Top Chef Recap: Next Time Just Get Taco Bell

Hey there foodie fans! Here we are, our first real episode of Top Chef Texas, and it’s coming none too soon, I was getting awful confused by all the chefs with bad hairstyles, and there are only so many ways you can make fun of a fauxhawk. Strangely, I seem to be able to keep coming up with new ones, so I guess it’s a gift that keeps on giving (in a horrible sort of Grandma-Knitted-You-This-Pink-Sweater-That-Says-”Keep-On-Rappin’!”-And-You-Must-Wear-It-Every-Time-You-See-Her-Until-She’s-Dead way). But first, let’s talk a little bit about Mexican food. I remember once when I was a kid (living in Topeka, Kansas) my folks took me and my older brother M-Mo to eat at a Mexican restaurant called Casa Del Sol. I had never had Mexican food in my life (I think I was about seven) and I ordered an enchilada (which I picked because I liked the way the word rolled off my tongue, to me it sounded like the name of a pretty lady with big dangly earrings… don’t ask me why I thought that, or about my imagining her accessories, I was a seven-year-old homo). In any case, I immediately began annoying everyone at the table by saying “enchilada” over and over again, and normally this would have been my brother’s cue to punch me, but he was being strangely quiet. Well, the waitress had just delivered my enchilada and I was about to take a bite when my brother stopped being quiet, namely by saying “URK!” and then puking all over the table.

I didn’t have Mexican food again until I was in my mid-twenties.

Seriously, I know it’s unfair, but for a long time I could not get beyond the Mexican-food-makes-you-vomit association. If I was invited out to eat and a Mexican place was chosen, I was that guy ordering a cheeseburger. However, I eventually learned to embrace the Hispanic culture (primarily on my back, my first two boyfriends were Mexican), I became fascinated by telenovelas (the ladies were my first drag queens) and I learned enough Spanish to be able to tell if someone was talking shit about me. Oh, and I finally started having Mexican food again…

thanks to that sassy chihuahua and this poco parte del cielo

Well, before we get to any kind of deliciousness that involves tortillas, we need to be reminded of some of the things we’ve learned about chefs so far…

some are angry

some are loud

some are unfuckable

We start off in the brand new spacious Casa Del Cheffo, and we learn that not only does Beverly Kim carry a note that says “I CAN I MUST I WILL”, she also has printed out and posted a note congratulating herself for already winning…

apparently notes printed in Arial Bold can see into the future

I’ve gotta hand it to her, that is really… annoying. Something tells me that if Beverly doesn’t lay off the self-motivational crap, she’s likely to start finding response notes around the house from her more normal roommates who need that precious mirror space to do their hair…

subtext: next time use a Post-It, bitch

I’m sorry, I think self-motivation can be a good thing, especially when done in your head, but prematurely awarding yourself the win just seems kinda arrogant. I’m sure Beverly doesn’t mean it in that way, she’s just trying to stand out and forge some kind of personality…

and she’s failing miserably

Welcome to the show, Bore-verly. We’ll check back in with you later and see if anything interesting has developed. Meanwhile, we have BlackBear Keith Rhodes re-telling the sad story of his incarceration…

and remembering the day he found out prison love is neither sweet nor consensual

BlackBear Keith feels like cooking saved his life, which is probably true, if you’re working in a kitchen you can always brain someone with a big pot if they try to stab you (or fuck you). He’s ready to compete against some other Top Chef wannabees. Well, let’s grant his wish and get our asses over to the Top Chef Kitchen and meet up with Padma (Scar) Lakshmi…

and a bored Mexican gay guy

After congratulating everyone for making it onto the real show (sorry BaldBear Andrew, Last Chance Kitchen is web-only, and therefore still kinda minor league), Scar is all ready to tell them about the first QuickFire Challenge… but first, let’s meet her queeny little friend, Johnny Hernandez, who owns La Gloria restaurant right there in San Antonio…

no, I am not Theñor Gomethz from Barthelona

Not sure why Johnny is standing like he’s a contestant in a drag pageant, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that all of the chefs have an elongated wooden box on the table in front of them, and Scar says their QuickFire Challenge is to make a dish using rattlesnake…

venom sauce optional

Johnny Girlnandez says that rattlesnakes are used often in Texas cuisine, and reveals that his restaurant goes through about 800 pounds of them every year. I’m going to reveal that I’ve crossed La Gloria off the list of Restaurants I Want To Try. Also not feeling the slithery reptilian love-vibe is L.A.-ite and semi-Goth Tat-Queen Dakota Weiss, who says she has a major fear of snakes…

and of looking attractive

Um, as hard as this woman looks (at only 35!) I would venture to say the snakes are just as scared of her. Gothic chicks are known for wearing a lot of animal-hide boots, you know. Either DaCody Diablo is going to bone this challenge righteously, or she’s some kind of snake savant who’s about to make rattler meat taste like a Crunchwrap Supreme. In any case, Scar gives them one hour to cook and tells them their ingredient is currently in the box on the table in front of them, which makes everyone get the insta-willies, especially Ty-Lör Boring (Ty-Böre) who says this just sucks…

oh, quit bitching, you made everyone look at your skinny hairy ass-crack

Might I also point out that olive-drab long underwear has not been considered sexy since the 1880s? Anyhow, besides immunity in the Elimination Challenge, there’s also a $5,000.00 cash prize. Niiiice, but then Scar has to go and ruin it by joking that when time is up “I better see some motherfucking snakes on some motherfucking plates!”…

how rude, is that the same mouth you put old man balls in?

