Top Chef Recap: Inspired By Dairy Queen

Happy Post-Oscar Crapfest, everyone! Did you guys enjoy that multi-hour snoozeapaloozah on Sunday night? Yeah, Flipit and I were hanging out and noticing how unkind HD TV is to just about everyone (and everything, namely J-Lo’s left areola and most of the French peoples’ teeth) and that is why this recap took so damn long to get in the can. On the plus side, I had a rare semi-celebrity sighting that I will share proof of later on. But first, we have to all take a moment to admit to ourselves just how far off the rails this season of Top Chef Texancouver has flown…

when we are basing challenges off of fast food restaurant slogans

Think I’m kidding?…

we could credit Mickey-Dee’s just as easily

Ridiculousness abounds. Starting with a review of last week’s episode, whose guest judge and challenge relevancy can be easily described by looking at this picture…

…for several hours before giving up and admitting that everything here is random

someone was busy clomping out the answers to math problems with their forehoof

and someone told Scar that the deluxe edition of Glitter is about to be released

We open on the Semi-Final Three (TexAsian, Mousy Lindsay and GroanyBooger) hanging out at the Whistler Resort and glorying in their brand new Bore-free world. BoogerWoman says she’s having déjà vu over Bore getting booted off the show a second time… “except now she’s not coming back!”…

which means it’s up to the rest of us to make fun of that stupid hat

I think she’s confusing the definition of déjà vu with that of major shrew, but whatever, GloatyBooger just can’t resist crowing to us that “this is how it was supposed to be the whole time!” Yes, because I remember that Bible story where Jesus said “Yea, verily, only besties should ever make it to the Finale of Top Chef…” Ugh, so over this bitch.

Anyhow, it’s the next day and while they’re driving around in their sponsored Cloyota, they’re playing some silly name game that I can’t figure out, and TexAsian is telling us how close they’ve become…

so close that he apparently no longer feels the need to wash his hair

I think I preferred the buzz-cut clean TexAsian who didn’t go running around in broad daylight with a pair of coozytwats and a bad case of pillow-hair, but everything is different in Canada, I guess. At least he has no illusions that they’ll be buddies when they’re competing in the kitchen (well, he won’t anyhow… I’m betting it’s pretty much a never-ending slumber party from here on out for the other two). And speaking of snoozing, can you believe that they are pulling up to the exact same chain hotel they were hawking in the last episode? And can you believe how everyone is just gushing about how amazing and magical it is all over again? And can you believe that even though it is clearly mid-morning…

they choose to repeat the exact same nighttime shot from last week?

Lazy-ass Magical Elves! And poor StairFont Hotel, you guys didn’t really get your money’s worth out of this lame-o commercial, didja? Pffft. In any case, it’s time for them to get dressed (after no sleep, I guess?) and head on out to someplace really genuinely and deeply Canadian…

like Anne Murray’s restaurant here

Wait, so we’re going into Chinatown now? GroanyBooger is more relieved than ever that Bore is gone, because she knows her husky, round, lily-white butt would have been handed to her in a wok here. Greeting them today are Scar and La Gassy…

who seems to think he’s back on his own show and allowed to break the fourth wall

Scar welcomes the SEMI-Final Three and tells us the reason they are suddenly in Little Asia is because Vancouver apparently has one of the largest Asian communities outside of Asia itself, so today they get to cook Asian-style with some Asian masters of Asiany Asian food from Asia… and out come Anita Lo, Floyd Cardoz and Takashi Yagahashi. Instantaneously, GroanyBooger is doing that annoying screechy OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG thing she does while jumplurching up and down. It’s so loud that they have to re-dub Scar’s introduction of the chefs over it. Why is she so fucking excited?…

she finally sees an Asian person she actually likes

Yes, apparently Takashi Yagahashi is a friend of Groany’s from Chi-Town, she says she totally respects him, and is just about peeing herself over the fact that someone found a way to put him on a plane to get him to Vancouver. For his part, Takashi looks pretty excited to see BoogerWoman, too…

yay crazy jiggle white girl with giant boob

GroanyBooger’s joy is short-lived, however, because as they draw knives, TexAsian’s the one who gets TackyHash, and Mousy Lindsay lands Anita Loezbian… which means Groany’s stuck with Floyd NoDoz…

