Top Chef Recap: Koreanspiricy Revealed

Welcome back everybody, and just so you know, I’m not gonna fuck around this time, we’re just going to dive right in, because this show left us with a goddamned cliffhanger last week, and I don’t want to drag this shit out any longer than necessary…

…KIDDING, of course I want to draw this out a little bit more, where is the fun in procrasturbating if you can’t make it last awhile? Yes, I am that guy who doesn’t mind the scenic route, sometimes I suck the chocolate off the Heath bar first, and I’m just as likely to pull up an old Band-Aid one hair at a time until I have discovered a whole new layer of skin, it’s just how I am, and do you wanna know why?…

because moments like this one are meant to be savored

But first, let’s see if we can figure out what we might have possibly learned from last week, starting with…

potholders are for pussies

Pee Weird Herman is an ambidextrous masturbator

and for a second I thought I forgot to pay my interwebz bill

And yes, poor Jobless Grayson was booted from the show for the unforgivable crime of having had the balls to backsass Daddy Tom paired tomatoes with squash. Never mind that GroanyBooger tried to bore the Judges’ mouths to death by withholding salt and pepper, and Ninja Eddie tried to poison them by serving underdone hunks of rubbery chicken sorta warmed over in rancid beef fat. It kinda makes me want to check up on that B&B guest he grudgingly made those over-easy eggs for, are they still alive?

And then Jobless went into Redemption Kitchen™ where everyone was rooting for her to kick Bore-verly’s ass, especially after Bore had the poor taste to ask Jobless why she got eliminated, a question that was totally not held up on a cue card for Bore to read (possibly with the words “say this with a snotty tone” written underneath it). And then just when Daddy Tom was about to reveal who the winner was, the screen went black, and there were a slew of F-bombs, and not just from my house.

It’s an uneasy nighttime at the Casa Del Cheffo, and the remaining four chefs are busy drinking and fucking up their palates…

who needs taste buds?

They have all just learned the awful truth about Redemption Kitchen™, and I’m sure that this knowledge is not sitting well with any of them. Ninja Eddie opines that for sure Bore-verly’s coming back. GroanyBooger immediately bristles “Why would you say such things?” Ninja bets her a pack of smokes that Bore’s sure to be The One, while BoogerWoman says she’s got money that says Jobless will kick Bore’s ass… but in the end she winds up only betting a banana. Ninja confirms the wager and Groany giggles that a pack of cigarettes and a banana “sounds like a good night” to her…

really? I would have pegged her for a late-night kielbasa kind of girl myself

The following day back at the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs arrive to find not four, but five stainless steel cloches lined up on top of their workstation… and for just a moment they allow themselves to wildly hope that this is because…

the Magical Elves can’t count?

Ninja tells us that honestly he doesn’t want anybody to come back, but it’s too late, Scar asks the winner of Redemption Kitchen to enter the kitchen, and we find out…

it’s Bore-verly, bitch!

Yes, I think pretty much most of us expected the winner to be Bore, and I’d suspect we are all hoping it’s because she was the better chef and not because Jobless has a big mouth, but who knows, and it’s too late now, let’s just enjoy this moment…

in all it’s gorgeously karmic teeth-grinding glory

It’s a pretty rude moment, because the second Bore appears we hear someone get bleeped. TexAsian looks uncertain, and Ninja Eddie’s giving everyone a wry I-told-you-so face. As for the Gruesome Twosome, Mousy has at least pasted a small smile on, but GroanyBooger isn’t going to bother even pretending to put aside the petty bullshit she carries and just continues to glare as she tells us “I’m not happy to see Bev… she’s off in her own Bev-land and I’m not buyin’ a ticket to go there anytime soon…”

don’t worry, I doubt Bore wants a ride on your Busted Bitch Bus, either

As for Bore herself, well, she’s all smiles and blowing kisses, and tells us winning Redemption Kitchen was “a huge honor” and she feels like this is her moment. We get a flashback of Daddy Tom telling Bore that she won, and a clearly pained Jobless giving her an awkward hug…

and wishing the challenge had been to make a giant plate of fatty steak

Back in the now-time, Daddy Tom insists to the other four that Bore really cooked her way back into the competition, and that if she continues to shine like she did under that pressure, then they may be in for some serious trouble…

‘cuz it’s a sunny fuckin’ day in Bore-lando

Let’s get to the QuickFire Challenge. Daddy Tom says a good chef knows their ingrediences, not just by sight, but also by using smell and touch and taste. So what’s under the cloches?…

a really ugly tube top?

