Top Chef Recap: Extreme Barbecuing

Happy New Year, ‘Gasmii! I hope everyone had a safe and fun time, wherever it was you went to celebrate. The BF and I decided to keep it low-key this year, so we went out to an insanely fancy dinner (at none other than Lé Rêd Löbstĕr, and it’s totally okay for you to feel superior to jealous of us). Then we met up with another couple and they tried to destroy our friendship before midnight by forcing us to watch Christina Aguilera try to act in Hurlesque Burlesque. We retaliated by forcing them to watch Showgirls (which is the exact same story, only less pretentious, and with a much higher gaping vagina and nipple count). Then we watched Dick Clark uncomfortably slur his way through another ball-dropping and went to bed, because the next day it was 80 degress and we were at another friend’s place where they were throwing a pool party and there was lots of beer…

which is why this was my face on January 2nd

I must admit, it was kind of nice to have a break from Top Chef Texas after all the nastiness of the last couple episodes. Thankfully we’ve had plenty of stuff happening right here at TVGasm to fill in the Asshole Void™ (if you don’t believe me, just take a look at the top items in the middle column at the bottom of this page). But we’re about to start right back up again, because chefs and assholes seem to go very well together, thus the term “chefhole” was born.

So, to review, last week we learned…

sometimes Scar likes to confuse people about what kind of Indian she is

Patti LaBelle showed up dressed in fancy bacteria

and Hag managed to capture, kill and cook Sasquatch

We open with an exterior shot of the real motel they’re putting the chefs up at…

welcome to Boner Inn

The finest in (hourly) lodgings available (blurry 70′s porn optional). Anyhow, as they all crack open some beer, Ty-Böre’s whining that he can’t believe his precious Hag got sent home, and GroanyBooger agrees that it is shocking, saying that Hag “at least had the heart, you know? She’d fight for it…”…

going for her Masters Degree in the field of Understatement

It’s too bad nobody ever had the guts to tell Hag that she was being mean or abrasive, she might not have had to wind up being painted as the Big Bad Bullying Bitch of Season 9™. Or, you know, she could gone the more obvious route and actually listened to herself talking. In any case, Ninja Eddie needlessly observes that things are getting “hard-core” now, and asks the others at what point do they stop helping each other? Wait, has anybody on this cast actually helped anyone else? With anything? Ever? If I were Ty-Böre, I’d be sputtering with rage and asking those same questions out loud. And then I’d take my clothes off and pout over my shoulder at the cameras while thrusting my butt out.

Back to the question, Ninja reminds everyone that he “helped” Hag win two challenges with his magical cake recipe. No, he didn’t bake the cakes for her, or decorate them, or carry out their execution in any way, but still, he’s the one who memorized the proportions of the ingrediences. I guess he now believes he gave these super-secret proportions to Hag at gunpoint or something, because I fail to understand why he’s acting as if he was forced to do this, not once, but twice. He could have given her a creepy sideways-mouthed “no” at any time, so why is he asking the rest of them when he’s going to stop doing this kind of thing?

Hearing this makes GroanyBooger very angry. Not because Ninja Eddie is making a big deal to everyone about his own idiotic behavior (that none of them were a party to or had any control over), but because he’s bitching about this behind Hag’s back. “You don’t have the balls enough to say it to Heather’s face while she’s here, then don’t even say it at all! If you have the fucking winning cake recipe, then why didn’t you make it?!?”…

and so what if I’m being a giant hypocrite by not saying this to Eddie’s face, either?

GroanyBooger believes this is showing Ninja Eddie’s “dark side” and believes that she “can’t trust him”. Oh, just wait until later, we’ll see who’s less trustworthy. And who’s being a bigger bitch about stuff.

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door! Penis-Hair goes to answer it, and instead of it being the stripper they ordered, it turns out to be something almost as pornographic…

sexy cookbooks wearing see-through jackets

You think I’m kidding? This is what the chefs look like when they see these things…

and Ty-Böre had to stand up to conceal a real erection, not just a culinary one

Chris Scary’s armpit almost just got pregnant. Anyways, this set of mega-expensive books are written by a smart cookie named Nathan Myhrvold (I’d say he’s a genius, actually, since he can get people to fork over half a G for them) and they are all about “the science of contemporary cooking” which I initially took to mean microwaving stuff, but I’m wrong as usual. The note that accompanies the books says, “Hello chefs, this is your homework. Study up. See you tomorrow. Padma.”…

“p.s. I’m off to bang a billionaire I met on SilverDaddies.com, hahahaha”

The chefs start to pore through the books, and Penis-Hair laments that he has no clue exactly what amongst the 2,438 pages they are supposed to “study” (btw, that’s not even me being hyperbolic there, it’s the real page count of the books). GroanyBooger thinks Penis-Hair is going to have an advantage because molecular gastronomy is clearly amongst the techniques under the “modernist” umbrella, but Penis says these volumes cover so much more than that. And then he has a great big Meg Ryan orgasm.

Bore-verly agrees that there is no way in Hag that they can possibly hope to cover and absorb everything in the books, but she’s gonna stay up late looking at them anyhow because…

duh, stereotypes are there for a reason

This may come back to haunt her later. The next morning they arrive at Le Cordon Blew and walk in to find Scar standing there…

with her prior night’s date

Naturally, Penis-Hair is in complete and total awe of Chef Voldemold here, he thinks the man is a genius, too… “If I could be one-tenth as smart as he is, I might rule a small continent…”

behold the King of Australia

I realize he’s kidding and all, but get a grip, Penis isn’t smart enough to find a flattering hairstyle, much less rule a nation of any size. But that doesn’t stop him from getting a big-ass smugmug when he hears Scar say that today’s QuickFire is all about them exploring their modernist sides…

la la la-laaaa la, I’m gonna rule Ant-arc-tic-aaaa

Chef Voldemold says the Modernist Cuisine Movement™ started in the mid-90′s (this would explain Penis-Hair’s devotion to that era’s fashions) and then he says a bunch of other stuff that is super-boring because a lot of mega-smart people have simply lost the ability to read social cues…

this is NonVerbalese™ for STOP TALKING

OK look, I’m sure some people may find this stuff fascinating, so if any of you guys really wanna read about it, you can go here. Otherwise, Voldemold pretty much spent 57 minutes telling us that the Modernist Movement is about more than just molecular gastronomy, it’s also about “creativity” and trying to “delight the people that eat your food”…

yay for First World culinary concepts!

