Top Chef Recap: Evil Queens From Hell

Welcome back, y’all, and thanks for tuning in again! I know things have been a little weird around here lately, but please believe me when I say that everyone is working their butts off to keep things running smoothly (or at all). Me, I just got back from L.A. where I was helping my BF celebrate his birthday (he can order off of all the pages of the Denny’s menu now!) and while I was there I had a meeting with Flipit in which he said I was going to need to start making my pictures smaller…

hope
everybody
has
reading
glasses
and
some
ibuprofen

KIDDING, they don’t have to be that small, but I am going to have to scale back a bit for the sake of Flipit’s continued sanity site bandwidth… it just makes me a little sad, because on this week’s episode of Top Chef Texas we were graced by the presence of an Oscar-winning celebrity actress who is really pretty and famous for playing kinda ugly…

and I really wanted you all to get the full effect of her being both at the same time

But first, in order to know where we’re going, we need to take a look at where we’ve been. So last week we learned…

that Mousy and GroanyBooger believe “yelling at you” is the same thing as “consulting with you on your dish”

and that Bore-verly is very grateful for any input, especially when she wins trips and wine as a result

and that even if you make a mean McNugget, you can still suck at Thai food

This week we begin in the Stew Room where the boys are half-heartedly congratulating Bore-verly on her win, while Mousy Lindsay and Sarah GroanyBooger studiously refuse to look in her direction. GroanyBooger tells us she’s happy that Half Busted won, but she still thinks Mousy should be carting around the giant bottle of wine because “she really was the glue that held us all together.”…

behold the Elmer’s of Half Busted

Either BoogerWoman has a really spotty memory, or she really just hates Bore-verly winning so much that she’s willing to forget the tornadic tidal wave of swearing and bitching and hiding-from-the-dining-room that was Mousy during their Restaurant Wars dinner service. If anything, Mousy should be thanking the hell out of the boys from Canned Peen for screwing up worse than she did.

Daddy Tom appears in the door of the Stew Room, and GroanyBooger continues to show her steely inner strength and her hunger to compete for the title of Top Chef by whining “Noooooooooooo!” at his sudden arrival. Relax, Groany, he’s just here to tell y’all that you’re checking out of the Boner Inn and driving back to Casa De Cheffo in San Antonio tonight. It’s not like they expect you to find yet another way to make risotto.

The boys escape to one minivan where Penis-Hair complains that he’s the only one who hasn’t won anything and he’s done different food every single time. He neglects to mention that every single one of his dishes has been doused in one chemical or another. And it’s not that people don’t like chemicals, if you can make them look and taste like Easy-Cheese, we love it, but if you hand us steaming frozen piles of peanut butter dogshit, not so much. Ignoring him, TexAsian quietly says he’s pretty sure the girls are all angry that Bore-verly won. We then cut to the ladies in their minivan, where Bore-verly has been trying to lighten the mood by singing “Ninety-Nine Bottles Of Beer On The Wall”…

sadly, after she gets to seventy-five and no one has joined in, she lapses into silence as well

Bore may be a dork, but she’s not stupid, and she says she knows Mousy is mad about her winning, but she insists she snagged that booze-cruise fair-and-square. Meanwhile, Mousy starts uselessly whining about how haaaaaard it was to corral and brief all those servers and to set up the dining room all by herseeeeelf. She interviews that she’s just got really high standards and claims that her totally unprofessional behavior and attitude towards Bore-verly was completely justified because Bore “dropped the ball”…

plus it’s fun just being a bitch sometimes

The next morning GroanyBooger’s watching TexAsian make breakfast and telling us how excited she is to be so close to being in the Final Four because she truly believes she belongs there. She also hilariously claims she will fight “tooth and nail” to get there, which just proves my point that her memory sucks, since she’s obviously forgotten about how she whined like a tired four-year-old who missed her nappy-time the night before when Daddy Tom appeared and made them all think they were going to have to do another challenge. Guess who I’m rooting for to be eliminated in fifth-place? Right after a certain boner-necked beyotch.

In any case, the chefs arrive back at the original Top Chef Kitchen to find Scar standing there with on-again/off-again Guest Judge Eric Ripert, one of the few French men that I find genuinely frightening…

ayyam hongree to eed yoor SOOOULZ

Ninja Eddie sees that behind Le Rippert there is a semi-circular conveyor belt half-embedded in the wall, and guesses that it means something majorly sucky for the chefs. He’s right, because Scar says today’s QuickFire is going to be all about quick-thinking. Le Rippert says they arr timez whayn zey haff dayz to theenk an reetheenk thair planz for zee pairfeckt deesh… bud they arr ozzer timez whayn zey haff to mayg queek deeceezhonz een da keetchayn. Everyone stands there looking blank until Scar finally speaks up and clarifies that the conveyor belt is going to have a parade of ingrediences going by, and that they will have 30 minutes to cook a sophisticated dish using three of those ingrediences. The TC Pantry is also open to them, but they have to use all three items they pluck from the belt.

Le Rippert says nyew eengreedeeaynce weel bee comming oud conzdantlee an zee longair zey waiyt, zee beddair zee chanze zey weel bee abowl too uze a grade eengreedeeaynce BUD zey weel haff lezz tiyeem onze clog too koook. Weiner gedz eemyooneetee. Everyone still looks puzzled until Scar says their time starts now, and the conveyor belt starts up…

whizzing only the best in culinary flavors in a semi-circle

There are other items like Oreos, Rice Krispies and Goldfish crackers that follow the Pop Rocks (that’d be my whole dish right there), and most of the chefs decide to run to the pantry and start getting their other basics ready while they wait for something edible to show up. In the meantime, Ninja Eddie grabs a passing bowl of macadamia nuts and runs back to his station with them, and then for some reason he runs back and grabs a jar of sauerkraut as well…

maybe I’ll make Hawaiian/German cookies of some kind?

