Top Chef Recap: Biker Brunch With Pee Wee

Hi everyone! Happy Post-Superbowl! I hope that everybody enjoyed the game, that whichever team you were rooting for won, and that Madonna didn’t crack one of her brittle osteoporotic hip-bones trying so hard to stay relevant (watch and listen for her next single, “Give Me Some Boniva” from her forthcoming album G.R.M.A.). I know, this really doesn’t have anything to do with Top Chef Texas, other than to remind us that no one stays young and fresh forever… which is why it was a little disturbing to see this week’s nearly sixty-year-old Guest Judge wobbling around on a bicycle and looking more than a little afraid of taking a fall himself…

also, beware the cyclist who rides like he’s hiding a boner

But we’ll come back to Pee Weird Herman later on, right now we need to ponder the Lessons Of Last Week™, starting with us learning…

children ruin everything

sexual chemistry can be achieved with the help of chicken salad

and having a topknot does not make you a samurai
(just like me having a big fat belly does not make me a sumo wrestler)

It’s morning at the Casa Del Cheffo, and Jobless says she is feeling crappy because Penis-Hair got sent to Casa Del Redemption Kitchen, I guess the two of them got to be really close (hopefully not the Hoser/Stalker Leah In Season Five™ kind of close) and now she’s missing her Motoman…

this raccoon eye’s for you, Penis-Hair

Meanwhile, Ninja Eddie’s just waking up and we are forced to watch him struggle out of bed with morning wood…

aaaand BAM, I’m no longer gay

For some reason he’s wearing a blazer over a button down and his pee-stained sleepytime shorts, and he staggers down to the living room so everyone else can feel uncomfortable, too…

oh look, I made tinkle-front

Mousy’s sitting there, too, but she’s happy as long as the Korean-American in the room isn’t a female named Bore-verly. Abruptly she tells us her parents weren’t “esstatic” about her decision to become a chef, they were hoping she would go into something that was “more financially rewarding” but she says they’ve always supported her…

you need to move out of the basement, Mousy, your dad clearly wants his man-cave back

So it’s back to the ole Top Chef Kitchen where the chefs find a giant pile of pancakes…

and a random Ken Doll

Oh, how I wish for a Barbie-related challenge, but it is not to be. GroanyBooger says there must be 80,000 pancakes there, and that she’s never seen so many pancakes at the same time…

at least, not since breakfast

Scar tells them that their challenge is going to be to make pancakes for their Guest Judge, and Jobless is thinking that it’s going to be some little kid or bratty child star, or possibly Miley Cyrus…

eh, same level of maturity

Yes, it is Pee Wee Herman, and he dances on a bar better than Miley Cyrus any day. Anyhow Pee Weird says he’s exhausted with biking over there and has worked up an appetite, he’s super-excited and starving and…

I. am. already. exhausted.

In any case, Scar says that the QuickFire Challenge is for the chefs to make pancakes in 20 minutes, and advises them to let their imaginations run wild. Of course, Pee Weird has to chime in that he loves pancakes… but he’s not gonna marry one (which is exactly what Michele Bachman and her ilk are afraid would happen if the horror that is gay marriage would ever be granted). Anyhow, Pee Weird continues that he’d like them to be creative, dress the pancakes up (???), make ‘em exciting, happy, funny, and most of all… delicious. Jobless breaks in here to tell us that she remembers her mom making pancakes for her and then she would go watch Pee Weird on TV. For some reason they choose to show a picture of a teensy Jobless looking guilty in a kitchen that has been tornadoed by flour…

soooo, I guess this was taken about 30 seconds before Jobless’ first spanking?

Winner gets a prize of $5,000.00 and some more dated 90′s schtick from Pee Weird. And their time starts now. GroanyBooger is whining that she hasn’t won any money yet, and she knows her fiance is expecting her to pay for their wedding, so her brilliant idea of being super-creative is to dump a bunch of multi-colored confetti sprinkles in her pancake batter…

whee

Miss Mousy is also reminiscing about her dad making pancakes while she watched Pee Weird’s Playhouse on TV, so in honor of her dad’s sour look from a few screenshots ago, she’s making pancakes with ricotta cheese and lemon. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Meanwhile, Ninja Eddie says his favorite part of pancakes are the little dot drippies around the edges that get crispy and extra-browned when you make them, so he’s using those as his inspiration.

