Top Chef Recap UPDATED: Canned Peen Vs. Half Busted

OK, let’s try this one more time, so you extremely patient people can finally see this thing as it was MEANT to be seen…

Hey ‘Gasmii, let me ask y’all a question: what’s your favorite part about eating out at a restaurant? Is it a nice big menu with lots of delicious things to choose from? Is it being able to look out over a gorgeous city view? Is it having someone young and sexy bring you the food and sprinkle cheese on it for you? Destroying your week of dieting in one glorious gluttonfest? Watching bored, hostile, longtime couples eat in silent resentment? Learning useless Italian phrases while you purge in the bathroom afterwards? Eating the rest of your dinner for lunch the next day? Drinking too much? No dishes to do later? Having your date pay? Paying yourself and using the meal as a bargaining chip for sex? Having your credit card publicly declined and confiscated? There’s so much to choose from, but I’d have to say that for me the best thing about going out to eat at a restaurant is…

these people have to work there, not me

Well, we are all in for a treat. And by that, I mean a great big fucklebuckle of a time awaits us, because tonight’s episode of Restaurant: Impossible Kitchen Nightmares Top Chef Texas is the one we wait for every season just so we can watch Daddy Tom and Scar look around at the barely-concealed warehouse space they’re eating in and call it “warm and inviting”…

reminds me of home

You guessed it, tonight is RESTAURANT WARS! You know what else that means? NO QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE! SO we will be spared having to listen to Penis-Hair whine about how his Magic Pez failed to win him some expensive cookbooks last week…

taking my scrunchies and my chemicals and going home

the Voices™ are telling Bore to burn things now, but just watch, next up will be stabbytime

hmmm, I think I’ll call bullshit

At least on GroanyBooger’s second little “episode” anyhow. Let’s get right to it. The first thing we see is the chefs arriving at some kind of restaurant…

and Ty-Böre’s ass is getting itchy at the mere sight of it

KIDDING, I doctored that, the real name of the place is the PALM Door, and on the inside…

it is totally warm and inviting

And standing there to greet them are Hughnibrow and a blunted-looking Scar…

wearing enough hair extensions to clothe a horse

Jobless-Grayson is lightning-fast to pick up on exactly which challenge this is (which is amazing considering this show has been on for only nine seasons and they almost always have Restaurant Wars when it gets down to eight chefs)…

duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhey, lookit who got a job!

Whoa, when did that happen? Is this since the show? Did it happen during filming? Stop messing with my nicknames, show! Anyhow, after reminding them that Restaurant Wars often sends home the best chefs in the competition, Scar says that for the first time ever it’s going to be boys against gurrlz…

and Ty-Böre is frightened cuz technically he could end up on either team

Gee, you think someone was gunning for more camera time by doing over-surprised eyes? And it worked, cuz here he is making fakey blowjobface in my recap, LOL. In any case, this is Ninja Eddie’s cue to snot that the guys are obviously more talented than the girls, which would usually earn him some dicks being drawn on his face… except I have to love it when he says that while there’s no doubt GroanyBooger knows flavor, “We all know her weakness is barbecuing out in the sun…”…

lol, ok, that was pretty funny so you only get one photodick this time

And speaking of GroanyBooger, she says she feels great about doing ladies versus gentlemen… except for one teensy thing: she’s worried about Bore-verly because she says she’s worked with her on other team challenges “and she was a wreck!”…

says the Pillar Of Stability™ herself

Oh yeah, selective memory is wonderful when it comes to pointing out the flaws of, you know, other people. This is why I conveniently forget that I’m a big fat second-class citizen stuck in a dead-end job with no future when I’m recapping. Anyhoo, Scar says that each team will take over the Back Door Restaurant for one night only, they have to come up with a cohesive menu, name and decor PLUS each team will be dining in the other team’s restaurant! Niiiice, I guess we know whose plates are going to get extra seasonings of spider eggs and dandruff.

So then Scar flips a coin and it turns out the guys are going to go first on the following night, with the girls cooking the night after that. Hughnibrow says they have to do a 3 course menu, with two choices in each course, and they have to feed 100 people (and only 30 or 40 of them are allowed to get sick from it). OH, and not only will each team member be responsible for at least one dish, they also have to pick someone to take on the dreaded… Front Of The Bus Ride Home House! As an additional bonus, they get a total of five hours to decorate and cook, which is completely ridiculous…

don’t bitch at me, this is the eighth time I’ll have to pretend to be excited about the shitty food you’re about to serve me

I know from personal experience that this is an impossibly short amount of time just on the design end of things… I stupidly agreed to decorate for my mother’s third wedding… and even though I started early in the morning, I was still running around crazily tossing acrylic crystals on top of everything like some kind of fat hairy homosexual tornado up until the minute before she began to walk down the aisle. Never again.

Oh well, they’ve now got 45 minutes to menu plan, and $7500.00 to spend on acrylic crystals and candles at Big Lots. GO! The boys move off to one end of the bar where Ninja Eddie immediately volunteers to be their Front Of The House Man. He knows that the majority of chefs don’t want to get stuck doing that because they will get sent home just wanna cook, but he believes he’s got more experience doing it than the others because he owns his own restaurant, “and I can put on a smile just like anyone…”

granted, it’s a mega-weird creepy-ass off-kilter smile

TexAsian suggests they call their restaurant “Canteen”, which sounds like a self-help positivity group for low-income kids, but TexAsian says it means “a communal place to eat”. Fancy-schmancy. In my house we call that “the dining room”. In any case, good choice, guys, that’s vague enough to fall in line with any number of wacky food combinations.