I would have thought that Penis-Hair would have jumped at the Pop Rocks, but apparently those don’t have enough chemicals in them so he’s not interested. Meanwhile Jobless Grayson has started making a carrot and white wine sauce in the hopes that some kind of nice fish will come sailing through the hole in the wall. With the Magical Elves sense of humor, what she’ll probably find is a bucket of crappie. And oh my, look what just sailed through the hole! It’s a bucket of live lobsters! Penis-Hair caught sight of them, too! Can he get to them in time before they fly back through the exit hole?…

waow waow waow waaaaaow

Penis-Hair stands by the entry hole waiting for them to come back around again, and when they don’t he gets very frustrated, “Oh man, they took it off, those fucking bastards!” Now he can either wait and see if they come back while the time keeps ticking down, or he can go back to his station and cook some more stuff. He decides to go back to his station.

TexAsian is also watching the clock ticking down, and when his impatience gets the better of him, he up and grabs a packet of saffron, some white bread and a couple of bitter melons… and then immediately regrets the choice because he says no matter what you do to bitter melons, they are still gonna taste a little bitter…

much the same can be said for bitter women

And speaking of bitter, GroanyBooger’s been standing there quite a while waiting for something good to show up… but now that they’re down to 15 minutes she gets too antsy and grabs a bucket of Saltines. For some reason she thinks her choice is a huge “risk”, but I can’t think of a bigger blank canvas to draw on than Saltines when it comes to food pairing. Don’t they go with just about anything? And didn’t her homegirl Mousy use them just a few episodes ago and call them a club sammich?

Hey, let’s see what’s Bore-verly’s been up to, shall we? Well, she decided to just start creating a fish dish out of TC Pantry stuff and plans to incorporate whatever ingrediences she ends up with from the belt into it. After waiting longer than she’s comfortable, Bore eventually grabs the Rice Krispies, some tofu and canned black-eyed peas and calls it good, saying she can fuse these things with her style. Which probably means “I can make them taste like asian food” but I’m not gonna ride her about that any more because GroanyBooger is just as guilty of culinary one-track-mindedness when it comes to Italian stuff.

Meanwhile, some sadistic Magical Elf has suddenly put the bucket of lobsters back on the belt, and Penis-Hair catches sight of them just past their apogee point…

bwahahahaha, outsmarted again by a glorified lazy Susan!

And once again, the crustaceans do not reappear after they have vanished through the exit hole. Spewing another stream of expletives, he stomps back to his station. A few moments later, they reappear and this time GroanyBooger immediately calls Penis-Hair’s attention to them. He books for the belt, and manages to reach through the exit hole and into the bucket to grab a lobster juuuust as it sails away again. Personally I think this is kind of cheating, but nobody else raises much of a fuss about it, so whatever.

Mousy has been waiting a looong time for some kind of awesome protein to appear, and her prayers are answered when a small piece of grouper trundles by. She also grabs some clams and decides to try to make a bouillabaisse. Then she remembers she only has ten minutes left and that the guest judge is Le Rippert and laughs that he’s prolly going to rip her sad attempt into shreds. I kind of wish that were true, but we all know how tricky editing is, so I’m betting she’s probably going to be in the top on this one.

Her nemesis Bore-verly is continuing to frantically cook as the time ticks down from 30 seconds, and she barely gets her fish plated before Scar calls time. It’s only afterwards that she realizes her curried Krispies did not make it onto the dish…

and now it lacks snap, crackle and immunitypop

Dammit Bore! Just when I was starting to think you might have had a chance at pulling ahead! Oh well, let’s start off with Ninja Eddie, who had macadamia nuts, sauerkraut and black truffle as his ingrediences…

and I guess he used bleached truffle, cuz that dish looks awful white

Le Rippert wants to know eef hee tozt da magademmia nudz. Eddie says he did and Erique just nods, so I still dunno what the significance of tozting is. They move on to Penis-Hair who is super-proud and mega-excited about his last-chance lobster, foie gras and vanilla creation…

so excited, in fact, that his lobster came harder than ever

So. Tired. Of. That. Shit. Just because they have plates the size of twelve-inch disco singles doesn’t mean you have to use up the space on them with pretentious pseudo-artistic dribbles every single time, does it? I mean, I’m gay, and therefore no stranger to scenes that look like the picture above, and even *I* am kinda grossed out by it…

alzo I seenk Le Rippert eez nod ligeeng too eet a deesh covaired een jeez, eezair

After tasting it, Scar says something about how the coupling of cauliflower with milk and vanilla is bringing out a lot of chocolate notes, and Le Rippert agrees. Now Penis-Hair thinks he’s got a winning dish on his hands. Which prolly means he’s bottoming out again. Time to see what Jobless Grayson did with Goldfish, grapefruit and Dover Sole…

which earns today’s Cray-Cray Crayola Award™

Scar observes how clever Jobless was with “putting Goldfish on fish” and asks Le Rippert if he’s ever done the same. He laughingly admits he hazz nod, but then Jobless has to make it all awkward by stammering “You probably shouldn’t.”…

this girl is always five seconds too late with her in-head filtering device

Le Rippert kindly calls it “eentairezteeng” before they escape to TexAsian’s bitter melon, saffron and Wonder Bread™ blend…

cleverly disguised so you can see none of those ingrediences clearly

We can plainly see that Le Rippert is grimacing as he forces some of the broth down, and TexAsian is pretty sure he’s pooed the screwch on this QuickFire…

wish I had a doobie

Next in line is GroanyBooger, who grabbed herself some artichokes and cottage cheese to go with those super-rebellious and risky Saltines…