Nope, it’s a blindfold, and Ninja Eddie jokingly asks if they’re going to cook it. Hahahahahahahaha, no, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it wound up tastier than some of the shit Ninja’s put out this season. Myself, I wanted them to bring back that challenge where they give them 30 tiny little bowls of ingrediences to taste and we get to watch them make embarrassing mistakes like thinking maple syrup is honey, Miracle Whip is mayo and guacamole is boogers. Instead, Scar says they are going to be competing in a blindfolded pantry race. They’ll have 30 minutes to cook, but they must wear the blindfold while they pick out all their ingrediences, and they have to use everything they’ve chosen in the dish…

so don’t grab any of the roach motels by mistake

Today’s winner will have a pretty big choice to make. They can either take ownership of a brand new Cloyota Penis V (Smug Superior Attitude While You Fill Up Optional) or they can go with a “guaranteed spot in the Final Rounds”. As I said in the Minicap, this is not the same thing as the Finale, they’re basically just choosing exemption from this episode’s Elimination Challenge, so it boils down to a car vs. Immunity and not having to cook at all.

Mousy tells us that she thinks it would be smart to take the immunity, but believes deep down that might bug her, and she’d always wonder if she should have taken the car and won the spot by being a great chef. Not everybody is going to feel this same way. In any case, the chefs put on their fugfolds, the clock is set, Scar yells “GO”, and we are rewarded with…

an immediate clusterfuck

They look funny, but it’s no joke to see them stepping blindly out across that HUGE pantry and trying to find stuff to cook with. Ninja Eddie is already over feeling up the vegetables, while Mousy headed right for the fridge with the seafood in it. Poor Bore is rummaging around in what looks like an empty refrigerator while Daddy Tom and Scar laugh at her. Bore says this is really difficult, and she starts wandering towards Scar, who eventually guides her back into the pantry…

prolly to avoid a hefty boob-honk from one of Bore’s outstretched hands

This puts her over by the veggies where Ninja Eddie and GroanyBooger are. When Bore accidentally touches BoogerWoman’s back, she gets a pissy-sounding “Oh Jesus, what’s that?!” hurled at her. Fuck. Me. Is Groany going to seriously get mad at Bore for getting in her way on this one? She can’t see. And to be fair, Bore immediately backed away and apologized…

prolly because her hand sunk into four inches of blubbery sweaty backfat

An extra benefit of the blindfolds? Scar and Daddy Tom don’t have to hide their out-and-out mirth over how ridiculous the chefs look…

best QuickFire evahhhh

Now GroanyBooger and Mousy are battling it out at a fridge containing fresh greens. Groany says she’s planning on making a soup, which might be the smartest move she’s ever made, especially since plating a soup isn’t as complicated as other types of food, like sushi or a crown roast. Anyhow, Groany wants to grab as many ingrediences as possible in the first five minutes so she has the max amount of time to cook, because she is determined not to lose to Bore-verly.

Ninja Eddie’s bitching about the fact that all the meats are in cryovac bags and you can’t smell or touch them, so he’s a little freaked out because he’s got no clue what he’s picking out. Meanwhile TexAsian and Bore are getting tangled up in each other near the produce, while GroanyBooger’s yelling that she’s ready to cook, followed closely by Mousy Lindsay. They have 23 minutes left, and something greenish is dribbling out of Bore’s basket all over the fridge she’s fumbling around in…

at least I hope that’s just dribbling out of the basket, and not down her leg as well

Bore is afraid she’s burned up too much time from having to move around so slowly… after all, we’ve seen what her normal speed in the kitchen looks like…

positively glacial

She’s still dripping shit everywhere and the fridge she just left behind looks as though Hurricane Hag hit it while on a mission to find a hidden piece of cake or something. She calls out that she’s ready to cook, and is quickly followed by TexAsian and Ninja Eddie. There are only 19 minutes left.