Hey, wait a minute, what are those wispy fumevapors I’m seeing wafting out of the corner of the kitchen? Is that TexAsian? What is he doing?…

planning to shatter Pee Weird’s denture adhesive

Other things he’s having a great time doing?…

trying to blind himself

He’s actually using the liquid nitrogen in order to make “champagne dippin’ dots”, and he explains that they just got some liquid nitrogen in his restaurant and he’s been playing around with it. He asserts that “it is not a focus of what I do”, but if there’s a practical use for it (such as being asked to make something unusual for a mincing manchild), he’ll put it to work. Somewhere deep in the city of Chicago, there is a nerdy galumph of a goofball flipping off his TV set and snarling.

As for Jobless Grayson, she’s doing a more traditional ricotta/buttermilk pancake with peach compote, but she’s going to fabricate them into the shape of Minnie Mouse. My heart sinks a little for her, because this technique is something that is done on Boy Scout campouts all the time, it’s not exactly innovative or original… in fact the only difference between Jobless’ cakes and the Boy Scouts’ version is…

hers aren’t surrounded by a miasma of unwashed boystink

With only five minutes left, Ninja Eddie’s been trying to make his crispy little dot drippies nice and brown, he’s not even really making a pancake, it’s just dribbles of batter strewn across the pan. I dunno how that’s gonna work out. Also dubious, Miss GroanyBooger has discovered the hard way that you can’t just dump colored sprinkles into batter and then work them around too much, the colors will bleed and now she’s got a bunch of Pepto-Pink Pancakes™…

only these don’t relieve heartburn, they cause it

Pee Weird and Scar walk into the kitchen and Pee Weird screams “TIME’S UP!” with a weird look on his face. I’m pretty sure he barely restrained himself from doing it like this…

time’sUPtime’sUPtime’sUPtime’sUPtime’sUPtime’sUPtime’sUPtime’sUPtime’sUP

So Jobless is the first one they visit, with her pancakes that she makes sure to explain are Minnie Mouse…

if Minnie had Taylor Armstrong Terrible™ plastic surgery

That looks more like a teddy bear. Anyhow, Jobless can barely get her description out without cracking up at the quirky faces Pee Weird is making over her creation, but she’s not enjoying those faces as much when he actually starts eating her pancakes…

did you use real mice in these?

After having an extended mugging and flailing session, Pee Weird says it is “Prolly the best pancake I’ve ever had!”. Jobless giggles and they move on to GroanyBooger and her Amazing Technicolor Dreamcakes™…

done in the style of a ceiling fan

The BoogerWoman says she has never made anything like this before. Pee Weird says he’s now got a piece of confetti stuck between his teeth…

either that, or Scar just grabbed his ass

What, why are you looking at me like that? He is kinda in the age range she finds attractive! In any case, Pee Weird follows it up with “I have to say… the best pancake I’ve ever had!” Cue a sour and semi-betrayed look from Jobless…

awww, she thought he was being serious when he said it to her

Next in line is TexAsian, who not only managed to use liquid nitrogen in his dish…

he also made it look like a Pac Man murder took place

Pee Weird says he has an open mind, and TexAsian admits this is his first time ever making pancakes. Pee Weird snaps back with “Oooh, you probably can’t tell, though…. I’m hoping…”

if this sucks, I’m calling out Large Marge on your ass

Some more wacky faces later and Pee Weird says… “I have to say this is the best pancake I’ve ever had.”…

yeah, I’d say that joke is losing a little bit of it’s lustre

Now we come to Mousy Lindsay’s take on her nostalgic cake…

which has all the visual appeal of something pre-chewed

Can you guess what the critique was?…

I have to say this is the bitterest pancake I’ve ever had

Ok, ok, I may have misheard that one. Finally bringing up the rear is Ninja Eddie…

with his dribbles’n'bits

I guess we know by now that Pee Weird would have to say (and Ninja even finishes the sentence with him) that it’s the best pancake he’s ever had. Once he and Scar mince their way back up to the front of the kitchen, he says they did fantastically overall. Scar wants to know who the winner is, so of course Pee Weird says it would have to be the chef that made him the best pancake he’s ever eaten…

