Top Chef Recap: Wipeout At Whistler

Good evening boys and girls. Would any of you like to hear a story? Good, because I love to tell them. Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Kekikula who lived in a magical underwater kingdom called Otisville, where she ate Zagnuts and played Canasta with her dog Jezebel, who was psychic and always beat her. Now it came to pass that Jezebel fell in love with a boneless chicken breast via Vulcan Mindmeld™ and one day they were astral projecting out beyond Neptune’s sixth moon when Nancy Sinatra boot-scooted by them while playing the bongos in her purple underwear and singing songs dedicated to the mathematical equation 3 x 2 = 6. This made the spirit guides Ronda and Juanita very angry indeed (they suck at math, but are really good at geometry, go figure) and they vowed to take revenge on the philodendrons of the universe by playing SpongeBob SquarePants episodes backwards at half speed, but the sadness of it all became too much for them and they collapsed with lust at the foot of a statue of a fat mailman in a miniskirt riding a blue whale around a toilet bowl. He had nice legs, but they were covered in ATM fees and so he prayed to Kekikula that he be given a special sex-change with low, low financing and no payments until someone invents a better-tasting black version of Wite-Out…

and that is how you wound up on your back looking like a dazed snot-blob in the snow

Kind of hard to follow the story, ain’t it? Especially when the focus of everything keeps changing… and makes almost no sense in the first place. Welcome to Top Chef Vancouver! What’s that you say? Why have we suddenly left Texas (and America altogether) for the (Semi)Finals of this season of Top Chef Texas? I have no fucking clue. But for the rest of this recap, we’re all going to have to abandon logic and pretend that what we’re seeing makes any kind of narrative sense and resist the temptation to scream out “RANDOM BULLSHIT” at various moments. Seriously, resist screaming, or your boyfriend might get annoyed and start launching couch cushions at your head. Let’s get it started, eh? Oh, and just so you guys are aware…

this is where I got all of my limited knowledge of Canadian culture

But first, remember when we were still in Texas?…

and GroanyBooger was a bitch?

because her skinnier, prettier (and therefore far more evil) nemesis returned?

and we didn’t care because we were so relieved we’d never have to see this again?

Well, it is now an unknown length of time later, and GroanyBooger is sloshing her way through a rainy parking lot at the Vancouver airport. She is telling us that the biggest differences between the GroanyBooger who bitched and moaned and bullied her way through Texas, and the current GroanyBooger is…

she has longer hair, keeps her gums covered and talks about herself in the third person
(J-Mo hates that)

KIDDING, she says that she’s been shown footage of her awful behavior had time to learn about herself, and now her goal is to “stay calm… and be a really nice person!” Well, that’s easy so far, because Mousy Lindsay has shown up, and here comes TexAsian Paul. Mousy tells us (in a strangely tired voice) that the three of them share a “special bond” because they’ve been in the competition together since Day One. That’s very convenient, because it totally sets things up for…

the Annoying Outsider Underdog Storyline™!

Yes, Bore-verly is back and sharing an awkward hug with Mousy and GroanyBooger (TexAsian’s hug for her seems a little more warm and genuine) while Mousy tells us how weird it is seeing her because their personalities clash. And by “clash” she really means “we like being cliquish Mean Girls because she once cut me off on the way to the meat counter at Whole Paycheck Market”.

Anyhow, just in case we didn’t notice that they were standing next to a very stylish minivan, GroanyBooger says “Cloyota time!” (yes, that’s what she actually says, totally of her own Accord… and see what I just did there? Fuuuuck, now Honda owes me some $$$) and they start loading their bags into the extra-roomy back of it. TexAsian starts telling us how fortunate he feels to be here, in this cold wet rainy parking lot, and says it is all because of this paternal great-grandfather who fled to the Philippines from China to start a new life…

and to get away from the terrible Chinese version of Olan Mills

In any case, TexAsian says that’s part of the reason why he wants to win Top Chef, to make his family proud after they’ve made so many sacrifices. You will notice that he did not point to the sky, well up with fake tears or start dry-sobbing effusively in honor of his possibly passed-away paternal grandfather. Can we just give the title to this kid now, please?