So did any of them get any weird ingrediences? Well, Bore wound up with some unwanted avocado, which she is struggling to figure out how to pair with the striped bass that she’s cooking. And Ninja Eddie somehow managed to get his hand on a package of pork casings…

Scar and Daddy Tom are super sympathetic

I dunno why, but Ninja thought the casings were a package of pancetta. Right now he is boiling the shit out of them and hoping to make them soft enough to use for something in his dish, which is a version of udon, substituting veggies for actual noodles. As for TexAsian, he’s making some prawns with a Thai thomato salad, and when Daddy Tom asks him if he plans to take the Penis Vehicle or the immunity, he says he’s gonna take the car: “I didn’t do Top Chef to be safe.”

Miss Mousy wound up grabbing some bulgur wheat, which she is desperately trying to get to cook in such a short time. She also managed to throw herself a curveball when she snagged some mascarpone cheese that she thought was crème fraiche, so now she says she’s trying to figure out how to “neutralize” it. Also struggling is Bore, who realized with five minutes left that she has not even begun to clean or filet her fish…

at least she’s not sporting fish scales in her hair like last week

I think it’s pretty safe to say at this point that Bore won’t have to be choosing between immunity and a brand new car. Hey, i wonder how the Ninja is getting along with those tasty pork casings…

oh good, they’re even less appetizing than I’d hoped

When something looks like gray ropy boogers, it’s time to give up on it, which is exactly what Ninja does… however, he says the salty water they were boiling in is actually pretty tasty, so he’s going to use that as the broth for his udon, and viola! He’s still screwed. And now time is up.

They start off with Bore-verly, and Scar wants to know how it feels to be back…

feels a lot like bitter hatred, thanks

Well, that’s what she said with her eyes and her hair-smoothing gesture, her mouth, on the other hand, said it felt awesome to be there. So here’s her poor blind fish dish…

that pooped a trail of chunky diarrhea

I’m sorry, but that does not look cute, and Scar immediately mentions that the fish is undercooked, which means GroanyBooger is openly and savagely gleeful…

hate all you want, Groany, she’s still thinner, prettier, and actually married

Next in line is TexAsian’s simple shrimp…

that he cleverly formed into the shape of a Cloyota ignition switch

This time it’s Daddy Tom who wants to know if he meant to undercook the shrimp or if this is how he likes them. TexAsian believes he brought them right up to the correct cooking point, but when the Judges walk away you can tell he’s not happy, and probably isn’t going to be asked to make the Sophie’s Choice that comes with winning this challenge. And with that, they’re on to Ninja Eddie…

and his salty intestine soup

Of course Ninja makes certain to mention how clever he was in using the sausage-casing water as the base of his soup, and tells us that seeing Scar take a second mouthful is always a good sign…

not to mention lovely as ever

After congratulating him on skating out from under the falling anvil that was chewy intestines, the Judges mosey over to GroanyBooger…

yay for peaches’n'corn?

Actually, if you look real close, you can see the subliminal message that GroanyBooger left for the Judges in her plating…

Scar asks her if she has ever combined mushrooms and peaches before, and Groany says no, “But I’m trying to push the limit!” Of my patience, perhaps, but whatever, last up is Mousy Lindsay…

this would be far more interesting as vulgar wheat, Al Capone and broccoli rape

When she’s asked if she had any problems in the pantry while blindfolded, she mentions having walked into a wall a couple of times. No one has the heart to tell her that was GroanyBooger.

