Top Chef Recap: Dallas’ Most Ridiculous

Hello, fellow 99-percenters! I hope everybody is truly enjoying the show, now that we are fully into the swing of this Texas-sized version of Top Chef… you know, part of the heavily-promoted selling point of this season being in the Lone Star State was that it was the BIGGEST-est-est-est YET-et-et-et! And up to this point I think the Magical Elves have really delivered on that by saddling us with 29 chefs, multiple locations, and a myriad of marathon challenges. But as big as everything has been so far, Texas itself always manages to come up with something even bigger…

and badder

Isn’t Texas Hair™ fabulous? This is the reason why Texas is home to more drag queens than just about any other state in the Union (sadly, the State Board Of Tourism probably doesn’t consider this to be much of a selling point, but I’m here to tell you it’s wonderfully true).

Anyhow, here is what happened last week on Top Chef…

someone got the nerve to tell LimpHawk his haircut was stupid

somebody else told Bore-verly they accidentally used her breast milk to make Mudslides

and Texas Governor Rick Perry’s worst nightmare came true
(two things with penises touched each other)

We open on the chefs standing around looking exhausted at the Tejas Rodeo Picnic Table Ramada after watching LimpHawk’s terribly tearful departure. Especially sad is Penis-Hair because now he’s the only one from Moto left to “dominate” the other chefs with his awesome white-boy samurai ways. Suddenly Scar shows up and greets the chefs, who barely say ‘hi’ in return, because they think she is about to tell them they have another cooking challenge right now. PSYCHE! They’re done cooking, and instead Scar tells them they need to get a good night’s sleep because they’re moseying on… to Dallas!…

whoopdy-fuckin-doo

Seriously, they could not be bothered to give less of a diddlyfuck over this news, they are so tired, and now a little angry, especially Ninja Eddie who says he just fell in love with the house in San Antonio and it’s “unsettling” that they have to move…

ironic choice of words considering some of Eddie’s quirky speech habits

The next day they are all packing up to leave and Bore-verly’s telling us when she thinks of Dallas she thinks of the Cowboys football team and country singers… “Who’s the one with, like, the really big…?” and she cups her hands out in front of her double-D-style and makes ucky-face…

funny how it’s ok for her to leave breast milk laying around the fridge and yet she can’t even say the word “boobs”

Naturally, it’s Dolly Parton that she’s referring to… although to be fair, Bore might have meant Jessica Simpson, but then I guess she would have been cupping her hands out behind her ass. In any case, the other chefs are sitting around planning who is going to ride with whom in their Cloyota Piennas (I refuse to help Product Placement) while they’re waiting for some stragglers to finish packing…

and Ty-Böre is helping himself to an eyeful of Cocky Chewy’s crotch

Cocky Chewy says he’s planning on riding with “Beautiful Chris” (Scary), Bore-verly and TexAsian Paul, which prompts this outburst from Penis-Hair…

you said it, buddy, not me

if you look closely, you can see TexAsian’s eyes in the lower left corner agreeing with me. In any case, Penis-Hair says he hasn’t quite hit his stride yet, so he’s hoping a change of venue will showcase that he’s “got the skillz to pay the billz”. Yo, shout-out to Positive K (and the year 1992), y’all! Let’s hit the road!

Fag Hag Heather is driving one of the minivans and says that growing up she took a lot of road trips with her family. Unfortunately, her brother gets car-sick easily and has puked on her several times. She and I have something in common besides our weight now, cuz I seemed to be the vomit magnet for my brother during our family road trips growing up. I won’t say which one of them did it (M-Mo or Al-Mo) but I have awakened more than once from a stiff-necked nap in a sweltering backseat to find half a pre-chewed Whopper Jr. cascading down my calf…

so, I totally feel you, girlfriend

I think she should count herself lucky that LimpHawk went home, out of anybody on this cast I’d have said he was the one most likely to go all Pukey McBarfyPoo on them. I’m not too sure Penis-Hair isn’t a close second in that regard. Other things we find out: Ninja Eddie is married to a nice Indiana Girl. Eddie then asks Ty-Böre (who is driving) if he wins Top Chef, will there be a float dedicated to him in the gay pride parade?…

um, there already is

Ty-Böre also mentions that he has a boyfriend. Who may or may not be happy watching him ogle Cocky Chewy’s junk on TV. Speaking of which, over in the car Chewy is driving, we find out that Chris Scary used to be 70 pounds heavier! TexAsian Paul tries to be kind and asks if he means “Like big, buff?” and Scary’s all, “No, like, FAT!”…

um, this is what I looked like in high school

Seriously? What a fuckin’ drama queen, that ain’t fat. Scary says that ChefWorks did this photo shoot at his restaurant about 3 years ago, and after it was distributed he had friends calling him up to say “Hey, looking good in that magazine, fatty!” He says that’s what led to him losing 70 pounds in a little under 2 years…

how about next time try getting some friends who aren’t assholes?

I totally get it now why Scary gets so irritated with fat people… he’s been one of us (sorta) and he’s horribly afraid of it happening again. I’m sure it’s very gratifying to his ego now to be in the lead of the race for Fan Favorite, but I would like to take a moment out to remind him that $10,000 won’t keep him thin forever… I would also like him to know that a real friend wouldn’t get jealous of his catalog modeling and call him nasty names.