aaaand, dutiful yuk-yuks

He goes on to say that the winning chef changed things up and surprised him, making it original and creative, which means of course that it was Ninja Eddie!…

who just made a brand new tinkle-front stain on his jeans

So yay, Ninja Eddie finally wins some more money, snags his first QuickFire win, and says something about how he hopes this means he’s going to start “streaking late”…

and then (completely unbidden) this is the image that rose in my mind

Ewie. Time for the Elimination Challenge! Scar mentions the fact that they began this season at the Alamo and now they have to go back there. Why, you may ask? Well, normally it would be because the Alamo is a very historic site, and the location of a tragic and horrific battle between Mexico and Texas in which a lot of people were killed. But in this case, it’s a reference to the movie Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, starring Pee Weird, and he’s kind enough to give us a verbal recap of the plot: his precious bike is stolen, a psychic under the employ of LaToya Jackson tells him it has been hidden in the basement at the Alamo, he hitchhikes across the country to Texas, and then finds out the Alamo has no basement and LaToya has no clue about anything in the Universe, so it was all just a big stupid waste of time…

and I had this same look on my face the first time I saw it, too

So Scar says Pee Weird has “terrible memories” of the Alamo (not nearly as terrible as, say, Susanna Dickinson would have had, but whatever) and now it’s up to the chefs to give him some nice, new memories of it… so they have to give him a handjob make him a family-style lunch the following day. The twist is (and it’s a pretty damned big one) that Pee Weird has given each of them a brand new bicycle of their own at Casa Del Cheffo, and they will have a map to the Alamo and $100.00. The chefs will have to ride around San Antonio and find their own ingrediences… and a restaurant to cook them in. Not only that, but only one chef can cook in a restaurant at a time, so most likely they’ll need to find five different places that don’t mind some random sweaty stranger showing up and asking to cook on their equipment. This means that Ninja Eddie has to whine about how haaaard it’s gonna be to create a shopping list when they don’t know where they’re going, and how are they supposed to figure out what they’re going to cook when they don’t know what the kitchen is going to look like…

so much for your whole “streaking late” idea

And now they have ten whole minutes to talk to Pee Weird about what kind of food he likes… He prances over and tells them he likes chicken, egg salad sammiches, healthy food, spicy food, non-spicy food, American food, Zimbabwean food, Ho-Hos, vichyssoise and Tic-Tacs. TexAsian thinks to ask if he has any food allergies, and Pee Weird replies “We’ll find out tomorrow!”…

oh, and underdone risotto gives me hives

GroanyBooger would have shit her pants. The next morning at Casa Del Cheffo, early, we find Ninja Eddie has donned his backpack and is jumping up and down in the living room simulating riding a bike…

or he’s doing The Running Man

I’m not sure what this is supposed to accomplish, but when he starts noisily clomping up and down the stairs his motives become clear…

he’s trying to annoy a muzzy Mousy and groggy GroanyBooger

Eventually the chefs stagger outside in the semi-darkness to find five brand new Schwing bicycles with personalized plates on them…

shoulda said BOOGR

Everybody laughs at Mousy when she tries to put on her bike helmet backwards. Mousy says her brother does triathlons and owns several bikes, she wonders if this mistake is a little bit of karma for her having given him such a hard time about it. I think she should pay no mind to the stupid bike helmet bullshit and instead be wondering if any karma’s going to come back to her for being such a bitchass to Bore-verly?…

other than some skin blemishes and lank hair

As they pull out of the driveway, Ninja Eddie jokes that they’re like a “biker gang”…

whose scariest feature is how hard GroanyBooger is breathing

As they’re riding TexAsian tells us he often rides his bike to work, but he had an accident a couple of years ago, hit his head on the pavement and now he says if he drinks alcohol, the left side of his face gets all red…

and here I thought Asian Flushing™ was a genetic trait!

Or it could be brought on by head injury, who knows? In any case, the chefs have all agreed to go to a Farmer’s Market together, but after that, they’re totally on their own. And it looks like this is possibly the tiniest Farmer’s Market in the nation…

like two neighbors with coolers full of stuff from their backyard gardens

GroanyBooger says she has to be really choosy with what she’s picking out because, as she straight-facedly puts it: “I don’t wanna weigh myself down on the bike, since I’m gonna have to be carrying everything to the Alamo…”

and that extra weighed-down feeling would be the fault of the… fresh vegetables you just bought?