the only think risky about this dish is that it didn’t come with french fries

OK, I’m an admittedly terrible cook with a culinary repertoire that consists mainly of being able to make Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from memory and peeling back plastic coverings before microwaving things, but even *I* can make a decent crusting of cracker crumbs on stuff before deep-frying it, so I am not really that impressed by BoogerWoman’s imagination here. On the other hand, there is one thing I do find very impressive about GroanyBooger as she giggles and flirts with Le Rippert…

gums

Thanks for flossing. It’s time to see what Mousy Lindsay hath wrought with her grouper, clams and pernod combod…

very mellod-yellod

After ominously confirming with Mousy that this was “a bouillabaisse idea”, Scar and Le Rippert end up with Bore-verly and her tofu, Rice Krispies and black-eyed peas treat…

as if anybody could make that terrible music group palatable

When they ask about the missing Rice Krispies, Bore sheepishly shows them the pan containing their curried little corpses, and says she’s so sorry for serving an incomplete dish…

guess her little fan club is not sorry at all

Scar and Le Rippert say they’re sorry for her, too, and then ask if they can taste the dish with the Krispies anyhow, just to see what the difference would have been. Bore-verly obliges them, and after tasting, Le Rippert says eet eez actshooelly vayrey nize…

which brings a heartbroken grimace, but no tears

Ninja Eddie thinks Bore should have cheated and thrown some of the Krispies into the air in the hopes that they would have made it onto her plate. As if Scar and Le Rippert would not have noticed the crunchiness on the floor in front of her station.

Well, chocolate notes or no, it looks like I called it for Penis-Hair, because he’s on the bottom. Le Rippert says heez lobstair deesh weezza foie gras deeden’t reelee comm togezzair, an zee eengreedeeaynce deeden’t complemainz eech ozzer. Also sucking was Jobless, zee ceetross flevvurs wair ovairwaylmeeng, zay nomb zee palayte ann zay cood nod tazte zee foodz aftair zat. Joining this parade of awful is TexAsian, because zee mussaylz wair nod reelee appeeleeng whayn sairve weet zee beetair maylon. It takes a while, but eventually everybody sounds it out and realizes Le Rippert is not complimenting them, and then they look sad.

So whose dishes did he lige? Well, GroanyBooger’s for one, zee sofshayl waz goood, he lige zee arteechoges… bod zee fagt zat shee uzzed a cheezz too meka sozz weez airbs woz eentrazteeng anna supraiyze. Got that? Me neezair. Also on top is Miss Mousy Bonerneck, zee flevvurs een hair booleyabaze wair compleemaynteeng ann armoneeus. Ahh, but he saved the best/worst for last, as he tells Bore-verly he liged vayrey moch her salmonn, ann thad shee deeda vayrey goojobb mekeeng a sozz oudovv towfoo, wheech eeza grade compleemaint comeeng fromma pairzon whoo dozz nod lige towfoo. Eet eez ollzow vayrey onfordjoonayte zat shee forgod too poot zee Rize Kreespeez onnza plade. Scar says if she had used all three ingrediences she would have won this QuickFire “by a mile“…

make that “by an extra-bitter mile”

That hissing sound? Is the ego deflation going down on either side of Bore-verly right now. She says all she needed was five more seconds and she could have won this one, but Le Rippert says zee eemyooneetee goze too Leendzee, who rightfully acknowledges that this win is a mighty big backhanded compliment, she gets the prize, but she also knows her dish was not the best… and while she’s going to go ahead and take the immunity, she wishes it was not under these circumstances. It’s at this point in seeing her somewhat rueful smile that I notice what large canines she has…

which would explain the paleness and tendency towards evil

Damn, we’re stuck with her dickneck for at least another week. Let’s find out about the Elimination Challenge. Scar says they have to make a dish “fit for a queen”…

and yes, it would have been fabulous if this was what they meant, but we’re not quite there on this show just yet

Penis-Hair is having trouble figuring this one out and guesses it might be either the Queen of England, or maybe Queen Latifah…

kinda surprised he didn’t say Queen Amidala first

No, instead Scar plugs a brand new fairy-tale-related movie coming out, you know the one I mean, it’s title comes from a pseudonym for cocaine and the politically incorrect term for little people. And then we find out that tonight’s guest judge isn’t even a titular character in the film…

but she’s real good at playing homely lesbian sociopaths, so it’s ok

You guessed it! Tonight’s celebrity judge is Charlize Theron, and the chefs are shitting themselves because they love her so much. GroanyBooger in particular says she is freaking because she loves Char’s work and thinks she is super-talented. I have to say I agree, one of my most favorite scenes of hers involves Char beating the shit out of Teri Hatcher (it’s from this really awesome movie called 2 Days In The Valley, if you wanna see the scene I’m talking about, click here).

Well, it turns out good ole FuggoChar is a big fan of Top Chef and she actually likes to eat, too. No word on whether or not she gets to keep any of it down, but for now we’ll say she’s still tasting her dinner only once and leave it at that. In any case, Scar mentions that this film is going to be a much “darker interpretation” of the classic fairy tale (I dunno about you guys, but the cartoon one was scary enough for me) and FuggoChar says she plays the “evil queen” who is “pretty much a serial killer”…

so this will be familiar ground for her

Scar then says their Elimination Challenge is to prepare a seven-course “gothic feast” fit for a queen, and that each dish is supposed to be “wickedly beautiful”, just like FuggoChar’s character in the new movie…

where she’s like the chillier, yet sexier version of Mrs. Olson, extolling the virtues of rich, aromatic, mountain-grown coffee

FuggoChar says she really wants them to take risks with these dishes and “think like an evil queen”. That is gonna be a tall order, considering that there are none left in this competition, but they head off to Whole Paycheck Market anyhow…

where Bore-verly easily outraces GroanyBooger to the meat counter

While everybody runs around, we hear their ideas: TexAsian is going to make an “enchanted forest” while Jobless Grayson plans to do a “mutilated chicken crime scene on a plate”, which sounds pretty scary since Jobless is not afraid to do fucked-up things to her food. Meanwhile we hear that GroanyBooger is really gonna stretch herself by doing… *gasp*… a risotto!…

no, really, this time it’s gonna be totally different than the last 37 times I’ve made it

See, she’s gonna find this special red wine to cook this version of her risotto, she believes this will satisfy the evil queen’s lust for a big bowl of bloody rice. Mmmm. Also going back to an old standby is Mousy Lindsay, who is going to uphold the fine tradition of competing for Top Scaylope, only this time she’s decided to serve it over a “bitches witches stew” made with Bore’s specialty: braised short-rib.