In any case, for some crazy reason the chefs wind up not taking Interstate 35 the whole way from San Antonio to Dallas, and therefore they suddenly wind up tooling down a backwoods road where they come upon a road block and a Texas State Trooper…

doing a fierce Diana Ross

DaCody Diablo is freaking out because she got pulled over in San Antonio and handed a hefty ticket with fines, which is why she never paid it and now thinks there is probably a warrant out for her arrest…

way to live up to your stereotype, rebel-tat-girl

That explains why she let Cocky Chewy drive, even though his little feeties can barely reach the pedals. But she’s safe this time, because the State Trooper directs the three minivans to pull off the side of the road and into a fallow cornfield where they are greeted by…

a strangely mannish-looking Scar and John Besh

You may remember John Besh from the first season of Top Chef Masters and also his almost-win on Next Iron Chef (he lost to that smiley cue-ball Michael Symon). Cajun John is from New Orleans and owns a zillion restaurants, and I’m not so sure what he’s doing here in Texas, but he’s also pretty good at not putting up with a bunch of bullshit from chefs. This would explain his rather superhero-masculine, hands-on-hips, penis-thrust-forward stance in the photo above. For some reason this is Chris Scary’s cue to say the lines fed him from a Magical Elves producer that seeing Cajun John’s magically white teeth and his hair blowing in the wind makes him look very handsome…

whatever, dude, you know you’re staring at Scar’s boobs

Cajun John (or CaJohn as I will call him from here on out) welcomes them to their QuickFire Challenge. Yes, this little impromptu rest stop with the picnic tables is going to be their kitchen. Scar then directs them to remotely open the trunks of their Cloyota Piennas (such technology!) where they magically find that their luggage has been removed and replaced by camouflage-covered “survival kits” which they will have to use, making a dish out of whatever they find inside them…

um, “survival kit” is just another word for “lesbian handbag”

If that kit were in my trunk, it would contain some Diet Dr. Pepper, PayDay candy bars, a Cher cd, condoms, Season 3 of Roseanne, clean underwear, Ben-Gay, ibuprofen, my inflatable Hulk Hogan punching bag, Funyuns and a weepy Amy Tan novel. Why would I carry so much shit in my bag?…

you never know when you may have to jam

Heh, make a dish out of that, chefs! OH, and the winner today gets $5,000 plus immunity! They keep giving away huge amounts of money like this and someone is gonna get stabbed. Their 30 minutes starts and everyone runs towards the minivans to grab a kit, except for Penis-Hair, who books like a madman towards the corn…

should have gone before you left home

KIDDING, he’s actually decided to try and find an actual usable ear of corn in the debris there, “Fresh is always best,” he asserts, “I want to show off to the judges that I can be creative, I can use what’s around me.” I’m guessing Penis-Hair must also be some new kind of color-blind, because there is no way there is any corn he can make edible in 30 minutes from that field of buh-ROWN. He gets back to the picnic table and discovers *gasp* the corn is super-dry. He says he may try to pop it. I think he may be trying to crack one of Scar’s expensive veneers.

The other chefs are digging in their kits and finding a variety of things, chocolate, canned veggies, fruit roll-ups, dried dip and drink mixes, and it’s not sitting well with many of them, especially Ninja Eddie, who is whining that they don’t even have a cutting board, and Sarah GroanyBooger’s freaking because the wind keeps blowing and reducing the heat on their campstove burners. The rest of them seem to just shut up and keep trying to trade each other for better stuff they can actually use.

Cocky Chewy’s got him some rice, black-eyed peas and trout. TexAsian Paul tosses him a can of green chilis in a can and now he’s on his way to making “dirty” rice…

um, it’s dirty in more ways than one

Yes, he’s using his bare fingers on those green chilis. And to stir the rice. And to scratch his ass. Also, I gotta love his ballsy swagger here, he wants to make a Cajun dish (that he’s confusingly calling “Creole”) for CaJohn Besh who is from New Orleans and probably knows that “dirty” rice shouldn’t taste like it’s been flavored with earwax and butt-sweat.

Meanwhile, Chris Scary is congratulating himself for being super-clever and using his powdered lemon-drink mix to add “acidity” to his “asian soup”. Someone should tell him that’s no secret, Crystal Light has been giving people heartburn for years. Also having difficulty finding real inspiration is Whitney Whatsherface cuz she’s got canned green beans and canned chicken and canned tuna, and ugh, this is just the terrible kind of food that she would never ever cook with in a mllion bazillion years…

looks like she tasted her dish already

Mousy Little Lindsay Autry is also complaining about the disgusting lack of high-quality ingrediences, but she’s familiar with the tin of Vienna Snausages she found, cuz apparently her dad used to eat them right out of the can. Naturally she thinks this is just utterly gross. I’ve said it before, and I will repeat it again: chefs getting snotty about being forced to use processed food is fucking annoying as hell, because not all of us can afford restaurant-quality items to fill our pantries with. It is one of the many reasons why ramen and nuclear-orange powdered cheese products and pre-fried frozen chicken have taken up residence in so many homes in America. So, Mousy and Whatsyourface, shut it with the snobby bullshit, you’re just feeling inadequate because you don’t know how to make Panburger Partner.

Ninja Eddie is looking around and sniffing at how everyone else is making “mess-hall food”, but he’s determined to elevate his dish beyond what he’s calling their “Flintstones” fare. Then the Goddess of Karma swoops down and throws out his back!…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

While she was at it, the Goddess also swished over by Penis-Hair’s station and got him to realize that his dry-ass corn is still just as dry-ass as before, so he threw it out. Now, as time runs out, he’s still hoping to snag originality points for using the corn husk in his plating. The corn husk that was probably full of dirt and bugs and maybe a little fungus…

enjoy your dysentery, Judges

Next up is Cocky Chewy, who has decided to call his dish “Chewy’s Dirty Mouth Dirty Rice”…

um, shouldn’t that be called “Dirty Fingers Dirty Rice”?