I think that’s where my own personal problem lies with this whole “movement”, I find it kind of silly and superfluous… instead of spending a bunch of time and money on learning how to perfect new ways to cut sweet potatoes into chain-link fences, how about we try to do a little more to make sure everybody on the planet can have some sweet potatoes, period?

Oh well, so once Scar wakes everybody up, they find out that the QuickFire is to create a dish that best illustrates modernist cuisine. Winner gets immunity and a copy of The Cookbooks, which weigh 52 pounds (more than the three kids in the picture above combined)! Their 45 minutes starts NOW…

Penis-Hair is in an absolute tizzy, he says his job at the fabulous Moto is to “find new ways to cook food” and douchebaggily claims that a lot of the techniques listed in Voldemold’s Cookbook are ones that he’s “maybe… done first?”…

and I say “maybe” because I don’t want to get sued by a billionaire?

It’s super-important for him to win this QuickFire above all other QuickFires because he hasn’t won any QuickFires yet and apparently that means his dick is shrinking to the size of a fucking peanut or something. So, his brilliant plan is to do a “miracle berry tasting”. WTF is a “miracle berry”? Well, for starters…

they cost about $30 for a pack of ten

I could let Penis-Hair explain them, but my recaps are already long enough, so the short answer is that this berry extract has some kind of weird protein that changes the way your tongue tastes foods, i.e. sour and bitter foods will taste sweet, and already sweet foods will taste like hot ass or something along those lines. Am I the only one who suspects that Penis-Hair has had these stashed away from the get-go whilst madly hoping there would be a challenge exactly like this one? Meanwhile, he is dancing and singing to himself and just generally being really annoying as he runs around his station…

happier than a BlazeHawk in liquid nitroshit

Ty-Böre notices the swirling fumes engulfing Penis-Hair and rolls his eyes, calling him the Nutty Professor and snotting that he plans to make something really simple… “A piece of watermelon with tapioca maltodextrin.” Mmmm, sounds scrumptious, but what’s the tapidextra maltesefalconoka all about? Well, see, he’s going to mix that shit with olive oil, which will turn it into powder, and then when you eat the powder it will turn back into olive oil again…

now I’m rolling my eyes

Really? Olive oil powder? On watermelon? And this is supposed to be so amazing and modern how? I. Don’t. Get. It. Let’s see what TexAsian has to say…

how cute, he can’t pronounce “molecular gastronomy”

He says if it serves a practical purpose, he will use these techniques. He leaves unspoken what I’m thinking would come next, which is that some of these wacky techniques seem to be kinda impractical and therefore sorta pointless. Meanwhile, Jobless Grayson is dropping and breaking bottles and making a huge hideous mess. She only has one trick up her sleeve here, and it’s to make caviar that isn’t really caviar, “It’s pretty much the only thing i know how to do that’s magic…”

other than my hair

Bore-verly says she recently made something modern, a curry-flavored panna cotta, so she’s going to use one of those foamer-canister thingies for her curry cream, and this will make the dish both modernist and Asian at the same time, I guess? Also falling back on familiar (Italian) territory is GroanyBooger, who’s admitting she doesn’t use a lot of modern cooking technique, so she’s attempting to rethink pasta by making ravioli with egg yolks inside. I swear I have seen someone else on this show do this exact same thing before, maybe someone from an earlier season perhaps?….

such as Li’l Volt from Season Six???

BUSTED: one GroanyBooger. HA. Well, we haven’t heard from Chris Scary in a while, and I’m in the mood for some vapid, so let’s check in. He’s droning on and on about how “modern” he is, he likes to do “modern art” and his apartment is decorated in a “modern style”. WTF do we care about his apartment for? AH, so they can show us Scary’s stupid “casting video” and have him showcase all of the laughably bad “modern art” he creates…

a.k.a. his homemade porn

I’m guessing that crap was his wank material when he was still fat. Still, this is the most interesting thing I’ve ever heard him say, because although he may be generically good looking, I find Scary to be a crushing bore with zero personality. In any case, he’s also insisting his cuisine is modern, so he’s making a scallop dish (yawn) and risotto (stretch) only get this… he’s gonna change the texture of his risotto by putting it in a blender to make it “airy and light”…

see? I’m not just another pretty face that’s good at drawing clunky, childish tits’n'ass