Inside the van, they find some She-Mail! It is from Scar and tells them to drive to Whistler and meet her and Daddy Tom at the top of the mountain. Yay! I love going on road trips up twisty mountain roads in icy, dangerous conditions! On the way, Mousy is obliquely apologizing to everyone (Bore) for being such a mega-cooze in Texas, saying how stressful it all was, and that looking back on it now she gets upset with herself over how upset she got over “certain situations”…

all of which oddly involved you

Speaking of Bore, TexAsian suddenly asks her what Redemption Kitchen was like. Huh? I thought they already went over that back at Casa Del Cheffo six weeks/months/years ago! Remember when they were sitting around the dinner table and Ninja Eddie was mopeysnarling about how the four of them had thought they were in the Finals until Bore showed up?…

and she gave him her best Kim Jong-Il glare?

So, i don’t know why TexAsian brought it up again (or why they felt it necessary to not-so-subtly subtitle his asking the question, TexAsian’s young dude accent is not hard to understand) but I suspect it has a lot to do with something that rhymes with Tragical Shelves. In any event, Bore says Redemption Kitchen was awesome and intense and she really felt tha– “Look at these trees!” interrupts GroanyBooger in the rudest possible manner…

girl, I know, RANDOM BULLSHIT

I have to be honest here, this whole scene feels so scripted and staged, (especially when they intercut a shot of Mousy laughing, ostensibly at the fact that her buddy GroanyBooger is being super-bitchy to Bore, except the lighting is obviously different, which makes me think it’s a giggle from another time and has nothing to do with the verbal exchange that just took place). I just do not believe that GroanyBooger could have been so blithely unaware that her cutting off Bore’s reply to TexAsian’s question would be taken as nasty or rude, especially on the heels of her so-called Declaration of Niceness™ (which could have been filmed weeks after all of this took place, who the fuck knows any more). I just know that it feels wrong, and I don’t like being fucked with like this.

BUT, let’s play along anyhow, and pretend that the MousyBooger Vs. Bore-verly storyline needed embellishing. Bore says that Mousy and GroanyBooger have never respected her as a chef, but she feels that her performance on Redemption Kitchen proved that she has everything it takes to be Top Chef. Oh, she doesn’t know half the things she’s going to need by the time this episode is over with…

RANDOM BULLSHIT FORESHADOWING

The chefs arrive at Whistler Mountain and board a gondola for the top. GroanyBooger guesses they will have to ski down the mountain and pick up ingrediences on the way to make a dish at the bottom. Says the lady who barely had the breath and dexterity to ride a bicycle around downtown San Antonio. In any case, TexAsian mentions at this point that he suffers somewhat from motion sickness and wants to sit down…

dunno why GroanyBooger looks so concerned, that parka is already puke-green

TexAsian says everything is different here, and he’s glad to no longer be in 115-degree weather… but he’s also not real happy with being thrust into 5-degree weather, either…

look how much Daddy Tom and Scar are loving it

Once the gale-force winds die down, Scar shoutwelcomes them to British Columbia. Daddy Tom brings up the fact that Whistler was the venue for the Winter Olympic Games (two years ago) and Scar chimes in that they are now going to have their very own “Culinary Games”, which sounds lame, but I guess “Culympics” would have been worse, so there you go. Anyhow, Scar says there will be three “events”, the winner of each event will get $10,000.00! And the First Event is for them to each cook a dish while swinging around in an unstable tramway gondola several thousand feet above sea level…

why can’t this show ever be sponsored by Dramamine?

You’d think they would since it has “drama” in the brand name. TexAsian is feeling crappy already and says the thought of having to cook while swingin’ and swayin’ (and records playin’) is giving him the wingywillies already, and it doesn’t help when Scar gleefully trumpets that this particular peak-to-peak tramway is the fastest “unsupported” span in the world. What’s more, when their gondola reaches the other peak, they will have to get out and pick a new ingredience, which they will then have to incorporate into their dish. Their total cooking time is going to be 22 minutes. Aaaaand get ready… set…

shit your pants

It just happens that TexAsian gets to hop into the first gondola, and the stuff he’s saying (he’s out of his element, nervous, needs to get out of his fearful headspace) has all the definitive characteristics of what I like to call BlazeHawk Blowzit Syndrome™. This is what happens when one of the stronger competitors of the season goes into the Finals and proceeds to fuck it all up after dominating in most of the other competitions… it happened to BlazeHawk in Season 4 first, and almost every season after (Season 5 – Stefan, Season 6 – DirtyBear Kevin, Season 7 – OranJello). I really hope that’s not what’s going to happen to TexAsian, too… he appears to be pushing through it with some kind of semi-Buddhist chanting…

dontpukeinyourcookingpandontpukeinyourcookingpandontpukeinyourcookingpan

He’s decided to give lamb chops a shot, which could be weird, things don’t always cook the same way at 7,000 feet like they do at sea level. GroanyBooger has boarded the next gondola, and says that the large variety of choices is making it difficult for her to decide exactly what direction she wants to go in. She grabs some salmon and starts cutting it, but gives up and throws it away after realizing that there are scales on it that she’d have to clean off…

sorry Nemo, looks like you died for nothing

She’s also whining about how cold it is, and that she can’t open any of the bottles, and why do fish even have scales, anyhow. She seems to be kinda losing her shit. Aww, that’s too bad. Kinda.

