have shone better. Daddy Tom says he likes the slaw and the texture it added, and he actually likes the marinade. All in all, he says it’s a nice plate of food, but not really very exciting.

Back in the kitchen the other chefs are having their turn tasting Scary and Mousy’s dish. GroanyBooger calls it “a fun, elegant way to do barbecue”, but TexAsian says for him the slaw is a little watery. Naturally, he says this just as Scary and Mousy return from the dining room, and hearing his comment makes Mousy feel all oogy inside…

not to mention gassy

Jeez, Mousy, a little watery slaw and you’re ready for a violent Camille Grammer shit? Get ahold of yourself, girl! Anyhow, after some more badgering from Fag Hag, Bore-verly finally gets their duck boobs and legs plated and they go to present their dish…

which is totes Pan-Asian Farm-To-Plates Rustic-Origami™

Some bald-headed dude named John Currence says he doesn’t like the way the picked cherries are working within the dish, and Hughnibrow wishes they had rendered the fat on the duck breast until it was crispy, instead of rubbery like it is now. Hippie Galifianakis From Animal snots that it was too safe, and if this was him in this competition, he’d be really trying to push himself…

but as you can see, I’m already awesome enough, so thankfully I don’t have to fuck with being on a Bravo TV show

In the kitchen, TexAsian immediately notices the lack of crispy skin on their duck boobs, but when Bore and Fag Hag actually make an appearance in the room, GroanyBooger is rhapsodizing about how “perfectly” the meat is cooked, it’s just sooooo tender…

Bore looks like she believes it, but not Fag Hag

Remember how Penis-Hair couldn’t make his awesomely edible potato-fences, and had to switch to just making plain old fries? Well, he couldn’t even do that part right, because as Jobless Grayson is plating them, she’s noticing they are completely limp, uncrispy, and downright soggy. Even more sadly, she apparently has to remind Penis-Hair not to sweat all over the plates. Wait until you see this…

yes, that’s some sweet potato intercourse on a bed of elk

Hey, if you can’t make it look like architecture, make it look like blocky penises fucking square vaginas. Scar notices the odd little tater-orgy going on and asks if there was any reason they cut them in those shapes. Because he is more of a dumbass than anyone ever guessed, Penis-Hair actually tells her about his failed “elaborate technique” that didn’t work out… but before he can go any further down the Dipshit Path, Jobless interrupts, asserting “It is how we wanted it to be! We just wanted to get height, and we accomplished that.”…

see, the judges totally bought it. that makes liars out of both of us, Grayson

I can’t blame her, though, Penis-Hair was being a complete fucktard, and as they make their way back into the kitchen she lets him have it, “Don’t fucking tell them shit like that!” I’m actually kinda shocked she didn’t smack him a few times on the top of his head.

Back in the dining room, Cowboy Love says his piece of elk is seasoned well and is very tender, but one of the other chefs said the second the plate hit the table he was transported back to a 1982 banquet menu with little cubic genitalia spread out over everything. Back in the kitchen, Jobless tells Penis-Hair they are prolly going home, so she wants him to shut up and not say a word about how much their dish sucks. Fag Hag praises their elkmeat, too, but we don’t hear anybody proclaiming the sexiness of their horny orange garnish.

Back in the active part of the kitchen, GroanyBooger made some sausage and it’s not working out right, and also…

we find out Ty-Böre’s been spending too much time around Ninja Eddie

Meanwhile, Divot Diva has been making another attempt at a gratin (maybe to erase the terribleness of Whatsherface’s) while DaCody Diablo is trying to get their venison to cook properly. After taking it out of the oven for the 75th time this is how it looks…

would you believe this is undercooked?

Apparently venison is the only meat that you cook until it is dead-black and then you still have to cook it some more. DaCody is freaking out about it, and Divot Diva is trying to calm her down, but I have a feeling they’re headed for Bikini Bottom.

Now it’s time for the Sideways Mouths Ninja and Ty-Ty to serve their quails…

sans pornographic veggies

Cowboy Love is very impressed, saying the quail really shines, and Anita Lo agrees, saying they’ve managed to bring all the earthy qualities out of the dish. Back in the kitchen, we get zero reaction from the other chefs, other than seeing them hi-fiving Ty-Böre and the Ninja.