Time is running out, and we see a lot of this going on over at Penis Island…

thoroughly modern silly

And as the clocks beep time, Penis-Hair says he’s looking around the room and seeing some beautiful plates… but of course he really feels like his dish is the winner. His whole reason for coming to be on Top Chef was to do this kind of crap, so he’s whining that at the very least he deserves to be in the Top Three this time…

practicing his Evita pose a bit prematurely

They begin with Bore-verly…

who has managed to make a delightfully modern interpretation of a curryturd

Delish. Only the dish she presented doesn’t look like that, because she’s saved back her foamer-canister to dazzle them by squirting that babyshit yellow crap on top of it right before their very eyes…

and then all over their very clothes

Seriously, that shit went everywhere, on Scar’s dress, on Voldemold’s pants, the floor, the ceiling, up Ty-Böre’s ass… what a mess. Someone snickers out loud as Bore apologizes, Scar wipes off her dress with her hand, and Voldemold tries to save face for Bore by claiming that squirting shit on your clothes is very modernist…

most modernist president ever

To make matters even worse, when Bore tries to escape back to her side of the prep table, she accidentally kicks a bunch of dirtied up trays and utensils she had stored on the bottom shelf, sending them cascading all over the floor. She immediately begins trying to set things to rights, ignoring the unfinished plates she’s presented until Scar snippily suggests that Bore finish giving them the curry foam and then she can clean up her mess. The other chefs are just about laughing out loud at this point and even Ninja Eddie has to admit that while he respects Bore as a chef and a person, his fellow countrywoman is a bit of an oddball…

awkward sauce

Bore blames her social clumsiness on having grown up in a strict Tiger-Mom kind of household, she wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers or parties because she was always concentrating on school work and work and whatever. I just think she’s kind of a nerd, and nerds tend to be naturally awkward (I speak from personal experience). In any case, Scar and Voldemold finish tasting her dish and escape to GroanyBooger’s station…

and her modernist plagiarism

Oh, my apologies, she changed it from Li’l Volt’s “ravioli” to “raviolo“, so bingo, totally different dish. Voldemold says something patronizing about pasta being a very “high-technique food” and at this point I notice with great dismay…

that if billionaires can’t afford dental work, then we’re all in danger

Next they move on to Ninja Eddie…

who shows his modern side by serving his food on Flintstoneware™

Eddie’s other big modern twist is that his “rice” in the dish is actually chopped up radishes. That’s some future food, y’all. That looks nothing like rice, but whatevs, let’s see what kind of magic Jobless pulled off…

yay for edible boogers!

Scar asks how she formed her boogers, and Jobless says she put oil in the freezer and then squirted Jell-O into it. Voldemold looks pleased and says that’s one way you can make oil boogers. Jobless admits that’s the only way she knows how. I have never been so disgusted in my life. Well, at least since Bore-verly’s curryturd, anyhow.

Get your eye-rolling muscles ready, because it’s time for Ty-Böre’s marvelously modern dish of powdered watermelon…

which has all the appeal of a dirty Jolly Rancher that rolled under the couch

That’s amazing, I had no idea salt and peppered watermelon could be so technical. Time to see what Mousy Lindsay put together…

the stomach contents of a sea otter

Scar calls the dish “very refreshing” and they make their way to Chris Scary’s Station Of Bland Sexiness™…

where you can have your jizzed-on scallops served in the inverted areolae of a boob-bowl

Those bowls look as modern as a swinging key-party in 1974. What is with these weird-ass plates? TexAsian’s choice isn’t much better

it’s like he stole the lucite paper-clip bin from my office-supplies desk set

It’s also not encouraging that his actual dish strongly resembles a bowl of blurked-up soup. Oh well, that doesn’t matter, because it is finally time for Penis-Hair to shine. And by shine, I mean lay it on thicker than a xanthan gum emulsion. First, he shoves his nose so far up Voldemold’s ass that he can taste all eight of the other QuickFire dishes. Cut to Ty-Böre and Scary rolling their eyes. Next, he orders the Judges to “take the red pill” and proceeds to launch into an overly-detailed explanation of the miracle-berry and what it does…

wish someone had managed to substitute one of these dye-tabs instead

It’s awesome to see Voldemold cut Penis-Hair off in mid-spew by mentioning he grows miracle-berries in his basement. Penis sputters and ass-kisses that he’d love to visit Voldy’s basement…

only if I can bury you there

Anyways, now that they’ve taken the magic pill, he directs them to eat the lemon slice, which Scar says now tastes like “an intense tangerine”. Wait, how is that “cooking”? He just had them taste-test the miracle-berry pill in the exact same way that is described almost everywhere on the web that I found it! So what’s that crumbly mess in the middle of his plate?…

mmm, mouse-shit for dessert

Yeah, see, he froze a bunch of stuff with liquid nitrogen (yawn) and “shattered” it (stretch) and when you eat the shards you get cheesecake (zzzzzzz). Then he tells them to finish off with his “lemon-lime sparkling water”. Penis-Hair is super-proud of his homemade 7-UP, making sure to brag that it’s “the first sugar-free soda that doesn’t have any artificial sweeteners!” God, HATE, but I’m liking Voldemold more and more as he replies “You just have to suck on a red pill first.”…

why aren’t you impressed by my expensive pills?

TexAsian says exactly what I’m thinking when he observes that this whole miracle-berry pill bullshit isn’t really a technique, it’s more like a lame gimmick…

out of the mouths of weed-dealing babies

It’s gonna burn his ass even worse now, because Voldemold says TexAsian was one of the ones who missed the mark with his whitish goo, it lacked depth of flavor. Also, Jobless Grayson gets nailed for her boogers being too simplistic and the other dish elements not being able to make up for it. And naturally Bore-verly loses for ruining his nice gabardine slacks. Oh, and her dish didn’t really take it far enough in the modern direction…

plus, she’ll be getting a dry-cleaning bill shortly

In the top, Voldemold says he liked Ty-Böre’s using “that set of spices” on his watermelon cube (the “set” he’s referring to would be the ever-exotic “salt-and-pepper”) and he thought the olive oil powder was clever. Also, he gives GroanyBooger props for stealing a Top Chef’s dish, that took some guts. And finally, putting an end to his misery, he calls out Penis-Hair as being one of the other favorites, he thought the plate was “nicely staged” (good choice of words, Voldy!) and compliments him on it being a helluva dish. So who wins?…

no one, we all lose*

Yes, Ty-Böre ekes out a win and gets immunity with his fucking watermelon appetizer that you didn’t have to eat an Alka-Seltzer first in order for it to taste good, and now he has a copy of the Cookbooks, and Penis-Hair is absolutely crushed…

*p.s. thanks go out to commenter Derek Hazelton for posting the link that brought me (and therefore y’all) to even more naked Ty-Böre!

but your wish was granted, you were in the Top Three… so shut up

But we’ve got no time to listen to him complain (and we wouldn’t care anyhow) because Scar has already moved on to talking about the Elimination Challenge, which she says will move from the modern to the traditional… in fact, the whole challenge is going to be about THE most traditional food in all of Texas…

no, Groany, it’s not italian sausage

It’s barbecue! Which makes GroanyBooger just as excited, because she just loves to grill. Let me repeat that: she just loves to grill. Also strange, for some reason Ty-Böre is screaming and making rock-hands to the sky like he just won the lottery or a free blowjob, so I’m guessing he’s forgotten all about the last time he was stuck at a grill with a bunch of meat.