Time to see who gets to either drive a dildo home or pussy their way out of the next competition! Starting with Ninja Eddie, Daddy Tom says having sausage casings was the hardest ingredience there, and that his making broth out of them was brilliant, and that the prawn in his pseudon was perfectly cooked. As for TexAsian, Daddy says it was a nice dish, it had a great balance of flavor, but he still believes the prawn was undercooked…

and now TexAsian’s visualization of a new Penis V is getting smaller and smaller in his rearview bike mirror

Even worse, Daddy tells Bore-verly that her unintended avocado side was the best part of her dish, because that fish was still flopping. For Mousy, he says her bulgur wheat went well with the tomato and her fish was perfectly cooked (dammit!) and he loved the char on her greens. Lastly, he tells GroanyBooger that it was interesting how she took an ingredience like peaches and tried to force it into her dish… and this time it worked (double dammit!) and it was delicious. He goes on to say the choice is between Ninja and Groany, and the winner is…

the fat dude farting in the low-cut sleeveless blue dress

Even worse, the actual QuickFire winner is GroanyBooger…

who is so elated she completely forgets to snarl at Bore-verly for touching her

“So much for pork casings.” says Ninja glumly. So what does GroanyBooger choose for her prize? With her only hesitation being that she would like to know what the Elimination Challenge is, she goes straight for the immunity. Ninja believes this is a sign that BoogerWoman doesn’t have enough confidence in her cooking skills, but she’s one of the Final Four now, so she doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, dammit…

and I’m betting this is pretty close to what they’re thinking

Oh well, the silver lining here is that I most likely won’t have to see much of Groany’s florid face for the rest of this episode, as we are about to find out about the Elimination Challenge. Scar says only three of them will join their cowardly competitor in the Final Rounds, and Daddy Tom says they’ve brought in some people who have helped them get this far in the challenge, and five random people walk out who are identified as the “mentors” of our remaining chefs…

so this is who should bear some of the blame for the way these people act

Oddly, TexAsian immediately begins to well up and spill over at the sight of the slender guy in the blue button-down. Predictably, GroanyBooger is squealing, jumping up and down, and generally deep-frying the nerves of everyone around her with a never-ending shriek of “Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!”. Bore gives a quiet black-power fist-salute to the long-haired woman, and of course, because she is foisted on us almost every season and has only been mentioned 942 times since November, we are graced with yet another appearance of Michelle Bernstein, who is looking more than a tad predatory…

my, what big teeth you have, Grandma!

I guess the Big Boy belongs to Ninja Eddie. And wow, TexAsian just cannot seem to hold himself together, he is really leaking…

I sure hope that Mr. Button-Down isn’t his old weed hook-up

Scar says she can tell from all the sniffling going on that there are “some good stories” to be told, so she wants the chefs to each introduce their mentor. GroanyBooger starts off with Tony Mantuano (a.k.a. Tobama) who appeared on the second season of Top Chef Masters and dubbed himself “President Obama’s favorite chef”. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised when BoogerWoman proudly tells everyone that Tobama has made her “an amazing chef, so I thank him for that every day!”…

yes, eight-head, thanks for leaving out the part where you teach your protegeés about grace and humility

Moving on to Mousy, she tells Michelle Bernie that she’s gonna look at her shoes to keep from crying. Awwww, that’s kinda sweet. And that feeling goes away immediately when Mousy tells us that Bernie molded this girl from North Carolina with “trainwreck hair” (no lie!) and boasts “She taught me how to balance being a badass and a lady at the same time!”…

yes, Bernie, thank you for helping create such a fucking lady

It’s Bore-verly’s turn, and instead of trumpeting what a badass awesome lady chef she has become, she simply says that her mentor Sarah Stegner found her at age 16 when she had no idea what fine-dining was, and thanks her for having “tough love” on her…

anybody else wondering if she keeps crumpled inspirational notes in her pockets, too?