Still marinating in the Freak-Out Zone™, GroanyBooger appears to be pulling a bunch of wet condoms out of a pot of water…

rubbers gone wild

Ugh, isn’t that an appetizing sight? Apparently those are her handmade sausages and they haven’t cooked all the way through so she’s gonna start all over again. I think she should switch from the Magnums to the regular Trojans myself. And speaking of uncooked, DaCody Diablo is now plating that blackened venison, and you can see now that the inside is rare/raw. Divot Diva is not happy about it, either, she trusted DaCody to do this part of the dish, and now there’s no going back to recook it because they’re out of time. “That should never happen at this level!” moans Diva…

nor should your meal be attempting to leave the plate

Cowboy Love says the flavor of the undead deer is nice, and Daddy Tom likes the texture of the gratin, but they’re all noticing the meat is undercooked, even by sushi standards. We also hear Fag Hag echoing this sentiment in the kitchen, and poor DaCody is feeling terrible about the entire situation…

or maybe she’s happy and relieved, it’s hard to tell, she always looks like this

Well, it looks like GroanyBooger got a whole new set of meat-filled condoms working so she and TexAsian finish plating barely in time…

funny how theirs looks just as raw as the last one

Depressed Jewish Guy From Animal says he liked the taste of the sausage with the nectarine, but Anito Lo wishes there had been more caramelization of the squab skin, and Daddy Tom agrees the presentation is sloppy and rushed here. And speaking of sloppy, GroanyBooger is back in the hot little kitchen having a slo-mo meltdown over her sausage not being the way she wanted it to be, she makes it every day at work and it always turns out, this is not normal cooking for her, this is the haaaaardest thing she’s ever doooooone…

and where is TrojanMan™ when you need him to wrap your sausage right?

Watching someone else burst into hysterics is comforting to Bore-verly and she encourages GroanyBooger to cry and let it out, “We all handle stress differently!” She’s about to find out that some people handle it by trying to skewer you, but that’s still a few minutes away.

Scar arrives and only asks to see Ninja Eddie and Ty-Böre, so wow, I guess Ty-Ty pulled out a double win! Good for him, maybe now we’ll get to see his natural humility and graciousness pour forth…

could I even be any more awesome?

Personally, I feel like they got lucky with a so-called game-meat that seems to be pretty common in a number of kitchens, and that it’s very likely both of them have had plenty of experience with making quail dishes before. But nevertheless, Ninja and Ty-Böre score $5K each. And now Scar gives them a whopping fifteen minutes to go back and come up with a consensus amongst the rest of the chefs about which three teams were the worst. If you have protective covering, you might want to put it on now.

So Ty and Ninja re-enter the kitchen, the obvious winners, and Fag Hag goes for the lightning-fast ass-kiss, complimenting them on having a lovely dish and telling them they deserved to win, they were just lucky they weren’t saddled with The Selfish Korean…

she said that last part using only her eyes

With that, and awkward silence descends on the chefs, and no one wants to look at each other. Finally Fag Hag speaks up and asks how everyone wants to do this. Bore-verly says she wishes the Judges hadn’t saddled them with this, it’s uncomfortable. Jobless Grayson suggests that they just vote. Fag Hag testily snaps , “You’re not gonna vote for yourself!”, and Grayson snaps right back, “Neither will you, y’know?”…

I sense a dance-off coming

TexAsian, being such a youngster, shows incredibly well-descended testicles when he offers to start, and he immediately votes Fag Hag and Bore-verly, as well as Divot Diva and DaCody Diablo… and finally Penis-Hair and Jobless Grayson. Fag Hag voices her vote for Diva and DaCody, and Jobless Penis. Curiously she is abstaining from voting for a third team, which does not sit well with Grayson, who reminds Fag Hag they all have to pick three teams. Things start to get ugly when Fag Hag snots back, “Oh, I get what you’re saying, Grayson, you don’t have to tell me about the process, I understand.”…

I am simply choosing not to count all the way up to three

Ty-Böre calls out that they’ve used over half their allotted fifteen minutes and only 2 people have voted. Finally, Penis-Hair gets all forceful and tells them to raise their hands when he calls out the various suspect proteins. The votes wind up for elk (Jobless Penis), venison (Diva DaCody) and duck (Bored Hag, who, BTW, still refuse to vote for themselves). Ninja Eddie thinks that some of the chefs are voting based on conspired strategy, not on actual dish quality, and hilariously thinks that “the claws still haven’t really come out yet!”

Let’s remedy that right now. After the three teams re-enter Judges’ Table, Daddy Tom asks if they think they should be there. Fag Hag is the first to say hell no, she would personally serve that duck dish again in her restaurant (remember this statement in about two minutes). Daddy Tom wants to know then why they think they have wound up here anyhow. Fag Hag’s response is amazing: “Maybe because we were–.. *I* was in the top from the last challenge?”…

and people are jealous of my brand new Cloyota Menza?