Once they calm down a little, Scar tells us that Voldemold actually took first place at the World BBQ Championship in Memphis. Wow, it’s almost like he’s Jesus, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, or RuPaul, there seems to be nothing he can’t do!…

except maybe drag, although Lady Voldemold is semi-fierce

So Scar tells them to break themselves up into three teams of three… without the aid of a knife-block. Mousy Lindsay immediately snots that she doesn’t want to work with Bore because in the past two group challenges, she was the reason for the loss. Wait, what is this pale erection-necked bitch even talking about? Bore and Hag ending up in the bottom of the Game Meat Challenge was not all her fault (that was a TEAM FAIL in every possible way), and the group challenge I’m thinking of before that was the Great Steak Fiasco, which was clearly attributable to Ty-Böre and Whatshername, not Bore-verly. And if she’s thinking back to the Chili Challenge, I don’t recall that being hung solely around Bore’s neck, either…

how about you just admit you don’t like her cuz she has your same haircut and she wears it better

Ninja Eddie, GroanyBooger and Ty-Böre quickly align themselves (I have no idea why, Groany’s still bitching about how untrustworthy Eddie is, and even sillier, she actually believes Ty-Böre’s continued boasting about his grill-skillz), while Mousy fairly leaps over the others in order to land with TexAsian and Jobless Grayson. This leaves behind the apathetic little ménage à trois of Scary, Penis-Hair and Bore-verly, which Scary isn’t really happy about… he claims that the groups “formed really quickly” and he was left standing there with these two. I don’t think the groups formed quickly, I think Scary is just kinda slow.

So they have to cook barbecue for 300 guests at the Salt Lick Restaurant, which makes GroanyBooger even more excited because it’s the best BBQ restaurant in all of Texas. She says her five-year fiancé Jamie (who is also a chef, and just better not appear on a future season of the show) is going to be jealous because it’s all he talks about…

wellnow, he looks like he loves good barbecue, too

Whatever else I’ve said about GroanyBooger, I can’t fault her taste in menz, Jamie is pretty cute… although I agree with commenter featherhead, seeing the two of them together, they look uncomfortably like brother and sister. Anyhow, Groany says she wants to win this challenge for Jamie… but I suspect she’s hoping for a cash prize, maybe that will motivate him to think about something other than Salt Lick BBQ and move their five-year engagement ahead a smidge.

Whoops, Scar is still talking, saying that they’re going to have all night long to smoke their meats at the Salt Lick, and Voldemold tells them they have to make three different BBQ proteins (chicken, beef brisket and pork spare ribs), plus two side dishes. Ty-Böre’s rock-hands just wilted, and Ninja Eddie says that they can throw elegance out of this meal altogether, it’s gonna be “a real slamma-jamma BBQ!” Whatever that means. Is “slamma-jamma” like that Carl Carlton song “She’s A Bad Mama Jama”? ‘Cuz I love that song…

wouldn’t you wanna come to mah sexy BBQ?

So it’s off to Whole Paycheck Market, where we find out fascinating things, such as Team ScaryPenisBore plans to make cole slaw and baked beans to go with their meat. I was thinking that Penis-Hair would be trying to convince them to let him do kohlrabi slaw sculptures or nuclear reactor’d beans, but it almost seems like losing the QuickFire has deflated him a little and he’s no longer interested in trying to think up some wacky preparation. Will he make some good food instead? We’ll see.

Not so for Team JoblessMousyTex, they have decided to depart from Texas altogether and go with an Asian BBQ menu instead, using lots of miso, curry and fish sauce… and TexAsian knows it’s a risk, but he thinks the other two teams are making their menus far too literal for his taste.

Because, yes, Team NinjaGroanyBöre is also doing cole slaw and beans for their sides. Ninja is now complaining about how GroanyBooger’s southern twang is getting stronger and stronger the more they’re here in her home state (plus she’s using words like “y’all” and “yonder” and “pardner” and “dogie”) and this is really getting on his damned nerves…

it really sucks when someone has a super-annoying tic, doesn’t it?

I can’t speak against her for this phenomenon… because although I was born in Phoenix, I lived in The South growing up (specifically, Chapel Hill, NC and Atlanta) and that’s where I learned how to talk… with a heavy Southern accent. And although I don’t have one now, it’s the weirdest thang, whenever I speak to someone with a Southern accent, mine creeps back in of it’s own accord. I don’t trah t’do thiyis, it jest happens…

Anyhow, we’re not done shopping, cuz after they hit Whole Paycheck, it’s on to Restaurant Depot, and we see Bore-verly flying through to the meat counter, because this is the one place where no-one out-bitches her. Meanwhile, Scary’s trotted off to the soda aisle where he picks up a case of Dr. Pepper to use in his BBQ sauce. Why? Because Texas is where they invented Dr. Pepper!…

that’s weird, I thought Cocky Chewy’s dad invented it

Oh well, thankfully the shopping is over with, so it’s on to the Salt Lick, and when they pull up outside, Ty-Böre says the owner Scott Roberts is standing there to greet them… and Ty-Ty’s mouth begins watering…

wow, so Ty-Böre is really into long-haired chubby daddies, who knew?