Sorry, but I have never seen Snakes On A Plane (I have a hard enough time flying on regular planes without adding additional phobias to the mix) and I have always been leery of any movie that is the subject of intense internet hype, because it almost always winds up like this…

Still, hearing Scar drop a double-F-bomb is enough for some of the chefs to cackle wildly, and she starts their time ticking. The chefs then turn to their respective boxes and gingerly flip the lids open to find…

already dead (and pre-skinned) kinky snakemeat

BWAHAHAHAHA, PSYCHE! They all thought they were going to have to kill the snakes as part of their cook time! Immediately the chefs begin to notice that there isn’t a lot of snakemeat to remove from the bone, in fact what they’re getting looks an awful lot like strips of fatty bacon (or maybe snacon)? Big girl Sarah Grueneberg is working next to her fellow Chicagoan Richie (LimpHawk) Farina and tells us his style is “fun and whimsy”…

and seizure-like

This is very much the opposite of Sarah’s own style, which she describes as superior simpler, yet tasty. i haven’t found a nickname for Sarah that I like yet, so let’s check back in with DaCody Diablo, who’s planning on making a snakemeat fritter (or maybe a snitter) and says she cooks a lot of weird shit at her restaurant, like goat’s livers and barracuda (with maybe a little bat’s wing and eye of newt thrown in) but this is freaking her out, cooking snake is haaaaard…

harder than trying to write Juno 2, even

Remember our cocky youngster, Chewy Valencia? Well, naturally, he isn’t freaked out by the snake at all because he’s had the singularly unique upbringing of having grown up on a farm, so a little snake isn’t gonna cross his eyes, he’s used to slaughtering animals…

he’s also used to being dropped off at Goodwill in a basket of old cowboy hats

Speaking of chewy, Bore-verly’s testing out the snakemeat and says it seems to be rather toothsome, so she’s not sure if she’s cooking it properly or not. Being Korean, she says that some foods are supposed to have “a bit of a chew” so she’s just gonna go with it…

a.k.a. slather it in barbecue sauce

After some more annoying banter from the ChicagoBros (Penis-Hair and LimpHawk) about how close they are and how they’re going to dominate (bluh) time finally runs out as Scar and Girlnandez return to start eating some motherfucking snakes. They begin with Sarah Grueneberg…

served Garden-Of-Eden-style, with the serpent wearing the leaves this time

After Girlnandez grills Sarah a little about whether or not she put anything on the snakemeat before she flash-fried it (she did, lemon zest, dunno if that was important, but Girlnandez sounded like he was trying to trip her up, so there you go), they move on to Bore-verly…

and her Stargate’O'Snake™

Following a pretty heavy simpering-session from Bore-verly, they hit up Chris Scary next…

kinda surprised he didn’t write “I ♥ Padma” in that giant cum-splotch

I think Chris is getting a taste of his own stalker-medicine, he’s desperately trying to get Scar to look at him…

while studiously ignoring the eye-fucking Girlnandez is giving him

Penis-Hair Chris is up next, and his dish is in desperate need of a tampon…

cuz it’s spotting

Then we get local TexAsian Paul Qui’s entry…

which is shockingly Asian-influenced and looks a lot like a bowl of fish bait

Girlnandez says that TexAsian has some “really strong flavors coming through”, which leaves Paul semi-smiling as they hit up DaCody Diablo…

who is determined to suppress their appetites with a big serving of crazy-eyes

seriously, this is the first one I think I’ve wanted to actually eat

Now it’s time for BlackBear Keith, and he made a mini-buffet line…

overachiever much?

Scar is enjoying his tequila-poblano-queso-fondue dipping sauce so much she asks Girlnandez if she can double-dip. Girlnandez just giggles, gives her a sideways-eye and says he’s been to a gang-bang before, it ain’t no thang. Then they arrive at Nyesha’s little offering…

which looks like it could still kill you

Seriously, what are those spiky things she left on the rattlesnake, are they like rib bones? Ew. Let’s move on to Cocky Chewy…

a.k.a. corn explosions and snake-cakes

He’s followed by LimpHawk…

and see how the rattlesnake is dominating the corn?… ’nuff said

Aaaand once again there are so many chefs that we apparently don’t care about what Jobless Grayson, Eddie Lee, Lindsay Autry, Heather Terhune, Whitney Otawka or Ty-Böre put out. There must be something really dramatic and awesome that happens later for them not to bother showing us their QuickFire dishes, but because *I* care, here they are…

sorry about Heather’s dish

Now that the judging is over with, Girlnandez tells the chefs that rattlesnake has a very delicate texture and flavor so it’s super-difficult to balance with other ingrediences. Gee, seems like that might have been useful to know before the QuickFire, but whatever. Least favorites were TexAsian Paul (Girlnandez liked the colors and technique, but the snake got lost in all the bait-cuttings), Richie LimpHawk (all he could taste was citrus, the snake was obsolete) and Nyesha (one-dimensional in flavor, and her snakemeat was overcooked)…

keep talkin’ queenella, I’ll shove you in a microwave and show you who’s overcooked