Looks like he found the Funyuns from my survival kit. Anyhow, Scar is dubious about the name of the dish, but I don’t call Chewy cocky for nothing, and naturally he is insisting it’s gonna be awesome.

Jobless Grayson is up now…

and this is the third dish in shades of red, brown, and beige

She can’t even get through the description of her dish without giggling, and I find I’m liking Miss Jobless more and more because of it, she realizes how ridiculous this challenge is, but she keeps on plugging away. Speaking of plugs, here’s Mousy Lindsay’s new commercial for Saltines…

if that’s a “club” sammich then I’m Michelle Bachmann

CaJohn says he’s never had Vienna Snausages like this, which leaves Mousy feeling “uncomfortable”…

I think she should be more uncomfortable having equated this to a bag of grilled cheese sammiches

Let’s see what Ty-Böre has in störe…

a whole lotta snöre

Ty-Böre says he gave them plain rice “in case any of the flavors are a little too much“. Dude, those are Saltines you used, not ghost chilies. Scar does compliment him on how nice his rice is “for the conditions”. Meh, let’s check out GroanyBooger’s dish…

which looks exactly like everyone else’s, and it’s not just the pan

Seriously, I can’t remember the last time everyone’s food looked so damned uniform, it’s eerie. Chris Scary’s dish is no different…

well, okay, he’s got some black speckles, so now he can say it has “soul”

Scary does make sure to tell CaJohn all about his ingenious usage of the lemon drink-mix for “acid”. CaJohn says he’s never heard of “sweetening” (ha!) a dish by sprinkling Crystal Light on top of it before. Scary doesn’t look like he thinks CaJohn is so handsome anymore.

Here’s Whatsherface’s dish, made with all those ingrediences she finds so disgusting…

and it shows

For realsies, the cans of Aristocats that I feed to Chunky and Chica look better than that shit. Even after they’ve puked it back up onto the carpet. Let’s move on to Ninja Eddie’s back-ruining dish…

ok, this is a little more latrine than mess-hall

And here is the TexAsian’s car in the red-brown-beige train…

bet CaJohn’s never heard of sprinkling weed on top of a dish to give you the munchies

This is followed by DaCody Diablo and her version of ramen…

fuck the unpaid traffic tickets, arrest her now for making yuckysoba

And tonight there are only three QuickFire dishes we didn’t care about…

and they’re still red (Divot Diva) brown (Fag Hag) and beige (Bore-verly)

So CaJohn, how did the chefs do with these random grab-bags filled from the asian market “survival kits”? Well, some of them weren’t so inventive, such as Whitney Whatsherface, because she basically just took the chicken and green beans straight out of the can and kinda plopped them into the tray with almost no thought. Also having a one-dimensional and overly sweet dish was DaCody Diablo and her Fugitive Ramen From Hell™. And putting the final nail in the boner Scary once had for CaJohn’s shiny teeth and flowing hair, he says Scary’s use of raw tofu and under-seasoned crab meat just threw the entire dish off…

but I used acid from the powdered lemon drink miiiiiiix!

Hundred bucks says Scary’s calling CaJohn a big fat Fatty McFatterChub in his head right now. Well, according to Scary’s BMI, he kinda is. So who did they like? Ninja Eddie’s attention to detail was great, the thai peanut soup worked well with his crab cakes. Surprisingly, he liked Cocky Chewy’s canned smoked trout and rice (though I bet he hated the cutesy name). Even more surprisingly, he says Mousy’s dish was “sent over the top” by her clever little “sandwich”… and now my jaw is on the floor because Mousy is tonight’s QuickFire winner…

ok, I guess I’m Michelle Bachmann’s husband, then

I am going to have to try that the next time I throw a dinner party, only I will use actual Club™ brand crackers so I can get away with calling them “club” sammiches. Also not impressed (and jumping up a few notches on the Unlikeability Scale™) is Ninja Eddie, who is pissed that he didn’t win and Li’l Mis Mousy Penis-Shaft-Neck did, he complains that her sammich looked as “dry as the Texas land” they were standing on…

shoulda told them about your fucked-up back and maybe your dog dying

It’s interesting, when he threw out his back, Eddie complained it was because they were cooking in a field full of mud, but now suddenly it’s all dry land? Whatever. Meanwhile, Mousy’s celebrating the invention of Vienna Snausages as they just snagged her $5K…

and she’s bobbing like a boner

Okay, now that Wealthy Voice Foods has blown another $5K on barf-encrusted Saltines, let’s find out about today’s Elimination Challenge. Scar?

Well, the chefs are going to be allowed back on the road and given directions to the Highland Park neighborhood, which apparently is like the Beverly Hills of Dallas: it’s very wealthy, it’s full of extremely expensive real estate, and you can’t live there if you aren’t white or Christian or self-aware. Or if you believe in paying your fair share of taxes. In any case, three neighbor couples are desperate to show off their wealth on TV are having a “progressive dinner party” on the following evening, and the chefs will have to kiss their pompous overblown asses prepare the food. This means that each house will host a different course of the meal between the appetizers, main course and dessert. It sounds like an awful lot of unnecessary dirty dishes to me (plus walking, ick) but I’m sure these people have staffs to do those things for them, so, problem solved. Anyhow, CaJohn says Southern people love to entertain and live to eat, so these couples are going to have “definite opinions” about what the chefs are going to make. Which is a really nice way of saying the clients are assholes.