Back at Casa Del Cheffo, Ninja Eddie’s talking about his brilliant idea of dousing everyone in the dining room with a jar of pig’s blood…

we all know how well that usually turns out

When Ninja asks the others how they plan to incorporate evil into their dishes, Penis-Hair gets very excited and starts describing his bloody-apple-with-maggots-and-worms-dessert…

while Ninja has that look that says he wishes Penis-Hair would discover the science of Tic-Tacs

After nearly knocking Eddie on his ass with a sour blast of death-breath, Penis-Hair wanders towards the bedroom and we are treated to the sight of another one of his little methods of remaining unfuckable…

saggy moobs

Then he drops the biggest bombshell of them all as he picks up the [sponsored mobile device] and calls… his WIFE?!??!?! Holy fucklebuckles, I had no idea that we’d be presented with actual proof that Penis-Hair was really married, but then they show us his wedding picture and we see the deep level of utter commitment he has…

to maintaining a shitty hairstyle even on his wedding day

That groomsman is pretty cute, though. Anyhow, in the past, this phenomenon of Talking With The Wife/Girlfriend/Lover/Fuckbuddy While Getting Weepy was known as the [T-Mobile] Sidekick Of Death Edit™, and it was often a harbinger of the device-user being sent home. I can only hope that the Magical Elves have brought the practice back, but deep down I’d say that this Challenge seems to be custom-made for the kind of grotesque food Penis-Hair likes to put out, so I think he’s just having a verbal conjugal visit with his Wifeoid. To be honest, she seems like a sweet lady, telling him how tough he is and how proud she is of him, and it’s kind of a nice moment…

which is then ruined by this picture of his fascination with her distended preggobelly

I’m sorry, I know a lot of people think these kind of pictures are really beautiful, but they completely creep me out. Even when Demi Moore did it, I found myself wanting to go around attacking Vanity Fair covers with masking tape and Sharpies. Also, the double-standard regarding fat bellies bugs me to no end…

no one has ever told me this is beautiful or asked to rub it without calling me Buddha first

Out in the living room the rest of the chefs are having a mini-meeting as TexAsian goes over some kitchen-courtesy ground rules for the following day’s service (i.e. be respectful of other peoples’ workspace, don’t take stuff that doesn’t belong to you, ask if you need to borrow something, stop trying to trip Bore-verly when she runs by you, etc). Naturally, this is Mousy’s cue to remind us all that “a few people” (a.k.a. herself, GroanyBooger and Hag Heather) have had “issues” with Bore, “She’ll jump in front of you and grab something and not even think twice about it!”…

also terrible? she chews with her mouth open

Yeah, that’s almost as bad as, say, reaching into someone’s workspace and grabbing utensils out of their hands while you loudly berate and demean them in front of a bunch of other people…

while covering them in a cascade of f-bombs

Mousy needs to calm the fuck down, they’re going to be cooking, not playing Supermarket Sweep. Plus, they’ve all bought their own ingrediences, I can’t imagine that Bore-verly will have a chance to pull her dreaded Jump-In-Front-Of-You-And-Grab-Something-While-Not-Thinking-Twice-About-It Move™. But it would be super-funny if she did.

It’s the next night and the chefs have arrived at the Southwest School Of Art to begin their staggered two hours of cooking time. We really haven’t heard much from Ninja Eddie about what he plans to do, and he’s up first. He says he wants to make two sauces, one white, the other black, which he says is going to represent the “classic struggle between good and evil”…

oh good, for a second there I thought he was going to do something stereotypically asian

Meanwhile, TexAsian is working hard on his “Enchanted Forest” idea, but he’s stressing even harder because he has fourteen different components to his dish that he has to keep an eye on. And now I must bow my head in subservient awe to this young man, because I get completely flustered if someone asks me to heat up some corn while I’m making the Stove Top Stuffing. Two pots boiling at the same time is scaaaary.

We also hear from Bore-verly that she plans to make a forbidden black rice along with a seared piece of halibut. TexAsian tells us he thinks Bore chose to do this particular fish in order to show Mousy Lindsay just how well she really can cook halibut, and maybe prove that it was Mousy’s shitty directions and methodology that caused her dish to fail at Half Busted, not Bore’s desire to fuck it all up. Anyhow, Tex goes on to say that a lot of the other chefs underestimate Bore’s true abilities, “What a lot of people don’t realize is that she’s had more cooking experience than anybody in the house right now…”

she’s also sort of insane, but in a sweet way

Suddenly… it happens… that thing we were all worried about… our worst nightmare is coming true before our horrified eyes… the very fabric of the space-time continuum is going to tear wide open and utter chaos is about to spill forth into the universe… OH MY DEAR GOD, BORE-VERLY JUST WALKED IN FRONT OF MOUSY IN THE KITCHEN…

AND SHE’S NOT THINKING TWICE ABOUT IT

The only way this could get any worse would be if she would grab something that Mousy needed, but thankfully, that apocalyptic crisis has not materialized. Yet. And speaking of Mousy, guess what she’s busy doing?…

flogging her relationship with Michelle Bernstein some more

Let’s check in with GroanyBooger. She’s cooking up lamb hearts, which she claims is like “the best steak you’ve ever had”…

too bad it looks more like the Salisbury variety

Also working with an odd protein is Jobless Grayson, who’s in the process of dismembering her mothercluckin’ black chickens…

great, so dinner needs a pedicure and some Desenex

She’s a little worried about using this kind of chicken (which of course she has never worked with before tonight) and says it’s very lean and can easily overcook, which would make it taste like a sandy dishtowel. She better serve it with some black ranch dressing on the side just in case.