Meanwhile, the girls have seated themselves on the floor in an unholy circle at the other end of the bar, and Jobless (Jobfull?) Grayson has nominated Mousy Lindsay to be their Door Whore, pointing out that she has opened many restaurants for Michelle Bernstein and will be great at it…

seeing this makes me hungry already

It also makes me think of Viagra. Anyhow, Jobless says she believes Mousy knows how to stay calm under pressure… what she doesn’t say is how immensely relieved she is that she doesn’t have to be the one to greet-n-seat people, because she’s likely to tell them that their food will be having sex inside their mouths and then everything will just be awkward.

As for what to call their place, Mousy suggests something with the word “bushel” in it, because they are planning a rustic, homestyle menu. She also says bushels have been very important in her life because her grandparents had a peach farm and they used bushels to sell their fruit in…

that looks like a bag, but whatever

They eventually settle on “Half Bushel” because the word “half” describes how much ass-effort they put into their restaurant name. Meanwhile the boys are discussing actual food, and someone has the bright idea to make “Crackerjack Ice Cream”…

guess who’s itching to get some more liquid nitroburns?

Ninja Eddie says he can make his special “Almond Joy” dessert, while Ty-Böre’s going to go back to one of his other areas of expertise (outside of steak over-grilling, leathery Kansas City BBQ and dry ass fritters) and make a Thai-style lettuce cup appetizer. Cuz he lived in Thailand for two years, you know. After discussing a few more things, the boys seems to easily settle and agree on their menu and now they’re done.

Sadly, over at Half Busted, the Campaign Of Terror V2.0™ by Hag Light (GroanyBooger) against Bore-verly has officially begun. After Jobless talks about a family-recipe dessert that she plans on making, Mousy wants to know what Bore plans to do. Bore suggests a braised lamb rib, but a bored-looking Groany doubts they can get their hands on any (I guess Austin is a bit of a lamb-desert?). Fair enough, Bore suggests doing a roasted beet with goat cheese, and Groany whines that they can find that on every menu of every restaurant in the universe (apparently). With an almost imperceptible sigh, Bore tries again and offers to cook a really nice plate of short ribs, to which GroanyBooger snipes “Do we want to do short ribs again?!?!”…

gawd, this is like watching The Bitchy Bunch™

Thankfully, Jobless jumps in at this point to defend Bore-verly’s choice, “Why not, she’s fucking good at it!”. LOL, Jobless. Bore herself observes to us that she’s feeling “overpowered” by the other coozybitches women chefs, they seem to be ignoring her suggestions and treating her like she has nothing valid to say, so finally after GroanyBooger tries to shoot down her short rib idea she digs in her heels a little and says “I gotta have a dish, I’m sorry.” Naturally, Groany jumps at the chance to be bitchily defensive, “That’s not what I’m saying, Bev!”…

Wait, then what is she saying? Because all I’m hearing is her complaining about and shooting down (out-of-hand) every single one of Bore’s ideas for food that Groany does not have to cook or be responsible for. This is the kind of thing you do when you’re stuck on a team with someone you hate (believe me, I recognize underhanded tactics when used far less effectively by other people, Groany’s ham-fisted approach is tacky and graceless and is only serving to make her look like a giant bitch)…

subtlety: you’re doing it wrong

Time for them to head over to Sur La Table (which is pronounced “Sir Lah TAHBluh”) and Garden Ridge (which is pronounced “Gar-dawn Reeedjjjjuh”) to pick up knick-knacks and paddy-whacks and all manner of pre-made faceless “art” for their restaurants…

this kind of thing would probably be appropriate

Then it’s off to Whole Paycheck Market, where the cycle of abuse continues, as GroanyBooger bitches at Bore-verly about anything and everything she has ever put into their grocery cart. Jobless Grayson says she feels bad, she’s getting the feeling the other girls don’t care much for Bore (what self-centered drug binge has she been on all this time?) but she recognizes that they’re all going to have to work together if they want to have a successful dinner service. Meanwhile, GroanyBooger is berating Bore about how many limes she’s trying to buy. Penis-Hair is watching all of this with glee and thinking this means the boys are in for an easy win…

only Penis-Hair could look smug while sporting the worst hairstyle on the planet

Back at the Austin Erection Motel (i know commenter JF insisted the chefs were staying at the Driskill, but I’m sorry, I refuse to believe it) both teams are spending some time planning out timelines and making lists and stuff. Penis-Hair tells us that this whole scenario is very much like the “Kobayashi Maru” from Star Trek II. Then he helpfully explains (for all of you non-Trekkies out there) that “Kobayashi Maru” is the name of an “impossible” Starfleet Captain’s test in which there is no way to successfully solve the problems presented. Sadly for Penis-Hair, I am a Trekkie, and must tell you all that he mis-pronounced it as “Kobarashi Maru” both times he said it. It’s hard to decide if he’s a bigger loser for trying to name-drop it (and getting it wrong), or if I’m the bigger loser for catching it. I’m gonna go with a little of both. In any case, the boys suit up and head on out to the Back Door…

lordy, you people should be more careful what you wish for

Once they arrive, we get to hear Ninja Eddie recapping all the stuff they have to do, and then he starts putting up “art” work for their restaurant “Canteen”…

outside-the-box! minimalist! fugly! misspelled!

Eddie says that Canned Peen is going to have a “quirky, messhall look, but with elegant touches”…

like these Gay Legos here

While the Ninja is playing with all the bubble-wrap, TexAsian, Penis-Hair and Ty-Böre are back in the kitchen working and smugly not fighting with each other. Ty-Böre’s talking about his Thai appetizer of shrimp and crab meat with it’s “lovely fish caramel sauce”. Wait, didn’t we talk about fish caramel sauce just a couple of weeks ago during the Getting-Hammered-On-Tequila QuickFire? Why isn’t GroanyBooger crawling up Ty-Böre’s overexposed ass about him doing the same thing he’s done before?…

or about why he’s ditched the use of tasting spoons in favor of sticking his whole head in the pot?