Being more familiar with assholes than the rest of the chefs, Ty-Böre brags to us that he has a lot of experience cooking for un-named rock stars and faceless movie stars and celebrities like Bill Gates (?!?) so he says he knows exactly what kind of expectations these high-end clients are going to have…

well, first off, they’re going to expect you to keep your pants on

I’m curious about how Ty-Böre’s able to make this I-Cooked-For-Bill-Gates claim. Like, if Bill Gates flew down to Earth (from The Cloud!) and went to a Burger King drive-thru for a Whopper, would that mean the guy running the microwave that day “cooked for Bill Gates”? Cuz he kinda did. Hmmm, it’s a mystery.

Anyhow, Scar divides the chefs up into their groups based on where they’re standing, with Penis-Hair, TexAsian, Whatsherface, Mousy and GroanyBooger making appetizers, Bore-verly, Cocky Chewy, Fag Hag, Divot Diva and Ty-Böre cooking the entrées and DaCody Diablo, Jobless Grayson, Ninja Eddie and Chris Scary struggling with the desserts. And struggle they will, because DaCody Diablo remembers her last foray into pastry all too well…

somehow I’m betting the Highland Park-ites aren’t going to go for this

She is super-pissed, y’all! “I didn’t come here to make desserts!” Well, apparently you have to, DaCody, so shut up and put the neon frosting away, Scar is still talking. Even though they are split up into groups, it is still an individual challenge (thank Gawd). Now it’s time to climb back in the Cloyota Piennas and head out to the hotel that will be their new home…

here’s the exterior, which is luxurious

and here’s the interior, which is next to the supply closet and has a view of the restaurant’s roof vents

Naturally, all the chefs ooh and ahh over it like it’s the most sumptuous accommodation any of them have ever seen, but it’s bullshit, because I heard one of them actually say “Wow, pillows!” Well, enough of that bullshit, let’s meet our rich couples. Pulling up into the ritzy neighborhood, Penis-Hair says it reminds him of Wisteria Lane from Desperate Housewives, and once again I’m wondering just how heterosexual he is…

well, no gay guy would go on camera with a simmering zit on the bridge of his nose, so I’ve stopped wondering

And speaking of desperate, here’s the Lady Of The Manor now…

and no, “Appetizer House” is not the name of their mansion

Wouldn’t it be cool if it really was, though? Anyhow Kim (who looks more like a Kyle) seems very gracious and sweet, welcoming the chefs into her home. Whatsherface is feeling very out-of-place and uncomfortable in these posh surroundings, and tells us she grew up in a poor family, “I’ve lived in hotel rooms before… and not nice ones!”…

um, you still are

Plus, I’m betting that perhaps her own appearance is making her feel somewhat less-than-regal…

would it have killed you to wear sleeves today?

Honestly, I do not automatically assume that tattoos = trash, but I often feel like a lot of ink-fans don’t take into account the overall impression having full-on sleeve-tats gives to people. It might be better to have stuff you can easily hide…

like this

Anyhow, they have 15 minutes to menu plan with the Whitmans, and before they even begin Justin makes sure to tell the chefs that his lovely wife KimKyle is “a lifestyle and entertaining expert” (*snort*) and then KimKyle tries to plug her “books”…

with super imaginative titles

Aren’t vanity-presses just AWSOME? Anyhow, she wanted the chefs to see her books so they would know what style they like because presentation is sooooo important, they really want the food to be “a conversation starter”. This is her first fatal mistake. Although, that isn’t as bad as her original idea for a theme in which she was going to make the chefs prepare all the food in different shades of pink…

and be shaped like vaginas

Thankfully they ditched that dumb idea, but KimKyle has a list of foods she doesn’t like (such as bell peppers and cilantro) and she doesn’t want anything that will make the guests self-conscious about their breath or get stuck in their teeth. Justin also wants foods that are easy to eat. Penis-Hair’s eyes are gleaming, he’s pushing KimKyle to give him the green light to make something “they’ve never seen before”. I have to give KimKyle a little credit here, because it seems like she’s also reading what I’m reading in Penis-Hair’s face…

i.e. danger

She’s quick to tell him that she’s not very adventurous with trying new foods, but he’s insistent that it’ll be something she’s had before, only presented in an entirely new way. This can’t be good. And it won’t be.

Well, let’s move on to the Entrée House, owned by the lovely Kari & Troy Kloewer…

and their klashing shades of blue

Upon entering their house Ty-Böre says he can “smell the smell of money”, and that it smells very different from his apartment in Brooklyn…

which smells like damp ass

Kari-Out also has a list of dislikes, including spicy food, cilantro, raspberries and meat. Cocky Chewy is internally rolling his eyes at her, complaining to us that she is “high-maintenance” and this is why he never does these kind of private events, he’d much prefer to have them come to his restaurant, “I can kick them out there.”…

sounds like a solid business plan

I poke fun at these people for having such specific instructions, but the truth of the matter is that if I were a chef doing a custom-event of this nature, I’d totally do whatever the client wanted, “high-maintenance” or not, because that’s what they’re paying you for. If you charge me out my ass to cook for me, there had better not be any fucking cilantro or bell pepper (or in my case, lima beans) anywhere in sight. Suck it up, Chewy.