Bore is now weeping a little, but if she’s leaking, TexAsian is just about to full-on gush as he introduces Tyson Cole and says he’s the one who brought him up over the last eight years and… he can’t even finish. Not only that, but Tyson starts to get choked up, too…

dude, stop it, you totally did something right by this kid

Wow, TexAsian didn’t even have a chance to brag about what a stellar chef he is! Oh, wait, the fifty thousand dollars he’s already won kinda does that for him, doesn’t it? And finally, Ninja Eddie introduces us to his Big Boy, whose name is Frank Crispo…

aaaaand, I just became gay again (hi big daddy)

Ninja says that Big Crisp found him in his twenties when he had no idea what he wanted to do with himself, “I had long hair, I had an attitude, I walked into his kitchen and he whipped me into shape!” About what, I’m not sure, cuz Eddie still has the long hair and the attitude. Oh wait, he’s not done, he’s saying Big Crisp also taught him how to be honest and hardworking, and above all, how to cook. Now Ninja’s getting a little misty-eyed. Big Crisp just stands there looking sexy.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, the Elimination Challenge, which is for the chefs to make a dish that will impress their mentors. They get 2½ hours to prep that day and then an hour to cook the following day at a place called the Hotel Valencia. The winner now gets to take home the Cloyota Penis V. As for GroanyBooger, well, since she doesn’t have to compete, she gets to spend the rest of the day getting hammered with Tobama, which she thinks (and squeals) is just awesome…

other things that are awesome: I don’t have to see any more giant sets of gums coming at me for the next 40 minutes

So, the two of them head off to the bar while the rest of the chefs have a chance to meet with their mentors. TexAsian sweetly apologizes to Tyson Cole for getting So Emotional (love you Whitney!), and Tyson just pats him on the shoulder and says he liked the fact that TexAsian was so open and raw with his feelings. Meanwhile, Ninja Eddie is talking in a low voice with Big Crisp, who observes that Eddie is up against some tough competitors…

and I’m observing he is one helluva big hunk of man

He advises Ninja to not second-guess himself and just go through with whatever he decides on. Over in Bev-Land, Bore is having a sweetly encouraging conversation with a Sarah that doesn’t hate her, her mentor is there to support her because she is so talented, she knows she can take this challenge and do what she’s best at. Things are not quite as candy-hearts and rainbow-unicorns between Bernie and Mousy, because as Mousy’s tossing out ideas of doing a cioppino or a bouillabaisse, Bernie gives her a not-so-soft glare and says “everything in that bowl better be perfectly cooked…”

or I’m firing you and hiring that twitchy little Korean woman behind you

Now we come to my least favorite part of the show, which is a fucking Cloyota Penis V commerical. It has to be somewhat embarrassing to the chefs to be forced to exclaim over its hybridness (Bore) or its headroom (Ninja) or how cool it is (Mousy) or how it’s “the car to win” (TexAsian)…

or how big its giant gaping ass-end is (J-Mo)

Then it’s off to Whole Paycheck Market so Bore can awkwardly run her cart into random pyramid displays of soup cans. Ninja Eddie immediately hits up the seafood counter and is disappointed to discover they have no fresh oysters. Instead of ditching the idea of making an oyster dish and going with one of the other myriad choices in that fresh seafood cold case, Ninja decides instead to use some pre-cooked shrimp machine-made tortillas frozen scallops packaged puff pastry Wonder Bread™ Kraft Easy Cheese™ smoked canned oysters… because the judges are clearly tired of eating fresh fresh fresh foods all the damned time…

maybe I can take away the canned taste if I stick my finger in them!

I sat there watching this with my mouth open, especially when Ninja claimed they had nice flavor and bought all the packages they had. Oh well, let’s move on to Bore-verly, who has decided to take a risk and make a dish in a wok, because it’s “the soul” of what she does… (I almost typed “the Seoul” but I restrained myself). Anyhow she mentions that she still has her crumpled little affirmation that she can win Top Chef…

the cheap version of The Secret?

Then she smacks her cart into the spice rack display. Meanwhile, Mousy is also finding herself disappointed by the lack of exotic seafoods available in the Whole Paycheck coolers today, they don’t have any calamari or octopus and she really wanted some impressive things to serve Bernie. She appears to settle on some mussels or clams (I have a hard time telling them apart) and uneasily calls it good.