I ain’t shaking my tits for this guy

TexAsian seems a little intimidated by TackyHash, and says although his background is in Asian food, he doesn’t like the expectation that he’s automatically going to win this challenge based on that alone…

welcome to you my little dude-person sibling from a separate ladymother

And what is the QuickFire Challenge? Each tag-team has to create an Asian-inspired dish within 40 minutes… and every 10 minutes they will switch each other out in the kitchen… Mousy and Anita Loezbian look extremely confident (if a little over-zealous with the lip-gloss)… Ohhhh, Miss Anita…

Lipstick Lesbianism – you’re doing it wrong

Just to make it sweeter, the winner gets a whopping $20,000.00! And the Masters get to start cooking now! The three of them hustle back to the kitchen to start working on stuff completely out of sight of their teammates. Meanwhile, GroanyBooger is congratulating TexAsian on drawing TackyHash, while slyly helping feed his nerves by telling him what a badass chef her Japanese buddy is. I have to agree, because the first thing TackyHash grabs in the kitchen is some geoduck…

which we know is always good for a cheap laugh

He’s planning to make sashimi out of it. At least that’s what I think he said, because what I heard next sounded and awful lot like “Pole woke foda Joppo knees ress ron, eef ai grob theez theengzuh hee nose houtoo makeet andu goojobb.”…

yoono Cheffuh Morimoto soundah liyeek Julie Andaru compair tomee

Just so we’re aware of the level of ridiculousness… the Magical Elves will subtitle Paul when he’s fake-asking Bore-verly about Redemption Kitchen for the 48927th time, but for this guy we’re stuck tilting our heads at our TVs and going “Huh?” Anyhow, Anita Loezbian has decided she wants to make a trio of scallops, and Floyd NoDoz has grabbed some kind of fish that he wants to make into a curry, which seems more Indian than traditionally Asian, but Kazakhstan is considered part of Asia, too, so whatever. Anyhow, NoDoz reminds us that he suuuuucked at QuickFire challenges when he was on Top Chef Masters, but now that he’s competing in one for someone else, he really wants to do well. Too bad that person happens to be GroanyBooger, because right now she’s out in the dining room nervously hoping that NoDoz doesn’t force her to do anything too Asian, like cooking in a wok…

or maybe some long division

The first ten minutes are up, so it’s switcheroo time! Mousy Lindsay is seeing the beginnings of Anita Loezbian’s triple-scallop-o-rama but is still a little disoriented, she’s afraid of screwing things up and embarrassing herself and Anita. Look, Mousy, after you’ve almost gotten kicked off in a challenge where you were cooking for your employer, there’s nowhere to go but up. Unless you fuck this to pieces and then it’s Canyon City, sweetie. In the end, Mousy grabs some chinese sausage and starts slicing it up.

TexAsian is looking at the phallic geoduck meat (which he’s calling by it’s Japanese name of mirugai) and wincing, saying people don’t necessarily like the taste or texture of it. He’s rooting around for some mushrooms, which just happens to be what TackyHash said would go wonderfully with this giant clam (also, he asks for some SALT). As for GroanyBooger, she has recognized that NoDoz has begun to make a curry, which is lovely… but she says her comfort level with making curry is “about a zero“. I bet Bore knew how to make a kick-ass curry. I’m just saying…

20 minutes have passed! Switch again! The Masters rush in while the chefs rush out, all of them feeling like they accomplished next to nothing. TackyHash says “Pole eez meka dasheebrothuh… I kweecree deeziduh Ai gonna uzzuh dadasheebrothuh foray sozzuh anda dresseeng”. Ahhh, and now that Groany has found out TackyHash chose to start TexAsian’s dish with boner clams, she is super-relieved she didn’t get stuck having to work with yet another Crazian™ her really good friend. Whom she totally respects…

except where his choices regarding Asian cuisine are concerned

Hey, Anita Loezbian just asked where there is some SALT to be had. Jeez, that kitchen is about the size of Chunky & Chica’s litter box, why are they having so much trouble finding something as simple as SALT in there?…

and why are they stuck using Jewish salt in a Chinese restaurant?