I’ve had a terrible time with Miss Nyesha, because every time I hear her name I have to keep reminding myself that she isn’t that horrible blow-up doll woman from The A-List New York. Also, I am having a terrible time with her because I am totally distracted by that giant divot in her forehead. I’m thinking of calling her Divot Diva. Anyway, the dishes that Girlnandez actually liked belonged to Bore-verly (he’s obviously a Stargate fan, he thought her presentation was “elegant”, whereas I would have called it “a snot circle”) and to DaCody Diablo (he says fried rattlesnake is “a good nod to Texas”, so, you’re welcome Texas) and also to big girl Sarah’s dish (she cooked the snakemeat perfectly and that lemon zest she used on it was an awesome touch). So who gets the five thousand smackeroos?…

naturally, it’s the one who hated the main ingrediences

She also wins immunity in the Elimination Challenge, so Miss DaCody Diablo is free to be as weird as she wants now! She says winning this QuickFire is huh-YOOGE, and now she wants everyone to know that “maybe I’m someone you better watch out for!”…

don’t worry, your roommates are already sleepless

Time for the Elimination Challenge, and the dreaded Knife Block Of Doom™ is brought out. The chefs pull a knife drenched in either Diarrhea Green or Tacky Pink, and Scar tells them they’ll be creating a meal for “a very important event”, and then she introduces the client, a young latina named Blanca Flores…

you look kinda Mexican, too, mi hermana alta

Eddie Lee says (through his disturbing ventriloquist’s mouth) that he has no idea who Miss Blanca is, “Maybe she’s a Mexican rock star?” I’m not exactly sure why he’s jumping to that conclusion, Blanca could be a young mathematician, or a geneticist, or even a really short bait cop for To Catch A Predator. Would it be just as bad if I admitted I was wondering if maybe Eddie is a ninja? What with his out-of-sync vocals and mysterious healing powers…

and his totally non-stereotypical headband

Scar solves the mystery for us and says that Blanca is having her 15th birthday on the following day, so the important event is her quinceañera. This prompts Cocky Chewy to toss out an “Órale!” to his homegirl, which kind of an expression of solidarity and affirmation…

in ten years we are going to outnumber these people

Cocky Chewy explains that the quinceañera is the Mexican version of a Sweet Sixteen party, but he laments that only the girls get to have one, the boys are just taught how to kill a goat, which is kinda sad, because a matar una cabra party sounds like fun. I’m serious, you could pass out butcher knives and coveralls to all your friends, perform a few pseudo-demonic chanting rituals (to scare the neighbors), have a big blood-splatter fight, play Read The Future In Spilled Entrails, that kind of thing. Chewy needs to have more imagination.

Anyhow, back to Miss Blanca, she’s telling the chefs that tons of her friends and family are going to show up at this party and they are all expecting it to be “really big and… great“…

she is a smart girl to use simple words that even these dunderheads can’t misinterpret

SO, Scar says over 100 guests (and the Judges) are going to be expecting elegant Mexican food… oh, and also? Each team has to make a delicious cake. You know, I didn’t think it was possible for Blanca’s smile to get any wider, but at the mention of cake I was proven wrong…

you and me both, hermanita

The teams get to split 30 minutes of menu-planning time with Miss Blanca, and beginning with the Diarrhea Green Team, Cocky Chewy has instantly taken the lead to pepper her with questions about her family’s level of spice-tolerance. Fag Hag Heather jumps in to find out if she likes tres leches cake and we find out that Heather actually started out as a pastry chef! However, she eventually stopped because she became really bored with it. “But, it makes you really… well… rounded”…

no pun intended

Well, it sounds like they’ve got the cake squared away, what else does Blanca want? OMG, she loves goat meat, too! Cocky Chewy gets to use the skills he was taught from his coming-of-age to help her with hers! Grupo Verde better kick some culo or it’s going to be muy embarazoso. Time for her to move on to the Tacky Pink Team, and she tells them one of her favorite dishes is cochinita pibil, and it just so happens that mousy little Lindsay Autry knows how to make that dish because she actually lived in Mexico for three years…

most of which she spent getting hammered

KIDDING, she went down there to help Michelle Bernstein open up a restaurant, and she says cochinita pibil is the first thing she fell in love with. After tequila, of course. Anyhow, the dish (in case you’re wondering) is pork roasted in banana leaves. Also, Blanca tells Team Tacky Pink that her grandmother makes cabbage leaves stuffed with mincemeat as well as consommé soup. And then she’s out the door to start getting her hair done…

not to mention taking final classes on how to pee while wearing one of these

Both Teams start their strategizing, and just so we know who went where, Team Diarrhea Green consists of TexAsian Paul, Ninja Eddie, LimpHawk Richie, Fag Hag Heather, Penis-Hair Chris, Cocky Chewy, Jobless Grayson and Bore-verly Kim. Team Tacky Pink has BlackBear Keith, Chris Scary, DaCody Diablo, Divot Diva Nyesha, Sarah Grueneberg, Mousy Li’l Lindsay, Whitney Otawka and Ty-Böre. Got that? Me either, there are still way too many people at this stage, it’s like watching American Idol in the first six weeks, nobody except the douchewaffles really stand out at this point.