Ah Penis-Hair, he’s bragging that he’s “the chef that likes to land on the moon first” which obviously means he’s going to use *gasp* liquid nitrogen in his “poisoned apple” dish…

sorry Penis, but BlazeHawk beat you to that moon years ago

Oh, but this doesn’t stop him from tootling his own molecular flugelhorn about how risky everything he does is, and that whenever you’re cooking something completely new there’s always a chance that it might not work out the way you want it to. Kinda like his frozen deconstructed dogshit cigar fences.

Oh no, it looks like a couple of TexAsian’s fourteen dish components got away from him, and now he has a pot of burnt beet juice and some blackened cocoa nibs. He wisely chooses not to serve these with his dish. He does not pat himself on the back for having thought of fourteen components for his dish, nor does he claim to be inventing new cuisine, and this is part of the reason why I like him so much…

plus, you can never go wrong with a buzz cut

Ah, the judges (Daddy Tom, Scar, La Gassy, Le Rippert and FuggoChar) have gathered in their gothic dining room, which looks appropriately dungeon/church-like…

clearly the perfect place to be judgmental about stuff

Daddy Tom wants to know what they consider “wicked food”. Being from Boston springs to mind, but FuggoChar says if she was to cook an evil dish, she would just make whatever, put poison in it and call it a day…

just sayin’, don’t eat the macaroni salad if you get invited to my house

Back in the kitchen, Ninja Eddie is putting down little pieces of fried fish-skin that still have the scales attached all over his dish, they look like dangerous little spikes. He believes this is the perfect beginning to a wicked meal…

and no one will need toothpicks the rest of the night

And he’s the first to present his ping-pong yin-yang battle of good versus evil…

a.k.a. chocolate and vanilla

It’s not surprising that Scar immediately says how much she likes the fried fish scales, that bitch will put anything in her mouth. Le Rippert says Ninja haz donna grade jobb weeza sozz, ann whayn yoo combayeen zem toogezzur zey arr evayn baydur. FuggoChar says if you eat the sauces from the outside in, it really does become like a war between good and evil. Daddy Tom makes a lame joke about how when you put evil and good together, you get a politician…

no, you just get yelled at by dumbasses

When nobody laughs at his little sally, Daddy quietly says Ninja did a great job with the tartare, and FuggoChar comments that the black garlic gives the dish an “assaulting” punch of flavor, which she likes. La Gassy says they are off to a good start.

Back in the kitchen, TexAsian has decided that the perfect accompaniment to his “enchanted forest” is going to be a big bloody beet juice hand-print in the middle of the plate…

it looks like the ending to Blair Witch Project, only it makes more sense

This was a good choice, because when his foresty plates are set down in front of the Judges, Scar lets out a moist “OooooOOOOOHHHHH!”…

like Little Dead Riding Hood after the wolf got her

FuggoChar immediately says she loves the way this looks, calling it both beautiful and scary at the same time. Le Rippert juzt hopezat TexAziun wazz wayreeng zee robbair glovv whayn hed poot heez hand onda pladez…

ai doo nod lige too eed skeen oylz weez mai foodz

Daddy Tom just laughs and calls it “playful” while FuggoChar correctly points out that Le Rippert is now scared and worried, “and that’s good!” Wow, she is wackier than I ever gave her credit for. Meanwhile, after tasting some of the forest, La Gassy says that the dish “potentially has big problems” but that TexAsian managed to bring it all together. Le Rippert pipes up that he ollzow liges zee peekailed halapaynos, zay geev eet a leedle keek. In short, another success.

It’s Bore-verly’s turn, and she is dying to prove to them all that she’s a great chef…

with her dish subtitled “What I’d Like To Do To The MousyBooger MonsterBitch”

Bore decides to tell them her wacky breathless interpretation of the story: “Snow White is the halibut who prevails in the midst of the evilness of the Wicked Witch (???) and-the-black-heart-from-the-forbidden-black-rice-and-the-bleedingness-of-the-serial-killer-hee-hee-hee-is-the-red-curry-sauce…”

andohmygodIthinkIjustshitarainbowcoloredunicornintomypantiesowowowie

Eventually Bore realizes she is rambling like a nutjob, trails off and wanders out of the dining room. After she leaves, FuggoChar says with mock-anger “I mean, who is she to call me ‘black heart’?… really… Beverly!” Giggles from around the table, and I’m a little worried about Bore’s food… but as everyone digs in, Scar’s first comment is “Mmmmmmm!”, and Le Rippert says zee piyeenappel eez goot weetheet becozz eez nod too caramaylaize annod too zweet. FuggoChar says her fish is perfectly cooked, and Daddy Tom thinks the rice is great as well. Wow, three courses and nobody has spit anything out. That’s a clear record for this season.