Bore-verly grabs the next swingy little car, and instead of being freaked out by all the choices (or, I should say, instead of being more freaked out than usual) she quickly decides that she’s going to make a tartare, and so she swiftly reaches to open her knife-case… and causes her own setback when she opens it upside-down, creating a huge clatter of clanging cutlery…

remember that old racist elementary school joke we used to tell
about how this was the way Asian people came up with names for their kids?

I’m not repeating it if you don’t already know. Anyhow, Bore is also noting the chilliness of the gondola, which gives her the idea to do a cold dish. She’s still cooking some things on the induction burners they have been provided, but she’s also cutting up some raw fish as well.

Miss Mousy Lindsay gingerly enters the next elevated ice-box and immediately finds her balance being tested. She has smartly picked up on the factor of the 7,000 foot elevation, mentioning that water boils faster this high up, but that still doesn’t mean things cook with the same speed as they do down below. She also says the induction burners are all tipped at different angles to each other, and everything is moving with the swaying of the car, making the actual cooking process very difficult…

but on the plus side, Mousy’s finally found a backdrop that makes her look less pasty

Meanwhile, TexAsian’s car has hit the half-way point at Blackcomb Mountain, and he’s hopped out and run over to the table that contains all the extra ingrediences, of which he has to pick one… the problem is, all of the ingrediences are inside heavy-lidded jars, so he can’t see what they are at a glance, he has to open everything to find out what’s inside. Really? Because the whole Cooking-Inside-A-Chilled-Sardine-Can thing wasn’t already hard enough?…

RANDOM BULLSHIT

As his gondola continues to move behind him, TexAsian finally grabs some wasabi paste that he feels will give some good burning heat to his lamb, which he’s noticing is not cooking or caramelizing the way he wants it to, so he winds up cutting the loin off the bone rack and then cutting it in half so it will cook faster. He seems pretty flustered again.

Now GroanyBooger has arrived at the halfway point, and she proceeds to open up every single jar. After carefully considering all that she found, she decides to choose an ingredience…

that will help the Judges get rid of her dish as fast as they can eat it

She’s planning on deglazing the chorizo she’s using with the prune juice and it will add sweetness to her dish. Sounds like a winner to me, especially when you factor in the obvious benefit of promoting pooping.

Bore-verly’s turn at bat, and she pretty quickly grabs hold of a jar of horseradish, saying it is a perfect choice to help enhance her tartare, her sauce is already using white anchovies, so this will add an extra spicy dimension to the flavor. She also mentions she is afraid of heights so she’s not taking in any of the scenery around her.

Now Mousy has reached the table of crap, and is hoping in vain for some kind of produce item to be available… but none of the things that have been laid out are complementary to the dish she has already started…

the fuck am I gonna make with Jujyfruits?

So she also grabs the horseradish sauce. She’s trying to turn it into some kind of vinaigrette, and hopes the strong flavor of it doesn’t overpower the rest of her dish. She’s also trying to keep her pans from sliding off the slick surfaces of the induction burners.

TexAsian’s car is swiftly speeding back towards the Whistler Mountain station, and although he’s finished plating his dish, he knows that it isn’t right, it’s not how he wants it at all… but here’s where he cements my love for him: “It’s not the gondola’s fault, it’s not my motion sickness’ fault, it’s just my fault for not executing…”

why would I blame someone something else for my own failures?

Please. Give him the title now. And let’s go to commercial…

finally, someone found a way that fat guys like me can get out of speeding tickets

I just need to get pulled over by a chubby-chaser cop. Back with the show, TexAsian has found the restaurant where the Judges are waiting, and this week they include Gail Simmons, as well as a professional… snowboarder??!?…

sorry lady, but you are a RANDOM BULLSHIT judge

Being a snowboarder qualifies you to judge food how? Plus, she’s only a silver medalist with the Olympics (all of her gold medals are from the X Games, which is not the same thing). I guess the Magical Elves’ budget wasn’t big enough to snag an actual gold medalist, which just sucks. Also, that ridiculous cap makes her head look like a penis. Never mind me, I’m sure it takes tons of drive to win any kind of medal in the Olympics, I’m just annoyed with the irrelevancy of all of this. In any case, after making introductions, TexAsian presents his wasabi-addled dish…

which still manages to look better than anything I’ve ever made

We immediately cut to GroanyBooger, who is now complaining about how difficult it is to gauge her time while in the gondola because there’s no clock…

here’s a hint: when you see this building getting bigger and bigger,
it’s time to put your food on a plate