LOL, Jobless is shaking her head, and Divot Diva looks puzzled at the sudden decrease of air pressure in the room as Heather’s ego fills all available open spaces. Daddy moves on to Diva and DaCody, saying he’s sure they know exactly why their dish was not successful. He thought it was delicious and liked the components, but the meat was just way too undercooked. DaCody says it was either put the raw meat on the plate or nothing at all. Scar wants to know why Divot Diva never thought to go check on DaCody’s progress and see if she needed help. Diva is embarrassed that she didn’t check sooner, because by the time she found out, it was far too late to fix it. DaCody is now in tears.

Moving on to Jobless Grayson and Penis-Hair, Hughnibrow thought their meat was well-cooked, but the porno-potatoes made him go all Terri Schiavo*…

aaahhh waaaa?

Penis-Hair says in retrospect he realizes he should not have put those pieces of soggy shit on the plate (my description, not his) and Daddy Tom clocks him for only wanting it to be there so he could show off his stupid chain-link fence trick. Penis lamely tries to claim he really did think the flavors would go well together. Nobody responds to that, and Penis-Hair stops talking.

*time warp to 2005 humor!

Turning attention to Bore-verly, Daddy Tom asks why she thinks they’re there. Bore starts to answer, but Fag Hag cuts her off and says they were trying to balance two chefs on one plate. Cowboy Love says his first bite of the duck leg was good, but the breast needed a few more minutes of cooking time. Bore believes the duck breast, although not crispy, was still very tender. Daddy Tom says it wasn’t so much a finished dish as just a collection of ingredients.

Fag Hag is looking more and more angry, and can’t keep quiet any longer, as she now spills the beans about the fact that she and Bore-verly haven’t seen eye-to-eye throughout the entire competition. Bore is nearly struck speechless…

못생긴 뚱녀 무서운하고 미친 짓이야!

Then, in what has to be one of the least-relevant rants I have ever heard on this show, Fag Hag starts attacking Bore-verly, saying that their “work-ethics” are completely different, especially in the last challenge. She proceeds to drag up Two-Day Shrimp-Gate 2011™ all over again and tattle to the judges about how she felt Bore was being selfish and unhelpful to the team. Bore is dumbfounded and says that while Fag Hag did help her with deveining some of the shrimp towards the end, she never asked for the big woman’s help. “No, your team-mate did.” smirks Fag Hag…

oooh, girl, I think you can safely say that you now see the Fan Favorite check getting smaller and smaller in your rearview mirror

DaCody Diablo speaks up and says she’s not comfortable hearing this, she believes Bore is a hardworking and strong chef, and Divot Diva is nodding emphatically…

lest we forget

Daddy Tom is still searching for a connection in all of this crap and wants to know how this manifested itself today, did Fag Hag not trust Bore-verly? Fag Hag condescendingly claims Bore “doesn’t trust herself“, that she doesn’t have enough self-confidence to “push through and get the results“. Hmmm, results such as landing in the bottom? Cuz I think Fag Hag is (conveniently) forgetting her role in this completely.
Bore says part of teamwork is asking questions and making sure everyone’s on the same page, and she insists she has confidence, it just doesn’t show itself in the same way as other people’s. She still thinks the dish was delicious and she stands by it. And with an imperious “That’ll be all.”, Scar sends them away.

When they get back into the kitchen, the other chefs want to know what the Judges said. Hag (I’m officially dropping the “Fag” from her nickname now, I think “Hag” is more than accurate and fair at this point) says “a lot of things came up.” Um, yeah, only because you made sure to bring them up, apropos of nothing. She then turns and non-apologizes to Bore with the old standby of bitches the world over: “I’m sorry if you think I hurt your feelings, but that’s the truth.” She goes on to say she didn’t call Bore out in the last challenge (I guess because she didn’t have an opportunity until today) and then she sails off into complete cuntdom when she snots “You know what? I felt like I had no say in our dish, I kept telling you I didn’t wanna do anything Asian, you didn’t listen to any of my ideas!”…

no matter how threateningly I yelled them at your face

Divot Diva points out that the Judges never said they didn’t like the Asian flavors of the dish. Hag spits back that they thought “the whole dish was confusing, and they’re not wrong!” Sooooo, does that mean she wouldn’t serve it at her restaurant now? Jobless Grayson tentatively suggests that selling her teammate out that way may not have been such a great idea. Hag gets very upset at Jobless’ choice of words and insists she wasn’t “selling” Bore out. Jobless’ tries to come up with a nicer way of saying “you tattled and tried to fuck her over” without using the whole bus cliché, and Hag is talking over her and accusing the rest of them of not helping her with her irrational vendetta speaking up. Jobless tells Hag to “just stop” and Hag snaps back at Jobless, “No, YOU stop!”…

and then everybody died, the end

Hag sounds like a nutcase as she insists every single person who has ever worked with Bore-verly on a team has complained about her. Jobless insists that doesn’t mean she thinks Bore has a bad work-ethic. Hag falls back on her old standby of the shrimp, the shrimp, the shriiiiiiimp! I said this last week, and I will say it again here (since Hag gets to bring up last week for the umpteen-eleventy-quillionth time) there were a lot of people in the challenge last week who appeared to have only worked on one thing for two days when more of them should have been helping out Ty-Böre, her continually going after Bore-verly just looks irrational and more than a little batshit cray-cray.