Speaking of halibut and wicked witches, Mousy’s back in the kitchen finishing off the sear on her scallops. She’s a little worried because she did not really use any “wicked” ingrediences like organs or beetblood, but she admits if she had tried to get all wackadoobie she doesn’t think she would have been comfortable with her food. As a result her dish has a lot of brown in it…

like someone murdered a sixteenth-note and then shit on it

La Gassy immediately says how much he’s enjoying the aroma of the dish, and FuggoChar agrees, and both she and Scar and Le Rippert proclaim their scallops to be cooked to perfection. Daddy Tom thinks the stew is so damned good…

that he has ejaculated

Scar says she likes the fact that Mousy called it a “witch’s stew” because she can picture an old witch stirring her cauldron…

or perhaps doing the Cabbage Patch Dance

FuggoChar marvels over the aptly named “dragon-beans” while Daddy Tom makes another lame joke about the evil queen making this dish with peasants instead of pheasants. After the Symphony Of Awkward Crickets™ dies down, Scar says that Mousy may not have needed her immunity after all.

GroanyBooger is plating her dish, which looks more like pork’n'beans than wine-soaked risotto topped with cardiolamb. She’s still smarting over the fact that Cowboy Tim Love did not like her risotto dish (which was several risotto dishes ago) but this time she’s certain that it is perfect…

i.e. it perfectly resembles a Bowl’O'Bulimia™

Daddy Tom looks dubious, but after they taste it, Le Rippert says eet eez vayrey flevvurfool, and La Gassy agrees BoogerWoman has done a fine job with it. Daddy Tom is enjoying the currants and pear and chunks of heart, he thinks it is quite delicious. FuggoChar looks up and gasps “Oh my God, I am this queen! This heart is phenomenal!” and calls out a command for someone to BRING HER MORE HEART…

or else for my next role I will play a short fat black man

Time is running out in the kitchen on Jobless Grayson’s black chicken creation, and she’s a little worried that she’s taking the challenge too literally again…

well, I was gonna kill a live chicken at the table, but that bitch Charlize is wearin’ white

She says her plate really does look like a slaughterhouse…

or the snuff film version of Chicken Run

It certainly makes an impression as the servers lay it on the table, Daddy Tom is chortling and Scar gives an impressed “Whoaaa!” Jobless doesn’t even notice their reactions because she’s too busy geeking out over serving food to FuggoChar…

while simultaneously making her intensely uncomfortable

Jobless is up front with them about having wanted the plate to look like the chicken got McNuggetized right there, “and the quail egg symbolizes the baby that was inside her when she got slaughtered.” Oh, good job, Grayson, there go your Pro-Life fans, off to cast more Fan Favorite votes for Chris Scary! FuggoChar’s comment? “You went there!” And by “there” I think she means Tastelesstown, but nobody could ever accuse Jobless of not going ladyballs-to-the-wall with this challenge.

After she leaves, FuggoChar exclaims that the presentation is amazing, and Daddy Tom says if it tastes as good as it looks, it’s gonna be great. Le Rippert says zee feet weeza nayils eez reelee gutzee. La Gassy likes how Jobless “totally went for it” and FuggoChar chimes in that the meat is actually crispy and delicious and juicy plus she loves the vinegared beets. Daddy Tom agrees that it has a ton of flavor…

while Le Rippert wants to wear the legs like dangly earrings

Last in line tonight is our Penis-Hair, who finally admits the truth: “I know I’ve been accused of maybe being a little gimmicky in the past…. but just because I play with liquid nitrogen in every single challenge doesn’t mean I do flash-in-the-pan gimmicky food!” Oh reeeeally??!??….

more like stuck-to-the-pan grievously dribbled-on food

This guy. If I hadn’t already nicknamed him Penis-Hair, I prolly would have been calling him Professor Piddles by now, because between his incessant smarter-than-thou attitude, his misaligned focus on oddball technique and chemical trickery over flavor and texture, and his constant pseudo-artsy-fartsy-plate-splattering, it would describe him perfectly. But I’ll stick to Penis-Hair, because penises are inherently funnier than almost anything (except maybe poo)…

this is way cooler than ice cubes, dammit!

In any case, the reason why he’s pouring extra freeze-your-nuts-off into a bowl is that he needs it to help present his dish to FuggoChar and company. Penis-Hair calls it an “apple pie cherry pie poisoned apple”, which just rolls right off the tongue…

and is exactly what I imagined being served a tumor would look like

He’s got Rice Krispy maggots and distressed gummi worms and then with a flourish, he tells them he’s going to finish it off with some “apple powder”…

a.k.a. halloween death-mist

Scar says she loves it, though, and when Daddy Tom breaks his cyst-like globule open, he audibly gasps “Look at that!”…

thanks, I’ve seen a popped mega-zit before

FuggoChar calls it beautiful, and Daddy Tom says the drama of it is great, “This is where sort of those bag of tricks actually work!” Ugh, TOLDJA. FuggoChar is now eating the bloody pus part and says it is “stunning” inside, the whole combination of it works for her. Daddy Tom agrees the flavor is great, the cherry is “deep and dark”, and Scar’s enjoying the cinnamon in it. La Gassy says this dish is SO Penis-Hair (truer words have not been spoken by the man) and back in the kitchen Bore-verly’s telling Penis how much she loves his maggots, which is surprising since Rice Krispies were what screwed her on the QuickFire.