SilverDaddy Scott takes them in to see the BBQ pit where there is more meat shoved together than I’ve ever seen in one place at one time…

this is what the hot tub looks like at the fat gay guy conventions I go to

After giving them the Salt Lick history and the tour and some verbal lessons on the art of the BBQ, SilverDaddy Scott brings the chefs a big ol’ plate of his food, which they happily dig into… even though it’s giving many of them a good case of the jitters because they’re not sure if they can make a plate of food as good as this, never mind better.

And then it’s time for SilverDaddy to take them to where they will spend the night with their own BBQ pits, but first, for some weird reason they show him going out and getting into his great big truck, and we hear Ty-Böre talking about the amazing amount of wood the bed can haul, and Mousy extolling the virtues of the huge interior cab…?

this is the reason the show had to be extended another 15 fucking minutes?

Are you fucking kidding me? Did they really just make us sit through another fucking commercial for Cloyota Cuntra trucks? HATE. This kind of bullshit makes me so glad that I drive a Scion…

…OK, the BF just informed me that Scion is a division of Cloyota, so I’ll shut up now. But I’m still pissed about the in-show commercial crap. Anyhow, SilverDaddy shows them to their pits and tells them that when the smoke gits into theyir ahs, they should rimimber those teeyears awr the layast flayvur profahl fur greayt borbikyew…

laugh now, cuz none of you will laugh again in the next 63 hours

Thus, at 10:18pm it begins… and one of the first things Ty-Böre does is tape up a tacky sign on his Team’s RV…

which can only serve to make Ninja Eddie nervous to be in it with him

Meanwhile, Team JoblessMousyTex has wrapped up their beef brisket in foil and have managed to load it into the smoker before the other teams. This is important to TexAsian because they want to have the most time possible to slow cook the meat and make it tender. The other teams do not seem to be as concerned…

as evidenced by the appearance of Ninja Nerd™

Ty-Böre is actually pretty excited to work with Ninja again, ever since their last win together they’ve gotten kinda close and stuff, kinda like sisters, only with dicks. He’s really wanting to put his whole steak fiasco behind him by doing an awesome job with this BBQ stuff. However, no matter how well the boys are harmonizing, it’s pretty evident that GroanyBooger and Ninja are already getting annoyed with each other, and it’s only 10:19pm. And everyone is already bitching about the heat, which is why it seems odd that Bore-verly decided to do her bourbon reduction inside the RV…

if this RV’s a-burnin’ then SOMEBODY YELL FIRE!

It finally gets through to Bore that those flames are a little too high when the TV melts (and the smoke detector goes off), so she finally decides to take that pot outside to burn itself out, while Scary looks on and shakes his head sadly and snots about how clueless Bore is. Um, she’s not the one that’s proud of her cheap porn art, dipshit.

Back over with Mousy, she’s gushing to us all about how awesome TexAsian is, and how he’s been in the top a lot and that their whole menu is pretty much his vision, “I’m glad he’s the leader!”…

that means I have someone to blame if this risky Asian-flavored shit does not pay off

She doesn’t say that exactly, but it sure sounds like the subtext brimming beneath the surface of that limp, lifeless, hopelessly outdated asymmetrical bob of hers. And a risky move it is, which is something Ty-Böre is falling all over himself to point out, “This is Texas aaaand I dunno if people are gonna be open to those sorts of ideas…”

he says this in his I’m-Gonna-Act-Like-This-Is-A-Stupid-Idea-But-Deep-Down-I’m-Really-Mega-Jealous-I-Didn’t-Think-Of-It tone

Well, after all, he is the (self-proclaimed) expert on Asian food. Seriously, I bet he’s that guy who learns, like, two phrases in Mandarin and then loves to bust them out on the waitress at the local Chinese Restaurant in front of a huge dinner group so he can look like he’s ordering super-authentic menu items when really all he said was “We comrades am hoping for to have the extra hot glorious mustard in exciting bowl next to spring rolls of Mao Tse-Tung flavoring bicycle pump. Depression serving balloons to all!” Sorry, but this guy seriously annoys me with his big bag of bullshit. You’ll see what I mean in a few minutes.

It’s 3:08am, and Penis-Hair is screaming out into the night that whoever had the foil-wrapped beef brisket in the smoker, it has all fallen off the racks and onto the ground! Fuuuuck, that’s Team JoblessMousyTex’s meat! Thankfully, because they had it wrapped in foil ahead of time, it was not damaged or dirtied and they just put it right back on the rack, so, crisis averted.

Meanwhile, Penis-Hair’s regained some of his verve and has decided to shove full beer cans up the butts of his chicken, the theory being that the beer will boil when placed on the grill and the steam will cook the inside of the chicken…

yes, because there are numerous places to fuck a chicken with a beer

Gee, I kinda hope that it’s BBQ-flavored beer or it might be construed as just plain trailer-trash chicken. Oh well, there isn’t time for them to grab 300 miracle-berry tablets to make everything taste like intense tangerines. Besides the sun is coming up now, and the Magical Elves make sure to get a long, slow tracking shot of the un-slept-in beds they provided for the chefs…

lovingly made with cheap-ass Boy Scout sleeping bags and an IKEA throw pillow

Once again, I have no idea why none of these people thought to work in shifts so they might have allowed each other to sleep for a couple of hours. Maybe they weren’t allowed to and these tacky little beddings weren’t even there at the time (added in post-production?). In any case, as the sun rises higher and exhaustion sets in, the signs of extreme punchiness are beginning to show in the chefs. Ty-Böre’s looking confused at how to use the cabbage slicer… ok, bad example… Penis-Hair is talking to his beer-fucked chickens, and when Daddy Tom shows up to chat with everyone, Jobless Grayson makes sure to tell him that their team’s food is “gonna be like sex in the mouth!”…a phrase that clearly makes Daddy Tom uncomfortable…

only slightly less uncomfortable than the phrase “it’s gonna be like sex up your butt”