As a Fat Man™ you quickly learn never to say anything that remotely resembles a remark like that. But, self-awareness is somewhat overrated… I guess. In any case, most of the chefs are buying chicken, except Mousy who snagged some beef cheeks. Ninja Eddie for some reason is looking for shrimp. At a tiny Single Farmer Market. About 150 miles from the ocean. Surprisingly, he doesn’t find any and decides to rely on whatever restaurant he winds up at to supply him with some proteins. He hopes that by cutting short his shopping time he will find a restaurant to barge into much faster than the other chefs.

Riding, riding, riding, sunshine, sunshine, sunshine, sweat, sweat, sweat, Jobless admits she is “completely competitive” in nature…

even over little things like dental hygiene

She goes on to say that Game Night in the Schmitz Household often ends with someone in tears. I don’t think that’s such an outlandish thing, what if the game they were playing was Who Gets To Put The Medicated Cream On Grandma’s Foot Corns? Anyhow, she’s riding along (in her pretty pink and day-glo green sneekies) fairly close to TexAsian and says that they are “neck and neck”. TexAsian calls it “breathing down my neck and following me” and when they both spy a restaurant called Rosario’s, they both head for it at the same time… and TexAsian gets there first, but goes to the wrong door… and when he sees that Jobless has grabbed her stuff and is headed for the front entrance says “Fuck it!” and takes off again. “That’s not cool, especially in an Elimination Challenge like this.”…

plus, she smells like sweaty plastic and hot funk-ass right now, and I got a sensitive tummy

So Jobless Shameless Grayson goes right on inside Rosario’s and meets up with the owner, turning on her pretty smile and her big clumpy hair and her dewy breasts and her ruddy complexion and demands convinces him to allow her to cook there…

let me cook in here or I’m gonna barf. everywhere.

Naturally, because there is a camera crew following her he is a good-hearted and kind person, he lets her in to get free publicity for his restaurant use his kitchen facilities. So Jobless is all set.

Ruh-roh, i hear tuba-music playing. What could that mean? Oh lord, it’s because we’re checking in with GroanyBooger, who is lumbering around downtown San Antonio getting lost…

and holding up traffic

Meanwhile, TexAsian has managed to discover another restaurant in San Antonio (whew! I was kinda worried Jobless had landed in the only one!) and this time it’s a Belgian Bistro called “La Frite”. Assisted by the presence of his camera crew (I mean honestly, are we really gonna pretend that this part is so hard for the chefs to achieve?) he is allowed to use their kitchen. In fact, the head chef even recognizes that TexAsian’s bike is a replica of Pee Weird’s. TexAsian says this guy is super-cool, his staff is super-cool, and he can see they have really “quality ingrediences”…

such as corn starch and baking powder and Pam

So TexAsian is all set. Miss Mousy has also landed at a place called “MadHatters Tea House & Café”, and they agree to let her in to cook, but she says she needs to come back in a bit, she wants to find some more ingrediences herself, so off she goes. So Mousy is not set.

Ninja Eddie, who, if you recall, was on a Landlocked Shrimp Mission™, has discovered a restaurant… of sorts. It’s actually a bed & breakfast called the King William Manor and their lavish kitchen facilities…

look kinda like my mom’s house

I’m not sure why he settled on this small of a place when he was so desperate to find himself some shrimp, but lo and behold, their Magical Fridge Box™ just happens to have…

all the makings for a great mimosa

Yeah, no shrimp in there, so he settles for some grits and chicken breasts. Which he could have gotten at the Single Farmer Market and then gone on to find a much bigger restaurant. Smart move, Ninja. But he’s all set… even though he manages to insult the B&B owners by wondering aloud if their guests are trustworthy, since he left his bike right outside unattended…

wellll, I can see why he’s worried, ionic columns are so damned ghetto

Back over at Rosario’s, Jobless is cooking her heart out and making the best of their Mexican pantry when she notices Mousy show up looking for ingrediences. She says Mousy is screwed because she clearly hasn’t even started cooking yet. She’s not making things easier for herself as she discovers to her horror that Rosario’s doesn’t have a wide variety of grain-like materials other than rice (she’s looking for something more along the exotic lines of couscous or quinoa). Mousy finally realizes she just needs to get some shit and get back to MadHatters and start cooking because they only have two of their three hours left.