Over at the Hotel Valencia, we are forced to watch Tobama and GroanyBooger having a shot of tequila together, and then we hear BoogerWoman say that “Now the juices are gonna start flowing…”

keep your juices on your side of the table, please

Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs are all running around like mad, and Bore-verly is dropping stuff…

and enforcing the five-second rule

Eh, high heat will kill anything. Also, Ninja Eddie will probably be feeling pretty homicidal, because he tells us if he loses his spot and gets sent home because Bore came back, he’s gonna be “so pissed off”…

because clearly it will have had nothing to do with my choice of canned ingrediences

We haven’t heard much from TexAsian, mostly because he’s only just now tapered down to sniffles and the occasional hiccup. He has decided to move forward with a chilled sunchoke and dashi soup. He’s a little worried that it might be too simple of a dish for the Judges (lord knows Mousy is certainly aiming for complex) but he believes the flavors are really solid and will snag him the keys to that rolling dildo parked outside.

Speaking of Miss Mousy, she tells us she’s starting to second-guess herself and is nervous about the number of components in her dish…

one of which is about to be a mixture of scalp-sweat and Prell residue

She then turns to Ninja Eddie and claims that if she does poorly she “might not have a job” when she goes back home. You know, I was going to make fun of that and be like, yeah, really, I’m so sure that Michelle Bernstein would totally fire you if you don’t win Top Chef… but after seeing how deadly hardcore she got with her just 10 minutes ago, I can actually see her saying…

GTFO

Time is up, and they head back to Casa Del Cheffo, where Bore gleefully unpacks her suitcase again, then runs to join the other four chefs to ask if they were surprised when she came back? Naturally, GroanyBooger says no…

with her mouth full

Instead of being bitchy and snotty, Mousy tells us that she knows she had issues with Bore in the house before, but accepts that she’s back and says that now she’s just got to beat her. Which is a slightly better attitude than the one being sported by the half-hammered sweaty mess slumping next to her. Surprisingly, countryman Ninja Eddie sounds even angrier than GroanyBooger as he flat-out tells Bore-verly “We were all excited because we thought we were the Final Four.” This earns him a less-than-admiring stare from Bore…

well, that’s the last time I stalk you outside your restaurant, buddy

That was rather unsettling to see. In any case, the next day dawns, and oh NO, they have TexAsian talking with his girlfriend Dina on the Handheld-Mobile-Device-Of-Death™! We get to see a picture of the two of them together, and they are cute as a pair of really super-likable buttons…

on a really mega-talented yet unassuming pair of Filipino pants

Now it’s over to the Hotel Valencia for everyone (except GroanyBooger, who is probably hung over) for their final hour of cook time. Bore says her mentor Sarah really loves soulful Asian cooking and the last time she cooked for the woman was when she actually worked for her. She’s telling us the tricky thing about making this dish in a wok is that she will have to make the parts of it in small batches in the last ten minutes, otherwise it will taste like Panda Express.

TexAsian seems to be in a good place, he did most of his cooking the previous day, so now all he has to do is follow fourteen different steps to plate his soup. Well, he does have a full hour. Mousy isn’t quite as confident in her “unique interpretation” of seafood stew…

can’t imagine why, it looks delicious

Ninja is trying to crisp up some pork belly skin as a garnish…

and the pork belly ain’t havin’ it

The Judges (including Scar, Daddy Tom, Gail Simmons and Hughnibrow) have gathered in the dining room, which has been decorated in the best votive candles Big Lots has to offer. Joining them are The Mentors (Tyson Cole, Sweet Sarah, Big Crisp and Bernie) and I am happy to report that neither Tobama nor GroanyBooger get to partake in or judge what Scar toasts as the “last meal here in Texas”.

Back in the kitchen, Bore-verly is putting her last touches on her dish, and she’s telling herself that it has turned out beautifully. She doesn’t think that they’re going to be impressed by how it looks, but she believes they’ll be impressed by “the ballsiness” of it…

just wanted you guys to see her “ballsiness” face

And so it begins, Bore leads off with her wokreation…

and told us the truth about how it looks

They allow Sweet Sarah to lead off, and she says she’s loving the level of heat and the flavors, her shrimp is perfectly cooked, and she is certain Bore cooked from the heart. Daddy Tom chimes in that cooking in a wok for 8 people is really difficult, Bore pushed herself and did a nice job overall. Aaaand, I guess nobody else had anything to say, which seems weird. And troubling.