In any case, the teams have finished their planning sessions and have split up to send half their groups to Whole Paycheck Market, and the other half to the Mexican Meat Market…

and no, this is not what I mean

Naturally, because this is Top Chef, the two halves of each team must be in communication with each other on some type of hand-held mobile product-placement device. And naturally, because this is a Mexican food challenge, Bore-verly is currently hounding LimpHawk to find her six jars of kimchi…

behold, the Koreanspiracy begins

Is anyone else starting to notice that Bore-verly seems to keep wanting to hammer the square challenges into her round Korean-food hole? That’s a dangerous game to play on this show, not everything can be a fusion dish. Especially if they wind up having a Polish food challenge.

In any case, Mousy Li’l Lindsay tells us the reason they’re using these mobile devices to communicate is because they didn’t have enough time in the kitchen to actually come up with a clear plan for everyone’s dishes. Also, they want to price check because they only have a total of $1500.00 for their food and Mousy wants to make a shrimp dish. Since the shrimp are cheaper at the Mexi-Market, she tells Divot Diva Nyesha, BlackBear Keith, Chris Scary and Ty-Böre to go ahead and buy them there… as long as they are of really good quality. But still cheap. Yeah, that’s kind of a mixed message she’s sending.

Right after this happens we hear BlackBear suddenly say that the shrimp they’re buying are going to be pre-cooked and frozen. I’m not sure if that’s why it was cheaper or what, but BlackBear tells us the other reason he’s going this route is because it will save time if the shrimp are already cooked. I’m kinda shocked that he’s even thinking about this considering the restaurant he owns is a seafood place, you would think he’d shy away from using a frozen pre-cooked product, but whatever, the really interesting part of all this is the fact that he totally tells Divot Diva, Ty-Böre and Chris Scary that he’s going to get pre-cooked shrimp, and this is their reaction…

could somebody please tell Ty-Böre to stop breaking the fourth wall?

Dude, seriously, Reality Show 101, don’t look at the fucking camera unless you’re in an interview. Or having your mug shot taken. In any case, they’re not the only ones doing some crazy shit, DaCody Diablo has decided she will take on the cake for Team Tacky Pink… I guess this is a smart move since she’s not a pastry chef and she plans to follow the recipe on a boxed cake (multiplied by 25 or so) and we all know that desserts are another black hammer on this show so her immunity will come in handy.

Hey does it say anywhere in “The Secret” that you’re supposed to act like a giant pushy asshole to people in order to make your dreams come true? Because for some reason, Bore-verly has started running around in front of the meat counter yelling at the top of her lungs that they need someone to help them now now now now NOW because this is very, very important, in fact, it’s the most important dish ever conceived, and she’s sorta sorry, she knows everyone else standing around waiting in line has stuff to do…

but I need to take cutsies!

Wow, what a bitch! I knew all that nicey-nicey shit wasn’t for real. Although she better be careful or she may find her daily affirmations have been vandalized…

órale, puta

Also getting ready to sip from the cup of ginger-FAIL is Ty-Böre, who is busily buying pre-made tortillas for everything that Team Tacky Pink will be making. Interestingly enough, he is on the mobile device talking to Mousy Li’l Lindsay about this decision, and she raises no objections. Even when he reminds her that store-bought = not homemade. Sorry, Blanca, but it’s starting to look like your special day might have been more special if you had just asked your folks to have it catered by the good folks at your local Baja Fresh.

Oh well, shopping is over, time to head back to the kitchen and start their three hour prep time. Hey, looks like Mousy Li’l Lindsay is going to go take a look at the shrimp they bought for the appetizer she’s planning to make! I hope they’re cheap but of really good quality (like she asked for)…

well, they got it half-right

Naturally she is shocked to see frozen pre-cooked shrimp. After a few cuss words from Mousy, Sarah Grueneberg jumps in and demands to know from Chris Scary why they bought this crap. Chris immediately blames BlackBear and says it was all Keith’s idea…

because Scary apparently has no short-term memory, other than for Padma-porn

Sarah immediately asks him why they didn’t stand up to BlackBear and tell him that wasn’t right. Scary lies again and claims that they “didn’t see it”, which is bullshit, because he told them what he was going to do. These idiots do realize that when the red light is on, it means the camera is recording what happens, right? In any case, Mousy says there is no way en infierno they can use this stuff, so now not only is it money wasted, it’s also several pounds of pre-cooked shrimp wasted, too. Yay for the environment! And world hunger!

Sarah Groanybooger (this name just came to me) seems especially offended by this turn of events, asking us why anyone would buy pre-cooked shrimp when it’s a cooking competition and the whole point is to cook the shrimp?…

how could they dooooo this, even though it has nothing to do with my dish?