When Anita makes sure to say the brand name of the SALT, I begin to feel the nagging (and highly annoying) signs of yet another commercial being inserted into our beloved show. Anyhow, Loezbian has noticed Mousy’s sautéed chinese sausage sitting there, and thinks it’s going to go very well with her sautéed scallop. NoDoz also says GroanyBooger has done well with picking up on his vision of the dish by adding crab claws to the sauce. Then NoDoz asks for the SALT, finds it, and carries it across the kitchen with the brand name prominently displayed. Fuck me with a geoduck.

30 minute mark! Last switch! Mousy thought she was doing well, but now that she’s back and seeing what Anita’s laid out for her, she’s intimidated to try and put it all together… even though Loezbian has already picked out the stoneware and appears to have plated half of it herself. BTW, GroanyBooger just asked for the SALT. Seriously.

TexAsian seems to be pleased with the way TackyHash has put together his plates, so he’s decided to add some Thai chilies to the dish to give it a kick of heat. He thinks this is a good choice as he recalls that Scar likes dirty old rich men spicy food… but as time runs out, he realizes he may have put a few too many of the Thai chili seeds in the bowl. Couple this with the interview GroanyBooger just gave where she repeated that TexAsian is the “Asian expert” and since there’s $20,000.00 up for grabs she hopes her dish can beat his, and what do you think is about to happen?…

I mean, besides the kitchen becoming suddenly superfunky?

After Scar prompts everyone to say how great and amazing and magical it was to work with one another, they start off with Mousy and Anita’s dish…

that is not quite as elaborate as Anita envisioned

Loezbian mentions she initially wanted to do three preparations…

but this is nice, too… I guess

Scar says it has nice flavor, and La Gassy compliments her on her julienning of her water chestnuts. Um, when they like how well you cut stuff up, you know you’re not winning. Next in line is GroanyBooger and NoDoz…

and their psychic fishcrab curry

NoDoz says she did exactly what he wanted her to do with the dish…

then he flashes gang signs and asks where the SALT is

La Gassy calls it interesting, and they move on to TexAsian’s dish…

and his Nuclear Six-Alarm Sashimi™

TackyHash says that TexAsian let the ingrediences shine… but then La Gassy wants to know what is bringing so much heat and TexAsian has to own up to his heavy handedness with the Thai chili seeds… Scar says that both she and La Gassy like heat and spice, but this is a lot of chili…

no shit

In the end, La Gassy says Mousy did a nice job frying up her scallops and fish eggs, but the chinese spices were overpowering in the dish. For GroanyBooger, he says it could have used more acid (which I can see, Groany’s always been a bit more on the bitter side)… and while TexAsian was brave in moving forward with clam-meat that looks like a dong, there was juuuust a tiny little forest-fire’s too much chili in it…. which means the winner is…

omgomgomgomgOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG (and SALT)

GroanyBooger is proud of having won a total of $30,000.00… until someone reminds her that TexAsian has won $60,000 and a car and she shuts up. Someone else should have told her that it might have been cool to kick a couple of Benjamins NoDoz’s way as a thank you for helping her out.  Anyhow, let’s move on to the Elimination Challenge. Scar says now that they’ve been half fried-to-death in the blazing Texas sun and then almost frozen their tits off on that goddamned mountaintop, wouldn’t it be fun to bring the two together?…

yay frozenfried tits

Well, it turns out that the following evening they’re going to be throwing a “Fire And Ice” cocktail party… I have been to a party by that same name before, and it was really fun (nobody was wearing pants) so already the chefs are going to really have to deliver in order to live up to the images that I already have in my mind for this little soiree…

much of which involves these

Unfortunately for us all, this “Fire And Ice” party will be fully clothed, the chefs have to make a dish and a cocktail to serve PLUS the dish must contain both “a hot and cold element”. They have to serve 150 of “Vancouver’s Culinary Elite”…

oh, how I wish this group of Elites could be the tie-in

The winner gets to go to Costa Rica during hurricane season. La Gassy warns them that this is going to be their opportunity to really stand out, and snarls that “Chili with a scoop of sour cream is not gonna cut it!”…

even though I serve that very dish on my menu

Time to head over to Whole Paycheque Marquet (Canadian Version)™, which is way more boring now that Bore isn’t there to run carts into stuff and knock people down. TexAsian is buying up tons of king crab legs because he wants to do a play on lobster bouillabaisse and make it visually stunning, PLUS he plans to make something that feels cold but gets hot when you eat it…

and I think we just found the base for your sauce!