Now we move on to the Dessert House, which is owned by… oh Jesus, are you serious???… Kameron and Court Westcott…

that’s not a name, it’s a murder-scene in “Clue”

And really? Did we have to have KimKyle, Kari-Out and Kameron? I would have thought Bravo was a little more careful than that…

white people get into trouble when they put too many K’s together

Anyhow, ridiculous names aside, Courtisone and Kameroon like cupcakes, fudge, cake-balls, bananas (Courtyard says he’s “obsessed” with them, which might explain why he’s standing so far apart from his so-called wife). Oh, and he’s also got an addiction to gummi bears, claiming “his” wedding cake was a giant one. This last little tidbit is pretty shocking, and while Ninja Eddie may move like the night…

his face is plain as a crooked-ass day

Yeah, I don’t think Courticosteroid is going to find a big gummi bear being served for dessert tomorrow night. Let’s go over to Whole Paycheck Market…

…where nothing happens except some running and some bitching (and some ass-raping of wallets), so instead, let’s go forward in time to the next day and watch the Appertizer Crew arriving at the Whitmans’ home. GroanyBooger is excited about this challenge because she’s getting to make what she wants for a change, which is Italian food…

yay for breadsticks!

We see similar scenes of chaos at both the Kloewers and the Westcotts as the other groups barge into their respective kitchens and immediately start getting on each others nerves…

and trying to burn the house down

Penis-Hair says he’s determined to “push the boundaries” so he’s making an appetizer that looks just like a cigar…

or the Incredible Hulk’s dong

Now this is a truly brilliant idea, because I clearly remember seeing people on Dallas and Dynasty chewing on cigars…

and then eating them

This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of, and I am thrilled with Penis-Hair for thinking he can pull it off. I can’t wait for the high society K-ladies to chow down on these.

Meanwhile, over at Entrée House, Bore-verly and her sloppy ways are annoying Fag Hag Heather and Divot Diva, she’s leaving dishes everywhere, moving other peoples’ pots of water and equipment around, and just generally taking over the entire kitchen in a selfish manner that they find extremely frustrating when working in close quarters. But Bore doesn’t have time to be courteous or work cleanly, “I’m working on four different things and it’s like ‘Oh Beverly, don’t leave this mess here!’, it’s like, come on, we’re all leaving stuff everywhere, don’t single me out!”…

♫ ebony and ivoreee… ♪ …want to beat the shit out of… ♬… Bore-verleee ♩

In the Dessert House, Ninja Eddie is still fuming about all the restrictive likes and dislikes that Courthouse and Kameroon laid on them, and he says he’s using some of their suggestions, and ignoring others “cuz they just kept saying things like fudge and bananas“…

which is pretty much what DaCody Diablo is making

Ninja Eddie thinks it’s lame to base dessert for 12 people on the wishes of two, which I agree with, but I still think he’s being overly pissy…

dude, get some new cud to chew

I also think he’s forgetting that there are three other chefs making dessert as well, so it’s not like his panna cotta has to be everything to everybody. Let someone else (like DaCody) make their precious fudge.

Here come the Judges to the Whitmans’ for the Appetizer Course, and we have Scar, Daddy Tom, Gail Simmons and CaJohn Besh. I’m getting a total boner waiting for them to actually start serving…

because this is about to really happen

Good ole Penis-Hair thinks this is either really gonna wow the guests and they will be very impressed by his skill…

or he will be making this face as he heads to Redemption Kitchen

It’s time, it’s time, it’s tiiiiiiime! We finally find out Penis-Hair’s inspiration for making this phallic little phuckup, he saw that Justin Whitman had a big cigar-lighter…

so please enjoy this delicious cancer log

The reactions to his envelope-pushing idea are immediate and definitive…

what is it about “not adventurous” that was so hard to understand?

He might as well have said that he saw the toilet paper rolls in their bathroom, and this is his interpretation if their house really did burn down and they had to eat what was left. This. Is. An. Epic. Miscalculation. And I love it. Let’s move on to GroanyBooger’s dish…

which thankfully does not look like an ashtray

This is followed by Mousy Lindsay…

and her Immunity Salad™, ho hum

And then we get poor little Motel 6 Resident Whatsherface…

and her bid for Top Scaylope

Bringing up the App-Rear is TexAsian Paul…

and his Ballsy Hated Veggie Medley™

With that, the chefs leave and the guests arise to go grab an app-plate. KimKyle still looks upset and angry…

I imagine this is the same face she makes when Justin says he wants a bee-jay

As they are eating, KimKyle reveals that Troy and Kari-Out just got married a month ago. Gail politely asks if they got married in Dallas, and it sounds like Troy guffaws sarcastically that they had a “small” wedding. Gail jokingly guesses that they had 700 guests. Kari-Out says proudly that they actually had 800…

and she’s convinced herself they were all close friends and not just moochers looking for free food, booze and some cake

Not to be outdone in her own house, KimKyle makes sure to mention that she and Justin had 1200 guests…

and then Gail nearly chokes on the utter pretentiousness of it all

And then this happens…

and two out of three of these people kinda deserve it

KimKyle says that Penis-Hair’s dish is “daunting”, and Daddy Tom says while the flavors are okay, “the whole thing eats dry“. Kari-Out states the obvious: that the idea of eating a cigar does not really appeal to them. Or anyone else on the planet.

On the plus side, KimKyle loves GroanyBooger’s artichoke dish, it matched the “style” that she described, and Gail says they were grilled perfectly. As for Mousy’s dish, Kari-Out says that while she loved the beets, she wasn’t impressed by the other stuff on the plate. God, what the hell does she expect from Immunity Salad™? CaJohn Besh agrees that it was boring and did not excite him, either. But Kameroon suddenly pipes up to chirp that she’s really enjoying it, “It’s rilly colorful!“…

so are crayons but that doesn’t mean they taste good

That is Daddy Tom’s Barely Restrained Eye-Roll #1. And as for TexAsian’s dish, KimKyle says she loves brussels sprouts and she also roasts hers like TexAsian does (only not as well). Then some Random Rich-Bitch in an ill-fitting purple garment bag/hoody combo says she likes the combination of crunchy and smooth textures he got in the dish…

and look, you can wear the twist tie that it came with as a bracelet!