It’s a little weird how heated she’s getting over this. Mousy Li’l Lindsay is grilling BlackBear now, and his defense is that nobody described what kind of dish she was making. Which kinda sucks as an excuse, because there’s no way this stuff would have been any better in one dish over another. BlackBear admits to us that his decision might have been “a little shaky” but feels that the other chefs should have stepped up and raised an objection when he brought it up. You know, instead of saying “Whatever, get it.” and then backpedaling. CHRIS SCARY, we’re looking at you.

So Mousy decides to axe her shrimp cocktail idea, but in doing that she realizes she no longer has a singular dish that she can take credit for, everything else she’s doing is partnered with other chefs. She is pissed off about this and starts doing what any typical non-professional chef would do…

she bitches to Groanybooger about it while they emasculate some corn

BlackBear has only normal human auditory powers, but strangely (since he’s only about 10 feet away) he can actually hear Mousy muttering about sabotage and stupidity and shitty shrimp and whatever other S-words come to mind, and now he’s feeling like it’s him against the team. That’s just great. Have none of these people ever seen Like Water For Chocolate? Your emotions come out in your food, especially when it’s Mexican…

this is what BlackBear’s enchiladas taste like right now

Things seem to be running far more smoothly over on Team Diarrhea Green, they’re a bunch of busy little burritos, and Cocky Chewy’s right there as their “resident Mexican” to micromanage oversee all their dishes and nitpick the fuck out of them ensure their authenticity.

Later on at Casa De Cheffo, the teams are attempting to have some more planning and strategizing, and sure enough, BlackBear Keith is now on the defensive with the rest of Team Tacky Pink, and things are getting twisty. An innocent conversation with Sarah GroanyBooger about pineapple-chunk-size (in which she actually agrees with his suggestion) turns into a diatribe from him about wanting more input from the rest of the chefs.

Oh well, it’s the next day and they’ve arrived at Aldaco’s Restaurant for their remaining 2½ hours of cooking time. Team Diarrhea Green jumps right in and seems to be skating towards an easy win. Team Tacky Pink, on the other hand, seems to be having more issues, Mousy Li’l Lindsay’s afraid that BlackBear is cutting the pieces of pork too thick. He’s agreeable to cutting it smaller, but it doesn’t help anything that Mousy has to run back to Sarah GroanyBooger to passive-aggressively bitch behind his back. BlackBear is doing a good job of holding his shit together, but…

perhaps now would be a good time to mention you were in prison?

The catty back-and-forth is not going unnoticed by the rest of the team, either. Oh well, let’s move on to something a little more fun…

like watching DaCody Diablo revel in her immunity

LOL, way to uphold the stereotype of the tasteless quinceañera, DaCody! And speaking of being stereotypical…

Ty-Böre is doing her part

What? I was talking about the rubber gloves! In any case, it’s time for the party to start, and Scar, Daddy Tom, Hughnibrow and Girlnandez have shown up just in time to see Blanca’s fabulous entrance…

pretty in puce

In all honestly, that dress is mighty pretty, and I’m betting all my drag-pageant friends were snapping their fingers in the air at their TV screens and shouting “Sick, SICK!” at the TV when they saw her. And yes, the stereotypical irony of that sentence is not lost on me. All right, let’s get to the food, starting with Ty-Böre’s oddly clunky appetizer…

happy birthday. suck on this.

I would have expected something a little more dainty and ladylike, and Miss Blanca is not so impressed, she says she couldn’t really taste the avocado. Daddy Tom says it’s very dry and Hughnibrow is all, “meh, it’s a hush puppy, whaddaya want?”…

mini-me Blanca wants something that tastes better than this crap

Well, maybe LimpHawk Richie can do better for Team Diarrhea Green…

by serving pork rinds and pig

Well, the chicharrónes sound crispy enough, but Miss Blanca says they should have been even crispier, the carnitas made the middle soggy. Daddy Tom is clearly impressed and says Blanca is good at this. I would have to agree, Señorita Cosa has picked up on how to be hypercritical and overly judgmental in no time at all…

perhaps this would have been crispy enough for Her Highness?

KIDDING, I know they asked her to poke holes in the food… but I also want to point out that they immediately cut to one of the older female guests remarking to Blanca’s mother that the chicharrón is “authentic and delicious”. OK, it’s time to try BlackBear Keith and Mousy Li’l Lindsay’s concoction…

mmmm, tastes like dysfunction

Scar says the pork is nice, but one bite made her “drag the whole piece of meat in her mouth”…

yeah, Hughnibrow’s not touching that one, either

Girlnandez snots that they are still having issues with execution and struggling with presentation. Agreed, but then again, it’s not like the majority of these chefs have spent their lives making Mexican food on a daily basis, so maybe he could cut them a tiny bit of slack?…

bet you suck at making Peking Duck

Time to try TexAsian Paul’s appetizer…

which is shockingly Asian-influenced again

Man, both he and Bore-verly seem to be working that angle for all it’s worth. Did it work? Well, Daddy Tom sure seems to think so, he says he liked it best out of all the appetizers they’ve had so far…

not sure Blanca agrees

Back over on Team Diarrhea Green, this is happening…

this is why I love mass-produced Mexican food

I’ve always been the “no beans, extra rice” kind of guy anyhow. Well, now that the appedizasters are over with, it’s time to hit the buffet line, and the Judges start out with Team Tacky Pink, and the Divot Diva Nyesha…

congratulations, now you need plates with divisions

How else are you going to keep popcorn from going everywhere? In any case, this is followed by Chris Scary’s blameless dish…

and yes, I will admit, I thought it was supposed to be chocolate chili corn

Naturally, this is right before BlackBear’s dish, WHICH IS CLEARLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL FAILURES THIS EVENING…

los enchiladas del diablo!