And speaking of batshit cray-cray, Jobless Grayson wonders privately to us why Hag is so determined to take Bore down when the end result of that would be her getting sent home as well…

like, DUH

Bore finally speaks up and maintains that ultimately they worked as a team on the dish, and every decision they made was arrived at together. Hag now switches sides again and claims she took full responsibility for the dish. After blaming Bore for having supposedly bulldozed her into Asian hell. Then finally she admits she’s pissed about being on the bottom and doesn’t want to be sent home on a dish that she didn’t have total control over. So shut the hell up about what happened in last week’s challenge, then!

Over at Judges’ Table, Scar hilariously understates, “I think clearly that the pressure of the competition is starting to wear on some of them.” Daddy Tom cuts to the heart of it all and says all Haggy’s BS about last week doesn’t matter, they don’t really care. Furthermore he says he agrees 100% with the other chefs, the right three dishes were put in the bottom. Ugh, this is leaving a bad taste in my mouth, let’s cheer ourselves up a little…

looks like my psychic predictions are starting to come true

And after all this giant pile of bullshit, it’s sad to see the team leaving tonight…

ahhhhhh, who will I get crazyface shots of now??!?!

Don’t say Haggy can fill in, cuz that’s not fun crazyface. I am really shocked, because the judges kept saying over and over how much they really enjoyed the flavors of their dish even if the meat was undercooked. And DaCody Diablo is absolutely crushed that her mistake has cost Divot Diva her shot at becoming Top Chef….

…OR HAS IT??!??!?

We all know how this works by now, so I won’t bore you with the tale of two girls, picked to go back to a house and find a creepy letter in their luggage that tells them they have one… last… shot… at… their… dream! Welcome to Redemption Kitchen, where the challenge might be to make Kool-Aid taste good without any sugar in it.

Naturally, both DaCody Diablo and Divot Diva are shocked to see Whatsherface standing next to Daddy Tom. Prolly cuz they can’t remember who she is, either. Then he introduces the other four chefs that have already been declared total losers…

a.k.a. the Penis Gallery

Today’s lame-ass challenge is for them to cook a dish using only a wok. And also a cactus. DaCody tells us that cactus can be super-slimy so it’s a tricky ingredient. Divot Diva is determined to get back in the game. Whatsherface says wok-cooking is not her style, nor has she ever used cactus in anything. I am really hating how they have started forcing the eliminated chefs to call out scripted questions to the competing chefs, all of which are either completely expository or totally inane and pointless. Let’s just fast forward to the dishes they made, starting with Whatsherface…

ahhhhh, Hag Heather would haaaate thiiiiis!

She is followed by Divot Diva…

ahhhhh, what is this, Top Asian??!??!

And finally we have DaCody Diablo…

and her smartly placed shot of Pepto

After he finishes tasting, Daddy Tom again invites the Loser Brigade to come up and glom onto the food, encouraging them to give their useless opinions about who did best. In the end, Daddy says Whatsherface’s flavors were great, the texture was nice, but he couldn’t taste too much of the cactus in her dish. For Divot Diva, he says it looked beautiful and he likes that she used the cactus juice to make her sauce, the flavor of the cactus really came through PLUS her scallop was perfectly cooked. DaCody gets props for understanding how to de-slime the cacti and her shrimp were also perfectly cooked, but in the end there can only be one Sorta Winner in this Loser’s Game…

divas need love, too

It’s sweet to see that both Whatsherface and DaCody are happy for Diva to be staying, and after the last 20 minutes of horrible shitty behavior, seeing that makes me want to cry. And speaking of tears, next week the chefs head down to Austin where this happens…

Miss Patti pays a visit and sangs

I will be crying tears of joy, because I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love me some Patti LaBelle. Y’all have no idea, but I will save those special surprises for next week’s recap.

So there we have it! What did you think of this awful episode? Are you on the side of Haggy Heather, or Bore-verly? Or Jobless Grayson for that matter? Did you feel like the right set of chefs got sent home, or should it have been one of the other teams? And how drunk do you think Scar and Cowboy Love were by the end of that QuickFire? Thank you as always for taking the time to stop by and blow precious moments looking at my terrible .gif animations. I keep trying to get better at it, but I have to admit I’m a hack, and I’m likely to stay that way. In the meantime, please feel free to leave some comment love and share your thoughts on this week’s meltdowns.

love, J-Mo

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