You guys are never going to believe what GroanyBooger is planning to make… yes, it’s pasta, how did you guess so quickly? Funny how it’s only boring and one-note and “playing it safe” when Bore does it with Asian food… but when BoogerWoman goes Bertolli with every meal, she’s just “playing to her strengths”. In any case, her big idea for the cool treats part of this is to serve it with a ginger mousse that’s frozen…

not at all like this one

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Meanwhile, Mousy is kinda freaking out, she’s not sure how literal she needs to take this challenge (i.e. should she set the building on fire?), so she’s also hitting an old standby… the halibut. Zzzzzzz…

heh, nobody said I wasn’t repetitive or predictable, did they?

Naturally there is the expected flashback to Restaurant Wars where Bore was solely to blame for Mousy’s awful and poorly-executed halibut dish, which meant that Mousy got to swear and yell and grab plastic spoons out of her hands because that’s how Michelle Bernstein would want her to act. Also, she feels like both Groany and TexAsian’s ideas of having frozen things served at the table are “gimmicky” (which I suspect is a synonym in Mousy’s lexicon for “creative”). Besides, I think all the air went out of “gimmicky” when Penis-Hair Chris got kicked back to Moto.

Back at the Stair Font hotel, the three of them share a giant glass of that awesome TurdBlotto wine they’re always hawking and GroanyBooger tells us all how hard she has fought to get here… and I can kinda see her point, because she’s been on the bottom just as many times as she’s wound up on top… that’s a lot of people to try and toss below the public transit. Then she tells us that her mom let her drop out of high school in her junior year in order to go to culinary school…

hoo needz liduruhsee? thanx kool momm!

Actually I’m jealous of her, I begged my mom to let me skip my junior and senior year, but she felt it would be more important for me to finish high school and learn exactly what being a social pariah is all about. In any case, the next day they have five hours to prep their masses of food, and GloatyBooger is back, gleefully telling us that TexAsian and Mousy tend to second-guess themselves, while she remains true to herself, and even though she’s making something she’s never done before (kinda not true, it’s pasta for Chrissakes) she’s going to prove that she deserves to be Top Chef…

ah, welcome to the Yolks Of Entitlement™

OK, so truth be told, some of that statement about TexAsian and Mousy sounded cut-and-pasted together, so Lord knows if she really believes she’s better and/or more stable than the other two (they’ve all had their meltdowns this season) but her constant declaration of being more deserving is really annoying. Sometimes I think she’s not trying to be a giant bitch, she just sounds like one…

and seeing shit like this makes me want to write like one

Seriously, show? COME ONNNN-uh! Between Cloyota minivans and Penis Vs, TurdBlotto wines, various hotels, Whole Paycheck Market, and now SALT I’m beginning to feel like every week is nothing but a focus group for advertising, and that just sucks. I would much rather watch TexAsian chopping live lobsters in half…

it’s crunch time!

He’s determined to make the best lobster stock ever, and I guess the faster you dump your dismembered pieces in to cook, the better the flavor? I’m not sure, but seeing their writhing little half-corpses is infinitely more fascinating that listening to GroanyBooger talk about how haaaaard it is to make pasta for 150 people by haaaaand (and see her dropping egg-shells into her egg yolks). Meanwhile, Mousy is making some kind of tomato-water for her cocktail and telling us how she has often grated her knuckles and palms into her food…

so I guess she’s making a Bloody Mousy

That sounds refreshing. Also, GroanyBooger thinks it’s boring and that Mousy should be pushing herself farther instead of playing it so safe. Jesus, she just said she’s serving drinks spiked with her own flesh, how much further must she go?? We have no time to answer that, because Daddy Tom just showed up to distract everyone. After asking TexAsian about his dish (which hilariously is going to include some “lemon snow”), he proceeds to poke him about losing the Asian QuickFire, what happened? Is the competition getting to him?…

um, you saw I was forced to work with clam schlongs, right?