Knowing that Mousy Lindsay is up next, Bernie says she’s the nervous one, “I almost feel like I’m in the kitchen there as well… because she is an extension of me.” Wow, inflated ego much? Perhaps I should have been calling the poor girl Bernie Jr. this whole time? Daddy Tom seems to be a little tired of this overly-dramatic crap, because when Bernie says she just wants Mousy to be happy, he snaps back with “It sounds like you’re breaking up with her!”…

well, I believe if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Mousy is telling us that she emulsified her sauce with some heavy cream, and now feels like that might have been a big mistake, but she was panicking and wanting to get as much flavor into the dish as she could… but now she is sore afraid…

especially when her attempt to distract them with a shadow puppet show fails miserably

Oh well, too late now, let’s take a look at her creamy

it’s like the ugliest bowl of Lucky Charms you can imagine

After everyone has had a chance to eat some, Scar asks Bernie what she thinks…

I think this lank-haired bitch is so fired

KIDDING, she doesn’t say that! Instead, she says everything was cooked really, really beautifully, and to her, the clam and the mussel were so perfect… but she doesn’t know why Mousy put the cream into the dish at the end. Big Crisp says he got a big jolt of raw thyme on his tongue. Hughnibrow says the fish was cooked perfectly, the shrimp was great, it was a pretty good job “all things considered”. I think we have a bottom-contender now.

Scar asks Tyson what TexAsian is like… he says the youngster is the first person he has ever worked with who can learn a new technique, and come back two days later doing it better than he can! Bernie looks horrified at the thought, and Tyson admits that at first he was a little threatened by TexAsian’s skill, but he soon realized how valuable (or in Gail’s words: “exploitable”) that characteristic could be…

not to mention the guy makes an awesome pot brownie

Oh lord, TexAsian’s telling us that now he’s second-guessing himself, too, and keeps wanting to put more stuff on his plate because this cold chilled soup is just so damned simplistic… but in the end he resists and presents it as is…

snotbucket and all

Bernie speaks up first and says the first spoonful she had of the soup, she thought it was salty. Hughnibrow jumps in to say that it balanced perfectly with the “completely unseasoned vegetables”. Daddy Tom tells Tyson that TexAsian has been cooking a lot of Thai food lately, but they have not seen anything like this dish from him ever, at all. Tyson says it is everything he’s been preaching to TexAsian over the years about not overdoing it and balancing everything. Back in the kitchen, Mousy tries some of Tex’s soup and says (rather wistfully) how nice it is. I almost feel sorry for her…

but then I remember this and I go right back to not caring

Now Big Crisp is talking about Ninja Eddie, and I would tell you what he was saying, but I can’t because I am completely distracted…

lord, save me from a big man who looks good in a suit

Woof. Where were we? Oh yeah, Ninja Eddie’s dish…

that tried to blind him

Gail says Ninja packed the plate with a ton of flavor. Big Crisp says Eddie’s going back to his roots and preparing his food with an in-your-face style. Daddy Tom says he is just not a big fan of this kind of oyster sauce… at all. Awk. Ward. So Bernie, Hughnibrow and Scar all say how much they love the pickled veggies. And how cute the corrugated tin on the walls looks. And how darling the little votive candles are. And let’s bring back the chefs so that it’s not uncomfortable any more…

yay, one of you is about to cry some more

And speaking of crying, tonight’s vignette is all about Ninja Eddie making fun of everyone else for having gotten weepy-eyed when their mentors showed up. He says he’s not much of a crier, so in honor of everyone else histrionics, he pretends to cry and fake-sobs “I don’t wanna go hoooome!” This is what the editors used in the previews to make us all go “Huh?” last week, which I find kind of annoying, and I’m kinda not happy with Ninja for being that guy who always feels the need to judge people as weak for having given in to overwhelming emotion…

so, um, hold this thought for a few more minutes

Then GroanyBooger shows up, and Mousy asks her what she did today. Ninja Eddie observes that she looks “well-rested”…

peaky, pasty skin and hiding the eyes = tequila takedown

Scar appears and asks to see all of them… except GroanyBooger (yay) because she still has “the night off”. BoogerWoman does not argue and pretty much just continues to loll in her chair.