As for Whatsherface’s dish, Troy Kloewer says he knows KimKyle and Justin asked for the food to be “conversation starters”, but her dish didn’t start any conversations for him. Other than “Where is the wastebasket?”, that is. And with that, it’s time to head on over to Troy and Kari-Out’s house for their entrées!

In the Kloewer’s kitchen, Cocky Chewy just pulled his salmon filets out of the oven and has noticed with some slight dismay that the corn-husks that they are wrapped in have blackened somewhat. He pokes the fish and says it feels “slightly overcooked” and the cheese is a little “weird”…

which means it might be a tad “shitty”

Also having some difficulty with putting his dish together is Ty-Böre, who may know the smell of money, but doesn’t seem to realize that it’s not appropriate to be yelling out “Goddamned son of a whore!” in your client’s kitchen…

especially if their dining room is, you know, right next door

Ty-Ty says he knows presentation is really important in high society, and that his dish tastes great… but it looks like cocky-doody. And with that, time is up! The entrée chefs are serving their dishes family-style (which in my house would mean my little brother would stick his fingers deep into every dish and then tell us he had a booger on the end of one of them, but now it’s gone, hahaha) and we start off with Fag Hag Heather…

um, we’re not gonna find the booger hiding in this dish

This is followed by Cocky Chewy’s dish…

whose overcookedness he was able to artfully hide with vegetables

Those blackened corn husks are a dead giveaway, though. Next in line is Bore-verly’s dish…

that inexplicably took the entire kitchen and every single pot and pan to fabricate

Whatever, at least it’s not a Korean dish for once. But she did mention the polenta is sitting in an “XO sauce”, which is Chinese, so she’s still leaning heavily on the Asian Crutch. And speaking of needing crutches, this brings us to Ty-Böre’s clumsy entry…

he knows how they smell, but he forgot rich people don’t like to chew a lot

Those are some huge chunks to be calling “guacamole salsa”, Ty-Ty! Last in line tonight is the Divot Diva…

ànd shè ùnděrstánds thât rìch péòplê wänt åccënts ín thēîr fóôd

I’m not sure why, but the entire time that Divot Diva is speaking, Troy Kloewer has a dopily-entranced look on his face…

so that’s what black people look like. how charming.

Maybe he is tired of an entire month of his vanilla wife and is having a chocolate fantasy? I dunno, but as they start in on Cocky Chewy’s salmon, Troy says it is “extremely mild”, so naturally Kari-Out thinks it’s really good. As for Bore-verly, Troy thought her scaylope was good, especially “twist with the white truffle”. I have no idea where he’s getting white truffle from, I didn’t hear Bore say anything about that, but maybe he’s just trying to sound all cheffy and figures tossing out terms like “white truffle” will sound real good. KimKyle says she would definitely want Bore to make this dish again for her next dinner party. She’d better get a bigger kitchen.

They dig into Ty-Böre’s pork next, and Gail immediately proclaims it to be a little bit sloppy. Troy also is finding it dry (which seems to be something Ty-Böre has a history of doing to most of his dishes, maybe I need to start calling him Dry-Böre) but he claims he likes the colors and the presentation of it. Ok, now I know that Troy is talking out of his ass, cuz colorful or not, that shit was clunky as hell. Random Rich-Bitch #2 (wearing an ironically expensive peasant blouse) says it reminds her of something her parents would have made in the 50′s…

back when they served stuff with plastic onions and wooden carrots

Kari-Out says she liked the garbanzo beans in Fag Hag’s dish because they were so fresh, but Daddy Tom is quick to say he can’t get past how overcooked her chops are, and Gail agrees that they are tough. In a subtle dig at Kari-Out and Troy’s clueless babbling, Daddy Tom slyly asks Random Rich-Bitch #2 if they like overcooked lamb in Dallas…

cuz your friends here are idiots

Ms. Rich-Bitch Peasant Blouse says hayell no, dry-ass baby sheep does not appeal to her. And the idiocy continues, because KimKyle’s complaining how she “wasn’t excited to dig into” Divot Diva’s dish because it wasn’t very appetizing, and Kari-Out is quick to chime in that she actually thought there was “blood decorating the outside of it!”…

someone’s been reading watching too much Twilight

No, Kari-Out, real chefs do not decorate their dishes with blood. CaJohn Besh is barely holding back his mirth as he assures her that it is actually a red wine reduction sauce, and now I’m pretty sure he and Daddy Tom and Scar are kicking each other under the table to keep themselves from openly laughing at these pretentious dullards…

who are blissfully ignorant (in many, many ways)

Time to head over to Kameroon and CourtTv’s house for the Dessert round where Gail hopes there is ice cream. And there is, in the form of DaCody Diablo’s milkshake. But she apparently doesn’t have any glasses with which to serve it, so she is smooshing dates into little cups to fill with…

taking Friendly Fribbles to a new level of intimacy

Is anyone else skeeved out by the lack of gloves here? It’s one thing for someone to put their fingers in your food when you’re related to them (booger-hiding brothers aside) but I’m feeling a little bit like this is a tad too much. Meanwhile, out in the dining room, CourtReporter is bragging to the table that he “challenged the chefs to really channel their inner fat kid.”…

um, yours is kinda still on the outside

Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea in Chris Scary’s case, because his inner fat man is never far behind him, and therefore he seems to have made the most massive dessert ever, with an overdressed cupcake, fruit, ice cream, cookies, and possibly some donut holes thrown in for good measure.