KIDDING! TexAsian is unfuckingflappable and just says these two ladies he’s competing against are badasses and made better dishes than he did. Daddy Tom looks deflated that TexAsian didn’t give him anything to disagree with or fight about, so he moves on to a much easier target: Mousy. Once he sees she’s making halibut, he immediately brings up Restaurant Wars (from a month ago) and the fact that OMG Bore-verly fucked up her fish dish by overcooking it, “but it seemed like it could have been the way you taught her to pick that dish up that day…”

she is so going to nut-punch you if you don’t shut up about that

So, is this dish her way of proving once and for all that she really can cook halibut? Mousy, to her credit, doesn’t give in to the baiting tactic, she just says she likes to cook fish and she hopes the hot and cold parts of her dish come together the way she wants them to. Foiled again, Daddy! Maybe he can get something interesting out of GroanyBooger, and she does not disappoint when she calls her frozen spiced mousse a “spermatto” and says it’s going to ooze down over the top of her cannolis to make the sauce…

wow, that sounds… pornographic

She ends her sexy little description with yet another whiny plea to be put through to the Final Challenge. Because she deseeeerves it! You know, now that she’s making everything sound kinda dirty, I’m seeing sexual things going on everywhere in this kitchen…

let’s call this dish “Happy Ending”

Of course, we can’t have a challenge without the chefs complaining about how they’ve not been given enough time to prep or cook or think or breathe. It’s episode sixteen, kids, and the Magical Elves clearly have a fetish for undercooked food…

and ham-fisted product placement

I’m not kidding, that shot came in the middle of GroanyBooger explaining her cocktail (and it’s not a margarita, so WTF is up with showing SALT). Speaking of BoogerWoman, she’s got her ginger mousse all ready to go and has hauled out what she calls “the anti-griddle”, which is a big microwave-looking box with a flattop surface on it that gets super-cold. She dumps her mousse on it, and it proceeds to freeze it… too quickly…

and now she has her own version of yellow snow to serve

I don’t think she meant for it to get solid like the Soylent Yellow bars we see above. Gosh, after this little setback, how in the world could she take a moment to refresh herself and calm down?… maybe if she went to a tropical island???…

give. me. a.

fucking. break.

Oh well, time is up…

and credibility is shot

And now “Vancouver’s Culinary Elite” begin to filter in…

funny, they look like regular douche-pies to me

The judges arrive, and we quickly discover…

someone forgot to prep the extras properly

The room is full of ice blocks and gas flames, and everyone looks very cold. Gail says she hopes the dishes are heavy on the heat tonight, because she needs to get warmed up. Daddy Tom exposits that this is the last hurdle before the FINAL-Final, three chefs enter, two chefs leave, blah blah blah. Scar giggles and asks him if there isn’t some kind of Secret Last Chance Finale Redemption Kitchen that he’ll be running off to, which causes Gail to bring up Bore-verly’s name again… and then La Gassy has to make everything uncomfortable by thoughtlessly joking that Bore is under their table right now…

*gulp* clearly I didn’t think that through before I went ahead and said it

TexAsian is the first to serve, and he says he’s just not feeling like he is fully on his game…

perhaps he’s rethinking the “lemon snow” a little too late

Gail is immediately jealous that Daddy Tom got more “snow” than she did. La Gassy says it took a few moments, but he’s starting to get the heat in the dish. Daddy Tom says the broth has tons of lobster flavor… but he is upset that TexAsian included the lone piece of arugula, he thinks using it as a garnish is a cop-out, if it is in the dish, it should have a purpose. I think that sounds completely ridiculous, but I guess Daddy Tom is the kind of guy who always eats the parsley next to the steak, or the twisted orange slice next to the duck, or licks the sugar off the rim of the bahama mama? Anyhow, he thinks the “Pan Am” goes well with the dish, even if it’s a little sweet. La Gassy says he can taste the chili in the foam. Scar says she could actually use even more heat from it, at which point La Gassy reminds her that she bitched at TexAsian the prior day about having used too much spice, and Scar laughs with her mouth and agrees…

while her eyes say “shut up, you fat fuck”