Um, I prefer my fish caramel crab shrimp Thai lettuce cups not to be seasoned with dead skin cells and stubble, thank you. Anyhow, he’s also working on a salmon entrée with TexAsian, who has another pork belly dish he’s doing. Of course, Penis-Hair is squirting some peanut butter mixed with half-and-half into liquid nitrogen so it forms these hard little piles of intricate dogshit. He says he wants to wow the judges with his “nostalgic style desserts” by playing off of their memories…

ummm, memories of eating the stuff they stepped in as a kid? I guess?

I guess nobody is going to trot out that old “You eat with your eyes first” chestnut around him, are they… poor Penis-Hair, I think he’s headed for another chicken-cigar. In any case, he is also working on Ninja Eddie’s “Almond Joy” dessert for him while he’s busy nailing some more empty picture-frames with grocery lists in them to the walls. Other things Ninja Eddie is bitching about having to do? Settimg up all the tables. And the chairs. Placing the silverware. Lining up glassware. Putting out menus. Setting up a seating chart. Training the wait staff. Cleaning the bathroom…

filling up the Anti-Stank Aromatherapy Oils™

Wait, this place didn’t come with clean bathrooms? I think Eddie’s trying to maximize his perceived usefulness here in case things go south, that way he can point to a laundry-list of achievements that include “passed out after-dinner mints” and “swiffered floors” at Judges’ Table. Ooooh, the timer just beeped, Canned Peen is now open for business!…

yes, I have your reservation right here under “Fake Customers”

Ninja had a master class with the wait staff before opening and clearly said he wanted table numbers on every ticket… but as the tickets begin to come in, he’s finding some are already missing that info and begins to get peeved. Back in the kitchen, Ty-Böre says they’re only now realizing they haven’t bothered to decide which of them is going to expedite the food, so he and TexAsian are kinda bumping up against one another in the decision-making process. He says this is a very simple problem that they should have thought about before they opened the doors…

oopsie

It looks like things are starting to get backed up, because now Ninja Eddie is having to ask people to wait in the “lobby” area by sitting on what look like a bunch of tiny Rubik’s Cubes. This is going to get very dangerous very quickly…

you take your life in your hands when you ask fat people to wait for food

Sure enough, things are going to hell at a nice leisurely pace, we overhear someone bitching that their wine is warmer than their food, someone else wants their food reheated, and that would mean that this is the perfect time…

for the judges to show up

Scar makes sure to remind us all of Daddy Tom, La Gassy and Hughnibrow’s industry creds by smarmily telling Ninja Eddie that they “know a thing or two about what they’re going through” because they own/operate a total of 39 restaurants all over the country. Eddie smiles at this and somehow refrains from reminding her that he owns his own place, too, bitch.

In any case, after he explains Canned Peen’s concept and food philosophy, Ninja leaves and the Judges start to scan the dining room. Daddy Tom observes that it “feels good” in there, and Scar says all the tables look “relatively happy and jovial”. La Gassy chimes in with an optimistic “Nobody’s screaming.” That may shortly change as we begin to see food piling up at the window and the servers looking flustered. Then the boys have the brilliant idea for Ty-Böre to come out of the kitchen and expedite the food…

there’s a newwww girl in town, and she’s… feelin’ GOOD

Scar notices right away that Ty is now standing by the serving window still dressed in his apron and wonders aloud to the other judges what’s up with that? La Gassy guesses that they are “in the trees” right now (I suppose that must be the far more severe version of being “in the weeds”) and sure enough, even with both Ninja Eddie and Ty-Böre standing there, the confusion is massive…

poor TexAsian, I did the same thing three minutes into this episode

Naturally at the absolute peak of fuckedupness it would be time…

for Ladies Night

Yup, the girls have arrived, and Ninja Eddie apologizes to them and says there’s a six-hour wait to be seated and served tonight. Too bad he’s being more accurate than he knows. Nevertheless, he seats the girls (Mousy makes sure to let Ninja know that she’s going to let him pull out her chair for her, I guess because she’s such a lady even with her weird cockneck). Finally the Judges get their food, starting with Ty-Böre’s Tour Of Thailand…

which is shaped like the actual country

The other appetizer is TexAsian’s…

which is shaped like Penis-Hair’s sexual fantasies

That is some weird-ass plating, but whatever, you wanna serve boogers in a jar, go ahead. After tasting the food, Hughnibrow says that Ty-Böre’s shrimp and crab lettuce cups fell flat, they needed acid or bounce or something. Scar thinks the shrimp were cooked beautifully, and Daddy Tom likes the fish caramel sauce (he must not have gotten any with Ty-Scäbs floating in it). As for TexAsian’s ham-and-egger, Hughnibrow says he liked the fried egg in it, but La Gassy feels the brioche was far too greasy, it’s coating his palate.

In the meantime, stuff is still getting cold in their window, Ninja Eddie’s starting to bark at people, and I have no idea where Ty-Böre went. I guess he skittered back to the kitchen, because this is the next thing we see…

is TexAsian climbing on board the Expediter-Go-Round

Scar notices his presence to the judges as well, and it would seem that TexAsian is pissed about how fucked up everything is getting. He says he’s taking control of the tickets sitting there and Ty-Böre cuts him off with a snippy “Don’t talk about it, just do it!” Well, gee, it’s just too bad that actually fixing this train-wreck didn’t happen with the last dipshit that wandered out there to expedite…

oh, right, that was yöu

TexAsian admits that he should have just stepped up at the beginning and taken control, but he didn’t want to piss off the other guys by bossing them around, and now their friendships have seriously gotten in the way of their service level. Oh well, let’s move on to the entrées, starting with Ty-Böre and TexAsian’s joint dish…

a.k.a. the silence of the clams

This is followed closely by TexAsian’s third dish (whoa!)…

jeez, overachiever much?

I bet that kid puts out an amazing amount of food when he has the munchies. In any case, Hughnibrow immediately catches that there are no mushrooms on the salmon dish, even though the menu advertises them. TexAsian is just now noticing this same thing, and it’s too late now to huck some over his shoulder and hope they land on the Judges’ plates.