Now that they have finished, FuggoChar professes her absolute undying love for the meal they have just been served, and Daddy Tom agrees that this was the most exciting food they’ve been served all season. The one who really floors me, though, is Le Rippert, who says hee theeng zat zee meel wozz wonn ovvzee baiyst meel heez ayvur hodd onn Topp Chaiyf. Thankfully, La Gassy is there to point out that there were still a few small out-of-step flaws here and there. Then FuggoChar says something about wanting head from the losing chef and I am glad we are going to commercial…

for FuggoChar’s next role as a scary bitch

She’s gonna make that same face when she realizes she has to go back to eating regular craft services crap like donuts. Anyhow, tonight’s vignette is all of the chefs waiting in the Stew Room and putting together a makeshift band, with Jobless and Penis-Hair playing bongobowls, GroanyBooger gargling water and beating on some Tupperware, Ninja Eddie shaking his nuts, Mousy whopping a wastebasket, TexAsian tapping tongs and looking embarrassed, and Bore-verly rhythmlessly banging some lids together…

until Ninja Eddie makes her stop

Scar appears and asks to see… all of them. Even stranger still, FuggoChar gets to continue to sit in at the Judges’ Table, and she tells the chefs if she actually had a castle, she’d be taking all of them with her so she could “torture and inspire” them to make these kinds of dishes every day. Ninja Eddie seizes a chance to ass-kiss and blurts “We are here to please you!”…

and clearly that one smelled as bad as it sounded

It is insanely amazing to hear every single chef get love for their food (for a change) but in the end the win winds up walking away…

with the WeedMaster

And as usual, GroanyBooger has her PageantFace™ on…

you thieving little fucker

I dunno why she’s so bitter, all TexAsian won was two tickets to the premiere of FuggoChar’s new movie when it comes out later on this summer (which is what? a $30 value if it’s in 3D?). But then Scar gives her a reason to be bitter as she sends Ninja Eddie, Mousy and Penis-Hair back to the Stew Room with TexAsian, they are all safe. This leaves GroanyBooger, Bore-verly and Jobless Grayson in the bottom. Daddy Tom says all their dishes were wonderful and they should put them on the menus of their restaurants at home…

minus the chicken-claws, natch!

Starting with GroanyBooger, FuggoChar says she loved the royal color of the dish, it was fit for a queen, but the first bite of risotto she had gave her a big hit of salt. Daddy Tom also says her risotto was a tad undercooked (HA!) and BoogerWoman is starting to question how she’s been making it in these past several challenges years, perhaps her method needs to change. Then for some reason she’s pleading with them to keep her in the competition, saying she has a lot to give and she eats, sleeps and breathes food (but mostly eats).

As for Bore-verly, Daddy Tom says he enjoyed her dish, but her arrowroot sauce became too thick and sticky. Bore admits she was not trying to go for a gruesome or wickedly grotesque quality, she wanted to have a more elegant and refined plate. FuggoChar says the fish was perfect, but agrees that the sauce had a weird texture. Then Bore’s pleading with them as well, saying she has something special in her heart, she’s competing for her family and has a lot to offer as well. They must be asking them why they should still be in the competition, thereby giving them a chance to cry…

and Bore definitely obliges them

Welcome back, weepywoman. Finally, Jobless Grayson gets told her black chicken homicide was great, but FuggoChar says the greens were salty, and Daddy Tom wishes the quail egg had been hard-boiled. Scar and La Gassy both say the foie gras wasn’t really integrated into the rest of her dish. Jobless says she felt like she went out on a limb, totally embracing the “wicked thing” while pointing out that Bore admitted she really did not. She also takes a backhanded swipe at Groany, saying she would have liked to make something far more familiar, such as pasta and risotto…

whonnnk whoooooooonnnk… the Jobless Bus is in high gear!

Jobless makes some good points, though, and isn’t really being bitchy or crazy about it….

the way some other people tend to be

I was really hating the fact that this was an impossible challenge to call a clear loser on, because tonight she winds up being…

dammit, Bore!

Yes, our gentle wackanut and Mean Girl Target™ is going home. Even more sadly interesting to see is the fact that some people…

just have to be bitches to the very bitter end

Yeah, GroanyBooger doesn’t hug Bore until Bore approaches her on their way out of the room. Bore says it hurts knowing that she could have had immunity if not for her little fuckup early on, but she’s proud of how much she was able to withstand all the “highs and lows” and that she never bus-fucked anybody. That’s great, and I’m happy for her, but so much for daily affirmations…

OR DID SHE???!?!??!

In my sadness over Bore’s dismissal, I almost forgot about Redemption Kitchen! Which naturally starts off with a recap of Hag Heather, GroanyBooger and Mousy Lindsay all talking shit to her while treating her like a slow-witted McDonald’s Crew Member…

guess who isn’t going to miss the abusive part of the show?

Ahhh, but then she finds another Affirmation in her suitcase…

hellz yeah!

She cannot suppress a smile, “Man, they don’t stop with the surprises!” Oh yeah, Bore, just wait until you get to the fun “surprise” where you have to see Hag all over again and have her judge your cooking. But first things first, she arrives at the Top Chef Kitchen to find Miss Divot Diva…

who looks predatory, but not pissy (like last week)

Divot Diva says when she sees Bore walk in the door, she’s pretty sure she’s got this one nailed. Daddy Tom also makes sure to point out to Bore that Diva sent Whatsherface, DaCody Diablo, Chris Scary, Hag Heather and Ty-Böre into the Pathetic Pit. Naturally, when Daddy Tom asks them all who they think is going to win, Hag calls out that her money is on Diva. Daddy Tom giggles about their having bad history…

surprise! this sucks

Bore says something about Hag having crossed the line and always gathering people against her. Of course, Daddy Tom just makes it more awkward when he asks if anybody is willing to bet on Bore-verly winning this challenge?…

and their ears are assaulted by the deafening sounds of eight people breathing

It’s pretty rude to see Daddy stirring the pot like this (likely at the behest of the Magical Elves, who have no doubt by now informed him of all the Bore-hate going on in the various Casas Del Cheffos) but Bore just shrugs it off and says she doesn’t care, she still believes in herself. So let’s get to this stupid challenge already.

Daddy Tom says it’s going to be about them using local fare, which means they will be cooking a black drum, which I guess is a fish that is native to the coastal Gulf Of Mexico waters…

ummm, does the name comes from oil drum?