And speaking of butt-sex, he spends a few minutes with Ty-Böre who proudly tells him that Team NinjaGroanyBöre is cooking three styles of BBQ that fit each of their areas of expertise, so they’re representing Kentucky (Ninja), Texas (Groany) and Kansas City (Ty-Böre)! Yes, here is yet another style of food that Ty-Ty is a master at, because, see he was born in Kansas City. I am losing track of all the amazing and magical things that Ty-Böre can do… Model, Porn Star, Honorary Asian, GrillMaster, McNuggeteer, Watermelon Cube-Duster, and now… KC Masterpiecer! Pick one. He sure can’t.

In any case, before he leaves, Daddy Tom says there’ll be a $15,000.00 prize to split among the three chefs on the winning team. Then he glares at them…

and don’t… fuck it up

Oooh, Daddy Tom makes one ugly woman (believe me, I did my best). So he takes off and they go back to cooking, both the meat and themselves. Team ScaryPenisBore has taken their pork ribs out and discovered that Scary’s awesome Dr. Pepper Sauce has turned rather salty on them. Team JoblessMousyTex is worried that their brussels sprouts aren’t cooking enough over the low heat. And as for Team NinjaGroanyBöre…

they are busy practicing how to stare directly into the sun

We overheard GroanyBooger earlier asking for someone to get her some water, and she says in the 100+ degree heat she is starting to feel dizzy and lightheaded. Before too much longer she staggers indoors and tells Ty-Böre and Ninja that she needs the medic. She’s complaining of hot and cold chills and after putting her on oxygen and taking her blood pressure, the EMT calls for the wahmbulance, which reduces Groany to tears and apologies to her teammates…

this would be a lot more heartwarming if Ty-Böre weren’t once again shoving his ass into the camera

Ty-Ty insists GroanyBooger’s attack of heat-stroke is all too real, and I suspect he’s right, I doubt she’s faking that flushing, or her labored breathing, or the sweating…

the theatrical tears, on the other hand, are debatable

KIDDING, I’m sure those are tears of relief grief over having to give up her post on the grill pit, which is something that occurs to Ty-Böre and Ninja Eddie after Daddy Tom informs them that GroanyBooger has left the building. Ninja Eddie is particularly upset, saying that “Obviously the first thing we both think is, well, is she okay, I mean, what’s wrong, is she dead?”…

by which he means “I think she is totally okay, and now I wish she were dead”

Ninja claims that if it were him he would “push on through it”. And smartly risk doing a face-plant into an open BBQ pit. And now, instead of being able to cut their meat servings to order, they’ve decided to cut everything now and put the chunks into chafing dishes, where they can slowly get mushy at their leisure. They better hope they get most of the day’s senior citizens at their station, cuz it’s beginning to sound an awful lot like Luby’s Salt Lick Cafeteria & Tantrum Theatre…

clang, clang, clang, went the dish liiiids… ding, ding, ding, we’re in hellllll

Ninja knows that their having pre-cut the meat was a huge mistake, but his banging shit around is not gonna help that, and it doesn’t matter anymore because 300 hungry Texans have begun to stream through the door…

times are hard and this shit is free

Ty-Böre’s now begun to bitch a little about how they have seven items to put on three hundred plates, which means they have twenty-one-hundred “plate strokes” to make. Across the nation, thousands of grade-school lunch ladies are staring at their TVs, crossing their slab-like arms and murmuring “wussy-boy” to no one in particular.

As if things were crazy enough in the mess hall of the Salt Lick with all these hungry people stomping about, they’ve decided to kick up the crazy a notch and add a live band to the mix…

named after the Second-Least Successful Jackson (after LaToya) and scary gang-spiders

Finally, here come the Judges, which include Daddy Tom, Scar, Gail Simmons, SilverDaddy Scott, and surprisingly…

Lady Voldemold!

They start off at Team JoblessMousyTex’s station where Jobless is still babbling incoherently about how they tried to be different and their food is gonna come in their mouuuuuths and have sexytime with iiiiit…

it is no coincidence that their plate looks like a boner fumbling around some labia

Back at their table, they dig into the chicken first, and Scar immediately proclaims it delicious, and Gail agrees, it’s sticky and sweet and spicy. Voldemold says it isn’t very smoky, but it’s very good tasting nonetheless. They move on to the ribs and SilverDaddy Scott says they are awesomely smoky and tangy, but Daddy Tom says the brisket is underseasoned and the brussels sprouts are undercooked. SilverDaddy also is enjoying the cilantro and watermelon salad, he’d like to have it again in the future.

Next they hit up Team ScaryPenisBore, where they find…

Penis-Hair getting hardcore on the vegans, yo

Would having a Miracle-Berry tablet make vegans taste like meat, I wonder? Anyhow, here is their plate’o'food, which begs the question…

what can five shades of brown do for you?

Voldemold immediately calls them out on having done a nice roast chicken, but it’s not BBQ by any means. Daddy Tom agrees it has a lot of flavor and is moist, but has almost no smokiness. Gail and SilverDaddy Scott call their beans “not cooked” and “too crunchy” respectively. Then Daddy asks the table if they’re all finding the ribs super-salty (Penis-Palate strikes again!). As for the brisket, well, Gail says it’s mega-chewy, but Voldemold proclaims it to be juicy at least. Their cole slaw is given faint praise, while Gail wishes the watermelon shooters they were served had been spiked with gin…

and I’m starting to wish SilverDaddy were spiked with some tequila and slathered with BBQ sauce

You know, I was taking a close look at SilverDaddy here and it occurred to me that he looked slightly… Asian? Sure enough, a good buddy of mine who recently moved back here from Austin and went to the Salt Lick all the time told me that I was right, SilverDaddy’s mother was Japanese! Also interesting? His great-grandmother offered herself to his great-grandfather when she had reached the ripe old age of fourteen! Then they had nine kids. Ahh, those overly-loose age-of-consent rules of the 1800′s, when men were men, and you could boink a tween without fear of having your nuts handed to you by the sheriff.