Next thing you know, Gail is asking some local chef-dude named Quang Dang what he thought of the dish… he says the flavors were great, but when you pour hot broth on a bunch of cold garnishes, everything just turns into a luke-warm soup…

thank you, ridiculously-named local douche-cookie

GroanyBooger is back in the kitchen getting ready to serve, and she’s still pooping popsicles over her super-frozen mousse, so she tells the serving staff to instruct everyone that they must cut down through the ice bar she’s laying down on top of their pasta when they eat it…

a few chipped teeth will make it more memorable

Um, okay, I guess “spermatto” isn’t what she made after all, my bad. What’s puzzling to the Judges is why it’s so rock hard. Daddy Tom says the flavor of it is great, and La Gassy thinks she nailed the pasta. Gail says she’s enjoying the citrus in the cocktail, but she’s not so sure it pairs well with the dish. Daddy Tom thinks it would be better on a hot sunny day in Texas.

Now Mousy’s finishing off her plates, and suddenly feels like she’s spent too much time thinking up fun ways to cook tomatoes and hasn’t paid enough attention to the “Fire And Ice” part of the challenge, so she’s adding spoonfuls of tomato ice to the side of her dish in the hopes that it will add some much-needed pizzazz to the plate…

nothing says “excitement” like colorless ice chips

The Judges dig in, and La Gassy immediately notes that his dish is really hot and Gail says hers is “pretty fiery” too. Daddy Tom, on the other hand, says he’s getting nothing like that from his bowl, although the halibut is nicely cooked and the sauce has good flavor. He also doesn’t understand why there is raw kale in it. Gail is really enjoying the tomato nage, she thinks it’s very unusual, “I’ve never eaten a piece of ice so well-seasoned!”…

still, weirdest sno-cone ever

La Gassy says he’s likes Mousy’s cocktail in combination with the food, but by itself it’s just meh. Then a bunch more of the “Culinary Elite” say shit about the food, and most of them still look like a bunch of douche-cakes, so I’m skipping their blather. The three chefs themselves are finished for the night, anyhow, and Mousy points out the fact that this is the first time they have not had the opportunity to go out and explain their dish to the Judges. I think it should be that way every time, it would cut down on people either a) making shit up about their food to cover mistakes they’ve made or b) using words to describe their food that sound like “spermatto”. We all win.

Finally it’s time for Judges’ Table. Starting with TexAsian, La Gassy tells him that his dish was right on conceptually and he liked his cocktail, and Scar agrees with that, except she still thinks he could have used more spice in it…

there is no pleasing this bitch

Then Daddy Tom starts in, saying TexAsian’s idea came together nicely and the broth was delicious, but he demands to know what was supposed to be accomplished by that goddamned piece of arugula? Because it seemed like an afterthought that was just used to add color, and that kind of vegetable recklessness absolutely flies in the face of God. TexAsian quietly says he was happy with the plate of food he put out. So why should he be moved on to the (real) Finale? He just wants the chance to make the best meal he can make for them. The subtext being “STOP THINKING UP STUPID OBSTACLES AND LET ME COOK MY FOOD, DAMMIT”

Moving on to GroanyBooger, Gail says she loved her pasta, she thought it was beautifully made… but the frozen orange Kit-Kat bar on top of it was very difficult to eat with it. Daddy Tom says he thinks her dish was brave, and that it was clearly outside of her comfort zone (except for the fact that it was yet another pasta dish, whatever) but that mousse was way too cold. La Gassy says her cocktail was quite yummy and he wishes they had had a pitcher full of it during the Texas-times. And why should GroanyBooger get to be in the Finale?…

um, hello? I just won $20,000.00 in an Asian challenge this morning?