Daddy Tom says he likes the salmon skin and the tomatillo salsa, and Hughnibrow says the fish and clams are cooked well, but there’s nothing “marrying” the elements of the dish together. Jesus, this is getting out of hand, even when gay people cook we can’t get stuff to be married! La Gassy also mentions that while TexAsian’s pork belly is well cooked, he wishes there was some kind of spicy slaw to go with it. Daddy Tom says he was expecting a lot more flavor out of him, especially when looking at his previous successes.

I guess we forgot about the girls being there eating, cuz we haven’t been back since they were seated. Oh, nevermind, they’re just talking about how “intense” it is to have to pull of a whole restaurant in five hours! Bleh, let’s go somewhere else and check out Ninja Eddie’s dessert…

this is missing the chocolate zits that should be on top

This is followed by the much more freeform dessert put forth by Penis-Hair…

mmmmm, melted dogshit

If that dog was here he’d be looking at that mess and thinking “When did I have popcorn?”. They start with Ninja Eddie’s “Almond Joy”, which Daddy Tom says is very tasty, and the chocolate work is well done, but he wants to know where is the damned coconut…

sometimes I feel like a nut

Me too, Daddy Tom… me too. I guess nobody is finding the coconuttiness in it, because Scar says the only thing wrong with Ninja’s dessert is him calling it Almond Joy. That’s good, because they’ve moved on to Penis-Hair’s bowl of dogshit, and La Gassy immediately says he’s not crazy about it…

he’s also not crazy about the queen standing at the bar behind him staring directly into the camera, who is she?!?

La Gassy says he just doesn’t understand the combination of peanut butter and cherries, but Daddy Tom says in a wacky way it’s working for him, maybe because it’s so salty (Motopalate strikes again!!!). They flash back to the kitchen and Penis-Hair striding cockily about yelling “This is what we always do: prep, service, kick-ass, fuckin’ go home!”…

please oh please oh please let his wish come true

Back over at the Ladies’ Table, GroanyBooger is warning the others that she plans to put her blood, sweat and cause other people to burst into tears into their dinner service, and insists they’re going to have to stay calm and trust each other. *snort* FORESHADOWING! Meanwhile, TexAsian is tasting the salmon dish he worked on with Ty-Böre and notices that while everything is well-cooked, all of it needs salt, which was Ty-Böre’s responsibility. In the dining room, Daddy Tom says for an opening night things went great but they needed to work on some of the dishes. La Gassy thought their desserts were well executed. Then Scar gives a plug for a brand new Top Chef Judges Table SmartPhone app…

this could be referring to either the food or the level of the commercials that have invaded this show

With that, the Judges leave. Ninja Eddie knows that this was not a good service, shit totally broke down on them, and Ty-Böre’s yelling that they “definitely shouldn’t have played fucking circle-jerk expediter” they should have stuck to one person. Even Penis-Hair is now admitting that they didn’t really do very well, in spite of his earlier Pebble-Yell about how awesome they all were. So, it’s back to the hotel they go…

and this is what they show, so HA, I still say they’re totally staying at the Boner inn

TexAsian is sick with grief over what just happened, he says he’s always been really hard on himself, he went to a private all-boys school and got really good grades (and possibly had a few late-night slap’n'tickle sessions he’d rather not talk about) and anyhow, his point is that his mother always had very high expectations of him, which is why he’s feeling so gross about their failures tonight. Oh, and one other thing we get to see…

TexAsian in his Penis Haircut™

Hahahaha, you know that picture is from the 90′s! PAY ATTENTION PENIS-HAIR! Anyhow, Ninja Eddie tells us that the best the boys can hope for now is for the girls to all turn bitch on each other and then hopefully there will be a blood- Bore-bath. Ahhh, Canned Peen, thank you for setting the bar so damned low.

Well, we shall see, because now it’s the next day and the ladies have arrived at Back Door to start their turn at Making A Mediocre Mess. Mousy Lindsay jumps right in to decorating by dragging a skeletal-looking dress-form up to the foyer where it will be the first thing the patrons see when they enter Half-Bushel…

this is going to send dire messages about how long you’ll wait for food

The rest of their decor looks like wrought-iron wall-sconces and antique-y tables and dressers. Mousy is determined to buzz through this setup and decorating crap because she wants maximum time in the kitchen to portion her fish and complete her other mise en place tasks. Then she starts bragging about how driven and successful she’s always been, what with graduating at the top of her college class and being chosen as her high school prom queen…

musta been a small rural high school

In any case, her point is that she is not going to accept second-best for anything. This is good to know, because it will be something we need to remember later on when Mousy really starts getting fun to be around.

Over in the far more pleasant and prettier portion of the kitchen, Jobless Grayson is telling us about the family recipe for schaum torte dessert she’s making from a recipe that the Schmitzes make every 4th of July. You know, after all she went through to get into the competition, having to work with Tyler StoneBalls, being on the bubble, getting dissed for being so young, winding up in the bottom a bunch of times, having Hag Heather harping on her, I just love her can-do attitude and her refusal to apologize for being who she is…

or for over-moussing her hair

Meanwhile, GroanyBooger’s making an arancino (pronounced “are-on-CHEE-no”) which is a deep-fried ball of risotto that’s filled with mozzarella cheese, which sounds dreamy. She’s also putting together an eggplant caponata (pronounced “I-am-making-italian-food-AGAIN-after-I-bitched-at-Bore-verly-about-repeating-stuff”). Speaking of Bore, she’s chugging along with her braised short ribs, only this time she’s using a red curry sauce on them. She’s pretty confident that they’ll be delicious, thoughtful and playful…

so fuck yoooou, haterz

Groany’s about to start working on her bomboloni (pronounced “bomb-baloney”) dough and yells out that she needs help punching out little balls of them. Mousy Lindsay nominates Bore-verly to help without actually asking her. See, Jobless and Groany are doing two dishes each, and Mousy has a dish plus her Front Of The House duties, so it’s natural that Bore should be everybody else’s bitch. OH, and she’s also making Bore a convenient scapegoat if things go wrong responsible for cooking her halibut dish. Interestingly, while getting instructions for making the dish, we hear Bore asking if Mousy wants herbs on the fish, which receives a swift no, Mousy just wants olive oil.