Lo and behold, guess who just showed up looking (relatively) fresh and rested? Yup, Miss GroanyBooger got herself released from the hospital and has shown up just in time to fuck up Ty-Böre and Ninja Eddie’s rhythm. Ninja is pissed as he tells us all Groany cares about is her own goddamned chicken, and we cut to hearing her trying to get them to move all the food around at their station (after they’ve already been serving with their current set-up for some time) so that her chicken is in a different place. Eddie digs his heels in and refuses to change anything, snarling that they have a system set up already. Then he bitches to Ty-Böre that they could serve faster without her there. Then he proceeds to yell at her some more about how to plate for the Judges who are about to arrive…

heatstroke was more fun than this

GroanyBooger insists that she did not set out to screw the team over by getting sick, and she understands Ninja being frustrated and upset at having been forced to take on so much extra work, but she doesn’t like him being so mean and rude to her. She has a point. Then again, it prolly wasn’t a good idea for her to show up and start trying to change shit around when they had already set themselves up. So now she’s openly bitching to her ally Ty-Böre that “it is what it is” and looks ready to dig her own heels in as well.

Finally the Judges show up and grab a plate of this toxic team dynamic…

and I think the white bread pretty much says it all about this team’s food

Immediately after the Judges leave, GroanyBooger tells Ty-Böre she’s starting to feel woozy again, so she’s gonna go sit down and rest and drink some more water… “And I have no guilty feelings about it!”…

and Eddie can just Facebook about it

OK, I was sorta on her side up to this point, but this little stunt is not helping the credibility of her case for illness. Ninja Eddie feels the same as he points out to Ty-Ty how conveniently Groany showed up just in time to plate her food for the Judges and then leave again. Then again, who can blame her when you’ve got someone’s scraggly ass beard and creepy ventrilomouth all up in your face.

So what do the Judges think of their food? Voldemold says the chicken is well-cooked and flavorful, and SilverDaddy Scott agrees to it’s moistness, and he liked one of their BBQ sauces (he doesn’t specify if it was the Texas, Kentucky or Kansas City varieties). Gail says she likes the flavor in Ty-Böre’s ribs, but the ribs themselves are too chewy. Voldemold thinks Ty-Ty’s KC sauce has a good flavor profile, and I’m pretty sure he was about to say “BUT”, but the Magical Elves edited the next part of that out. Scar says their brisket has the best flavor out of all the teams, but SilverDaddy thinks they sliced it up too early, and Voldemold agrees, saying BBQ is supposed to be cut-to-order for a reason.

Tonight’s vignette is Jobless Grayson singing her favorite camping “bullfrog song”…

subtitled: fellatio — you’re doing it wrong

Back in the Stew Lick, GroanyBooger is complaining to her thoroughly exhausted teammates about the “breakdown in communication” that occurred, and she’s hinting around that she believes they blew off her chicken dish in favor of their own stuff… without actually saying that. Ninja Eddie tells her not to get emotional, and she replies that she’s “just being honest”… which is Boogerese for “I’m being a bitch to your face instead of in private interviews like usual, so, appreciate me.”

Scar shows up and asks to see Team… JoblessMousyTex! And they win the $15,000.00, which brings TexAsian’s personal total to $35,000.00…

suck on that, Voldemold, now I can afford 77 copies of your stupid books

At this point, I’m pulling for him or Jobless to win, they’re the only two chefs left that are likeable, everybody else is either vile or a dope. Anyhow, Scar asks them to send back Team NinjaGroanyBöre and Team ScaryPenisBore…

finally, a No-Lose Elimination™!

For us viewers, anyhow. They start with GroanyBooger. Daddy Tom says her chicken was moist, but more like grilled chicken, not BBQ’ed, and it lacked smoke flavor. She counters that she now wishes she had actually put the chickens in the smoker so they could have been adjacent to some actual smoke. Voldemold says that some of it was also rubbery and had not been cooked enough. He points out that the skin has to be crispy before you sauce it or you just get underdone chicken with burnt sauce fused to it. Which is the exact thing that always happened at more of my family BBQs than i can count… until I got me a fine fat boyfriend who knows how to cook everything right. (love you, sweetie!)

Scar asks Ty-Böre how he’s feeling, and he replies “pretty bad” to which she nods as Gail says she loves KC BBQ… but his were too heavy-handed in their seasoning, and the meat did not come off the bone like it should have…

and I can think of at least this many other things that were wrong with it

Voldemold says it would have been “sacrilege” to boil the ribs, but if he had it still would have been “leagues better” than what he actually served. Gail also says they kept tasting a weirdly strong flavor of spearmint in the cole slaw, which Ty-Ty admits was orange mint, and Daddy Tom agrees that it was a strange choice. Not as weird a eating popcorn and chewing gum at the same time, but close.

Then Daddy Tom says their brisket sat in the steam tray too long, it became gray and rubbery, and Voldemold agrees that their pre-slicing the meat made it lose a lot of it’s juiciness. Ninja Eddie blames their being down one person, they had to pre-slice to get things done. Daddy Tom wants to know why they didn’t just stick to slicing it to order anyhow, wait-line be damned?…

ahhhhmmmmm, because then I couldn’t blame GroanyBooger?