At the last minute, Groany is throwing together a sauce with chopped up pancetta and crème fraiche and scurries down to the restaurant to present her Prune-Juice Surprise™…

as in: Surprise, I Threw Together Some Leftovers From Grandma’s Fridge!

Bore-verly’s finishing off her tartare, and knows that it’s a risk to be serving a cold dish like this, so she winds up deep frying some capers in order to add an extra layer of complexity that she hopes will win the challenge for her. She has amazed herself and says she would totally serve this horsera-dish in her restaurant…

and charging $39.95 for it, prolly

Miss Mousy has been able to correctly gauge (by the slowly looming building in front of her) that she needs to finish plating… but at the last minute realizes she didn’t really cook enough salmon. What to do?! According to her, she decides to hack the existing filets in half, bemoaning the fact that she’s about to step out of this gondola and be “eliminated”. Which, a) is not true, she would just have to compete in Events 2 and 3, and b) the footage doesn’t bear this out at all, at least not in the order that they showed it. See my diagram below…

17:19 – shown square filets
17:22 – shown removing square filets from pan (towards plates)
17:26 – shown hacking square filets into rectangles
17:28 – shown plating square filets on three plates
17:29 – viewers showered with RANDOM BULLSHIT

Also not making sense? Why is she putting food on three plates???…

when she only covers and serves two? RANDOM BULLSHIT

This is infuriating! Since when is there a set amount of food that must be served? Bore’s dish looked like it was barely the size of a can of Fancy Feast, and Mousy’s dish, even with her so-called “halved filets” is still more food…

and now suddenly appears to be rectangular again

I refuse to believe this story, and you’ll see why in a minute. Scar asks Daddy Tom what he thought of TexAsian’s dish. Daddy says the combination of ingrediences gave it good flavor, but the meat was underseasoned, and Gail chimes in that it was unevenly cooked, but she loved his mushrooms. Random Bullshit Olympian™ says some stuff, but I’m not recapping it. Daddy continues that he thought it was a nice dish “all things considered”. Which means “you’re competing again”.

Next is GroanyBooger, and Daddy Tom says he wishes he could have tasted more of the prune in her creation, but it’s still a nice dish. Scar says the gooseberry gave it nice acid and is “the key” to the whole dish. Then, Scar asks Nancy Kerrigan-wannabee sitting next to her what she thought of Bore making a cold dish, and Nancy clutches her knee and wails “Whyyyyy meeeee?” Then she says she wasn’t expecting a cold dish. Did you guys get it yet, that Bore-verly served them a cold dish?…

and there’s Miss Nicey-Nice-Booger grinning nicely over Bore being nicely reamed for doing a cold dish

Daddy Tom continues that a good tartare should be ice-cold, so she’s nailed it there (with the help of Canada) and that the flavors are great, there’s enough acid, and adding the horseradish “made the dish”. Gail also praises her knife skills, especially having achieved them in a wobbly gondola.

Lastly, reviewing Miss Mousy and her Magical Shape-Changing Salmon™, Daddy Tom loves the combination of the fish and sausage, and says that the squircangle of salmon is perfectly cooked, and given the terribly difficult conditions, he doesn’t know how she could have possibly cooked it any better. Nancy-Wannabee says Tonya Harding is a white trash bitch and she can’t believe that ho has a successful gig giving commentary on funny videos over at World’s Dumbest on TruTV.

The Judges are writing their rankings on little scorecards and giving them to Scar, who tells the chefs that the winner not only gets $10K, they also win an automatic spot in the Final Round next episode and won’t have to cook any more! This means that Mousy gets to tell us how nervous she is, and talk about her “gut-wrenching feeling” that she “didn’t do enough”. Do you guys see where this is headed? I mean if you ignore the last thing I wrote about Tonya Harding?…

how am I ever gonna succeed with so much stacked against me?