So they begin with DaCody Diablo and her Finger-Fucked-Fribble…

a.k.a. Bananas Fantasy

And if they’re not banana’ed out already, we now have Chris Scary and his Plate’O'Confusion…

wow, looks like the only thing I was kidding about was the donut holes

Next we get Ninja Eddie’s panna cotta…

which looks like you’re going to be eating a Muppet head

Ooooh, Kari-Out is going to be pissed, she hates raspberries! Her inner fat kid is probably still whining about that awful bloody plate from the last course. Anyhow, finally closing out this Meal From Heaven is Jobless Grayson…

and her Skidmark Surprise™

Kameroon notices right away that Ninja Eddie made an Edible Elmo, but Kari-Out is complaining that it was “jiggly” (which prompts another barely concealed eye-roll from Daddy Tom) and it’s clear that she has never had panna cotta in her life, because it’s supposed to jiggle (according to Jay “FugTaser” Raymer, who judged the first two seasons of Top Chef Masters, it should “wobble like a woman’s breasts“). KimKyle says it tastes much fancier than it looks.

Moving on to Jobless Grayson’s dish, Troy thinks it looked great but was “a little too rich” for his taste buds. Then they move along to Chris Scary’s Dessert Platter… Kameroon gurgles that she loves the ice cream while Courtney is saying he’s never had a “fine-dining cupcake” before, and Scary’s is one of the bestest he’s ever aten! What’s priceless is the fact that throughout this exchange Daddy Tom and CaJohn Besh are sharing some silent communication across the table…

this sucks

and blows

Scar must have tripped to their telepathy, because she very pointedly asks Daddy Tom what he thinks of Scary’s Lunky Lollapalooza. Daddy trots out that old line if you don’t have anything nice to say, then go to work for TVGasm.com don’t say anything at all, “I’ll just remain silent right now!” Courticosteroid looks embarrassed. As for DaCody Diablo’s bread pudding and date-shakes, Ms. Rich-Bitch Peasant Blouse says she could eat it every day, and KimKyle agrees, she thought it was worth every calorie. And with that, dinner is over, and none too soon from the look on Daddy Tom’s face as CourtContempt prattles on and on about what a difficult decision they all have ahead of them and he doesn’t envy them for having to make it and now they are all going out for margaritas and…

shutupshutupshutupshutupgoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway

Tonight’s vignette is all about Cocky Chewy and his Magical Dad who can cook anything, kill anything, build anything, break anything…

behold, the Latin MacGyver

How weird, he kinda looks like LimpHawk. Anyhow, Scar finds the chefs in their Stew Patio and asks to see GroanyBooger, Jobless, TexAsian and DaCody Diablo… all of whom are making bread pudding in their pants until they get into the Judges’ Table area and are told they are the night’s favorite dishes…

and everyone is relieved except DaCody who still looks pretty stabby

After some more praise for their various accomplishments (two desserts on the top is pretty awesome) we find out tonight’s winner is… TexAsian!…

congrats… and your prize is bupkes

TexAsian is too elated to care about not winning a trip to Iceland, he’s just happy for the morale boost. But now, arriving back at the Stew Patio, he breaks the news that they want to see Penis-Hair, Ty-Böre, Cocky Chewy… and Chris Scary.

And after they shuffle into the Judges’ Table area, Daddy starts right in on Scary, saying he could not understand what the point-of-view was supposed to be, it was like a child turned loose on a buffet of cupcake toppings and they just went nuts and dumped some of everything on their plate. Scary whines that Kameroon and CourtOrder “threw a lot” at them and he just wanted to give them everything they asked for. CaJohn says he should have listened and edited what they asked for instead of caving into all their desires and handing in a big mess…

hating his inner fat man more than ever

Scar wants to know if Ty-Böre was satisfied with his platter of pork when it went out. He mumbles no. She presses for details and he admits “It wasn’t clean enough.” Gail says it was out of proportion, the meat chunks were too large, as were the fruit and veggie pieces. CaJohn says Ty-Ty needs better knife-skills, “the meat was kind of hacked and stacked in a way that didn’t slice naturally…”

fuck you, I once made a sammich for Bill Gates

Next Scar wants to know how Cocky Chewy came up with that weird ass Salmon’N'Cheese dish. At first I thought he was going to blame his father, El MacGyver Real, but no, Chewy says it’s actually been on the menu at his restaurant and that it’s supposed to be like a play on lox and bagels…

guess who’s never coming to dinner?

Gail blows that bullshit out of the water when she says she thought of that, too, but that the dish didn’t taste anything like lox and bagels, the overcooked salmon was one issue, and the goat cheese became mealy as well. Chewy tries a different tack, claiming that if he took the salmon out at a medium well temp the cheese wouldn’t be hot in the middle. Daddy Tom’s shaking his head, saying if you have to make the salmon overcook in order to get the cheese hot, then “why is that a good dish??!?”…

umm, yo tengo nada

Finally, Penis-Hair gets to tell the story of walking through KimKyle and Justin’s house and seeing his cigar casings and how he wanted to really win with this dish. Daddy Tom says sometimes you have to let go of certain “novel ideas” and let the ingrediences be more important than the concept of actually eating a cigar…

ho ho ho, does this bring back Monica Lewinsky memories for anyone?