GroanyBooger’s taking no chances, because she makes certain to say that she wishes she had been there to help them set up the service line, which brings a not-at-all-fooled smirk to Ninja’s face.

Moving on, Voldemold says Bore-verly’s cole slaw was okay, but not spectacular. Gail says she wishes it had been more original, this was just such a pedestrianly original version of it. Also her beans were really undercooked. As for the proteins, Penis-Hair takes responsibility for having cooked all of them, and again, the chicken was grilled, not BBQ… in fact, Voldemold goes so far as to call it a “French Grandmother’s Roast Chicken”.

Scary takes credit for both the rubs and the sauce that were used for seasoning on the ribs and the brisket, and when Scar asks him why he insisted on making Dr. Pepper sauce, he’s like “Cuz it’s from Texas, you know?”…

Daddy Tom does not care to be a Pepper, too

He says the ribs were so salty they were inedible. And that’s all he needs to say before sending them away. And the best line of the night (that I wish he had said to his face) was when Daddy Tom testified “Unfortunately Ty-Lör has immunity, so he’s not going home… and he was the one responsible for a lot of the problems on that team and I wish we could send him home!”…

so much for erasing everyone’s memory of the Shitty Steaks™

After they finish ripping on everyone some more, they call both teams back and Scar slllloooowwwwllllyyyy says that the one going home is… Chris… SCARY! OMG, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

now I’m going to paint terrible nudes of you for my bathroom, bitch

Jeez, that is a scary look… and that was literally the instant after she called his name. Then he recovers himself and thanks them for the experience, blah blah blah, telling us that he’s a lot more comfortable with his own style now, and laughably claims to be “not so caught up in what everyone else thinks” (this from the guy who clearly uses more hair product than Jobless Grayson and obsesses over everyone’s looks… oh, and makes terrible titty-paintings to try and seem “artistic”). So now he gets to coast until he collects his $10,000.00 Fan Favorite cash…

OR DOES HE??!?!?!

Because tonight, on The Extended Cloyota Commercial Redemption Kitchen, he’s going to find out if it’s really goodbye, or if he’ll still get to eye-fuck Scar (and anything else with a pulse) ever again. I guess getting booted was a lot more sad for him than he let on, because the first thing he does when he gets back La Casa Del Cheffo is…

gank one of their beers

We all know the drill by now, the recently kicked out (and semi-weepy) chef finds Daddy Tom’s letter creepily inserted into their luggage next to their poo-poo undies and heads back to the original Top Chef Texas Kitchen v1.0. When Scary gets there and spies Divot Diva Nyesha, he is even more confused because Divot Diva was already eliminated, so he doesn’t know what the hell is going on… but Diva sure does…

hiya pretty little white boy

So Daddy Tom reveals the “secret competition” that’s been going on, and presents Divot Diva as a two-time winner (who has sent three chefs packing for good… including Hag, so yay Diva!). Are you ready for today’s silly little “challenge”? Well, Daddy Tom says it’s easy to cook great food when you have great quality and highly expensive ingrediences… so their challenge today will be the recycling of my favorite Season One QuickFire… the Gas Station Mini Mart Challenge! And this one is extra fun because they get to use a Cloyota vehicle to help them FIND the gas station. Why, it practically drives them there on it’s own! Gag…

please please please let there be cheeseburger hot dogs at this place

They have a whopping $20 each to shop with. Divot Diva grabbed a kielbasa, some pork rinds and…

CORN NUTS!

Scary on the other hand, is thinking about making a grilled cheese sammich. Ummmm, don’t they already sell grilled cheese sammiches there?…

sorta

When they arrive back at the TC Kitchen and walk in to find the Bitter Brigade™ already seated and waiting for them, the first thing Scary does is to rudely blurt “Why are you guys here?”…

to watch you hopefully get your ass kicked again

Seriously, if you’ve heard it, it was said in complete dick fashion, and again, I am so disappointed that no matter what, this shallow-ass barf bag is still gonna get $10,000.00 because he had the best fauxhawk/soul patch combo. And he proves just how much of an egotist he is as he says he hopes all the eliminated chefs are rooting for him to win and not Divot Diva. Well, based on the picture above, we know Hag’s on his side. And their 30 minutes starts now…

And because I am sick of talking about anything Scary is doing, let’s just skip to the food, okay? Starting with Divot Diva…

which could use a little more EZ-Cheez

Followed by Scary Porn Addict…

ho hum, this is a common rainy day lunch at my house

Even better is when Scary calls his sammich “all-American” with it’s jack cheese, ham and pickle filling. Daddy Tom comes right back with “‘All-American’ otherwise known as Cuban?”…

um, that’s still in America, right?

While Scary’s still sputtering, Daddy invites the rest of the losers to come try the food. Naturally Hag makes a beeline for Scary’s dish and continues to gush about it long after she gobbled it down, making sexytime eye-contact with him as much as possible. On the other hand, Whatshername is a fan of Divot Diva’s nuts’n'meats concoction. But in the end, the navy-blue chef-coat remains with…

ha ha ha, Miss D. Va!

So there we are, with Chris Scary gone for good. What did you guys think of this episode? Was Scary ever on any of your radars to go home, or was this a complete shock to you like it was me? If it hadn’t been him, who would you have picked to get booted? Did you believe that GroanyBooger’s second “episode” was for real, or was she just pissed off? And would you pay $450.00 for 52 pounds of cookbooks written by a billionaire? How many of you guys subscribe to the “modernist cuisine” movement? And lastly, are you ready for the next episode? Because it’s RESTAURANT WARS! And it looks like it’s going to suck balls.

This week, I have been trying to get the house back into shape after having several major disruptions due to remodeling…

the kitties are naturally not interested helping with this effort at all

Thanks again as always for your patience, your time, your energy, and your (civil) commentary…

love, J-Mo
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