Daddy Tom says all four of the dishes were really well thought out, but… Scar says TexAsian came in last place, GroanyBooger took third (HA!), and Bore took second, so Mousy wins Event One…

and yet somehow can’t manage to look surprised or even excited

I’m sure Michelle Bernstein is pleased after Mousy’s poor-as-shit showing last week. Bore looks like she’s about to cry. But there’s no time for that, because there’s another hotel that paid good money to be advertised during the episode, so it’s time to go look at a hotel room and listen to the chefs have multiple messy orgasms over their decor…

thank gawd the fireplace has special panty-drying racks in front of it, how luxurious!

Bore mentions the fact that her restaurant Aria is housed in the same hotel chain as they are staying in, and wonders if that is a good sign for her. Only if the Magical Elves make it so.

Later on, GroanyBooger and TexAsian just happen to be chatting privately in one of the bedroom suites (I can’t tell if this is post-coital or not, but TexAsian still has his socks on, so I assume it isn’t) and she’s freaking out over how haaard that challenge was. Then, because we haven’t been beat over the head with it enough, BoogerWoman brings up Redemption Kitchen™ (again!) and says they’re all aware of how tough Bore is after winning that…

or, I assume so, I’m not really sure, I got distracted by some really pretty trees

TexAsian says Bore comes out of nowhere and that no one should underestimate her. Groany claims she doesn’t, and interviews to us that Bore, having already been eliminated once, has “nothing to lose at this point”. That is the stupidest thing I’ve heard this entire episode. Of course Bore has something to lose, the same thing that everyone else can lose, and she could actually lose it twice, which I think would be even worse. BoogerWoman goes on to say that Bore is a “silent horse” (??!?) and claims that she “wants to be meek and timid, and people don’t see her… and then she likes to attack like a tiger!”…

but I mean all of that in a totally nice way

Can any of you recall a time when Bore attacked anything other than a meat counter and some fish scales? Me either. Oh well, it’s the next day and as Bore, Groany and TexAsian make their way to Whistler Olympic Park, they come upon a huge ice sculpture of the Top Chef logo. Scar, Gail and Daddy Tom are there, and introduce them to today’s RANDOM BULLSHIT judge…

guess the American gold medalists all have actual endorsement deals

Anyhow, Jon Michael Montgomery here competes in “skeleton” which Scar says involves ice-racing on a sled head-first at 90 miles an hour. That sounds impressive, but what in the blue fuck does it have to do with cooking? Well, for one thing, that doesn’t matter, they’re filming this in fucking Canada, so I’m sure part of the deal is they damned well better highlight some Canadian sports heroes. For another thing, skeleton racing has to do with being on ice, and there’s snow all around them, so now the chefs will have to deal with some ice, too… and they peel back some sheets to reveal their pantry for this challenge…

oooh, someone turned the Frigidaire dial up to 10

Yes, all of their ingrediences are frozen deep inside blocks of ice, and Bore murmurs “How do you get it out?“…

*sigh* …do you have to ask?

They’re only going to have an hour to unlock their ingrediences and thaw them in time to make a dish. Then Daddy Tom tells everybody that when fresh ingrediences aren’t available “flash-frozen is the next best thing… at the end of the day, you just have to make tasty food.”…

hope someone remembers that and throws it in his face the next time they can only get frozen scallops or shrimp

And after Jon Michael Montgomery shows off his gold medal, their time starts. All three of them sprint for their ice picks, which are located at their work stations behind the ice display. Bore spotted some crab legs and tries her darnedest to snag them, but TexAsian is way too fast for her…

and Bore nearly Tramells him

Bore says some of the ingrediences are frozen so deep she can’t even tell what they are, and all three of them are madly hacking away. TexAsian has some success because he is able to pick some of the blocks up and throw them to the ground with great force, but poor GroanyBooger and Bore are having to spend a lot of time picking away. Bore eventually gives up on her ice pick and grabs a frying pan to try and hack into the ice using the broader edge…

which works about as well as we knew it wouldn’t

Bore admits that she prolly looks like a psycho, but it’s GroanyBooger who’s the first one to make “eee eee eee eee!” noises. TexAsian (who has managed to free up his crab legs) admonishes Bore to be careful with the way she’s using the spike…

or she’s likely to lose a finger… or give herself a new vagina

Bore finally frees up what look like some great big scallops, and TexAsian has come back for what look like maybe peaches. GroanyBooger says she’d rather get an ingredience that she really wants than just start making a random dish out of random stuff. Which means she’s looking for a pack of frozen risotto. Frozotto? In any case, seeing the girls both struggling, he decides to help them break some of the ice so they can have some more stuff to cook with… in fact, he speaks directly to my heart as he says “I’m more than happy to help Beverly and Sarah because this challenge is about the food and not about how many ice blocks you can smash…” Why do I love him so much for saying this?…

because this is RANDOM BULLSHIT

GroanyBooger says without TexAsian’s help, she and Bore wouldn’t have much food to cook with, although it kind of appears that Bore’s been doing okay snagging some peas and some cream with her own stabby efforts. Bore says she imagined only needing 10 minutes to free up enough stuff to cook with, but it’s taken her a full half hour. Meanwhile, BoogerWoman has also snagged some more veggies, with which she plans to make her other S.O.S. (Standby Of the Season) Dish™… a soup. This is while TexAsian is making king crab legs with scallops and mango butter in red wine gastrique.