Tuba music again. We see GroanyBooger ponderously pedaling up to a place and go inside… what’s the name of the restaurant?… I can’t make it out…

is it MousyHatred?

Oh lord, I think Groany just earned herself some of that, because she’s just managed to find the same restaurant Mousy was going to cook in, and she’s already talking to the kitchen manager and getting set up, just as Mousy comes back and is told by the manager that she’ll have to wait until Groany’s done cooking. Mousy snarls back, “Oh absolutely not, we have two hours!”…

welcome to MadBitches

Mousy is pissed, and making no effort to hide it as she snaps at GroanyBooger to leave her stuff alone. She admits she’s frustrated that GroanyBooger beat her back here and laments that she ever left in the first place. Sorry, but HA HA. There are only 90 minutes left and in the end she winds up finding a slightly less dignified place to cook than the dainty tea café she originally chose…

Frank’s Hog Leg to the rescue!

It’s a much smaller kitchen than the MadHatter’s had, but she’s just about out of time and choices (plus she still has to ride back to the Alamo with everything). She still has to thaw her frozen beef cheeks and interviews that if that doesn’t happen within the next five or six minutes, she’s not gonna have a dish to serve! Wow, things look so dire for her, she might as well just give up and drop out of the competition, because there’s no way she could ever come back from all these obstacles and setbacks! I mean, not unless she was a really plucky gal and she happened to be on a show produced by the Magical Elves…

Back over in her usurped position at MadBitches, GroanyBooger’s busy working on some kind of okra dish with chicken and a summer salad with a fried chicken-skin vinaigrette. Holy fuck, she’s not making risotto? 2012 really is the end of the world! She’s also yakking a lot and saying things like “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I can’t hang!” I don’t think anyone was being sexist towards her in there, I think they were just trying to get through their shift without having an extra four or five people standing around in their kitchen, one of whom can’t seem to stop yammering. I can only imagine what’s running through their heads at this point…

shupUPshutUPshutUPshutUPshutUPshutUPshutUPshutUP

Back at the Ghetto Manor, Ninja Eddie’s worried about how hot it is outside, he’s not sure how long it’s going to take him to schlepp his stuff from the B&B to the Alamo, and he wants to keep his chicken breasts moist, so he’s decided to undercook them a little, which sounds like a brilliant idea, provided everyone has immunity to e. coli. Even better, the owner of the B&B asks him to whip up a couple of over-easy eggs for one of their guests since he’s using their stove…

that’s what you get for making cracks about my neighborhood, buddy-roo

Ninja’s reaction was rather incredulous and slightly rude, “Oh, you want me to cook over-easy eggs?” Please, the owner only asked him to make two fucking eggs, it’s not like he insisted on crepes suzette or blintzes, Eddie should just shut it…

seriously, shut it

Over at Rosario’s, Jobless is speaking gringo-accented Spanish with the kitchen staff and making a spinach and egg-yolk stuffed chicken breast with butternut squash, while the displaced TexAsian is over at La Frite working on his Thai-style chicken salad (CHICKEN SALAAAAAAD) with a Thai-basil-oil-red-curry-gastrique and summer squash. It’s like he’s making a jazzed up version of both of Jobless’ dishes from this challenge and the last challenge at the same time…

and having a great time doing it

He’s worried that it might be a little too sweet, so he’s making some insta-pickles out of cucumbers in the hopes of cutting the sweetness. And speaking of sweet, over at the Hog Leg, Mousy is being the exact opposite as she bosses the kitchen staff around and makes them wash her dirty dishes for her…

¡que puta!