As they reach Sarah GroanyBooger’s taco station, Scar asks if they’ve made these tortillas they are passing out. She admits they are store bought, and now Girlnandez looks like he’s having gas pains. Too late now, it’s time for them to try Ty-Böre’s real food…

happy birthday. make your own damned taco.

I think Ty-Böre is jealous of Blanca’s pretty party, and he’s taking it out on her with his food. Anyhow, bringing this poo-fest to a close is Mousy Li’l Lindsay and Sarah GroanyBooger’s proudest accomplishment (unsullied by BlackBear’s ham-fisted hands), the cochinita pibil…

let’s hope it’s not quite as passive-aggressive in your intestinal tract

OK, you know how I said earlier that I liked the word “enchilada” because it sounded like a pretty lady with dangly earrings? Well “cochinita pibil” sounds like her fat angry bepimpled sister who hates everybody and farts a lot. And has skidmarky undies. No me gusta-ey.

So the Judges start with Divot Diva’s dish. Daddy Tom likes the flavor, but finds the texture mealy, and Hughnibrow agrees. As for BlackBear, they are not liking the fact that he used a flour tortilla in his enchilada, Hughnibrow and Girlnandez think it should be corn, saying flour tortillas will just get doughy once they absorb all the sauce. Daddy Tom sticks up for the flavor of BlackBear’s filling, he thinks it’s well done, but Hughnibrow jumps all over that, and snots “Like it or not, Keith’s made a burrito…”

like it or not, you’re making ass-kissy-face

Ok, Hughnibrow is officially starting to lose some of his charm with me, cuz that was just dickish. The debate will rage for years, I’m sure, but it would seem that many people in various regions and of various latin ethnicities have chimed in to say they have used flour tortillas for enchiladas before, it’s not exactly an executable offense.

As for Mousy and GroanyBoogers’ cochinita pibil, Girlnandez says it’s falling apart and he’s not sure what cut of meat they used but it needs work. Daddy Tom is more pissed about the fact that they didn’t make their own tortillas. OK, I have no clue here, can any of you guys help me out? What would it have taken for them to have made their own tortillas within a total of, like six hours of work time? Could it be done? Or is this just an impossible feat along the lines of making their own puff pastry dough?

They move on to Ty-Böre’s carne asada, Scar likes it and thinks it’s yummy, and Daddy Tom agrees. But wait, didn’t he also serve them with the dreaded store-bought tortillas???!?!?!??!? Why is that only an issue with BlackBear, Mousy and GroanyBoogers’ dishes and not with Ty-Böre’s? My head hurts. Especially when I hear Scar say har favorite dish on the entire line was Chris Scary’s corn salsa. Little does she know…

that Scary just got a stiffy

Time to try Team Diarrhea Green’s food, starting with Ninja Eddie’s dish…

eh, fits in with the team name

Ninja Eddie also made a random chicharrón with some dried plantain…

on a stick

Next, we find out that Penis-Hair had enough time to make pierogies…

which is impressive… if he didn’t use store-bought empanada skiiiiins!!!

He’s followed by Cocky Chewy and his slam-dunk authentic dish…

this is great, but I can’t wait for him to have to do some Chechnyan or Zimbabwean food

Hey, you know who did do Asian food?…

‘Nuff said, let’s check out Jobless Grayson’s dish…

at least it’s served on a corn tortilla

Scar asks if they made the tortillas, and Jobless says no, and asks if Team Tacky Pink did. Daddy Tom looks pained to have to say nope. Grayson apologizes for all of them, which is always nice to hear after someone has handed you a plate of food.

Back at their table, Daddy Tom likes Penis-Hair’s empanadas, they’re highly-seasoned, the dough is flaky and light…

too bad no one can explain the sunglasses on his head or that doink of hair in back

Hughnibrow likes Ninja Eddie’s gazpacho, it has good flavor, but the point of the random chicharrón was lost on him. I’m betting the same was true with Ninja Eddie himself. Maybe it gives you stealth powers. Daddy Tom is thoroughly enjoying Cocky Chewy’s goat dish, but the stuffed cabbage leaves he put out on the side are not a hit, even with Blanca and her folks. As for Bore-verly, Girlnandez thinks she did a great job with tenderizing her meat, and he likes that they griddled the tortillas a bit. Daddy Tom is not liking Jobless Grayson’s chicken, though, the chicken is mushy and has too much cinnamon. Girlnandez says mole takes a practiced hand, which Jobless just doesn’t have yet. Blanca also tells her mom the cinna-chik’n was the only thing she didn’t like.