Well, things have been running smoothly up until this point, but suddenly GroanyBooger gets pissed at Jobless because she caught her *gasp* cutting blueberries, why isn’t she getting set up? Jobless fires back that she is getting set up to do her dishes and this is part of it. “But you can’t leave them whole?” whines Groany. Jobless snarls that she’s helped out other stuff by making simple syrup for their fucking lemonade. Groany takes offense at such harsh language being directed at her and caws back that she doesn’t need Jobless getting mad, she’s simply asking (in the most annoying, nerve-grating and irritating way possible) for her to simplify her dish as apparently sliced blueberries are too complex. Jobless says exactly what I was thinking…

and I said exactly what I bet Bore-verly was thinking

Naturally Mousy tries to defuse this dust-up by calling out a saccharine sing-songy “Graaaay-sonnnn, smile, honey, we open in 30 minuuuutes!” Privately (and you will note, not to her face) GroanyBooger snots that it would have been “smarter” for them to get their line set up first before Jobless started cutting up berries…

these blackened husks adorning the tables are the perfect metaphor for what I believe eating at Half Busted is going to be like

Bore-verly says Mousy is giving her a quick (and not overly thorough) demo of how she wants her fish dish made. Bore says Mousy’s methods are not the ones she would have chosen for herself if she were in charge of this dish, but she’s going to do it the way Mousy wants it to be done. And with that, the buzzer sounds, it’s time for Half Busted to open it’s doors!

While Mousy gives the arriving diners her best Prom Queen Grimace™, the tickets start coming into the kitchen, which the ladies have chosen not to leave visible to the dining room. GroanyBooger does not let a single chance pass her by to grill Bore-verly about anything and everything, and constantly talks down to her like she’s a five-year-old. Speaking to a three-year-old. It is completely ridiculous and condescending, and it has not escaped Bore’s notice that both Groany and Mousy do not respect her skills in the slightest, they make that clear with every interaction they have with her. Naturally, Groany does all this browbeating under the guise of everyone sacrificing for the TEAM, when she really just means that Bore should do most of the sacrificing… i.e. pretty much shut up and do whatever the hell the Boogerwoman tells her to. Bore says it’s frustrating and annoying, but she’s gonna just concentrate on banging out her dish, and I can’t blame her there.

Ahhh, the judges have just shown up. Mousy immediately runs… off to disappear into the kitchen?!?…

clearly this is Daddy Tom’s favorite part of Restaurant Wars

So what the hell is Mousy doing back in the kitchen during dinner service? Why, she’s taking her turn to whack away at the piñata known as Bore-verly, she’s criticizing how Bore has the prep table set up, she’s complaining how hot the elements of the dish are, she’s talking about how awesome it was to be prom queen. Eventually she goes back to the front of the house where she finds the Judges waiting and see they have helped themselves to some Half Busted Lobbywait Lemonade™…

yes, lemonade makes being ignored instantly better

Mousy is picking up on their subtle annoyance at being left waiting, and she says it’s haaaaard for her to seat every single table herself, she can’t be three places at once, by God somebody has to go back and micro-manage/undermine Bore-verly! So she seats the judges, and then the boys immediately show up…

nice to see Ninja and Ty-Böre dressed up

Way to klass it up, fellas, every single one of the ladies wore a nice dress to your stupid fake restaurant opening. I guess it’s somewhat justice that the boys are kept waiting, and you can see in the picture above that there isn’t even any Lobbywait Lemonade™ left for them to enjoy. My guess is because there’s been a lot of lobbywaiting. Wanna know why? Mousy’s back on kitchen-bitchin’ duty AGAIN.

Over at the Judges Table, Hughnibrow notes the closed-off kitchen, and Daddy Tom points out that there are several other people waiting to be seated, now for more than five minutes. Meanwhile, someone complains to Mousy that the halibut was overcooked, and that’s all it takes to set her off. She immediately marches back into the kitchen to relaybark the complaint at Bore-verly and command her not to overcook any more of her fish.

Meanwhile, here’s the lobby of Half Busted now…

remember that skeletal dress-form starvation warning? i think someone ate it

The Judges can’t help but notice the growing crowd and are craning their necks looking for Mousy. Eventually she shows and Scar notes that she’d be moving a little less leisurely if she saw that many people waiting to be seated. And if she weren’t already high from her nightly spliffy. Daddy Tom notes that Half Busted just doesn’t seem to have the same energy that Canned Peen did on the previous night, maybe because everyone is wondering where the hell their food is. So what does Mousy do when she has a buttload of people waiting and a hungry dining room? Head back into the kitchen again to swear at people. Eventually some servers arrive with the Judges food, beginning with Jobless’ appetizer…

and no, the white goop is not excess dripped-off hair product, it’s goat cheese

This is followed by GroanyBooger’s deep-fried rice…

and her menu items today are all about balls

Daddy Tom immediately says he enjoys the purée of eggplant, and La Gassy is liking how piping-hot the mozzarella was when he cut open the ball of risotto and it oozed out everywhere. Daddy Tom also likes Jobless Grayson’s peaches, calling it a nice flavorful summer salad, she did a nice job on it. Hughnibrow says everything melded well together for her dish…