KIDDING, she says some stuff about food meaning places and memories for her and she wants to be able to tell that story. The subtext being “Like the time this annoying Korean bitch that everybody hated kept getting on my nerves by cooking better food than me and then she went away but then she came back, and…”

Gail decides to tell Mousy that there were a lot of things about her dish that worked very well together, her tomato soup had a nice roasted smoky flavor, but Daddy Tom thinks the remoulade and the tomato overpowered the fish, it might have been a better dish to leave the halibut out of it altogether…

wish I’d put some cat shit or pubic hair in it now

La Gassy tells her his fish was cooked perfectly, but her cocktail started to separate towards the end. Daddy Tom says out of all three dishes, her cocktail worked best with her food. What’s her plea to move on to the Finale? She pulls out the old standby of “I have more to show you” combined with “I’ve learned so much about myself”. The subtext being “Michelle Bernstein will murder me in my tracks if I show up without a check for $125,000.00, please, I am frightened for my life.”

Tonight’s vignette was pretty much just the three chefs downing booze in a train-car and second-guessing everything they did all night long. The choicest part of this convo is when GroanyBooger whines that she really tried haaaaard… and TexAsian snaps back “We all tried hard!”…

and not just to crack someone’s veneers by serving icicles

Hey, let’s check out Chris Scary’s $10,000.00 Check Fan Favorite!…

the top slot hasn’t changed once since the season began

And if you’ve paid any attention to the stupid “Fan With Too Much Time On Their Hands Who Won Their Chef The Most Points” crap, here’s the name that has shown up for half the season now…

guess she came right before Sheila E?

I’m thinking she’s going to want a date outta Scary by the time this is done, because she has been diligent… check it out…

life… please go get one

OK, back to the show… after all the further discussion and critique and anger towards random arugula, the chefs are called back and after some more recapping from Daddy Tom, Scar looks sadly at GroanyBooger and says… “Sarah… you are… moving on to the Finale!”…

at which point she blows an actual booger

OMG, I rolled my eyes so hard one of them got stuck and now I’m looking at my brain, which is shrinking in response to the lameness of that little trick. GroanyBooger hugs everyone and then leaves crying. Once she is gone, Scar then turns and tells Mousy… PSYCHE, she’s gone! She barely thanks them for the opportunity before walking away, leaving TexAsian standing there looking stunned, which goes even deeper when he is told that he has actually won the challenge and gets to take a trip to Costa Rica…

eeeeeeee!

However, things are not so sunny back in the railroad car, as GroanyBooger is having to deal with the fact that her soul sister will not be in the Finale with her…

this is just like when Mister separated Nettie and Celie

Yes, it’s been a long hard road for those two, lots of girl-talk, bitching, PMSing, being cliquish, bullying, swearing, screaming and tons of underhanded passive-aggressive behavior, and now it’s all over. And Groany’s not too sad, because the second Mousy leaves the room, she tells us she always knew it would be her and TexAsian in the Finale. Which, as producer-influenced as this season has been, maybe she’s got a point, they are the two Texans, after all.

So there we have it, we’re almost done! What did you think of this episode? Did you feel like GroanyBooger’s frozen sauce was a bigger mistake than Mousy’s overpowering tomatoes? Or should Mousy have scored the Finale spot for her better cocktail? And did you find Daddy Tom’s critique of TexAsian’s lone arugula as ridiculous as I did? Are you happy that we’re done with stupid challenges? And who is your favorite to win the whole shebang?

Thanks for your guys’ patience (I have no idea when this recap will get posted somewhere, but I’m assuming that things will have long been over by that time, so no one may even care at that point, thanks to that stupid hacker asshole) and as always I appreciate you taking some time to spend reading this, comments are always welcome. OH, and before I forget, here is proof of my semi-celebrity sighting in L.A. when I was there during Oscar Weekend… the BF and I were heading into California Pizza Kitchen when out of the door came…

Willam from RuPaul’s Drag Race!!!

He was super-nice, and when I told him that I work for TVGasm.com, he got very excited and said how much he loves the site! It was mighty cool, and I thought I would share it with you guys. Tune in soon for the recap of the Finale, and until then… make sure you have SALT in your spice rack.

love, J-Mo
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