Mousy’s complaining about how “challenging” working in this tiny kitchen is, and bitching about how she only has two pots to cook in and it just sucks that somebody held a fucking gun up to her head to force her to go to the HOG STAND, but she’s the kind of gal who does her best when she’s stuck with very few options and faced with a buttload of pressure…

we’ve seen this for ourselves

They’re running down the last of their time, and all five chefs are packing up food and settling their bills, preparing to bike back over to the Alamo. Jobless Grayson’s made the decision that she’s going to have to carry her chicken breasts by hand, she doesn’t want the egg yolks inside to break during transit. It’s too bad she didn’t think to steal an oven mitt, because her chicken is…

and I’m sure Chef Pants (and our other 4 straight-guy readers) agree

Wouldn’t it have been funny if they had all gone back to the Alamo and found out there was no lunch room, either? But no, everyone arrives safely, and they’ve got fifteen minutes to plate and reheat their food. Outside, the Judges have arrived, which include Daddy Tom and Pee Weird, alongside Scar and Gail Simmons…

and their battling prints

Once they’re seated, Scar asks Pee Weird what kind of food he asked the chefs to make, and he replies…

I told them to SURPRISE ME! Heh-heh!

KIDDING! He guesses there’s going to be a lot of chicken in the lunch today. And he’s right, because here it comes all at once, starting with GroanyBooger!…

I always feel like… egg salad’s waaatchin’ meeeeeeee

Next up is Jobless Grayson’s Yolky Spinach Surprise™…

which weirdly resembles GroanyBooger’s dish and is scented with just a hint of charred Jobless handflesh

Miss Mousy’s in da middle…

subtitled “I Had Dibsies On MadHatters, Bitch!”

I just want to point out that her dish was created using conscripted Mexican-American labor. So let’s move on to Ninja Eddie’s dish, which was created using conscripted Korean-American Labor…

ummm, I think I just heard a weak “bawk-bawk-bawwwwk” come from that plate

Plus, raw corn??!? Did Ninja actually cook anything today, or did those two over-easy eggs take up the whole two hours? Anyhow, bringing up the cute rear is TexAsian…

and why does all his food in this episode suddenly look like Penis-Hair’s?

The chefs leave and lunch begins, starting with GroanyBooger’s literal version of egg salad. Daddy Tom immediately points out that Pee Weird prolly had a whole different image in mind when he mentioned wanting an “egg salad”, and Pee Weird agrees, he was thinking more along the lines of a “classic” version of the dish. Gail Simmons says she thinks the eggs were cooked beautifully and she loves the “chicken skin vinaigrette”. Jesus, I hope that doesn’t became this season’s version of “PEPPERONI SAAAAAUCE!” Anyhow, Daddy Tom calls it festive and fun-looking… but where is the salt’n'pepper on it, the whole thing is really bland. Pee Weird agrees…

and then he uses sign language to tell us what he really thinks of GroanyBooger

Next, Gail says serving the beef inside the zucchini in Mousy’s dish was a clever way of presenting it (if she likes that, she’s going to lose her shit over these things you can get at T.G.I.Fridays called “potato skins”, because they use potatoes as a “vessel”, too!). Scar says she loved the vinaigrette, but that Mousy used way too much goat cheese…

oh Scar, you and your petty little First World Problems

Pee Weird likes the dish because the zucchini look like little boats, and then he kids that the beef “tastes like chicken!”, heh-heh. Scar, Daddy Tom and Gail immediately burst into uproarious laughter, because I’m sure this is the first time anyone has used the “tastes like chicken” joke…

during a cooking show

As for Ninja Eddie’s grits’n'gravy, Pee Weird likes the fresh corn, and he’s not sure what the flavor is that he’s tasting in the gravy, but he likes it. However, he mentions the chicken tastes “slightly odd” to him…

which, for him is really saying something

Daddy Tom agrees, there’s a strangeness to the texture of it, just on the edge of being undercooked. Pee Weird looks smug and says “I betcha never saw yourself saying ‘I agree with Pee Wee’ today!”…

it’s okay to agree with a gay, Daddy Tom

They move on to Jobless Grayson’s chicken pockets, and Pee Weird is super-excited, “I got a prize in mine, look!” Gail thinks it was really smart to stuff the egg yolk in the chicken breast like that, and again I have to say, if she ever decides to visit the freezer aisle at a grocery store…