no, really, this is his “I like it” face

Stuff is still backed up in the kitchen, and Scar calls their server over to inquire about the whereabouts of their entrées. She promises to get Mousy on top of it ASAP, and Hughnibrow makes pretty much the same face as above when he guesses that “there are heads being beaten against a wall in the back”. Sure enough, the server has caught up with Mousy and relayed the Judges displeasure, so she beelines back into the kitchen to yell “Guys, the judges are fucking pissed that it’s taking this fucking long! And then all these short-ribs that are in the window are now dead!” Nice, not only is she displaying the ultimate in professionalism and calm tact by f-bombing them, she also found a way to fuck up some of Bore-verly’s food right back!…

behold the fucking prom queen at work

GroanyBooger, whom we’ve already seen takes major offense to having anything but sweetness and syrup tossed her way, completely loses her shit: “You know what, Lindsay? I’ll go out there and face them if you need me to, I’m working as fast as I caaaaan!” Mousy drops a few more f-bombs on her just to show dominance and strides back out the serving door again. GroanyBooger says she’s getting behind on her tickets because she claims she has three different courses to fire. Wait, what does she mean by that? I thought she was doing the appetizer and a dessert? What’s this third course she is suddenly laying claim to? Is it Mousy’s fish dish? Either I’m confused, or she’s bullshitting. In either case, Boogerwoman says this is the same feeling she always gets right before the kitchen “goes down in flames”.

Maybe she means f-bombs instead of flames, because Mousy is back to yell at Bore-verly for plating stuff with a plastic spoon, she’s actually reaching into Bore’s workspace and flinging utensils around…

if it were me, Mousy would have plenty to f-bomb about, because she’d be pulling back a bloody stump

As she stomps off, she makes sure to snot to GroanyBooger that they need to find a way to help Bore-verly because “she really needs it” and I’m guessing that remark has to be about Mousy’s fish dish, because there’s no way she’d ever ask for help for Bore’s dish. Bore herself says Mousy is seriously bullying her at this point, spending way too much time in the kitchen telling her how to do stuff when she should be out in the Front Of The House (which, you know, is what she is supposed to be doing) and making things run more smoothly.

Back out in front of the judges, Mousy’s vocabulary has suddenly become surprisingly fuck-free as she presents Bore-verly’s dish…

so what if the dish is a rerun, I watch old Roseanne episodes all the time

She follows up Bore’s dish with her own concoction…

made under f-bomb duress and micromanagement and utensil abuse

Daddy Tom starts with Mousy’s dish, and says when he thinks of chorizo and sherry vinegar, he thinks of far more flavor, the dish is too subtle. Hughnibrow says it was a little overcooked and dry in the center.

Meanwhile, wrong dishes are being sent out to the wrong tables, and back in the kitchen, Jobless complains to Mousy that she is going to run out of dessert if the servers don’t take it when it’s ready. Mousy claims to understand this, but says they don’t even know where they are with the tickets right now, and then immediately starts yelling at Bore again. Jobless tells us Mousy’s tone is “frankly bitchy” and now believes perhaps she was the wrong choice to be in the Front Of The House. Well, duh, since she’s spent most of that time Back In The Kitchen.

Back at the Judges’ Table, Hughnibrow says Bore’s short rib “may be the most flavorful thing [he's] had in two days of eating!” Daddy Tom is impressed with the glazing and flavor as well, and he mentions he normally hates flavored potatoes, but he likes the ones she’s made. La Gassy simply says that it was tasty. At the Boys’ Table, Penis-Hair says this is the nicest dinner he’s had since they’ve been there, which causes Ninja Eddie and Ty-Böre to mutter their sarcastic thanks.

Finally, Mousy shows up with the desserts, starting with Jobless Grayson’s…

a.k.a. Schmitz DQ Torte

This is followed by Part Two of GroanyBooger’s Ballsy Menu…

pronounced bomb ball owe knee

Hughnibrow immediately proclaims that Groany’s donuts are very rich and leaden-tasting, and Daddy Tom agrees they are heavy, and there is not enough banana flavoring, which he was excited about. As for Jobless’ torte, Hughnibrow says he didn’t care for the macerating liquid in the bottom of the bowl from the champagned berries, but Daddy Tom says that’s exactly what he likes, and he wishes he had a spoon to get it all up. It’s even cuter when Scar immediately hands him one…

I may be a bitch sometimes, but you know you love me, cueball

Back in the kitchen, Mousy has begun her Bore-bound bus drive version of damage-control by sniping to Jobless that she’s super-pissed that she wasn’t back in the kitchen (wait, when was she not back in the ktichen?) because her dish was the worst of the night, no one is eating it, she’s thrown out several plates full of it into the garbage…

and clearly the reason why it sucked is the suddenly stone-deaf chef she’s subtly gesturing to

Jobless isn’t stupid (good girl) and says the crappiness of the dish is not necessarily Bore’s fault, she was only doing what Mousy told her to do. Have I said today how much I heart Jobless? Even better, when Mousy hisses that Bore fucked her fish, Jobless’ fearless comeback is “Lemme tell you, she did not mean to, it was probably the wrong cooking procedure to tell you the truth.” Mousy does not like hearing this one little bit, and seeing that she does not have a bitch-ally in Jobless, she grabs some more dessert bowls and stomps off angrier than ever…

gonna drop these on someone’s foot cuz bitch don’t have my back

Let me just say, that was one of the ugliest little scenes yet this season, and I fully get that Bore-verly could be annoying and wacky, but the way Mousy and GroanyBooger have treated her has been nothing short of out-and-out disprespectful disdain and it makes the both of them look like a pair of petty mean girls who lack professionalism and common courtesy. For Mousy to bitch like that to Jobless right in front of Bore, like the woman wasn’t standing there hearing every word, is just plain nasty and hateful, and I hope that Karma Korean™ is about to deliver a beat-down.

The Judges are discussing which restaurant had the better food, and the consensus seems to be that hands down it was Half Busted, but Canned Peen had them beat seven ways to Sunday on the service side of things. Ty-Böre tells us he thinks the sloppy service means the boys might have a chance to win.