They’ll have 30 minutes to cook the fish, but the twist is that they each only get one pass through the pantry, so they must make sure to pick up all the other ingrediences and the equipment they want to use in their dish on that one stroll. Their time starts, and while Divot Diva is confident, Bore is finding herself a little shaky. It doesn’t help that she winds up in a two-girl pile-up with Diva at the fridge…

where she is nearly clocked by onions

Divot Diva lets out a bitchy annoyed “Jesus Christ” at finding Bore in her way, but as usual, Bore could care less, she’s gonna make this one shot count as well. I’m not sure why Diva is being nasty to her, and perhaps she’s being a little overconfident, forgetting about the fact that the last time she cooked head-to-head with Bore-verly (the chili cook-off) she actually lost. Also, she didn’t count on the fact that Daddy Tom would pop up right after they got back to their stations and tell them that they have to surrender their ingrediences to the other chef. “Seriously?” she snarls…

and Korean Karma strikes again

Divot Diva is pissed that they have to switch stations, and naturally claims that she’s set Bore-verly up better than she’ll ever know. Then she bitches about the fact that Bore’s station is covered in corn-starch (so is Bore) and is mad that the fish has been dredged in it as well. Bore herself says she’s pretty sure Diva isn’t going to be happy with her choices because it’s probably not her style of food.

Out in the Pathetic Pit, BlackBear is bitching to BaldBear that it is bothering him to have to even watch this challenge because he’s so firmly behind Divot Diva and thinks she can win this. Wow, this bunch really hates Bore-verly with a serious passion, and I think it’s awful shitty of them…

also, Mr. Eliminated First For Pre-Cooked Shrimp should really shut his pie-hole

Now Diva is going through the bin that Bore-verly put together, and snots that there’s “nothing exciting” in it, all she sees are peppers, onions, ginger, garlic, some pineapple…

whyyyy are they making me work for this win?

I love how she calls Bore’s basket boring, when what Bore found in Diva’s pile of crap was an orange (citrus kinda like pineapple!), shallots (like onions) and butter. Ooh, I just got a boner writing that sentence, thanks Diva! I think she’s also forgetting about the fact that the ingrediences themselves really won’t matter if the chef can’t create anything good out of them. “Super not loving this!” she whineyells, and all her good buddies in the Pathetic Pit giggle accordingly.

Bore’s not paying attention, because she never does. She also seems to have forgotten about butchering her fish, though, and with 6:33 left on the clock, DaCody Diablo is muttering under her breath that she needs to start cutting it. Ty-Böre gleefully notices this as well, and LimpHawk finally yells out “DO YOUR FISH!!” Bore finally grabs it and begins to filet it with five minutes remaining. Both ladies get their fish filets on to cook at the same time, and Diva says she can feel the tension coming out of the Pathetic Pit…

that wouldn’t have anything to do with Ty-Böre continually overacting, would it?

I’ve been pretty solidly behind Divot Diva up until this point, but her entitled attitude and shitty behavior this time around has really kinda soured me on her, especially when she claims she “deserves” to be Top Chef (I guess winning that choice restaurant gig on that Food Network show wasn’t good enough for her?). Oh well, time is up, and Daddy Tom starts with Bore-verly’s dish…

oh yeah, black olives are mega-exciting as well, thanks Diva

I always pick those fuckers off of my pizza, plus when you slice them, they look those little roly-poly armadillo bugs that curl up when you poke them, blech. Anyhow, Bore compliments Diva on her choice of ingrediences anyhow, noting that they are very Mediterranean, which is not a style she favors. Daddy Tom asks Diva if Bore’s dish is what she had in mind, and she says not at all. Bore just giggles and Daddy moves on to Divot Diva’s dish…

that she was forced to make with aaaasian ingrediences!

And Diva complains non-stop about the cruel twist that was thrown at her while Daddy Tom eats her dish and tells both of them they’ve done a great job. He compliments Bore-verly on stepping outside of her Asian comfort zone, she delivered a nice dish, the fish was perfectly seasoned… he thinks she should start cooking like this more often…

while some other people continue to wish Bore would start breathing less often

As for Divot Diva, Daddy says he wants to bottle her pineapple chutney, he loved the acid punch and the flavors, plus the crispy slaw on top. In the end he says it came down to seasoning, Divot Diva’s fish was slightly underseasoned and so he has to give the win to…

the little wingnut that could

Bore lets out a tribal scream as (eventually) the other chefs in the Pathetic Pit give her a half-hearted smattering of applause…

and some don’t even bother doing that much

Meanwhile, Divot Diva still hasn’t changed position since Daddy Tom called Bore the winner…

he meant to say my name, right?

In the end she reluctantly gives up her chef coat and grudgingly admits that Bore-verly deserves to win just as much as the next person. For her part, Bore says she totally admires Divot Diva and claims they are still good friends…

mostly because she did not get stabbed during this hug

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Did you feel like Bore-verly was the right chef to be sent home, or did you think GroanyBooger’s (repeatedly) undercooked risotto or Jobless Grayson’s wacky blacky chicken should have gotten them booted instead? Do you think Penis-Hair’s gimmicky schtick is getting awful tired outside of weird challenges like this one? Do you think Scar is jealous of FuggoChar (who just happens to be even taller than she is)? And did you think the switch-off in Last Chance Kitchen was unfair to Diva, or should she have been able to still rise no matter what happened?

Once again, thank you all so much for your patience with my recapping and reading my drivel, I love all the commentary, and because people were so kind to wait, this week I have for you…

new kitty porn!

Chunky and Chica will be glad when this season is over and I can spend some more time doing things they like, such as paying attention to them and feeding them more of that squishy fish-pasty smelling stuff instead of giving them that dry crap that looks like cocoa pebbles but tastes like ass burgers. And nobody likes an ass burger.

love, J-Mo

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!