her mind is gonna be totally blown

She also thinks the squash is really tasty, and Daddy Tom agrees… but he also says the dish makes sense until it veers off into the fresh salad part, he wishes she had left out all the tomatoes and other stuff on the salad. Pee Weird says he thought it was delicious but he has a lot of childhood issues with runny yolks. I’m not even gonna repeat the lame-ass joke that Daddy Tom tried to pull off after that, so let’s just wrap things up with TexAsian’s dish. Gail says she loved the way he incorporated Thai flavors into his dish, and I think I’ve begun to notice…

that Gail spends too much time around Dana Cowin’s face

Anyhow, Gail thinks the ingrediences in his dish went well with each other, but Scar says she wishes it had more heat, it was a little too sweet for her. Daddy Tom points out that the acidity of the vinegar-soaked veggies offsets the sweetness perfectly when they are eaten together. Pee Weird also points out that TexAsian’s plate is emptier than all the others…

to be fair, look back up above at his finished dish, it was kinda empty already

All in all, Pee Weird is very pleased with the lunch, everybody did something he liked. Scar asks him what he’s going to think of when he hears the word “Alamo” now? “CHICKEN!” he yells, “a lot… of chicken.” Then Scar tries “I know you are, but what am I?”, to which Pee Weird replies “I’m rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces of me and sticks to you… INFINITY!”…

pwned by Pee Weird, heh-heh!

Tonight’s vignette is…

Ninja Eddie showing his skill at camouflaging himself

And later on, we find out that BobbleHead Andy has a quartet of guests on WWHL, including Daddy Tom, and Carla “Beaker” Hall…

plus Spirit-Guides Ronda and Juanita! see?

Scar asks to see all of them. Everyone tells their funny stories about what happened to them while they were out cooking (Ninja Eddie had to make eggs, Jobless learned some new Spanish swear-words, GroanyBooger got lost, TexAsian and Mousy both lost their first choice of restaurant, etc). As for criticisms, Gail says unless you had a little bit of everything in TexAsian’s dish in your mouth all at once, it was a little sweet. Daddy Tom disliked Ninja Eddie’s method of under-poaching his chicken in beef tallow, it left it rubbery. He also thought that Jobless should not have paired butternut squash with tomotoes, which sounds vaguely vegetablacist. GroanyBooger gets goosed for having perfectly cooked eggs that were perfectly not-seasoned, and as for Mousy, well, she pretty much gets nothin’ but love… Pee Weird even asks “Who doesn’t like something served in a boat?”…

these people

Too soon? Fuck meeee, ok, I’ll try again…

these people

The only slight complaint about Mousy’s dish was her greens were a wee bit overdressed and TOO MUCH GOAT CHEEEEESE. But you know, she had such a haaaard time today, what with having frozen beef butts, and GroanyBooger annexing her restaurant, and being stuck working in a House Of Hog Legs, and putting on her helmet backwards, wouldn’t it be just wonderful if Mousy were to rise above all of that and win the challenge?…

guess what?

And that’s about how Mousy’s expression stays upon hearing Pee Weird say she won, maybe because she gets a prize package of No Money Or Trips Anywhere. I don’t even think she gets to keep the bike. Heh-HehScar also says that TexAsian is safe, so it’s Ninja, Groany and Jobless in the bottom… let’s take a moment out to check out the current Fan Favorite Bullshit…

ha! Bore is still scoring higher than her haterz!

The chefs are called back, and I can’t drag this terrible feeling out any longer, because my heart is breaking…

to quote Milli Vanilli, “Girl, I’m Gonna Miss You”

You can tell it’s kinda killing Scar to have to ask her to pack her knives and go…

and Pee Weird looks like his Playhouse just burned down

I have to say I was really impressed by Jobless and the way she fought for every single dish she ever made, it’s such a shame that after going through so much crap she’s lost her chance to become Top Chef…

OR HAS SHE????!?!?!??

After being treated to a recap of pretty much everything that Jobless and Bore-verly have ever done this entire season (we learn two things: a) Jobless has a filthy mouth and b) everyone hates Bore). After finding her callback letter, Jobless arrives at the Top Chef Kitchen to find…

Daddy Tom and San Antonio’s Most Hated™

She also catches a glimpse of…

the entire membership of The Please Take Bore Down Club

Bore herself says that Jobless is a really strong chef and the fact that she stood up for her and befriended her when everyone else was being a bitch to her really means a lot… but she’s still gonna try to beat her.