Back in the Stew Room, Bore-verly finally speaks up and says she felt like people were talking shit about her, and she brings up a specific example of Mousy’s shit-talking to someone else the way she supposedly overcooked some shallots. Naturally GroanyBooger is shaking her head, and Mousy’s response is to offer a meaningless insincere mea culpa, “If I took it out on you, I apologize, but you were fucking up my dish!” GroanyBooger suddenly jumps in to claim that Mousy worked with Bore on how to make Bore’s dish for “a long time” and helped her conceptualize it. Wait, WTF??!?!? Is BoogerWoman trying to give credit for Bore’s short rib to Mousy???!? Bore-verly can’t believe it, either: “The red curry sauce was my idea, the basil-potato purée was my idea, the apple kimchi was my idea…”

beating these two bitches with a bag of short ribs would be my idea

Suddenly GroanyBooger is trying to back-pedal and then Mousy Lindsay resorts to the tactic that most people use as a go-to when they’re wrong and they know it: she opts out of the conversation, claiming she doesn’t want to talk about it any more. The boys are looking on and barely suppressing their smiles… but then Scar appears and asks to see the ladies of Half Busted Restaurant…

and Ty-Böre has already guessed the truth

Scar starts by asking Mousy about what the hell went wrong with her Front Of The House duties, why was she M.I.A. half the time? Mousy claims that was because they had a really big build-up in the kitchen…

and she’s standing right next to me and her name rhymes with Kleverly Dim

Mousy goes on to claim she had to be back there because she was “trying to get the food out at that point” which causes Jobless some kind of gas pains or something…

or she’s just heard some pretty shameless Revisionist History

Scar wants to know if they thought they did better than the boys, and the ladies timidly assert that they did. Scar is just fucking with them for fun, they won Restaurant Wars!…

now we love each other!

The judges give some love to everybody’s dishes (except Mousy’s) but Scar gives a special note of tenderness to Bore-verly’s dish, saying she loved it and it was “yummy”, and La Gassy says that adding the apple kimchi raised the bar on the whole thing…

and naturally, GroanyBooger and Mousy are overjoyed for their teammate’s success

Those bitchfaces are about to get even deeper, because Hughnibrow announces Bore as the overall winner and she gets a 3-liter bottle of TurBlotto wine, plus a 3-day/2-night trip for two to tour the TurBlotto vineyards in Napa Valley…

at least share some of the wine with me for standing up for you, eh sister?

Jobless appears to be the only one who hugs Bore-verly upon news of her win. The other two are struggling to keep their grimaces straight…

or… not

Bore haltingly tell us feels she’s been “justified” for who she is by winning this challenge as a definite underdog…

ok, now it’s the right time to cry

Ah, but we’re not done with the passive-aggressive purée this evening, because after the ladies return to the Stew Room and send the men of Canned Peen into the Judges, GroanyBooger takes a moment out to try and rain on the Bore-Parade with a little speechifying that “We would not be here, in my opinion, if it wasn’t for you Lindsay, and I think that you deserve as much praise… or more… in my opinion.”…

brokedown bitches are funny

Wellnow, that was pathetic. Mousy clearly failed at handling the pressure of the Front Of The House and chose to hide in the kitchen and try to blame Bore for everything, and I believe if they had not won she would have been going home for that alone, crappy fish dish aside.

Speaking of going home, the Canned Peen Crew are being told by Hughnibrow that there “wasn’t a wow factor with the food”, which makes Penis-Hair look incredulous, because at Moto people apparently find a melting pile of dogshit to be endlessly fascinating. Then Scar kicks them all in the nuts by mentioning that on the new Top Chef Judges’ Table app she was plugging earlier?… everybody rated Canned Peen as their least favorite restaurant as well… Yowtch, that hurts!…

that hit was so hard that TexAsian’s nuts actually just re-ascended

Starting with Ty-Böre, Daddy Tom says if the flavors of Thailand were that delicate then “no one would think much about the food of Thailand”. Ty-Ty’s excuse is that the chilies he used were very spicy and so he left a lot of them out. Daddy Tom says if he’s going to advertise it as a Thai dish, then the expected flavors need to be in there. Ty-Böre also has to take responsibility for having cooked the salmon and made it very bland and underseasoned. Hughnibrow says TexAsian and Ty-Ty both had great individual elements in that dish, they just didn’t work together.

TexAsian also gets boofed a little for having made his crostini soggy and greasy due to their being soaked in oil. La Gassy says his pork belly was tasty, but then the dish just faded away.

Daddy Tom now wants to know why Penis-Hair was doing so little when TexAsian was doing so much. Penis says he helped out wherever he could. Daddy Tom says he doesn’t mean helping out, he means why didn’t he have more of a hand in the conceptualizing of their food. (I”d say it’s because his ideas are all fucking wacky and everyone is wary of that by now, but that’s just me). Penis says he wanted to concentrate on doing his dessert. Hughnibrow says it was a “jumbled mess in a bowl” that probably used up a lot of prep time that could have better used on other things, like organizing their kitchen…

not gonna share any more miracle-berry tablets with you, browbuddy

Ninja Eddie gets cornholed for having promised them an Almond Joy but there wasn’t enough coconut to pull that off. Daddy Tom hates false advertising, but later the judges say it was the best dish out of the entire team, and they’d have been praising it if he had called it a Whopper Zagnut instead. La Gassy says that Penis-Hair’s dessert presentation was “horrible” and Daddy Tom coins the term “Ty’s Not-So-Thai Dish”. Then Daddy calls them back and excoriates them all for having failed in so many ways with “this mess that was Canned Peen” that any of them could have gotten chopped, we find out the big loser tonight…

mëäns nö möre fückïng ümläüts för mëëëëëë!