And Bore is still busily hacking away and finding new and exciting ingrediences to add to her dish. It’s too bad she didn’t find another box of Arbor Mist in the ice somewhere, because after all his helping others, TexAsian accidentally burned his gastrique and has no more red wine to make another batch… because he gave it to Bore. But instead of bitching, he switches directions and decides to make a mango chutney.

Oh no! GroanyBooger’s soup has begun to separate, and there are white clots of fat floating around in it now, much like her and I would be doing if we were together in a hot tub. She attempts to compensate by furiously using the wand-mixer-thingy on it up until the very last second…

before she Linda Blairs it into a bowl

You think I’m just being mean because I find GroanyBooger nasty and irritating?…

well, ok, you’re right, but this still looks pretty plunger-worthy

I also find it very interesting that she suddenly has king crabmeat to work with as well, I didn’t remember seeing more than one set of legs, soooo I guess she “borrowed” some from TexAsian? Anyhow, Scar wants to know what the hardest part of the challenge was. BoogerWoman hilariously replies “Finding the ingrediences…

…over at TexAsian’s workstation.”

She also whines about everything being frozen and blames her cream-breakage on that. Daddy Tom says the flavor was pretty good, although it’s dominated by spinach. Gail says the almonds seemed really heavy because the consistency of the soup is so thin. Then Daddy Tom confirms my suspicion that TexAsian helped her out by giving her the crabmeat…

with a side-order of RegretGlare™

They move on to TexAsian next, and he introduces his far tastier-looking fare…

welcome to Crabhenge

Gail says she is especially loving the mango and crabmeat together… but the mango was still a little teensy bit frozen. Jon Michael Montgomery says it’s really dangerous to get a boner when you’re sledding headfirst down an icy slope. With that, they move on to Bore’s dish…

and it’s scrappy bleeding stabbyness

Scar mentions that Bore was “hacking away pretty wildly” and Jon Michael Montgomery asks (completely unaided by production staff) if she was picturing any of her fellow contestants while she stabbed those ice blocks…

nope, I only envisioned a RANDOM BULLSHIT judge

No matter how many times they try to get her to say she wants to get pretend-violent with these bitches, Bore-verly always just laughs and says she’s not like that. In any case, Gail says she was impressed with the sear and caramelization on the scallop, but the sauce made it a little heavy and off-balance. Still, Scar says a lot of other chefs have fucked up couscous, but Bore’s is wonderful.

Sounds like she did the best job out of all three, right? WRONG. Because TexAsian wins Event Two, another $10,000.00 and is free to go back to the hotel…

and play with his brand new Winner’s Boner™

Bore and GroanyBooger are also dismissed to meet the judges at Event Three. Bore interviews that after all the bullying she’s taken this season, it’s only right and fair that she should be going up against GroanyBooger for the last spot in the Finals next episode. Her confidence quickly is replaced by fear when the two of them round a snow dune and see…

Scar holding everyone hostage

Bore wonders if the gun in Scar’s hands means they are going to have to hunt and kill their own game. Before any questions are answered, though, we still have something to get out of the way…

introducing our third RANDOM BULLSHIT Judge

Yes, Cammi The Schnozz is an actual American Gold Medalist (from 1998) and is the first woman to be inducted into the Hockey Hall Of Fame. Which still has fuckall to do with food, or, as we’re about to see, this challenge. Scar says this is their “last shot” (har har) to get a spot, and they’ll be competing in… a “Culinary Bi-Athlon” (or Culinathlo– oh, ugh, nevermind). They will have to cross-country ski along a course through the trees, before coming back to the shooting range, where they will have ten bullets and ten chances to shoot at targets to win ingrediences…

yes, by all means, please give these two bitter enemies guns

Once an ingredience has been shot, it is off-limits to the other chef. Then they will cook their ingrediences into a dish for the judges. Scar wants to know if either of them have ever shot a gun. Naturally GroanyBooger, being from Texas (where you can get a gun before you get your first pacifier) says her not-dead dad used to take her practicing with a shotgun and tin cans in the countryside. Bore, on the other hand, has never shot a gun. Nor has she ever skied. God, why the hell did she even bother to become a fucking chef if she wasn’t going to pick up those necessary skills??!?!…