This time there is no bullshit challenge, since the winner gets to rejoin the competition, they have 30 minutes to make a dish worthy of the Finale, so GO!…

and try to stay out of each other’s way… BORE

Of course, now Hag is totally pro-Jobless, even though a few episodes ago she was telling her to STFU. Jobless has decided to make a scallop dish because she loves how they taste and enjoys cooking them. Bore has decided to go with snapper in a coconut broth, and holy shit, Divot Diva Nyesha is saying she wants Bore to win!…

great… now please, go do something, ANYTHING, with your hair

Jobless is adding bacon and pistachios to her scallop dish, which is a big plus in my book. This also appears to sit well with Hag, her new biggest cheerleader…

literally and figuratively

DaCody Diablo is bitching about Bore making Asian food again, but that whole argument is just tired, if GroanyBooger were here she’d be doing Italian, and if Mousy were here she’d prolly be doing, I don’t know, something alcoholic, whatever. Bore herself says so what, she can do Asian if she likes, she’s good at it.

What happens next kinda sucks, and deep down I’m hoping it was producer-scripted, because it just seems so ill-conceived and out-of-character (and because every single episode of Redemption Kitchen has felt this way): Bore very loudly asks Jobless “Hey Grayson, why did you get eliminated?” Jobless’ response? “Are you fucking kidding me?” This is the cue for Ty-Böre to get all butch and claim he would have told her to fuck off if she’d asked him that. Of course, this is presumption on his part that anybody would have even had to ask him why he got eliminated, everybody already knew he was the Queen Of Overcooking™.

In any case, Jobless’ only other response to Bore’s weak jibe was “Stupid.” She tells us she loves her girl to death, but she thinks Bore was trying to “mind-screw” her a little…

as she looks around for evidence of Bore-verly’s Mind-Penis

What Bore said, it sounded shitty, but I refuse to believe that it was meant in a shitty way, if it wasn’t producer-prompted (and I highly suspect it was) then I’d chalk it up to Bore’s social awkwardness and nerves. Oh well, either way, time for tasting, starting with Bore-verly…

this could be the answer to why Jobless gets eliminated… for good

Following her is challenger Jobless Grayson, she of the Big Hair and Sailor Mouth…

yet another bid for Top Scaylope

Daddy says Bore gave him a dish that he’s accustomed to with a lot of Asian flavors, punched up with the corn and coconut broth, but it was a little bit on the sweet side, he wished the mango salad had more acid, but the snapper was perfectly cooked and the broth was full of flavor. As for Jobless, her scallops were also perfectly cooked, and her flavors were “crazy unexpected”, the only downer was that the butter she basted her scallops in may have burned just a little bit, so instead of being golden-brown they were a little grayish. All in all, they were both nice dishes, but one gave him a little bit more heart and soul that the other one… and so the winner of Redemption Kitchen is…

heyyyy, why are they suddenly showing us the final scene from The Sopranos?

Oh. Suck. My. Throbbing. Dick. Magical. Elves. I don’t believe this, they make every single episode a “supersized” one with this shit, and now we don’t even get to find out the fucking winner? Ugh, HATE. Well, I guess we have to wait until the next episode, which has everyone crying for some reason, so we’ll see if they are tears of joy over seeing Jobless’ big bold spiral perm come bouncing back into the Top Chef Kitchen, or if they are tears of sorrow as GroanyBooger and Mousy’s worst nightmare comes true and they are re-saddled with Bore-verly.

And there it is! What did you think of this episode? Did you feel like Jobless’ dish was really the worst, or should it have been Ninja leaving for his undercooked chicken or GroanyBooger for her unseasoned eggs? Was it as surreal for you guys watching Pee Weird try to be a semi-serious food critic as it was for me? And what about that bullshit in Redemption Kitchen? Do you think Bore meant to be a bitch, or was she prompted for dramatic purposes? Which one are you rooting for to return to the competition? And most importantly, do you think this is a cute picture of my cat Chica?…

I can haz vaycayshun too, mommee?

Thanks again for stopping by to read this dreck, I love all comments, even anti-Bore-verly ones, and I will see everybody again in a couple of days!

love, J-Mo
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