Dear. God. Look. At. DaCody. Diablo’s. Finished. Cake-. Uh.

now with even more nuclear icing

DaCody insists that she really listened to what Blanca was asking for, she gave her the bright colors and the fruits she wanted. DaCody might have also done well to remember that Blanca is only fifteen and maybe hasn’t quite developed a mature level of taste just yet. Fag Hag Heather has done a much better job with her tres leches, and it actually kinda resembles Blanca’s pretty dress…

if Blanca was still in it and sneaking some tequila

Apparently the kitchen was super-hot and it’s causing the cake to get a little melty (even with wooden dowels on the inside). DaCody snots that it looks like an Easter Basket gone bad…

she’s just mad the judges can’t take their eyes off of it

After blowing out candles, it’s time for Blanca to try the two cakes…

this is more Chris than Betty Crocker

Miss Blanca likes the pineapple filling, but she thinks there is way too much frosting. ¡Órale! Then she tries Fag Hag Heather’s vanilla tres leches easter basket…

which, leaning or not, is far less eye-searing

After having some, she rather sheepishly admits she likes it better than Team Tacky Pink’s cake, it isn’t as sickly sweet but still included the fruit she wanted.

Well, there’s nothing left to do but pack up the leftovers and let everybody else dance! Watching Blanca’s father share a dance with her appears to be causing Bore-verly to show us a brand new flavor from her Personal Pantry Of Crazy™. She says it made her wish she could still make her dad proud that she was born a daughter and not a son, and that’s making her feel weepy…

or maybe she looked at Team Tacky Pink’s cake for too long

WTF? Suck it up, Bore, this isn’t about you and your daddy-issues. Besides, what happened to I CAN I MUST I WILL and all your other stupid motivational crap??…

isn’t “The Secret” supposed to work better than this?

After a short deliberation, the Judges deliver the news… so which team won???

not this one

Yup, Team Diarrhea Green won hands down as both the judges and Blanca’s choice. BlackBear Keith is insisting that the people loved their food, but he admits to us he’s nervous about going to Judges’ Table because he foresees some under-bus-throwing over the frozen-pre-cooked-shrimp…

his psychic powers are scarily accurate

In tonight’s Stew Room Vignette, this happened…

pretending to have a seizure will not get you out of going to Judges’ Table, Ty-Böre

In rehashing what went wrong with the night’s service, Ty-Böre says it’s great that they were still able to produce food and get it out on time even though they had “a lot of different variables” to deal with. And sure enough, GroanyBooger replies “Except the shrimp cocktail”. Then Mousy Li’l Lindsay speaks up and effectively starts the bus a-revvin’…

if by “harder” she means “bitchier” then the answer is Mousy & GroanyBooger

Divot Diva Nyesha is quick to disagree that anyone worked “harder”, and BlackBear isn’t fooled, either, he lets the two ladies know right away he knows they’re trying to put it all on him, but everybody agreed what they were doing, and everybody executed their own dishes. GroanyBooger still can’t let go of the shrimp, though.

Then Scar shows up and asks to see Ty-Böre, GroanyBooger, Mousy and BlackBear. Everyone else breathes an audible sigh of relief as they file out…

let the petty games begin

Before they start Daddy Tom says they did a generally good job, but Team Diarrhea Green did better. Scar also mentions that the other team’s cake was better, too, and it’s only because of DaCody Diablo’s immunity that she’s not standing there as well. So what went wrong? GroanyBooger says they didn’t use their 30 minutes of planning wisely, and Mousy says they never picked a group leader. Hughnibrow is incredulous that between eight chefs they couldn’t figure out how to get someone to lead when they’re all used to leading several other chefs every single day…

of course, it’s a little easier to follow someone out of sheer fascination when they have a bouncing hairy seagull on their face

And GroanyBooger just won’t shut up, she claims there “really wasn’t a menu”, and she starts listing off the dishes that the various chefs were planning to make, including Mousy Li’l Lindsay’s aborted shrimp cocktail. Naturally Daddy Tom seizes onto this little unknown tidbit and says “Shrimp cocktail?… I don’t remember seeing that.”…

being psychic on Top Chef sucks

Sorry, but that was a total dickbitch move on Sarah GroanyBooger’s part. It wasn’t even her shrimp dish, there was no need to tattle. But she’s sure tattling now, allll about the pre-cooked shrimp that somebody (who’s a tall black man with a super bushy beard and a possible prison past) bought. Hughnibrow demands to know who she’s talking about, and BlackBear admits he’s the one who bought it. He says he was considering price and labor, and he made the decision under pressure. Daddy Tom wants to know if he was alone when he decided this, and BlackBear is more than happy to say he had a “team” with him. And yes, you can hear the air-quotes in his voice. Hughnibrow says he feels for BlackBear, “but if you had brought back pre-cooked shrimp to me, and I was in their position, I’d be yellin’ at ya, too!”…

and then this is what I would look like after you punched me silly

Also annoying is watching GroanyBooger rolling her eyes at BlackBear’s (truthful) version of how things went down, and I swear I can hear the thought-loop running through her head…

no matter what it’s still his fault no matter what it’s still his fault no matter what it’s still his fault

So Daddy wants to know what Mousy Li’l Lindsay did in place of her defunct shrimp cocktail. Well, that’s where Ty-Böre jumped in to save the day with his big dry-ass testicle-like fritters. Girlnandez says that having a fritter at a Mexican quinceañera didn’t sit right to begin with, and it lacked flavor. Ty-Böre whines that he came up with it in only 30 minutes because the other dish didn’t work owwwwwt. Quick as a whip, Daddy Tom fires back: “Certainly that’s not the reason it was dry!”…

is it too late for me to find a way to also blame BlackBear?