CaJohn says it was nothing but a gimmick, the collard greens had stringy spines that were difficult to eat, and that Penis-Hair should not get caught up in the details of making realistic looking “ash”, but instead focus on making good food…

DUH

They are dismissed, and after Daddy Tom and company have some pretty angry talk about how a lot of these problems were caused by the chefs just throwing shit at the wall and seeing what would stick, they are brought back, and tonight’s loozah is…

¡qué sorpresa!

The other three (Ty-Böre, Scary and Penis-Hair) all look like someone just handed them back their balls on a silver platter. Some of the other chefs look like they’re pretty incredulous too, considering the fucked-upness of the other bottom dishes. Ah well, maybe Cocky Chewy won’t be so cocky after this, he admits that maybe he’s not so good under pressure and that he’s become more humble because of this experience. Well, that’s sweet, bye Chewy…

BUT WAIT! Suddenly, instead of being back at the Dallas Hotel where they supposedly “moved” to, he’s back picking up his things… at the San Antonio house?!?!?…

editing FAIL

Ah well, we know the drill by now, he finds a letter from Daddy Tom stashed in his porn asking him to meet him at Redemption Kitchen. When he gets there and sees BlackBear, Daddy Tom makes sure to point out that the big man is 2 for 2, having sent home BaldBear and LimpHawk already. And tonight’s challenge is for the chefs to go visit a meat market…

without giggling at the name

OK, I might have tampered with that a little, it’s actually Bolner’s, and BlackBear and Cocky Chewy are there to pick up a giant side of beef. BlackBear says he’s kind of in awe, he’s never been to an actual meat market like this before…

if by “awe” he means “digusted”

At first I thought the butcher guy was going to make them have to hack the 778-pound USDA Prime forequarter into smaller usable pieces, but instead he just shows them how he uses various knives and saws to give them both a package of tomahawk steaks to put into the spacious back trunk of their Cloyota Penis V. Great, so this was pretty much just a commercial for Boner’s and Cloyota? LAME.

Okay, so the real challenge is for them to take the rib racks they’ve been given and butcher five bone-in ribeye steaks, and then prefectly cook one of them medium-rare. That last bit is giving Cocky Chewy the squitters, because he knows Daddy Tom is a master of meat cookery, “You’re talking to the Puff Daddy of steaks!”…

is everyone on this cast stuck in the 90′s? ‘cuz it’s just “Diddy” now

Anyhow, they’ve got 45 minutes to make clean chops and make a steak with even searing and a nice crust on it. While they’re working, BlackBear asks Cocky why he got kicked out, and Chewy replies that he “overcooked the hell out of a very un-overcookable dish”. Ummm, I’m not sure that’s exactly accurate, but whatever, Chewy’s doing great with his knife skills, his steak-bones look very clean. As for the steak itself, he’s just using salt and pepper, grilling it and then putting it in the oven. BlackBear, on the other hand, is using a spice blend he calls “blackening salt” and appears to be doing some kind of veggie side dish. He’s also frying his steak on an upside-down cast iron pan…

and finishing it off with a blow-torch?

Gosh, I hope Daddy Tom likes just a hint of butane with his steak. Time is up, and he starts with BlackBear’s butchery… he says two of them are very clean but the other two he missed some stuff on the bones, and they’re all apparently different sizes. Then he moves on to BlackBear’s steak…

smothered in butter and accompanied by a little weed as a bribe

Cutting it open, Daddy Tom points out that BlackBear’s steak is cooked a little more on one side than the other, and after tasting it he pronounces it “almost there”. Ruh-roh. I no rike.

Moving on to His Cockiness, Daddy Tom immediately notices that he cut the fat cap off of the steaks. Chewy says he just wanted to leave the meat and have no gristle, but Daddy Tom laments the fact that the fat has so much flavor in it. All my fat boys and girls raise your hands and say aaaaaaa-men! As for the steak he cooked, Chewy’s fancies himself a steak purist and only used regular salt and pepper…

and just a splash of returning arrogance

Well, Daddy says BlackBear did a nice job with his butchery, but things were a tad uneven, and one of his steaks had a divot taken out of it. His cooking was also nice, it was well-seasoned, but done a little more on one side than the other. Cocky Chewy, on the other hand, had perfectly clean bones, and his cooking was great, but Daddy wishes he had left the fat cap alone. In the end, it came down to the uneven sear, so…

Cocky Chewy gets to go swimming in a chef coat!

Poor BlackBear, I was really kinda hoping for him to make it a few more rounds, he seemed like he was much a sweeter guy than he got credit for during his one group challenge, and so far every chef that’s come through has said sweet things about him. Still, it’s time for him to go…

seeya at the reunion!

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Can you believe the product placement is getting so out of hand? How many more car commercials can they work into these challenges? Do you think it was Chewy’s time to go, or should it have been Scary, or Ty-Böre, or Penis-Hair instead? And how about those clueless couples? I have never seen Daddy Tom be so bitchy before. I like it. Hey, let’s try something fun and new this week! How about tell us what would be in your survival kit if you had one, K? I’m gonna guess that Flipit’s would have a fifth of vodka, a Little Caesar’s pizza, a skirt made out of fart cushions (by Squircangle herself), maybe a pair of VanderPumps and a recap in on time from me.

Thanks as always for taking the time out to read, comment, etc. I always appreciate it very much. I’m sorry to say I don’t have any kitty porn this week because we are having remodeling done to the inside of our house, and everybody is really unsettled, Chunky and Chica both keep trying to get into the Forbidden Zone and eat the drywall and are working my last nerve. I will try to have some next week, though.

love, J-Mo