Yes, this time it’s Ty-Böre, our sole member of Season Nine’s Team Rainbow who has to pack up his tight capris and his cowboy hats, plus a big bag of empty bragging about all of his various culinary experiences and head on back to distribute more naked pictures of himself on the internet…

and then become a big bearded bartender bitch for BobbleHead Andy on WWHL

BUT IT’S NOT OVER YET, IS IT??!??!?….

I have no idea how many days passed between the filming of the episode and this filler footage of Ty-Böre back at Casa Del Cheffo, but it’s clear that in the interim…

someone bought a new Lady Schick

After finding his “Wait, you’re not done yet!” letter, Ty-Ty grabs a fresh pair of skinny khaki capris and heads back to the original Top Chef Kitchen to find Daddy Tom…

and a very pissed-off Divot Diva making Duckface™

Why does Divot Diva Nyesha look so confrontational? Well, she says there were two people she really wanted to go up against, one was Hag Heather (whom she beat)… and the other was Ty-Böre. She says she singled those two out because they made her feel “the most uncomfortable” and alleges that Ty-Ty had been rude to her… and we flashback to his nasty STFU comment from right after the Taco Bell Challenge. I was not aware that his vitriol had been directed against Diva directly, but who knows, editing is always wonky here, the point is that Divot Diva is no fan of umlauts and hyphens.

So what’s their challenge today on Redemption Kitchen? Daddy Tom says it’s one that has sent many a chef packing for home… they have to make a dessert in 30 minutes. And just to make it interesting, Daddy parades out the Panel Of Pathetic and says each of them are going to be allowed to choose a chef to help them with their dish. Since Divot Diva is the champ, she gets to choose first.

This is interesting… she says she really wanted to pick Whatsherface because they are good friends BUT she knows that Hag and Ty-Böre have worked together, and Hag is a onetime pastry chef, so…

welcome to Team DivaHag

Hag herself is very surprised to have been chosen, and Divot Diva tells us that at this point the competition is becoming very personal for her, so this was definitely a strategic move on her part, not because she particularly wants to work with the woman. Ty-Böre is clearly non-plussed…

how dare you steal my hag? she’s the one who tells me these shorts look sexy on me

So who is left for Ty-Ty to pick? Well, he decides to let his oft-uncovered penis do the thinking for him and chooses… Chris Scary??!?…

thanks, queen

In all honesty, Scary does not look altogether thrilled at being asked to step back in and compete again, I’m thinking he was ready to just coast along for the rest of this season and collect his $10,000.00 fan favorite award, but there we are, he’s now Team BöreScary. And their 30 minutes starts now.

Divot Diva and Hag confer and decide to make a fruit-based tart, and Diva tells us that whenever Hag is involved in a team setting she likes to think she’s in charge of it all, but this is still her dessert. I have to give up a teensy bit of admiration to Hag here, because instead of being sullen and dragging her heels over not being able to reunite with her ‘mo, she appears to be working her hardest to make the Diva’s dish a success.

Meanwhile, Ty-Böre’s decided to go with a Black Forest mousse and some more caramel, this time paired with cracked white pepper (huh?). Scary is not proving himself to be quite as capable of a teammate as he lets the first batch of caramel burn on the stove. Divot Diva is glancing down at Ty-Ty and telling us that he made an enemy out of her and now this is a personal vendetta. Ty-Böre insists to us that he wouldn’t have made it this far if he hadn’t lucked out and had 9 other people suck worse than he usually did didn’t possess the skills to win the whole thing…

then we get to watch him double-dip his fingers into his caramel sauce

And time is up, here’s Divot Diva’s dish…

a.k.a. the Hockey Puck Of Hope™

Daddy Tom asks about whose idea this dish was, and to be fair, Divot Diva gives full credit to it being a true collaboration of them both. This makes Hag feel rather warm and huggy…

stop touching me

Then it’s Ty-Böre’s turn to offer his squared-off version of Diva’s dish…

on top of the usual appetizing shit-smear

No mention is made of any of Scary’s contributions to this dish…

not that that will stop Ty-Böre from copping one last feel

Daddy Tom proclaims both of their dishes to be “restaurant ready desserts”, and says that while the flavors of Divot Diva’s tart played well off of each other, her mousse could have had a little more flavor and body, it would have stood up more. He tells Ty-Ty that he cooked his (OBVIOUSLY PREMADE) puff pastry perfectly and he loved the saltiness in the caramel, but his chocolate mousse wasn’t chocolatey enough, and so the win goes to…

thank you, Daddy Tom, for helping me achieve my personal vengeances

BWAHAHAHAHA, Miss Nyesha has become the Black Hammer of Redemption Kitchen, booting Ty-Böre is her fourth straight win and the fifth chef she’s fully ousted for us! You can tell it is a pleasure for her to shake Ty-Ty’s hand goodbye…

and don’t you ever call me “girlfriend”, k?

For his part, Ty-Böre claims to have an enormous amount of respect for Diva and thinks she’s a very talented chef…

at least, that’s how he felt until he saw this little video segment

And there we have it! Next week the chefs cook for more pretty people…

I’ll never look at a center-parted hairstyle the same ever again

So what did you think of this episode? Was it truly Ty-Böre’s time to go, or did you think maybe Penis-Hair was gonna bite it next? Do you think it was Bore-verly’s fault that Mousy’s fish dish was bad, or was it a bad concept? And can you believe the bullshit that GroanyBooger and Mousy are pulling on her at every step? I’m ready for both of them to get booted, and hopefully Divot Diva will send their asses packing for realsies. She only has to beat three more chefs to get back into the competition!

Want to say thanks again to everyone for taking time to read my novellas and especially for commenting. I know the site has made it difficult for us all to do that this past week, so thank you very much for your patience with that, I know Flipit would now be bald if he weren’t already. Just a heads-up, next week’s recap is going to be a little later than usual as I will be in Los Angeles for the weekend celebrating the BF’s birthday… but I will bang it out as soon as I get home, OK?

love, J-Mo
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