In the end he admits it was “a cooking failure” on his part. And speaking of cooking failures, after Mousy and GroanyBooger talk about how much work they did on their cochinita pibil, Hughnibrow says the biggest thing that went wrong there was the awful store-bought tortillas. And speaking of crappy tortillas, BlackBear says in his region he’s never had an enchilada with a corn tortilla, it’s always been flour, so that’s why he used them. Girlnandez says the corn tortilla would have set off the other parts of the dish so much more nicely. Then GroanyBooger has to pipe up again to say she grew up in Texas and has never had, or even ever thought to make an enchilada with a flour tortilla.
Thanks for volunteering that. Now Scar wants to know (since this was a “team” challenge) why she never spoke up and said anything to BlackBear about how Texans never use anything but corn tortillas in enchilada making. Sarah GroanyBooger stammers that she’s not here to make friends to boss everyone around and tell them that their dishes suck… “I don’t wanna be that person!”…

except when it’s at Judges’ Table where she tattles like a fourth-grader and tries to fuck everybody else over

BlackBear says that if she had an opinion, she should have said something, “You love drivin’ the bus… and hittin‘ people!” Daddy Tom clarifies that no one ever suggested to BlackBear that he use a corn tortilla, and he agrees, reminding the Judges once again that this was supposed to be a TEAM CHALLENGE. GroanyBooger whines that during the prep time BlackBear wasn’t talking to anybody. Of course, that could have been because GroanyBooger and Mousy were too busy saying what a terrible dumbass he was, but she forgets to mention that part…

oh Christ, it’s like Season Seven all over again

With that they are dismissed back to the Stew Room, and waste no time in letting DaCody Diablo know that her immunity saved her from getting verbally buttfucked with the rest of them over her crappy cake. Her reaction is rather odd…

perhaps somebody likes to take it in the butt?

Well, the chef that’s stuck in the awful position of being “First Chef Out In A New Season” is…

never going to eat another flour tortilla in his entire life

It kinda sucks that the first person up to hug him after BlackBear announces he’s leaving is Chris Scary, whom I think is the real culprit here. Pretty people are slippery, y’all. I have to say, Keith is mighty cool, he even hugs the winning members of the Losers’ Club…

and restrains himself from crushing them all into a human enchilada

But wait, it’s not over just yet, we still have Last Chance Kitchen with BaldBear Andrew!…

‘member me?

Yes, after finding a letter stuffed inside his suitcase from Daddy Tom (that’s a little scary to know PA’s are digging around in your personal belongings) inviting him to grab his knives and meet up in the kitchen where Daddy Tom tells them they are doing a mise en place challange, meaning they have six ingrediences each on their table, they’ve got ten minutes to prepare as many of them as possible. After ten minutes they have to make a dish using all six ingrediences. And GO!

The first thing I notice that’s different from the usual mise en place races done on this show is that the two of them are moving in quite a leisurely fashion. The second thing I notice is BaldBear telling us he’s well aware that BlackBear is a seafood chef, and that one of the ingrediences is clams…

thankfully they are not of the bearded variety

In the end, BlackBear decided to do his clams two ways, both hot and cold, while BaldBear stuck with one dish, reasoning that doing two preparations and screwing up one will often get you sent home. Here’s champion BaldBear’s dish…

Versus BlackBear’s dish…

no fair, he’s trying to liquor Daddy up!

Daddy likes the mediterranean flavors that BaldBear put forth in his dish, there was nothing bad about it. But he felt BlackBear’s dish was a little more subtle, both preparations were spot on, so he wins! Poor BaldBear Andrew, this is the third time he’s lost this season! And, as a special kick to the nuts, he has to turn over his hard-won chef’s coat to BlackBear…

pit stains and all

So, Keith is still hanging on in Redemption Kitchen, which means Mousy and GroanyBooger may have to come face to face with him again in the future. If we’re lucky.

So what did you think of this episode? Do you feel like BlackBear Keith got a raw deal at the hands of the other chefs? Or do you think he was rightfully sent packing? Which side do you favor, flour or corn tortillas? Me, I’m a flour tortilla guy all the way, never have cared for the texture of the corn ones, even in enchiladas. Are you still wondering who in the hell Whitney is? And what in the hell is up with Bore-verly?…

next week she finds out her mom hates her, too

Thanks again as always for sticking with me through the pages and pages of pictures, I hope everybody has a great Thanksgiving, and I’ll be back again in a couple of days with a minicap of next week’s episode.

OH, and I know I promised some more kitty porn, but the kids were not quite in the mood for it tonight…

we have Chunky playing dead

and Chica is just annoyed

I will try for some better shots later on. Take care and have a happy Turkey Day!

love, J-Mo

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