It winds up being that TexAsian gets a buttload of praise for his gutsy serving of chilled simple soup… and Bore is also handed some love for the complexity of making a wok dish, they are the two favorite dishes and will be moving on to the Finals as well! But of course, we all pretty much knew that the top winner would be…

the guy who gets to put his bike away!

He even gets to go up and have Scar actually hand him his keys! Remember when Sexist Pigshit won a Penis last season and she didn’t even want to touch him??!?…

well, I sure do

Bore-verly barely looks disappointed, she’s just so happy that she’s made it back into the competition and says getting to move on to the Finals is even sweeter to her because of it…

while it’s clearly a helluva lot sourer to others

So TexAsian and Bore head back to the Stew Room where they give GroanyBooger the great news that the two of them will be joining her in the Final Four…

and she is beyond thrilled

Or she’s still drunk. Either way, she’s super-worried about her sister Drusilla Mousy and wants to know what the Judges said about their dishes. Her request is denied, though, because TexAsian tells her that they were sent from the room before the critiquing began. Groany now looks like she’s about to puke. For, like, the third time today.

Gail says that when Mousy brought out her dish the aroma was “intoxicating” and there was a beautiful balance of seafood in it, but she wants to know why she dumped that cream all over it? Mousy says she wanted some fat to bring the dish together, but she realized after she had already done it that the brown butter she cooked her fish in would have served the same purpose. Hughnibrow also points out that her use of dried-herbs permeated everything heavily. Daddy Tom says that was a mistake, and Mousy admits she knew it when she brought the plate out, but it was too late to do anything about it…

just like it’s almost too late to stop her from stress-vomiting right now

Now she’s openly weeping as Gail moves on to Ninja Eddie, praising his pickles, but pointing out there was “something off” about his oyster sauce. Hughnibrow flat-out asks if the oysters he used were canned, and Ninja tries to think of a tricky answer (like repeating that they were smoked) but he can’t and now has to admit that they were, in fact, packaged…

and this is what it looks like when you have fatally fucked up

Ninja tries to whine about the fact that there were no fresh oysters to be had in San Antonio on that day, but that is cutting zero ice with anybody. Hughnibrow says there were just a zillion things going on with the plate, it was a little busy and believes that there is a great dish in there… somewhere…

but he won’t have the chance to find out

Yes, the Ninja is not going to the Finals, and he doesn’t do his likability factor any favors by saying how much it sucks to get so close and then getting “knocked out” by Bore-verly in the last round… “It’s a bad way to go…”

you guys all saw the gun Bore held to my head to use those canned oysters, right?

So much for Korean Pride. Bore finds it ironic that she idolized Ninja so much, and yet she made it further in the competition. After hugging everyone goodbye, Ninja has a big swig of bourbon on his way out the door, while the remaining four, Mousy, Groany, Bore-verly and TexAsian have some champagne…

guess who’s hoping there is no room for Asian food in the finale?

And there you have it! What did you think of this episode? Did you feel like the whole Redemption Kitchen twist was a mistake, or was it an interesting curveball? Should GroanyBooger have had the guts to have competed in the Elimination Challenge, or was she smart to just take the free spot and avoid it altogether? Did Mousy make a bigger error by using overpowering dried herbs in her dish, or was Ninja the bigger offender for using canned stuff? And how much more stuff can TexAsian win? Jesus.

I want to say thanks again for stopping by to share some of my rambly thoughts. It’s strange how I kinda wanted to talk about stuff that makes people emotional in the Minicap, and then forty-eight hours later I woke up from a nap to find out Whitney Houston had died, which has left me feeling very strange and somewhat lost, so if this recap seems a little off… well, chalk it up to me being a giant Whitney fan who is pretty much devastated by this news…

thankfully, I have Chunky around for times like these when I really need him

I dunno about you guys, but I’m gonna go hole up with a big bowl of popcorn and my copies of The Bodyguard and Waiting To Exhale now…

love, J-Mo :_)

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