RANDOM BULLSHIT

And let’s not forget how she neglected to brush up on her ice-sculpting and gondola-riding. And the food is going to be judged by a hockey player. This is, by far, the biggest crock of shit I have ever seen on this show. Let’s watch the fun as the ladies run to try and put on their cross-country ski boots. While they struggle with this, GroanyBooger whines that if Bore beats her and lands the third spot instead of her, it would “suck” and she would “never forgive herself”…

but strangling Bore clearly wouldn’t cost her any sleep at this point

I’m kinda surprised she hasn’t begged absolution for that awful Bieber-cut she’s now sporting. Just ‘cuz you’re in Canada doesn’t mean you have to ass-kiss, Groany. In any case, we get it, the world will end if BoogerWoman isn’t in the Finals next episode. And that just might be the case, because although Bore-verly has never set foot on cross-country skis, she weighs a lot less than her galumphy competitor, and quickly pulls out ahead of her on the trail…

behold the effects of loading up on Korean food vs. Italian food

Bore says she wants first crack at as many of the ingrediences as possible, and she quickly skis out of sight of GroanyBooger, which I think is far more dangerous for her, but thankfully a camera crew catches up to her in time to watch her start falling down and flailing about like a total noob. The girl may be fast…

but she ain’t graceful

BoogerWoman isn’t having an easy time of it, either, between sliding backwards down the hill to the heavy fall she takes rounding a bend. Bore reaches the halfway point first and turns around and heads back, eventually meeting up with GroanyBooger. Just before they pass each other, Bore takes another fall, and her ski barely brushes BoogerWoman…

there are people who have appeared in 70′s kung fu films that would call this bad acting

I guess there must be all kinds of gravity out there. Of course this is GroanyBooger’s cue to bitch “Seems like Beverly doesn’t mind taking out the competition…literally!” Oh, bitch, please! Bore calls back over he shoulder to ask if Groany’s okay… but she doesn’t stop skiing away, LOL. GroanyBooger just lays where she landed, like a…

groany booger

Bore makes it back to the shooting range first (after a couple more hard falls) and aims for the arctic char… which she nails on the first try! She takes this as a good sign. Meanwhile, Groany has reached the halfway point and is madly skiing lurching her way back. She says the rabbit has been calling to her, so when she makes it back to the shooting range, that’s what she plans to try for. She also points out that she may have a slight advantage here because she’s so used to shooting. She just might be right, because it has taken Bore five more shots to hit the target on the celery root she wanted.

So GroanyBooger gets prone, sights along the barrel of her rifle towards the rabbit target… and misses… and misses… and misses… and misses. Finally on the fifth shot she nails it. Now half her ammo is gone and she has one ingredience. Bore, on the other hand, keeps trucking along, taking two shots to land winter truffle, one shot to land fennel, and with her last shot she gets beets, which is something that GroanyBooger wanted. GroanyBooger winds up taking one shot to get cabbage, three shots to get hazelnuts, and when she finds out she has only one bullet left, she whines “I feel like [Bore] had way more shots than I did…” God, shut up shut up shut uuuuuuup! With her final shot she lands cherries (since beets are gone) and seems pretty pleased with herself…

until someone points out her head-to-head score against the novice riflewoman

Bore gets into the kitchen first and starts cooking right away. She’s decided to make a slow-roasted arctic char with an onion and beet compote. She says slow-roasting this fish is going to be a risk, but she doesn’t want to be conventional, and a sliver of ice just slipped into my heart, because she admits she’s making a dish she has never made before. She’s also noticed that this pantry is devoid of coconut milk or lemongrass, which concerns her because those are her usual go-to flavors to build upon.

Then GroanyBooger shows up and starts working on braising her rabbit leg and roasting the rabbit loin. Then suddenly, for no apparently reason, Bore is plugging in her blender at Groany’s station, right in the middle of all of Groany’s prep-work. Groany half-heartedly reminds her that there is an electrical outlet on Bore’s station… but then curiously allows Bore to just continue… and then complains to us that Bore is getting in her way and slowing her down…

RANDOM BULLSHIT

She’s starting in with that bitchy “Beverly, really?” crap again, and do any of you guys buy this? Seriously, it’s the almost-almost-finals, does anyone believe that GroanyBooger would not have knocked Bore-verly’s ass all the way back into Redemption Kitchen if she tried to get in her way in the slightest? Me neither. Oh well, time is up, and they are presenting their final plates to Scar, Daddy Tom, Gail and The Schnozz, beginning with Bore-verly’s true offering from Last Chance Kitchen…

look at all the pushy blender-work!

She is followed by GroanyBooger and her do-or-die dish…

which strongly resembles Beanee Weenee

Daddy Tom says he likes Bore’s dish, making the celery root into a sauce was a great idea, the colors are bright, the flavors all worked… but it was slightly overcooked. Gail says she liked the flavor combinations Bore chose, they were earthy and complemented the fish. The Schnozz says it was so good she wants to jump up and punch Bore in the mouth.

Then Daddy tells GroanyBooger that she took a lot of risks in her dish…. both with braising the rabbit leg and making a sauerkraut in such a short time, everything worked nicely. The Schnozz says it made her wish she still had all of her original teeth, and then asks why everyone thinks she’s a dyke just cuz she plays hockey? Gail steps in to say that she thought the rabbit was a little tough, she wishes it had been a little more tender. Daddy concludes by again repeating that they are not making this easy on the judges, and therefore they will have to consult with the Magical Elves to see what the most dramatic storyline outcome will be. Bore and Groany are sent back to the kitchen where they find TexAsian and Mousy arrive shortly thereafter…

hi, we’re here to rub our immunity in your faces!

Of course, Mousy wants Groany to make it through because they share their “special bond” as Nasty Mean Bitch Heather Disciple Girls, and TexAsian says he thinks Bore is surprisingly tough and just won’t go down. Let’s check out Fan Favorite…

yawn… but at least Bore is now 3 spots above Groany (and 5 above Mousy)!

In the end, after everything that we’ve seen, and all of the RANDOM BULLSHIT that this episode has put us through, we find out from Scar’s quietly sad voice that tonight’s ultimate loser…

is the viewers

Yup, all you Bore-haters can finally do your happy dance, she’s going home, and just before reaching real Redemption in the Kitchen. And now, we have more of this to look forward to next week…

Booger-Fever

Bore gives a halting thank-you to the Judges for the amazing experience, and then succumbs to a crushing hug from GroanyBooger…

omg, I love you so much now that you’re going home!

As Bore-verly makes her way out of the room, Scar looks like she’s about to cry over seeing Bore’s dreams go down in flames…

or The Schnozz just cut one (of Ken Vanderpump intensity™)

Bore says that she knows in the beginning she was perceived as one of the “weaker links” in the team challenges, and hopes that TexAsian, Mousy and GroanyBooger will look at her differently now that they have seen how hard she fought to stay in the competition…

sorry, girl, maybe I should have nicknamed you Brave-erly

And the final insult? GroanyBooger also wins $10,000.00. Bore tries to escape the kitchen, but Groany catches her and forces her into another bear hug, while lying through her teeth and claiming she’s super-glad they got the chance to cook together. And the cherry on the RANDOM BULLSHIT cake is BoogerWoman holding Bore’s face like she’s a schnauzer and telling her she’s “amazing…”

“…ly annoying and I never want to see you again.”

And there you have it… the conclusion of the Bore-verly storyline! What did you think of this episode? Jeez, was there anything that didn’t have the fingerprints of the Magical Elves all over it? Between the wonky editing, and the weirdly scripted behavior, this just felt like an episode of that stupid Lizard Lick Towing crap (which is totally “re-enacted” and completely not real, which explains why people are routinely threatened with guns and shot at, but no one ever calls the police or gets sent to jail for doing those things and being recorded on video). Did you feel like these “challenges” were ridiculous? How about these random Olympians and what the hell were they doing judging a cooking competition? And in the end, do you think Bore really made a worse dish than GroanyBooger, or do you feel like she was fairly trounced?

Thanks again for your patience and commentary, I know there was a lot of chatting about spoilers in the minicap this week. Flipit has never dictated to the recappers how to do a minicap, so some people post results, and others do not. I choose not to, because I really would like for people to share their commentary on the full recap. That being said, I do not like to discourage comments anywhere, so please, say what you like, where you like, when you like, this is still Amurrica…

And I was not able to get any new kitty pictures this week, so I thought I would post a picture of Chunky and Chica when they were just baby kitties…

this was from their first ten minutes in the house…
and five minutes before they attacked a pile of my underwear

love, J-Mo
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!